Friday, July 16, 2004

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one (Part II)

The current Slashdot poll is Most Important Quality in a Girlfriend. Personally, I went with "earning potential," but only because I just closed on a new home and I could really use a second income stream to help support my hobbies now that I'm going to be broke. Yes, it's all about me, me, me. Anyway, I found this response to the poll amusing:

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now, I am older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Preach on, brother Ted.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Even better than sex with Brooke Shields

Can you imagine what a badass you'd feel like if you won a bet with Stephen Hawking? "Hey, what'd you do today? ... Oh yeah? That's cool. I won a bet with Stephen Hawking. He was wrong and I was right." You can't fuck with that.
Don't fuck with daddy's little girl.
this is an audio post - click to play

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

You know, I expected to be way more pissed off at this particular moment in time than I currently am. I knew that there wasn't enough support for the anti-gay marriage amendment, but I always know there's a chance that we'll fuck something up. Still, I find myself waiting to see how Republicans turn this into a victory. And by "victory" I mean an actual victory, not just a moral one. Those Republicans are tricky motherfuckers. Although I've probably said everything I'm about to say ten times already in past posts, I'm going to do it (at least) one more time.

Before I get off on yet another rant here, a big thanks to Senator Wayne Allard, lead sponsor on the amendment. Thanks for helping solidify Colorado's status as one of the most ignorant fucking states in the union.

I'm going to once again re-new my statement that this is fucking embarrassing. Embarrassing that we find ourselves going through this, something which is an exercise in gay bashing -- nothing more and nothing less. I have not heard one argument backed up by anything more than mistaken belief which helps support the claims that gay marriage will destroy the institution of marriage or leave children on the streets. You homophobic pricks aren't really worried about marriage or children, are you? Are you that fucking stupid? Well, okay, you are. We already know that. Still, I think the true heart of the matter is that you're worried about homosexuals being on equal footing with you. Allowing gays to marry would be a public acknowledgement of a fact that many of us are already aware of: that gays are just normal people. It would hurt your tiny brain so much to admit that fact, wouldn't it?

Of course, even if gay marriage were finally allowed, that doesn't mean that people will embrace it or gays in general. That's fine; ignorance is a proud American tradition, something we all have a right to. Just so long as we're past this stupid childish bullshit where we're trying to write discrimination back into the constitution.

Making sure that homosexuals maintain a lower standing in our society is what this is all about. That's all this is; just modern day segregation. Dress it up however you want to, but it's all about heterosexuals getting to drink from the fountain of marriage, and homosexuals maybe getting to drink from the fountain of civil union.

Through this mess, the word "activist" has become just as dirty as "liberal," and I'm fucking sick and tired of both. Because you see, "activist" implies that someone is taking action, a concept wholly unfamiliar to our government unless if the money or power of those in charge is somehow threatened. If not for some activists in the past, we'd still be living in times where women couldn't vote and "nigger" would still be an acceptable term for whites to use.

Yes, it is just a handful of un-elected judges who are driving some (but not all) of this. But for fuck's sake, when no one else is doing anything to advance equal rights, someone has to step up to the goddamn plate.

It's time to grow up, America: they're here, they're queer, and there's no logical reason for it to be such a big deal to you, anyway. Take your "sanctity of marriage" argument, take your children, and, oh yes, take your Jesus, and shove them all up your ass from whence they came. You can put things in your (or someone else's) ass since sodomy -- consentual sodomy, of course -- is legal, after all.
Nothing fucked up about this.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Best new euphemism for erectile dysfunction, courtesy of JFR: "malfunctioning junk."
The Major League Baseball All-Star game is tonight. Undoubtedly, you fall into one of two camps:



"Yeah, no shit tonight is the All-Star game. No way I'd miss that. My wife was due to give birth to our first-born today, but I was like 'Nuh-uh. Either you have this baby another day or you have it without me.'"

Yeah, that, or, no one cares. I like baseball, but I can totally understand why so many people don't. Going to games can be fun, even if it's just the hapless Rockies who are never going to do anything. And don't get me started on trips to Mecca, AKA Wrigley Field. Otherwise, though, I don't watch a ton of baseball even though I'm a fan and a follower of the sport.

The All-Star game, though, is a special exercise in apathy. It might be fun to go to an All-Star Game and the surrounding festivities, or maybe not. Just like the NFL Pro-Bowl or any other all-star game, the game itself is completely meaningless. Oh, wait, the baseball All-Star Game isn't meaningless anymore, because "This time it counts!"

Yeah, that's my favorite thing about the All-Star game these past two years - the winner determines who gets home-field advantage in the World Series. It's all to make up for two years ago when people were pissed because they just ended up calling the All-Star game when things went into extra innings and they ran out of pitchers. I think their solution to the all-around lack of interest - both from the players and the fans - makes a lot of sense. Players who will have nothing to do with the Series helping determine its course, as opposed to, say, the teams who end up playing in the Series. Big shocker when no one, actual fans included, gives a shit about the game - All-Star or otherwise.
Nothing can defeat the Grimace.
this is an audio post - click to play

Monday, July 12, 2004

Well, if the child porn part of this is really is more than a "prank," it's good to see that the Catholic Church's healing process is coming along nicely.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

It's not a huge surprise since it's Ron Reagan Jr., but this is still funny.
weather channel tit fuck

I have clearly not been watching enough of the Weather Channel lately. Is that one chick, Sharon Resultan, who was decently hot but perpetually pregnant still on? There also used to be another one who was pretty cute, but I can't remember her name. She, unlike Sharon, wasn't always knocked up.