I made the mistake of seeing Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy tonight. Should be a huge surprise to everyone that I hated it. You know, I never read the book, so that could be part of my experience this evening being summed up by saying "Well, there's two more hours of my life that I can't get back." Well, that's actually most if not all of the reason for me not enjoying it. Had I read the book when I was younger, I might have been more inclined to get on board with the somewhat juvenile humor, the kookiness just for the sake of being kooky, and the ridiculous use of language that gave us long strings of semi-big words that when put together had no real meaning (pan-dimensional blahbitty-blah, etc.). But I didn't, and I wasn't.

Or maybe reading the book wouldn't have helped. As we all know, any movie based on a book will inevitably lead to someone (and by someone, I mean everyone who's read the book) saying that "the book was much better." On that front, I defer to Jim Gaffigan: "What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."

Overall, my biggest issue is that the movie -- and I suspect the book -- is not as clever as it clearly thinks it is. Yes, it appeals to dorks because it's trying to be all weird and "out there," but that right there is a formula for crap, and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy delivers on that front.

Oh, and I almost forgot another huge gripe. Towards the end of the movie, the two main characters find -- what else? -- the Fifth Element. Seriously, I have just about fucking had it with love being the "big point," or at least one of the big points, in movies. Could you be any more trite? No, no you could not. Oh, and before anyone starts going off about how I don't like love and romance and all that nonsense just because I'm lonely and bitter, go fuck yourself. I'm fine with that crap when it's done right, but seemingly no one ever does it right except for lonely Japanese pedophiles (read: people who make anime) and probably a couple of others. I've been known to get misty-eyed over the decent stuff. Don't look at me.

If finding out that the main characters fall in love and live happily ever after really pisses you off, then please, smack yourself across the face. If you can't see that coming in a Hollywood movie, well, no further explanation is needed.

ETP read the book when he was younger, and from his description of some of the characters and thematic elements, the book does seem slightly better. But I'm still not reading it, so that saves me a little bit of time.

The movie had one good line: "Let me handle this -- I'm British. We know how to queue." There were lots of other lines that came close to being good, but didn't quite make it. Oh, and for anyone who's seen it or is familiar with the characters, let's just get this out of the way: "But what about Marvin? He's all depressed and shit and he hates everything! Surely you liked that." Once again, we have a case of people thinking that they "get" me, when they don't. Marvin bordered on funny a few times, but that schtick just got old really quickly. Maybe I could take a lesson from that, but again, go fuck yourself.

Being what this is, a movie for dorks based on some dork property, it allows said dorks to come out of the woodwork and really let their talents shine. Despite the fact that there were all of maybe ten people who weren't us in the theater, there was still a contingency of stupid fucks in their bathrobes, passing out towels and announcing how they'll be doing a poetry reading later on. All I can say is fuck you, chief. Fuck you as hard as possible in the ass with something very large and cumbersome that makes liberal use of hot metal and glass shards. God damn it, I wish I wasn't such a fucking pussy and would start saying this kind of stuff when people start acting up. Or maybe not, because I'll get myself killed pretty quickly. You may see that as something good; I do not.

Look, I'm not trying to be some kind of elitist, even though I am. I'm an engineer, I like Star Trek, I have a DVD shelf packed with anime titles, and my house has an entire room that was designed at the outset to be filled with toys. My dork credentials are well in order, but all the same, fuck those people.

You want something positive? Fine, here's something positive. There's something I find very cute about the lead actress, Zooey Deschanel, despite having quite possibly the goofiest fucking name ever. Maybe it's the dark hair/blue eyes combination or that she has this kind of nerdy and maybe even attainable quality to her; I don't know. I cared a great deal for that one part where she was in like these blue running shorts and knee-high argyle socks. But really, that coupled with the queue joke was all that this movie had going for it, and those things aren't enough to justify making, selling, or watching this movie.

Let's see how it rates:

Goofy language: -5
Cleverness: -5
Romantic denouement: -5
Allowing dorks to come out and think they're cool when, in fact, they still are not: -50
Knee-high argyles and blue eyes: +2

Total score: -63

Yeah, that sounds like a steaming pile of quality to me.