Let's just get this over with

So I'm sitting there Tuesday night, watching the returns coming in. Pretty much every state is going exactly how it was expected to go since that's how it went last time. All that's going though my head is the rhetorical question: Have we learned NOTHING in four years? I mean, Jesus Christ. Do people really want another four years of this bumbling fuck, getting us into unnecessary wars and inflaming the entire world while his supposed underlings destroy civil liberties, a woman's right to choose, and the separation of church and state? Oh, and do people really look forward to Supreme Court justices probably dying tomorrow so Bush can start making his appointments?

Apparently, they do. That's why Bush got a huge, sweeping mandate from across the entire country for another four years. Yeah, a solid victory, or another pretty close election. One of the two.

Of course I ask myself, how the fuck can people be so goddamn stupid? Taking aside, for a minute, the fact that they're Americans. But god damn it, how the hell can you vote for Bush? Well, there's the fact that some people, for whatever reason, actually believe in Bush. Others (rich fucks) have something to gain. Then for everyone else, there's the fact that Kerry kinda fucking sucks.

I've made no secret of my disdain for John Kerry. With the exception of the time he used the word "Orwellian," he pretty much never gave me hope or inspiration. But that still wasn't as bad as the alternative in Bush. This, of course, makes me case study zero for what was wrong with the left in this election. So many people were saying "anybody buy Bush." We started with the conclusion. While that may have worked for Vladimir Nabokov, it's no way to try and bring about change in government. We needed to start with the idea of having a really solid candidate first, and use that to make the case of why he should be in the Oval Office.

Of course, there was virtually no one solid to run on the Democratic ticket. And, of course, most of us weren't stupid enough to accept anybody but Bush. I mean, if Hitler was resurrected and ran for the D nomination, no one would have gotten behind him. Well, except for maybe Michael Moore and Al Franken. Yes, I've expressed affection for both of those guys in one regard or another (even if both are completely unwavering liberals and one's a propagandist), but there are always going to be people who would support even a piece of shit (or, if you prefer, a giant douche dooshe) if you dressed it up and put a sign on it that said "Democratic nominee."

So yes, Kerry sucked, but given the playing field, he was adequate. Or at least, he was sufficiently not un-adequate, and, you know what? Fuck it. You know what I mean.

When it comes to Kerry, I realized awhile back that the left was fundamentally fucked. Say what you want about Bush (as many of us have), but a good deal of the people on his side genuinely support him. As opposed to the left, where many of us didn't really support Kerry, we just wanted to not support Bush. Not so good.

So, where did John Kerry himself go wrong? You mean, besides everywhere? Hell, where do we start? How about with "the first presidential decision a candidate makes," choosing a running mate. Looking back, John Edwards was a really stupid choice for VP. They brought Edwards on board for what? For image. And then they didn't even make much use of him! When he was first picked, it's like "Ooh! Finally some energy in this campaign!" And after a couple of weeks, it's like he wasn't even there anymore. I also have to admit that every now and then, I found myself buying into the FUD (fear, uncertainty, doubt) over the fact that Edwards had virtually no experience in anything. But, of course, it wouldn't have been the first time that someone got into a high post without much relevant experience (like, say, Bush). But yeah, a lawyer with two unremarkable years in the Senate would have been, as they kept saying, "only a heartbeat away from the Presidency." Contrast this with Dick Cheney, who has lots of experience and is always a heartbeat away from not having a heartbeat anymore.

ETP and I were playing DOA online a couple of nights ago with this other guy. The other guy kept giving Eli shit for his battle tactics, which consisted of standing off a good distance and waiting for the other guy to bring the fight to him. Whether or not it pissed the other guy off, ETP was fighting rounds on his terms. And you know what? He won quite a few fights. The Republicans did this masterfully. They did things their way, and they forced the Democrats to play on Republican terms. Throughout the campaign, John Kerry and the whole Democratic party spent their time either twiddling their thumbs or going on defense. The Republicans scared them from doing anything aggressive and then attacked at their leisure.

I understand why the Democrats played it safe, other than the fact that they're a bunch of candy-asses. It was a gamble either way. If they get aggressive, what might happen is that they lose their hard-fought image of being the non-vicious party of hope. Of course, if they stay docile, last Tuesday might happen.

In 2000, many liberals and Democrats could at least make excuses that Bush's victory was the result of Supreme Court interference or other malfeasance. Of course, despite the fact that a lot of that holds water, I still blamed Al Gore for being dumb enough to let that election be close to begin with. Barring any fifteenth-hour bombshells, the left has no excuses this time around. Not that they won't make (and aren't already making) excuses, but they don't have ones as good as last time around. No, this was a fuck-up, plain and simple.

John Kerry said after his defeat something to the effect of "we have made the case for change." No, Bush made the case for change all on his own. He made the case by being a shitty fucking President. But despite all of Bush's fuck-ups, John Kerry still could not get his shit together for six goddamn seconds to tell people, "Alright, y'all, check this out." A great set-up, and he blew it. John Kerry had months -- if not a year or more -- to let the American people know who he is and why he was a better choice. For some people it was self-evident -- namely, he's not Bush -- but lots of people were on the fence. People on the fence, apparently, are going to give the incumbent automatic extra points if they aren't getting a clear indication of a decent alternative. John Kerry had all this time to convince some of those people who were undecided as to why the hell they should vote for him. And he didn't do it.

Fuck is Murphy's Irish Stout a good beer. That has nothing to do with the current discussion, but I thought I'd just throw that out there.

Up to this point I have, of course, completely discounted the Republican propaganda machine. Yes, the Democrats have their propaganda as well, but there's a key difference between the two: Republican propaganda works. They played on America's fears like Beavis plays with his wiener, and they used that to help ride their way to victory. But I'm not letting us on the left off anywhere near that easily. Once again: no excuses. What is our fault? This is. If we don't blame ourselves, we're never even going to begin thinking of maybe looking into fixing our problems some day.

So, where does this leave us? Personally, I'm wondering if there's a way that I can be a Republican without believing in, like, 80-90% or more of what they believe. You know, I can just hang out with the cult, and when they say "The sun sucks," I just go along with them -- "Yeah, fuck the sun, I fucking hate it too, long live the fucking beast." I just want to be on the winning side and maybe enjoy a few of the benefits; that's all.

Of course, I have been joking to ETP for awhile now that I'm probably just a couple of pay raises away from voting Republican anyway. Naturally, while I am doing pretty well for my age group, I am far, far away from really benefiting from Republican tax cuts.

Therein lies a problem, though. Tax cuts. Americans can be lead ANYWHERE with the promise of a tax break in some form or other. "What? Bush wants to exterminate six million Arabs? Fine, whatever -- just give me my $300 check and stay the fuck away from my gun." Hey, no one likes paying taxes, except for the real hard-core liberals out there. The rest of us don't like doing it, but some of us will do it without too many complaints. But even I could get on board with the whole tax cut thing if they just pushed it a bit further.

Here's where we can at least start getting to some of the positives in the outcome of the election, if there are any. As anyone who either knows me or has read at least one of my posts knows, positivity is not my strong suit, so that's why this is going to be piss-poor. Here we go, trying to look at the glass as half-full (ignoring the fact that the glass is shattered on the fake hardwood floor you bought with your $300 check, and we're only bullshitting ourselves into picturing that the glass is still half-full, thinking that's as good as it actually being half-full).

There's one question that's dominated my actions as of late whenever it comes to anything financial: Is this conducive to Project 3-Series? I can all but promise you that John Kerry was planning to raise taxes on all of us, regardless of what he said. How the fuck else was he going to get the deficit under control and still fund all of the shit he wanted to fund? This is ignoring, of course, the fact that the R congress probably wouldn't have gone for a lot of what he wanted, but still. I don't doubt that he would raise taxes if he A) felt it necessary and B) could have gotten it passed. That most certainly would not be conducive to Project 3-Series. But I voted for Kerry anyway. I did that for you guys; I was planning to take one for the team. And this is how you fuckers repay me? I hate you guys.

Okay, getting off track, as always. Another thing that's good about Bush winning is that comedy most definitely will not suffer as a result. Bush, the "satirical tackling dummy" (as Bill Maher put it), will be around for another four years of mockery. Not that a President Droopy wouldn't have left plenty of room to make fun of, but it just wouldn't have been the same.

John Kerry's defeat pretty much opens the door for Hillary to run in '08, assuming there's a country left for her to run as president of. And, let's face it -- regardless of how you feel about Hillary, unless if you're a die-hard Republican, the prospect of the Republicans losing to the hated Clintons is pretty funny think about.

Then there's the Bush twins. I can talk about fucking them for the next four years and still have it be relevant.

Finally, you know, there's always the chance that Kerry would have fucking things up pretty badly all on his own. I honestly never thought he could be as bad as Bush, no matter how much he sucked, but you never know. At least with Bush, I already know the intensity and the quality of the ass-fucking I'm going to get, and as such it'll be much easier to prepare both my mind and my sphincter for the oncoming sodomy.

Yup, these are really small consolation prizes, but I'm kinda/sorta (but not really) trying to find a silver lining here.

And yeah, maybe I can just make the transition to being a conservative. I've made no attempts to hide the fact that I'm a greedy, self-serving, material-driven fuck. So you know what? Fuck the poor, fuck the environment, fuck everyone. I need a 330. You say the deficit is going to go sky high? Who cares. "But future generations will be paying for it!" Yeah, you know who's having kids? Not me. So everyone else is on their own.

But god damn it. Greedy or not, I don't want to live in a world of literal perpetual war. I don't want to live in a world where Roe v. Wade is under constant attack or maybe even struck down. I don't want to live in a nation where we, as a government, not only support Jesus, but we don't even pretend that we're not supposed to. I don't want John Ashcroft (or whoever succeeds him, if indeed he leaves) taking away my porn. I don't want to live in a world where all those fucking inbreds from the South are smiling through their tooth because their guy won again. I don't want to live life in a place where 2+2=5 and dissent=unpatriotic. I don't want to live in a fucking fascist country, god damn it.

Okay, okay. While we are well on our way to single-party statehood, I wouldn't (yet) call the American situation fascism. But I would most definitely call it fascism lite.

Overall, I am just not that pissed about things. At least, no more than I already was. How could I be? I knew this is what was going to fucking happen. I said time and time again that Kerry was just going to lose anyway. I'm sure some of you are like "You know what? Maybe you just wanted Kerry to lose." Yeah, you go on with your bad self. The rest of us will be strapping ourselves in, because whether we like it or not, it's going to be four more years.

Saddle up. Lock and load.