This shit fucking pisses me off. Is childhood obesity a problem? Yes. Is it the fault of McDonald's? No. It's the fault of shitty parents and a lazy fucking society. Ronald has never shown up at anyone's house with a sack of greasy burgers and a gun and a mission to make you or your kids fat.

We need to start sterilizing more people (and if that means everyone so be it) because there are way too many people having kids who just don't want to do their fucking job as a parent. Enough is enough. And yeah I know parents can get a toy for a measly ten cents extra but it's the principle goddammit.

Wow, so many things to say about this fucked up Penn State thing, but as always, The Onion says all that needs to be said.

OK, well I can probably find a couple more things to say. I feel like I should say something upfront here, as I know it's awkward at best for me of all people to be commenting considering my typical laissez faire attitude towards jokes about this kind of thing. The difference there is that even if you find such posts tasteless or offensive in the end they are all just bullshit -- but multiply that stuff by the complex conjugate and shit just got real.

Anyway, yeah, the whole focus on football and how every single article about the scandal comes back to that really is pretty fucked up. I know that realistically you can't expect different from the media but still.

I find myself doing it too. Like I start to think, well, part of you wants to give someone like Paterno the benefit of the doubt even though this looks horrible, and wait, what? Man, fuck Joe Paterno. Dude lost his job and his reputation is forever tarnished. Big fucking deal. Doubtful he's gonna have any real legal woes and the worst he will have to deal with is some inconvenience. And he's gonna be dead after not too long anyway. All of which is preferable to some of the alternatives in this case.

Oh, and for all you Penn Staters who are all worried about your school's reputation and whatnot, or are for some reason overly concerned about who coaches your team of future burger flippers: fuck you. Fuck you kids who are simply mad that Paterno got canned while not knowing shit about shit. At most some of you are paying token lip service to how we should be focusing on the victims and their messed up lives but really all you give a shit about is yourselves. The worst you'll have to deal with is maybe the football team won't be quite as good anymore (trust me you can learn to live with that) and in the future when you tell people you went to Penn they'll be like, "Oh yeah? Huh." That's all. Did I mention, fuck you.

Never a good sign when something potentially important is riding on a state like Mississippi.

Along with the issue of the religious right trying to codify their beliefs, there's people saying scary shit like this:

"This is a principle. ... All of those other details can be worked out," she said.

"Clearly we would anticipate there would be a litigation challenge on this issue and the legislature would have to fill in all of the blanks for this as we go forward," said Mississippi's secretary of state, Delbert Hosemann.

When you're talking about amending a state's constitution (in this case one probably written in crayon), in a manner with potentially far-reaching consequences, maybe you oughta have some details worked out and blanks filled in beforehand. Of course, keeping things vague and simple is what they are looking for so they can potentially take it to those far-reaching lengths.

Extra nice is that second quote from the freaking Secretary of State for Mississippi. This is an official elected to a fairly high office. Awesome.

Also love the family mentioned in the article, who are against the measure not because the proposed amendment is just plain wrong, but because it impacts them and what they want personally. Assholes.

I really hope they don't fuck this up tomorrow but I'm not holding out too much hope for a state that consistently ranks poorly in education.

You know I can empathize and get on board with some of the things that the Occupy movement is all hot and bothered about. Rampant corporate greed and corruption, the widening gap between the haves and have-nots... Yeah those are things we shouldn't just be bending over for. On the other hand, I do find myself muttering a lot, do you people understand how the world actually works?

Much like the tea partiers are to a good degree tools of corporations and the religious right, am I the only one more than a little unnerved with the feeling that these protesters are just tools of labor unions? Mention of union involvement in these protests seems to get little mentions here and there and it has this insidious feel to me. Not that I'm necessarily anti-union (or that I'm necessarily pro-union either), but I'm just anti-bullshit.

And a YouTube video, posted on Rapdose.com, showed Simmons at the park flanked by Grammy Award-winning artist Kanye West.

Kanye, really? And Russell Simmons? I'm sorry but when you're pissed at the rich having two rich dudes show up to lend support does not exactly make anyone look legit. Or did Kanye just show up to say I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT IN GERMANY POST WORLD WAR II AMERICA HAD THE GREATEST OCCUPATION OF ALL TIME!!!

And then there's good ol' Al Sharpton, who means well but in the end is the king of manufactured indignation:

"These (demonstrators) are regular people trying to feed their families, trying to pay their rent and mortgages, trying to survive."

How exactly is protesting for over three weeks straight paying your fuckin' rent, again? I realize when it comes to protest and speaking out for a cause someone's gotta be out there doing it at the expense of other things, but the inconsistency of this kind of statement annoys me.

"Even as banks got bailed out, American children have witnessed their parents get tossed out of their homes and lose their jobs. Public school kids have lost arts, music and physical education"

I think we can all agree that the loss of phys ed is not exactly a huge one. Yes, I know, there are a lot of fat fuckin' kids out there. That's the product of an empty consumerist society that thrives on excess (see, I told you I'm not exactly against what these protesters are on about). Oh and of course, the product of fat fucking parents. They went through phys ed and we see where that got them.

"We can't just sit idly by while the politicians in Washington play political games with our jobs and our livelihoods"

Fully agreed there.

"It's time to take the fight to the streets."

Take it to the polls, geniuses, and stop electing fucking morons. And yes, I am on the record as being a non-voter.

"... several Republicans, among them 2012 presidential candidates Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich, have described the demonstrations as "class warfare."

Yeah fuck you assholes for crying "class warfare" whenever something comes along to threaten your white rich-ass lifestyle.

"The bottom line is, people want to express themselves, as long as they obey the laws, we'll allow them to," [Bloomberg] said.

Hey thanks Mike for letting us know you understand the First Amendment.

"No longer will banks take our homes. No longer will banks rob students of our future. No longer will banks destroy the environment. No longer will banks fund the misery of war. No longer will banks cause massive unemployment. And no longer will banks create and profit from economic crisis without a struggle"

Man, forget all that sounds-good liberal bullshit and just tell banks to start fucking LENDING again. Those cockholes were given tons of money at least ostensibly in part to start lending again but instead the shitheads have pretty much just been hoarding cash for three years.

As always I could have saved us all a lot of time as what I'm really trying to say is, the Occupy movement has once again cemented my stance that I hate everyone.

You know what really pisses me off about things like this? Not the fact that it can be perceived as mildly offensive. No, it's the fact that a company and its ad company can be stupid enough to actually put out an ad like this. How does no one in a meeting raise their hand and say, "Ummm, yeah, let's not do this one, because deserved or not, we're going to catch hell for it."

"Adding Nivea to the list of companies that will not be getting my money," tweeted blogger Septembre Anderson...

Get off your high horse. You're a fucking blogger and your name is September and you spell it wrong.

Imagine if it was a white dude with scraggly ass hair and a playoff beard. Crickets.

Look, I know that's somewhat different and it's not as if I don't see why people would be bothered by this. But to me people these days are just always way too anxious to puke out their forced indignation. This irritates me because they're not doing anything to advance the dialog, they're just making noise and trying to feel good about how righteous they are. Oh, and another thing: afros and beards aren't civilized... That's why they're cool.

Even more sickening is the typical, unimaginative response from the offending company:

"Diversity and equal opportunity are crucial values of NIVEA: The brand represents diversity, tolerance, and equal opportunity."

Your brand represents helping people relieve dry skin and masturbation. That's it.

In conclusion: WHO ARE THE AD WIZARDS WHO CAME UP WITH THIS ONE?!

Hey asshole: your article starts out great by pointing out the power of perception but you clearly don't grasp how your plan will actually be perceived. To non-believers in Jesus encouraging them to learn about him and follow his teachings is going to come across as the exact same thing as trying to evangelize and convert. Especially because, in the end, that is exactly what you are trying to do. You don't understand that people don't want to listen to your stupid crap, because, hey, they already have a bunch of stupid crap that they already believe in.

Funny thing is, Jesus never said, “Go into the world and convert people to Christianity.”

Funny thing is, that's because Jesus wasn't a Christian, idiot. A simple fact lost on a lot of people is that Christianity is the religion about Jesus, not the religion of Jesus.

Dude, you really are everything that is wrong with the world. Well, you and everyone else.

"If Jesus were alive today, the last thing he'd be is a Christian."
- Twain

When I saw a headline for this "news" article which said "Kardashian's disease: What is it?" my initial response was, ummmm, it's the condition where a woman is not very attractive but has big tits and based solely on that she gets a ton of attention. Turns out she has psoriasis, but from now on I will refer to women like her as having Kardashian's disease. Which, let's face it, plenty of women would love to have.

Almost always I fully read any article that I post here but in this case I'm making an exception because I get extremely irritated if I have to read more than a sentence or two about Hollywood cunts and furthermore there are more important matters to get to. I've probably blogged about this before but I've never understood the fascination with big boobs. Well, OK, I understand the fascination; people (particularly men) are simple and stupid. Regardless, they simply have never impressed me. Sure, I really do have a predilection towards small and medium sized-ones. I even say "Yay for double-A!" Initially one would say all of this is because I'm a little person and biased towards smaller sized things in general. Maybe that's part of it, but that certainly isn't all of it.

One of the biggest issues I have? Gravity. Say you see a naked woman with big jugs and they're down to like her waist. And she's 20. C'mon, what's hot about this? Of course they won't sag if they're fake and reasonably new, but fake breasts are another conversation for another time.

I will give big boobs an edge in clothing; they will fill out a sweater or tight top or whatever in a very pleasing fashion like smaller boobs can't. However, smaller breasts look way better naked and the whole point is to get the girl naked so small breasts win.

Also, I think my favorite thing about boobs, no, I don't think it, I know it, is cleavage. You don't need big breasts to have awesome cleavage, and you don't have any of those gravity issues either.

OK it's another time now so we can have the convo about fake tits. Under almost any circumstances I deplore breast implants. If you've had a mastectomy and you're just looking to get things back to where they were, that's understandable. I suppose I can also understand if a woman is fully flat. Or has concave cans. But otherwise, I just can't allow them. Lucky for women out there that I'm not in charge of anything and so they're allowed to perpetrate a boob holocaust whenever they want.

I despise phoniness in whatever form it comes and that is a huge part of the prejudice against fake ones. Probably the biggest part. I also don't like the notion of messing up something that is perfectly nice to begin with for no truly good reason. Oh and then there's the fact that fake boobs just don't look right. Not only do they look bad but they apparently can feel bad too; I have never felt fake breasts myself but once heard them described them as feeling "crunchy." Gross.

I have heard plenty of explanations from women as to why breasts implants are OK. It's not just for attention from guys or to one-up other women or blah blah blah. Bullshit.

What's the point of doing it just for the attention, anyway? Do you really want the attention of people who wouldn't pay attention to you otherwise? And fuck other bitches, if all you've got to win on is boob size then you have nothing at all.

I know what every woman wants to bring up now: dick size. I think the phallic comparison is totally fallacious. Even if any of those pills actually worked or there was effective cock enhancement surgery none of it would translate to automatic increased attention and attractiveness because you can't just let it hang out like a woman can with her breasts without getting arrested. And you know, the interest in bigger dongs actually makes some sense for simple physiological reasons. Would I do it if I could? I dunno, maybe, maybe not. I'm not sure it's worth the risk of messing up what little I have, and since I can't just put it on display it would do precisely nothing to overcome my crippling insecurity or social issues.

I know the notion of "be happy with what you have" is easier said than done. I really do; I clearly have a metric fuckload of inadequacies -- real or imagined -- that I'm carrying around. But in the end, just deal with it, and please don't be an asshole and ruin a perfectly nice pair of hooters, alright?

This has nothing to do with enticing kids to drink -- they're kids; they already want to drink and need no such encouragement. This beverage line is intended as a new means for guys to try and get chicks drunk easier and faster.

Also, Blogger's Andriod app is a piece of shit. I had this posted earlier, after giving up on the app and just going through the normal web login, and the app still managed to fuck me even after that.

Run, Rick, run!

She turned me into a newt

So Republicans hate Obama so much and are so scared of how he's ruining America that precisely no one will man up and say "Yeah, I'm gonna take down that commie-Nazi-Muslim-not-born-in-America-motherfucker." Yeah, OK, Palin is pretty much a lock, but she hasn't said anything other than her usual gibberish yet. And there's D-Trump who is so full of his own bullshit that he thinks we're laughing with him and he will probably give it a go since he can't see past his own terrible combover. But again, he hasn't said anything definitive either (unless I missed it because I wanted to).

And then there's Newt, who's said he's kinda-sorta thinking about maybe running. For awhile there, I was really on board with the idea of Newt running for a handful of completely pragmatic reasons. One reason was me thinking, god, just not Palin, alright? Yes, it would be a major embarrassment to the Republicans, and funny in that right, but I think right, left, or center, Palin shames us all by her very celebrity, to say nothing of a legit presidential run.

Newt, on the other hand, is someone I thought I could respect intellectually. Look, I'm not saying I like the dude, OK? I fucking hate Dick Cheney -- I frequently refer to him as one of the biggest pieces of shit alive -- but I do have a begrudging respect for him on an intellectual level. I don't think Newt is as big of a shitclown as Cheney (although still a pretty damn big one), but it's the same kind of deal. And at least I could say, "Hey, at least dude's smart, unlike many others."

And to further clarify, should he run, no, I'm not gonna vote for him. Or anyone else for that matter. If you're not part of the problem, well, you're not part of the problem. Voters on the other hand are part of the problem. I'm not saying we abandon the illusion of representative democracy, but I am saying that the electorate is fucking retarded.

Anyway, back to Newt. I also first thought that he is what the Republican party really needs -- a smart dude with some street cred. But then there's stuff like this.

"I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists..."

What? Secular atheist radical Islamists? Is that like Jews for Jesus (which I thought were called Christians but no they're a separate group)? Newt is not going to get better. And neither are the rest of us.

I don't understand the whole notion of Islamists becoming a dominant force in this country, anyway. This is not the first time some scaremonger has ejaculated this on a group of sheep. Islamists. Really. A group with no current political power? A group of people who can't get on an airplane without making white people tremble? A group of people that many dumbfucks refer to as sand niggers? They're seriously going to be in charge in a handful of decades?

Sure, the scaremongers might not really believe that, and they're just doing what they can to rile up people who are dumb enough to believe anything. But shit, maybe they do believe their own nonsensical rhetoric. And besides, everyone knows that it's really the hispanics who are going to be in charge in the medium-term future. And, holy fuck, I just figured it out! That's what all this radical Islam shit is about -- it's just one big feint operation by all those illegals and other Mexicans to distract us from the fact that they're taking over!

Ya see how stupid shit like that sounds, Newt? Hey, not any dumber than acid wash, right? I close with this:

Um, no dude. You forfeited because you're a fucking pussy and you were afraid you would get your ass kicked by a girl. Or maybe just afraid to touch a girl in the first place who you don't call Mom. Well I suppose you could call her "Mom" but then, man, that's just fucked up. Get some help and grow a fuckin' pair, wouldja?

"Even though there’s no specific Scripture that addresses wrestling with girls, there is the biblical Christian principle of treating women with respect and dignity...”

It never ceases to amaze me as to how many people who profess to believe in the Bible have apparently never actually read it. Actually, that's a lie -- I'm never astounded with these types. I know how they roll.

Why I am not a Christian, or anything else for that matter

The title of this post is with all due respect to Bertrand Russell, truly one of history's greatest badasses.

As I mentioned in a recent post I would like to try and push myself to write more often, in one way or another. I have been wanting to put the ideas spewed out below in writing somehow and I figured, hey, why not for a buncha strangers who aren't reading this anyway? I have no illusions about this being earth-shattering commentary or anything like that, but I just wanted to set it down for my own edification. I also wanted to try and interject more humour into this post before I put it out there and maybe I had some success there but either way fuck it. And yeah, I just went British on your ass.

Ever since I started this 'blog, Jesus, almost eight years ago? Anyway, yeah, ever since then (and well before for those who know me outside of this 'blog) it was pretty clear that I hate religion. But why, Bitter Little Man? What did religion ever do to you?

Sorry to report that there's nothing really juicy to report. I didn't have biblethumping parents who raised me on a strict diet of religion and bullshit (but I repeat myself). I didn't have it beaten into me, literally or figuratively, that I was a sinner and destined for Hell. I was not molested by a clergyman.

To clarify up front, I am what Richard Dawkins calls a de-facto atheist. At my core I am agnostic because I can flat out say: I don't know. But I live my life in a way that is consistent with there being no god, and I think the odds of there being a god are pretty slim. I could go into this further, but just do yourself a favor and go read The God Delusion by Dawkins because it is much more insightful than this drivel. But by all means, read the rest of this too; you've already invested too much to quit now!

Now, I didn't get my religious standing from reading Dawkins (in fact I only managed to get around to reading Delusion a few months back). I was raised mildly Christian. The most religious person in my family is my grandmother, and she was very influential to me growing up. She taught me to believe in God and Jesus (well they are the same really, but they're not... Christ what a mess) and the Bible. We didn't go to church regularly or anything, but I did have a basic belief in Christianity since that is what I was taught from a young age.

Once I got to be, oh around 15 I would suppose, I of course knew everything, as all teenagers do. In all seriousness though, I did at least know enough to know that there are a lot of religions out there. I mean a fuckload. Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Zoroastrianism... The list is as endless as it is annoying. For the most part, they are all mutually incompatible, by design. If they weren't incompatible, there would have been some mergers and acquisitions along the way and we'd have a lot fewer of them.

Even discounting religions that are totally different in their fundamentals, how about the religions that have some common core beliefs (such as Jesus Christ being the lord and saviour of mankind) and they STILL can't fucking get along? Forget about any mergers, the history of many if not all religions is the splintering off into new factions when people can't bloody agree on the stupid set of ideas they want to believe in and how they want to go about executing their belief.

With all these religions -- many of them vastly different -- I also realized the simple notion that they of course can't ALL be right. Even though every one of them has decided that they are indeed correct and everyone else has it wrong. Aside from that notion, it further occurred to me that what if maybe -- just maybe -- none of them were right?

I would say that that was the first cornerstone of my religious undoing. But as I had already learned, and would continue to learn, religion has been pretty horrific to mankind over the years. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. So much shit has been perpetrated with religion as the underpinning. To wit: the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the partition of India, the Holocaust, the Middle East situation for the past sixty years, the Middle East for a solid chunk of history prior, 9/11 (and 3/11 and 7/7 just so you don't think I'm all Ameri-centric), the oppression of women, discrimination against homosexuals... The list is long as it is depressing.

It may seem strange to some that I include things such as India and the Holocaust in there since those weren't Big Bad Religion going out there and fucking with someone, they were something terrible perpetrated on a group of people because of their religion. But that's exactly my point. What if people had no religious identities? How would the partition of India, truly one of history's greatest humanitarian disasters, have gone down if they didn't have Hindus and Muslims to separate? What group would Hitler have used as the scapegoat for Germany's problems?

Yes, I know that Hitler went after lots of other groups, but of course Jews were public enemy #1 for him. I further realize that people are persecuted for lots of other reasons besides religion, but religion is what we're discussing here so stop trying to change the subject, gorrammit. The point here is that without religion, there is one less gigantic reason for people to be killed or oppressed or just have to face unnecessary strife.

What's that you say? Not all people of faith perpetrate horrific crimes against others? Yeah I know. Much like specifically most Muslims are not terrorists, generally speaking most religious people are not major troublemakers. Sure, they may be annoying, hell VERY annoying lots of times, but hey, they aren't really bothering anyone and certainly not bringing questions of mortality into play (morality being another story). Still though, based on history, mankind clearly cannot keep its shit together when it comes to religion. A handful of miscreants have simply made the whole endeavour not worth it.

So the crimes of religion form the second cornerstone. Even if the myriad religions all thinking they have the answer (or final solution, you might say) to certain quandaries wasn't totally retarded, even if religion hadn't led to countless problems throughout history as well as the everyday lives of people, there still remains one reason why I despise religion: it discourages critical thought. You could easily argue that it requires you to suspend critical thought. And what takes the place of thinking about stuff? Blind faith.

Please note the critical modifier: blind. I don't do well with blind faith. Oh, I can have faith -- in myself, friends, family, co-workers, science. That faith isn't blind though; it is based on facts, experiences, experiments, etc. Maybe I can't guarantee some things or say that I know them with absolute 100% totally indestructible certainty, but I can say that for all practical purposes I know some things. I can have faith in another person, for instance, based on the experiences I have had with them, getting to know them as a person, etc. I can have faith in scientific knowledge because it is based on study and experimentation, peer review, etc. Sure, someone I thought I knew could turn out different from what I was expecting. Sure, science can be manipulated for politics or personal gain, and scientific knowledge evolves over time. That evolution is a huge part of my point, though -- by simply thinking about stuff, ideas we have, either individually or collectively, can change as new data becomes available.

Religion, by and large, does not really change much. Oh sure, every now and then the Pope decides to quit being an asshole over something, or in the face of disgustingly overwhelming evidence the Church has to change their stance on something, but that's not exactly the same as the progression of science. In the end, religion says, hey, don't think about this -- listen to what this old dude standing up in front of the congregation while wearing Liberace's Snuggie tells you and just believe because it is the word of God. Why is it the word of God? Because it just is! Jesus, were you not listening?

I'm not saying that everyone who is religious never thinks about their religion. There are plenty of people out there who question their faith, many who question it a lot. But if that questioning doesn't lead to the abandoning of religious belief, then it's all for naught.

OK His Bitterness, so you think everyone who holds religious beliefs is a ratard? This is one area that I struggle with a bit. I know, and am friends with, many very smart people who I like, respect, and admire, who are religious in one way or another. I don't automatically think that someone is stupid just for believing in god or whatever, but I do think that that one part of them is retarded. I seriously do have low regards for religious beliefs and practices. But I can still like a person who is religious just the same as I can like a person who roots for a sports team I hate. Granted, religion is a bigger deal to people than sports, but, wait, no it really isn't. That was the perfect thing to pick for comparison.

In the end, I do strongly believe in everyone's right to their own religious beliefs, and right to practice those beliefs, just so long as they aren't being a pain in the ass about it. Yeah it is hard to draw the line between "Well, OK" and "Knock it the fuck off" but I know it when I see it. And also, hey, what if I'm wrong about everything? I'm fully willing to admit that I could be. Let's just agree that I think your beliefs are dumb and you believe I'm going to Hell and we'll call it a day.

Alright, so that's it: too many religions that can't agree, too much ugly shit, and you have to stop thinking to believe in that nonsense. We don't need religion to be good and would be a lot better off without it. Maybe simply just putting out this concluding paragraph would have made for a cleaner post. Amen to that.

Page 38 'sup check

OK so what follows somewhere below is an incomplete post that I put together just over a year ago and never put out there. Yeah, I have a real problem putting out. Which is lame because I used to be such a blogging whore. Well, maybe it was only good for me, but fuck you, I was getting laid. Wait, what? No I wasn't, what the fuck is going on here?

Hey, sorry. I'm a bit out of tune. Anyway I was reading over this post that I had in drafts and it struck a chord in so many ways. First off, I'm still struggling with all this shit. Which is sad. I mean a year fucking later, really? And not like I haven't done this before at several points in life.

You know what that makes me? Days of Our Lives. Back in high school, I was fucking hooked on that show. My mom used to take late lunches to pick me up from school and when we got home she would watch it. At first I was like, soaps, fuck that. But then after awhile it just got in my brain and I was all like OMG Sammy is such a bitch when are John and Marlena just going to get back together Jack is hard-core and can't wait for him to take down Peter etc.

Freshman year of college we did not have cable TV in the dorms. Despite the fact that ETP and I bought an antenna that employed secret government technology the reception we got was shit. I recorded Days every day, however (on VHS; Jesus L. Christ I am fucking old now), and would watch it after classes. But the combo of truly awful reception and recording on century old technology finally got to me. Having to watch that shit through so much snow was rehab for me. I was off the drug.

Several years later, ETP and I took in an episode of Days on a whim. And you know what? Everything was exactly the fucking same. Sammy was still a scheming bitch, Bo and Hope were still having problems, so on and so forth. In the intervening several years we missed precisely nothing. Now, if you watch soaps, sorry, your stories, you know this concept to be true. You know that you can drop a show at any given point in time and find an arbitrary point in the future and start watching again and you know precisely what is going on. Seeing this in action though, knowing it from experience instead of merely just knowing it, is astounding.

So anyway, that's me. A year ago I was full of self-doubt. Afraid that what little talent I ever had, if any, was gone or at least severely diminished. But thinking maybe, just maybe, something's still there, and it can be resurrected one more time than Jesus was. A year ago I was stuck on this girl who is truly amazing on paper but maybe not so much in real life but maybe still is for real and so I'm still like come on this could work if the world would just stop being stupid but it's really me who's stupid. And a year later... Le sigh.

You can see that since I've been gone I've totally 'roided out my run-on sentence skills.

I'm a good writer. I enjoy writing. And my shit's funny. But what if it isn't? See there's that crap again. I really need to get back to just writing for the love of writing. Doing it for my own benefit. Who cares if people aren't on board? It's not for them. It's possible I could actually get my shit together.

The reason why I decided to put this post out there, including the old one, ultimately, was because I was going through all this pathetic self-doubt a year ago, saying I'm not funny anymore, blah blah. But then I read some of the stuff I wrote and I was like, dude, that was pretty funny. So if I was thinking that shit back then and was still able to mine some nuggets without realizing it, hey, why not now?

It's sad that I feel the need to clarify but I do: I am completely sober right now. Totally high on life, rah rah and shit. Well not really; I used to get high on life but I built up a tolerance (what is that from? LATER EDIT: It's from the awesome but sadly defunct webcomic Antiwang).

Maybe I'll fail to gain any traction here but I hafta start someplace. So without further ado, here is my mopey-ass shit from a year ago/right now. It's unedited from where I left it, and incomplete. But if we're gonna pick up with Sammy being a bitch, let's look back to when she was also a bitch:

Dammit. Every time I think I'm gonna get back into the swing of things here, I just don't. Laziness is the main culprit but let's do what so many of us tend to do and pretend it's more complicated than that.

Life really changed for me in 8th grade. Prior to that I was just me. I was a dork and I went about my business and that was just that. I think in 8th grade I really became self-aware and maybe that's not such a great thing. Maybe Patrick Swayze was onto something. For the uninitiated, that man simply was not self-aware. If you feel that it is pretty bush to talk this way about the dead, fuck you. I think you should speak the same of someone in death as you did in life. We are such pussies when it comes to that.

Sorry, that was a rant I didn't intend to get off on. And oh did I ever get off. Anyway...

Ever since 8th grade, I have been constantly concerned that I am not as good as I used to be. I always have this feeling that I used to be pretty smart and clever and funny and I'm just not as much so anymore. I'm also always concerned that I'm not good enough at that point in time as well. Basically, I'm just one big inferiority complex.

With regards to this 'blog though, I occasionally read back through old posts, and I find some really, really funny shit. And yeah OK, sure it's funny to me -- I fucking wrote it. But I read stuff and I'm like, yeah, I'm just not that funny anymore. And that's just with the average post; forget about the handful of posts that even I have to admit are just sheer fucking genius. I just can't be funny like that anymore because I have gotten stupider.

I used to have no real justification for my declining abilities but now I can come up with some legit ones. I am on the wrong side of 30 now. Six months sure but hey, the wrong side is the wrong side. It's just fact that we start to go downhill at some point. I am also continually terrified that years of drinking way too much have destroyed enough brain cells that, yeah, I am definitely stupider. Doesn't stop me from drinking anymore though, but well, what do you expect? I'm stupid now. Even stupider than before.

I try to remind myself of days past when I thought I was in trouble and I was just manufacturing nonsense. I also try to think about what Jim Rome used to say about John Daly -- the immensely talented golfer who basically threw all his shit away 'cause he had drinking and gambling and various other personal problems: you never lose the talent.

That of course presumes I ever had any talent. I dunno if I had any talent, but I could make some people laugh. People who I'd never even met before. That was pretty neat. But laziness and apathy and just the kind of atrophy that comes with time kinda killed all that off.

The only way to get back, or, shit, get anywhere, is to just quit whining and work at it.

OK so this is about the eight billionth post that I have made like this over the past year or so. In case if you're wondering, dude, where the fuck are those eight billion posts, well, most of them I wrote and never published. Or, I released them into the wild and then I pulled them not long thereafter. I may have already mentioned this but I am posting so infrequently these days that I can't remember what I did and didn't actually publish and leave out there.

Maybe one of these days I'll publish a compendium of all those phantom posts so that we can all see what my mental state has been like the past year. In case you are saying, um, no thanks, BLM, settle down. Just consider the following:

1. I haven't killed anyone else.
2. I haven't killed anyone else.

So how bad can it be?

Well pretty bad, really. Trite is the best word to describe it, 'cause most of it was about a girl. I wouldn't say it's Stabbing Westward-worthy material, but it was pretty weak. I'm mostly over it that I'm not making the efforts that I was making before, but I haven't totally let it go yet either. Gotta find some new stupid bullshit to focus on before that will happen.

I'm calling bullshit. Over 70,000 exorcisms? Assuming he started at 20 that's over a thousand a year. That's like nearly three a day. Bitch, please.

Bitch.

Yes. Yes exactly.

OK so after saying I don't really care about the Olympics anymore here's two skating posts back to back. Hey, I do still like the sport, I just have less of a vested interest now. Anyway, this pseudo-controversy is completely missing the most important fact: ice dancing is retarded. Seriously, fuck that shit. All it is is pairs without any of the hard stuff. I like real figure skating, not ice dancing.

Also, fuck everyone. I am so tired of every single fucking group out there just waiting for a reason to bitch about how they're being offended. You know, sometimes the complaints are totally legit, OK? And furthermore everyone has a right to be pissed and express their opinion about whatever. But usually people just need to relax and shut the fuck up. Everyone really needs to stop being so proud of their culture or their art or their whatever 'cause guess what? It mostly all sucks anyway. So get over it and get over yourselves. Jesus.

Everyone out there just waiting for false persecution to befall them needs to take a huge lesson from Jewish comedians. I may think their religion is stupid, but I totally respect how they can have their beliefs and be serious in them but at the same time laugh about them and not take things too seriously. Let's follow that example, eh?

I know what you're thinking. What if those weak-ass ice dancers went out there in blackface? Well that's not gonna happen 'cause they know black people have guns and they can't get away with shit like that. No one is afraid Aborigines. I mean; please.

The question about blackface is actually a pretty good retort but for starters I couldn't resist throwing out some humor. Humor in somewhat poor taste, yeah, but I know some of you are laughing. And of course I'm just joking about the black people all having guns thing but that helps bring me to a broader point. The thing is, you know, I really don't see what the problem is with making jokes like I just did or laughing at jokes like that. Obviously I would think that because I'm an asshole trying to justify my behavior but just work with me here alright.

Aboriginal costumes or blackface or whatever I think it's all OK. Yeah it may be shitty and it may be racist and it may be coming from a very lousy part of a total asshole. But it's all free speech. The whole point behind free speech is allowing people to say something that you might not like. There's no point in protecting speech that doesn't bother anyone. Everyone talks a good game about how they may disagree with someone but they defend to their death their right to say it blah blah blah. Of course a lot of people don't fully believe that; they really wish there was a way to shut people up who disagree with them. And again, that's the whole point behind laws protecting free speech.

Plus in the end, the words or dance routines or whatever aren't really hurting anyone, are they? What if you just ignored stuff like that? Would it go away? Umm, yeah, actually it would in many cases. The only reason stuff like that is hurtful or offensive is because people allow it to be. Words are just words until you let them be more, and if we all just stopped caring about shit like that our lives would be a lot more pleasant. Let the morons be morons and eventually they're just gonna go away anyway. Until those morons are making laws that truly are offensive then just let it go. It's when it comes to real actions that oppress people and take away their rights that I think shit's a problem. That's when people need to be up in arms and getting pissed.

Oh and one more thing. A lot of people who bitch about stuff like this dumbass ice dancing thing aren't really offended, they're just looking for attention. They just want some kind of excuse to run their mouths and let everyone know about their ultra-important opinions. These are some of the finest assholes we have amongst us, and they too need to just shut the fuck up.

I realize that I've said repeatedly that people need to shut the fuck up in one paragraph while in the very next I'm also talking up a good game about free speech rights. The thing is, I really do believe that people have every right to be douchebags and spew their opinions, but it would be so awesome if they could just put their efforts elsewhere towards something more worthwhile. Yes, this of course goes for me too. When I say people should stop talking what I am really trying to get at is that we all just need to relax more and follow the lead of our Jew comic brothers and sisters.

I think the best way to sum up my feelings here is to borrow some words of wisdom from ShitMyDadSays:

"Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole."

So the Democrats are going to lose Ted Kennedy's Senate seat. That is hilarious. Hope you enjoyed that supermajority while it lasted, dumbasses. You guys could not be more limp-dicked of an organization.

Another thing I am getting fucking sick and tired of is people who have NO sense of history, or, more generally speaking, no sense of anything at all. OK of course I'm not just now getting sick of this crap I was born sick of it. Take this for instance:


Two huge things pissing me off here. First of all, most everyone crying about "socialism" doesn't even know what the fuck socialism is. They just think it's a bad word and it's where we're headed 'cause some ignorant politician or mouthpiece said so. On top of that many of them take it to extremes, thinking we're on the path to becoming something like China. Red China? Really?

Then there's that quote about guns. I cannot say this any more clearly, fucktards: THE SECOND AMENDMENT ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE. Now shut the FUCK UP and stop panicking so that I can both FIND and AFFORD bloody 9mm ammo, you child-minded pricks.

Huh; must be getting angry now.

Never mind trying to get people to understand shit that went down decades ago, they don't even understand recent history. Exhibit B, dumb shit like this:


Again, putting it simply: NO HE DIDN'T. Where the fuck were you idiots in September/October of 2008? You know, when shit REALLY hit the fan and we were talking about another great depression? You know, before Obama was even elected? Look, like I've said before I am honestly not all that turned on by Obama these days, but get your shit straight, please.

Yes, I realize these are two random images I found online that were made by some random retard. But just go listen to talk radio for about five minutes and you will see that opinions such as these are being vomited all over the place, and it is infuriating that these people do not simply die.

I know I'm just preaching to the choir, but it needs to be said: Pat Robertson, professional douchebag.

Amongst my myriad problems I have a really, really hard time accepting things that displease me but just aren't gonna change no matter what. I realize I am not alone in possessing this flaw but I think I'm a little worse than the average person when it comes to just sucking it up and moving on.

One thing I am slowly coming to grips with is the fact that Sarah Palin just isn't going to go away. I kept hoping that she was just so stone cold fucking stupid that there was no way she could keep it up, but then at one point ETP pointed out how Bush had managed to become president (please save me the "but he stole the 2000 election!" shit; that is so said and done with) and I was like, "Yeah, fuck." It's been awhile since that point, however, but I am making progress.

I also grew very tired of posting one leftist "news" piece after another here on this 'blog because, well, it just got old. But this needs to go up because it's pretty damn funny.

The most disappointing thing about Palin, aside from her mind-numbing stupidity and peoples' ability to surpass her stupidity by listening to her in the first place? The more I see of her, the less physically attractive she is. It's not just because she's a retard and that's bringing it all down; men can separate out physical attractiveness from everything else and evaluate it independently. I swear she was actually hot at one point. She was always a dumbfuck but at least there was some kind of consolation, but now I'm like, damn, I think the only reason to want to fuck her is out of spite.

And so it goes.