I always hate for my most recent post to be one of those oh-woe-is-me despite the fact that I'm more fortunate than the vast majority of people out there pity parties, even though the better part of my life as been precisely one of those posts. So here's something funny to lighten the mood back up.

As I've mentioned before, I became a fan of the web comic Overcompensating. My enthusiasm for the strip has waned, though, just because I'm getting really sick of his preachy ass liberal bullshit. I'm like, dude, I get it -- and I agree with you on a lot of this stuff. But can you knock it off and just be funny? Or at least go back to doing Wigu on a regular basis?

He did have one really funny comic a couple weeks back though that involved no left-wing preachiness, and it was funny because it's absolutely true.

eMisery

So after all these years of blogging it should be pretty obvious that I'm, like, one of the loneliest motherfuckers out there (my new girlfriend not withstanding). If I'm a straight guy blogging about the guys I'd have sex with if I had to, I've gotta be pretty lonely. I know you're probably thinking "closet case..." but that's just not it. Despite the shopping habit, despite always wanting to dress nice, despite enjoying decorating, despite the Pinky Street obsession, despite taking an hour every fucking morning just to get showered and dressed, I'm still attracted to women and not guys.

And I'm sure most are like, well yeah duh you're lonely, have you paid any attention to what you're like? But c'mon, I'm not that bad. A handful of really good people have enjoyed having me around. And a bunch of total dooshebags haven't, but hey, that's life.

Or maybe I am that bad. I look back over the years, and only once has a friend even made a half-assed kinda-sorta attempt to set me up with someone. You would think that for a guy who is pretty smart, has a master's degree in something useful, has a good job, has a mortgage instead of a lease, is nearing his second new BMW in three years, and is actually a pretty caring and entertaining and decent guy despite all the sarcasm and bitching and other issues, that someone, at some point, would have thought I'd be a good guy for someone else and I'd have gotten some help. But apparently I have so much bad that it way more than cancels out all the good. So in the end that really tells me all that I need to know about myself.

Of course it's not everyone else's job to fix my solitude issues. It'd be nice, but the responsibility is still mine. Of course, being painfully fucking shy doesn't help much, either. I did start taking an anti-anxiety medication recently, so we'll see if that helps calm me in social situations. So far all it's managed to do is make me even more sleepy during the day than I normally am.

If things continue like this, though, I think I'm gonna end up a Type B Bisexual male. The way I see it, there are two types of bi guys: A) guys who are truly attracted to both men and women, and B) guys who are willing to settle. You know, some guys go out looking for pussy, they'll settle for dick. Unless if I'd rather stay alone, eventually I'm going to have to settle for something, whether it be dick or something else sub-optimal. Guess that would serve me right for all these years of being a spoiled prick. I've gotten damn near everything else I've wanted but no one can have it all.

But who knows, maybe it's not completely bleak. This past weekend ETP was trying to encourage me to sign up for an online dating site. Which kinda makes sense. I'm obviously not going to be able to find someone in the ways most people have for hundreds of years. Plus I'm good at spending money after all (which leads me to strongly consider a mail-order bride).

So the first two sites that came to mind were eHarmony and match.com. I go to eHarmony, and look at their "I'm an X looking for an X" dropdown boxes. The only options are a guy looking for a girl or vice versa. No love for the queers. Despite not being at the Type B stage (yet), I was still kinda put off by the implicit homophobia they showed.

So I go over to Match, and at the bottom of their front page is some kind of ad for Dr. Phil. So back to eHarmony.

And hey, why not? They do match you on 29 dimensions of something or other. And if there are three things I trust in this world, it's a soft-spoken but mildly creepy old man claiming that he can help me find the love of my life, psychology, and programmers writing code to match me up with said love of my life.

As far as the latent homophobia? Well, maybe with their supposed system they just don't feel like they have the expertise to be making matches for homosexual couples. Already an apologist, yeah, but at least I'm not aligning myself with Dr. Phil.

It's only been a few days so far, but not much luck at this point. Got a couple decent matches, like a girl who is around my age and is 4'8", but she wasn't interested. Today one of my new matches that showed up was a very cute Japanese girl who unfortunately lives in Canada. Still waiting to hear back from her but not exactly holding out a ton of hope there.

So yeah, that was probably ninety bucks wasted. If anything comes of this endeavor you will all be the first to know, because fire and brimstone will start raining from the sky and Jesus will make his long-awaited return appearance.

I really hate boxing. Yeah, that's right, I don't "get" the sweet science. That's because the sweet science is fucking boring. I saw live boxing once in my life, and that was during a horrible night in Vegas. I didn't think it was possible to have a horrible night in Vegas (at least, not with how I roll), but it is and boxing played a part in that.

About the only thing boxing has going for it is Oscar de la Hoya. How does a guy get to be that good-looking, especially when his job is to get punched in the head? He is definitely on my list of men I'd have sex with if for some reason I was forced to have sex with a man and had the choice of which man to have sex with. He's on the list with Clive Owen and Orlando Bloom. I guess I'll put Matt Damon on there too since I apparently go for that boyish look (Clive being the exception). Contrast this to ETP who goes for that more rugged look.

Anyway... Jay Mohr, however, did manage to make boxing amusing for a few minutes this week with his latest column.

Everyone knows that I hate explaining the joke (because when you do it's, just... life's not worth living), but if you're wondering about the origin of my new posting name, here you go.

Not to stupid teenage parents: if you don't want your kid, you either A) head that off at the pass with an abortion (while you can still have one) or B) go the adoption route. Dumpsters and Sterilite containers constitute an epic fail on your part, so don't fucking do it.

Sure, teenage pregnancy is hot until you have one on your hands, but there's no excuse for anything ending up this way.

Also, composite sketch artists should probably start looking for a new line of work. I realize the artist in this case was probably working off of a badly decomposed body, but that might be one reason to punt on the whole endeavor. I mean, c'mon, the real pictures show a cute little girl, and the sketches show Dakota Fanning. And we already know how I feel about her.