All Danforth ever wanted was a water slide

When Iraqis or soldiers out in the real Iraq hear about shit like this, they've gotta be pretty pissed. People are out there getting blown up regularly but the Green Zone is fucking awesome. Somewhere in the Green Zone you'll find two turntables and a microphone because apparently that place is where it's at. Shit, reading that I almost wanna go over there and work in the Green Zone. Until I have to start kissing ass and praising "the mission," then I'm out.

I also found this amusing:

The atmosphere was thick with sexual tension. At the bar, there were usually 10 men to every woman. With tours of duty that sometimes stretched to six months without a home leave, some with wedding rings began to refer to themselves as "operationally single."

That's pretty solid.

You know all those stupid assholes who show up here trying to find ways they can give themselves the hiccups? I'm sure this girl would be more than happy to trade places with any one of them. Having the hiccups for three weeks and counting would be a fucking nightmare.

I don't really have a reason to post this other than it just showed up as one of the "related articles" to an Onion page I was reading. Not that one ever needs an excuse to re-set one of the all-time great Onion articles.

I suppose I could make it topical by delving into the recent controversy stirred up by John Amaechi coming out of the closet or what Tim Hardaway had to say in response. Of course, I don't think we really need to have me go into how I feel since we all know how I feel when it comes to gays and dumbass homophobes. This sums things up pretty well for me, too. I would add that I'm glad Hardaway said that he "hates" gays, because, once again, I appreciate honesty and like knowing just how ignorant people really are. Yup, he's entitled to his opinion, even if he's stupid. There's just no logical reason to get bent out of shape over something that has no discernible impact on you whatsoever.

Way to get with last century's program, idiots. I know I'm all uppity and stuff because I'm educated and I learned things and shit, but sometimes people are wrong and the rest of us are right.

And Greg Lassey, a retired Wichita-area biology teacher, said the new standards undermine families by "discrediting parents who reject materialism and the ethics and morals it fosters."

Whatever, Wichitard. No, I did not come up with that on my own, but yes, I've been waiting for awhile to break that one off.

Alright, it's only been a few minutes of editing and less than a dozen posts, and I've already got going what has to be one of the more offensive sets of tags, ERRRRR, labels. Yeah, this isn't degenerating quickly.

Just to make this post slightly less useless, I'll reference my Valentine's post from a few years back since I will never be able to top that, nor will my feelings ever deviate from that. And of course, don't forget to check your balls.

Again, the day is nearly over, but that might be good for anyone reading late and in need of some re-sets or some newbies tomorrow with a V-day hangover.

yes, no, maybe, fud, notfud, itsatrap, securitytheater, thinkofthechildren

Even though Valentine's Day is nearly over, I thought it was still worth it to post a story about the pure love that is incest. Or lack thereof. Dunno about the study, sounds kinda flaky. Like did it take into account whether or not your sister is hot? Not saying that makes it better, but we understand. And you're at least gonna think about it even if you're not happy about it. Or maybe that's just me since I've got the hot stepsister thing going on so I don't have to feel as guilty for those thoughts.

Anyway... Found this line interesting, and by interesting I mean, maybe you should have phrased this better to get your point across:

Especially strong was the effect of watching one's mother care for a younger child. "They would be very altrustic towards that baby and they'd be grossed out at the idea of sex with that baby as an adult," Cosmides said.

At first I was like, I sure hope you'd be grossed out by the idea of sex with that baby, otherwise you've got more problems than I do.

If you're at all bothered by this post, save it. You should be happy I did it considering the fucking trouble I had to go through so that I could make it. What trouble? Where should I start.

First, I go to Blogger. Of course, where the fuck else am I gonna go, right? Anyway, I try to log in, and it's giving me some shit about switching to the new Blogger. And I'm like, fuck this, I don't wanna switch. Why not? Couple reasons. One, the last time Blogger went through a major change, I referred to it as "the worst thing ever." I even e-mailed Blogger and said as much, and I don't think I got so much as a form-letter reply. Fuckers.

But I was like, fine. I'll switch. Even though I've tried switching before but you complained that my 'blog was too big to transition over, even when you were out of beta. Now, though, when it's up to you and not me, yeah, I've gotta switch. Prick.

So fine, let's do this. I'm a, no, fuck it, I'm not going to finish that Dane Cook reference there because that guy's shit is played out and he's not funny anymore. Anyway, I decide to just get it over with. I get through step one of verifying my "old" Blogger identity. Why I needed to do that when I just did it six seconds prior I don't know. But I did it. And then I get to the page asking for a Google account. Great, I've got one of those. On the page there's a button on the right to create a Google account under "no", and... And a light blue box under "yes" with not a fucking thing in it. And I already know what's in there, it's something useful for the task at hand and neither Mozilla nor Firefox ever show useful things.

So, fuck. After fucking with about three different browsers I was just, like, forget it. I'm done. With blogging. Forever. We know that that means nothing, as evidenced by this post right here and my track record. I was just discouraged because I knew to get things set right I was gonna have to reboot into Windows and use IE (keeping in mind that I use an OS where shit doesn't work because that makes me cool, AKA a weenie).

But I sucked it up and I did it, and here I am. The new Blogger. Woo fucking hoo. At this point I haven't used it enough to figure out what I hate about it yet, but I'm sure I'll find some things. One thing I am stoked about, though, is tags. That was pretty much my only motivation to migrate when I had tried it before. Not like tags really contribute anything, as evidenced by tagging on Slashdot, but maybe it will keep me marginally amused for awhile.

Sorry, labels, not tags. And it automatically alphabetizes them for me (let the record stand that incest was the first tag applied to a post on this blog). Yeah, the new Blogger is already pissing me off.

If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college

I found this article to be pretty amusing, and it does bring up a good point. We do pick and choose what we kill and eat based on nothing but shallow nonsense, and that's one of the many things that makes us stupid. And barbaric, blah blah blah, but meat is good.

And although I'm about a week behind the curve, I should reference this Onion article at least for posterity's sake since it pretty well sums up how I feel about that bullshit. Look, it's sad enough if you get more than a little bummed out over a celebrity dying or something, but if you're getting involved in candlelight vigils for a fucking horse, you should be killed and turned into glue. Yes, in case you missed it, I distinctly remember actually reading about at least one candlelight vigil after he first got injured. It simply makes no sense to me to get all bent out of shape over someone who you never knew and had no direct impact on your life.

And let's face it, they were probably just trying to keep that thing alive for stud fees and whatnot anyway. The only amusement I can take away from the Barbaro nonsense is that if this line of reasoning is correct, it means it was at least one person's job to, uh, handle that business for the last eight months.

This is several days old, but it nicely sums up why I have a difficult time getting behind John McCain. The guy obviously wants us to think he's all hardcore and shit like the McLean Deluxe, but he just pusses out way too much. Just imagine what a bad-ass he'd look like if he had really been a rebel all these years and gone against Bush more. If anyone has had a right to hate Bush and tell him to go fuck himself it's McCain, and he should have rolled with that since the 2000 campaign.

On the D side, hey guys and gals, you go ahead and put up Hillary or Obama or both (my favorite idea so far) and see where that gets you. Hillary is, well, Hillary, someone even a lot of Democrats have trouble getting on board with. I just can't stand her transparent attempts to cast off her liberal reputation. It'd be great to have a female president, but Hillary might not be the best choice when it comes to breaking through that particular barrier.

And Obama? Look, I'd also love to see a black president, but at this point I just don't think it's gonna happen. A black guy up for president would bring every fuckin' racist out of the woodwork to vote against him. The whole goddamn south is guaranteed to be solid bloody red. I hope maybe I'm just being too cynical, and the guy does have some skills after all. But with as racist as this country still is, I'd say it's a pretty big gamble right now.

Another strike against Obama: Hustler questioned his liberal street cred in their "Asshole of the Month" column recently, and we all know that Larry Flynt is where to turn when you want to know what's up (or if you want a bunch of skanks with gigantic fake tits and neverending left-wing blabber... yes, my opinion of Larry has shifted in recent times).

If nothing else, can people stop referring to Obama as a "rising star" already? That shit is fucking played out.

Right now I like the idea of Rudy Giuliani, or at least someone Giuliani-esque, becoming president. You know, a guy who's Republican, but not fucking psycho like these neocon bastards. Someone socially liberal but fiscally conservative (dunno if that really means anything, but we all love to throw around that phrase because it sounds cool).

I say this assuming congress stays Democrat, because I'm liking the whole divided government thing. So a flop with an R congress and D president could achieve that as well. It doesn't really make things spectacular or anything, but it beats that whole imbalance nonsense we'd seen for the past six years. And even if part or all of congress went back the R way, a Republican who might actually argue with congress would be a step up from Bush. Of course, many of us think that just about anything would be a step up from Bush, and it's that kind of desperate mentality that gave us a douchebag like John Kerry last time. Thank Christ that cocksucker isn't trying again, eh?

Here are a couple of random articles involving a pair of geniuses. First up is this guy, who doesn't have a gambling problem or anything. Then there's this kid, who for his sake hopefully has a big cock, otherwise he's for sure gonna want to find himself a new school.

Not that we really need it, but here's today's reminder as to how stupid religion is.

If The Police, the second-best band of the 80s (you know who the best is) are thinking about hanging out again, then this is as good a time as any to re-set this Onion article.

The only objection I have to this movie is that the actress in question is Dakota Fanning, because that little girl is creepy. But yeah, god forbid we should even think about having a serious discussion about a topic that most would prefer to ignore.

Ted Baehr, chairman of the Christian Film and Television Commission and publisher of the Web site movieguide.org, claims "Hounddog" breaks federal child-pornography law.

Dude, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I know that you aren't, but you should be. We'll set aside for a moment that you almost certainly have not seen the scene under debate. No sense letting any facts get in the way of a good crusade. Man, what a waste of fucking time and energy while there's plenty of actual child abuse going on in the world that you give less than a shit about. Just to make sure we're on the same page: fictional sexual abuse that is shown briefly and apparently not even as graphic as everyone makes it out to be, bad; real sexual abuse that goes on for decades and is just swept under the rug, good. Nice morals as usual, Jesus fuck.

"It's not really happening," Fanning said of a [sic] rape. "It's a movie, and it's called acting. I'm not going through anything. Cody and Isabelle aren't going through anything, their characters are.

Pretty sad when some creepy kid has to bitch-slap everyone and point out what fucking retards they're being.

Look, I'm pretty stoked to see the Bears going to the Superbowl, but this is just ridiculous. I'm guessing it's not like there was any big risk inducing childbirth a couple days early, but this still isn't right.

If football -- yes, even Chicago football -- takes precedence over childbirthing, you people probably shouldn't be parents. Yes, I'm sure those tickets were not cheap, and being at that game was something very rare and special, but c'mon, people. Even I think you've got your priorities all fucked up.

Alright, here's another one for the idiot pedophile file pedo-file. There are so many things wrong with this group of M-Winners* that it's not, no wait, actually it is pretty funny, assuming we can ignore the fact that they might have actually molested some real kids.

I mean, seriously, I know that guys can be pretty optimistic when it comes to sex and relationships, but being able to convince themselves that that 29-year-old guy was fucking twelve? Come on. I'm guessing he's not particularly tall, but looking at his face anyone who's not a total fucking stem can tell he isn't 12.

But of course, these geniuses actually tried to enroll the "12-year-old boy" they were "molesting" in school, and no one could have ever predicted that backfiring.

Stiffler and Robert James Snow, 43, "were very upset when the detectives told them they had been having a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old man and not a pre-teen boy," Quayle said.

Yeah, I hate it when that happens. Once you find out your supposed pre-teen lover is actually pushing 30 it really takes the edge off and it's just no fun anymore. And how great is it that one of the guys involved is named Stiffler?

*Mussolini was a winner.

There is so much ignorant shit in this that I just can't motivate myself to wade in at this point. But really, none of it is anything new, nothing we haven't had to suffer through before. So, we'll just summarize: Bush, you are a stupid, arrogant asshole. Your brilliant plan to send more troops should fix everything right up over there.

And the notion that the Iraqis should be thanking us for this mess? One that they never asked us for to begin with? That would be a pretty stunning statement if we weren't accustomed to this kind of garbage. Just when you think people can't hate us anymore, we're reminded that there's plenty more in Bush's back of tricks that he can pull out to insult and condescend.

Another thing I will make special note of:

Bush, who has said he does not use e-mail, said he watched the video on the Internet, but turned away before the ousted dictator fell through the trap door of the gallows.

Give me a break. Who exactly are you again? What execution-happy state did you used to be governor of? You know Bush watched that whole video and he loved it. Lying piece of shit.

If you are any sort of RPG fan (and I don't mean rocket-propelled grenades), then you need to check this out if you haven't seen it already. It is just simply brilliant. There are three more episodes besides that one, although 2-4 kinda disappoint after that first one.

I read this story a couple days ago, and I was like, yeah, that's one of the more messed up things I've read in awhile. I was thinking, damn, I make jokes about genetically engineering girls' height to keep them short, but I have problems and here's someone actually doing it, only after the fact.

And of course, I was about to write a post full of all kinds of half-assed, poorly thought out, and completely unqualified opinions about it. I gave up on that route after reading an excerpt from the parents' blog explaining things, and I was like, forget it. Virtually none of us really do have any clue as to what it would be like to have to go through that and make those kinds of decisions. Doesn't make it all right or wrong; this one is about as gray as it gets.

Being me, though, there are still a couple of things that really piss me off that I will comment on. One is the fact that the parents have a fucking blog despite saying they want to remain anonymous. Someone will figure how who they are pretty quickly if they haven't already. Sure, we could come up with several possible reasons, good and bad, why they're blogging anyway, but the inconsistency is irritating. And then there's this:

In a related conversation with Ashley's doctor, Ashley's mom came upon the idea of accelerating her already precocious puberty to minimise her adult height and weight.

Okay, look, the field of medicine really is all guesswork in a white coat, but this still irks the hell out of me to have parents coming up with medical treatments and doctors letting parents tell them what to do. Sure, they put it before a panel of, like, a billion doctors, but on principle it just doesn't sit right with me. It's like when Bill Maher was commenting on all those drug commercials which urge people to "tell your doctor" about pharmaceutical X: "At that point isn't he just... A dealer?"

I keep hearing about this, and I'm sick and tired of it. Who cares what apocryphal tome a guy uses when he's entering a hallowed hall of lies, money, and bullshit? The only way you would care is if you're -- that's right -- a total fucking dumbass. And besides, wouldn't it be more dishonest and weird for him to be sworn in with a book he doesn't even believe in? And how exactly does putting your hand on a book do anything anyway? Can't we all just pray or something and move on?

Last month, Virginia Republican Rep. Virgil Goode warned that unless immigration is tightened, "many more Muslims" will be elected and follow Ellison's lead.

Nice. You said it so hard, Virge.

Finally, a little note to Western media outlets: please pick a fucking spelling for the Koran/Quran and stick with it, would 'ya please? The same goes for Osama/Usama, al-Qaeda/al-Qaida, and whatever else. I don't care what romanization you go with, just stop switching things up because it's annoying. And figure out how to pronounce "Qatar" while you're at it.

Alright, so I just gave up on the sailor schoolgirl site. I finally got tired of randomly discovering that Angelfire had nuked not one but two of the indexes, so fuck it. I'm not gonna get un-lazy anytime soon and create two new accounts and re-upload everything. I haven't totally given up on the concept because that's a site that just needs to be out there, but I really need to hook myself up with some real webhosting if I'm gonna keep going at that. And since I've talked of getting going with real webhosting for, I dunno, 3+ years, I'm sure it will happen soon.

It was a good run. For awhile there I was averaging tens of thousands of hits a month, and then there was the day I got 127,000 hits from fuck knows where. It's been well over a year, though, since I was getting good traffic like that, so keeping it up wasn't very motivating anyway. And like I've said, I do feel like I'm providing a necessary service, but in the end I'm not all that interested in helping other guys get off. Although I guess you wouldn't know it considering my chat room time which is, of course, talking to nothing but a bunch of guys pretending to be girls. Man, I am so good at life it's not even funny. Why are we walking like this? Fuck, time to see if I can get a couple more hours of sleep before work, because this is really starting to get away from me.

God damn it, how fucking stupid do you have to be to actually think that prayer can take down shit like cancer. I know that's not an original thought here, but it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm not gonna be getting back to sleep, so may as well keep taking potshots at Christians.

New year, same homophobic shit. That article is a quickie but worth it just for the guy holding the "START ACTING LIKE CHRISTIANS" sign. We could really use a huge one of those hanging over the entire country right about now.

Shit yeah, bitches -- just one more day before our country becomes a million times better. Obviously not, but it is still gonna be totally worth it just to see Bush not have it easy for, like, the first time in his life.

I love this notion of trying to sell Saddam's execution as being more about justice than about retribution. Capital punishment is all about retribution. Being me, I'm OK with that. But c'mon, just call it what it is. Trying to say it's something that it's not is a waste of time because every knows better, or at least they think they do and that's all that's really gonna matter.

U.S. officials reportedly tried to delay last week's execution of Hussein, fearing it would fuel perceptions the death of the former Iraqi dictator was more about Shiite retribution and less about justice.

How exactly was that going to help anything? Better to just get it over with so that people can get pissed and get on with the shit causing, since they were gonna do that anyway regardless of what happened or when it happened.

It's so sad that we are the most technologically advanced civilization in history and we have dumbasses like Pat Robertson running around who people will actually listen to. That article is a nice summary of recent stupid shit we've gotten from the man though, which is nice.

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

Yeah, just unfathomable stupidity.

Nevermind the fact that it's just plain disgusting

This kind of shit needs to be stopped. What's the point in having kids when there's a decent chance you'll be dead before they even get out of high school? I'm pretty solid when it comes to being selfish and thinking only of myself, but even I can't compete with assholes like this.