Yahoo search:

how to find objects around the house to fuck yourself with

I dunno... Get up and fucking look for them? God damn it people are lazy.

While looking through the search results, I found the following probably-not-work-appropriate site which amused me greatly: How to Bang Just About Any Object in Your House.

Is there anything better than masturbation? Sure, it's not as good as real sex (theoretically, at least), but it's almost always available and fun unless if you're some kind of real fuck-up. In addition to the pleasure factor, it also provides us with all this great humor. Sure, sometimes the joke's on you, but hey, shit happens.

"If you ever get caught masturbating, the first thing to do is act surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. Just start yelling 'Help! Help! My hand and peeny are fightin'! Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito 'cause this is a battle royale!"
- Dave Attel

"But you know what I like even better than women? Pornography. 'Cause I can get pornography."
- Patton Oswalt