Be proud, be white, be lame, and get the fuck off the dance floor.

For a minute there I thought I'd shit my pants, but as it turns out it was just a trailer for Go Bots: Battle of the Rock Lords.

Oh, and you know what else? But first they'll have to get through PLAYERS!!!

Some people just need to die. Seriously, anyone who does something like that is just gonna grow up to be a serial killer anyway, so let's kill this kid now and thus save some people and more importantly some small animals some grief.

Anyone expecting some other kind of punchline clearly has not been here before and is therefore unaware that I just completely lose my shit over cute things like kittens and as such get very unhappy when I see things like this.

Indy Racing League

If your second life is orders of magnitude more bankrupt than my real life then it's probably a good reflection of your real life and you should kill yourself. I am too fucking tired right now to get all that pissed so some of you out there will hafta get pissed on my behalf and I'll make up for it later.

Hungry like the wolf

I just figured it out. I figured out how I'm gonna hit it big. I'm gonna make a porno. The theme of it will be chicks who do DVDA while they suck a cock. The title? Five-Tool Player.

the nads become self-aware 2:16AM

When it's 2:16 in the morning and you are having trouble sleeping a headline like this does not help matters if you are trying to pretend you're sane.

Then you read the article, and once you can make sense of WTF is going on, you realize you are not insane -- everyone else is retarded.

So I think my favorite thing about this election season was just how little I cared. I'm not saying that 'cause I'm necessarily proud of this fact, but at the same time I'm not necessarily ashamed either. It's just a fact. Everyone was running around talking about how this was the "most important election of our time." Yeah, until we have the next "most important election of our time" in 2012. Most important? Yeah, circlejerk.

I think back to 2004 and I was feeling it. Not in the masturbatory sense, but, hey wait, that's pretty much what it was -- masturbation. I was all into politics and blogging my guts out and stoked to vote and shit, and it ended up very unsatisfying. And not just 'cause my guy didn't win, because Kerry was never "my guy." He just wasn't "the other guy" and the fact that just about every choice in politics seems to come down to picking the lesser of two evils is one of the primary things pissing me off so much and keeping me completely demotivated from getting involved.

Maybe it's just cause I'm so jaded that Obama couldn't ever really excite me like he did a lot of people. Oh, I'll certainly admit he's gonna be something different in the White House in so many ways. The problem I had with everyone is that they would not get off the notion that seemingly just electing Obama would guarantee that everything would get better. As I just said, yeah, there is a ton of promise there. But once the euphoria dies down, people might realize, shit, there's a metric assload of stuff to get done. Even if the Obama crowd would get a little ahead of themselves sometimes, Obama himself is a realist, and he showed that in yesterday's press conference. Well, he'd better be realistic, but if he's being upfront about it that's a good sign.

And how 'bout that Democratic congress? I'm both amazed that people thought it was a lock for them to further swing the pendulum in their direction and that it actually happened. I mean, the only ones with a shittier approval rating than Bush was Congress. I know everyone will make excuses that they were hampered by an obstinate Republican president, but fuck that. The Democrats accomplished pretty much nothing because they are spineless. My favorite description of our two main parties, courtesy of Lewis Black, is still the most succinct: "The Democrats are a party of no ideas and the Republicans are a party of bad ideas."

Also, guess what? Democratic president, democratic congress... Hmmm, back to de facto single party rule, are we? Okay, the judiciary has swung to the right in recent years, but the other two branches are solidly D now. On principle if nothing else I just don't like the idea that there could be very little real debate going on and it's nothing but a bunch of rubber-stamping going on. But, who knows, this might be a time when it will be a good thing, 'cause I think it's pretty clear that we need quick action on a lot of things. Always hard to balance due haste and getting shit done.

Either way, I really don't think it will be anywhere near as bad as the six years of Team Bush and a Republican majority in Congress, but you know what? If shit sucks four or eight years from now, everyone will just blame the Democrats and kick them all out and usher in a new era of Republican rule. This is just how it works; this cycle always repeats itself.

As mentioned above, along with the fact that there's a "been here, done this" feel to things, the fact that all of these politicians are douchebags is terribly uninspiring. Is Obama different? I really don't know. This guy showed up on the scene four years ago, and at the time it was illegal to mention his name without including the phrase "rising star" in the same sentence. One of the biggest planks in his platform was, of course, the fact that he did not vote to authorize the Iraq war like many of his competitors. Fantastic, since he was not even able to do that. I don't know if he publicly stated an opinion or not at the time, but it's irrelevant 'cause you never really know what someone will do unless they're actually in the situation under discussion. Period. At least with Obama's competitors I knew they were full of shit but at least I knew the brand they were peddling; I still dunno if we really know this Obama guy. Now the guy's gonna be president.

It's entirely possible that this guy just showed up at the right time and said all the right things to tap into prevailing sentiments at the time. Now, I'm not saying that this was necessarily the case -- I simply don't know. I just can't help but at least question it, though. Especially when, well, have you heard about politicians before?

Once more, though, despite all the above -- cautiously optimistic. Just because I don't know one way or the other of course doesn't mean he isn't the real deal, although you'll forgive me if I'm not rhetorically fellating him on the level of many out there. I honestly didn't think we were at a point where the existing racism in our country would allow us to elect a black president. Half black. Anyway, I was dead wrong on that one. And the new powers that be would have to try very, very hard to fuck things up like has been done the past eight years. For the time being there is a lot of potential for us to improve our standing in the world and get shit done here at home, and it's just an oh-so-simple matter of whether or not we can actually realize that potential.

So I am definitely cautiously optimistic about this whole Obama thing. There's a shitload of promise here -- but also a shitload of work to be done for us to cash in on that promise. This simple phrase -- "Welcome Back" -- is huge. Although, again, there's a lot to be done to solidify that sentiment, I gotta believe we instantly re-gained some cred with the rest of the world this past Tuesday. Of course, how could we not?

Even if we made some significant social progress by electing a black president this week (well, half black), naturally there was still plenty to be pissed about. I expected this from Arizona and Florida, who had similar measures on the ballot which passed, but I thought California could and would do better. Places you would expect like the Bay Area had their shit together, but LA County didn't? WTF? Maybe the backlash will do something? Probably not.

The coalition of religious communities and citizens who supported Proposition 8 wanted to preserve "the bedrock institution of marriage" between a man and a woman, said Cardinal Roger Mahoney, the Catholic archbishop of Los Angeles.

Then how about you do something about the exceptionally high divorce rate? I'm pretty sure queers marrying is not the root cause of that. Oh, and stop molesting kids.

"Proposition 8 is not against any group in our society," Mahoney said in a written statement.

Except for you hell-bound faggots. Shut the fuck up junkie.

In this post-never-had-a-black-president world, The Onion is apparently stepping it up.

You definitely do gotta like that the guy is negative seventy-some days on the job and he already sounds more presidential than the guy who has ostensibly been doing this for eight years. Granted, that's not saying much, but a marked improvement is still a major accomplishment. The guy won't be in office for over two months and he's already held a presser. That puts him, what, two or three press conferences away from tying Bush's number?

Oh, and you know what my favorite phrase is right now? Transition team.

In the closing days of the campaign, this saga of McCain people throwing Palin under the bus was my favorite storyline. The most cynical, political pick of all time (Country First!) didn't pan out, and as the ship was going down all the rats started... Uhhh... Okay that metaphor completely failed to materialize but you know what I'm talking about.

In response to the allegations that she was ill-prepared for interviews and debate, Randy Scheunemann, an aide assigned to Palin, called her "brilliant" and said she has a "photographic memory."

The only way for that statement to be true would be for all of us to be running around with goatees right about now.

As much as I respect Obama for not being John McCain, he is gonna be our president and as such it's time to start ripping on him. Bill Maher says that Obama has not given comedians anything to make fun of, and that comedians just need to get used to making fun of a black guy. Well, half black. Anyway, how about this to get us started?

I mean, seriously. Dude, c'mon. Why are you backing down from that shit? Seances? Seances. How the fuck are you supposed to take seriously the "don't do drugs" message from someone participating in gorram seances?

The most important circlejerk of our time

No sarcasm for the rest of this post, for once. I gotta admit, I'm impressed, America. You managed to not fuck this one up. I raise my glass to you.

(But not to you, racist Southern fucks.)

Well, I still don't really know what to think about all this. Aside from, what a cluster fuck.

Republican leaders, who had pushed their reluctant members to vote for the bill, pointed the finger for the failure at a speech given Monday by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.

What? 'Cause of a speech? What a load. Either that's bullshit or you're all just children.

Pelosi, speaking on the House floor, had blamed the nation's economic problems on "failed Bush economic policies."

Okay, so it's bullshit and you're all just children. Not voting for something 'cause of a speech -- lame. Using this opportunity as another chance to regurgitate campaign talking points -- lame.

Here's a quandary. A lot of Republicans are against this. So does that mean it must be a good thing? Or does the fact that they're against handing out a bunch of money to these firms a sign of just how fucked up the bailout proposal really is? "We're all about helpin' Whitey, but damn."

Something is amiss.

Well, um, basically, yeah.

The new webcomics (well, new to me) just keep comin'... Today's installment is The Perry Bible Fellowship. Believe me, you have no idea what it's about from that title, 'cause it isn't about anything. But it is fantastic and, unfortunately, not regularly updated anymore, goddammit. Still plenty there to peruse, such as my personal favorite.

Quite possibly the best 404 ever (make sure you don't have JavaScript blocked/disabled).

'Nother new webcomic: pictures for sad children. As is often the case, if you don't do the mouse-over popup text thingy you're missing half the jokes. Originally discovered when I came across the affiliated t-shirt store.

Speaking of t-shirts, here is a fantastic one, and here is yet another one. To top it all off, the greatest hoodie of all-time.

Better abs than God

Listen, David, errr, Mr. Blaine... I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about "fucking piece of shit assholes." Either you really are a magician, or you are in the best shape that anyone has ever been in.

I could raise the spectre that it was staged or an illusion, but I don't want to run the risk that Mr. Blaine will come and kill me. With his abs.

How hilarious is it that Bush is for, like, seven years completely non-committal about how shitty the economy is and all of a sudden "our entire economy is in danger"?

"I'm a strong believer in free enterprise, so my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention," he said. But "these are not normal circumstances. The market is not functioning properly. There has been a widespread loss of confidence.

I know this will be lost on Bush, but there's a difference between the market not working and the market not working like we want it to. Somewhere, Adam Smith is crying.

Although you know, I'm not even sure if I'm against this whole bailout thing or not. Of course, I'm ill-informed and very unmotivated to really dig deep into all this shit that a bunch of assholes brought upon us and we pretty much can't do jack about. But I mean, you hear names like Lehman Brothers going under, and it's like, fuck. This can't be good. With things such a mess there's definitely gonna be widespread effects.

But you know, is the government getting involved really the smartest idea? Or is propping up the fuck-ups really a bright move? Again, there's that whole "market" thing we were just talking about. I like how The Onion put it several months ago when the Fed started bailing out banks:

"Giving money to institutions that failed at their only job, which was to have money, may not be the best strategy."

Then there's the fact that with the latest bailout package, Team Bush is pushing hard for it. You know they're big on it if they're willing to risk putting Bush out there in front of the cameras. Oh, and I doubt I even need to do any research to discover that they are less than objective in their decision-making, and they have other interest's besides the country's at heart.

Awesome again.

Awesome.

Good, I fucking hope he does go blind, and worse. There are few bigger pieces of shit out there that I hate more than David Blaine. To me, Blaine is the embodiment of so much that is wrong with the world. Inane, pointless, self-centered garbage. I'm not kidding when I say few worse are lower than him; as far as my level of hatred goes he's like getting into Cheney territory. I know what you're saying: how can you even begin to compare the two? Cheney is the biggest asshole alive and he's caused way more grief for the world than some nobody.

David Blaine is just that big of a prick.

Sure, we all do dumb shit. We have dangerous hobbies or just fuck up or whatever. But this asshole does all of this immensely retarded shit, and for what? For attention. That's all. No other reason than for attention. God damn it why can't he just fucking die in one of his experiments? He clearly wants to die. He's like that stupid cunt Amy Winehouse. If you're doing all this fucking crap you must want your life to end, so please just fucking die already.

The biggest danger for magician David Blaine...

What's magical about being an attention whoring douchebag? Tell me, please, what is magical about that.

Nevertheless, Napolitano says the stunt could yield valuable data for doctors.

I have an awesome idea: let's finally get our shit together and invent the time machine and send this fuckoff back. I'm sure Dr. Mengele would love to meet him, and I'd love for Blaine to meet him too.

If you're wondering what the hell that loud bang was that you just heard, it was the sound of the hypocrisy barrier being broken.