Fuck you, asshole. I'll pay a 25% tax if someone sets up a site dedicated to sodomizing members of congress. You want money to fight child porn? Why don't you stop rubber-stamping worthless wars and use that money instead? I know, I know, it's not that simple. Well, it should be. Hey, if you want to stop child porn, just put me to work. Between the people who come to my weblog via search engines and the people I talk with on IRC -- many of whom, I'm guessing, have some bad shit on their hard drives -- I can probably be more effective in rounding people up than even Shaq.

My guess, though, is that they won't be too keen to hire someone who they're just waiting for to go and meet with a "girl" he met in a chat room. This would require me, of course, to both go back on my word (something I never do here) and walk into a trap of some sort, but damn, am I lonely. I'm sure the guys in prison will keep me company, though. No, if I went stupid and tried some shit like that, I'd just kill myself. And if I committed suicide, I'd make sure to do it like a man.

In some ways, I wish we could re-wind the 'Net back to 1995, when you actually could meet chicks online. Of course, the 'Net of old I'm talking about wasn't even the Internet, but good ol' BBSes. Hell yeah, motherfuckers, that was where it was at. You could not only meet girls, but you could meet ones that were actually hot. Sure, some (if not all) were kind of crazy, but they were the kind of crazy where they'd just break your heart and ruin your life, not the kind who would literally cut you into pieces and end your life.

Believe me, this is how it was back in the good ol' days. My hook up back then was a BBS called OneNet Boulder. It was via ONB that I met my first girlfriend. You're laughing? I'm not laughing. As alluded to above, she was indeed nuts, but she was also fucking hot. You're probably wanting to call "bullshit!" right now, but I wouldn't bullshit you guys like that. No, I bullshit you people in completely different ways, and you should know by now that I'm not prone to embellishing the details of my love life (or lack thereof, as it would be). If you still don't believe me just ask ETP. He'll back me up on this one, and he has good taste in women since I generally tend to agree with his choices. Oh, and you know that friend I mentioned in the coffee post? Met her the same way. Sure, I saw no hot action out of that relationship, but I did somehow manage to make a friend who has put up with my shit for a decade and still counting. Plus I have a really nice espresso machine now.

Alright, I know what your question is: "This girlfriend you had. You were what, 15 or 16 back then? So what was she, four?" No, shithead, things (both me and the online world) weren't as fucked up back then. You could meet non-killers and non-FBI types who were around your own age. Okay, she was about two years younger than me, but that's nowhere near bad. And if you're thinking that you have figured out some big pieces of Humbert's puzzle with the clues sprinkled throughout this post, you're probably right.