Dirty birdie

Is there anything more corrupt than the Olympics? From IOC officials being bribed in city selection to judges being bribed in competition to athletes getting juiced up for medals, the games are fucking dirty. And not the good Onegai Twins kind of dirty, either.

Google search:

"seventeen"+"winger"+"disgusting"

Yeah, Winger is pretty awful, but still my heroes because of that song. This Google searcher, on the other hand, is not my hero. I'm sick and tired of dumbass searchers who put single words in quotes. That doesn't do anything, dipshit. I've said it before and I'll say it again: we've had the net in full-force for several years now. It's time to get a grasp of the basics.

I kept hearing this ad tonight for Napster. In it, some kid bemoans that "My girlfriend keeps saying that I'm too... Analog." And to that I say: Fuck you! Analog is where it's at!

Upon going to Napster's site, all I can think of is, man, what a sad state of affairs this is. Remember when Napster used to be about freedom and choice and being a rebel, and now it costs fuckin' money and shit?

Instead of going off on the whole P2P debate, I'm just going to be ultra-lazy and link an old post which I've re-linked before since it still pretty much sums up how I feel.

Well, I will add this: the recording industry's efforts have probably been decently successful. Naziistic tactics often are. Shit, I won't download music or movies off of P2P networks since I'm fucking paranoid, so they've got me beat. Of course, they didn't need to beat me since, like I said, I'm a weirdo fundamentalist. ETP knows where I'm at -- we both like having the "official" release with liner notes and shit since we're obsessive compulsives. But, of course, that's us.

Alright, so the DNC is pretty much over. I saw most of the "big" speeches, except for those on Monday night. That kinda pisses me off, since I would have liked to have seen Al Gore's speech. Al Gore is fucking funny, and I'm not being sarcastic. The guy's a comic's comic, which means that he's hilarious but people just don't get him. You don't need to know why Al Gore is funny, you just need to know that he's funny.

I expected the week's speeches to contain a bunch of empty rhetoric and future broken promises (should they get elected). You know, the stuff campaign speeches - whether from the Rs or the Ds - are made of. Some brief impressions of some of those speeches:

• Bill Clinton: We already know how I feel about Bill Jeff's speech. Man's got skills.
• Barak Obama: We've all heard the phrase "rising star" used to describe this guy so much that we'd kinda like a fucking star to fall on us to get it to stop. That's the media's fault for not being able to come up with anything new, because the tag is clearly not without merit. This guy's got some skills, too. He's articulate (unlike Bush), energetic (unlike Kerry), and passionate (unlike, well, damn near everyone). He had that line about how "There is no Liberal America, and a conservative America, there is the United States of America." Being a liberal, I of course hate America, but that line was fucking slick.
• Teresa Heinz Kerry: The woman is smart, the woman is rich, and the woman damn sure has her own agenda. And you know what? I like that. Such a stark contrast to that dumb bitch Laura Bush, perpetually living in her husband's shadow (and what a pathetic shadow to live in, I might add). I'm -- dare I say it -- rather turned on by Teresa Heinz Kerry. I know what you're saying: "Isn't she a bit old... Especially for you?" While I must admit that she's well past those formative years I'm so fond of, and while I have to say I'm not physically attracted to her (although the accent doesn't hurt), I can't help but go for a woman like that. Sure, docile and non-combative sounds like a good deal in theory, but there's no fun in that racket. Teresa's purpose was, ostensibly, to help us peer into the more personal side of John Kerry, which she really didn't do much of. That's okay -- I'm not expecting much of that at this point. I'm just happy knowing we'll have one, if not two, sets of balls in the White House should Kerry manage to pull this election off.
• Howard Dean: The Democrats need to wheel this guy out a little bit more, because the guy can still get a crowd going. Of course, they have to control his appearances, because we don't want people to think too much about the Scream Heard Round the World seeing as how anger and emotion are some kind of federal offenses nowadays.
• Ronald Reagan, Jr: Ron Reagan was there, of course, because of his name. Even if everyone knows it was a plant, his presence was still a good move on the part of the Ds. My favorite part about that was listening to Michael Reagan later bitching about Ron Jr.'s speech. All I could think during Michael's commentary was COUGH*bitteradoptedchild*COUGH. Oh, and Mike: I am so going to fuck your daughter.
• John Edwards: Every time I see this guy, the first thing out of my mouth is "Goddamn it that guy's good-looking." Seeing as how his oldest daughter is nothing to write home about and the Kerry daughters are, well, let's just leave that one alone, I think the one I'd most want to have sex with out of the two families is John Edwards. All bullshit aside, though, he does add some of the energy that Kerry's campaign desperately needs. His speech was, of course, full of lots of talk and promises and light on substance. Again, expected. Oh, and it included the one thing I hate more than anything, whether it's coming from the left or the right: promises to "destroy" the terrorists. That is nothing but bullshit macho posturing, and I wish everyone would just knock it off. Just say you're going to fight terrorism and then go out and do it, okay? I don't need promises that are pretty much impossible. Still, the speech Edwards gave was pretty good - nothing spectacular, but right about where it needed to be. And hey, have you heard that he was a trial lawyer?
• John Kerry: Much like the speech his running mate gave, it was heavy on promises and light on substance. For the billionth time, that's expected. You could tell he was nervous in the beginning, but he settled in and rode the speech out quite nicely. There was nothing particularly inspiring in the speech, nothing unexpected. Once again, it was what it needed to be. He covered a decent number of bases and got the crowd into it. He made a point to call out the Saudis, which I'm always up for. Also, his handling of religion, by quoting Lincoln who (apparently) said something to the effect of how we should not believe that we have God on our side but instead should hope that we're on the side of God, was pretty smooth. I don't know if the speech will help the Kerry cause at all, but it shouldn't hurt.

One obvious thing, though. Every single speaker? Orders of magnitude better than Bush and his rhetorical skills. Everyone on stage was way smarter and more qualified to be president, and that includes Edwards's two young children.

So yup, that's about it. Blah blah blah blah... Democrats. Speaking of Democrats, you're never going to see as many Democrats and leftists on Fox News as you saw over the past few days. One thing about Fox News is that they normally try to make it look as if they're "Fair & Balanced," whether it's DNC time or not. This, of course, is a full and total scam. Look, Fox, I don't care if you're right-wing, I honestly don't. As I pointed out in that last audio post, I've learned to have a damn good time with that fact. There's bias everywhere, and we just need to be smart enough to realize that and do what we can with it.

When you have people like Gerondo and Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly as your main voices, you're fucking right-wing. When you have Bill Kristol and Fred Barnes, editors of The Weekly Standard -- described as being a "must read" at the White House seeing as how it's their fucking script -- as two of the panelists for your DNC commentary, you're right-wing to the core. Just own up to it, okay? When I disagree with you, sure, I'm going to get pissed; that's what I do. But I don't get infuriated until you start trying to bullshit about who and what you are. If I wanted someone to lie to me, I'd just get myself a girlfriend.

Newt was on Hannity and Colmes one night. Colmes doesn't get his name scratched out this week, as he was actually showing some balls for a change, partly since he had some backup (much as I am more of a loudmouth when ETP is close by because I know he'll keep me from getting killed). Gingrich was pushing the idea that the DNC was a "makeover convention," a phrase coined by Republican National Committee chairman and former lobbyist extraordinaire Ed Gillespie. Newt contradicted himself, though, when he went off about how not diverse the DNC was, as opposed to how diverse the Republican convention is going to be. The diversity of the R convention being, naturally, a total sham. As Bill Maher pointed out when he was recently on Larry King, at least the Ds put people up there who represent who they are. Putting up people like Rudy Guilliani and Governor Arnold for the R convention is bullshit. Those guys, while Republicans, are much further left than the ticket that's going to be put on display at the RNC next month.

One thing that was pointed out was that the Democrats were definitely going with a positive convention motif and keeping the Bush bashing to a finite but limited quantity. Was it a mistake to play (relatively) nice instead of going on the offensive? Tough call. The Ds are in a bind. They need to be positive (supposedly; I think that mindless "positivity" is bullshit, but we all know how I am) but at the same time critical of Bush and where we're at. I think Kerry did a good job of tackling this issue in his speech, however briefly, when he said that it was cynical to think that America couldn't do better no matter where we find ourselves at right now. The tactic to run with was a toss-up in many ways, but I can't help but come away unsatisfied. The Ds are doing what they do best, being limp dicks about everything. But I can at least give them some credit since they are stuck with a shitty decision, although they did do quite a bit (or quite a little, depending on your perspective) to put themselves into that position.

All throughout the convention, and especially tonight, all I could think was "Kerry & Edwards, you guys have got to get this done." Yeah, I know, I complain about the Ds being perpetually flaccid, but that sadly seems better than a rock-hard administration that loves nothing more than fucking this country (and not to mention the rest of the world) up the ass. Much like the Ds with the direction to take their convention, Americans are left with a shitty predicament come this November. In the end, I'm less than enthused about a Kerry administration, but I'm fucking stoked compared to when I think about a second Bush term.

Yeah, I know, I've said that over and over again, even moreso than many other things here. But shit, that's all I've got. Besides, I'm trying to be pooooositiiiive. Man, fuck this bullshit.

Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown. More Ghostbusters figures on the NECA website.

MSN search:

fuck my tits

Present them.

New GYWO.

Oh, holy christ. Then there's the picture in this thread. Just scroll down a bit and you'll know what I'm talking about. The look on that guy's face is priceless.

Me Grimlock

Okay, so this here isn't really an adult link per se, but it will probably get you some strange looks at work. Or, depending on where you work, this may get some laughs. Anyway, found this on Galvin's messageboard. Depending on Grimlock's intentions, Prime is either about to feel really good or really bad.

Speaking of Galvin, looks like that ship has sailed. Almost. Bastard wouldn't even write the last post while in Japan, which is actually pretty appropriate. Hopefully that kid's narcissism will win over and he'll keep writing once he's back in the land of Arby's.

Yeah, good point for any of us (myself included) getting a little too excited over the possibility of not having gone after the "right" country, potentially helping give Team Bush the excuse and the support to start yet another war.

Of course, I don't know how the hell they could start another war - I doubt there's anyone out there who can deny that we're stretched thin. But, of course, TB might be willing to give it a try anyway. After all, none of them or any of their loved ones are going to get maimed or killed, and there's always the draft.

16th trimester be damned

I check the messageboard every once in awhile, expecting to find nothing new. Typically, I am not disappointed. For some reason, a couple of random posts showed up for the first time since fucking April. Both on the same day, no less. One post was the following nugget of wisdom:

Obviosly...

It's come to our attn taht tihs board is gei as fuk.

Please desist.

Thanks for that, chief. Hopefully the board will go back to being unused and unwanted once again, and hopefully this kid's mother finally makes good on her threats to have an abortion.

Hole

Yeah, it'll work.

"It's profound, it's deep."

Whatever.

... in an incident that led to separate felony charges of illegal possession of the prescription painkiller OxyContin.

Rush would be proud.

... where according to Rosenstein she was admitted for treatment of an unspecified gynecological problem.

And I hope it stays unspecified. No, I don't automatically go all "ewwwww" whenever gynecology is, ahem, on the table, but I most certainly do when it's Courtney Love. Shit, I think I'd rather hear about Jenna Jameson's gynecological problems and... I'm gonna stop talking about this.

Wow. I just saw Clinton's speech at the Democratic convention tonight. If you missed at (as I initially did), go out and find somewhere to watch it. C-SPAN currently has a link to a RealVideo copy of the speech, but I don't know how long it'll be up for. Direct link here in the event that they keep the file around.

Love Clinton or hate him, you'll find something in his speech that strikes a chord. All while watching it, I was like, fuck. This is pure political genius at work. Clinton has been relatively nice to Team Bush over the past few months, but at the DNC he just fucking unloads. Now I'm no Clinton worshipper, but I think we should build a Church of Clinton, where we all may go in order to worship the man.

If you know what I mean

Google search:

Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

That's probably the closest a Google search has ever gotten to being "deep," at least as far as those who come to Fe via Google is concerned. That proud moment is shattered, however, by this searcher:

man really fucking animals

The word "really" opens this search up to at least two different interpretations. This guy - and I'd be willing to place a decent wager that it was a male - is either sick of pictures of men only pretending to fuck animals, or he's tired of pictures of men gingerly fucking animals when what he wants is to see those animals REALLY get fucked.

I saw a couple of ads today for Trojan Warm Sensations condoms. They're described as a condom that "releases gentle, warm sensations for both partners" that's "activated by natural body moisture." I think the slogan for this new product should be "Trojan Warm Sensations condoms: for when your partner is literally a frigid bitch."

Trojan man is kind of an asshole, too. You're about to get some, and then like clockwork, "TROJAN MAAAAAAN!" I'd of course be all sarcastic and shit, saying "Trojan Man! Good to see you!" Look, I know Trojan Man is trying to be a nice guy, helping bring you a jimmy since you once again "forgot." But couldn't he show up ahead of time and hand the rubbers out instead of arriving at just the right moment to kill everyone's buzz?

Not like this is an issue for me or anything seeing as how much poontang I get, but still. I'm just trying to help everyone else out since I'm such a nice guy.

Yeah, you know what? Don't care. Like ETP and I were saying last night, it'll be nice for this movie to just come out with so we can all see it and just be done with the whole affair.

Now, I don't have any sort of intense personal bond with Star Wars like a lot of people out there. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I didn't see the movies as a little kid and become emotionally attached to them. I didn't collect the toys when I was little, so that should tell you everything right there. I've seen the original three movies, and they're okay. Decently entertaining, but that's about it.

So I'm not pissed in the way that many are over the prequels. No, I'm pissed just because they're shitty movies all in their own context. Phantom Menace was okay. Attack of the Clones was infuriatingly awful. That kid they got to play Anakin is the worst actor in the history of mankind. "Hi, I'm cardboard." Then there was the nonsense romance between Mr. Cardboard and, uh, what the fuck's her name? Oh yeah, Princess Leia.

I know what some of you are thinking - I'm mad about the romance storyline because I'm all hard-hearted and shit. Seeing as how many of my favorite anime series are bullshit romance comedies that I will actually cry over (yeah, I saidit), we all know that can't be the case. No, the thing that was so irritating about it (besides the worst actor ever) was how fucking contrived it was. The basic premise was that they're supposed to get together and fuck some day so that they can have Mark Hamill. As such, we should just accept that so that they can dispense with all that hard acting and writing stuff. Since, you know, it's real hard to pull of some kind of love story. They're going to hang out, talk a little bit, and magically be hopelessly in love with each other, just because they're supposed to.

That whole romance between Leia and the future James Earl Jones really showed how little Lucas cared about the fans of his creation. "Hi, I'm going to take a dump on you, and you're going to pay me money for it." Of course, since I'm not much of a fan of his creation, he wasn't taking a dump on me - at least not directly. Unfortunately, the wicked shit he took on his fans was so massive that a good deal of it got splattered on us bystanders.

Yes, I know, that's a horrible, disgusting metaphor, one of a coprophiliac nature that even I usually avoid. But Episode II was just that horrible. Like I said, I don't care about Star Wars in terms of some kind of mythic quality, but I do care about decent filmmaking. Not like I have really high standards or anything, but give me something. And yeah, I can feel sympathy for the fans, too - being a Star Trek fan I know all about watching the franchise get raped while you sit there helplessly watching the whole affair. I know all about a head honcho that doesn't give a shit about said franchise. But shit, even Rick Berman might show up at the unveiling of something big. Nice respect there, Lucasfuck.

All around, Star Wars has become bad times. The sooner it's over the better.