Google search:

star wars lolicon

Am I going to have to take another look at that franchise? The dirtiest thing I can think of off the top of my head is that whole, you know, incest thing going on between Luke and Leia. You totally know those characters got it on off camera.

Yahoo search:

Who invented Cobb Salad

I'm #2 on Google and Yahoo for that one, and that is just fucking sweet.

Since the threat from Rhythm Nation has been ameliorated, we should shift our efforts in the area of round-the-clock, border-to-border saturation bombing towards people like the Parents Television Council. Look, I don't really care to see Paris Hilton (I'll get back to you when she's as hot as everyone apparently thinks she is, as opposed to just some skank), and seeing her doesn't really make me want to have a burger. Well, that is unless if it's made out of her stupid dog.

Seriously, you go girl:

Carl's Jr.'s message to the PTC: "Get a life."

And of course, the usual litany of shit:

The PTC's main objection is that unlike a television program, parents have no way of knowing when the Paris Hilton Spicy Burger ad is going to appear on TV, and cannot steer their children away from it.

Shut up...

Caldwell says that because the ad is airing during sports programs, and FOX's "OC", which are heavily watched by teens, it promotes sexuality to an audience that might not be ready for it.

Shut up...

"It's difficult to gauge how children are going to react to this."

Shut up.

Okay, lightning round: teens are going to have sex no matter what you do, this cannot harm kids in any substantial way unless if they're retarded, fuck you and do some goddamn parenting every once in awhile.

First we had dancing for God, and now we apparently have gaming for God. Fantastic. Oh, and if you don't get the whole "dancing for God" thing, hey, I fucked fruit.

"We also pray for God's unyielding protection for our company..."

Fuck you. If God exists, which He probably doesn't, He isn't going give a flying fuck about your shitty company. Your God, who is supposedly so special, doesn't even give a shit about eight-year-old little girls. No, the typical jokes aren't coming. I don't understand how people can believe in a just and caring god when truly awful shit like that is allowed to happen. "God works in mysterious ways!" Fuck God and his shitty ways. What kind of a fucking evil piece of shit asshole do you have to be to allow that kind of stuff to happen? Like I said, I'm not convinced that there is any kind of supreme being, but plenty of people are. How can you actually take your shit seriously?

As always I've covered this before, but there are really only three possibilities that I can see when it comes to this whole God bullshit: there is no god, there is a god and god doesn't care, or there is a god and god is an asshole. There is just no goddamn way that there is a god who both loves us and has some kind of active hand in our lives, otherwise we wouldn't see shit like a little girl getting abducted and then sexually assaulted and buried alive within sight of her own home.

This also made me sick from the second article:

"She's 8 years old. Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever heard?"

Ummm, no, you stupid bitch. Yeah, that's so beautiful that she had to be raped and left for dead just to have a Jesus moment. Okay, okay, I'm sure this is partly because woman is just trying to cope, but still. I had to say something. I also find it sad that the poor girl has been bullshitted into believing that nonsense, but you know, if it helps her cope in some way, I guess for once I'll look on the bright side. But only this once.

Hopefully they'll just kill that kid who did that to her. Or maybe not; life in prison for a child sex offender is in just about every way better. But there's a part of me that says just kill him and get it over with. I'm torn on this one, really.

Okay, back to some less serious nonsense with the first article:

"No blood, no guts, no gore."

Well, if you're worried about kids being exposed to blood and gore and other atrocities, better keep them away from the Bible.

This is just funny.

I don't need to explain why I think that Red Robot is one of the greatest characters ever created for anything. All he needs is to develop a creepy fetish or two and he is officially a god of some kind.

I have never wanted an 11-year-old more. Don't give me that look; you can't tell me that a perfect game isn't hot and that she isn't cute in that uniform. Hey, from another article I saw that she's already taller than me, so I think that gives me a pass.

I should really be depressed for about a million reasons right now, but I'm not. Okay, I'm a little depressed about the "five inches taller" thing (yes, five), so let's move on.

Okay, now that he obligatory "I am a huge pedo" jokes are out of the way, I'm going to re-new my completely serious call to allow women to play Major League Baseball. Baseball got lame when it became all about home runs. I know that some of you are saying that baseball was lame to begin with, but fuck off. I mean, it's not like I don't agree -- baseball is fucking boring -- but for some inexplicable reason some of us enjoy it. As usual, I'm digressing. I'm just tired of games ending 13-12, because that's not how baseball is supposed to be. I'm tired of moving the fences in, lowering the mound, and doing whatever else to hamstring pitchers and help hitters. And of course, this doesn't even get into the whole steriods thing.

Women could totally help slow things down, and I'm not saying that because they'd suck because they wouldn't. Sure, most if not all women aren't going to rise to the ranks of the elite power hitters, but I still think some women could make good pure hitters. I'm telling you, some women have gotta be able to parlay an eye for shoes into an eye for a 95-mile-an-hour fastball. They seem to run plenty fast enough when they want something. So yeah, they won't hit lots of home runs, but they will hit for average. Again, boring to everyone, but something baseball junkies appreciate.

Then again, though, considering the schoolgirls on steriods article I posted a few days back, it might not be long before having women in the game just turned into the same old bullshit as we have now. Well, maybe not. If my completely unbacked theory that women could hit holds, then some women on roids could hit for power, but it probably won't get as ridiculous as it is now, so I'm still cool with that.

Considering how fucking shitty some teams out there are, adding women certainly couldn't hurt anything. My new girlfriend Katie could probably help shore up the Cubs' rotation until that magical day when all our pitchers are healthy. And my hometown and second-favorite team, the Rockies, already plays like a bunch of 11-year-old girls -- ones who can't hit or pitch, that is.

And what if my theory holds true, and women players turn out to be good hitters? Not just good hitters, but even great ones? How much do you think it would piss off some of those beer-swilling sports fucks if a woman hit .400 in a season or got a hit in 57 straight games? Come on, this plan is fucking perfect.

As I see it, the only other option to fix baseball is to bring back the dead ball. I'm sure Major League Baseball will be happy to hear my proposals and enact at least one of them.

Yeah, but did the lab spank any of them?

Offer? You mean require?

Man, fuck The New York Times.

"This is going to help sustain the quality of the information that we make available."

Fuck you. The quality, or lack thereof, would stay the same or go downhill whether you went to a subscription service or not. I hope this tanks fast so that I don't have to A) pay or B) go do other bullshit searching to get my Maureen Dowd fix.

Seriously, that whole Republican thing is looking better and better every day.

This society has got to stop. Why today? Schoolgirls on 'roids. No, it's not a new website I'm starting up.

"Well, he did help Anne lose weight."
"Peter, she's anorexic."
"Yeah, I know. The guy's really good."
- Peter and Samir, Office Space

Then there was this nonsense which I might have commented on earlier had I remembered to, but now there's no point since The Onion has it covered.

Alright, so I sat through the series finale of Enterprise last night. Jolene "Big Lips" Blalock -- who has been very vocal about her unhappiness with things like the show's writing -- described the finale as "fucking appalling" in an interview. I'd describe it as... Fucking appropriate.

On Friday, they showed two episodes. The first one wasn't really any kind of lead-in to the second and final, so it wasn't like all the other recent Trek series that got the two-hour finale treatment. Clearly, after all that hard work they've been doing raping the franchise for the past four seasons, they couldn't be bothered to write a finale that big.

The sad thing about the finale was that it wasn't even an episode of Enterprise -- it was an episode of The Next Generation. I'm not kidding. It takes place at the same time as another Next Gen episode from season 7, "The Pegasus." In it, one of Riker's former captains, now an admiral, comes on board and starts a bunch of shit. Riker is all conflicted, torn between his duty to the chain of command and his loyalty to Picard, blah blah blah. In the finale of Enterprise, Riker is working through the issues of "The Pegasus" by fucking around on the holodeck.

Yup, the last episode of Enterprise isn't even real in a sense. That's pretty appropriate; it gets better (or worse, depending on your perspective).

In his little holodeck excursion, Riker is watching events taking place six years after the second-to-last episode of Enterprise. At this point, the ship is about to be decommissioned and the Federation charter is going to be signed. By watching and interacting with the holodeck recreation of all this shit, Riker is supposed to get some kind of insights into command. The whole ridiculous exercise is, naturally, Counselor Troi's idea. Counselor Troi, quite possibly the most worthless character in Star Trek (yes, he's hiding something, Deanna, thanks for the help), played perfectly by a shitty actress.

I love Next Gen and all, but yeah, a lot of the acting isn't exactly what you'd call a tour de force. Marina Sirtis definitely led the pack on that one. Jonathan Frakes was always pretty good, though; he played Riker perfectly. Nowadays, though, he is looking a little worse for wear. He's put on some weight, and throughout the whole Enterprise series finale, he just looked tired. They could have just gotten Jay-Z to play the part, because that guy always looks like he needs a nap. Sirtis, on the other hand, is just fucking decaying. She just looks scary now, although that's partly due to all the goddamn makeup they cake on her. So of course, you can imagine what's going on beneath that paint job.

As far as Enterprise goes, about the only character I really cared about was Trip Tucker, the Chief Engineer. Sad when the hick on the show is its best character, but he really was. He's the show's best character, so what do they do with him in the finale? They kill him off, of course! All that shit and Trip dies at the very end. How very... Appropriate.

The final moment of appropriateness came at the end, when Riker gets pretty much to the end of the saga. Scott Bakula is about to give his big speech to the gathering of delegates at the founding ceremony. Of course, we don't even get to see the speech, but that's par for the course. Right as he's about to start, Riker ends the holodeck program, saying that he was going to go talk to Captain Picard and tell him what he's been hiding from him. That's... Fucking bullshit. I just saw "The Pegasus" a couple weeks ago, and that's not how shit went down. Riker didn't suddenly go to Picard and come clean. He let Picard know what was going on at a critical moment in the episode when the information he had was suddenly vital to the ship's survival. There was no indication in the action leading up to that moment that he was planning to fess up.

Yes, I know, maybe Riker was on his way to talk to Picard and he got interrupted, blah blah blah. The point is, had the Enterprise writers not been so fucking lazy, maybe they could have made things fit in better. You know, maybe they could have watched "The Pegasus" instead of just saying "Hey, this sorta fits" and calling that good enough. Oh, and all of this really isn't a complaint, by the way; I'm happy that the Enterprise writers handled it in this manner. It goes along perfectly with their continual disregard for established story lines. It was one final "fuck you" to continuity.

Star Trek is off the air now, for the first time in forever, and I'm very sad to say that I'm very happy about that. I didn't think it could get worse than Voyager, but oh yes it could, and it did. The powers that be who are in charge of the franchise are indicating that it will be years before Trek is back on TV, so that's good (assuming the time is used to come up with some new ideas for Trek, if that's even possible). Rick Berman supposedly has an idea for a new movie which sounds like total shit, but hopefully they don't let him do that. I would think that it's pretty unlikely after how poorly Nemesis did, plus it sounds like Trek has fallen out of favor over at Paramount. I guess being the first Trek series cancelled in over 35 years will do that to you.

I wish Shao Khan were here so that he could say "outstanding."

I hope the new Assbox is good. As much as I dislike Microsoft, I have to admit, they did a pretty good job with the XBox. It beats the shit out of the GayStation and LameCube, that's for sure. Actually, maybe I should be hoping that XBox 2 sucks ass so that I don't have to spend money on it since, yeah. And for fuck's sake, could they have come up with a stupider name? Probably, which is sad.

What is this stupid "word verification" thing that's showing up (seemingly at random) at the bottom of the create post form on Blogger? Are they worried that I'm going to set up a bot to automatically shit out tons and tons of posts without my knowledge or something? I can't be bothered to go and research what fucking crap is up with Blogger now.

Everyone knows that I hate bumperstickers. I don't care what kind of dog you have. I don't care who you voted for. I don't care if you're pro-choice or pro-life. I hate all of you dipshits even if I'm on your side. I know what I believe, and you're wrong.

Another thing I hate is vanity plates. I just don't see the fucking point, other than, once again, you think that you are way cooler than you actually are. But seriously, you're retarded, and your vanity plate isn't cute or funny or clever. I'll bet a bunch of these fucks are Christians, too. We say "vanity," but that's really just a form of pride, one of the seven deadly sins. Other than knowing that they would be burning in Hell over a license plate if any of that stupid bullshit was true, there's one other thing that does amuse me with those dumbass plates. I'll bet there comes a point when the person with their plates -- which they thought were so bloody special -- realizes just how lame they really are. Not only does their car have something dumb emblazoned on it for the rest of the world to see, but they're stuck with it unless if they go through the effort of having it changed.

And before you ask, yes, I considered getting vanity plates for the Bimmer. I was tempted to get something that had "ZHP" in it, but in the end, I didn't go for it.

I did see a couple of vanity plates that I had to give a slight bit of credit to this past weekend. One read "1IN1E6." At first I just ignored it. Then I was like, what the fuck does that mean? I thought about it for a second. Okay, 1IN -- one in. 1E6? Uhhhh... Oh yeah, one times ten to the sixth. One million. One in a million. Yeah, it's fucking stupid, but I don't think I've ever seen (intentional) scientific notation on a license plate before, so that gets a point or two.

The other plate I saw simple read "PUKE." Yup, that's it -- PUKE. It wasn't even an atrociously shitty car or anything, just this late-model blue Honda Civic that was in good condition. ETP suggested that maybe the name of the guy driving the car was Puke, pronounced "Pooh-kay." I'm guessing it wasn't. Puke.

So back in the day, I used to post. A lot. As a result, the main column of my front page was huge. It more than easily dwarfed all the crap on the sidebar. That isn't happening anymore, so a change has been needed for quite some time. I clearly couldn't get rid of the contact info, because oh-so-many people have gotten in touch with me. I'm not going to remove the guestbook or its links, because we know what a bastion of enlightenment that has been (and will continue to be). Remove the J-List ads? Nope. Sellout. Can't get rid of the "Praise" section just because. I'm not changing my archiving frequency, even though monthly makes more sense for current posting frequencies.

So you know what suffers? Well, more specifically, who: the readers. I long since gave up on trying to keep up with the handful of new linkers that show up every now and then. By the time Technorati got their shit together and made it feasible again, I just didn't care. But that list I had already built up has gotten fucking intractible, so it has come time to clean a lot of those links out. Not all of them, but quite a few. For anyone getting dropped, don't think of this as, ah, you know what? Fuck it. I think we're all much more comfortable with me just leaving things at "ungrateful bastard."

But like I said, they're not all gone. Some 'blogs have kind of an emeritus status thanks to their owners for one reason or another. Some 'blogs stick around just because I like the title. Yes, as always, I'm playing some favorites. Aside from that nonsense, my main policy from here on out is to put 'blogs up there for linkers who actually contribute to this shitpile I call Fuck everything in the form of comments, e-mails, whatever. I tried to remember people who have commented or done something in fairly recent memory, but there's a chance that I may have forgotten some shit since my memory's not what it used to be. You know, they say that masturbation will cause hair to grow on your palms, but apparently it causes hair to grow on your brain.

If for some reason you actually care and you're all bent that you got removed unfairly, feel free to make your case. Don't worry, sucking my dick isn't as bad as it might initially sound.

This is just another chapter in the story of the biggest fucking cocktease ever. I'll bet you it's not even funny when/if it comes back.

Ask Bitch and ye shall receieve. Maybe.

You'll pay for the whole seat but you'll only need the eeeeeeeeeedge!!!!!!

Okay, it's official: the guestbook has gotten away from me. The Fe guestbook isn't human... It doesn't feel pain... It can't be reasoned with! Seriously, I don't know who needs help more -- me or people who actually waste all that time fucking around in other peoples' guestbooks. And I say this knowing full well how sick I am -- sadly, after all this time, you have no real idea. Well, except that it's all in my head. Not sure about those stems in the 'book, though.

Nutscrape search lazy shit blah blah:

animated dinosaur fucking fuck sex fucker

I'm almost tempted to run that search and see what comes up.

Google search:

WHITE CASTLE STORE FINDER

I'll refer you to the previous post concerning Spam.

Okay, so GMail has started including brief text ads at the top of each message listing. The content of the ads, as expected, are dependent on the context of the page you're viewing. As such, when you go to look at your Spam listing (which I often do to make sure no legit e-mails have gotten thrown in there), it now always lists a Spam recipe at the top of the page as the advertisement. I don't know why it doesn't try and read the rest of the page (so I can get more ads about fake Rolexes and dick pills); I'm guessing Hormel and/or some fucking recipe site cut some kind of deal so that something related to Spam shows up no matter what.

Up until this shit started, Spam (as in mail) was just an annoyance, but now I fucking hate it. Well, it and Google. Thanks to those two shitheads, I now get to see some fucking blurb encouraging people to make things with Spam (as in food... and speech). It's fucking disgusting, and I'd really like it to stop. The last thing I want to be thinking about is the disgusting non-meat that is Spam. Here's a little sampling of what shows up now:

Spam Primavera - Toss with linguini, serve immediately

Yeah, serve immediately... Or never. Why don't we all just take a dump on our pasta and call it a day?

I made the mistake of seeing Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy tonight. Should be a huge surprise to everyone that I hated it. You know, I never read the book, so that could be part of my experience this evening being summed up by saying "Well, there's two more hours of my life that I can't get back." Well, that's actually most if not all of the reason for me not enjoying it. Had I read the book when I was younger, I might have been more inclined to get on board with the somewhat juvenile humor, the kookiness just for the sake of being kooky, and the ridiculous use of language that gave us long strings of semi-big words that when put together had no real meaning (pan-dimensional blahbitty-blah, etc.). But I didn't, and I wasn't.

Or maybe reading the book wouldn't have helped. As we all know, any movie based on a book will inevitably lead to someone (and by someone, I mean everyone who's read the book) saying that "the book was much better." On that front, I defer to Jim Gaffigan: "What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."

Overall, my biggest issue is that the movie -- and I suspect the book -- is not as clever as it clearly thinks it is. Yes, it appeals to dorks because it's trying to be all weird and "out there," but that right there is a formula for crap, and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy delivers on that front.

Oh, and I almost forgot another huge gripe. Towards the end of the movie, the two main characters find -- what else? -- the Fifth Element. Seriously, I have just about fucking had it with love being the "big point," or at least one of the big points, in movies. Could you be any more trite? No, no you could not. Oh, and before anyone starts going off about how I don't like love and romance and all that nonsense just because I'm lonely and bitter, go fuck yourself. I'm fine with that crap when it's done right, but seemingly no one ever does it right except for lonely Japanese pedophiles (read: people who make anime) and probably a couple of others. I've been known to get misty-eyed over the decent stuff. Don't look at me.

If finding out that the main characters fall in love and live happily ever after really pisses you off, then please, smack yourself across the face. If you can't see that coming in a Hollywood movie, well, no further explanation is needed.

ETP read the book when he was younger, and from his description of some of the characters and thematic elements, the book does seem slightly better. But I'm still not reading it, so that saves me a little bit of time.

The movie had one good line: "Let me handle this -- I'm British. We know how to queue." There were lots of other lines that came close to being good, but didn't quite make it. Oh, and for anyone who's seen it or is familiar with the characters, let's just get this out of the way: "But what about Marvin? He's all depressed and shit and he hates everything! Surely you liked that." Once again, we have a case of people thinking that they "get" me, when they don't. Marvin bordered on funny a few times, but that schtick just got old really quickly. Maybe I could take a lesson from that, but again, go fuck yourself.

Being what this is, a movie for dorks based on some dork property, it allows said dorks to come out of the woodwork and really let their talents shine. Despite the fact that there were all of maybe ten people who weren't us in the theater, there was still a contingency of stupid fucks in their bathrobes, passing out towels and announcing how they'll be doing a poetry reading later on. All I can say is fuck you, chief. Fuck you as hard as possible in the ass with something very large and cumbersome that makes liberal use of hot metal and glass shards. God damn it, I wish I wasn't such a fucking pussy and would start saying this kind of stuff when people start acting up. Or maybe not, because I'll get myself killed pretty quickly. You may see that as something good; I do not.

Look, I'm not trying to be some kind of elitist, even though I am. I'm an engineer, I like Star Trek, I have a DVD shelf packed with anime titles, and my house has an entire room that was designed at the outset to be filled with toys. My dork credentials are well in order, but all the same, fuck those people.

You want something positive? Fine, here's something positive. There's something I find very cute about the lead actress, Zooey Deschanel, despite having quite possibly the goofiest fucking name ever. Maybe it's the dark hair/blue eyes combination or that she has this kind of nerdy and maybe even attainable quality to her; I don't know. I cared a great deal for that one part where she was in like these blue running shorts and knee-high argyle socks. But really, that coupled with the queue joke was all that this movie had going for it, and those things aren't enough to justify making, selling, or watching this movie.

Let's see how it rates:

Goofy language: -5
Cleverness: -5
Romantic denouement: -5
Allowing dorks to come out and think they're cool when, in fact, they still are not: -50
Knee-high argyles and blue eyes: +2

Total score: -63

Yeah, that sounds like a steaming pile of quality to me.

I guess I was wrong and -- if I'm to believe the bastion of quality that is CNN -- there has been a big story these past couple of days. I know people are gonna be all fascinated by this, but I don't see why anyone would should give a fuck. Some crazy cunt doesn't want to get married so she runs off and makes up this elaborate story about getting kidnapped. Yay, time to wet ourselves with excitement over the stupid crap. Seriously, that woman has got to be off her rocker, at least if that picture of her is any indication.

And how about the shot of the fiance? I'm guessing there are about a million thoughts and emotions going through his head, and that sometime after finding out his non-bride-to-be was found OK, he could be heard muttering a bunch of mostly incoherent crap but still audibly saying something including "snap that bitch's neck." You know, or maybe I'm just projecting. I hope this goes away soon, but it won't.

"She says the wedding is not called off, just postponed."

Right. If this marriage ends up going through anytime soon, yeah, I'm guessing it'll be a pretty solid union. And if they're even allowed to marry, then fuck that. Stupid fucks can get hitched, but better not let those fags get married and sully the fine institution of marriage!

.. she "needed some time alone" before the wedding.

We all need time alone, but we usually don't worry throngs of people and tie up police resources just to get that time alone. All joking aside, this woman most likely needs some serious help in one form or another.

On a completely unrelated note that has a purpose which you will not see, Bill O'Reilly used to host Inside Edition, not A Current Affair.