Yahoo search:

fuck you for tracking me your a fucking asshole my life sucks enough with out your fucking with it

Holy crap. This is another instance where you may want to seek some professional (legal and/or mental health) help instead of telling a bloody search engine your problems.

Okay, look. I'm not completely insensitive to the undescribably awful situation you're dealing with. But your daughter didn't kill herself because of the internet. She killed herself because she obviously had some serious problems. If someone is screwed up enough in the head or just has enough things wrong in their life to kill themselves, they're going to do it, help or no help.

Suzanne Gonzales seemed to have everything going for her.

Clearly she didn't, and I'm not trying to be flippant here. It's this kind of childish mentality about mental health that allows shit like this to be so prevalent. Maybe if we spent some time taking this shit seriously, these numbers would start going down.

Suicide is now the third leading cause of death among young people, the CDC reports.

On the other hand, a lot of kids are really fucking stupid, and thinning the herd might not be such a bad idea. Look, I had to go smart-ass at some point, ok?

"That's not pro-choice," Mike Gonzales said of the site. "That's brainwashing. And they are not being held responsible."

Held responsible? For what? If someone is helping procure illegal items, that's one thing. But just talking about shit isn't a crime. All this scapegoating and making excuses can't be helping the healing process. I know, I know, trying to find explanations and place blame like this is part of the grieving process, but I'm just tired of this bullshit.

Pat Robertson: retard.

GTherapy

Google search:

i hate you dad for cheating

I'm sorry, but Google hits like this are hillarious. To me, there's just an amusing sadness to doing Google searches on your fucked up life. Kinda like the girl who wanted to kill her boyfriend. I don't know if these people are looking for answers, they just need to talk to someone. Since Google is trying to take over the world anyway, they oughta start up a mental health service.

Yahoo search:

balkan super fuck

I don't know why, but I think this needs to be made into something -- a videogame or whatever, but something.

Google search:

texas is like a retarded kid with too much self-esteem

That's funny. The fact that Texas is being made fun of is good enough, but I really like the notion of an over-confident retard.

Or maybe I could just forego the whole buying a wife thing (since there's nothing creepy about that anyway) if I'd just get out of the fucking house and show off the car. Even with that, though, there's the problem that I want the car to be able to do pretty much everything for me, and as capable as it is, it's not that capable.

I'm thinking more and more that a mail-order bride might be the way to go for me. I am retarded socially; this we know. But when it comes to buying shit? I am on it. I'm not going to be an abusive fuck-off like some of the stellar individuals mentioned in that article, but as anyone can tell, I'm still not going to be the greatest husband, either. At least I look good on paper, though. She can brag to everyone about being with an engineer that makes good money, the house, the Bimmer, blah blah blah. No one she knows ever has to have anything to do with me, since they're on the other side of the fucking world. Image is all that matters to women anyway, right?

I don't exactly have $16K to be blowing right now, though, so this too is gonna have to wait. But of course, about a year ago, the whole car thing was a "bullshit pipe dream," but since money was involved I was of course able to figure it out. So like I said, this is a solid idea. A co-worker was telling me that meeting women who don't speak much English is a good way to go if you're shy, so that fits in nicely with all this. Of course, one could tell me that I just need to meet some foreign girls in more traditional ways that don't involve spending a bunch of bloody money, but that'd involve socializing and that's definitely not for me.

Lego Death Star, anyone? Should go nice with the cool but also too expensive Star Destroyer.

Sets like those aside, Lego is in such a sorry fucking place right now. I was out looking for Legos this week -- for once not for me but for someone else -- and I didn't have a ton of time, so I was only able to hit one store. I know that Lego has been in a shit state for years, but I was like, there's always at least one decent set, right? So I should be able to find something. Well, there pretty much was just one decent set in the whole fucking store (one of the Harry Potter sets). Everything else I saw made me wanna vomit. Like what the fuck is that Dino Attack shit? I didn't give those sets a close look because I didn't want to know. And then there's the Holocaust that is the Knight's Tale series. Several years ago they discontinued the castle lineup, and I was pissed. Then, they brought it back under the Knight's Tale moniker, and I was pissed. They should have just left it dead. The same goes for the pirates stuff. Ten to 15 years ago, that shit was bad-ass. Now it's resurrected as part of their 4+ lineup, and it fucks ass.

Some of the entertainment property-based sets are cool. A lot of the Star Wars ones are good, and I don't even like Star Wars that much. Some of the Harry Potter ones look decent, even though I've never read one of the books (because I'm not a child, even though in some ways I look and act like a child) or seen the movies (which I hear are decent). That should tell you something right there: the only Legos I can really get into now are for shit that I don't even like. It's like Jews playing with Nazi Legos, only way less extreme.

Actually, fuck. How cool would that be? Holocaust Legos would go great with our already planned line of September 11th toys. As I've mentioned before, I will call my toy company Depraved Indifference Toys. Our slogan? Depraved Indifference Toys: Making a Killing off of People Making a Killing.

Okay, I'm getting off track, as per usual. Back to why Lego has become the Trent Reznor of the toy industry. Okay, that's not really a fair comparison; both used to be really cool but now mostly suck, but Trent was never that cool, nor did he inspire anything other than screaming. And, okay, "really cool" is a stretch, even back in the day for Trent. But yeah, inspiration. Lego seems to have none of that anymore. It's just a bunch of stupid crap with way too many pre-fabbed pieces. I knew something was fucked up when I saw huge boxes with a piece count of, like, 12. The reason being that more and more of every set was constructed out of pre-fabbed plastic pieces and not built out of bricks by the user. That's... Fucking bullshit. Once I first noticed it, I was like, it's over. Lego will never be what it used to be.

Don't even get me started on Bionicle.

Like I said, though, there's some stuff that's decent, or even really good. There is a ton of train stuff that I'd love to get, but a lot of it is just bloody expensive. I totally need the Shinkansen and The El. And a lot of the roll your own train stuff is cool, too.

Some of the City stuff is OK, but not anywhere near as cool as it used to be. Like the fire station? Weak. Fucking. Sauce. Some of the construction stuff might be fun, but I need to get a closer look at all of it.

For some reason, I never got into the Technic stuff, but I should have. I really need this for some reason. ETP and BOETP got me the Ferrari F1 Racer, and that's BA. The only thing that's not cool is that it's Ferrari, enemy of the rest of Formula 1, including BMW. So it's still cool, I just can't feel good about it.

So yeah, there's a couple 'a sets that can float, but for the most part, the genre sucks. Some stuff has potential, but for some reason, fucking up is just in Lego's blood now. Like I just saw that they have a Viking line (which the store says is "not available in this country") which could be cool if this was 15 years ago. For me, that's when it was on. All sorts of cool shit was out. There were fun, interesting sets that didn't have a bunch of lame crap or too many pre-fabbed pieces. Going back to the mid-80s or so there was also some hard-core shit, but I unfortunately don't have much from that era.

The best set I've got? Hands down, the Black Seas Barracuda. I've got some really good sets, but this one still easily rises about the rest. This motherfucker has cannons that actually fire. I'd imagine they stopped making the cannons that could really shoot after not too long for predictable reasons -- stupid kids. Oh, and the Barracuda is big. The only ship that came close was the Skull's Eye Schooner, which I don't have but have always wanted to get my hands on if I could find one sealed. It might have been bigger and had some cooler features, but I'm convinced that it wasn't as neat as the Barracuda because I don't have one.

I have no conclusion for this, other than it's never going to be good again.

I knew when I saw a headline about Hillary Düff on tech news site The Register that there had to be something funny behind it.

I meant to comment on this a couple of days ago and totally spaced it. But it's official: George Takei cannot get any cooler. I've always loved George Takei because, as I see it, he's the anti-Shatner. William Fucking Shatner is what he is -- he serves his purpose, and he can be quite entertaining, whether laughing with him or at him. But through and through, he's a fucking douchebag. The Shat would clearly be nothing without Star Trek, and he has a definite disdain for that. When he makes fun of the fans, it's not just in jest -- there's a streak of malice in it. Now, as we all know, Star Trek dork needs to be made fun of, but there's a right way and a wrong way to do it if you're Shatner. And you know, if you're going to reject what made you a star, for fuck's sake, just separate yourself from it. Don't start writing some pathetic novels where Kirk is still alive.

Takei is just the opposite. That guy knows that he wouldn't be where he is without Trek. I'm sure that bugs him from time to time, but as yet, he rolls with it. He accepts it, has fun with it, and lets the fans know he genuinely appreciates them. Back when they were still deciding on what the next series would be (which ultimately ended up being that piece of shit Enterprise), one idea that was floated was doing a Captain Sulu show set on board the Excelsior. I always hated the prequel idea, partly because it was going backwards when everything else had moved forward (at least chronologically... Voyager was a step backwards in many other ways). But I could have gotten on board with a Sulu show. Looking back, the writers probably would have fucked it up, though, but still. Get your shit together and give that man his own show. The guy was cool before, he's even cooler to me now, and he deserves it.

I say give 'em the chair. Not just these guys, I'm talking all frat guys. Quick quiz: what's the difference between a frat guy and a piece of shit? The bucket. Seriously, the kid who died was merely doing us all a favor.

I think this woman made the right move by committing suicide. If you can't even get attention from others after you're dead and dangling in front of traffic, then it really just isn't worth it.

Fuck -- I should have just kept my mouth shut. Even though this cunt wasn't what we'd call "good," at least if that had gone through we could have moved on to our next abomination in this country. But you've gotta hand it to our government -- even for them, the bullshit was palpable throughout this affair. From the White House's pleas of "she's qualified... really!" to all of the excuses for her withdrawing when everyone knows the reasons... Christ. They piled it on thicker than the makeup that woman puts on that repulsive mug of hers.

The image is in my head, so now you have to deal with it, too

Google search:

giving birth while fucking doggy style

You're welcome.

Google search:

Freeballing Christians

I think this would make a great name for something like a minor-league baseball team. It wouldn't be as cool as the Decatur Fist, but it'd be up there.

Okay, so I have to give the Pope credit for one thing: knowing what to drive.

MSN search:

can horses eat top ramen

There were about a million search hits I was going to comment on, but seeing as how this may be the dumbest fucking search hit I've ever gotten, none of the others seem worthy of commentary by comparison. I can't even imagine what would prompt someone to ask this, other than they're retarded.

One thing's for certain: if horses can and indeed do eat Top Ramen, then that is not what's responsible for those horse cocks of theirs. If Top Ramen led to a massive schlong, I would have a dick big enough for us all to stand on with all the ramen I consumed sophomore year of college. As we all know, that's not the case -- the ladies are probably better off with a ramen noodle than my junk.

Alright, so last week was a solid week for driving. First off, one night I got bored after work, so I headed out to this long, straight country road where there usually aren't many cars. Now, in a car like a BMW, a long stretch of road with no curves is fucking boring. But you can make up for some of that if, say, you're going 130 miles an hour. Okay, so that's clearly not smart, but I was pissed and needed something to get my mind off of work for a bit, and doing a buck thirty can help in that endeavor. That's still well off that car's top speed of 155 MPH (assuming I don't get a new chip that removes the top speed limiter), but we're getting there.

That was just a precursor to... The track. This past weekend, the local chapter of the BMW Car Club of America was holding a performance driving school down in my hometown of Pueblo. And yeah, that was bad-ass. The main focus, at least for us beginners, was just getting us to learn to work the track properly. Follwing "the line," apexing at the right time, proper braking, weight transfer, etc. Just taking all sorts of basics and puttig them together to work our way up to being able to drive fast and well. So that meant that things started out slowly, but by the end of the day, I was getting up some good speeds. Not 130 mile-an-hour speeds, but still pretty fast, and doing most of it where Bimmers excel -- in the turns.

If you've got a decent car, I'm telling you: get yourself some performance rubber (if you don't already have it) and hit the track. That's a solid way to spend a day. It's nice because your only concern is one that you normally have when you're driving like a shithead -- not fucking up your car. Otherwise, though, you can be as fast and aggressive as you want without the consequences or hazards of normal street driving, and that's neat.

Part of the driving school was classroom instruction, and that was worth it just for the horror stories we got to hear, like one incident that the instructor had recently seen. Someone was flying through a corner in their 911, and they ended up sliding off the track sideways into a wall. And they did it with such force that the engine was ejected from the car. In the words of Oak Express, that's not natural. But I'm sure they were able to fix that car up. Then there was the story about a guy who had gotten one of the first E36 M3s (the E36 3-series being the generation preceding mine), and while on the track he got off a bad shift, doing something like going into second when he meant to go into fourth -- a so-called "money shift." Needless to say, that was the end of that engine. The amusing part, though, was that since it was one of the first E36 M3 cars out there, BMW's engineers were very anxious to get their hands on the destroyed engine, so they cut the guy a deal on a new engine.

Luckily, I have no horror stories to tell from this outing. The worst I came away with was things that were expected -- like brake and tire tread wear. And speaking of the tires, yeah, those things are fucking great. They definitely saved me a time or two when I came into a turn a little too hot. There was one time that the instructor who was riding along with me was even impressed at how much grip they had. It's sad, though, because I'm going to have to swap tires here in a little over a week now that the cold weather is starting to set in. My snow tires, Pirelli SnowSport 240s, aren't too bad in terms of grip, but of course they're not the Bridgestone Potenzas I'm running on in warm weather. I don't wanna have to move anywhere at this point in time, but if I've actually sat there thinking that if I was ever compelled to move somewhere like the west coast or somewhere further south, it wouldn't be so bad because I could keep summer tires on year-round.

One of the best parts of the day was one where I wasn't even driving. After lunch, they had a session where the instructors drove us around the track in their cars, and I lucked out and got to ride in an E46 M3. Holy shit. The raw speed of that car combined with an experienced driver who could work the track well was quite a bit of fun. Well, okay, the first lap you're just kinda scared out of your mind even though you know that the driver knows what they're doing, and then after that it's just fun.

So yeah, that's my excitement for the time being. I would say that I pay way too much for that car, but it's so bloody entertaining that it's worth it to me. Hey, everyone's gotta have their hobbies. Some just make us bigger assholes than the rest.

Wow, I haven't posted shit lately. There are 11 posts currently on my front page. Remember when I could do 11 posts in a day? This is more on you than it is on me, though. You're not doing a good enough job of keeping me entertained, so I can't be bothered to post. Hey, motherfucker, I've got shit to do. Granted, here is my list of "shit" in no particular order: work, internet, drive. Although it's only three things, that's a pretty significant amount of time. I actually do work, and since it's been one shitstorm after another that only I can handle at work, that's just killing me. It wouldn't be so bad if not for that whole internet problem, but, you know. Well, you probably don't, and that's better for you. Driving I'll get to in a minute. Just to get caught up, here's some random shit I've been thinking of commenting on but haven't, so we'll just go lightning round on everything's ass.

This Supreme Court bullshit. Personally, I think it's pretty funny. I mean, once I strip away the fact that these shitheads are all going to fuck up our lives. But that's just a given with Team Bush in charge. Seriously, though, what is funnier than how pissed conservatives are over Harriet Miers? I have built my life on being a spoiled little brat, but I have never seen anyone who can push being spoiled as far as conservatives. They don't get exactly what they want, and they start pissing and moaning. "We don't know how she's gonna vote!" She's a fucking evangelical Christian. A Bush crony. Shit, she calls Bush the most brilliant man she's ever met. She's an idiot who clearly doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, so she's bound to vote the way that you want her to, you stupid shitheads. "She's unqualified!" Of course she's unqualified -- she's a Bush appointee! So yeah, it's not good, but I say just let her pass. Even with as bad of a choice as this is, I think we got off relatively light. Scalia isn't Chief Justice, and they didn't find Scalia Jr. to fill the other seat (even if she might end up just as bad). Oh, and if Ann Coulter is flaming pissed, fuck it. It's worth it just for that.

It's also funny to see TB floundering like it is these days. People are pissed about the war (way to get your ass to the table, America... It's only been a couple of years). Ratings are low. Half of the Republican party is a bunch of walking malcontents over the Miers nomination. The prosecutor that Bush fucking picked might indict Rove and/or Scooter Libby (any grown man who chooses to go by "Scooter" is already guilty of a capital crime in my book). Hurricane Katrina. I know it's not going to happen, and that they're gonna get out of and away with it all, but it'd be so much fun to watch them just fucking implode. Man, what great leaders. It's a shame we haven't had any recent chances to make changes in our so-called leadership. But that's on the Democrats for fielding someone who should have been on the practice squad and not the starting quarterback.

The World Series. Every fucking year, it gets worse as to who I want to see lose more. This year, Houston and the fucking Sox. I have to hate Houston for myriad reasons, chief among them the fact that they're Houston. Fuck Texas. And Roger Clemens. Also, being a Cubs fan, I have to hate everyone else in the NL Central anyway. But on the other hand, I don't want to see a championship come to Chicago if it's because of the fucking south-siders. How lame is that? Once the riots start, I hope they at least burn down the Sears Tower. The 'Cock for life.

I'm gonna break the driving shit into another post, because I all know how much you love it when I talk about my car.

Yay for more fucked up Google hits

Spam:

Picturesque young girls bang tough

That got me thinking: is there a porno out there called Bangin' Tough? If so, it's gotta star the New Kids on the Cock. And, wait, that doesn't sound good.

Well, now we have dolphins and camels down

So the American Society of Magazine Editors put together a list of what they felt were the 40 greatest magazine covers from the last 40 years. Some of them are interesting, and this is one of the greatest things ever put to print. From The Economist, no less.

"9 out of 10 men who try camels still prefer women."
- T-shirt

ETP can add a grammar discussion to the list of bullshit that needs to go down at my funeral should I die before him

When I first saw the link for this article, which simply read "Former 'SNL' comedian commits suicide," the first thing that popped into my mind was "Please let it be Jim Breuer." And since the world blows, it wasn't Jim Breuer, but someone I've never even heard of, or heard of and forgot about.

...according to the Internet Movie Database

Like I said. You know you're pretty famous when the article writer doesn't know who the fuck you are, and just trusts what IMDB has to say about you.

On a more serious note, seriously, who the fuck commits suicide by slashing their own throat? And, as the article stands right now (where it says "Ex-'SNL' player Charles Rocket a suicide"), is it proper grammer to refer to someone as "a suicide"? That doesn't sound right. I guess it sort of sounds right to say that someone was "a homicide," but it still seems off. Because, you know, these are the questions to be asked when someone has died.

Google search:

engineer fucks chick

Yeah, that should turn up a ton of solid results.

Here's the deal: if a bunch of stupid kids and their even stupider parents want to drop thousands -- or tens of thousands -- of dollars on fucking prom, let them. Now, I'm not defending excess, but being me, I am not condemning it, either. But to take a stand against it with a bunch of rich fucks? Yeah, that oughta do a lot.

... Laine said just before hopping into his jet-black Infiniti...

Like I said. And besides, what people do with their money is really up to them, even if it makes them fucking pricks for doing it.

Okay, thinking more about it, I'm a bit torn. I were in charge, I'd probably end up sending all these people to concentration camps. The fact that I'm bringing up Nazi-esque tactics shows why I'll never be in charge, of course, but that's beside the point for this discussion. Like I said, I can't do too much bitching about people blowing money on unnecessary shit, but c'mon. Anyone who takes prom too seriously is a fucking retard. So yeah, it's not the excess that bothers me, it's the stupid. And someone should take a stand, but it's really not the school's place to do so.

Maybe it's just because I do everything wrong, but I never saw the big deal with prom. I went to my senior one just so that I could say I went. I didn't have a girlfriend (shocking), and I didn't get laid (ibid) or go to any raging keggers, so maybe that's why it seems meaningless to me. But even if I had gone all-out, looking back, I don't see how it could have been as monumentally important as some people make it out to be. It's one of those things that's billed to be really huge but in reality isn't. Are there any adults out there who look back on prom as a watershed moment in their life? If so, you too can hop on board the train to Auschwitz.