Friday, September 22, 2006

Please tell me I didn't just read this

It's been a very long time since I've linked a story from MDN's WaiWai pages. Longtime readers know that I became desensitized to much of Japan's fucked-upedness many moons ago, partly through repeated exposure, and partly through the personal adoption of certain issues. That whole Japanese schoolgirl thing has pretty much turned into my version of crack addiction.

I have various thoughts on Japan running through my head, and maybe I'll get to those at some point soon. Until then, there's this. I... I don't even know what to say about that, but I'll try.

"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex."

In the rest of the world, guys like us found a (non-ideal) solution to that quandary -- we call it masturbation. I never really thought about this, but now I wonder: do Japanese guys know how to beat off? I mean, it's wholly possible. This is a technologically advanced country, the second largest economy in the world, a nation that seems to be fond of adopting things from other cultures (particularly American, if you can call what we have "culture"). As yet, they can't get on board with simple things like orthodontics. So if they don't know how to pound the pud, I would not be surprised at this point.

"I've seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they're still virgins. I've also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous."

Abunai!* Yeah, that's so incredibly dangerous. Aside from the hits to ego or potential embarrassment, how is that dangerous? I was waiting for a story about someone getting seriously injured, and I was left hanging.

Japan's reigning air sex world champion is a fella who goes by the name of Cobra.

For the rest of the article, all I could think of was G.I. Joe. Coooooooo-braaaaaaa!!!! Coooooooo-braaaaaaa!!!!

You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you.

That goes without saying. If you think what women must be thinking, you're going to kill yourself.

Air sexpert Sugisaku agrees.

The fact that anybody alive can call themselves an "air sex expert" is just a sad referendum on everything. Wait, I just re-read that -- it says "air sexpert." Yeah, I know, this is all translated and shit, but still.

* Oh look at me, I'm so fucking clever busting out one of the three words I know in Japanese. And it's even romanized, because I'm fucking harsh like that.

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