Alright everybody, you're going to have to sit down for this next one. Considering you're reading a 'blog and most likely at your computer that shouldn't be much of a problem. Now, we've all seen a lot of dumbass, frivolous, unfounded lawsuits over the years. People suing McDonald's for spilling coffee on themselves. People suing food companies because they made themselves fat. People suing tobacco companies after they knew full well smoking is bad for you. People suing Fear Factor because they got sick while watching the show. But all of that pales in comparison to -- wait for it -- this.

Heckard apparently is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

For filing this lawsuit, Michael Jordan should be allowed to show up at this guy's house and beat the shit out of him, thus causing permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering.

He is suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes.

What were they supposed to do? Promote Jordan so he's only marginally famous, and then stop?

But Heckard bears a physical resemblance to Jordan because he has a shaved head, an earring in his left ear, and is in good physical shape -- from playing basketball.

So let your hair grow, don't wear an earring, let yourself get fat, and find another sport, prick.

Wouldn't most people consider that a compliment?

"Yes, don't get me wrong it's definitely a positive thing, because Michael, like I say is one of the best ball players that I've known to play the game."

So you're suing. Over something that you admit is a positive thing. Right.

"So I want to be recognized as me just like Michael's being recognized as Michael."

Explain to me again how this is a problem for Jordan, Nike, and the courts to solve.

The television station apparently caught Heckard wearing blue Air Jordan tennis shoes.

What. An. Asshole.

What made Heckard decide to file suit against Jordan and Knight for $416 million each?

"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."

Nice, genius.