In this post-never-had-a-black-president world, The Onion is apparently stepping it up.

You definitely do gotta like that the guy is negative seventy-some days on the job and he already sounds more presidential than the guy who has ostensibly been doing this for eight years. Granted, that's not saying much, but a marked improvement is still a major accomplishment. The guy won't be in office for over two months and he's already held a presser. That puts him, what, two or three press conferences away from tying Bush's number?

Oh, and you know what my favorite phrase is right now? Transition team.

In the closing days of the campaign, this saga of McCain people throwing Palin under the bus was my favorite storyline. The most cynical, political pick of all time (Country First!) didn't pan out, and as the ship was going down all the rats started... Uhhh... Okay that metaphor completely failed to materialize but you know what I'm talking about.

In response to the allegations that she was ill-prepared for interviews and debate, Randy Scheunemann, an aide assigned to Palin, called her "brilliant" and said she has a "photographic memory."

The only way for that statement to be true would be for all of us to be running around with goatees right about now.

As much as I respect Obama for not being John McCain, he is gonna be our president and as such it's time to start ripping on him. Bill Maher says that Obama has not given comedians anything to make fun of, and that comedians just need to get used to making fun of a black guy. Well, half black. Anyway, how about this to get us started?

I mean, seriously. Dude, c'mon. Why are you backing down from that shit? Seances? Seances. How the fuck are you supposed to take seriously the "don't do drugs" message from someone participating in gorram seances?

The most important circlejerk of our time

No sarcasm for the rest of this post, for once. I gotta admit, I'm impressed, America. You managed to not fuck this one up. I raise my glass to you.

(But not to you, racist Southern fucks.)

Well, I still don't really know what to think about all this. Aside from, what a cluster fuck.

Republican leaders, who had pushed their reluctant members to vote for the bill, pointed the finger for the failure at a speech given Monday by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.

What? 'Cause of a speech? What a load. Either that's bullshit or you're all just children.

Pelosi, speaking on the House floor, had blamed the nation's economic problems on "failed Bush economic policies."

Okay, so it's bullshit and you're all just children. Not voting for something 'cause of a speech -- lame. Using this opportunity as another chance to regurgitate campaign talking points -- lame.

Here's a quandary. A lot of Republicans are against this. So does that mean it must be a good thing? Or does the fact that they're against handing out a bunch of money to these firms a sign of just how fucked up the bailout proposal really is? "We're all about helpin' Whitey, but damn."

Something is amiss.

Well, um, basically, yeah.

The new webcomics (well, new to me) just keep comin'... Today's installment is The Perry Bible Fellowship. Believe me, you have no idea what it's about from that title, 'cause it isn't about anything. But it is fantastic and, unfortunately, not regularly updated anymore, goddammit. Still plenty there to peruse, such as my personal favorite.

Quite possibly the best 404 ever (make sure you don't have JavaScript blocked/disabled).

'Nother new webcomic: pictures for sad children. As is often the case, if you don't do the mouse-over popup text thingy you're missing half the jokes. Originally discovered when I came across the affiliated t-shirt store.

Speaking of t-shirts, here is a fantastic one, and here is yet another one. To top it all off, the greatest hoodie of all-time.

Better abs than God

Listen, David, errr, Mr. Blaine... I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about "fucking piece of shit assholes." Either you really are a magician, or you are in the best shape that anyone has ever been in.

I could raise the spectre that it was staged or an illusion, but I don't want to run the risk that Mr. Blaine will come and kill me. With his abs.

How hilarious is it that Bush is for, like, seven years completely non-committal about how shitty the economy is and all of a sudden "our entire economy is in danger"?

"I'm a strong believer in free enterprise, so my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention," he said. But "these are not normal circumstances. The market is not functioning properly. There has been a widespread loss of confidence.

I know this will be lost on Bush, but there's a difference between the market not working and the market not working like we want it to. Somewhere, Adam Smith is crying.

Although you know, I'm not even sure if I'm against this whole bailout thing or not. Of course, I'm ill-informed and very unmotivated to really dig deep into all this shit that a bunch of assholes brought upon us and we pretty much can't do jack about. But I mean, you hear names like Lehman Brothers going under, and it's like, fuck. This can't be good. With things such a mess there's definitely gonna be widespread effects.

But you know, is the government getting involved really the smartest idea? Or is propping up the fuck-ups really a bright move? Again, there's that whole "market" thing we were just talking about. I like how The Onion put it several months ago when the Fed started bailing out banks:

"Giving money to institutions that failed at their only job, which was to have money, may not be the best strategy."

Then there's the fact that with the latest bailout package, Team Bush is pushing hard for it. You know they're big on it if they're willing to risk putting Bush out there in front of the cameras. Oh, and I doubt I even need to do any research to discover that they are less than objective in their decision-making, and they have other interest's besides the country's at heart.

Awesome again.

Awesome.

Good, I fucking hope he does go blind, and worse. There are few bigger pieces of shit out there that I hate more than David Blaine. To me, Blaine is the embodiment of so much that is wrong with the world. Inane, pointless, self-centered garbage. I'm not kidding when I say few worse are lower than him; as far as my level of hatred goes he's like getting into Cheney territory. I know what you're saying: how can you even begin to compare the two? Cheney is the biggest asshole alive and he's caused way more grief for the world than some nobody.

David Blaine is just that big of a prick.

Sure, we all do dumb shit. We have dangerous hobbies or just fuck up or whatever. But this asshole does all of this immensely retarded shit, and for what? For attention. That's all. No other reason than for attention. God damn it why can't he just fucking die in one of his experiments? He clearly wants to die. He's like that stupid cunt Amy Winehouse. If you're doing all this fucking crap you must want your life to end, so please just fucking die already.

The biggest danger for magician David Blaine...

What's magical about being an attention whoring douchebag? Tell me, please, what is magical about that.

Nevertheless, Napolitano says the stunt could yield valuable data for doctors.

I have an awesome idea: let's finally get our shit together and invent the time machine and send this fuckoff back. I'm sure Dr. Mengele would love to meet him, and I'd love for Blaine to meet him too.

If you're wondering what the hell that loud bang was that you just heard, it was the sound of the hypocrisy barrier being broken.

This is just sad. To me, at least at this point, Biden is the only one giving either campaign any real legitimacy. The way I look at it, regardless of who wins in November, they're going to die in office. Or at least, there's a good chance of it. Either McCain will just succumb to something or other 'cause he's old, or Obama will get shot. So unlike most years (not counting the last two with Cheney, the real president), the VP spot actually matters.

So let's forget about the two candidates who really haven't done anything other than having somewhat dark skin or a vagina. Since you sound like you're falling on the side of "experience is good," BLM, then why is Biden legit and McCain isn't? Well, for starters, I can tell you why McCain has no cred:


I should be able to easily keep this under a thousand words, but that picture really does speak volumes. It's my favorite picture of McCain because it shows what a "Mavrick" he truly is. Just look at the body language and it tells you all you need to know. That weak-ass hug from McCain. Bush barely even knows he's there. As I've said about a billion times, after the 2000 election no one had more right to tell Bush to kiss his fucking ass than McCain did. But what did he do? Well, he got his nose covered in Bush's shit at just about every opportunity and went on and voted with Bush 90% of the time.

As an aside, you know, I was wondering where that 90% figure was being pulled from. I was like, it's gotta be some kinda distortion, especially since the statement sounds kinda dumb since you can't really vote "with" the President since he's not a member of Congress (but yeah yeah we know what they mean). Then I saw a clip the other day, and you know where it came from? From McCain's own fucking mouth! Even though The Mavrick has done a balls-out job of trying to sell himself as some kind of independent he sure is eager to let people know he typically just goes with the crowd. May as well since, you know, that's exactly what he does.

So anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, why I'm down with Biden.

Biden ambled back to talk with the press corps a few times a week. And these were not sound bites -- at one point, the notoriously talkative senator gave a 13-minute, 20-second response to a reporter's question on the situation in Iraq.

Can someone please explain to me why this is always talked about in a detrimental way? Why is it so bad that the guy gives, you know, thoughtful answers to questions? Sure, there are times when you've gotta keep it brief, but I've heard Biden talk before. From what I've heard he's not just a typical blowhard who merely loves the sound of his own voice. "Insider" or not, Biden's a smart guy. Sure, of course I think he's smart since he's said a lot of stuff I agree with in the past. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? Choose the guy who I think is a dipshit? Jesus. At any rate, god forbid we should be dealing with someone who actually takes the time to think about shit beyond the party's talking points, which is what discourse in politics has been reduced to in this country.

But of course none of that matters since now we have a fuckable candidate on the trail. And yes, of course I've been guilty of promoting this superficial train of thought, but I'm nobody. I'm not even going to vote for chrissakes, but a lot of these idiots are.

For another quick aside, how sad is this picture:


Yeah honey, you just wait for that awesome McCain/Palin future. I know, I know, leave the kid alone; she doesn't know any better. She's gotta learn at some point, and if McCain wins, she will. Sure, not that Obama/Biden are gonna fix everything and make it all pretty-like, but really, are McCain and Palin gonna seriously improve shit for women? Why, just 'cause Palin's a woman?

Of course, a lot of stupid people are gonna think like that since she talks tough and has the aforementioned V-cred, but at least not everyone's buying it. Just one more since Sarah Fever is upon us; here's an article that was initially infuriating me until I realized I wasn't getting the joke.

If you've been paying more attention than me, which is entirely possibly since I'm both lazy and also very sick of all this shit (until the time to have superficial conversations about candidate aesthetics arrives, of course), you may already be familiar with FactCheck.org. Actually, the site has been around for a couple years now. Regardless, this site seems pretty awesome, going after the bullshit from both sides. For instance, how about some of those wonderful ads out there? Or how about all of the rumors going around about Palin's past? How about the claims flying around about the magnitude of energy currently coming from Seward's Folly? This is a bad-ass site.

I'm embarrassed that it has taken me this long to check this site out, but either way I think I'm already in love with it.

This is fucking stupid. Phony outrage, indeed.

Not that I give a fuck about what celebrities have to say about politics, but now we know one thing: Sarah Palin will not be fucking Matt Damon.

As usual, only The Onion can come up with stuff like this.

In case if you'd forgotten, when I'm not linking image macro sites, I'm linking webcomics. I just discovered another great one at Comic Blashpemy Dot Com. This guy has absolutely no taboos whatsoever, and it is awesome.

Seems like I should have seen this by now, but either way, I found it to be pretty amusing.

Here we go -- that's the dumbass I was talking about.

Final Fantasy Football

Son of a fuck. You know how I feel about the Pats, so it must be something pretty serious if I'm pissed about an epic fail for them.

Well, how about my fantasy football season being blown up, for starters? Wait -- you probably figured that from the title of this post. No, the post has nothing to do with the videogame, unless Square-Enix has something up their sleeves that I'm unwittingly prognosticating. I just got that phrase in my head one day and it stuck.

But yeah, I'm fucked now. My draft strategy? Draft Tom Brady. After having Steven Jackson (one of the highest rated players at draft time) last season and Ronnie Brown (was leading the league in rushing several weeks in) after Jackson got injured, I was like, fuck the stud running back theory for fantasy football. I'm gonna go with a solid quarterback for my first pick and watch as everyone else sees their star running backs either disappoint or go down in injury later on in the year. I was kinda nervous about that foot of Brady's for awhile. Aside from it potentially being a lingering issue from the end of last season, as a foot fetishist I'm not pleased at having to be overly concerned about another dude's foot. I figured it would be fine; the guy's a veteran and he's a fucking horse. He's not gonna be setting records like last year, but he'll be fine.

So what happens? Before I even fucking got out of bed today, my season was pretty much hosed. The guy's started 128 straight games, but he had to pick today to (probably) shred his ACL and miss the rest of the season. Well, I was right about one thing -- the foot wasn't a big deal after all.

But, what did I expect to happen? Well, this, actually. Even during the draft I was already pessimistic. I even got called out for being such a whiny douche, by a potential dreamgirl nonetheless. So afterward, I had a bit of an epiphany. I was like, yeah, I do complain way too fucking much. Is it any wonder no one likes me? Stop that. Of course, I've had this epiphany before in my life, and then...

And then it turns out I was fucking right. I love how people have the gall to ask why I'm so pessimistic realistic about shit. I mean c'mon. This is all just learned behavior; it's not my fault, it's Pavlov's fault. There is no danger of me becoming a "happy person" anytime soon (happy people don't say "fuck" just so you know... long story).

I know what some of you are saying. "Well, that's what you get." Karma or some shit. Whatever. Either that is A) dumb or B) if I can actually influence peoples' lives just with my shitty attitude then I am clearly in the wrong line of work.

So, fantasy football gets me waxing existential. How sad is that?

Anyway, it's not all that bad. I'm having fun with it; I already changed my team logo picture to be a shot of Brady on the turf clutching his knee. And it is fucking fantasy football after all, which for many years I referred to aficionados of as quote losers. So yes, it's highly hypocritical flexible of me to be playing fantasy football, for the second straight year no less, but who cares. It's entertaining when you're in it with friends and co-workers; it's one more thing to BS about and talk shit about. And as long as I'm not one of those guys who spends all of Saturday setting my lineup (definite losers) then it's not all bad. But what am I gonna do if I can't impress Dreamgirl (hereafter referred to as Unlimited Candy Shopping Spree for reasons known only to me) with my fantasy football skills? Good thing I have so many others to fall back on.

"Once again Negative Z is kicking the hell out of Positive Z as the arguments rage."
- Line from Dr. Z, SI columnist and one of the most entertaining out there, in one of his NFL Power Rankings columns from last season

So I got a bit nostalgic tonight and went out hunting pictures of Mile High Stadium. The real Mile High; the only Mile High. I ended up coming across this thread, which has a ton of pictures chronicling the stadium's demise once Invesco Field was up and running. Interesting, yet very depressing too.

I've only been to Invesco once, and it's definitely not the same. Yeah, yeah, get off my lawn, nothing's ever gonna be good again, blah blah blah. Of course, it didn't help matters that my only trip to Invesco was for a preseason game against the Colts, but even still, you could tell the vibe there just wasn't the same.

I remember after Invesco first opened I insisted on calling it Mile High for awhile, but it wasn't long before I was catching myself between the "Mile" and the "High" before correcting myself to say "Invesco." I didn't want Mile High to be gone, but I finally accepted that it was.

My grandpa had Broncos season tickets for a couple years when I was in middle school. This was back during the two Wade Phillips years and we went 8-8 both years (winning all home games).

Okay, apparently my memory is apparently all fucked up 'cause Phillips was coach in '93 and '94 and I was in high school then. To combat this problem I just went and did something I rarely do: research. I went into my archives (the basement) and managed to dig up a ticket stub from 1991 and a bunch of game programs, so that was the first year. 1992 had to be the second year because I know that I was at this game, described here as such:

October 4, 1992
-- Elway throws 2 TD passes in the last 1:55, the last a 12-yarder to Vance Johnson, to come back from a 19-6 deficit and beat the Chiefs 20-19.

I still remember when Elway lofted that final TD pass -- as it went up the whole stadium simultaneously rose to its feet and then went completely nuts after they scored. Along with seeing the Rockies clinch the pennant last year it was the awesomest sports events I ever got to witness live.

Even if my years and coaches and records are kinda fuzzy there is definitely some other shit that I remember. I remember exactly where our seats were those two seasons:


According to the ticket stub I found that was section 333, row 5. It was right along the division between the east stands (the entire section which could be moved back to expand the stadium to accommodate a baseball field) and the rest of the horseshoe.

I remember a game where this obnoxious fat lady kept pounding on the wall along the division. By the end of the game I was so stoked with how well the game was going I had gone full retard and was doing the same.

I remember after one game as we were all filing out of the stadium a guy was holding up one of the best, and simplest, signs I ever saw someone holding at a game: "FUCK KC."

I can even remember my first game, which was ironically (by which of course I mean coincidentally) a preseason game against Indy. It was raining like crazy in Denver that day. It was cold, it was wet, and it was a mere preseason game, but it was my first pro football game, and it was awesome. It was always awesome on those Sundays. Going to those games with my grandpa were some of the best times I ever had.