Here's another article I found linked at Naked Furniture. See, this is why I have trouble reading that 'blog. It's a great site full of great links, but Mary just posts too fucking much.

Found via that article was Page3.com. If you're a guy, you know who/what Page 3 girls are, so no explanation is necessary.

Ah, romance

Found this linked over at Naked Furniture.

Yes, I already knew that, and no, I'm not going to stop

I always complain about how people - myself especially - are just too fucking lazy. Then there are people who are too fucking motivated.

The most shocking thing from that article isn't the arranged murder of one's self, it's the suggestion that guys go into Internet chatrooms and pretend they're girls. I'm never going into one of those fucking things ever again.

Yet another full update of GYWO has surfaced.

This is not exactly helping me feel safe, guys. Although I will let you know up front that I don't expect to feel safe. Two reasons. First off, TB isn't doing all that much to actually make us any safer. Hiring your good friend Tom Ridge to head up a new bureaucracy and occasionally come out to scare the shit out of us isn't making us any safer whether he goes on Letterman or not. Secondly, as we all know, there's no way to be 100% safe from terrorists, not even if John "I will destroy the terrorists" Stupid Fuckhead Kerry is in charge.

Hey, cocksuckers. I don't want "unity" coming from different government departments, I want someone who knows what the fuck they're doing (which, again, I'm not expecting). It doesn't comfort me to see Asscroft and Ridge in agreement, it comforts me to know that they're doing the jobs we're all told they're supposed to be doing. Which, of course, is why I take no comfort from these stupid assholes. If one of you disagrees with the other, fucking say so. That would imply to me that you're actually working and thinking, which of course you aren't. Agreeing just for the sake of agreement is not working to protect us, it's just working to keep up some bullshit charade.

In the end, either Justice jumped the script and wasn't supposed to release this fear nugget just yet, or Homeland Security fell behind. One of those, or they just don't know what the fuck they're doing. Kind of a judgment call on this one.

Oh, and it's great to see our government agencies communicating with one another so well. Isn't that communication thing supposed to be a new cornerstone in intelligence gathering and threat assessment? Fear not, America, because your government is working hard to protect you. And how do you know that they are? Because they fucking told you that they are, you cretin, and you shouldn't question that.

Like always, the sailor schoolgirl site has been neglected, so I busted out an update over there. Only one girl (for now, maybe more over the weekend, maybe not) but still a sizable update, so quit your bitching.

You know, I was feeling pretty good about myself after a solid week of work, but I am once again reminded that I am a total failure seeing as how I have not constructed the world's tallest pylon.

It might be cool if this actually came to fruition, because it definitely has some potential. If that ended up being the case, I would also have to give William Fucking Shatner some credit. That headline, "Shatner may play washed-up TV hero," makes me wonder if it's actually a documentary. Hey, gotta go with what you know.

Awful story of the week.

Yay for accountability. Have I mentioned recently that I hate the Catholic Church? Because I do.

It is likely to reinforce the opinion of many that the pontiff does not grasp the seriousness of the issue.

I don't think he can grasp the seriousness of the issue. I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed, but the Pope is really old and kind of fucked up. Either way, I'm all for him dying anytime now.

"The Pope is merely doing what any father would do for a child."

That's really not the best choice of words given the situation.

Another D-Day article. For anyone interested, The Guardian has lots more here.

Somewhat longer than the articles I usually link, but still a very worthwhile read.

I know that doctors love to use the excuse - and I suppose they're right - that "medicine is not an exact science" (although I think we should do some work so that it finally is). Still, I never fully get how things like this happen.

"It's called divine intervention, I think."

I wouldn't celebrate just yet considering the fact that this kid is probably going to be screwed up if he ultimately survives. Whether that's better than death I suppose is a judgment call. Personally, I'd probably be giving god the finger for intervening. I'd rather be dead than be any more brain damaged than I already am.

AND YOU HELPED GIVE HIM THE TICKET TO DO THAT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

John, look. A lot of what you're saying is sound. The problem is, like with so many things you say, it comes from a standpoint of zero credibility. You do realize there's a reason why people accuse you of waffling, don't you? It's not just just the right-wing smear machine saying that, you know.

"I will destroy the terrorists."

It would also be nice if you refrained from saying stupid shit like that. It's nothing but bullshit macho posturing. Yeah, I know, the stupid American people couldn't handle someone saying anything different. Goddammit I hate us.

Well, this comes as no surprise. Someone was bound to try it, and surprise is further quelled when we see that it came from the bastion of enlightenment that is Utah. This guy is one of two things: an asshole for trying this, or a stupid fuck who actually believes what he's saying. Or both. Either way, people should be exectuted for doing shit like this. The judge in the case should laugh at the plaintiff, further ridicule them and their family, and then put a bullet in their forehead.

You know what I can't wait for? The day when it comes out that carbohydrates are the cure for cancer. Or, better yet, that cutting your carb intake below a certain level for a certain amount of time causes cancer. I'm going to laugh. A lot.

Fuck the Atkins diet, fuck this guy suing the Atkins estate, and fuck everybody. Atkins is just so perfect for this country, a country that really does want to live by the motto of "tastes great, less filling." Yeah, you can gorge yourself on all the greasy, fatty meat you want. Where is the surprise when your cholesterol skyrockets and you're having heart problems? Just like those fat asses suing McDonald's, it's your fucking fault if you take Atkins to extremes.

Now, I don't know shit about shit. We all know this. So maybe Atkins can actually be effective. In theory, it does sound like a decent idea. I just get so sick of bullshit fads, especially ones that just enforce our laziness. Fad or not, I would imagine that if it is possible for Atkins to be effective, you have to do it in moderation, just like anything else. This, of course, conflicts with another basic element of our society - our love of excess. There's no way to win.

Speaking of which... Now, this is a couple of weeks old, but it's been sitting in my fucking drafts folder so it's time to clear it out. Good timing considering the last post.

This is just so fucking sad. Oh no, digital tits and cock. How will society ever survive computerized naked people.

Posting this now is further good timing in light of today's Penny Arcade.

But what might surprise you is "Playboy" is the tamest of the nudity-enhanced games.

That... Doesn't surprise me in the least. Have you paid attention to just how fucking soft Playboy is? It's, well, about as soft as my cock is when I'm browsing an issue. I may as well be reading the fucking articles. Yes, thank you Playboy. I need to see more pictures of a bad dye-job platinum blonde with mammoth fake breasts just standing there. Pictures that, might I add, are all shots above the waist. Can we get some legs and feet in there for a fucking change? No? Thanks anyway. You can stop my phantom subscription any time.

I'm pretty sure I've complained about uptight cunts and their reaction to the Abercrombie catalog at least once before, but like always, I'm going to repeat myself. It's so goddamn embarrassing that there are people (read: Christian conservatives, Joe Lieberman, other assorted ninnies) - and lots of them - who get all pissed off when anything remotely sexual comes up. A company is using sex - gasp! - to sell to - oh no! - teenagers. To illustrate that point, Phil Burass:

"A clothing retailer is supposed to sell clothes. We think it is irresponsible to use sex to sell to teenagers."

You've got to be kidding me. You know, because without Abercrombie, teens wouldn't have any idea about sex. It'd be the furthest thing from their minds. Speaking of teens, there's the complaint about "teenage-looking" models. What the fuck? You can legally get naked for money at 18 and 19, and last I checked, those are teen ages. Besides, if it were up to me... Well, nevermind.

The really sad thing is that the Abercrombie quarterly wasn't even all that racy. Yeah, racy by some people's standards, but if you want to see "racy" I can show you some shit (and not just someone's hentai that's been hidden by his wife). ETP put it best when we got a look at one of those stupid quarterlies: "Um, yeah. This says triple-X on the cover, but I don't see any hardcore penetration shots."

I don't understand what's wrong with these people, other than they're stupid. I was thinking for a minute that maybe they're just a bunch of people who couldn't get any when they were younger and this is just some kind of backlash. But no, that can't be it. There are plenty of people (like me) who have, shall we say, difficulty, getting action, and those people aren't getting all bent out of shape over all this "provocative" material. Maybe it's just a response to the psychological damage of being molested by priests all those years. No, it's just religious ignorance. Ignorance that comes down from the pulpit and is then passed from generation to generation. You know, didn't God say to be fruitful and multiply? Why can't these assholes be consistent for once? I know, I know - that's asking a lot.

It's just so stupid. I mean, c'mon. Sex. Nearly everyone's favorite activity. Yet we're always doing so much to keep ourselves from it and make ourselves feel bad about it. Fuck that bullshit.

Now, I'm not advocating turning things into one huge fuck frenzy. That sounds nice in theory, but I'm really not a big fan of too many stupid people out there having kids. We already have way too much of that going on. So you know what? I'm actually okay with a lot of these people avoiding sex and anything sex-related like the plague. Just leave me and everyone else the fuck alone, would you please? I mean, that's one of the core issues for me and religion. It's not just that so many of faith are ignorant, they're ignorant and have to try and push their ignorance on everyone else. I have my own ignorant beliefs, thank you very much, and I really don't need any more.

About the only good thing about this particular case of lameness is that it's Abercrombie Fitch (hey, Fitch is always neglected, let's give he/she/it some love/hate) who's taking shit, and fuck them and their shitty trendy clothes. I do have to give them some credit for the West Virginia t-shirt, however. West Virginia? Sister fucking? Now that's some racy shit.

This pisses me off. I'm not a huge fan of letting criminals choose their own punishment. You fucked up, so we're going to put your life in someone else's hands. They're probably an idiot too, but it does make it all kind of sporting.

The way I see it, keeping this guy alive was great. The asshole is a convicted child molester, and he's unhappy with his situation. That's fine by me. We all know where kiddie rapers fit into the prison hierarchy, so I can't imagine why he'd be unhappy. Amongst the murderers, thieves, and other criminals, child sex offenders are the lowest of the low. Furthermore, they are treated accordingly. I always say we should just kill sex criminals, but when I know that they have lots and lots of anal rape and whatnot out ahead of them, I kinda like that even better. So if he was unhappy with his situation, good. Also, if he's pissed off and killing other criminals, even better. If he's going after other murderers and rapists, that's a fucking good deal. Everyone wins. He's miserable with his situation, and at the same time is killing a bunch of other assholes. Not only do they deserve to die, but their deaths are helping save us taxpayers some money.

But yeah, leave it up to Florida to ruin a good thing by giving a child molester what he wants. Injection happy assholes. I'm a fan of capital punishment, but let's be a little more discriminatory.

When it comes to punishing criminals, I'm ironically somewhat Biblical and - dare I say - rather conservative. For one, I don't give a shit about deterrence. I'm out for revenge. Incarcerating and executing criminals doesn't do shit to stop other people from committing heinous crimes, but at least those who are convicted get their due. Also, fuck this tree-hugging nonsense about rehabilitation. You fuck up enough, we really don't need you. In fact, we're better off without you.

My guess is that I will be singing a much different tune once I'm in jail for something, but such is life.

We need to hear more stories like this. Maybe we can compile a bunch of them and make a tape. Get ready for US Presidents: Too Hot for TV. My guess is that Clinton can sustain his own bonus tape. Kennedy... Fuck, Kennedy would be all-out porn.

Okay, I've pretty much had it with this story. It's kinda cute and all, but it's over. Really really old guy is in elementary school. I get it.

He says he also hopes to learn to read the Bible - because he does not trust the version he hears each week in church.

Gee, better not tell him how untrustworthy the written version of the Bible is.

www.clownchildporn.fart

Raise your hand if you find yourself surprised when reading stories like this. Especially when it involves a clown named "Spanky." Yeah, that nickname ended up hitting a little too close to home. Man, I fucking hate clowns. Why exactly do we have them? I think we should throw them all in jail, because each and every one of them is guilty of creeping me the fuck out.

Have we finally begun to find those elusive WMD? Will TB finally be exonerated on that claim? Is it all over for the anti-Bush crowd? Probably not. Even Fox News isn't getting too excited.

Spam:

You don't know it, but you're incompetent

Actually, I already knew that. Thanks for stoppin' by. Seriously, is this really the best way to promote your product? By insulting your potential customer? Unless if this was me - and it wasn't - a new selling tactic is suggested.

Yeah, I could have pretty much told you all of this, and I'm clearly no influential group. Every point in there had me saying "no shit" or "it's a shame we couldn't have seen that coming. Al Qaeda is even more pissed and focused on us than before, TWAT isn't as effective as we're being told, and we're diluting our resources. That's okay, four more years of Bush should fix everything.

Some new GYWO went up over a week ago for those of you out of it like me.

Some more discussion of Team Bush's "clear plan" for transitioning to Iraqi sovereignty. A plan which is probably far from clear and most likely pulled together late last night. There's lots of bullshit surrounding this, but here's my favorite from that article:

The resolution makes clear that Iraq's new sovereign government must give its "consent" to troops, he [Tony Blair, the other TB] will point out.

Yeah, because the new "government" will really have a choice in the matter. Whoever the fuck that new government is.

Imagine that.

Some new linkers that I found no thanks to Technorati, whose link cosmos now picks up all my fucking links to myself (namely, the archive links on my front page):

the night shift
Naked Drinking Coffee
How Scandinavian of Me

Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt. Seriously, don't scientists have better things to do with their time? I guess things have been slow ever since they cured AIDS and cancer.

Robbie Williams on line one

Yahoo search:

NUDE SAM WATERSTON

I'm a big Sam Waterston fan (be sure and get your robot insurance), but I'm unfortunately of no use to this person. Whoever this searcher was must have it bad for Jack McCoy (which I certainly don't blame them for), because they found me on page 10 of the search results.

Fuck the sun, I fucking hate it too; long live the fucking beast

One of the nice things about this time of year is that it actually rains in Colorado. I like it when it rains. Yes, I just said something positive. You're just going to have to get used to the new direction this site is taking.

Rain is neat. It's cool, and refreshing, and it smells nice. Well, except sometimes right before a rainstorm when the cow shit smell from Greeley drifts outwards. Another reason I like rain, I think, is just because I get sick of all the fucking sunshine here. That's right, I'm tired of sun. I don't need the fucking sun. It's not like I ever go outdoors anyway. Too much sunshine makes it difficult to wear pants (I hate wearing shorts, I look even more fucking retarded in them than normal) and all the nice jackets I'm always buying myself. But yeah, it's just a nice change of pace from all the bloody sun. My guess is that if I lived some place where it rained all the time, I'd be like "Fuck this rain bullshit, when the hell are we going to mix some goddamn sun in here?" I still wouldn't be wearing any shorts, though.

It's also nice to get rain here because we fucking need it. We've been dealing with a bullshit drought since, I dunno, FDR or something, and it'd be nice to get out of that. Also, the rain helps keep the state from going up in flames like it did a couple of summers ago.

And... I'm rambling. Like usual. This is hard.

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

Okay, so god fucking damn it. I've been trying for almost a week now to get back into the groove with posting, and it's clearly not fucking happening. Work is just fucking kicking my ass right now. Late nights during the week plus full days on the weekend equals little to no 'blogging. I know this is pussy shit for many of you out there, but just pointing out what the fuck's up. It should calm down next week, but we'll see.

This really isn't a complaint for once. I like that I'm actually working hard. I actually feel useful and like I'm contributing something, unlike the internship I rode out for two years. To be honest, what's making these last few weeks (save the trip to Chicago, and yes, I know, at least I got that) so fucking difficult and irritating is all sorts of other little shit that's non-work related. Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have about a billion other little things pissing me off. Hey, that's good for the site. If I can get to the site, that is.

When it comes to the news and finding stuff to complain about there, I'm once again in a "same shit, different day" phase. There's Bush, and Iraq, and other political nonsense, but for some reason I just don't feel like complaining about those for the billionth time. But, like always, I will eventually.

Maybe I should change focus and start

You know what, forget that. I can't even come up with a coherent sentence along those lines to make some kind of sarcastic joke. Let's see if I can go out and find something to complain about. If all else fails, there's always Google searches or some bullshit about my personal life that you don't give a damn about.

A couple of random amusing tidbits.

Something from someone's sig on Slashdot:

"Have you ever thought about just turning off the TV, sitting down with your kids, and hitting them?"

Overheard during a conversation on cops pulling you over when you've been drinking:

"I'll take the physical challenge."

So, yeah, I know that the idea of starting a draft - possibly in the form of universal compulsory service - has been floating around for some time now. Still, this is the first time I've seen a timeframe tacked down. Plus, I'm an alarmist, so this kind of shit is just what I do. For anyone who wants to read a little more, you can go here and search for for "HR163" or "S89" to find the House and Senate versions, repsectively, of the Universal National Service Act of 2003.

This might be pretty fucking important if you're like me and worried about a draft being fired up. I was alerted to this by ETP who found it over at Indiscretions.

I'm sorry, but the way this article is written is making the story funnier than it needs to be. It doesn't help that the circus is involved.

... while hundreds of children and parents watched in horror.

I don't care, anytime both parents and children are watching in horror, that is good times.

Witness Eric Neel told KSTP-TV she was twirling from a chiffon scarf when something went wrong.

Um, I think I know what went wrong... She was suspended from the ceiling twirling from a chiffon scarf.

A spokesman for the Ramsey County Medical Examiner said Sunday morning an autopsy had not yet been performed.

Sometimes I don't understand why they need to perform an autopsy. I mean, when you fall 35 feet head first into concrete, the cause of death is pretty obvious. I think some MEs do it just because they get off on this shit. Okay, okay, maybe they want to try and figure out if something (besides hanging from the ceiling on basically nothing) helped cause the fall. Why do you have to ruin everything that's good and pure in my world?

According to her biography, Espana once held a world record for twirling 75 hula hoops while appearing on the TV show Live With Regis & Kathie Lee. She held the record until 1999.

Once again, high school student CNN writer needs to get his word count over the bare minimum.

The sound of heads shaking and eyes rolling. Sure, this could happen to anyone, but it's kinda extra funny when it happens to Bush.

Since I'm not feeling that great right now, I'm going to post a really fucked up and depressing story. As opposed to the kind of stories I post when I'm feeling good.

Yeah, I know, things have been slow around here. Not like anyone gives a shit. In the words of George Carlin, I've been busy as a dyke in a hardware store. To keep things slow, here are a couple of Google searches from the People are Fucked Up department:

PICS OF TURTLES HARMED BY A PLASTIC BAG

pics of robbie williams asshole