If The Police, the second-best band of the 80s (you know who the best is) are thinking about hanging out again, then this is as good a time as any to re-set this Onion article.

The only objection I have to this movie is that the actress in question is Dakota Fanning, because that little girl is creepy. But yeah, god forbid we should even think about having a serious discussion about a topic that most would prefer to ignore.

Ted Baehr, chairman of the Christian Film and Television Commission and publisher of the Web site movieguide.org, claims "Hounddog" breaks federal child-pornography law.

Dude, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I know that you aren't, but you should be. We'll set aside for a moment that you almost certainly have not seen the scene under debate. No sense letting any facts get in the way of a good crusade. Man, what a waste of fucking time and energy while there's plenty of actual child abuse going on in the world that you give less than a shit about. Just to make sure we're on the same page: fictional sexual abuse that is shown briefly and apparently not even as graphic as everyone makes it out to be, bad; real sexual abuse that goes on for decades and is just swept under the rug, good. Nice morals as usual, Jesus fuck.

"It's not really happening," Fanning said of a [sic] rape. "It's a movie, and it's called acting. I'm not going through anything. Cody and Isabelle aren't going through anything, their characters are.

Pretty sad when some creepy kid has to bitch-slap everyone and point out what fucking retards they're being.

Look, I'm pretty stoked to see the Bears going to the Superbowl, but this is just ridiculous. I'm guessing it's not like there was any big risk inducing childbirth a couple days early, but this still isn't right.

If football -- yes, even Chicago football -- takes precedence over childbirthing, you people probably shouldn't be parents. Yes, I'm sure those tickets were not cheap, and being at that game was something very rare and special, but c'mon, people. Even I think you've got your priorities all fucked up.

Alright, here's another one for the idiot pedophile file pedo-file. There are so many things wrong with this group of M-Winners* that it's not, no wait, actually it is pretty funny, assuming we can ignore the fact that they might have actually molested some real kids.

I mean, seriously, I know that guys can be pretty optimistic when it comes to sex and relationships, but being able to convince themselves that that 29-year-old guy was fucking twelve? Come on. I'm guessing he's not particularly tall, but looking at his face anyone who's not a total fucking stem can tell he isn't 12.

But of course, these geniuses actually tried to enroll the "12-year-old boy" they were "molesting" in school, and no one could have ever predicted that backfiring.

Stiffler and Robert James Snow, 43, "were very upset when the detectives told them they had been having a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old man and not a pre-teen boy," Quayle said.

Yeah, I hate it when that happens. Once you find out your supposed pre-teen lover is actually pushing 30 it really takes the edge off and it's just no fun anymore. And how great is it that one of the guys involved is named Stiffler?

*Mussolini was a winner.

There is so much ignorant shit in this that I just can't motivate myself to wade in at this point. But really, none of it is anything new, nothing we haven't had to suffer through before. So, we'll just summarize: Bush, you are a stupid, arrogant asshole. Your brilliant plan to send more troops should fix everything right up over there.

And the notion that the Iraqis should be thanking us for this mess? One that they never asked us for to begin with? That would be a pretty stunning statement if we weren't accustomed to this kind of garbage. Just when you think people can't hate us anymore, we're reminded that there's plenty more in Bush's back of tricks that he can pull out to insult and condescend.

Another thing I will make special note of:

Bush, who has said he does not use e-mail, said he watched the video on the Internet, but turned away before the ousted dictator fell through the trap door of the gallows.

Give me a break. Who exactly are you again? What execution-happy state did you used to be governor of? You know Bush watched that whole video and he loved it. Lying piece of shit.

If you are any sort of RPG fan (and I don't mean rocket-propelled grenades), then you need to check this out if you haven't seen it already. It is just simply brilliant. There are three more episodes besides that one, although 2-4 kinda disappoint after that first one.

I read this story a couple days ago, and I was like, yeah, that's one of the more messed up things I've read in awhile. I was thinking, damn, I make jokes about genetically engineering girls' height to keep them short, but I have problems and here's someone actually doing it, only after the fact.

And of course, I was about to write a post full of all kinds of half-assed, poorly thought out, and completely unqualified opinions about it. I gave up on that route after reading an excerpt from the parents' blog explaining things, and I was like, forget it. Virtually none of us really do have any clue as to what it would be like to have to go through that and make those kinds of decisions. Doesn't make it all right or wrong; this one is about as gray as it gets.

Being me, though, there are still a couple of things that really piss me off that I will comment on. One is the fact that the parents have a fucking blog despite saying they want to remain anonymous. Someone will figure how who they are pretty quickly if they haven't already. Sure, we could come up with several possible reasons, good and bad, why they're blogging anyway, but the inconsistency is irritating. And then there's this:

In a related conversation with Ashley's doctor, Ashley's mom came upon the idea of accelerating her already precocious puberty to minimise her adult height and weight.

Okay, look, the field of medicine really is all guesswork in a white coat, but this still irks the hell out of me to have parents coming up with medical treatments and doctors letting parents tell them what to do. Sure, they put it before a panel of, like, a billion doctors, but on principle it just doesn't sit right with me. It's like when Bill Maher was commenting on all those drug commercials which urge people to "tell your doctor" about pharmaceutical X: "At that point isn't he just... A dealer?"

I keep hearing about this, and I'm sick and tired of it. Who cares what apocryphal tome a guy uses when he's entering a hallowed hall of lies, money, and bullshit? The only way you would care is if you're -- that's right -- a total fucking dumbass. And besides, wouldn't it be more dishonest and weird for him to be sworn in with a book he doesn't even believe in? And how exactly does putting your hand on a book do anything anyway? Can't we all just pray or something and move on?

Last month, Virginia Republican Rep. Virgil Goode warned that unless immigration is tightened, "many more Muslims" will be elected and follow Ellison's lead.

Nice. You said it so hard, Virge.

Finally, a little note to Western media outlets: please pick a fucking spelling for the Koran/Quran and stick with it, would 'ya please? The same goes for Osama/Usama, al-Qaeda/al-Qaida, and whatever else. I don't care what romanization you go with, just stop switching things up because it's annoying. And figure out how to pronounce "Qatar" while you're at it.

Alright, so I just gave up on the sailor schoolgirl site. I finally got tired of randomly discovering that Angelfire had nuked not one but two of the indexes, so fuck it. I'm not gonna get un-lazy anytime soon and create two new accounts and re-upload everything. I haven't totally given up on the concept because that's a site that just needs to be out there, but I really need to hook myself up with some real webhosting if I'm gonna keep going at that. And since I've talked of getting going with real webhosting for, I dunno, 3+ years, I'm sure it will happen soon.

It was a good run. For awhile there I was averaging tens of thousands of hits a month, and then there was the day I got 127,000 hits from fuck knows where. It's been well over a year, though, since I was getting good traffic like that, so keeping it up wasn't very motivating anyway. And like I've said, I do feel like I'm providing a necessary service, but in the end I'm not all that interested in helping other guys get off. Although I guess you wouldn't know it considering my chat room time which is, of course, talking to nothing but a bunch of guys pretending to be girls. Man, I am so good at life it's not even funny. Why are we walking like this? Fuck, time to see if I can get a couple more hours of sleep before work, because this is really starting to get away from me.

God damn it, how fucking stupid do you have to be to actually think that prayer can take down shit like cancer. I know that's not an original thought here, but it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm not gonna be getting back to sleep, so may as well keep taking potshots at Christians.

New year, same homophobic shit. That article is a quickie but worth it just for the guy holding the "START ACTING LIKE CHRISTIANS" sign. We could really use a huge one of those hanging over the entire country right about now.

Shit yeah, bitches -- just one more day before our country becomes a million times better. Obviously not, but it is still gonna be totally worth it just to see Bush not have it easy for, like, the first time in his life.

I love this notion of trying to sell Saddam's execution as being more about justice than about retribution. Capital punishment is all about retribution. Being me, I'm OK with that. But c'mon, just call it what it is. Trying to say it's something that it's not is a waste of time because every knows better, or at least they think they do and that's all that's really gonna matter.

U.S. officials reportedly tried to delay last week's execution of Hussein, fearing it would fuel perceptions the death of the former Iraqi dictator was more about Shiite retribution and less about justice.

How exactly was that going to help anything? Better to just get it over with so that people can get pissed and get on with the shit causing, since they were gonna do that anyway regardless of what happened or when it happened.

It's so sad that we are the most technologically advanced civilization in history and we have dumbasses like Pat Robertson running around who people will actually listen to. That article is a nice summary of recent stupid shit we've gotten from the man though, which is nice.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Yeah, just unfathomable stupidity.

Nevermind the fact that it's just plain disgusting

This kind of shit needs to be stopped. What's the point in having kids when there's a decent chance you'll be dead before they even get out of high school? I'm pretty solid when it comes to being selfish and thinking only of myself, but even I can't compete with assholes like this.

Don't breathe this

The internet has given us a lot of pointless yet highly amusing shit to waste our lives with, and this is something else to add to that pile. Hit the link to the video and check out the Barbies along with some of the other "don't try this at home" vids. If those are real then that shit's harsh, and if those don't cause you to fear and respect the Blendtec blender, I don't know what will.

Cheerleaders are just dancers who have gone retarded

And now for your viewing enjoyment I present a slideshow* of a high-school cheerleader getting hit on the head with a basketball. Unfortunately, no, you can't discern if any of them are hot, but you do get the added surrealness of seeing it happen in slow-mo as you click through the slides.

Since I brought it up in the title, if you haven't seen Bring it on and you've got nothing better to do, go for it. It's not what one would call stellar filmmaking, but it's better than you might expect.

EDIT: I am an unobservant retard and did not see the link to a video just below the sideshow. Of course I can't watch the video anyway since I insist on using an OS where shit doesn't work, but apparently there is some amusement value in that associated video.

Take it all

I'm pretty sure that every time I release a set of searches into the wild I have to qualify it with some sort of complaint about how the searches just aren't good anymore. But I have seriously been checking my logs for the past couple months and there has been all but jack shit in there that amused me. I have tried to set the bar at a minimum of ten new items from searches and spam before I post these but it's just not happening so I'm gonna let this one blow prematurely.

Spam:

Your sexual life will be an example for others.

It already is, asshole.

naked pics of jake plummer

Dude, if he's got the hobo beard going, it's gonna be like one of those fuckin' "evolution of man" posters.

as a muslim is it wrong to mastubate

Not if you do it facing Mecca. Nah, not true. I think it's wrong to do anything fun if you're Muslim. The same goes if you're sufficiently devout in any other of those ridiculous religions.

how to stay in love with a man with pointy balls

I don't know what's weirder about this one -- the thought of balls being pointy or the notion of said balls being a reason to not stay in love with someone.

prayer for teenage girls dealing with hormones

I just... I just dunno what to say about this one. I mean, it's teenage girls, and hormones, and I wanna make like a million jokes and inappropriate comments, but this is so fucking stupid that it just has to be left alone.

Nancy Pelosi tits boobs

I know, you didn't need that image, but I've been getting a ton of hits like this so now you get to suffer too. Why are so many of you fuckers searching for this? Isn't she like 66 years old? STOP THAT. Yeah, I know, I'm just gonna get like a billion more hits on this now, but I am fed up and needed to vent.

does killing someone for coveting my wife send me to hell

That is a very good question. I'd have to say that the penalties offset -- you just replay the down.

The Sailor Schoolgirl site is sportin' a couple of updates for those with issues like mine.

Both arms?

I don't think I'd really worry too much. Women are still gonna want their sparkly things. And that's fine, that's not a crackback, we've all got our addictions.

Okay, maybe things are more fucked up when it comes to the diamond trade as opposed to other things. But c'mon. I get so tired of people picking and choosing the things they wanna be principled about. Christ only knows all of the atrocities that go down to bring us many of the other products that we all love. You know, then there's the fact that a lot of us live pretty good lives but collectively we don't give too much of a fuck about the rest of the world. If you want to be principled about diamonds, that's cool -- but you'd better not stop there if you're gonna get on your high horse about it.

Sex offenders have officially run out of excuses.

Defense attorney Richard Yetter said his client was not articulate and may not have been doing a good job of conveying his rationale to the judge.

You're always in pretty solid shape when your lawyer has to step in and basically say "You'll have to excuse my client, your honor... He's an idiot." Great defense you had going there, chief.

Despite being what most would term "an asshole," I'm paradoxically all about cute things. And you know, up to a point, I'm OK with things like PDA (and no, not Palm Pilots). But seriously, the line has gotta be drawn somewhere, and this goes well beyond that line.

Wow, I dunno if I've ever gone this long without making a post. And if I have, it's been awhile. Sorry, world, I'm not dead yet. I do realize that I'm going to die someday, but I am still my fucking khakis.

So let's get things rolling by talking about someone else who we'd all forgotten about, Michael Richards. First off, when his name first showed up in the headlines, I was like many people -- "Who?" Sad that his name was meaningless at the outset considering that he played one of the most iconic characters in TV history.

You know what, though? I think it's fantastic when racist assholes spew their garbage. The more they do it, the better, I say. Well, within limits of course -- as long as it's not inciting killings or riots and shit. But within those limits I'm down because then we know exactly who the racist dipshits are. It's just much more honest. We know who they are and we know where they're at.

Like with anything there's a flipside, and I of course end up annoyed when someone does this because we know that we're now on the express train to Insincerity Junction. Whenever someone gets off a blast like this, there is the inevitable stream of bullshit apologies that follows. Apologies that they don't mean and are only saying as part of the normal damage control routine. Obnoxiously, it always has to go beyond the perpetrator:

"This is one thing we don't tolerate. ... I personally apologize. I apologize from my heart," Masada said Monday.

Why are you apologizing, lady? You didn't do anything. Well, other than let him back on stage after saying you don't tolerate that. But with regards to apologizing for the words of someone else, which they controlled and you didn't -- insincere, ineffective nonsense.

"Freedom of speech has its limitations and I think Michael Richards found those limitations."

Clear and present danger just called, and it's telling you you're an idiot. Michael Richards isn't going to jail over this. He was still well within First Amendment bounds, you stem.

Another thing I found offensive:

Richards retorts: "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass."

Okay, two things, the first being the fact that I have to de-censor CNN. Second, if you can step aside from the racism for a minute, that joke isn't even funny. Shit, it really doesn't even make sense. If you are going to make racist jokes at least make sure they're funny. And yes, you know that racist jokes can be funny, you fucking Chuwero. Every last one of us has made and laughed at racist jokes. No, we're not cool for it, but it happens.

"I think it's a career ruiner for him. ... It's going to be a long road back for him, if at all."

I really don't know why people even bother saying shit like this.

Then, there is the other side, which manages to piss me off too:

The protesters also demanded an apology from the Laugh Factory.

What a bunch of whiny crybabies. You have nothing better to do than protest against this nonsense? And what is an apology from the comedy club going to do? It does about as much as praying.

Look, I'm not trying to trivialize this. But there's always a loss of perspective on the bigger picture when it comes to these things. Although he's certainly guilty of overreaction at times as well, Al Sharpton put it well:

"Last Monday I was on the stage in Washington where they broke the ground for the Martin Luther King monument. It showed us how far we have come. Then by the end of the week, his tirade shows us how far we still have to go."

Yes, exactly. Although we are a long ways away from minorities being upside down with forks in their asses, things are still not exactly great. There's still plenty of racism, sexism, homophobia, what have you, floating around out there to show that we're not as enlightened as we'd like to be.

What I really wish people would do when someone goes Michael Richards or Mel Gibson is just ignore them. Okay, maybe give them a punch in the nuts (or somewhere else if nuts are not available on the asshole in question), call them a fuck-off, and then just ignore them. All the protesting and bickering and apologizing doesn't do anything at all to change the situation. The racist asshole will still be a racist asshole, but at least they're up front about it, so we can just stay away if we so desire.

In closing, a quote from Carlin on racist speech and the use of the word "nigger":

"We don't mind when Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy uses it. Why? Because we know they're not racists. They're Niggers!"

That whole bit of Carlin's is pretty solid because it points out how the words -- just the words themselves -- are pretty benign, because words don't do actually do anything. No, it's the actions (yes Meatwad, with actions!) of racist assholes that really matter. If they just wanna talk, though, let them talk. We don't have to listen.

Ha ha ha, you stupid fuckers. Just to see the Republicans and the right moping around and making excuses and just generally being losers is hilarious. How does it feel, dooshe?

"Bush wants to go back to the Texas model. He's always reached out. He's been trying over the last couple of years with limited success," Snow said.

I think you mean "He's been trying over the last couple of years with limited trying." He hasn't tried because he hasn't had to. I know it, you know it, hell, dogs know it. This is just so funny that they have to try and pretend like it's all OK and shit. I can't wait to hear the slew of Republican leaders talking about how they are "looking forward" to working with the new congress. You know politicians are really dreading something when they talk up how they're looking forward to it.

And how about Santorum? San fucking torum. If nothing else yesterday was worth it to see him go down in flames. Katherine Harris too, that fucking bitch. I know, it's not like they're gonna go away entirely, but it's pretty solid progress.

So, the country's gonna be all better now, right? Well, not really. Let us not forget that the Democrats are a bunch of do-nothing dumbasses. This election was theirs to lose, and I'm still amazed that they didn't totally fuck it up. But at least now we might have a little bit of balance. We might have the semblance of some debate while most Americans are still getting fucked in the ass. If nothing else, we've got ourselves a change of scenery.

Of course, the shit isn't over. It's now a pre-req in this country that every election have something be really close so that we get a bunch of shit about recounts and fraud and lawsuits and blah blah blah. This time it looks as if we get it 2x with Virginia and Montana. Yay.

Somebody explain to me how "Macaca" manages to survive to the point where he's still got a 50/50 shot at keeping his job. I'm just asking.

I'm hoping this Senate shit gets sorted out soon, but it won't. Either way, let's hope it swings the D way so that the government will maybe just get locked up for the next couple years as Bush and the Democrats fight it out. Hey, no movement is better than going completely fucking backwards like we've been doing under Bush. And Bush has gotta be shitting himself over the notion of no longer having a rubber-stamp congress backing him, which is as funny as it is a relief. Maybe a few more Republicans will even grow balls and not kiss Bush's ass because they don't have to. I know, I know, probably not gonna happen. I'm such an optimist that I just can't help it sometimes.

Actually, the big reason I want the Senate not under Republican control is because of judicial nominees. Let's not forget that Team Bush has done a decent job of working things towards the right with that branch of government, and once people are in place there it's not as simple as an election every few years to get some changes going.

Being me, I've gotta find some more things to complain about. I do find myself kinda pissed that Democrats and liberals all over the country are gonna be gloating today. I'm just, like, don't get too excited. Like I said, this was your election to lose. You had every reason to pull this out, and if you didn't, wow, you suck. It's like an abusive parent that finally starts taking care of their kids. Sure, you deserve some credit for getting things right, but it shouldn't have taken this long. What do you want, a cookie? On top of that, don't forget that you've got a lot of work and a long road ahead of you.

Oh, and of course, it's not all good news. A bunch of states passed measures banning gay marriage, which is ridiculous even if not unexpected. We are enlightened so hard.

Alright, so that's it. New shit, different day. I leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes from Lewis Black, who came up with the most brilliant and succinct way of explaining politics in this country:

"You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas."

Alright, so it doesn't take a genius to see that the whole cosmetic surgery thing is out of control. You only need to know some of the basics of Botox to realize that this society has lost it's fucking mind. And while the following doesn't surprise me in the end, I was momentarily taken aback by it at first:

Women have toes shortened to fit into stilettoes.

This is a bad idea in so many ways. I mean, aside from the obvious. The foot fetishist in me is definitely appalled by this. You could very well be ruining a very nice set of toes for this nonsense. Then there's the fact that I don't particularly care for the look of those really pointy shoes anyway. In the words of Oak Express, that's not natural. Shoes with a more rounded toe are much cuter in my opinion.

I guess the operation would be pretty efficient, though. I can see this getting done in a few seconds with one good swipe of a meat cleaver.

But yeah, all this artificial beauty nonsense has got to stop. And when I'm in charge, it will. Of course, what ensues in this post will help ensure that I'm never in charge, because it's going to piss off pretty much everyone on both sides. And it, again, helps point out that I am really messed up in the head.

When I'm in charge, the first thing I'm banning is eye makeup. I've been over this before -- I simply cannot stand all that eyeshadow and eyeliner nonsense. Eyeshadow is just goofy. And eyeliner? Yeah, let's take a potentially nice feature and draw a bunch of dark fucking circles around them. Great idea. Just to show I'm a compromiser, though, I'll allow mascara to stay, so long as you learn to apply it properly.

Makeup in general just pisses me off. What are you, a person, or a fucking clown? I realize some people need makeup to look decent, but in the end, c'mon, who are you fooling? It's all about steady state -- you start the day ugly, you end the day ugly. Why not be consistent and look ugly in between. Many of us live just fine like that.

It also doesn't take a genius to see that I would ban breast implants pretty fuckin' quick. There is no goddamn need for that shit, I don't care how "small" your tits are. Of course, I'm biased towards smaller, but if you think I'm stopping with banning breast implants, hold on. I think I'm also going to make it so that we start genetically engineering all girls so that their breasts can never grow beyond a certain size, I'm thinking, hmmmmm, maybe a B-cup limit. That'd be just fine by me. And maybe with everyone being relatively "small," all this need for implants and shit would just go away within a few generations anyway. Nah, that's being too optimistic. Better to just cover all the bases up front.

While we're on the subject of genetic engineering, I've got a couple more good ideas. I think I'll put those scientists to work so that all girls end up with bad enough eyesight that it requires corrective lenses. No, not so they have trouble seeing what I look like. We all know how much I love girls in glasses. And before you think you're clever, contacts will also be right out.

Girls will also be genetically engineered so that they can't grow to be more than, I dunno, let's say 4'8" tall. Had this restriction been in place many moons ago, I'd have, at minimum, about a six-inch advantage when it comes to this stupid height bullshit, and then maybe I wouldn't have the degree of problems that I have today, and things like this post would have never seen the light of day.