Fantastic. Hey, I know allies spy on allies all the time, but it's still neat that we support Israel unconditionally. It's further neat that this kind of story always breaks on a Friday night (which is when I first read about it).

This is quite possibly the stupidest fucking headline ever. The only thing more irritating is the fact that this is essentially the Republicans' platform.

"Values" is one of those words that gets thrown around by both sides, but the right pushes it way harder. The thing is, whenever someone uses the word "values," the word is completely fucking hollow; it's just being used because people like hearing it. It's like Bill Maher says "People hear 'values.' "Values. He said values. We like values."" They don't really mean it, they just say it because (again to borrow a line from Maher), saying "values" makes the lab rat hit the pedal for his treat.

We all remember how Team Bush ran on the platform of "restoring dignity to the Oval Office" in 2000. Again, why doesn't anyone ever call them on this shit? We've had an administration that has been justly hit with allegations of colluding with the energy industry to set energy and environmental policy, that has lied -- ERRRR -- used bad intelligence used to support a pre-determined decision to start an unnecessary war, and (to keep this short, because I could go on for days... as I already have) just used fascist tactics in general to fuck this country up the ass.

Sounds like a shitload of dignity to me.

But wait -- Bush didn't get his dick sucked in the Oval Office (not that anyone would want to volunteer for that), so he's got values and dignity. I forgot: blow job bad person, starting wars good person. Look, I know that every administration has its share of scandal and dirty dealing, I just get a little more pissed over the shit that unnecessarily gets lots and lots of people killed while completely undermining the values that we claim to stand for.

So, why do these Republican cocksuckers get away with it? First and foremost, they've got support. Well, support or lack of anything working to oppose them. We have a Republican congress propping up a Republican administration, a weak Left, and a docile press. That's pretty much a license for "do whatever the fuck you want."

But in terms of beliefs and actions, what makes the Republicans a party of values? Oh, that's right -- because they're big into Jesus. That's one of their cornerstones -- they're not only religious, but they're Christian. And in this country, that automatically makes you better. I've never understood why belief in god and/or Jesus instantly makes you a better person, but I would have trouble with that since I like logic and stuff. Yeah, you're a good person because Jesus is in your heart. Nevermind that Jesus has been employed to ostracize, oppress, and kill. Why, that sounds positively value-rific!

Another big thing enabling them to pull this off is the fact that Republicans voice their empty values rhetoric with conviction and confidence. It's like that Chris Rock routine. You can't be all like "Ehhhh, excuse me. Ehhhh, I was wondering ehhhh if you could ehhh... Uh, play with my balls?" You're not going to get any action that way, but if you say it with confidence "she will do that shit." That's really what the Republican party is in this country -- the ugly, asshole guy scoring with the hot chick because he's confident. The hot chick in this case being the American people, and also being kinda fucking stupid.

Tied to this discussion of values is the notion of "compassionate conservatism" (is it conservatism or conservativism or both?). This, again, means nothing. Well, not entirely. It is basically an admission that conservatives are assholes and have to make SPECIAL EFFORT to be compassionate. Of course, that doesn't mean that they're actually making that effort, they're just saying that they are and hoping that people will buy it. Which they do because they're dumb. In the end, I'm more compassionate than many conservatives, and that's just sad.

On a side note, one might wonder why I personally am not a conservative since I am a well-known asshole. While I am a fucking prick, I do realize that my assholishness probably doesn't translate to good policy. Upon thinking about it, conservativism is basically Me in action: do everything possible to get as much money and stuff for myself, and screw everyone else except my family and friends. Christ, if that isn't a completely damning analogy of conservativism, I don't know what is.

I don't know if I approve of this new Blogger bar or not, what with it's "next blog" button that sends you off to some random shithole (like, say, mine). That's right: I don't know if I approve, and as we all know, my opinion matters and people care and shit. Hell, I know Blogger cares, like when I wrote to tell them how much the new Blogger interface sucks when it debuted several months back and they sent me a response that so totally wasn't a form letter or anything.

On one hand, I keep getting "next blog" hits from other 'blogs that show up in my referral log, and they're making it a pain in the ass to know if it's someone who actually linked me or if it's just a random hit. Sure, I could just wait six seconds and then try and dig it out of the mess on Technorati if indeed it's a true link, but I have no patience for shit like that, especially when my pathetic ego needs to know right now if some stranger has linked me.

On the other hand, I did get a random hit from this site. I'm sure that if whoever got here via that 'blog was also a born Republican, they were real thrilled with what they found here. Sure, I do a decent amount of ripping on Kerry and the Left in general, but I'm still a self-proclaimed pussy liberal who hates Bush way more than Kerry.

Also, just in case anyone else gets here through some right-winger's site, fuck Jesus Christ. More appropriately, fuck his followers. Who wants lobster?!

So a recent issue of Megami had a poster of characters from something entitled Onegai Friends. The poster clearly made mention of a drama CD, but I was hoping that meant a new series was in the works. Alas, it looks like it will be a drama CD and nothing more. They'd better come out with a new series at some point, though; otherwise, where the hell else am I going to get my fix of dirty?

New GYWO.

9/11 toys. I don't know about this one. Okay, "9011" seems suspicious, but those don't look anything like the trade towers. If someone was trying to set out and make 9/11 toys, they didn't try very hard. Just wait until my toy company, Depraved Indifference Toys, kicks into high gear. We're going to have September 11th toys -- complete with action figures and a WTC playset that actually looks like it's supposed to.

Yeah, but once Bush gets re-instated this November, it'll be back to the mantra of "needs more study."

Unless if there's a scene with one of the Muppets flailing around and spewing blood due to a severed limb for twenty minutes, this will not be as cool as it initially sounds.

Spam:

Instantaneously Magnetize Women

That's be fucking sweet. 'Cause then I could use 'em to pick up nails and iron filings and shit.

You would too if you were being fucked by all those ranchers in Montana and Scotland.

"Do you know why it is when a rancher fucks the sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back. Little somethin' for 'ya."
- Carlin

I had nothing to do with this, but it looks like CafePress has certain back-to-school-related items on sale. Currently discounted in the Fe Store are the messenger bag, lunchbox, and mousepad.

So it goes. You watch -- John Kerry has been harmed the most by 527 ads, and Bush is going to turn stopping 527s into his crusade. Well played, Sperm Brother.

It's continually sad to see John McCain used as nothing more than a fucking pawn by both the left and the right. The left uses him because they have no real strong leaders on their side, and McCain (oftentimes) plays along since he's moderate by nature and a friend of Kerry's. The right uses him since they're so fucking far right, shadowy, and dirty that they need a moderate, recognizable, and respected voice. McCain plays along with them because they've either somehow blackmailed him or he's just not as cool as we all thought. Either way, can't I just have a fucking hero for once without someone ruining it?

And while John Kerry is far from any kind of hero to me, this Swift Boat bullshit just makes me angrier every goddamn time it comes up, which is about every six seconds now. I realize I'm not helping matters by making a bunch of posts on it, but what the fuck.

The whole thing is ridiculous. I mean, really. The notion that John Kerry lied to get three Purple Hearts, a Silver Star and a Bronze Star is simply inane. Anyone who buys this on its face is fucking retarded. Am I saying that it's impossible for Kerry to have lied? Of course not -- none of us were there, and we don't know what the fuck happened. But it's not like John Kerry was in charge of the Navy back then and subsequently gave himself those awards; they were awarded to him. Higher-ups had to be responsible for making the decisions to give him those awards. I could see maybe bullshitting yourself to one or two decorations, but five? That'd be pretty fucking impressive work to pull that off.

And you know what? Even if -- IF -- John Kerry did lie his way to all those medals, it's, like I said, impressive, even if it's in a sick way. Maybe someone who can pull that kind of shit off has the credentials to be president. After all, we like liars and smooth operators when choosing a president. Dubya is a liar and he damn near got elected, and Clinton was a liar and a smooth operator and he got elected twice. In the end, even if the Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth" really are out to tell the truth (as opposed to being bitter, old assholes), I can find a way to work it in Kerry's favor. How's that for positive thinking?

Speaking of credentials, I'm still sick and tired of the notion that Kerry is, to borrow a theme of the Swift Boat group, unfit for command. Name five ways that dubya was fit for command when he took office. Shit, name five ways that Dubya is fit for command right now. See? No one can do it. Of course, with Bush, HE'S NOT EVEN IN CHARGE; everyone "under" him is. Yes, I know, like everything else here we've been over this about a billion times. But George W. Bush is fucking retarded, and I will never stop harping on that.

The Swift Boat shitstorm, of course, isn't going away. This "resignation" of Benjamin Ginsburg is kinda peculiar. Seems like Team Bush must be nervous about things if they're giving him the ax. After all, it's fairly well known that people on the Democratic side have worked with left-leaning 527s, but there doesn't seem to be a huge controversy there.

The right of course cries "media bias!" when it comes to this, which is, naturally, what they always do when something doesn't go exactly their way. The D party ties to 527s haven't been as scrutinized because none of the liberal 527s have had the impact that the Swift Boat group has. Considering how much extended coverage the Swift Boat group is getting (the ads themselves are only airing in a handful of battleground markets), I'd argue that this may very well point to a subtle right-wing bias. An argument which is also total bullshit.

The Democrats are, naturally, handling the issue in just about the worst way possible. We'll ignore for a second that they took over a week to even fucking respond. But sending Max Cleland to the fucking ranch, calling on Asscroft to open up an investigation, and asking Bush to condemn the group aren't doing a fucking thing. I'm not surprised that this has happened, but John Kerry should have never let this controversy go as far as it has. At one early point he should have just said "I was in Vietnam, George Bush wasn't" and then given everyone the finger. Well, maybe not that last part.

Still, there's no argument that Kerry volunteered for Vietnam and served there, while Bush hid at home in the National Guard. Kerry should have just left it at that, but after focusing so heavily on his time in 'Nam it's no surprise that this smear campaign came to the surface. I'm not saying that Kerry was asking for it, but Kerry was asking for it. This by no means justifies the Swift Boat campaign, but we know what a bunch of scumbags Team Bush has on its side. Kerry needed his Vietnam service to differentiate himself from Bush, but he shouldn't have made such a big deal of it, allowing it to get to the point that it opened the door for things like the Swift Boat group.

Speaking of the Swift Boat group, one thing seems fairly clear to me: these are just a bunch of Vietnam vets who are still bitter about Kerry speaking out against the war after he got back from it. That's pretty much the extent of why they're doing this. Of course, I don't know these guys personally, so I can't say for sure. But that's my impression.

John O'Neill -- head of the group and author of the anti-Kerry Unfit for Command -- was on Hannity and Colmes last night, and at the end of his segment Hannity asked him what question he would ask Kerry if he could, and O'Neill's response was something to the effect of "I'd ask him if he thought it was time to apologize to all those vets he offended by speaking out against the war." Obviously not a direct quote, but that was the gist of it. If that's the one thing he'd like to ask John Kerry, then that shows what's foremost on his mind -- namely, Kerry's anti-war stance. Look, I know 'Nam was an awful experience, but fuck you assholes all the same. 'Nam was a shit war, a lot of people did some shitty things, and John Kerry had every right (and many would argue a duty) to speak out against all of it. Just because you're bent over his actions doesn't even begin to justify what you're doing.

On the Bush side, Dubya has called for an end to all 527s. Of course he has -- the 527s are predominately favoring Kerry (or so we've been told), and the only 527 group Bush needed has already done its damage. So let's shut 527s down! We don't need 'em! Fuck you, dooshebag.

Kerry couldn't just ignore the Swift Boat attack, but by responding he just brings more and more attention to them. In the end, I just can't help but feeling like any actions the Kerry side takes just fucks them more, whether they make a solid move or not. Team Bush has taken a plank from Kerry's platform and used it to define the debate on their terms. Team Bush has Kerry in a bind over Vietnam -- the one issue that Kerry was supposed to be unimpeachable on. This is true evil genius at work. Whoa, am I saying that Team Bush is the Nazis? No, I'm not. But they are definitely Nazi-like.

Google search:

"owls are assholes"

Fuckin' A.

I have the urge to watch some Thunderball

While we're on the subject of horrible human beings (Bush, Hitler, me...), let's talk Christians. Can't you fuckers leave the rest of the world alone for six seconds? You can't handle the fact that four people out there might not be Xtians, so you have to go harass them at Hooters?

Yes, harass. If that was just about them meeting some place and having a discussion, that'd be fine. But no, they want to go someplace where they think people are in need of divine intervention -- they're looking for people to convert. This selfish, insecure need to get people to convert and, furthermore, the act of trying to satisfy that need is one of the things that pisses me off the most about religion in general, and Christianity in particular.

I view the act of winning converts as selfish and reeking of insecurity because it all seems to be about scoring brownie points with God and trying to externally validate your own beliefs. You say you're trying to help someone else by bringing Jesus into their life, but so often it's about trying to enrich your own (after) life. Not only does it (supposedly) make you look better to God, but it also makes you look better to yourself. After all, you just got someone to agree with you. As humans, we love nothing more than having people agree with us.

The act of trying to convert people is furthermore arrogant because there's the implicit assumption that Jesus is better, and everyone surely must agree with that. Maybe some of those people don't want your stupid superstitions. They may have stupid superstitions of their own or none at all. Those people might be perfectly fine without the Bible, so why can't you just leave it alone? Oh, yeah, that's right -- because that means there's someone out there who doesn't agree with you and that hurts your tiny brain.

I suppose it could be kinda fun to come across this group and fuck with them, except that it wouldn't. They're not gonna see my side, and I'm not gonna see their side, so it's all just one big waste of time. Besides, if I'm at Hooters, I'm there to eat unhealthy food, drink heavily, and look at some hot waitresses.

Yeah, except for the fact that the waitresses are never very hot. Or if there are any hotties working there, none of them are waiting my table. It never fucking fails. Like the Hooters in Fort Collins, which I was frequenting a few summers ago. Man, there was this one... She was a hot brunette, petite, and she wore glasses. God, do I love girls in glasses. But, naturally, my table had the plague or something, so she came nowhere near it.

Now, I would think that this phenomenon is just an extension of women normally avoiding me, but you'd think the hot ones would smell the desperation coming off me and gravitate towards it, knowing a potential good tip might be in the works. Maybe they just don't think I have the money to back that up since I look like I'm 12, maybe they're just not smart enough to try and work that scam, or maybe they have some standards even if money might be on the table.

In the end, I go to Hooters for wings. Fuck what Chris Rock says; that's why I go. And, since those things are so horribly bad for you, that's why I had to stop going to Hooters. In fact, my cholesterol has jumped twenty points just posting about the fucking things.

Finally, let's get back to this religion shit:

"It's something Jesus would've done because he looked past what people may think and looked at what people's needs are."

I agree that it's quite possibly something that Jesus would have done, but he would have done it not because he was looking out for people's needs, but because he was looking out for his needs. As we all know, Jesus is fucking metal.

Worthless Shockshit

If this post doesn't get credit as such, I don't know what will.

I've gotta come to Bush's defense on this one. Let me repeat that, just since it doesn't sound right: I'm gonna back Bush on this issue.

Now, you can make the case that Bush is responsible for lots of deaths, but he's not specifically setting out to kill a lot of those people (probably). Lots of those deaths just result from Bush's greed or arrogance or ignorance or indifference or whatever. But I'm pretty sure that he didn't decide at one point that he's just going to wipe out one group of people.

And, let's face it, Bush just doesn't have his shit together like Hitler did. Hey, you don't have to like what Hitler did, but you can't deny that the guy got shit done. Anyone who can take power like that and then plunge the entire world into total war while murdering millions is clearly accomplishing something. He must have had a day planner or something. Like I said, what he accomplished wasn't good, but the guy had goals and he was smart enough to work towards them. He was true evil genius. As opposed to Bush, who's nothing more than a figurehead who's bumbling his way through his reign in office.

Well, okay, Hitler wasn't that smart. Look, I'm all for killing a bunch of people, but you're specializing way too much if you're picking one religious or ethnic group for extermination. Now if, say, you were going out to eliminate all the stupid people, that's something I could get on board with. Hitler: right idea, wrong people.

Let's dig this hole a little deeper, shall we? I came up with my first idea for stupid people genocide a long time ago. Well, okay, "stupid people genocide" sounds a little harsh. I prefer to think of it as "intellectual cleansing." Anyway, my first idea for getting rid of stupid people came many years ago, and it's really quite simple: build a huge cage, load it up with stupid people, and drop the cage into the ocean. And you know, I came up with this idea back when I was still marginally happy and not totally disillusioned, so you can imagine where I'm at now.

Alright, I'm not a huge fan of Abercrombie & BITCH or anything, but I have to hand it to them once again on this. And fuck West Virginia -- that shit's not a stereotype; it's true. We all know everyone down there is fucking their relatives. Hey, West Virginia, you gotta do what you gotta do.

"It is unfortunate that Abercrombie & Fitch continues to perpetuate stereotypes rather than positive things like the number of residents serving in the military or the state's PROMISE scholarship program."

Yeah, 'cause those would make for some real interesting T-Shirts. As opposed to, say, what's available here.

Ahh, there we go -- it's not officially a summer Olympics until Svetlana Khorkina is bitching or crying about something. I was kinda disappointed that she wasn't all boo-hooey after getting yet another not-gold medal in the individual all-around last week, but this makes up for it. As long as I know she's pissed, that makes me happy.

Eff her, that arrogant bitch. She said she was here at this, her final Olympics, to "get what was hers." Yeah, well, you got it, khor. You're like the Michelle Kwan of gymnastics, except that Michelle is both really good while at the same time being humble and down-to-earth about it. That, plus, I'd be down with having sex with Michelle Kwan, as opposed to Khorkina who'd just scare my dick to the point where it felt the need to hide in my spleen.

Despite my love for Sasha Cohen, I'd have been fine with Michelle finally getting hers, but I'd have been flaming pissed if Khorkina had gotten a gold. But she's never going to, which just fucking rules. In an interview before the all-around, Khorkina said she wanted a gold as much as she wanted to mother her own child. Well, one of out two isn't bad. Unless, of course, if she turns out sterile. Man, wouldn't that be somethin'.

I'd be willing to bet a decent amount of money that Lucas ends up making sequels to the original trilogy. The final decision on that will be made when Lucas wakes up one morning and thinks to himself "You know what, I don't think I have enough money. Either way, I want some more."

If it ends up happening, I feel for 'ya, Star Wars fans. As we've been over before, I don't give a shit about the franchise itself since I'm personally not a fan, but I do know what it's like to have something you enjoy anally raped as one big cash grab. Of course, I feel for myself as well (and not in the masturbatory sense, for once) seeing as how I'd get roped into going and watching those movies "just to get it out of the way."

Maureen Dowd's columns were on hiatus for a few weeks as she was out and about promoting her new book. She's back now, with a column having shown up late last week. Another yesterday, which I found particularly good.

Pat Roberts, head of the Senate intelligence committee, has proposed massive reforms of our intelligence gathering operations. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. On one hand, it's interesting to see someone proposing grand reforms, as opposed to piddly-ass token measures. It's also nice to see ideas out there that are looking to make changes instead of maintaining things just for the sake of "that's how it's always been." On the other hand, this could very well make a mess of our intelligence system for quite some time. Furthermore, would the reforms actually do anything useful, or would we just be shuffling shit around and changing names? No sense doing anything big just for the sake of doing something big.

One person who's not happy with the proposed changes is George Tenet, but I'm not so sure that he's really coming from a position of much credibility.

One question I've got at this point is whether or not the intelligence community re-org includes any changes of congressional oversight of intelligence. If not, then this just looks to me like someone from congress coming up with ways to keep congress from having to make any changes to their operations. Sure, there need to be changes all around, but so far all I've seen is congress trying to avoid that particular finding of the 9/11 commission.

I'll be very curious to see what Sean Hannity thinks about this. In the beginning of his book Let Freedom Ring, he goes off about how the left supposedly hates the CIA, having had it in for the agency for decades. Well, we now have Pat Roberts -- who, I'm pretty sure, is somewhere right of left of center -- proposing the dismantling of the CIA. Does the right hate the CIA now, too, Sean?

Okay, I'm pretty sure that I haven't gotten this desperate. No, I know I haven't gotten that desperate. Yeah, I'm pretty starved for attention and affection, but I'm not fucking stupid. Well, not that fucking stupid, at least. The whole point of something like that is just so you can play make-believe. But if you're actually paying every time you give your digital girlfriend gifts, that's no longer make-believe. The worst part is that you're paying real money but not getting anything real in return for it. In the words of Lennie Briscoe, you're getting all of the grief and none of the gravy.

In a way, it's also kind of like this stupid online gaming shit that I've avoided thus far. Yeah, you want me to pay some kind of monthly fee for a game that I already paid for? Fuck you. Of course, they're still going to sucker me into XBox Live once DOA 2: Prettier hits the scene so that I can play with ETP and BOETP without any of us having to go anywhere. If rumors are true, we may also be mixing in some DDR action, and I'm not talking about double data rate memory here.

Speaking of DOA, ETP and I had some fun playing tag battle mode last night. Probably a little too much fun, and all because we discovered this great maneuver. As soon as one person beats the last guy in a pairing, the next guy does a switch, coming in as the fight ends or right afterwards. That next guy shows up and takes all the credit for the fight he didn't finish, thus making him a total bastard. As such, it is the fucking coolest thing you can do in that game.

Also discovered with tag battle mode is that it's a total dick. Once you and your partner manage to beat the final pairing, that's it. You're done. Not even the limp-dicked "Congratulations" of Rampage, you're just sent back to the title screen.

Those last two paragraphs, of course, were probably not funny to you, since you weren't there.

Oh yay, walking. Why the fuck is that an Olympic sport?

"There's even a magazine called Walking. WALKING!!!!!! 'Hey look Dave, there's a great article in the latest issue of Walking: 'Putting one foot in front of the other.''"
- Carlin

Let's go get us some whales to take back to the future.

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1