How to make friends and influence people

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fleshlight pete

Okay, I totally want us to make friends with a guy named Pete and then buy him a Fleshlight just so that we can call him "Fleshlight Pete." I dunno why, but that nickname has a good ring to it.

We'll add ol' Pete here to the growing list of friends that we wanna make for completely illegitimate reasons. Since we're so bad at making and then subsequently keeping friends, we've decided that we should just give up on the whole "keeping" part and roll with what we're good at. As the Demotivator says, if you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. So we just want to make friends from here on out with the express intent of eventually driving them off. We definitely want to make at least one of those new "friends" cry right before the end.

I can't really imagine how things have gotten to this point, but this all reminds me of a story.

You have no idea what we're capable of, just by being us. Take for example this one kid we knew several years back. He was kind of a jackass, but he was a decent enough guy. A good drinking buddy; you know, not someone you get real deep with, but someone you can hang with and shoot the shit with. One shining example of what we were capable of was when he made known his desire to get a Lincoln Navigator. I find the Navigator to be an appallingly stupid choice in automobile purchasing, and I let my feelings be known. We gave him so much shit over the Navigator that it actually got to the point that he didn't want one anymore.

That wasn't the best thing, though. You see, this guy was a typical guy in his early 20s. Go out, party, do that bullshit; he could even get some poon if so desired. But we pretty much ruined that. By the time we were done with him, he was pretty much as big of a sad-sack loser as ETP and I. Our lack of desire to interact with others and our general disdain for life really rubbed off on him. It was hilarious.

Before you get the waterworks going for this poor soul, let me tell you what he was capable of and why it's not really such a big tragedy. BOETP introduced this guy to a friend of hers from college. She was decently attractive, but had had issues with her weight in the past. She had been bulimic, and this guy was full well aware of that. One night at dinner, he referred to her as -- and I kid you not -- "Butterball." If that were me in her position, the earth would be splitting open beneath him with flames shooting out and pulling him down to a fiery death. But you know what? She cried it off, and they stayed together. So he was a dick, she was a dipshit, and they pretty much deserve each other. She has a guy who is an ass, and he is stuck with one non-noteworthy girl and really isn't having fun like he used to.

Working in concert, the three of us totally ruined that kid's life, and it was awesome.