Return of My Nutsack

Okay, I saw Return of the King last weekend, and have been meaning to write a review. I had better get this shit out of the way before I become even more apathetic towards Lord of the Rings than I already am. There are maybe a couple of minor spoilers in here, but that's about it. Odds are they won't be spoilers until you see them in the film, assuming of course you haven't seen it already or don't know what I'm talking about from the books.

Oh, I will spoil this: the good guys win in the end. The bad guys are vanquished.

First, some background. I have no sort of emotional attachment to LOTR. I didn't read the books when I was younger. I tried reading Fellowship of the Ring before it hit theaters, but I just couldn't get into it. Fantasy worlds of elves, Hobbits, and magic. I just don't get a hard-on for stuff like that, unlike the no-huddle offense. Speaking of offense, this isn't to be offensive to LOTR Dork, seeing as how this is coming from Star Trek Dork. We're arguably the worst kind, arguable because you people will also show up at the theater in costume, keeping the race tight.

No, let's face it, the biggest dorks are people who play the .HACK card game.

Since I've never read the books, I can't come from the perspective of "they totally fucked up the book when they did X, Y, and Z." Again, nothing wrong with having that perspective, I just don't. Despite what a huge fucking nerd I am, I can sort of write this review from the standpoint of a "normal" person. Sort of.

Also, since I've never read the books, if I misspell or mix up the names of any characters or places in the books/movies, it's because I don't care. So no sense correcting me if I fuck up there.

Another thing that may be worth mentioning is how much I fucking hated The Two Towers. That movie was unnecessarily long. It drug on and on, with one chaotic battle scene after another where I can't tell what the fuck is going on. Yes, I understand that battles like that would be chaotic, but maybe that's a good reason to do some shortening of those sequences. Speaking of battles, there's the 83 hour battle of Helm's Deep, which, as I understand it from people who know, did not have anywhere near that much emphasis in the book. I honestly did not need all of Gollum's internal struggle. He's CONFLICTED. I GET IT. I don't need it spelled out over and over and over for me. Finally, I just could not handle all of the fucking dwarf jokes. No, it's actually not because I'm very short myself and I take offense to that kind of stuff. No, I make fun of being short and laugh at short people jokes more than anyone. What pissed me off is that the dwarf jokes comprised all of the fucking humor in that movie. One-trick ponies are even less impressive than my embarrassingly tiny penis.

Anyway, all that should give you a decent idea as to where my mind was at when I saw RotK. At least, where my mind was at in terms of LOTR.

RotK was decent. Just like the first two movies, I will not be buying this on DVD. Not for myself, at least. Still, I'm not cursing the four days I spent in the theater, unlike tTT. The movie was long, but it didn't drag too much. There was fighting, but it was more tightly done than the fighting in tTT. Gollum was still irritating, but now it was because he's a pain in the ass as a character, and not because they're using him as a device to treat me like a baby. There were some funny parts, and they weren't a bunch of fucking dwarf jokes. Naturally, there were some good effects and visuals, but there had better fucking be for the money they poured into making the film.

Whoever the actress is who plays Eowyn is one of those women who is so gorgeous that you can't even stand it. Yeah, Liv Tyler is hot, too, but most of the time she's on screen all I can think to myself is "Damn, her father is one ugly woman." Eowyn wins the battle of the hot women. It was nice to get to see her kick a some ass, too, in addition to standing around, crying, and looking hot.

Speaking of hotties, we need to talk about Legolas. Ladies, I can totally see where you're coming from with this guy, because I found myself in the theater on the border of homoerotic fantasy over him. That is one fine piece of elf meat right there. If I were to ever have a threesome with two guys and one girl, I'd want him to be the other guy. Fuck, how about a three-way with him and Eowyn? Hell yeah, I'd take that.

Quick safety tip: STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!!! YOU FORGOT THE "ROLL" PART, AND YOU TOOK THE "DROP" PART WAY TOO FAR!!!!!

One comment made after the movie was that Peter Jackson doesn't know how to end a fucking movie. That point is arguable. One thing that is not arguable is that Jackson thinks he knows how end a movie. So in love with his ability to close out a film, he ended the movie, at my count, 18 different times. For the four days you'll spend in the theater watching this movie, the last day is ALL endings. You'll sit there all day, too, saying "Okay, this is it. This is the end. No, there's more? FUCK."

All in all, I think Bill McNeil would have put it best by saying that this movie reeked with adequacivity. Not good enough to win a LOTR convert, but not bad enough where I can completely ridicule LOTR dork and be home free knowing what a god damn loser I am. It was... Entertaining. Go see it. Not because I'm recommending it, but because you're going to see it anyway. Hell, I did, if for no other reason than to get it out of the way.

Quote of the night from last night:

"I got pretty lucky with my family. I only hate my mom."

No, this was not uttered by me. We all know what a momma's boy I am.

I almost feel bad about the post about Melissa Panarello I made a couple of days ago. Almost.

You see, after seeing that pic of her in the Times, my natural pervert instincts kicked in and I went searching the 'net for more. Alas, there were none to be found, at least not in the searches I did. Anyway, after seeing the dearth of not only pictures but any sort of info on bitchy, sexy little Melissa, I made it a point to mention her full name. That's right; just manufacturing hits. And it paid off, too, because that's helped sustain site traffic for the past couple of days.

So, for all the guys who are showing up here looking for pictures of her, sorry to disappoint. Believe me, I wish I had some pictures of her to share with you, because that would imply that I actually have some pictures of her. And that'd be neat because, well, we all know what I think of her.

God damn it. This guy takes PayPal. I'd be in danger except for the fact that this guy sounds like a fucking moron, and possibly a liar. He says "minor shelf wear," and "no corner dings." Sorry, "NO CORNER DINGS." As yet, the top edge of the back of the box looks fucked up in that second picture, but it is kinda hard to tell since it's a shitty fucking picture.

God fucking damn it, we've had the net for several years now. When will people learn that capitalizing that much shit in a post like that is unacceptable?

Also on the Fort Max hunt, here's another one. A feedback rating of "2" is fucking kryptonite to me, though, especially for an item that could easily get up there in price.

Shit. There have been three auctions for a sealed For Max this past week. So far, they haven't gotten me to bite. It's only a matter of time, though, before someone with lots of perfect, glowing feedback shows up who takes PayPal and has a "reasonable" Buy it Now.

Unlike Fort Max, I actually had Metroplex as a kid, and while not as big (the toy version, at least), the 'Plex was bad ass.

Bad parent of the day.

It's bad enough when your two year old is an "actor" and a "model." People who force shit like this on their kids disgust me. It's made worse when you name him "Konrad." Quit trying to be clever when naming your kids. Things are compounded when you try and sue someone when your stupid kid hits his head on something. That's something that kids just fucking do, you fucking cunt. You should be shot, lady.

Better yet, we should take that railing you're suing over, paint it white, and bash your fucking head in with it. Then it'll be a nice, bright red. No mistaking it then!

Contained within this post is another link that, while it doesn't appear to have any nudity, you should't be clicking if you're at work. Unless of course if you own the place, you're in good with the sysadmins, or you're a dumbass.

Here's a potential treat for you leg fetishists out there. Came across this at Japaneze, where you can hear all about how warm Charlie's girlfriend's vagina is.

In the spirit of the main character from Extreme Driving Miss Daisy, Krugman has come up with some rules of his own for the next election.

It looks like plans to release NewsRadio on DVD are still moving forward. I read elsewhere that the release date was pushed back from sometime in February, but that was so that they could add in some extras beyond just the episodes.

We watched The Transporter tonight, or as I'm gonna refer to it from here on out, Extreme Driving Miss Daisy. As a quick note, there's one minor spoiler in this super-mini review, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you're really fretting over this film, you need to get out more. And this is coming from me.

I remember when this film was out in theaters, I didn't really have any impetus to go see it. I think I was turned off by the idea since I just kept asking "Where's Scotty?"

In the end, though, it actually wasn't a bad film. A stupid action flick for sure, but nonetheless entertaining with some humorous moments to keep it afloat. A bunch of shit that went down was completely implausible, although nowhere near the levels of Face/Off, which was a fun film despite every moment being filled with total horseshit impossibility. Just since it's required, there's a minimum of romance sex in this movie. Despite being so contrived, the "love story" part of the film was still more believable than that atrocity between Cardboard Anakin and Natalie Portman in Attack of the Clones.

The lead actress was pretty hot, even though we didn't get to see her kick too much ass. Still, she did kill her father, which is hard as nuts. For the hell of it, I'm going to throw in this pic. Jason's got the right idea.

Also, as another spoiler, the good guy wins.

All in all, I'd call it an hour and a half not completely wasted.

DOW 'Blog 10,000

Last night, Fuck everything received its 10,000th hit since I started tracking stats in late August. As an added bonus, we recently passed our 500th comment. Undoubtedly this is yet another sign that the economy is improving the world is being FedExed to hell.

Granted, if you take out the hits that are me, my personal friends who read this in lieu of talking to me, people looking for 80s cartoon porn, and pedophiles, you're left with about three dozen legitimate hits. Also, if you throw out Matt's comments, that leaves 10 or so comments from others.

Regardless, this is a still a nice pair of milestones to hit. Thanks to everyone for their support... I'm not really sure why you bother with this site, but I'm glad 'ya do.

As a warning, there is an adult link in this post, so don't click on it if you're somewhere that you might get in trouble for doing so.

One thing I'm getting sick and tired of is people showing up here at Fe looking for Final Fantasy X-2 porno. I'm still of the mindset that if you want to see Yuna naked, you're gonna have to learn to draw on your own or bust out someone else's shitty FF doujinshi. Otherwise, it's not like there's gonna be a Final Fantasy X-3 hardcore flick out there that's been officially sanctioned by Square-Enix.

Still, I like to please my readership, so here 'ya go. I proudly present Yuna naked.

Ahhh, hearing about the withering of Christianity, even if only in some small part of the world, would warm my soul if I had one. Go, indifference, go! Or don't. Whatever.

No one can do Christmas quite like New York hockey fans. This is just too funny, and that brief picture sequence is priceless. Where the hell else are you gonna see Santa checking someone into the boards?

This has got to be the stupidest fucking story I've ever heard, with the absolute dumbest people involved. Boy, people from Oklahoma are smart! The parents didn't even give enough of a shit about their fuck-up son to LOOK AT THE FREAKING CORPSE, and we can see how thrilled they were to hear from him.

My guess is that the parents are out about 12 bucks for that funeral.

As my Hypocrite Day present to you, there's an update over at Serafuku. Jesus would be proud. He died for your sins, just so you could sin some more by checking out Japanese girls in sailor uniforms while visions full of impure thoughts dance in your head.

Oh, and if you don't like your gift, tough. BLM Claus can't please everyone. Or anyone, for that matter.

I was raised Catholic, and it takes a lifetime to de-program. To this day, I cannot have sex on Christmas. There's not logical reason for this; I just picture Jesus up there saying "Just... Just don't fuck on my birthday."
- Bill Maher

It's Christmas. Woo hoo. Or, as ETP has been calling it, "Thursday."

Several years back, ETP and I realized what total bullshit it is that he and I celebrate Christmas, seeing as how decidedly non-Christian we are. Sure, we don't go to Christmas Eve mass or even believe in any of that nonsense, but we do still accept presents and partake in non-religious Christmas activities. Of course, there's the fact that the holiday has become so commercialized and so ubiquitous that it's almost not a Christian holiday anymore - it's just been kinda hijacked by lots of people with lots of different agendas. But the fact of the matter remains that, yes, the root of this day is good ol' JC.

You can take the "Christ" out of Christmas and just call it X-mas. That sorta works, but still didn't seem quite good enough to us. So, we decided to start calling the holiday "Hypocrite Day," since our basic attitude is "Fuck Jesus, Merry Christmas." We're exploiting something we don't even believe in just so that we can get presents out of it.

Okay, we don't just care about the presents, but let's face it, that's the best part. Yes, I really do enjoy spending time with my family, and the food's good. But how many other days are there out there where you get gifts for no good reason other than someone got pinned to a couple 2x4s?

Yes, yes, I know - not everyone is fortunate enough to even get presents. I'm lucky, yada yada. I get it. Don't test me, ok? My holiday cheer may start to wear thin.

So anyway, happy whatever the hell it is you celebrate today, even if today is merely "Thursday."

Okay, so Galvin looks as if he's in decent shape to win Best Japanese Blog. Still, some insurance votes wouldn't hurt.

However, as of right now, he's behind in the polls for Funniest Blog. This is unacceptable.

No offense to all those great sites I've come across this year (and full offense to all the shitty ones I've found), but KindOfCrap is easily the best site I've discovered this year. If I'm planning on re-making everything in my image, then having everyone acknowledge my taste in 'blogs is as good a starting point as any.

Seriously, if you haven't voted, go out and do it. It's pretty quick and painless. Vote early (i.e. NOW; the voting ends on the 28th) but don't kick it Chicago school and vote often, because ballot box stuffing (multiple votes from the same IP address) will get him disqualified. And, of course, if you haven't checked out his site to know why you're voting for him, you're doing yourself a great disservice. But vote now, read later.

Considering the like 50 hits I get every day for assholes looking for child porn, if even a fraction of them were putting in a vote, we could take this shit to the mat. It's the least those bastards could do for ruining my self-esteem by coming here looking for kiddie porn which they're not gonna find. Oh, and it would be nice if they'd stop molesting children, too.

For all you non pedos, though, let's see some democratic spirit. Considering that there's only like 160-some-odd votes right now, even my small yet solid readership could make a difference. Unless, of course, if everyone out there has already made as big a dent as we're gonna make. If nothing else, do it as a favor to me. Is there any reason why I deserve to be receiving favors from you? Nope. And I sure as hell am not going to be repaying any favors, either. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway? The fucking mob?

For those who have voted - thanks. I don't know why I'm thanking you, because it's not like this benefits me in any way, but thanks all the same.

If Galvin doesn't win, I'm gonna be pissed. Me getting pissed doesn't happen too often here at Fuck everything, and we know that it's something we certainly don't want to see. So get on it!

Whenever I see a link entitled Italian Teenager's Tale of Lust on the front page of The New York Times, I'm pretty much obligated to read it.

Melissa Panarello sure sounds like a little bitch. And not too terribly bright, either. But that picture... Yum yum fucking yum.

I'll spare you any jokes about having the hankering to eat Italian tonight. Whoops, too late.

Happy holidays, everyone! The government says you might die!

You know, maybe for once raising the level was actually for a good reason. It is kinda unnerving that for once they claim to have some specific information. But does it really do any good to announce that they're raising the level it and then tell us "... but go on with your lives"? Thanks fuckers, we will, because no one pays attention to the colors.

Honestly, this orange alert announcement doesn't do a fucking thing. It's just to keep us scared shitless so that we remember how Georgie and Pals are protecting us from the big bad terrorists. They could just step up security measures when need be but not tell us anything and all would be OK. But of course they won't do that, because there's no PR involved such a course of action. They have to specifically tell us so that we'll see all the shit they're doing.

Once again, though, raising the level was probably for naught. If there is more "chatter" out there, it's probably just the terrorists fucking with us. I'm still convinced that we're not gonna have any fucking clue when they strike again. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not holding my breath.

For any other chip weenies out there (and I'm sure there are a ton), here's a quick blurb on Intel's use of strained silicon for making chips. Pretty clever shit (to put it mildly), and it's always interesting to hear some guy named Bohr doing work like this.

It's what's for dinner.

A handful of BBspot articles for 'ya.

To start, a little holiday goodness.

Life is rough on the campaign trail.

Stephen Hawking would be proud - or pissed.

The Need for Speed franchise is going downhill.

A little more Christmas cheer in the form of SCO mockery.

What's the difference between Jack Valenti and God? God doesn't think he's Jack Valenti.

The great thing about that last article is that the Jack Valenti joke came to mind before I even finished the article. An extra treat for me, and mad big ups to the BBspot guys.

There is also a website up for Keane's 9/11 commission.

In my normal positive stance, I've totally been expecting all these 9/11 commissions to really get to the bottom of things and finally get some heads to roll over the whole fiasco. There are some indicators that things like this might actually happen, but we'll just have to see. There's a lot of time between now and May, with lots of pressure that can be exerted and plenty of stonewalling that can be accomplished in the meantime to water down the results of this probe.