The only thing I find irritating about this is knowing that people actually cared about it. "Hey look! I'm turning someone's lights on and off over the internet!" How bankrupt does your life have to be to... Ah, fuck it. Christmas: it brings out the stupid in all of us.

One of these days I'm going to invent a device that we're going to start implanting in (nearly) all people. The device will be designed to explode whenever it senses that they're doing something really stupid. And by "whenever it senses that they're doing something really stupid" I mean "randomly." C'mon, you know it's still going to have a pretty good hit rate in terms of the original design specs considering how retarded humanity is.

Hey, I hate to be redundant with my posting, but I'm going to make this two posts in a row about Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. Why? Because this guy is a fucking genius. There are a ton of strips I've come across in the archive that are just bloody fantastic, but this one is beyond everything.

If you'd like an introduction to Drunk and Bitter Jesus, check out this strip. Or for a continuation, go here. If you're wondering what the fuck "furries" are, just go do a Google search. No, it's not some kind of bestiality thing (as far as I can tell) or necessarily even sexual (although I'm sure it goes that way for some of them, the fucking freaks) (Hey, I'm always accepting of other peoples' interests as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, but fuck it. May as well go after anyone I can. I mean, it's not like some dipshit in a moose costume is going to do anything about it.).

Also, a belated thanks for the holiday wishes a couple of commenters sent my way that I was previously too lazy to respond to. Sarah and Angie are alright, but the rest of you are assholes.

Finally, if you're wondering about the propriety of using "alright," suck on this.

Hey, if you're into tentacle monster rape and 36-year-olds trapped in a child's body who only get hit on by pedophiles, then this comic is for you. Found this via Sexy Losers, which I've linked in the past and is full of crude sexual humor that's actually amusing (as opposed to, say, what you can find here).

As sick as I am of everything, at least Maureen Dowd is still better than everyone.

Holiday Cheer

Google search:

illegal underage fuck

Here's another class of search engine hits that I hate. No, not pedophiles -- I am sadly immune to that thanks to A) the sheer volume of them who stray here via search engines and B) who I am. No, I hate ones like this because they're redundant, and inefficiency like that pisses me off. Illegal underage fuck? Of course it's illegal, you fucking nimrod. That kinda goes with the whole "underage" thing. Pick your damn knuckles up off the carpet and put them back on your dick already.

Also, if anyone has figured out legal underage fuck, please let me know.

Oh, and in my absence, I hope you all went out and bought America (The Book) written by The Daily Show. And if you did buy it, I hope you read it. And if you did read it, I hope you read it again. Jesus, do I have to think of everything around here?

Because if you have to do it, it's, just... Life's not worth living.

I used to read BBspot pretty regularly, but as time went on I stopped keeping up as it got less and less funny (luckily Fe is immune to this fate). Back in the day, it had some really good stuff, like the Slashdot/Stile Project SiteBlender (scroll down a bit to get to the explanation and link to "Stiledot"). That was quite possibly the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. I was dying for I don't know how many minutes straight, with ETP and the future BOETP out in the living room of our Boulder apartment, probably having no clue as to what was going on (and not asking since we weren't exactly speaking at that point, but I digress).

Anyway, I do check BBspot every now and then, and there's always something amusing there, but it's just not like it used to be. I was disappointed to go there and find out that an almost regular feature, a comic called Fuzzy Logic, is no more. It didn't come as a real surprise since it started like three years ago and comics were few and far between (sometimes with months-long gaps between strips). I don't know if this was a planned conclusion or if the guy finally just said "fuck it" (and I'm not patient enough to go through the guy's news archives to find out), but it still sucks. Anyway, if you're looking for something that may or may not be fairly amusing to you, has a decent archive, and that you will not have to make a long-term running commitment to since it's done, I'd recommend checking it out (the beginning of the strip is at the bottom of the page I linked).

While we're at it, this here is one of my all-time favorite humor articles which I originally read at BBspot (although I'm pretty sure it actually belongs to the also-defunct SatireWire (also having an archive worth checking out)). Now that I've linked that and coupled it with this sentence, I'm free to make future jokes about what a world-renowned asshole Larry Ellison is for those unfamiliar with the prick without having to explain any jokes. Which, of course, I hate doing.

Bad people

To help get you up to speed since I've been quiet again, here's a rundown of some of the things that ETP, BOETP, and I have done over the past couple of weeks:

• Made fun of someone who committed suicide (trust me, you would have, too)
• Made fun of someone who has leukemia (Ibid)
• Keeping in mind, of course, that many of the jokes revolved around the suicide and the leukemia
• Masturbated a lot (I can really only speak for myself here, but I can guess on his part)
• ETP and I went out and, ah, oh yeah, I'm not talking about that for awhile
• The three of us started working on our law degrees by once again experimenting with scotch

As we all know, I had Thanksgiving week off, and I proceeded to completely waste that week. Why the fuck am I talking about Thanksgiving week nearly a month later? Well, I've got this piece of shit in my drafts folder, and I want it the hell out of there.

Anyway, there were at least a few hours that week, though, where I had a semi-legitimate excuse for not doing something classically productive, and that was when I was busy experimenting with new software. Yeah, that's how cool I am; other people experiment with drugs and kinky sex things, and I experiment with software. Then afterwards I go do all that experimenting purely in my mind online with lonely men twice my age pretending to be girls half my age.

Anyway, one thing I decided to give another spin was Firefox, the other web browser produced by the Mozilla people. If you read Slashdot, you'll undoubtedly remember the time of the release of Firefox 1.0 when we saw the front page turned into nothing but one huge Firefox propaganda machine. Goebbels would have been proud. But of course, all the attention was well deserved. You did know that Firefox is actually the single greatest boon to mankind we've ever seen, right?

Well, actually, it isn't. Now, if you've been using Internet Explorer for awhile as your primary web browser, Firefox probably is just about as good as a cure for cancer to you (assuming you have cancer, that is). Compared to Firefox, Internet Explorer is just fucking unusable.

Being someone who primarily uses Mozilla and Netscape versions based on Mozilla, I found Firefox to be an unusable piece of shit. I like the principle behind Firefox -- a lean, fast, feature-rich browser. The problem is, compared to Mozilla, it's too lean. There are a lot of little things in Mozilla that I'm just used to, things that I can't lose without feeling as if I've lost a limb. Well, maybe not a limb, but a finger or a toe.

The first thing is that on the tab bar in Firefox, there's no "new tab" button at the far left. Yes, you can still double-click the tab bar to get a new tab, so what's the big fuckin' deal, bitch? Well, it's just one of those things that once you get used to it, you're used to it, and you don't want to give it up unless you have to. Now, you can get the "new tab" button in Firefox if you go and download an extension. But I shouldn't have to go and download an extension for something so goddamn basic.

Another thing that was intolerable is the personal toolbar. In Mozilla, not only do you have a bunch of quick links on the PT, but there's also a drop-down menu for all of your bookmarks. Again, you can just go up to the "Bookmarks" menu and get the list right there, but if you're used to it on the PT... Well, you're used to it. Things just feel wrong if it's not where it's "supposed" to be, especially if it's something you use constantly. I also couldn't find an easy way to get this functionality back; the closest I could get was an icon that opened up a list of bookmarks in a sidebar. I FUCKING HATE SIDEBARS.

Also, the bookmarks menu wouldn't keep place of where I was last time I was perusing the list. I tend to have a long list of unsorted bookmarks, and typically I want to go to one that's at the bottom of the list. Having to scan down through all the bookmarks I simply refuse to organize is simply not acceptable.

Fonts looked like fucking shit in a lot of places. At first I thought I had a version that was running without anti-aliased fonts, but I don't think that's what it was. Fonts just looked either A) weird or B) shitty. When I download Mozilla tarballs and unpack them, everything magically looks just like I want it to. But if Mozilla is set up via RPM or I'm running Firefox, things just look like shit. So I'm tired of fucking with that.

Fonts and font control have always been a sore spot with me, anyway. It seems like ever since the first Netscape, modifying the font preferences never seems to do a fucking thing. God, I hate that. If it doesn't do anything, don't bother putting it in there. If I wanted a placebo I'd start getting involved in pharmaceutical test studies. But shit, even people getting sugarpill sometimes at least think the "medication" is doing something, as opposed to worthless fucking browser font controls which I know do precisely nothing.

I didn't care for Firefox's text-box completion shit, either. I find it useful in the URL bar, but that's about the only place. Auto-complete gets real agitating anytime I'm at a search engine or something, trying to type out what I need to, and a fucking pop-down menu with a bunch of irrelevant shit shows up. I couldn't see an easy way to turn this off, but I didn't look too hard (not that there are a lot of config settings in the preferences to begin with, though) since my toying around with that came towards the end of my little foray into Firefox land.

Having the Google (or whatever engine you prefer) search on the main toolbar is almost a useful thing, but it's so small that after typing more than one word you can't see what you had already typed before. I much prefer to just click Mozilla's "search" button and go to the engine front page. You can also type in Google searches on the URL bar, but it's obnoxious doing that because it just feels wrong putting anything but a URL up there.

Then there were just some plain infuriating operational bugs. I was able to import things like bookmarks and stored passwords just fine from Mozilla, but Firefox decided it was just going to keep losing all of my stored passwords. After that happened about a million times, I just blew Firefox away and went back to happily using Mozilla.

I played around with Firefox about a year ago when it was known as Phoenix (and these are only two of about 80 names that the browser project has had), and the results were pretty much the same. Firefox made too many compromises (most of the ones I'm pissed over are just little shit that they could have left alone) from regular ol' Mozilla, and I just can't handle it. Yeah, so much of my grudge with Firefox is based on the fact that I've been a Mozilla user for a long time, and, like I said, I am just way too used to it. So Firefox is pretty much screwed with me unless they get a couple of things fixed (or at least easily configurable). I'm not holding my breath, since I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I was saying a year ago. Mozilla versus Firefox: Mozilla wins.

The other thing I wasted a bunch of time on that week was fucking with Fedora Core 3, but my bitching session on that got way out of hand and I don't even think it was the least bit amusing. So maybe I'll bust that out around the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday since I clearly don't give a shit if my posts are amusing anymore (not entirely true).

So ChristXmas is upon is. I saw a sign a couple of weeks ago out in front of a church that said "Put a little Christ in your Christmas this year." And I was like, fuck that. I get enough Christ the other 364 days of the year; I don't need him fucking up my holidays, too.

Daniel Pearl's wife on line one

Hey, I'm really sorry about your daughter and all, but fuck you people. Hey, I'm the last one to defend Wal-Mart (just ask ETP when he wants to go look for a cheap copy of Shaft, which we're not going to do), but they did do their fucking job on this. What, it's their fault the girl lied when she purchased the gun? I know, I know -- they should have checked their own records. What do you expect, for someone to actually go the extra mile on something? Especially when they're getting minimum wage? Shit, I've known people making well over an average salary who spent time bitching "Hey, that's not part of my job," so good luck getting fuckers at Wal-Mart to do it. Bottom line is, if they don't have to do it, they won't.

Look, no one should ever have to suffer through something as awful as this, unless of course if they really, really deserve it. I'm pretty sure we've been over this before, but just because something awful has happened to you doesn't mean that you're automatically entitled to get paid. When I see stuff like this, I don't know if it's wrought out of greed or just wanting to try and have to keep from facing a harsh reality or both. Both of which are perfectly understandable, by the way, but that doesn't make it any less shitty.

This story here is representative of quite possibly our biggest talent nowadays in this country: turning a tragedy into an even bigger travesty.

Hey, Rick Berman, can you hear me? Or shall I turn it up?

While we're talking Trek, I was reading this the other day, and I became infuriated. This is a non-issue. It was settled in the Deep Space Nine episode "Trials and Tribbleations." In that episode, they digitally inserted DSN actors into the Classic Trek episode "The Trouble With Tribbles." For those who don't know and/or don't care, that Classic episode involved the Klingons, and one of the DSN characters was Worf, a "modern" Klingon. In the episode, someone (I think it was Chief O'Brien) asks Worf why the Klingons there look different from him. Worf simply responds in his characteristic tone by saying "We do not speak of it." And that's it! They resolve the issue by completely ignoring the issue! It was fucking brilliant, and Enterprise, in all it's non-brilliance, has to go and fuck with that. Those fucking pieces of shit.

Piewagons

Hey, are you an ugly, pizza-faced loser living in your parents' basement who's looking for an equally ugly, tub-of-shit train wreck to spend your life with? Then this site's for you!

Hey, I figured if I was going to bother 'blogging ever again, I may as well get back into things with something mildly vicious and completely hypocritical. That's right, we gotta bust out some geek-on-geek crime. Okay, well, it's not completely hypocritical since -- while I am a Trekkie and a fucking loser and blah blah blah -- I am still way fucking better than those people. And I say this (for once) with a completely straight face. And that's just sad.

So, where have I been? 'Cause I know everyone cares. Well, I've been mad. You don't wanna know why and I don't wanna talk about it. You might find out in a few months at which point I should have all this bullshit resolved, but rest assured, it's unimportant. The edge of your seat should be pretty warm right about now, so get to it.

It's sad, because shit like this now looks pretty well-adjusted when it comes to Japan. Well, at least to me it does. The sickest thing I've ever seen out of Japan was something akin to Realdoll, AKA the most expensive masturbation toy ever. Some of you will be familiar with Realdoll if you've either A) been paying fucking attention around here or B) have a bunch of money and enjoy masturbating.

Anyway, the sick thing about the product I saw advertised wasn't just that it was for (somewhat) life-like sex dummies, it's that one of them was 110 cm tall, and another was 130 cm tall. That's (unless if I've fucked up my math, which is possible) 3'6" and 4'3". Keeping in mind, of course, that they're designed to be human sized, making them, yup, little girls. Naturally, they come in school uniforms (whether or not they come in school uniforms is, uh, nevermind). I don't know how anatomically correct they are, although one can guess since the "older" models have the right junk if I'm reading the diagrams correctly (yes, it's been a long time, but I can recognize cavities and canals with the best of 'em). Oh, and I can read enough of that bullshit chicken scratch they call a language to know that the 110 cm and 130 cm models are part of the "Lolita series."

No, I am not planning on getting one, Lolita series or otherwise.

Look, I'm not trying to say that Japan has problems, but I'm saying that Japan is nothing but a bunch of fucking pedophiles. Not that I can't get on board with that. And I suppose molesting a replica of a child is better than molesting an actual child, unless of course if the child is really asking for it.

Alright, that's pretty much all the posting you're getting out of me for the time being. I'm way too fucking pissed off right now, pissed off enough that I don't even feel like talking about it for a bunch of people who don't care.

I just saw something on Blogger's sign-on page entitled "Learning Blogger." And I'm like, huh? How fucking hard it it to set up and write a 'blog? I can do it, and I'm damn near fucking retarded (yet I'm still smarter than a good number of people out there... a seemingly unresolved that paradox, until I realize just how goddamn dumb people are). When it comes to 'blogging, you click on some shit, type some other shit, and then put up a bunch of worthless crap that you think someone somewhere might care about even though no one does. But then once you look at the quality of most 'blogs out there, you do see that people need special help. Sure, there are a couple of people who can float, but for the most part the genre sucks. If they had me put together a how-to guide on 'blogging, it would be pretty short. Here's the by and large of my advice on 'blogging: don't.

Are we going to the zoo?

Google search:

"Why religion is stupid"

I of course want to be #1 for this one, but being #4 isn't horrid. If you do the same search on metacrawler, I'm #2. That's how someone originally got here, but I decided to try Google for the fuck of it and post that since, as we all know, Google is more authoritative because Google is god. Which brings kind of a religious aspect into it, which means that Google is stupid. Fuck Google.

Hey, just be glad I'm either not posting or simply posting (mostly) random meaningless crap, as opposed to droning on endlessly about Project 3-Series. Because, believe me, I could. Just ask ETP, and he'll tell you what a little bitch I am.

Better not tell BOETP.

Spam:

...Steve finally was ready and Stacy screamed like a loon as his cum rocketed into her cunt. See it all here...

I've gotta give this one credit for at least being the most, uh, colorful spam subject that I've seen in awhile. Also, I now know that my life will never be complete since I will never get to make a woman scream like a loon.

This should make us liberals happy.

I'm not sure if I can love Maureen Dowd more than I do right now.

Now let's all get drunk and play ping-pong!

I am so toally stoked for next year.

Google searches:

fuck+pork
pork fuck

These two search hits showed up in my referral log back-to-back. When I saw the first one, I was like "Who the hell gets so angry at pork that they have to go out and do a Google search over it?" But then I saw the second one and I was like "Ohhhh, I get it." The odd thing about these two searches, though (seeing as how pork fucking isn't considered "odd" around here) is that they came from two completely different IP addresses, but they were both from Italy. Now, maybe someone was just switching between proxy servers or something to make it harder for anyone to track their extra-curricular pork love desires, or maybe there were actually two people in Italy around the same time who were looking for (probably) the same thing. Is this related to some Italian holiday that I don't know about? Perhaps their answer to Thanksgiving here in the states? You know, we stuff a turkey, they stuff some pork? Sounds about right.

It's always weird seeing stuff like this. I mean, it just doesn't make sense for religious people to be holding hundreds-of-years-old grudges over a bunch of stupid bones. They're usually more rational than that.

John Paul has also apologized for sins committed by Catholics against other Christians.

Why has he had to do this? Didn't Jesus already die to absolve all of those people of their sins? It's all very confusing to me. Also, has the Pope ever apologized for sins committed by Catholics against non-Christians? Look, you guys have played a big part in making this whole world a shithole, but you did give us those neat Catholic school uniforms. Let's just call the whole thing a wash if in addition you'll agree to just leave everyone else the hell alone. Whaddya say?

In an "announcement" sure to disappoint all five of you, the level of posts will probably slow to a trickle if not drop off entirely over the past few days. Not like anyone will notice, since both the number and quality of posts have really declined in the past few weeks. On the quality front, that's pretty fucking sad for a site that started at a very low level of what would hardly be called quality.

Anyway, for all two of you who are curious, I'll be at home for the entire Thanksgiving holiday, so I will have no excuse (other than apathy and the aforementioned chronic masturbation) if I didn't update this 'blog. While I'm in town I'll have continual 'net access so that I can still read the dearth of comments, but I probably won't even post a nugget or two. But please, try not to kill yourself if I didn't post anything at all.

While we're working on a loose theme, I need to talk about the great Blondes, Brunettes, and Redheads disaster of 1997. That was the year that ETP and I turned 18. We had one friend, though, who turned 18 several months ahead of us. His birthday was in February, while ETP doesn't turn older until May and I don't get mine until June. So this was like a big deal, right? We finally have a friend who can go and just walk into a store and buy porn. Sure, we had the Internet, but that was still the days of slow-ass dialup. So yeah, big deal.

In the Denver area, we have a chain of stores called Newsland. I don't know if their empire expands beyond Denver, but whatever. Anyway, they have a fairly sizable section of skin rags (or at least, they used to). Once this friend of ours turned 18, we were immediately like "Dude, can you go buy us some porn?" Of course, back in that day, "porn" to us was still issues of Playboy and shit, as opposed to things involving a man, another man, a midget and a woman doing things to a donkey or a monkey fucking a coconut. But I'm getting away from our story.

So we go to Newsland, and I specifically ask this kid to check out Playboy's Newsstand Special (now known as Special Editions; you know, the ones chock-full of ultra-softcore pictures but mercifully few words) entitled, yup, you guessed it, Blondes, Brunettes, and Redheads. I even gave the kid CASH to take with him into Newsland.

Now, if you were anyone else, what would you think? That maybe I wanted you to buy this particular issue? No, of course you wouldn't. You'd go inside, check out the issue, then come back emptyhanded so that I have nothing to look at when I'm full-handed later on that evening. You know, looking back, I'll bet that pussy didn't even go into the porn section to look at things, because he was a dipshit about that kind of stuff.

I never forgave him for that, but that was the least of our issues as things really went downhill in terms of our relationship with him several years later on. One of these days I'll get to the story of how we ruined that kid's wedding.