Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I don't NEEEEEED no instructions to know how to rock!

Okay, so I originally wasn't going to post this because it's not really funny, and also because the link it contained is already broken, but I need it to set up another joke. Plus I've been looking for an excuse to give a post the above title, so there 'ya go. Anyway, I saw on MSN yesterday an article on "10 things every single man needs." While I am not really much of a man, I was like, okay -- I'll bite. Let's see if their list is total bullshit or not.

1. A top-notch coffee/espresso maker

Okay, not a bad start. Although I'm not a huge coffee guy, I do like coffee and usually don't turn it down when offered. I've been thinking of getting one for like forever, but I just keep putting it off.

2. A lamp in your bedroom

Alright, I have one of these. Sure, I've had it since I was a kid, but at least it's not some kind of kid's lamp -- just a plain navy blue table lamp. My whole fucking bedroom needs a re-vamp, but I'm way too busy blowing money on my living room to be able to afford the $5K Restoration 'Spensive set that I want.

3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths

I'm all over that shit, too.

4. A comfortable couch

Ibid. My yuppie bullshit Pottery Barn square couch with the down blend cushions kicks the ass out of mere mortal couches. And so far one girl who's not BOETP or one of my other female friends from way back (but who I still can't have sex with) liked it, so as always, I know what I'm doing.

5. Nice underwear

Okay, so I agree that some decent underwear is a good thing. But they said that silk boxers are sleazy? FUCK THAT. I don't give a shit if they are; do you know how goddamn comfortable those are? It's like you don't even have them on, but you still don't get any of that unpleasant cock-on-zipper action that would happen if actually freeballing. I mean, seriously, they're so unintrusive that they need to be riding at least halfway up your ass before you even notice. You can't tell me that's not sexy.

6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, and open anything

Although I'm not really what you call much of a tool man, either, this too sounds reasonable.

7. $150+ jeans

Again, the list can go fuck itself. I will never, ever again wear fucking jeans. I let my girlfriend, and my mother, and everyone else I know convince me to get into wearing jeans again about ten years ago (yes, mostly my girlfriend). Yeah, mistake. There's clearly something wrong with me, because I cannot get comfortable in jeans. The fabric is just awful. Maybe I look OK in them; I don't care. It's lame-ass khakis for me until the end of time. If no woman alive can love a man without a pair of jeans, then to hell with it. I die alone. As if that wasn't happening anyway. Unless if they're Three-Legged jeans. Hey, not any dumber than acid wash.

8. $200+ dress shoes

I can get on board with this. I don't really think I need $200 shoes, but it's not like the majority of my purchasing decisions have ever been based on "need."

9. 300-thread-count cotton sheets

I do need new sheets to match my new comforter. No qualms with high thread-count; I just need to fucking remember to do this just like with the coffee maker.

10. The Joy of Cooking

Again, reasonable. I can cook, when I need to. Trouble is, I never need to -- there's nothing more depressing than cooking for one, which I typically am. But learning more shit, or at least having the tools to learn more, certainly couldn't hurt.

Okay, so the list was only 20% bullshit, and I'm only counting underwear because their comment on silk really was nonsense. And apparently, I'm well on my way with four things down, and since I won't do denim, I only need to pick up five things so that I can be alone in my house full of stuff that I quote/unquote need. All of this ignoring the fact that this may, in fact, not be an authoritative list of things that single men need. All I can see that we really need is porn and maybe a good lubricant, but maybe that's part of the reason I'm still single.

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