This is several days old, but it nicely sums up why I have a difficult time getting behind John McCain. The guy obviously wants us to think he's all hardcore and shit like the McLean Deluxe, but he just pusses out way too much. Just imagine what a bad-ass he'd look like if he had really been a rebel all these years and gone against Bush more. If anyone has had a right to hate Bush and tell him to go fuck himself it's McCain, and he should have rolled with that since the 2000 campaign.

On the D side, hey guys and gals, you go ahead and put up Hillary or Obama or both (my favorite idea so far) and see where that gets you. Hillary is, well, Hillary, someone even a lot of Democrats have trouble getting on board with. I just can't stand her transparent attempts to cast off her liberal reputation. It'd be great to have a female president, but Hillary might not be the best choice when it comes to breaking through that particular barrier.

And Obama? Look, I'd also love to see a black president, but at this point I just don't think it's gonna happen. A black guy up for president would bring every fuckin' racist out of the woodwork to vote against him. The whole goddamn south is guaranteed to be solid bloody red. I hope maybe I'm just being too cynical, and the guy does have some skills after all. But with as racist as this country still is, I'd say it's a pretty big gamble right now.

Another strike against Obama: Hustler questioned his liberal street cred in their "Asshole of the Month" column recently, and we all know that Larry Flynt is where to turn when you want to know what's up (or if you want a bunch of skanks with gigantic fake tits and neverending left-wing blabber... yes, my opinion of Larry has shifted in recent times).

If nothing else, can people stop referring to Obama as a "rising star" already? That shit is fucking played out.

Right now I like the idea of Rudy Giuliani, or at least someone Giuliani-esque, becoming president. You know, a guy who's Republican, but not fucking psycho like these neocon bastards. Someone socially liberal but fiscally conservative (dunno if that really means anything, but we all love to throw around that phrase because it sounds cool).

I say this assuming congress stays Democrat, because I'm liking the whole divided government thing. So a flop with an R congress and D president could achieve that as well. It doesn't really make things spectacular or anything, but it beats that whole imbalance nonsense we'd seen for the past six years. And even if part or all of congress went back the R way, a Republican who might actually argue with congress would be a step up from Bush. Of course, many of us think that just about anything would be a step up from Bush, and it's that kind of desperate mentality that gave us a douchebag like John Kerry last time. Thank Christ that cocksucker isn't trying again, eh?

Here are a couple of random articles involving a pair of geniuses. First up is this guy, who doesn't have a gambling problem or anything. Then there's this kid, who for his sake hopefully has a big cock, otherwise he's for sure gonna want to find himself a new school.

Not that we really need it, but here's today's reminder as to how stupid religion is.

If The Police, the second-best band of the 80s (you know who the best is) are thinking about hanging out again, then this is as good a time as any to re-set this Onion article.

The only objection I have to this movie is that the actress in question is Dakota Fanning, because that little girl is creepy. But yeah, god forbid we should even think about having a serious discussion about a topic that most would prefer to ignore.

Ted Baehr, chairman of the Christian Film and Television Commission and publisher of the Web site movieguide.org, claims "Hounddog" breaks federal child-pornography law.

Dude, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I know that you aren't, but you should be. We'll set aside for a moment that you almost certainly have not seen the scene under debate. No sense letting any facts get in the way of a good crusade. Man, what a waste of fucking time and energy while there's plenty of actual child abuse going on in the world that you give less than a shit about. Just to make sure we're on the same page: fictional sexual abuse that is shown briefly and apparently not even as graphic as everyone makes it out to be, bad; real sexual abuse that goes on for decades and is just swept under the rug, good. Nice morals as usual, Jesus fuck.

"It's not really happening," Fanning said of a [sic] rape. "It's a movie, and it's called acting. I'm not going through anything. Cody and Isabelle aren't going through anything, their characters are.

Pretty sad when some creepy kid has to bitch-slap everyone and point out what fucking retards they're being.

Look, I'm pretty stoked to see the Bears going to the Superbowl, but this is just ridiculous. I'm guessing it's not like there was any big risk inducing childbirth a couple days early, but this still isn't right.

If football -- yes, even Chicago football -- takes precedence over childbirthing, you people probably shouldn't be parents. Yes, I'm sure those tickets were not cheap, and being at that game was something very rare and special, but c'mon, people. Even I think you've got your priorities all fucked up.

Alright, here's another one for the idiot pedophile file pedo-file. There are so many things wrong with this group of M-Winners* that it's not, no wait, actually it is pretty funny, assuming we can ignore the fact that they might have actually molested some real kids.

I mean, seriously, I know that guys can be pretty optimistic when it comes to sex and relationships, but being able to convince themselves that that 29-year-old guy was fucking twelve? Come on. I'm guessing he's not particularly tall, but looking at his face anyone who's not a total fucking stem can tell he isn't 12.

But of course, these geniuses actually tried to enroll the "12-year-old boy" they were "molesting" in school, and no one could have ever predicted that backfiring.

Stiffler and Robert James Snow, 43, "were very upset when the detectives told them they had been having a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old man and not a pre-teen boy," Quayle said.

Yeah, I hate it when that happens. Once you find out your supposed pre-teen lover is actually pushing 30 it really takes the edge off and it's just no fun anymore. And how great is it that one of the guys involved is named Stiffler?

*Mussolini was a winner.

There is so much ignorant shit in this that I just can't motivate myself to wade in at this point. But really, none of it is anything new, nothing we haven't had to suffer through before. So, we'll just summarize: Bush, you are a stupid, arrogant asshole. Your brilliant plan to send more troops should fix everything right up over there.

And the notion that the Iraqis should be thanking us for this mess? One that they never asked us for to begin with? That would be a pretty stunning statement if we weren't accustomed to this kind of garbage. Just when you think people can't hate us anymore, we're reminded that there's plenty more in Bush's back of tricks that he can pull out to insult and condescend.

Another thing I will make special note of:

Bush, who has said he does not use e-mail, said he watched the video on the Internet, but turned away before the ousted dictator fell through the trap door of the gallows.

Give me a break. Who exactly are you again? What execution-happy state did you used to be governor of? You know Bush watched that whole video and he loved it. Lying piece of shit.

If you are any sort of RPG fan (and I don't mean rocket-propelled grenades), then you need to check this out if you haven't seen it already. It is just simply brilliant. There are three more episodes besides that one, although 2-4 kinda disappoint after that first one.

I read this story a couple days ago, and I was like, yeah, that's one of the more messed up things I've read in awhile. I was thinking, damn, I make jokes about genetically engineering girls' height to keep them short, but I have problems and here's someone actually doing it, only after the fact.

And of course, I was about to write a post full of all kinds of half-assed, poorly thought out, and completely unqualified opinions about it. I gave up on that route after reading an excerpt from the parents' blog explaining things, and I was like, forget it. Virtually none of us really do have any clue as to what it would be like to have to go through that and make those kinds of decisions. Doesn't make it all right or wrong; this one is about as gray as it gets.

Being me, though, there are still a couple of things that really piss me off that I will comment on. One is the fact that the parents have a fucking blog despite saying they want to remain anonymous. Someone will figure how who they are pretty quickly if they haven't already. Sure, we could come up with several possible reasons, good and bad, why they're blogging anyway, but the inconsistency is irritating. And then there's this:

In a related conversation with Ashley's doctor, Ashley's mom came upon the idea of accelerating her already precocious puberty to minimise her adult height and weight.

Okay, look, the field of medicine really is all guesswork in a white coat, but this still irks the hell out of me to have parents coming up with medical treatments and doctors letting parents tell them what to do. Sure, they put it before a panel of, like, a billion doctors, but on principle it just doesn't sit right with me. It's like when Bill Maher was commenting on all those drug commercials which urge people to "tell your doctor" about pharmaceutical X: "At that point isn't he just... A dealer?"

I keep hearing about this, and I'm sick and tired of it. Who cares what apocryphal tome a guy uses when he's entering a hallowed hall of lies, money, and bullshit? The only way you would care is if you're -- that's right -- a total fucking dumbass. And besides, wouldn't it be more dishonest and weird for him to be sworn in with a book he doesn't even believe in? And how exactly does putting your hand on a book do anything anyway? Can't we all just pray or something and move on?

Last month, Virginia Republican Rep. Virgil Goode warned that unless immigration is tightened, "many more Muslims" will be elected and follow Ellison's lead.

Nice. You said it so hard, Virge.

Finally, a little note to Western media outlets: please pick a fucking spelling for the Koran/Quran and stick with it, would 'ya please? The same goes for Osama/Usama, al-Qaeda/al-Qaida, and whatever else. I don't care what romanization you go with, just stop switching things up because it's annoying. And figure out how to pronounce "Qatar" while you're at it.

Alright, so I just gave up on the sailor schoolgirl site. I finally got tired of randomly discovering that Angelfire had nuked not one but two of the indexes, so fuck it. I'm not gonna get un-lazy anytime soon and create two new accounts and re-upload everything. I haven't totally given up on the concept because that's a site that just needs to be out there, but I really need to hook myself up with some real webhosting if I'm gonna keep going at that. And since I've talked of getting going with real webhosting for, I dunno, 3+ years, I'm sure it will happen soon.

It was a good run. For awhile there I was averaging tens of thousands of hits a month, and then there was the day I got 127,000 hits from fuck knows where. It's been well over a year, though, since I was getting good traffic like that, so keeping it up wasn't very motivating anyway. And like I've said, I do feel like I'm providing a necessary service, but in the end I'm not all that interested in helping other guys get off. Although I guess you wouldn't know it considering my chat room time which is, of course, talking to nothing but a bunch of guys pretending to be girls. Man, I am so good at life it's not even funny. Why are we walking like this? Fuck, time to see if I can get a couple more hours of sleep before work, because this is really starting to get away from me.

God damn it, how fucking stupid do you have to be to actually think that prayer can take down shit like cancer. I know that's not an original thought here, but it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm not gonna be getting back to sleep, so may as well keep taking potshots at Christians.

New year, same homophobic shit. That article is a quickie but worth it just for the guy holding the "START ACTING LIKE CHRISTIANS" sign. We could really use a huge one of those hanging over the entire country right about now.

Shit yeah, bitches -- just one more day before our country becomes a million times better. Obviously not, but it is still gonna be totally worth it just to see Bush not have it easy for, like, the first time in his life.

I love this notion of trying to sell Saddam's execution as being more about justice than about retribution. Capital punishment is all about retribution. Being me, I'm OK with that. But c'mon, just call it what it is. Trying to say it's something that it's not is a waste of time because every knows better, or at least they think they do and that's all that's really gonna matter.

U.S. officials reportedly tried to delay last week's execution of Hussein, fearing it would fuel perceptions the death of the former Iraqi dictator was more about Shiite retribution and less about justice.

How exactly was that going to help anything? Better to just get it over with so that people can get pissed and get on with the shit causing, since they were gonna do that anyway regardless of what happened or when it happened.

It's so sad that we are the most technologically advanced civilization in history and we have dumbasses like Pat Robertson running around who people will actually listen to. That article is a nice summary of recent stupid shit we've gotten from the man though, which is nice.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Yeah, just unfathomable stupidity.

Nevermind the fact that it's just plain disgusting

This kind of shit needs to be stopped. What's the point in having kids when there's a decent chance you'll be dead before they even get out of high school? I'm pretty solid when it comes to being selfish and thinking only of myself, but even I can't compete with assholes like this.

Don't breathe this

The internet has given us a lot of pointless yet highly amusing shit to waste our lives with, and this is something else to add to that pile. Hit the link to the video and check out the Barbies along with some of the other "don't try this at home" vids. If those are real then that shit's harsh, and if those don't cause you to fear and respect the Blendtec blender, I don't know what will.

Cheerleaders are just dancers who have gone retarded

And now for your viewing enjoyment I present a slideshow* of a high-school cheerleader getting hit on the head with a basketball. Unfortunately, no, you can't discern if any of them are hot, but you do get the added surrealness of seeing it happen in slow-mo as you click through the slides.

Since I brought it up in the title, if you haven't seen Bring it on and you've got nothing better to do, go for it. It's not what one would call stellar filmmaking, but it's better than you might expect.

EDIT: I am an unobservant retard and did not see the link to a video just below the sideshow. Of course I can't watch the video anyway since I insist on using an OS where shit doesn't work, but apparently there is some amusement value in that associated video.

Take it all

I'm pretty sure that every time I release a set of searches into the wild I have to qualify it with some sort of complaint about how the searches just aren't good anymore. But I have seriously been checking my logs for the past couple months and there has been all but jack shit in there that amused me. I have tried to set the bar at a minimum of ten new items from searches and spam before I post these but it's just not happening so I'm gonna let this one blow prematurely.

Spam:

Your sexual life will be an example for others.

It already is, asshole.

naked pics of jake plummer

Dude, if he's got the hobo beard going, it's gonna be like one of those fuckin' "evolution of man" posters.

as a muslim is it wrong to mastubate

Not if you do it facing Mecca. Nah, not true. I think it's wrong to do anything fun if you're Muslim. The same goes if you're sufficiently devout in any other of those ridiculous religions.

how to stay in love with a man with pointy balls

I don't know what's weirder about this one -- the thought of balls being pointy or the notion of said balls being a reason to not stay in love with someone.

prayer for teenage girls dealing with hormones

I just... I just dunno what to say about this one. I mean, it's teenage girls, and hormones, and I wanna make like a million jokes and inappropriate comments, but this is so fucking stupid that it just has to be left alone.

Nancy Pelosi tits boobs

I know, you didn't need that image, but I've been getting a ton of hits like this so now you get to suffer too. Why are so many of you fuckers searching for this? Isn't she like 66 years old? STOP THAT. Yeah, I know, I'm just gonna get like a billion more hits on this now, but I am fed up and needed to vent.

does killing someone for coveting my wife send me to hell

That is a very good question. I'd have to say that the penalties offset -- you just replay the down.

The Sailor Schoolgirl site is sportin' a couple of updates for those with issues like mine.

Both arms?

I don't think I'd really worry too much. Women are still gonna want their sparkly things. And that's fine, that's not a crackback, we've all got our addictions.

Okay, maybe things are more fucked up when it comes to the diamond trade as opposed to other things. But c'mon. I get so tired of people picking and choosing the things they wanna be principled about. Christ only knows all of the atrocities that go down to bring us many of the other products that we all love. You know, then there's the fact that a lot of us live pretty good lives but collectively we don't give too much of a fuck about the rest of the world. If you want to be principled about diamonds, that's cool -- but you'd better not stop there if you're gonna get on your high horse about it.

Sex offenders have officially run out of excuses.

Defense attorney Richard Yetter said his client was not articulate and may not have been doing a good job of conveying his rationale to the judge.

You're always in pretty solid shape when your lawyer has to step in and basically say "You'll have to excuse my client, your honor... He's an idiot." Great defense you had going there, chief.

Despite being what most would term "an asshole," I'm paradoxically all about cute things. And you know, up to a point, I'm OK with things like PDA (and no, not Palm Pilots). But seriously, the line has gotta be drawn somewhere, and this goes well beyond that line.