It's a chicken!

Okay, I seriously am not posting this link because the story involves sex with an underage girl. For various reasons I'm trying to knock that shit off, but I doubt I'll be very successful. At any rate, I need to talk about some other shit.

"... the Fundamental Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints..."

I apparently was not up to speed on the Mormons, as I didn't realize that there was a fundamentalist sect of them running around out there. I guess I just thought that all of them were into the multiple wives thing. Either way, regular Mormons are fucking nuts as it is. I'm sorry, but that's all there is to it. Hey, I've known a good one or two of them, and that's an adequate sample population if I ever saw one. Seriously, all I needed to see was the family of this one girl we were friends with in high school. If I thought it would piss off enough people, I'd go into it.

Well, okay. So check this out. They put on this front of being a pretty happy family and all that shit. Then it gets to one point where her dad was cheating on her mom with this total flake who, fuck, was she a stripper? I can't even remember the whole ordeal. Needless to say, a divorce ensued. Her dipshit dad went off and did his thing, and her mom ended up getting together with this guy who was like 15 years younger than her. Of course, she wasn't exactly upfront with how young he was with her kids, and it wasn't until our friend went and snooped and looked at his driver's license that everyone found out just how young he was. It's not like anyone gave a shit; her mom was pretty cool and rather hot, so we were like, more power to 'ya if you want a younger guy. Like Wanda Sykes once said, of you can't find a good man, raise one. Anyway, he was uncomfortable around kids his own age. He earned the nickname of "Junior" with us.

Our friend was a good Mormon girl. I guess. She wouldn't do the caffeine thing, wouldn't smoke, shit like that. But once the shit started to hit the fan with her parents, it was on. All of a sudden she was trying out booze, and cigarettes, and Pepsi, and just generally going against everything she claimed to believe. So that was definitely entertaining. Prior to all this I had developed a pretty big crush on her, knowing full well that it was a mistake since she was crazy well before her parents' marriage hit the rocks. But I couldn't help it; she was cute -- despite having those mormon teeth -- and we got along rather well. Unfortunately for me, however, her "Mormon Girl Gone Wild" phase did not include dating guys she considered "second rate garbage." Like I said, I knew what I was getting myself into with that racket.

Okay, so I hadn't intended to start giving some insight into why I'm so damaged on certain fronts, so let's get back to how fucked up the mormons are.

Members believe a man must marry at least three wives in order to ascend to heaven.

This sounds reasonable. If you have the patience to put up with one woman bitching at you for the rest of your life -- nonetheless three -- you deserve some kind of reward once you're put down.

The sect dominates the towns of Colorado City, in Arizona, and Hildale, in Utah, less than a mile away.

Why is Colorado City in Arizona? I don't care if the river runs through there; that's stupid. And is Donna Reed one of these people? Hey, the town might have dropped an "L" over the years.

And, uh, I guess that's really it. Mormons are scary, and the idea of Fundamental Mormons is even scarier.

Oh, I guess I could talk about polygamy, but it really boils down to the fact that I don't care, and I don't see why anyone else should either, except that they're dumb. "It'll destroy the foundation of" shut the fuck up. If you really want multiple women nagging you or you want to share your husband with other women, you go right ahead. I could give a shit.

"Yeah, and I heard that the whole Osmond family, is a bunch of morons."
- Beavis