We'll always have Paris. Sadly.

One of the things I hate the most (this is pretty telling considering how much shit I hate) is bullshit celebrity announcements that are treated as if they're actual, important news. Like remember when Snoop Dogg gave up weed? That's great, Snoop, I'm cool with whatever you do. But aside from the impact it has on yourself and those around you, it's fucking meaningless. Or how about Lance Bass coming out recently? I don't give a shit if some man bander is gay or straight. It effects nothing other than the people he fucks.

Then today I see this. I don't give a flying fuck, OK? Hey, when you announce that you're going to stop showing off your cunt to the rest of the world (I mean the one between your legs, not the bigger one named "Paris Hilton"), then you can announce that as news because it will actually mean something to me. But this? Who gives a shit.

... says Hilton, who told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime.

Alright, whatever. This woman just might have a looser interpretation of sex than Clinton. Pun intended.

"I never received a dime from it. It's just dirty money and he should give it all to some charity for the sexually abused or something."

How much money do you have, you fucking bitch? I'd be curious if she gives out any money that helps victims of sexual abuse. And even if she does, she could most likely stand to give a little bit more.

The Hilton Hotels heir and uber-socialite told the magazine she is "very shy" and relates to the late Princess Diana, who was hounded by photographers.

Again, Paris, we have all seen pictures of your vagina. I have known plenty of outgoing girls who have never had a picture showing their cooch show up in a magazine.

"I've been in cars trying to get away from speeding paparazzi before and it's horrible, so I can relate to Diana and the problems she had," Hilton is quoted as saying.

Yeah, well, except that Diana is dead, and you're not. Oh, if only things were reversed. The media hype around Di was fucking ridiculous, but at least she was a mother and supported some good causes. As opposed to, you know, being a dumb cunt who just expects others to donate to good causes.

The absolute worst thing about Paris Hilton is that she's ugly. I've seen maybe a couple of pictures where it was like, okay, maybe she's marginally pumpable there, if you can discount all the diseases you'd catch from her. But by and large she looks like shit. Obviously it would be preferable to deal with neither, but why can't we at least make a trade for her sister to be the one we always have to see all over the goddamn place? She's no prize package either, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's equally as vapid, but she's at least decent looking compared to that cunt Paris.