I don't know how other guys besides ETP feel, but I just can't believe that the SI Swimsuit Issue used to be masturbation material. Sure, it's partly because my mind has progressively gotten way, way sicker since those teenage years, but damn, that doesn't even register in terms of stroke material anymore. It doesn't help that most of not all the models nowadays aren't hot, just kinda weird looking or downright scary.

No matter how pissed off I am at the flaccid left, I still can't get on board with Team Bush. Like I said -- appeal to my greed, like with lower taxes, and you've got a good chance of sucking me in even if I've come out in support of taxes in the past. But I can't get behind the social agenda. I can't ride the Jesus train to Born-Again Junction. I'm not thrilled with Bush promising to spend imaginary "capital" while he continues to gamble with economic stability, lives, and American credibility.

Even if I'm flip-flopping in some areas, these past few months have helped cement one thing at my core that's never changed: the fact that I hate everyone (except for a handful of people and Fluke).

You don't need to know why this is funny, you just need to know that it's funny.

With a little love...

I suspect that virtually no-one checks the Fe guestbook (and I mean, why would you, unless you want to read shit worse than what I normally write), but a new gem showed up today from someone who goes by the name of Elisa:

I want to poop on the heads of anyone who belongs to or endorses the ACLU or Planned Parenthood (what a joke- like anyone who goes there thought about parenthood before hand) They are baby murdering scumbags.

I'm not sure if Elisa put "10" in the site rating field to express her opinion on my site or her age. I think it's the latter, because otherwise, I really can't see anyone outside of Triumph the Insult Comic dog (or Eminem) talking about their desire to "poop" on anyone else. Yeah, calling it "Planned Parenthood" is a bullshit euphemism, but I make no secret of being down with the baby killers all the same. I'm also a fan (in many cases, at least) of nigger-loving ACL-Jew (please go check your Onion archives to explain that one). I mean, really. The American CIVIL LIBERTIES Union. What a bunch of fuck-offs for defending one of the things we hold (or held) most dear. So clearly, the "10" was not intended to express approval for my site.

I'll bet you Jesus has sucked some cock

Yeah, they are totally right. Children have no business being exposed to vile filth like diversity and acceptance of others. Being tolerant of other people is unacceptable; that sounds like something Christ might do.

Seriously, these people need to be killed. In front of their families, of course! Gotta keep the family unit together.

If you don't like gays, fine, then don't. Ignorance is not something you should strive for, but it's not illegal. So just leave everyone else alone, for Christ's fucking sake. Whether or not someone else is gay has no bearing on your life. You really need to find yourself some new hobbies if you're getting all bent out of shape over something that has nothing to do with anything as far as your life is concerned.

But it's an abomination in the eyes of the Lord! If it's such a concern to him, then let him come down here and take care of it himself for once. But you know what? He isn't going to because he either A) doesn't care or B) doesn't exist. Or maybe Jesus even likes gays. Did you dipshits ever think of that?

Maybe the Democrats heard me. Whatever. It's pretty obvious at this point that I just don't care enough to get any interesting political bitching going. But hey, who wants to bet that John Kerry votes for Rice once it goes to the full Senate?

Joe Biden could be cool, but he isn't. Bush's second inaugural today blah blah blah. The Bush twins are still looking pretty fuckable.

This particular Red Meat came up in conversation recently.

Anybody follow any of the confirmation hearings for Condoleezza Rice? What a fucking waste of time that whole charade is. I mean, we all know which way Republicans are going to vote. But then you have pretty much every Democrat conceding that she's just going to get confirmed anyway once it goes on to the full Senate. Thanks for nothing, guys. The Democrats should just change their name to the Rubber Stamp Party and get it over with.

Two Democrats on the Foreign Relations committee voted against approving Rice -- Barbara Boxer of California and relatively unknown John Kerry from Massachusetts. Boxer kinda tried to pick a fight, but as usual, it's too little, too late. I also liked Rice's request to "refrain from impugning my integrity." And I'm like, fuck you, bitch. Fuck all you bitches. None of you have any goddamn integrity, from Condi to Barb to the rest of that room to the whole fucking town. So get off it already.

So cute to see John Kerry trying to do something. It's like, Jesus Christ, John. You're not running for anything anymore, so just fucking go after her, you god damn pussy. How does it feel to not be getting inaugurated tomorrow?

It doesn't really matter to me one way or another if Condi gets installed at State -- if she didn't, someone else close to the administration would be. But the Democrats could at least put up some kind of a fight, or do a better job of pointing out how lame it is for someone so close to Bush to be getting the job over there. I do at least have confidence that Rice is both smart as well as capable, and good or bad, she won't be the pussy that Colin Powell was.

Let's move on to rubber stamping Torture Guy, shall we?

And fantasies.

OJ Simpson's daughter got arrested. Not really very interesting, but I think I need to talk more OJ around here.

Two teenage girls told police that Simpson hit them in the face, but they declined to press charges, authorities said.

Did those two girls know who Sydney's dad is? If so, it's no wonder that they didn't press charges -- they didn't want to get Juiced.

Pretty much says it all.

For anyone who's even somewhat into video games, have you ever noticed that the Nintendo Lamecube controller is the biggest piece of shit ever? What the fuck is up with the button configuration? It's like a PlayStation Dual Shock threw up on itself.

Although I thought for sure that Sony would come up with a new controller when they transitioned from PS1 to PS2, they decided not to fuck with a good thing. Why couldn't Nintendo have worked off of the N64 controller? Using it nowadays feels kinda awkward, but it's still a pretty good setup. I mean, the fucking Z button for christ's sake. The trigger, which actually feels like a trigger.

The LameCube controller is even worse than the original XBox controller. You know, the one they claimed that they did tons and tons of user testing to develop, only to realize that it was a fucking monstrosity so they had to come out with the "Controller S," which is actually quite nice. But yeah, lots of users tested that original one. Who was their testing base? A bunch of insomniac retard monkeys being bred for the exclusive purpose of palming large objects who just happened to have live soldering irons shoved up their asses? Those are pretty much the only "users" I could see giving a thumbs up to the big-ass original. But at least Microsoft got it right in the end.

What brought this diatribe on was the fact that ETP got one of those Game Boy Players, which allows you to play Lame Boy Advance games on the Cube. We played way more Super Mario Brothers 3 than should be allowed considering that we first played it like 15 years ago. I mean, that's a long god damn time. I was making jokes tonight that predate even our friendship, and we've known one another since the beginning of time.

Even though you only need two buttons to play SMB3, I still couldn't help but scoff at and complain about that awful button setup. Generalizing as always, I was like, how the hell could Japan screw something up so badly? I mean, they always do things well -- isolationist feudal society to major world player in like 30 years, schoolgirls, Honda, just to name a few things -- so what gives? ETP quickly reminded me that it's Nintendo, and, well, they have a tendency to always fuck something big up with their systems. Like the N64 being yet another fucking cartridge system. Or the Advance not having a lit screen. Or the Advance SP being a dumbass fucking design. Clamshell? Uncomfortable square shape? Why couldn't you idiots just add a frontlight to the very nice original design? Oh yeah, because you're Nintendo. I know you people have engineers running around over there, FIX IT.

LameCube is the worst of the three major consoles right now as far as I'm concerned, although I am not a huge gamer so it's not as if I have mad street cred. But, of course, I do have better taste than everyone else. Still, not even the GayStation makes me happy in light of the AssBox. XBox is just a good fucking system. Being a Linux junkie, it should be hard to admit such adoration for a Microsoft product, but it isn't. I guess my descent into Republicanism was a long time coming.

Yahoo search:

cnn porn sick dog

Wow, the liberal media has gotten really.. Liberal.

I am a huge whore

So Fe has gone commercial. Sorta. Just like when we "went commercial" with the Fe store that no one ever buys anything from. Anyway, I got an e-mail from the guy who runs JList (a place where some of my money has gone in the past, as some of you may recall), and he wanted me to put up an ad for JList on my site. So, after dicking around for I don't know how long in typical BLM fashion, I finally went ahead and did it. Shouldn't be too obtrusive, but let me know if it's fucked up in terms of where it is on the sidebar. It's right where I want it in Mozilla, and I'm too lazy to fire up Windows to see if it's where it should be in IE. Also, from what I've seen, the randomly rotating ad occasionally shows a product with nudity. If this is some kind of issue for people at work, we can figure something out.

I'm not getting any ad revenue out of this, but instead a link back which I think might be more useful since I don't really get what you'd call a ton of hits here (or maybe I just fell for it). Sure, traffic has been coming on like gangbusters lately (to the tune of 150-200 hits a day) for some reason despite hardly posting, but those are mostly Google related. If traffic does start becoming decent due to things other than random pedophiles or dogfuckers looking for porn, I might consider mixing in some Google ads or something else (probably on the sidebar as well) to see if it actually generates any money (which it probably won't). Rest assured, I have no plans to put up annoying banner ads, unless of course if annoying banner ads could make me decent money. Either way, they won't be like the ones that have been in the guestbook (which I have no control over unless I want to pay for a guestbook, which I don't and won't), again, unless of course if said ads would also make me money.

Oh wait, I'm sorry, intelligent design is based on some things after all: pseudo-reasoning along with out-and-out bullshit.

You know, Darwin himself could show up tomorrow and say "Hey, guys, you know what? I led you all on the completely wrong path, just as a joke. Sorry about that," and belief in creationism would still be stupid.

I also find amusement in the term "intelligent design." Well, amusement right after the anger over such a bullshit euphemism. Intelligent design? I'm an engineer; I can show you some guys who are capable of intelligent design. But if God really designed all of this shit -- complete with things like wars, disease, pollution, poverty, and no real sense of justice in the world -- then he is a fucking retard and his bullshit "design" couldn't win a 3rd grade science fair.

Oops, science? What the hell am I talking about? It's not like there's any study or proof to back any of that shit up; it's just all blind belief that you buy into because your parents and some child molester in a robe scared you into believing it. My bad.

A CBS/New York Times poll at the time of the election found 55% of Americans believed God created humans in their present form, 27% believed in evolution guided by God and only 13% believed God was not involved in human evolution. And 65% backed teaching creationism alongside evolution.

Yeah, and 100% of people are stupid. You have the people who believe in nonsense like creationism, and the rest of us who are too stupid to put an end to bullshit like that.

"Religion has nothing to do with intelligent design."

Either that, or, it has everything to do with it. I hate people who are so willing to lie through their fucking teeth like this. If we didn't have religion, this intelligent design shit would have never come about.

Does evolution explain every single fucking thing with no holes whatsoever? Well, no. But at least it's based on something. Intelligent design, on the other hand, says what? "Life on earth is too complex to have developed at random." That's pretty much it; there's nothing to back up or qualify the statement. Why does complexity automatically exclude randomness? Oh yeah, it doesn't. This is the kind of empty, meaningless, and ultimately unjustified kind of nonsense that you'd expect from a religious person. What it's really saying is "we're too dumb to even begin to understand this, so let's just punt and say that someone really powerful did it." Of course, this is part of how we got religion in the first place. We didn't get it, so we made shit up to comfort ourselves.

These people are so bloody small-minded that they cannot grasp the concept of things happening sloooooowwwwwwwwwwwlllllyyyyy over millions and billions of years. Many of them really seem to believe that evolutionists think that one day, suddenly and without provocation, a monkey gave birth to a modern human being. But, of course, these are the same dumbfucks who think that the whole earth was created in one week back in like 1922 or something. I don't know why I bother talking about this since anyone who agrees with this, well, already agrees with this, and anyone who doesn't never will. But if I didn't preach to the choir, I wouldn't have a 'blog. Not that there isn't something to be said for that.

That's okay, it was all worth it, and, well, no it wasn't. This isn't really news for anyone who's been paying attention for awhile, plus I still can't get excited one way or another about politics, but figured it was worth posting since the whole WMD bullshit was part of what started this 'blog. Still, it's fucking sad to see the most powerful nation in the world having fucked itself just so it could run a bunch of "wild goose chases."

Return to prominence

Okay, we may as well get this over with. I was about to stop posting entirely (for awhile longer) just to spite someone who told me I needed to post, but I also don't want ETP to have to keep using code phrases like "your recent purchase" in anticipation of an upcoming "big post."

So guess what, everyone? You don't have to hear anymore bullshit about the 3 Series I want to get. Now, should I care enough to post, you're going to have to hear about my 3 Series. Yeah, that's right: it's Bimmertime.

My name's Bitter Little Man. I drive a Bimmer.

So I initially wrote up this huge post about the saga of Project 3 Series over the past few months, but it really wasn't all that funny. If anyone really wants to hear about it, just say the word, and everyone else can blame you, not me, for the post that ensues. It's pretty much ready to go as we speak.

After an aborted attempt to satisfy my spoiled desires back in December, I finally just went for it last weekend. The low-down:

BMW 330i
Imola red exterior
Black leather
Performance Package (ZHP)
Cold weather package (ZCW)
Aluminum silver cube trim
Xenon (HID) headlamps
Six. Speed. Manual.

I probably don't need to say this, but I like the new ride better than everything and nearly everyone. What have you done for me lately? Nothing. What has the car done for me lately? Guess.

I think your typical 330 driver is changing for the better. And by "changing for the better," I mean "staying exactly the same."

Here's a breakdown of why I chose what I chose. This will give even more true insight as to how big of an asshole and just how bad and shallow of a person I am.

When BMW dropped lease rates (yes, I'm leasing) back in December, I was like "Hey, fuck the 325, I can swing a 330!" So that was the end of the 325. Project 3 Series became Project 330. Then I test drove cars that had the ZHP. ZHP stands for "Zee HorsePowaaaa!!!." Either that, or all of BMW's packages start with "Z" and are followed by a two-letter acronym, and "ZPP" was already taken by the premium package. Project 3 Series became Project ZHP.

The ZHP is beyond fun. It trades a bit of the luxury and elegance of the regular 3 Series (hereafter referred to by its German designation, 3er, to save typing whenever I feel like it) and turns it into, as BMW's literature says, an "aggressive 'sport car'". Modest changes to the engine for more horsepower and torque, an exclusive color (the Imola) and fabric available along with exclusive trims, a slick-as-shit M3-esque body kit, some nice 18" wheels, a short-throw shifter, and other things to distinguish it from the rest of the 330 offerings make it a perfect compromise.

I initially wasn't going to get the ZHP because -- horror! -- you can't get it from the factory with wood trim. For awhile, I was wedded to getting an Oxford green exterior with bullshit wood trim inside. Relationships change, because...

It's not just the luxury, it's the performance.

I all but gave up on wood trim after I had a damn-near religious experience driving a car with the ZHP. I mean, seriously, after that test drive, I wasn't the same. I was changed. And it was even a shitty automatic! Then ETP and I drove a ZHP with a six-speed, and it was all over. Anything less would be shit. ETP wouldn't respect anything less, and I'd rather drive the Civic until the end of time before getting anything less. So I didn't settle for less.

The ZHP is fast. Not, say, WRX STi fast, but pretty damn good for a sedan turned aggressive sport car. The theoretical 0-60 of about six seconds is good enough for me. Oh, and it sounds really nice thanks to the throatier engine and exhaust. The suspension is delightfully tight (I'll dispense with any jokes about underage girls here, and, fuck, there goes that), but still giving a ride that's not too rough on normal roads. The front, side, and rear underbody spoilers and 18" wheels look great, even if they now have me terrified of curbs (broken front spoiler) and huge potholes (bent rims). And the Imola red color is just perfect.

235 horsepower standard (for the biggest assholes).

Getting the cold weather package was a no-brainer, since I wanted heated front seats and a fold-down rear seat (which, as I've said before, is sadly an option). The headlight washers are a nice bonus.

So, in addition to getting a car that only assholes drive, getting the "fast" 330, and getting it in red, why am I so shallow and such a huge prick? Well, I haven't talked about leather or xenons, have I?

At first, I was just going to get the base upholstery for the ZHP -- a combination of cloth and Alcantara (a suede-like material). It's a pretty nice setup, it's unique amongst the 330 sedans in that only the ZHP has it, and it doesn't cost extra like leather. But the thing is, I didn't want anyone to be able to look down on me for getting a Bimmer, considered a luxury (or at least near or entry level luxury) car, without leather seats. I didn't want to have to explain to any passengers why I have cloth instead of leather in my car. I did not want any inferiority complexes with my new car. So I got leather.

One night I was driving down highway 36, and all of a sudden some bright-ass lights appeared in my rear-view. I'm saying to myself "Who the hell is this fuck?" And then a short time later, the fuck with the bright lights blows past me, and I see that he's driving -- what else? -- a 3er. I wanted to be that guy, that asshole. So I got Xenons.

So yeah, that's it. Project 3 Series 330 ZHP is now finished. Now we're on to discretionary spending: off. Which is fine. Like I said a few months back, I could either have a bunch more toys, games, DVDs, porn, and photobooks, or I could have the Ultimate Driving Machine. Silly me chose the Ultimate Driving Machine.

Now, really, all I have to do is plan for the inevitable future where I get laid off and get totally fucked, but until then, we have some fun. We have fun driving, and when not driving, occasionally going down to the garage just to LOOK AT IT!!!!!. Yup, I'm an asshole. I got a car based on reasons that were 50% image, and 50% suspension. But finally, I am the asshole I was always meant to be. Now, I have the tools, and I have the talent.

Price: way too goddamn much. Fuck your best offer.

So, what's next? Well, now we need to work on the Bimmerfication of those around me. BOETP is already set, as she's eyeing an X3 Special Victims Unit. ETP is thinking about a used M roadster (since the Z4 sucks ass and they don't even make an ///M version of it) or the beast that is the M5. Once that transition is finished, then look out, world. Look the fuck out. Self-entitled pretentious assholes are out in force (either that or parking our cars at one another's respective houses and then sitting around). Until then, we can make do with my ZHP, ETP's RSX-S, and, uh, BOETP looks good in the front seat of the RSX (learn to drive stick and set the Cavalier on fire and collect the insurance).

Oh, and you know what? Fuck that Audi I had for awhile. It doesn't even register anymore. For anyone curious, here and here are a couple of pictures of what my car looks like. That isn't my car, but it's the ZHP and the color I got (although the red looks better in person). Also, of course, there will be a different tool sitting in the driver's seat of mine.

Finally, I go in to change my voter registration later this week.

Since, for the moment, I'm down with posting, there was a strory last week about a guy who is suing Fear Factor because he's claiming that an episode in which the contestants were forced to eat rats made him throw up. I know what you're thinking already, so be sure to carefuly read this so that you can see the extra special twist. Hopefully you won't have a seizure/outburst like ETP did when I brought it up at lunch one day, but if you do, it's perfectly understandable.

Yay, it's a new year. Here's to hoping for a 2005 that's as stupid and lame as 2004. I'm going to cap off the celebration by masturbating.

The only thing I find irritating about this is knowing that people actually cared about it. "Hey look! I'm turning someone's lights on and off over the internet!" How bankrupt does your life have to be to... Ah, fuck it. Christmas: it brings out the stupid in all of us.

One of these days I'm going to invent a device that we're going to start implanting in (nearly) all people. The device will be designed to explode whenever it senses that they're doing something really stupid. And by "whenever it senses that they're doing something really stupid" I mean "randomly." C'mon, you know it's still going to have a pretty good hit rate in terms of the original design specs considering how retarded humanity is.

Hey, I hate to be redundant with my posting, but I'm going to make this two posts in a row about Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. Why? Because this guy is a fucking genius. There are a ton of strips I've come across in the archive that are just bloody fantastic, but this one is beyond everything.

If you'd like an introduction to Drunk and Bitter Jesus, check out this strip. Or for a continuation, go here. If you're wondering what the fuck "furries" are, just go do a Google search. No, it's not some kind of bestiality thing (as far as I can tell) or necessarily even sexual (although I'm sure it goes that way for some of them, the fucking freaks) (Hey, I'm always accepting of other peoples' interests as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, but fuck it. May as well go after anyone I can. I mean, it's not like some dipshit in a moose costume is going to do anything about it.).

Also, a belated thanks for the holiday wishes a couple of commenters sent my way that I was previously too lazy to respond to. Sarah and Angie are alright, but the rest of you are assholes.

Finally, if you're wondering about the propriety of using "alright," suck on this.

Hey, if you're into tentacle monster rape and 36-year-olds trapped in a child's body who only get hit on by pedophiles, then this comic is for you. Found this via Sexy Losers, which I've linked in the past and is full of crude sexual humor that's actually amusing (as opposed to, say, what you can find here).

As sick as I am of everything, at least Maureen Dowd is still better than everyone.

Holiday Cheer

Google search:

illegal underage fuck

Here's another class of search engine hits that I hate. No, not pedophiles -- I am sadly immune to that thanks to A) the sheer volume of them who stray here via search engines and B) who I am. No, I hate ones like this because they're redundant, and inefficiency like that pisses me off. Illegal underage fuck? Of course it's illegal, you fucking nimrod. That kinda goes with the whole "underage" thing. Pick your damn knuckles up off the carpet and put them back on your dick already.

Also, if anyone has figured out legal underage fuck, please let me know.