Damn, dude - now Saddam can go out and pick up chicks. Or, at very least, he can probably hang out with Barry Bostwick, who has a nice ass. Saddam also needs to put together his own workout tape. Or how about "Saddam's Gym" muscle-ts? The possibilities are endless.

This isn't exactly new, but just how much evil shit does the Bush administration have to try before people wise up and all that shit ends up backfiring?

Nice to see that Bill Cosby is done being a "pushover mom."

Hey, all throughout that CNN article, there's a word they keep censoring as 'n-----.' It's really bothering me because I don't know what the word is and I'm too dumb to figure it out.

God, I am so sick of this kind of stupid bullshit. As if somehow people are going to think CNN is racist for quoting someone who used the word 'nigger.' I mean, Jesus Christ, they're even quoting someone who's using it in a completely non-racist way. But, yeah. Some people (guilty white liberals) probably would call CNN racist if they just printed the word. Some would probably call me racist just for peeling away those dashes. Some people are really fucking stupid. Hey, maybe CNN is racist and I'm racist and we're all fucking racists, but if we are it's not just because we printed a word.

We, of course, do this with other words, typically swear words. It's really two different uses of the same technique - one because we're uptight fucking cunts, the other because we're somehow trying to pretend that by covering up racist words we can cover up racism itself. In the end, it's a symptom of the same disease - bullshitting ourselves. Does anyone see 'f---' or 'n-----' or whatever printed somewhere and not know what the underlying word is? Does anyone hear "f-dash-dash-dash" in their head as they read as opposed to "fuck"?

Oh, and don't EVEN give me any fucking crap about "the children."

Why we waste time with this nonsense is beyond me. Oh, well, except for the fact that Americans have a hard time dealing with reality, so we run from it whenever we can. Hey, escapism is one thing, but this is something completely different. Grow the fuck up.

Hmmm, I honestly didn't mean to get off on such a rant here. I just wanted to push the "Bill Cosby" inside joke when an opportunity arose. But while we're on the subject of racism, I think we need a racist term to describe humans. One all-encompassing word or phrase that degrades us all. I think that could do wonders to bring us all together. Personally, I'm a big fan of Megatron's use of "flesh creatures." But again, that's just me.

"White nigger."
- One of Chris Rock's suggestions for new racist names for white people

I'm not sure if most people would consider this to be a boost in Colin Powell's credibility or a further decline. Me, I give the guy some points for it. But, of course, that's me.

"Three years ago, a skit... prompted harsh words from his wife Alma."

Colin Powell could at least save some face by standing up to his wife every now and then. Look, I know that marriage is a give and take (namely, the man gives and the woman takes... in straight relationships, at least; I don't know if gay couples bother with this paradigm), but Jesus Christ.

"You need to slap her in the face and tell her 'That's enough of your shit!'"
- How Cartman says he would deal with women problems; and no I'm not suggesting that Colin Powell abuse his wife. Maybe she really is asking for it, just don't do it.

I... I didn't even know there was some kind of "community" centered around doing tricks with lighters. Like always, it's pretty hypocritical of me to criticise the hobbies of others, but...

"My oldest son who is 11 is currently considering whether he should focus on football, the guitar or lighter tricks."

I think you should push him towards the lighter tricks thing, because we all know there's no money in football or music. Yeah, it's not like this kid is going to grow up to be John Elway or BB King (THAT'S BB KING!!!!! LUCILLE!!!!!!), but still. At least there's some infinitesimally small yet still finite chance that he could make something of himself doing pretty much anything besides lighter tricks.

I just can't see how something like this could end badly.

Okay, people are literally, penultimately, going apeshit over that story about the teacher fucking her 14-year-old student. I have gotten so many goddamn Google hits thanks to that over the past couple of days. The main reason I'm getting so many hits, though, is because I'm pretty sure that the JFR take I posted (which I just copied from his website and fixed obvious spelling errors) misspelled the teacher's name. So there you have it; people love teachers and students knockin' boots, and people can't fucking spell.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney continues defecating from the mouth. He really oughta have that problem looked at.

And unless if you've somehow avoided all news today, you already know that Saddam was in "court" today, sportin' a new look.

I sure hope so, because I've had just about enough of this stupid bullsit. I can barely contain my excitement over who will be chosen to not be the next vice president of the United States.

Something in case you're not getting your fill of campaign ads this year.

Kind of a theme

Google search:

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You mean a modelizer?

In addition to Ted Rall's comic, I also enjoy his weekly column a great deal. Rall is obviously pissed, but unlike some people on the left (Michael Moore, me...), Rall manages to lay his thoughts out in a manner that's calm and concise. We could use a bit, err, a lot more of that. Well, okay, the comic can get a bit out of hand, but it is, after all, a fucking comic.

Just to make sure things don't get too positive with all the "progress" going down in Iraq.

Horrible

Yahoo search:

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God fucking damn it, I hate people. Dude, if you play your cards right, you can probably get them to do it for food. Or shelter.

Britney, you wouldn't know love if it came up and hit you in those fake-ass tits of yours.

Google has had just about enough of your shit

Unsurprisingly... Google search:

find me something cool, google, you fucking bitch

And you wonder why you're getting unsatisfactory search results.

I just can't understand why I get so many pedophiles coming here via Google

Just since we like to build on themes - especially when it comes to sex with kids - here's another story. Hey, at least this one's about sex with an underage boy for a change. Let it never be said that Fuck everything isn't fair & balanced. Whatever. Oh, and as far as that 14-year-old boy is concerned, he is a fucking hero to so many guys right now, guys of all ages. Even if that teacher is pretty fucking scary looking.

Here's what JFR had to say about it:

Middle school teacher Debra Lefave has turned herself into authorities to face charges on having sex with a 14-year old student. She was already facing other charges for having sex with the same kid. Apparently, they are touching her up with additional charges because this time she went to see the boy who was visiting his cousin, and they drove around while she gave him a piece. The 15-year old cousin drove her car around Ocala, FL, while the two of them got after it in the back. Then, the student says that they stopped at a Best Buy electronics store so she could buy her husband a Ipod. Well, that was nice of her. Good to see that she is still thinking about her husband back at home.

She may be tagging her students, but at least she is buying him some nice gifts. And how do you think that old man feels? He isn't able to get business taken care of at home, and she has to go to the playground to get satisfied? That's no good. That has to be a little damaging to the self esteem. The student has also detailed her lower anatomy "in detail" so the cops believe his story. He was also caught bragging in school that he was having sex with a "hot teacher". Nice.

Nothing like having a 14 year old going out to recess and telling everyone that he is getting some from a teacher. And I am sure no one believed him, right up until the point that Lefave was arrested. Again, I'll ask the question. Where were these teachers when I was a student? All of my teachers were fat old bats that had nothing to offer. This kid is getting with the hot blonde teacher? And they are arresting her? For what? Making the kids life? Making him the most popular kid in school? So maybe she has totally taken his innocence and distorted his view of sex and reality for the rest of his life. At least he got to roll with that in the back of the car for a few weeks. Give him credit for that.

My guess, though, is that this kid will never bemoan his "loss" of innocence. And his view of reality will only be distorted until he realizes that he can't get any like so many other guys. Unless, of course, if he's able to capitalize on this momentum.

Nudist camp for teens? I wanna go. Seriously, like, right now.

"There was no good reason to enact this law, and there is no reason to believe that these camps are harmful to children in any way."

Who's saying these camps could be harmful? That's bullshit. How could they be harmful? Oh, yeah, I suppose if I'm lurking around. Because, yeah, what am I gonna do? Sit off in a corner away from everyone else trying to avoid even looking at anyone like I normally do in any situation where I'm around people? Yeah, huge fucking threat.

Can I call the camp ahead of arriving and put in a "no fat chicks" request? Okay, okay, I'm stopping now before this gets out of (or into) hand. I'm already not going to be able to sleep tonight.

In case you're wondering how I heard about this, I saw a blurb about it on the crawl on CNN. No, really. CNN. That fucking liberal media is dirtying my pure mind!

Okay, so I saw an ad on TV for a new bullshit website intended to keep kids from booze and drugs that won't do a fucking thing: Check Yourself. Yeah, that's right bitch - you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. Probably the best chance I'll get to bust out that phrase.

The first thing I did was hit the alcohol quiz. I just love that first question - "Do you drink because you have problems?" Hey, shitcocks, we ALL drink because we have problems. For those of us who drink, that is.

Then my eye caught the games. And I was like, fuck yeah! I immediately went and played the first one, entitled "Going out for the team." From the description, I knew it was going to be about steroids. Totally, dude, I know what a HUGE problem 'roid use is when it comes to high schoolers. Man, I couldn't go fucking anywhere back in those days without some buff dude popping out from behind corners trying to get me to pump up and ball down.

The 'roids game started out so fun! I started taking roids and I was totally busting out. Chicks wanted me. I beat up my girlfriend, then dumped her because she was a total bitch. Then I went to a party with some other hot skank and had a beer! But I didn't get to beat her up and that pissed me off. It was at that point that I grew tired of the site, and I don't think I'll be going back after that.

New Get Your War On.

Having the hiccups for two years would definitely suck. The worst thing about hiccups, though, is that once they finally go away, you're still sitting there waiting for the next one. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm always there for about five minutes saying "Alright, you fucker. Where are you?" Once enough time has gone by without another hiccup you're good, but that post-hiccup waiting period pisses me off.

We are so going to have a draft sometime soon.

Yahoo search:

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What? I'm not sure what the fuck this is about, but the first and pretty much only thing that comes to mind is ten hot dogs on the grill. An image which I just cannot figure out how to make pornographic on its own. Innuendo maybe, but stroke material? Okay, I'm one to talk about questionable tastes, but still.

Good news for porn and First Amendment fans. More or less. I have fucking had it with this stupid bullshit of pushing conservative ideas and values all in the name of "protecting children." It's a bunch of shit, but we've been over this. Yeah, that normally doesn't stop me from repeating myself, but I'm just not in the mood at the moment.

The end of that article brings up a huge campaign issue that's always on our minds that we never make a big deal of, even though we should. If indeed none of the Supreme Court justices are retiring this year, then we've somehow managed to dodge that bullet for four years of Bush. There's most likely no way we can get through another four years like that, which means Bush is going to have a field day packing that court with, shall we say, right-of-center appointees. That'll pretty much be the end of everything.

I thought I had seen it all several years back with The Tom Green Cancer Special, but now cancer has been given the video game treatment. And no, this isn't just some sick joke (unlike Drew Barrymore).

For reasons known only to ETP, I would love to see one thing added to this game: a final boss, Colorado Rockies outfielder Larry Walker.

Meanwhile, plenty of fun to be had in that one country we've all but forgotten about.

Yup.

Bad news for Team Bush.

Like the good lil' mindless liberal that I am, I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 this weekend. Going in, a fundamental question lingered: was this movie responsible filmmaking, or was it nothing but left-wing propaganda?

Of course, no one needs to see the movie to know the answer. Michael Moore, while not a politician, is a player in the game nonetheless. As such, he does what anyone does, whether they come for the left or the right. Yes, he can play fast and loose with the facts. Yes, he presents things in a manner that conveniently supports the conclusion that he wants to "find." Yes, he ignores or brushes aside contradictory data or opinion. Yes, he's preaching to the converted.

But for Christ's sake, everyone: it's entertainment. Movies like this, Fox News, and, shit, just news in general are entertainment first, information sources second. That's just how it is. We can't get interested in anything if it doesn't first keep us amused in some fashion or other. All you really need to do to be marginally useful (as I see it) is to realize that everything you see and hear is bullshit, then work from there to come up with bullshit that's all your own.

In the end, even if Moore is full of shit in many ways, the guy does make some good points that stand on their own. Yeah, of course, this is coming from one of the "converted" who already agrees with a lot of what Moore is saying. And for fuck's sake, at least someone on the left has some balls to speak up. Moore's just lucky that he's in a position to A) be heard and B) make a fuckload of cash off it.

Regardless of what anyone may think of the film, Moore has already accomplished a lot with it. Conservatives are fucking PISSED. Shit, I couldn't turn anywhere last week without hearing something about Fahrenheit. Whether the view of the film was good or bad didn't matter, it's all PR. There's even an attempt by one conservative group to have advertising on the movie stopped after July 31st on claims that the clips of Bush are in violation of rules laid out in the McCain-Feingold act. In the end, the more attention the film gets, the more Moore is going to love it. Didn't the right learn anything from when Fox tried to sue Al Franken over his most recent book?

The right is working overtime to try and blow holes in the movie, and Moore is already working to respond. So who's right? In the end, who really knows? As Carlin would say, may as well just sit back and enjoy the freak show.

As for the film itself, I enjoyed it. Naturally I did. All is does is complain about and make fun of Bush, which we know I'm down with. I don't know about the factual accuracy of a lot of it since, like always, I haven't done much of my homework. There wasn't anything I saw that was blatantly false, but of course, I'm not terribly observant.

There is a major sequence in the film following one woman whose son goes off to fight in Iraq who is eventually killed in combat. While I can recognize this sequence for what it is - a carefully orchestrated means of emotionally manipulating the audience - there was no way I could keep from getting choked up by it. All I could think about was my own mother and if she were put into that position because of this stupid fucking war. That made me sad, and it pissed me off.

That there sums it up. If you went into this movie already pissed at Team Bush, you'd come out with a renewed sense of pissed offedness. If you went in not pissed at Bush, then you were probably just there so you would have something to bitch about on your conservative talk show later in the week anyways. In the end, Fahrenheit 9/11 is what it is: left-wing bullshit designed to energize the base and piss off the right. It's good times all around - for both sides.

This guy was clearly not a self-respecting terrorist.

Right now on CNN's front page is this image:



This is a note from Condoleeza Rice to Bush. The words "Let freedom reign!" were written by Bush. Maybe it's because I already have an unfavorable view of Bush's intellect, but that strikes me as being the response of a five-year-old. You know, once Bush is out of office, I think I'm going to invite Bush to go out shopping with me. I have a feeling he'd be a lot of fun turned loose in Toys 'R' Us.

So it looks like we decided to strike pre-emptively and hand over "sovereignty" a couple of days early. Probably a smart move; insurgents undoubtedly had a big party in store for June 30th. Not that they can't still have that party, but it won't have the psychological impact or the potential to disrupt the "handover."

"Handover" in quotes for a couple of reasons. For one, the same reason "sovereignty" gets the quote treatment. Yeah, Iraqis are much more in charge of their own affairs - which is good. Mr. Doom and Gloom isn't trying to downplay that. But of course, many of those in charge are in that position because we helped put them there. And while the government is technically free to do whatever they want, we all know that the US is going to have plenty of influence in helping shape those decisions. I'm not saying this entirely out of criticism; it's just a statement of fact - we weren't going to go through all this trouble only to have no choice in the outcome. Our goal in Iraq isn't necessarily to give Iraqis what they want, unless of course if what they want lines up with what we think they should want.

Then there's the military. We're going to be in charge of the security situation for quite awhile there. No way of getting around that, since we're pretty much the only ones at this point who can even begin to tackle that problem. Even if/when the insurgency dies down and Iraqis have a sufficient military and police force, we're still going to have a significant military presence in Iraq. I don't know if people realize just how long we were in Japan and Germany after WWII (hint: we're still there), but going in and toppling a government tends to lead to a long-term military commitment. While this is, of course, different from the situation we found ourselves in post-WWII, there's no reason to believe that we won't keep a strong contingency over there. After all, one of the goals of this occupation was to be able to set up shop somewhere in the oil-rich Mid East.

The second reason that "handover" gets quoted is because the actual transfer has in many ways already taken place, and the handover ceremonies were mostly just a dog-and-pony show to let everyone else know that things are swell. Things aren't all that swell seeing as how the violence is either maintaining itself or getting worse, but that's pretty much expected. As always, we'll see what happens.

Time to play the Feud

Google search:

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