Yay for Crypty!

Time to hit the head... Or get some.

Don't get excited, the crux of this post has absolutely nothing to do with getting blown. Yahoo search:

fuck in WC rooms

This gave me a great idea. I want to create a shitty teen drama for television, and I'll call it The WC.

"High five... Love head."
- Dane Cook

Google search:

terminator fetishes

Can this be any more involved than saying "I'll be back" once you pull out? Or maybe you turn yourself into a silvery liquid when you climax -- that might be kinda cool. Either way, if Agent Doggett were to show up while I was having sex (since I'm having so much of it), I'd be pissed. Richard Patrick's brother sucks.

There is seemingly no bound to the levels of hypocrisy and general dickheadedness that the religious right is capable of.

America's most powerful judges are "unelected, unaccountable and arrogant," Focus on the Family founder James Dobson told the thousands of people...

Unelected, unaccountable, and arrogant? Yeah, that doesn't sound like anyone else involved in this debate that we could name.

"All wisdom does not reside in nine persons in black robes."

Thanks, Tom, because clearly it does not reside with you.

The court is trying to "take the hearts and souls of our culture."

As opposed to what you're trying to do.

Fuck you pieces of shit. Oh, boo hoo, somebody disagrees with us and we can't have everything exactly our way, so we're going to bitch and moan and hold rallies until we get what we want. What a bunch of fucking children. Childish ideas, childish behavior. I mean, "Justice Sunday II"? That sounds like a wrestling special on Pay-Per-View, and it certainly doesn't sound like a gathering of enlightened adults. It's sad that you people are so far on the right with your bullshit that other Jesus lovers are saying things that I find myself in agreement with:

Rita Nakashima Brock, founder of Faith Voices for the Common Good, said "Justice Sunday II" was calling for a theocracy instead of democracy.

Yup, and...

"Those people meeting with Tom DeLay, Chuck Colson and Jim Dobson think they own the Bible and that God speaks only to them."

Yup. These far right fuckers should be put to sleep, not be left standing in a position of power and influence.

Okay, so I don't talk a whole lot of sports here because, despite being a guy, I don't care. For the 3,785th year in a row, baseball season is over early. At least the Cubs didn't give it any kind of a seemingly real shot before tanking like a couple of years ago, and other than a winning streak a couple of months back that gave us hope they pretty much just tanked. Football has pretty much been over since John Elway and Terell Davis left (yes, for those unfamiliar, I follow Chicago baseball and Denver football). Mike Shannahan is not the genius we once thought he was, as like all "great" coaches he was just a decent coach with Hall of Fame players. Jake Plummer is not going to get shit done for us, but I do want to have this conversation some day:

Me to some other fuck: They call him Jake... The Snake.
Jake Plummer: Nobody calls me that.

As ETP has pointed out, I still amusingly end up knowing a lot about what's going on in the sports world. Not because I care, but because I learn all kinds of minutiae from listening to Jim Rome. Actually, I haven't been listening much lately, either because I'm always getting up too late or because I keep forgetting about the show. Then there's the fact that Rome is on his yearly vacation streak right now, having taken two two-week vacations recently. And hey, that's fair. As he said, he took two weeks off, he worked for three, so it's time for another two weeks off. Anyway, I really don't care to listen when there's someone guest hosting. I am pretty pissed that I missed the Sklar brothers guest hosting recently, because those guys are funny. Maybe I should tune in sometime when Andrew Siciliano is guest hosting, though, because he might be funny. Here were a couple of nuggets that they had posted on JFR's site from the most recent show which Siciliano hosted. Here was his comment on Terell Owens:

"T.O. needs to shut his mouth and play football."

There are a lot of things that can, and have, been said about Terell (again, pronounce it Tuh-rell, not Tear'll, because that pisses him off) Owens, but this is the simplest and most succinct. I don't know much about what goes on in the NFL, but I do know that Owens is a fucking dipshit. There's no doubt that the guy plays well and plays fucking hard -- I mean the man re-habbed a broken leg in like three days to come back and be an actual contributor for his team in the Super Bowl. But man, not a day goes by where it's not some stupid bullshit coming from him. Oh, and he believes in God and Jesus and stuff, so that makes him even stupider.

Then there was this from Siciliano:

Jim Rome will be back in the Jungle on Monday and somebody called during Friday's show and said, "Andrew, this is the first time I've ever gotten through. Thanks for taking my call."

I wonder if it really counts. Like we're still doing the show, but does it really count if you get on the air and Jim Rome isn't here? Can you say you actually made it through? Does it really count if Romey isn't here?

Some people consider it a badge of honor to be able to get on the Jim Rome Show, but I'm filling in and my name isn't Jim Rome.

Isn't this like pulling a prank on the substitute teacher? Does it even count?

Some poor schmuck is all happy that he finally got on the air, and Siciliano just totally takes a dump all over it. That's funny.

Yes, I've been swimming in raw sewage... I love it!

Okay, so I was just looking around the Crocs website, and I came across this model, which is still unacceptable -- ugly is ugly. Get yourself some real fucking shoes. Then there was this customer testimonaial on the page:

"We just went to Cozumel, Mexico and we were hit by Hurricaine Emily. We had to evacuate our hotel before it hit & knew that our Crocs would be our best protective & most comfortable shoe. We were in a hurricane shelter for 2 days & 2 nights & never took our Crocs off except to sleep. The conditions were awful with no running water or toilet facilites & the bathroom floors were covered with overflow from the toilets. But we were known around the shelter as "that Croc family". Most of the Americans had never seen Crocs or heard of them before that horrific incident. We were asked at least once an hour where we got our Crocs & where they could get some. I, of course, proudly told them to got to the Crocs website & did a little promotional all about our Crocs. We were so blessed to have worn them & they even saved my feet from a 2 inch piece of glass that I pulled out of the sole of my Croc, but it never went through to my foot. When we finally made it home, I threw them in the washing machine, shined them up & they look great. Through it all they protected our feet from every kind of danger in the streets, kept us cooler, & even with the bathroom conditions the way they were, they never smelled. Thank you for Crocs, We Love Them."

Wow, nothing says "I want some of those ugly pieces of shit" like thinking about actual pieces of shit all over the bathroom floor. And you know, they have a bunch of holes in them, and they pretty much just slip on. I don't see that keeping your feet very clean once that, uh, overflow gets too deep or starts splashing around. And when you got home, you just washed them? You were traipsing around in other people's piss and shit, and you put them in your suitcase and then brought them home and put them in the washing machine? Your family is disgusting. Personally, I would have set them on fire and left them back in Mexico. Assuming, of course, that I had been dumb enough to buy them in the first place, which I wouldn't have been.

What kind of idiot lets themselves and their family get stuck in a hurricane, anyway? I wouldn't take shit from hurricanes -- I would punch every hurricane in the face.

Speaking of racist jokes...

Also, for my money, there's not much that's funnier than this week's "New Distressed Jeans Feature Broken-In Cameltoe," which I'm preserving here for posterity's sake:



What I find myself wondering is, did they just have some fun with Photoshop on that one, or did they actually find someone wearing jeans like that?

Yes, people who wear Polo are a race

Hey, if you're gonna get going with the soft racism jokes, may as well go the full nine and not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.

So I just got racially profiled by GMail. The ad it was giving me at the top of the main mail index just a few minutes ago was for Polo.com. While I have talked about the Power of the Horse here on the 'blog, I don't know if I have any Ralph-related e-mail threads in there. I'm guessing it saw stuff like my BMW CCA mailing list messages and thought, hey, this guy likes blowing money on excess, so he must like Polo. GMail is always thinking. And of course, it's totally right. Like I've mentioned before with the Spam index, when I go there I want to barf, and GMail, always thinking, puts that link up above for some disgusting SPAM casserole idea.

I would be OK with the spam I get if it was more targeted like this. Sure, it's kind of a creepy invasion of privacy, but do you know what kind of information credit card companies keep on you? I don't know the details, but someone I knew who had visited American Express simply described their databases as "scary." Since we have no privacy anyway, I may as well get junk e-mails for shit that I might actually care about. I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm fine with my small dick and the volume of my ejaculations, so you're never going to get anywhere with that. Send me more shit about The Horse, and when I say "The Horse" I mean the one stitched onto my shirt, not the one supposedly in some s!ut's pssuy.

I now expect to wake up tomorrow to a shitload of e-mails from Ralph, in addition to all the ejaculation and porn ones I already get.

Another thing that needs to be stopped? Crocs and any "shoes" in that style. I don't care how bloody comfortable they might be, it is time you allow yourself a little bit of discomfort so that I have something nice to look at. It being summertime, there are plenty of girls running around in shorts and skirts and whatnot. Once I see this, the leg man in me is already happy (well, assuming what's being supported by said legs is nice). And then the foot fetishist in me gets very excited knowing that there might be some kind of open-toed footwear action going on further down below. But far too many times have I thought this might be the case, only to look down and find a pair of those awul, awful things on her feet. It's really frustrating. Girls: shoes are supposed to be your thing. How can you allow this to happen? If you can't put on something nice, just go barefoot. It's uncivilized, but hey... I won't complain.

Well, unless if you're in the car. For some reason, I hate anyone having bare feet up on the dash or hanging out the window, even if it's a girl with nice feet. Show some fucking respect, put your goddamn shoes on, and keep them on the floor where they belong. Just one of those weird things about me.

Oh, and for men who wear these stupid fucking things, well, they just look fucking dumb. My sense of style is offended, but my sense of humor is not. So I could go either way on that front. Plus, a lot of guys out there are lucky to be able to get dressed as it is, and I don't have any emotional investment in male footwear besides my own. But you ladies need to knock it the fuck off with those rubber shitshoes.

I was taking a piss the other day and I was thinking to myself, with the wars aside, are we back to where we were before September 11th? We're not worried about terrorist strikes here at home (but we're guarding those UK-related sites, just in case!) and we're so wrapped up in stupid crap (you'll notice that shark attacks are big once again, just like pre-9/11) that Osama could be ready to put his cock in any one of our asses and we wouldn't know until it was too late, or a commercial. I'm not sure why this came to mind at that particular time, but it does seem appropriate. Anyway, with things like this, we're that much closer. On one hand it's like, yup, we're complacent again. On the other hand it's like, good, that shit is a waste of time. You can make people take their shoes off until you're blue in the balls, but when the terrorists decide to strike again they'll find ways around whatever ineffective measures you have in place.

... only passengers who set off metal detectors, are flagged by a computer screening system or look "reasonably suspicious" would be asked to do so...

Well, I know that things like "look reasonably suspicious" won't lead to any problems. I like Bill Maher's idea, in that we need a Secret Service for the airports. A group of highly trained professionals who are good at watching people and being able to pick the one or two out of the crowd and say "that fucker's trouble." Of course, that's gonna cost money, and considering the quality of people that they're willing to pay for, we know the chances of anyone fronting the jack for that kind security are nil.

"The process is designed to stimulate creative thinking and challenge conventional beliefs."

No, it's about cutting back the number of complaints that you people have to deal with, so just cop to it and let's all move on. It would be nice if we really did get some creative thinking, though, but again, that'll cost 'ya. Some common sense would be nice, and theoretically not that costly. I mean, really, there are tons and tons of people who you just know won't do anything. Like me, for instance. Being the brick shithouse that I am, they should just know that I'm not going to hurt anyone. I know, I know... "Not if they saw your 'blog, BLM." Look, I may be angry (and believe me, I have so much to be angry about, being able to fly around town in that car of mine and whatnot), but crashing a plane into a building or just plain blowing it up doesn't accomplish any goals of mine. Especially not with ME ON IT.

With all due respect to many of the Jap "shitboxes" out there... And that entire group of people I just slandered (twice).

That 330i is so agile that it's not even funny. Like I said, I still suck at launches from a dead-stop, and even with that higher weight the 7er can fucking move. This is coupled with the fact that the way the 3 Series is set up, it's not good for drag racing -- and this is an opinion coming from people who know shit about shit, not just me making excuses. But once I get into traffic and have to start maneuvering, I am king. Apparently. Man, that was fucking fun. I really, really shouldn't be doing that. And it's not like I'm going to make a habit of it -- but the 7er wanted some, so like the smart kid that I am I took the bait. Assholes represent. And my girl more than held her own against a $70,000 machine. No no no, let me specify -- a $70,000 BMW. She didn't fall back until I decided, okay, time to go back to being a pussy since we're a little too close to downtown and potential speed traps, which at 100 even my radar detector might not be too much of a help with. But still -- that was fucking great. Hey, no tickets, no one died, no accidents, and some guy in a Lancer got to pretend he was someone.

I am so hard on that poor car, but I just can't help it. I guess I'm one of those guys who shows his love through abuse. Hey, if she didn't like it rough, she wouldn't have that sexy six-speed. She wouldn't have that delightfully tight suspension if she didn't want a little. Or a lot. She wouldn't have tires that can grip like no other and a nor a top speed of 155 MPH if she wasn't a naughty girl. Hey, even if I drive her hard, I take good care of her, thank you very much. She's washed regularly, gets good gas, early oil changes, and stays garaged every chance I get (just ask ETP whenever he drives us somewhere). Really, though, I've gotta continue to get better with that car, because she does deserve better. Regardless of how I show my affection, I've realized that I may have nicer cars in the future and I may have faster cars in the future, but I will never love any of them like this one.

Best quiz I've seen in awhile.

Google search:

meet a girl to fuck in colorado springs

Well, I'm sure you can find one to spout off a bunch of stupid shit about Jesus, but that isn't exactly conducive to getting your freak on.

Unlike that woman from a few days ago, the woman in this week's useless big story probably won't be showing up on page 39 anytime soon. I'm gonna bust you out of prison and kill a corrections officer for you -- that's true love right there. And true love, as it often is, is fucking stupid. Before, you were just a freaky looking woman with a convict husband who got shitcanned from a job because of said husband, and now you're a freaky looking woman with a convict husband who got shitcanned from a job because of said husband who is also going to jail for jailbreak and murder. Hope that was worth it.

Speaking of "big stories," the stupid shuttle is back. Personally, I hope we never launch another shuttle again. I'm not against science and all that nerdy shit (obviously), but I can't take another go-round of this stupid crap. I know that it won't be like this unless if something else blows up, but still, I don't want to risk anymore fake drama. There's already enough of that in the media as it is. If nothing else, we had better go back to thinking that the space shuttle is boring with nobody giving a fuck about its comings and goings.

What kind of a fucking idiot puts a Mini on the same list as a Gullwing? Fuck the Mini -- I don't care how cute it supposedly is. And if you're one of those people who has a Mini and thinks you have a BMW just because BMW owns Mini, you don't.

HTH

Google search:

sonic lolicon

Whoa, this is like, the best idea ever. Going to Sonic to feed both the need for tasty burgers and my Lolita complex? What's not to like about that? Yeah, yeah, the drive to cut back on these types of jokes is still going poorly, but this time it's the fault of some Google fuck, not me.

I of course say this assuming that there are any decent Sonic burger joints left out there, because I think it's been almost two years since I've been to one. Back in the day, Sonic was the fucking best. I wouldn't get to go as often as some of the other fast food places because they weren't as wide-spread. Typically, Sonic would only show up in some total shit town, like Rocky Ford or Pueblo. Okay, Pueblo isn't that bad -- I should know since that's where I'm originally from -- it's just not that great. And while Rocky Ford has its cantaloupes, it's out in the middle of nowhere. But I digress, so back to Sonic.

Yeah, Sonics were few and far between when I was growing up, and they were never in the major cities. There was one in Pueblo, but it was closer to downtown (or what passes for our downtown)and I was a south-side kid. When ETP and I were at CU, we'd hit the one in Lafayette from time to time. That was when Sonic was starting to show up all over the place, though, and the quality of the food was in decline. At that point, it seemed as if the shit towns would have the good Sonics, and the bigger towns would have the lousy ones. I don't know what the situation is like today.

I knew it was pretty much all over (or at least that it would be sometime soon) when I first saw a Sonic with a drive-thru. Up until a few years ago, they were strictly car-hop, with the exception of a couple of tables if you wanted to sit outside. Shit, even A&W abandoned car hops way back in the 80s (or at least the ones I knew of), but Sonic was hard core... For awhile longer. Those drive-thrus are pure blasphemy. That doesn't mean I haven't used them, but that doesn't mean that I'm happy with myself, either. It's like beating off thinking about your sister. It's not really hurting anyone, right? And no one has to know about it, at least not until you blabber it to the world on your 'blog. Actually, I don't even have a sister, so I'm good to go on that front. I do have a stepsister, though, who is incredibly hot, or at least she was until she came out of the closet and started making herself look like a boy. For those of you with a real, blood related sister, however: you're welcome.

Alright, so when I started this post, I knew it wasn't going to be good because of the lolicon thing, but I didn't know it would get into reminiscing and that. So we'll get back to something a bit more normal. Another thing that used to be great about Sonic? Other than your horrible, horrible shame, of course, which I find hilarious. They hired, hands down, some of the hottest girls to work as car hops. Now, they weren't all attractive, but when they found a hottie they found a motherfuc goddamn hottie. The same goes for Outback Steakhouse -- I have seen some bloody cute hostesses working at a couple of their restaurants. Again, they're not all hot, but when they do it they do it right. No rules, in fact. Just right.

There's a hot one working at the Outback near me, in fact, but there's no way in hell I'm hitting on her. Let's just say that my track record with trying to pick up the hostess at Outback is not stellar. Part of me really wants to want to, though. I mean, think about that: a hot girlfriend, and being able to get cut a deal on good steak? It doesn't get much better than that, my friends (aside from bugers and lolis, of course). But I have no skills, so that too will remain a fantasy.

I'm expecting to see this woman on page 39 sometime in the near future. My first reaction is, how do you fuck that up? Assuming it wasn't on purpose, of course -- that's always a possibility. But really, once I think about how guys are, I'm like, that's about right. You know who I really blame for that situation? The daughter. Unless if she was asleep, why wasn't there a "Where's mommy?" from her? Man, that woman's family hates her.

One of those posts

Look, it's not my fault, it's fucking Google people who do this. It's not like I could refrain from posting it, nor would I ever just search for excuses to bring up fucked up shit even without search engines. Google search:

appliances "getting fucked by" -animals, -dogs, -horses

This one speaks for itself, only it doesn't. Getting fucked by appliances? Or someone or something fucking appliances? What is this, the video for Sexx Laws? Unless if they're small -- i.e. handheld -- appliances, I'm not sure how appliance fucking would really be accomplished anyway. And why did they feel the need to exclude results involving animals? Is there some big crossover between appliance fucking and bestiality that makes it necessary? I know you're looking at me as if I should know the answer, but I don't. I haven't even heard people talk about that in chatrooms, so it's gotta be way out there. As opposed to, you know, animal or appliance fucking on their own, which are both totally mainstream. Well, like I said, you can make a case for appliances, but a vibrator discussion is left as an exercise to the reader.

I put nads on all my action figures

This isn't that funny, but it's good for a chuckle:



Okay, I dunno about you, but the more I watch it, the funnier it gets.

Another satisfied customer

Yahoo search:

I want to kill my boyfriend

Okay, so it's mildly amusing that someone was so pissed at their boyfriend that they actually ran this search. What really got me, though, is that they got to my site from page 39 of the search results. Assuming that they went through pages 1-38, I'm really wondering what this guy did to get his SO so pissed off. Oh, and just fucking break up with him. I don't know much about relationships, but I do know that page 39 is not a sign of something that's gonna last.

Okay, so I'm back on totally fucked up goofy schedule. It's 7 AM, and when most people are starting it up, I'm shutting it down. And no, not because I was up all night beating off in chat rooms. Not this morning, at least. I was bloody productive at work, and soon I'm going to pass out and then get up for Friday without having to worry about work for the rest of the day. I'm either really stupid or a total genius. Either way, technically, I'm as hard as steel. And it's always nice to get in a good Star Trek joke when you're about ready to die.

Why does he keep doing that with his shoulders?

I'm shamelessly ripping off this link from ETP, who in turn ripped it off from Cake. You can thank me later when you can't get it out of your head, even if you don't know whether or not it's comprised of real words because you're an ignorant monolingual. Seriously, you can't tell me that isn't the best new song you've heard in awhile, and the best video you've seen in a long while. Considering the utter shit that's out there, that last statement was made with no sarcasm whatsoever. Okay, maybe a little.

Okay, so I've mentioned the sex-advice column Savage Love before. I've even linked this particular column in the past. But since I don't make a habit of re-linking things around here, I'll go for it -- just this once. Hey, Dan Savage is on vacation, so this is what they're currently running. It's worth it, anyway, for... All of it. This particular set of letters was my first exposure to Savage Love many many years ago, and it was a helluva a way to start.

Yahoo search:

fuck up the vagina

I don't think it's possible to fuck the vagina up -- any more, that is. That thing is already too complicated.

ETP, if you remember Dane Cook's line about cow tongues, post it in a comment. I surely would have put it here if I knew it off the top of my head.

Yahoo search:

fucking while cutting hair

This is simultaneously the funniest and scariest thing I've heard recently. I mean, seriously, I never even thought of combining sex with haircutting, to say nothing of it being something one could get turned on over. I just don't tend to mix scissors with sex. This brings us to why it's a fightenting prospect, which speaks for itself.