MY EMPIRE IS CRUMBLING!!!!!

Okay, everyone can come back into the room now. Better strap yourselves in and pop yourself a Gleemonex; we're all going to need it.

Yes, the kingdom has fallen. I am no longer living in Audi Arabia. It's been a few days, actually. Ask ETP and BOETP-- I'm kinda depressed. I mean, it is nice having my car back now that it's all fixed up instead of having the driver's side all mashed in and oh who am I kidding.

Where are my six cylinders? Where are my leather seats? Where are my HID (Highly Irritating to Drivers) headlamps? Where are my auto-dimming mirrors (which I didn't even care for)? Where are my foglights? Where is the little "poop!" sound when I lock the doors? Where is my all-wheel drive? Where is my bullshit wood trim? Where's my extra set of doors so that BOETP can get in and out unencumbered? Yes, oh yes, where is my PussyStick? Where is my key? Where the FUCK is my KEY?

Next to the bullshit wood trim -- and quite possibly surpassing it -- the key for this car was the best part. The key and remote were integrated into one unit so that when you pressed a small button on the remote, the key would swing out from the side kinda like a motherfucking switchblade. I couldn't help it, I just felt cool every time I busted the key out. I knew I really wasn't cool, but popping out the key made me feel like I could maybe look like I was smooth and cool some day. That's how powerful it was.

Just the whole damn car had a total bullshit effect on me. Again, ask ETP or BOETP. I was living the life of the yuppie asshole I've simultaneously always hated and always wanted to be. I'd pull up next to another driver in an Audi, look over, and say "What's up, fellow Audi driver?" Of course, it was all an illusion, but you know what? Playing pretend is fun. We don't do enough of that as (pseudo) adults.

Yeah, a lot of the allure was nonsense image. I felt like maybe others might think I was someone. Again, all bullshit. Yeah, people probably thought I was someone, alright. Someone whose parents are rich who bought their shit kid a nice car (keep in mind that I look like I'm 12). And my response to that was, of course, that I earned that car... Or at least I could have earned it.

Other than the ego crap, it was quite a bit of fun to drive, even with the much-maligned PussyStick. I used PussyStick almost exclusively since it was marginally more interesting to drive than a normal automatic. ETP put it best when he said that it's like trying to fuck with a limp dick -- yeah, you're limp, but at least you're fucking.

That goddamn PussyStick presented one of the first big problems in re-adjusting. I'm not proud to say it, but there has been more than one occasion over the past few days where I've moved the gearshift out of "Drive" to try and get back to the feeling of PussyStick. Even though that's basically what PussyStick is (especially with Audi's implementation; not sure what others are like), it's still not the same.

And of course, I just can't go as fucking fast. Not like I was tear-assing all over the place, but I could if I needed to. One of my favorite things was making this turn close to my house that I go through every day. Starting from a standing stop, I'd be at like 35-40 well before I came out of the turn with shit flying around in the car with those four wheels gripping the road. You know, nothing spectacular, but more than my Civic can do.

Ever since I had to give up the Audi, I've driven both my Civic and my mother's Accord. Both cars are decent, with the Accord obviously being the nicer one. Even driving the nicer Accord isn't going to be any fun anymore. I realized what the essence of it was, at least in the power regime: when I hit the gas in any of our Hondas, there's just no sense of urgency in those cars like there was in the Audi. Of course, should you buy something like an A4, you're paying tens of thousands more for that urgency. And, again, not like I need that urgency, but I fucking need it.

That car was with me for way longer than I had thought. Originally, it's like one-and-a-half to two weeks tops, right? That, or, more than a month. Every weekend when we get together, I'd always be enthusiastic to be the one to drive us around since "this is my last weekend with the Audi."

After, I dunno, about 37 last weekends, it turned into nothing more than a month-long cocktease. That was more than just regular ol' loaner car experience. That car and I bonded. God damn it; I re-filled her washer fluid. What we had meant something. And now it's all over.

Taking that car back was anticipatedly painful. Driving down the last stretch of road before pulling into the bodyshop's lot, I'm man enough to admit that I was about to cry. It felt like I was taking my best friend to be shot or something. It sucked is what I'm trying to say.

What sucks even more is this transition back into being a loser who drives a Civic (as opposed to a loser who drives an Audi... that isn't his). The transition isn't going to be hard just for me, but for the few people who are unlucky enough to hang around me. They're pretty much going to have to hear nothing but nonstop crap about my quest for a new car until I A) get a new one or B) realize that it's not going to happen. So, yeah, I'm sorry.

Hey, while we're at it, anyone wanna buy a '98 Civic HX with 90K miles on it? It's in all-around great condition, and the accident was only body damage which has now been fixed.

Yeah, that's all it's been for the past few weeks. Gotta get a new car. Gotta get something nice with that bullshit wood trim I like so much. Which means, of course, that Project 3-Series is in full effect. Now, I don't need a 3-series, but I fucking need it.

Yeah, I could find myself a nicer car. Yeah, I could find one way faster. I could even find something else with that bullshit wood trim. But once I set my sights on something, that's pretty much it. Nothing is going to make me feel like quite the asshole that I'd feel like in a Bimmer. Besides, getting one would be completely hypocritical, and, let's face it -- that's just my style.

My backup is the Acura TSX. I testdrove one a few weeks ago, and yeah, that's a pretty nice car. I know that I'm a huge fucking prick when that's my "backup." I mean, seriously. That car just felt good to drive. It comes loaded with pretty much all the features you could want (as opposed to a 325i, where damn near everything is a fucking option). If I get a red or a black one, I can get the leather interior color that comes along with bullshit wood trim (which means that I'll get a red one since black cars, while fucking slick, are too damn hard to keep looking clean). Since I have an "in" at an Acura dealership, I could get a decent deal on one. But I just know I'm not going to be fully happy with anything less than a 3-series, even if I settle for the 325 as opposed to the 330.

I'm kind of in a crunch, too. The 2005 model year is going to be very short for the 3-series since the '06 is going to be introduced in about six months. I don't think I like the look of the '06 (which you can see a couple of shots of here) as much as the clean look of the current incarnation. So we'll see what happens.

Anyway, yeah, that's a good deal of what's been occupying my mind for the past few weeks. Scheming ways to free up or make cash, coming up with budgets; all that materialistic, money-driven shit. Pretty much the same thing I've done with all 25 years of my life. But oh effing well. Driving that Audi was like being wrapped inside joy, and now all Dr. Soran wants is to get back to the Nexus.