Seriously, a bunch of these need to get made. Also, while we're on the subject.

Revenge is a dish best served sticky

Yup, I'm posting this Not Proud confession just for the sake of the above joke:

I dated a girl for 3 years and never really fucked as hard as I wanted to or could because she was always afraid I would hurt her and tell me to stop if I was going to hard... I didn't realize how much I wanted to fuck her and hurt her until she cheated on me and I broke up with her ... now I don't wanna talk to her but I really want to have one last encounter with her and I want to fuck her brains out till she is crying then cum on her face and never talk to her ever again.

And for any women thinking of doing some jewelry shopping:

I've titty fucked... and my breasts got all stretched out and irritated. Advice: don't try it.

You already know what the joke is

Yahoo search:

Catholicism AND Bullshit

Okay, so I wanted to know what the fuck the British phrase "phwoar" meant, and my search led me to this page that may come in useful for many of us bloody Americans. I suppose it's useful for other non-British, but who cares. They're all stupid anyway.

Dead baby.

It's been awhile since I originally posted a link to confession site Not Proud (just hit the lust section since all the other ones are probably boring), but I think it's been long enough that this will either be good for anyone unfamiliar with the site or a good reminder for those who do. Some of the shit on there is pretty fucking sad, some of it is just fucked up, and a lot of it pretty funny. I found this one, which really isn't much of a confession, to be particularly poignant:

I wish there was a way to have your cake and eat it, too.

This one had a great closing line:

At first my therapist did not excite me. Skinny. also, totally sincere and sweet like my wife, who had been going to see her for years. After a few months I would start to get hard when ever she said more than a few words at once. One session she was all dressed up in a dress and a slit to mid-thigh. She kept shifting to cover her thigh and I could see her white skin and I am sure she saw my erection. All I could think of was walking across the room, pulling out my cock, and shoving it deep into her mouth. Fucking the words back into her.

The power of positive thinking:

When I get down, I remember the time I fucked two women in one day, and I feel that, all in all, I can't complain.

Somebody's pissed:

I got myself off the other night, it had nothing to do with you. Stop being all proud of yourself.

I'm going to refer you to our previous contestant:

I pretend my pillow is eminem and I fantasize about being his wife and sexing him passionately every night... in my fantasy we are expecting a baby boy... I've had this fantasy with many celebrities and whenever I get bored I alternate them, add kids, buy a new house or cheat on them with their best friends... my mind is so amazing. Imagination rocks!

Whoa, don't get too wild there, dude:

Went to a strip-club over the long weekend in montreal and got my self a lap-dance.

And finally, this guy is apparently too cool for school:

I used to break into my high school and beat off all over the place. In the middle of the gym floor, on the auditorium stage, on the big-titted journalism teacher's desk chair, in the girl's locker room, and the piece-de-resistance, on the principals desk. Security at that school was a joke.

Okay, so I was just reading that All Nippon Airways, a Japanese airline, has released a set of figures showcasing the various uniforms that their stewardesses flight attendants fuck it stewardesses have worn over the years. They aren't the best looking figures I've ever seen (although the set is made by Kaiyodo), but for some reason, I still think I want them. At least a few, like 1958-66, 1966-70, 1982-90, and 2005. The concept is cute yet sexist enough that I'm in. And, naturally, at least one soulless cocksucker on eBay has several of them up for sale.

Can you imagine the uproar if someone like United released a set of lady on the plane figures? And, hey, can they mix in an OL line someday? I won't bother with a call for schoolgirl figures since it's pretty much implied that I'm always up for more of those. Actually, on second thought, maybe they shouldn't -- I really don't need to be getting back into that particular habit.

Ohidaho. If someone can give me sources of that joke besides what Google can provide I would be much obliged. I swear I originally saw it in some kind of a book or something, which included a sketch of the mystical state.

Yeah, I'm definitely in love with this girl. I know I'm probably jinxing it (because the universe is so poorly designed as to care enough to go against me), but I so hope she wins -- if only to see all the dooshebag guys like this boo-hooing and making a bunch of excuses. Fuck guys.

Spam:

Is yours Below 5 Innches Long?

Hey, finally a spam that seeks to make me feel... Adequate.

Okay, here is someone who it will be a bit more healthy for me to lust after. She's hot, she's 5'2", and she can drive. And 'ya know, while she's not underage, she is still younger, so I'll definitely take that action. That's neat, and there's really not much more that I could ask for. I mean, other than the universe turning inside-out so that nonsense fantasy becomes reality. And hey, while looking for pics, I saw that she's engaged. While that's not quite what we're looking for, unless the wedding has already gone down, there's still time. Yeah, it'll work.

Anyway, that site that the article mentioned is still down, and I haven't come across any other decent sites yet (the only one with a couple of good shots is here), so if anyone out there knows of a source for some good pictures of Danica Patrick please be so kind as to let me know.

Can anyone confirm or deny if we get to see Katie Holmes's tits in the new Batman? Because if so, that's a pretty evil fucking trick to get $8.50 out of people.

Criminal Intent sucks, but...

Fuck you, Tom.

That's as political as I'm getting for the time being.

Okay, so believe it or not, I have no desire to meet up with underage girls I find online. This has nothing to do with the fact that the "girls" I find in chatrooms are either guys and/or the Federales. Now I have even less incentive to become a true predator, because if I do, I'll be up against Shaq Attack.

And just because it's got a line in the same vein as this subject, this. The last one is quite good as well.

Google search:

star wars lolicon

Am I going to have to take another look at that franchise? The dirtiest thing I can think of off the top of my head is that whole, you know, incest thing going on between Luke and Leia. You totally know those characters got it on off camera.

Yahoo search:

Who invented Cobb Salad

I'm #2 on Google and Yahoo for that one, and that is just fucking sweet.

Since the threat from Rhythm Nation has been ameliorated, we should shift our efforts in the area of round-the-clock, border-to-border saturation bombing towards people like the Parents Television Council. Look, I don't really care to see Paris Hilton (I'll get back to you when she's as hot as everyone apparently thinks she is, as opposed to just some skank), and seeing her doesn't really make me want to have a burger. Well, that is unless if it's made out of her stupid dog.

Seriously, you go girl:

Carl's Jr.'s message to the PTC: "Get a life."

And of course, the usual litany of shit:

The PTC's main objection is that unlike a television program, parents have no way of knowing when the Paris Hilton Spicy Burger ad is going to appear on TV, and cannot steer their children away from it.

Shut up...

Caldwell says that because the ad is airing during sports programs, and FOX's "OC", which are heavily watched by teens, it promotes sexuality to an audience that might not be ready for it.

Shut up...

"It's difficult to gauge how children are going to react to this."

Shut up.

Okay, lightning round: teens are going to have sex no matter what you do, this cannot harm kids in any substantial way unless if they're retarded, fuck you and do some goddamn parenting every once in awhile.

First we had dancing for God, and now we apparently have gaming for God. Fantastic. Oh, and if you don't get the whole "dancing for God" thing, hey, I fucked fruit.

"We also pray for God's unyielding protection for our company..."

Fuck you. If God exists, which He probably doesn't, He isn't going give a flying fuck about your shitty company. Your God, who is supposedly so special, doesn't even give a shit about eight-year-old little girls. No, the typical jokes aren't coming. I don't understand how people can believe in a just and caring god when truly awful shit like that is allowed to happen. "God works in mysterious ways!" Fuck God and his shitty ways. What kind of a fucking evil piece of shit asshole do you have to be to allow that kind of stuff to happen? Like I said, I'm not convinced that there is any kind of supreme being, but plenty of people are. How can you actually take your shit seriously?

As always I've covered this before, but there are really only three possibilities that I can see when it comes to this whole God bullshit: there is no god, there is a god and god doesn't care, or there is a god and god is an asshole. There is just no goddamn way that there is a god who both loves us and has some kind of active hand in our lives, otherwise we wouldn't see shit like a little girl getting abducted and then sexually assaulted and buried alive within sight of her own home.

This also made me sick from the second article:

"She's 8 years old. Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever heard?"

Ummm, no, you stupid bitch. Yeah, that's so beautiful that she had to be raped and left for dead just to have a Jesus moment. Okay, okay, I'm sure this is partly because woman is just trying to cope, but still. I had to say something. I also find it sad that the poor girl has been bullshitted into believing that nonsense, but you know, if it helps her cope in some way, I guess for once I'll look on the bright side. But only this once.

Hopefully they'll just kill that kid who did that to her. Or maybe not; life in prison for a child sex offender is in just about every way better. But there's a part of me that says just kill him and get it over with. I'm torn on this one, really.

Okay, back to some less serious nonsense with the first article:

"No blood, no guts, no gore."

Well, if you're worried about kids being exposed to blood and gore and other atrocities, better keep them away from the Bible.

This is just funny.

I don't need to explain why I think that Red Robot is one of the greatest characters ever created for anything. All he needs is to develop a creepy fetish or two and he is officially a god of some kind.

I have never wanted an 11-year-old more. Don't give me that look; you can't tell me that a perfect game isn't hot and that she isn't cute in that uniform. Hey, from another article I saw that she's already taller than me, so I think that gives me a pass.

I should really be depressed for about a million reasons right now, but I'm not. Okay, I'm a little depressed about the "five inches taller" thing (yes, five), so let's move on.

Okay, now that he obligatory "I am a huge pedo" jokes are out of the way, I'm going to re-new my completely serious call to allow women to play Major League Baseball. Baseball got lame when it became all about home runs. I know that some of you are saying that baseball was lame to begin with, but fuck off. I mean, it's not like I don't agree -- baseball is fucking boring -- but for some inexplicable reason some of us enjoy it. As usual, I'm digressing. I'm just tired of games ending 13-12, because that's not how baseball is supposed to be. I'm tired of moving the fences in, lowering the mound, and doing whatever else to hamstring pitchers and help hitters. And of course, this doesn't even get into the whole steriods thing.

Women could totally help slow things down, and I'm not saying that because they'd suck because they wouldn't. Sure, most if not all women aren't going to rise to the ranks of the elite power hitters, but I still think some women could make good pure hitters. I'm telling you, some women have gotta be able to parlay an eye for shoes into an eye for a 95-mile-an-hour fastball. They seem to run plenty fast enough when they want something. So yeah, they won't hit lots of home runs, but they will hit for average. Again, boring to everyone, but something baseball junkies appreciate.

Then again, though, considering the schoolgirls on steriods article I posted a few days back, it might not be long before having women in the game just turned into the same old bullshit as we have now. Well, maybe not. If my completely unbacked theory that women could hit holds, then some women on roids could hit for power, but it probably won't get as ridiculous as it is now, so I'm still cool with that.

Considering how fucking shitty some teams out there are, adding women certainly couldn't hurt anything. My new girlfriend Katie could probably help shore up the Cubs' rotation until that magical day when all our pitchers are healthy. And my hometown and second-favorite team, the Rockies, already plays like a bunch of 11-year-old girls -- ones who can't hit or pitch, that is.

And what if my theory holds true, and women players turn out to be good hitters? Not just good hitters, but even great ones? How much do you think it would piss off some of those beer-swilling sports fucks if a woman hit .400 in a season or got a hit in 57 straight games? Come on, this plan is fucking perfect.

As I see it, the only other option to fix baseball is to bring back the dead ball. I'm sure Major League Baseball will be happy to hear my proposals and enact at least one of them.

Yeah, but did the lab spank any of them?

Offer? You mean require?

Man, fuck The New York Times.

"This is going to help sustain the quality of the information that we make available."

Fuck you. The quality, or lack thereof, would stay the same or go downhill whether you went to a subscription service or not. I hope this tanks fast so that I don't have to A) pay or B) go do other bullshit searching to get my Maureen Dowd fix.

Seriously, that whole Republican thing is looking better and better every day.

This society has got to stop. Why today? Schoolgirls on 'roids. No, it's not a new website I'm starting up.

"Well, he did help Anne lose weight."
"Peter, she's anorexic."
"Yeah, I know. The guy's really good."
- Peter and Samir, Office Space

Then there was this nonsense which I might have commented on earlier had I remembered to, but now there's no point since The Onion has it covered.