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does jerking off make your dick bigger

Why can't people just fucking use logic? I mean, think about it. If jerking off made your dick bigger, every guy out there would be Tom Jones. There'd no longer be any more of what Carlin calls "Dick Fear." There's no need for any of this stupid bullshit, anyway. Having an unimpressive member isn't the end of the world. I should know.

The Archdiocese of Portland is filing for bankruptcy to stave off future pedophile priest cases against them. Pretty neat deal for them which, of course, they're doing for the sake of victims whose cases have already finished.

Yeah, suing and getting paid isn't what this is about, or at least it shouldn't be. And yeah, suing and getting some kind of compensation doesn't change anything or make anything better, but I think that if you get molested and have your life ruined like that, some kind of compensation is the least they can do for you. Furthermore, it hits the church where it counts - their wallets. Fuck them for letting this to go on, I dunno, forever.

"We have worked diligently to settle claims of clergy misconduct."

Misconduct. Passing notes in class or pulling out your dick on the merry-go-round are misconduct. This, on the other hand, is child molestation. Not just a bunch of in-poor-taste jokes about child molestation, mind you, but actual child molestation.

Man, I am all for suing the living shit out of the Church until it's bankrupt, except that it'd be nice if it didn't have to be done after thousands of kids had their lives fucked up after being molested. Can't we just sue the Church for, well, being the Church? You know, one of the biggest groups of cocksuckers ever? No pun intended on "cocksuckers." Okay, maybe a little.

I swear to fucking Christ, one of these days I'm going to put Jesus himself on trial for crimes against humanity. How many people have killed or been killed in his name? Yeah.

I can't wait to put God on the stand. I think it'll go a little something like this:

Prosecuting attorney (pointing to the defendant, Jesus): "God, is this man your son?"
God: "Nope."

Some random commentary from people who -- like myself -- don't know shit about shit. Some pretty laughable stuff - from both the left and the right. Some good to laugh with, some good to laugh at. It can pretty much be summed up as follows:

The right: Inexperienced!
The left: Charismatic!
Twisp: Insubstantial!

Yeah, we'll see. Lack of experience has been known to not hurt a candidate (Bush; and don't give me any of that yank-yank-squirt-squirt Texas governor bullshit), and charisma has been known to help (Clinton). In the end, I think that the guy who said "Now Kerry doesn't have to lose the election all alone" put it best.

Latest quote I found at the bottom of Slashdot's front page:

Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.

Yeah, that explans a lot. Also, someone remind me why I can't find myself a girlfriend.

Playboy is getting women who work at Home Depot to take it off. All I really have to say to that is, okay. Enron, Wal-Mart, Starbucks, and now the HD. It's gettin' kinda fucking old. The Wal-Mart one was funny for about six seconds when Playboy people were running around talking about how they were inviting the women of Wal-Mart to "rollback their clothes." It was also funny how it pissed Wal-Mart off, a response which I find unsurprising and utterly retarded. If a company I owned had a bunch of its employees posing for Playboy, I wouldn't be pissed. I'd be, like, "Fuck, we have women here who Playboy wants to get naked? Where the fuck have I been?" The answer being, of course, that I was in my office all the time avoiding contact with everyone.

I seem to remember that the Wal-Mart pictorial wasn't all that stellar once you got past the minor amusement factor. For some of them it was like, yeah, she's hot... For a Wal-Mart employee. That's not really saying a whole lot. Kinda on par with saying, yeah, she's smart... For a girl.

You see this kind of shit all the time, and it never gets any less disgusting. I can't imagine why the rest of the world hates us, what with people starving all over the planet and us stuffing ourselves with crap just because we can. And yes, I say "us" because this kind of shit is distinctly American despite the fact that the top two finishers were Japanese. The "winners" being a curiosity in and of themselves, though, seeing as how Japan isn't exactly known for being a nation of huge fatasses (unlike other places I could mention).

"I think he has proven, once again, that he is one of the finest athletes of any sport in the world."

I sincerely hope that this was a statement made in jest, but I wouldn't be surprised either way.

After a long weekend (for some of us, at least), I think we all need a dose of Krugman positivity.

Well, at least we finally have someone good-looking in the race. I'm sure glad that's over with. Let the slander of John Edwards begin. I've already heard the L-word (liberal) plenty of times, so it should be fun.

So after, I dunno, probably years and years of bullshitting - and, of course, constantly being berated by myself and others - BOETP has started up a 'blog of her own: Pretension Central. Based on the initial content, this 'blog should be good times. That intro alone makes me look pretty personable, and I suddenly feel as if I'm slacking somehow. I think Smoove B put it best when he simply said... Damn.

When I first heard about this, I was like, ETP and BOETP could clean up at this competition. But them I'm like, yeah, they'd win easily, but their beer prize would be nil since BOETP weighs approximately nothing. At least they'd have a new sauna, though.

The thing I hate most about the American political arena is that, in the end, everyone sucks. Everyone is owned by someone, everyone answers to someone else, everyone has someone else they back down to. Even John McCain. Look, I can understand why McCain might not join a ticket with John Kerry. McCain is, after all, still a Republican. A Republican with plenty of views that are in stark contrast to what one would consider D values.

But does John McCain really need to be kissing Bush's ass? If anyone has an excuse to hate Bush, it's McCain. Yeah, lots of people have lots of good reasons to hate Bush, but McCain is right up there. After all the shit Team Bush did to slander McCain in the 2000 primaries, McCain could pretty much tell Bush to fuck off whenever he asks for some kind of favor and everyone would be like "Yeah, that's about right."

Of course, McCain isn't going to go Dick Cheney on Bush, but still. Can't he at least politely bow out when someone suggests he go out and stump for Bush?

Okay, maybe I'm being a little hard on McCain here. After all, TB knows how to put fucking pressure on people. Maybe getting McCain to campaign for Bush is more of a credit to TB's powers of persuasion than a statement of McCain's pussitude. Even if he is a pussy when it comes to Bush, he's still much less of a pussy than everyone else when it comes to other stuff.

Speaking of McCain, Ted Rall had a good column a couple of weeks back as to just how stupid Democrats (and just people on the left in general, I'd say - myself included) have been with the excitement over getting McCain to run with Kerry. That's how bad it's gotten, though. The left is so fucking weak that we're actually looking to the other side for help. It always comes down to the fact that, yeah, McCain is definitely a Republican, but at least he's not Bush. And even if he backs down to Bush, he still has way more balls than, well, nearly anyone. Definitely more balls than anyone in the Democratic party. Okay, it's at least a contest when you bring Hillary into the picture, but that's about it.

ETP has a theory that dingos are sentient. Why sentient? Well, because, apparently, they are the only animal besides humans who sometimes kill just for fun. I buy it -- that's Spock-solid logic right there.

So it is (or was) Fourth of July weekend. Whoopee shit. The spoiled child has a birthday. We all know how much everyone likes being witness to that. I really didn't give a shit, though, but at least today's my day off, dooode!

I nearly got roped into watching a bullshit pretentious French film this weekend called Irreversible. It contains a nine-minute anal rape scene. Yeah, happy.

Fortunately, I was saved from this movie by another film, Sex is Zero. This movie was also total bullshit, but it was designed as such and turned out to be rather amusing. I'm not going to do any sort of in-depth review of either movie, however, since ETP has already done a much better review than I could have put together.

Oh, I will add this about Irreversible: hey, look, I don't know how to hold the camera properly! I'm cool French filmmaker guy!

As a side note, this once again brings to light why the Iraq war anti-French thing pisses me off. We already had plenty of reasons to hate and ridicule the French, and now I feel like I can't do any of that shit without looking like I'm just following the bullshit Freedom Fries bandwagon. Not that it'll stop me, but it still pisses me off. You already know I hate everyone, but it's all wasted if you don't know why I hate.

Oh, and I will add this to the discussion of Sex is Zero: the lead actress, Ha Ji-Won, is just unnecessarily hot. Yes, I've been out looking for pictures. The only decent gallery I've found has been on this site. A Google image search also turns up a handful of pics, but not a whole lot.

Damn, dude - now Saddam can go out and pick up chicks. Or, at very least, he can probably hang out with Barry Bostwick, who has a nice ass. Saddam also needs to put together his own workout tape. Or how about "Saddam's Gym" muscle-ts? The possibilities are endless.

This isn't exactly new, but just how much evil shit does the Bush administration have to try before people wise up and all that shit ends up backfiring?

Nice to see that Bill Cosby is done being a "pushover mom."

Hey, all throughout that CNN article, there's a word they keep censoring as 'n-----.' It's really bothering me because I don't know what the word is and I'm too dumb to figure it out.

God, I am so sick of this kind of stupid bullshit. As if somehow people are going to think CNN is racist for quoting someone who used the word 'nigger.' I mean, Jesus Christ, they're even quoting someone who's using it in a completely non-racist way. But, yeah. Some people (guilty white liberals) probably would call CNN racist if they just printed the word. Some would probably call me racist just for peeling away those dashes. Some people are really fucking stupid. Hey, maybe CNN is racist and I'm racist and we're all fucking racists, but if we are it's not just because we printed a word.

We, of course, do this with other words, typically swear words. It's really two different uses of the same technique - one because we're uptight fucking cunts, the other because we're somehow trying to pretend that by covering up racist words we can cover up racism itself. In the end, it's a symptom of the same disease - bullshitting ourselves. Does anyone see 'f---' or 'n-----' or whatever printed somewhere and not know what the underlying word is? Does anyone hear "f-dash-dash-dash" in their head as they read as opposed to "fuck"?

Oh, and don't EVEN give me any fucking crap about "the children."

Why we waste time with this nonsense is beyond me. Oh, well, except for the fact that Americans have a hard time dealing with reality, so we run from it whenever we can. Hey, escapism is one thing, but this is something completely different. Grow the fuck up.

Hmmm, I honestly didn't mean to get off on such a rant here. I just wanted to push the "Bill Cosby" inside joke when an opportunity arose. But while we're on the subject of racism, I think we need a racist term to describe humans. One all-encompassing word or phrase that degrades us all. I think that could do wonders to bring us all together. Personally, I'm a big fan of Megatron's use of "flesh creatures." But again, that's just me.

"White nigger."
- One of Chris Rock's suggestions for new racist names for white people

I'm not sure if most people would consider this to be a boost in Colin Powell's credibility or a further decline. Me, I give the guy some points for it. But, of course, that's me.

"Three years ago, a skit... prompted harsh words from his wife Alma."

Colin Powell could at least save some face by standing up to his wife every now and then. Look, I know that marriage is a give and take (namely, the man gives and the woman takes... in straight relationships, at least; I don't know if gay couples bother with this paradigm), but Jesus Christ.

"You need to slap her in the face and tell her 'That's enough of your shit!'"
- How Cartman says he would deal with women problems; and no I'm not suggesting that Colin Powell abuse his wife. Maybe she really is asking for it, just don't do it.

I... I didn't even know there was some kind of "community" centered around doing tricks with lighters. Like always, it's pretty hypocritical of me to criticise the hobbies of others, but...

"My oldest son who is 11 is currently considering whether he should focus on football, the guitar or lighter tricks."

I think you should push him towards the lighter tricks thing, because we all know there's no money in football or music. Yeah, it's not like this kid is going to grow up to be John Elway or BB King (THAT'S BB KING!!!!! LUCILLE!!!!!!), but still. At least there's some infinitesimally small yet still finite chance that he could make something of himself doing pretty much anything besides lighter tricks.

I just can't see how something like this could end badly.

Okay, people are literally, penultimately, going apeshit over that story about the teacher fucking her 14-year-old student. I have gotten so many goddamn Google hits thanks to that over the past couple of days. The main reason I'm getting so many hits, though, is because I'm pretty sure that the JFR take I posted (which I just copied from his website and fixed obvious spelling errors) misspelled the teacher's name. So there you have it; people love teachers and students knockin' boots, and people can't fucking spell.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney continues defecating from the mouth. He really oughta have that problem looked at.

And unless if you've somehow avoided all news today, you already know that Saddam was in "court" today, sportin' a new look.