Hey, so I was wondering... You think I could get away with just paying women to hang out with me? Not sleep with me or anything, I'm not trying to push a prostitution angle here. If really wanted that, I could just go to Vegas. No, pay someone to spend time with me, to pretend to care about what I'm saying, and to act like she's having fun with me. You know, just like a real girlfriend would behave, except there's no pretense on anyone's part. Okay, I guess that pretty much is just prostitution, but without the sex.

I got to thinking some more, and I'm like, could we turn this into a business? I know there are plenty of guys out there who are even more sad, lonely, and pathetic than I am, which is just fucked up. Fucked up as that may be, I think it shows we have a market for this service. Would this be illegal, even if there are strict guidlines of no sex involved? Seems like it'd be feasible. We could call the business "Compensated Companions." Yeah, it'd be an escapist facade, but after watching plenty of anime and spending too much time in internet chatrooms, I've realized that sometimes an escapist facade is better than nothing, even if it's transitory.

You don't think it would work? Fuck, why can't I ever come up with any good business ideas? Maybe I should just work more on the robotic girlfriend/maid thing.

Yeah, and a lot of those frightened little children are right here at home.

Yeah, it sucks.

Okay, so apparently I have to give Outlaw Volleyball one point for having Steve Carell from The Daily Show doing commentary. Still, that's nowhere near enough, so fuck this shitty rip-off of DOAX. What's the point if some of the characters in the game are guys? If I want guys, which I typically don't unless they're wearing a funny costume, I'll just go play one of the DOA fighting games.

Oh, and I suppose they can have another point for some of the match locations, but I definitely wouldn't want my DOA girls hanging out in the Bronx. DOA: Women in Prison, however, may not be a half bad idea.

Basis of our laws? Fine, I'll give 'ya that. But when you keep mentioning the G Word, it completely destroys any hope of a useful argument for you. It is so fucking embarassing that after thousands of years of evolution, we're still such frightened little children. Then again, it is Alabama, the Land of Enlightenment.

Also, dumbfuck, the concept of separation of church and state doesn't just give us the freedom to worship god, it also gives us the freedom to not worship god. Or to worship lots of gods. This is clearly a government with a huge Christian bias, but if nothing else, us heathens don't need it rubbed in our face.

For me, the separation of church and state goes beyond just the words that are in the first amendment, mainly because, well, the words "separation of church and state" aren't in the Constitution as far as I know. The phrase "congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion" is in there, but fuck if I know what exactly that was supposed to mean 200 some odd years ago. Either way, the concept of separating church and state is a de facto standard that we live with, and is what helps give us what the first amendment promises us, the ability to freely exercise our beliefs. For free exercise to be possible, the government cannot be advocating one religion over another. Of course, that's not always the case, but it'd be nice if we could keep the Team Jesus cheerleading to a minimum.

Also, while doing some research on separation of church and state, I came across this, which amused me.

So apparently, my "Objectification of Young Girls" Pageant is already coming under fire and is facing criticism. The criticism is coming from a common problem I face, and that is being misunderstood. So, in a effort to help smooth things out, I will offer up a second pageant. The "Objectification" pageant is still on, by all means, but we're adding another one to the already troubled lineup in my never-ending attempts to please everyone.

First off, this pageant will be referred to as something along the lines of the "Girls who I would not only sleep with but might also enjoy talking to" Pageant.

Entry into this pageant will most likely be judged by the same panel as the "Objectification" pageant, but with stricter entry guidelines. First, I'm going to want to see a resume, because I don't want anyone who's lazy or uneducated. Of course, we're not biasing against girls too young to have gone to college yet, but I'd like to see some sort of evidence that these girls have some intentions of educating themselves, which may require some sort of interview. Also, although I'm not a big fan of standardized tests, scores from them may be used to cull some low hanging fruit. We'll also do some testing of our own - math, science, history, literature (all appropriate for the individual's age) - to determine qualified entrants.

Successful entrants will also have to be pretty and under 5'5".

Finally, once we've narrowed the field, on with the show! Again, because it's automatic, we'll get the swimsuit competition out of the way. Next will be the academic portion of our show. This time, more in-depth tests on the subjects covered in the prelims. We may do it quiz-show style to keep things fun and interesting. There may also be a spelling bee involved; bad spellers piss me off. After the testing, we'll move into the schoolgirl outfit competition. Like it or not, this competition is going to be in there. Afterwards, the athletic competition, which will most likely just involve a lot of running around and jumping in place in tight t-shirts and short shorts. I might make trampolines available, even though that's been fucking played out thanks to The Man Show. Once the athletics are out of the way and the girls have had a chance to shower and change, we'll break for lunch. Lunch, of course, will be extended for some shopping. This time, in addition to the clothes shopping, we'll be hitting some home improvement stores (Pottery Barn, Home Depot, etc.) so that they can be judged on their design and decorating skills.

After lunch, a second schoolgirl outfit competition. The girls will be required to wear a different outfit from the morning's competition; we wouldn't want things to get redundant here. Switching gears back to something more cerebral will be a round-table socio-political discussion and debate. Several topics will be suggested, involving international affairs, domestic affairs, and religion, but the girls are free to explore anything that comes up. As a follow-on to the debate, we will have either a discussion or a quiz section on popular culture and media.

Finally, we will conclude the pageant with a cosplay competition. At least one girl is required to wear a huge-ass bow, otherwise I'm just going to get more shit about this pageant.

The losers get to go home, and should be thankful they made the cut to be in this damn pageant in the first place. The winner has to marry me, because what's the point of going through all this and finding someone cool if I don't put all that data to good use? If you'd prefer to think of it as a "everybody wins except one poor soul" that's fine by me. The winner/single loser will be treated to a steak dinner, and 80 years of going out shopping for toys and anime, playing video games, surfing the net, watching DVDs, and doing math problems.

There, 'ya happy now? Think about it - how many entrants do you think we're gonna get for this one? Probably none. I could relax some things, even keep the grand "prize" a secret, but we're still not gonna have much luck. You see, with the original pageant, we probably wouldn't get this massive flood, but then again, there's not really an intelligence requirement, so I'll bet we could fool lots of girls into thinking it's somewhat legit. Also, mass market appeal was the idea there. Tons more people will tune in for an afternoon of swimsuits and cheerleading costumes than those who will for girls doing long division and integrals. The objectification pageant is feasible and marketable, whereas the pageant I just laid out here is clearly total fantasy bullshit, and would never happen.

Thinking of starting your own porn site? We are. This might be a good jumping off point for information that will keep us out of jail.

Non-traditional touch? Yeah, no shit, lady.

Has anyone else been following this? I have, sorta and unwillingly, just by reading the thrice daily headlines about it. Why the fuck is shit like this such a big deal? Why do we care so much about other peoples' lives that we follow space weddings and watch all those fucking reality TV shows?

Geez, you know what? My irritation here just seems so half-assed. I think it's because I'm still trying to recover from that flash mob bullshit.

Phew, the environment should be safe now.

Hey, at least my blog doesn't suck. Oh, wait.

Some random side notes:

1. John Kerry is the biggest fucking pussy rip-off artist out there. I think he deserves this month's Tony Blair award.
   
2. I want Bob Graham to ask me if I miss my job, just so I can kick it Peter Gibbons school and tell him "Well, I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob!"
   

Welcome to 1984, kids.

So has everyone out there heard of flash mobs? Maybe I'm behind the times, but today is the first time I A. heard about them and B. paid attention to what they are. And I've gotta tell you, I think flash mobs are officially the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard of. Apparently, for those living in the closet like me, someone posts somewhere that there's gonna be a flash mob. No one knows what they're going to do when they get there, because that's part of the deal. The mob receives "instructions" once they've gathered at the set place and time. They then do some nonsensical activity as prescribed by said instructions. The fucked up thing is, people actually do show up for this shit. They even think it's fun. You've got to be kidding me.

I first read about this shit in today's paper, because my city had its first flash mob, apparently. They actually interviewed some woman who was relived that it didn't turn out a hoax, because if it turned out there wasn't really going to be a mob, they would have all looked stupid. Obviously, I'm paraphrasing a bit, but that's pretty much the gist of it. Anyway, the task handed down from the mountain to the sheep here was for people on the street and people up in buildings to play imaginary ping pong. If you haven't heard of this shit before, I promise you, I'm not making this up. It took several re-reads of the beginning of the article to make me understand what the fuck was going on. It's not that it was written in code or even a foreign language, it's just that it was so fucking stupid that my mind had trouble processing it.

This is it folks; it's over. We have officially lost our fucking minds. I thought we had before, but I was wrong, because now the time has arrived. People's lives are completely bankrupt, they will listen to anything and follow the dumbest of orders, and they think that bullshit is fun. There is no hope, and there is no going back. We're finished.

Since Fox News can trademark "Fair & Balanced" and have it be a total shitfaced lie, I think I'm going to trademark the phrase "I have a huge cock and have satisfied scores of beautiful women." Every part of that, clearly, is bullshit, but truth is obviously not a prerequisite for getting a trademark. Plus, I'm sure the "F & B" shit fools a few people, which would be good enough results for me.

I'm looking forward to this book, and fuck Fox. I'm real sure that people are going to think that Al Franken, author of The Liberal Operations Bible (known to most everyone else as Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot), is somehow associated with the nauseatingly conservative Fox "News."

Also, is anyone else bothered by the fact that someone was able to trademark the phrase "Fair & Balanced"? Even more bothered by the fact that the trademark was granted to someone who is neither?

More fuel to add to the fire.

Isn't really fucking stupid that a big issue in this recall bullshit is the state budget, yet California is going to blow all this money on the effort? Way to fuck yourselves and set an ugly precedent, assholes.

Kinda fucked up when someone accused of war crimes by the U.N. calls you "misguided."

Hey, is it illegal to do bad things to a doll of the so-called president?

Oh, and have you seen that they're making Vanilla Pepsi now? Yuck. I was never a fan of Vanilla Coke before it became a commercial product, but it seems that even people who like Coke+Vanilla didn't care much for Vanilla Coke, so I can only imagine how vile Pepsi's attempt at it is. PepsiOne, anyone?

Well, these Transformers look like they could be cool, but it's kinda hard to tell from the picture if there are any quality materials in there. Looks like they might be all cheap plastic, but I can't tell for sure. I found one site that's pre-selling them, which says there's some die-cast in there, so we'll see. The site also says they're being manufactured by Takara, which really gives me hope, but Hasbro is still involved, which keeps me nervous.

Also, take a look at this. Although it's always hard to tell from monotone prototypes, that Masterpiece Optimus could be pretty fucking sweet.

Well, I don't know if Filthy is really dead or if he just got sick of writing reviews or what, but here's an interview with Filthy himself.

Huh?