Some more random shit. First, on Slashdot, the current poll is on pagers. Why the fuck they're talking about pagers now that everyone has a cell phone I'm not sure, but oh well. Anyway, I found this comment highly amusing:

I lost my pager years and years ago. An extraterrestrial intelligence found it and began the long voyage to return it to me here on Earth.

Funniest thing, though, was how the alien mind kept referring to my little gadget as "P'ger."

Second and finally, there is this great joke I heard over the weekend:

Why doesn't Jesus like Tic-Tacs? Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Discharge

I've been waiting a long time to say this, but it's official: The U.S. Military can go fuck itself. Why? Because as of about an hour ago, I am no longer eligible for the draft should they ever get one going. ETP and I can now go around to recruiting offices yelling "We're untouchable, baby!" right before giving them the finger and then leaving. Hey George Bush, go ahead and start whatever fuckin' wars you want, because I won't be fighting in them. Well, unless if I enlist, which I'll do because I love my country.

Oh, I know what you're saying. "Dude, don't make jokes about Bush starting wars. He's gonna do it now that you said that." Well, that's stupid, because it's not like President Dumbfuck wouldn't do that on his own anyway. I mean, of course he wouldn't do it on his own -- the man probably can't take a piss without Cheney holding his dick for him -- but you know what I'm talking about.

Another thing you might be saying: "You know that they're just gonna change the rules or something now, don't 'ya?" I figure that the chances of them firing up the draft are remote as it is; the chances of them extending the age range beyond 18-25 is probably even less likely. But if they did some stupid crap like that, I guess I actually wouldn't be surprised.

"You know what, you arrogant little shit? Maybe you can't get drafted, but someone you care about will be." I sat there thinking about this earlier. Who else do I know that I'm close enough to be bothered by this over? As far as my immediate and near-immediate family goes, there are my cousins, but they're all girls. I don't see them drafting any women even if they do start that nonsense up. For that reason, BOETP and ETP's sister are probably safe as well. ETP turned 26 last month. And he knows that he had a birthday, too, thanks to the heaping mound of presents I gave him. And that's about it. So yeah, what it boils down to is that I don't care. If someone wants to start some shit and a bunch of stupid kids get sent off to get killed, I don't give a fuck. Better them than me. They'll probably find some other way to get me killed (because it's them... they're the ones who are doing it), but it won't be on the front lines in a goddamn war zone.

So, how am I celebrating my newfound freedom from something that never even imprisoned me? Uh, by doing nothing, really. Maybe I'll mix in some masturbating or something, but that's really about it. Well, that won't be happening right now, because I need to go to bed since I need to get up in the morning and go to the bloody DMV, or as Dane Cook aptly refers to it, Satan's Asshole. I need to get my license renewed, and for absolutely no reason I was denied doing renewal by mail. Yes, I'm planning on getting up early, but I know it's futile. Maybe there will at least be a guy there to punch me in the face when I first walk in.

The only thing I can hope for is that there will be some hot girl there getting her license like there was the last time I was at the DMV. That was kinda nice even though it does nothing from a practical sense, but after years in engineering and generally being me, I'm all about just improving the view. And yes, I know I'm trying to knock it off with the underage girl thing, but c'mon. It's gonna take some time, and you know, 16 isn't that bad anyway. So 16 is still on the table (yeah, don't I fucking wish).

"9 SECONDS?! C'MON!!! I'VE GOTTA BE AT WORK IN THREE SECONDS!!!!!"
- If you haven't heard Dane Cook's whole spiel on the DMV, you really oughta

Do you have other big watches or just that one?

Random shit:

• You know what I just downloaded? The video for "Sledgehammer." Holy shit is that a crappy video. All videos from back then blew ass. Most videos from now blow ass, too, even though someone was obviously trying and a bunch of money was spent. Except for that Ludacris video. You don't know me like that!
• Fuck, why did it take until just now to think to go and download that video?
• EDIT: Holy shit, that video is even better with all the fucking swearing in tact! Fucking hate MTV.
• I was just reading that Midway's upcoming Blitz football game is going to include, as a playable character, none other than Ron Mexico.

Okay, that might be it for now. I've been up for 31 hours and I'm not even sure how I can type at this point.

Oh yeah, I could have not been a dick and maybe made mention of the fact that The Ides is back in action. Always good to see a quality 'blog make a return. Now if we could just get Marcellus Wallace's Bloody Gitch up and running once more, we'd totally have the band back together and, uh... Well, that's pretty much it.

Okay, maybe I was just retarded (unlikely since that never happens) or they just fixed things, but Technorati does tell me how many 'blogs link to mine with their new setup. That's pretty much the only number I care about -- aside from daily traffic numbers from pedophiles -- to see how my shitty 'blog is doing. Now if they could just knock off the addition of useless features and make their search run fast on a consistent basis, we'd be set.

For any newcomers, I seriously don't make this Google nonsense up -- it actually shows up in my traffic log. Google search:

i need to get some pussy or i will probably eat shit and die

You know what, dude? A lot of us have got it bad, but... Oh, fuck it. Just kill yourself. I don't really know how you go from a dearth of pussy to eating shit, and I don't wanna.

Yeah, but will NASA's new computer be able to explain it all?

Okay, we can give the kid credit for surviving four days alone in the wilderness. But that's about it. I mean, get this shit:

"We've also told him don't talk to strangers. ... When an ATV or horse came by, he got off the trail. ... When they left, he got back on the trail."

Sooooo... He avoided being rescued. Yeah, that seems pretty smart. Sure, I can understand, I guess, but still. He would have been found earlier if he hadn't been trying to evade rescuers. But that's ok; his parents are "amazed" by their little boy. Especially the father:

"You know, his ability to deal with this initially, I made the comment that I thought that he was the most ill-prepared out of our five children to deal with it..."

and

"He doesn't have any disabilities; he's just immature."

Yeah, way to build the kid's confidence, dipshit. Because I'm sure he doesn't say anything like this -- or worse -- as part of the normal family routine. Of course, I really don't expect much from anyone actually named "Toby." Is Dad gonna write a country song about the whole ordeal?

Why does Technorati have to suck so bad? First, they're always changing shit so that they can add new useless features. So periodically, the site is broken because of that. This couples nicely with the fact that the site is always flaky to begin with. Then there was that period where the list of links to my 'blog was virtually useless since it kept picking up all of the archive links to myself. They finally fixed that, but now? Now they've changed their search so that it only shows the total number of links to my 'blog, and not the number I really care about, which is the number of individual 'blogs linking to mine. Technorati can officially go fuck itself.

You won't care about this, but I do. I never knew that the concept of integrated circuits was, essentially, developed out of the desire to avoid doing other work.

Okay, I, hell, we, are slipping our old age. How did we let this slip by? It had better not be a box of blank discs, too.

Pussy. I know I'm just wasting my breath here, but stick to your fucking guns, you god damn pussy.

Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois said he "never intended any disrespect" to U.S. troops with his June 14 comments...

Why not? If the troops are doing shitty things, then fuck 'em. It's not disrespect if you're calling assholes on being assholes. Yeah, okay, so some of them are doing bad things, but not necessarily Mengele-type bad things. Actually, I take it back; those troops aren't really responsible for the prisoner abuse, and they shouldn't be maligned for what they've done. After all, they were just following orders.

Google search:

"too young even for me"

Big shocker that I'm on page one of the results for this. I've seriously thought about considering maybe de-listing my site from Google one day because I'm tired of searches along these lines. Probably my most common search hit nowadays is for "underage" coupled with another word that I'm particularly fond of (I don't wanna use the actual phrase just so I can avoid seeding Google any more), but again, that's one of many. Whatever; it's just getting old.

Oh, and I love how the post that comes up in that Google search is this one, which only makes ones like this gem look even more troublesome. Once again, for myriad reasons, we need to find something else disturbing and offensive for me to latch on to.

Why would God design fat people, anyway?

We already know that Leonard Nimoy likes boobs, and apparently, he's a chubby chaser as well. Look, I don't exactly go for the malnourished look with people, but big... Isn't beautiful. In fact, it's pretty ugly. Sorry, but that's how it is. If you're fat and you're cool with that, more power to 'ya. Of course it doesn't make you less of a person since, technically, it makes you more of a person. You really shouldn't be treated poorly or discriminated against just for being fat, but you're gonna face that -- both in this post and in this society. Either way, you need to quit being all uppity about it. All those people who are "celebrating" being tubs? Denial. And stupid, because it's not like being overweight is a healthy thing (fuck what any of those "studies" about obesity being OK have to say). So nevermind, we can discriminate against these people for being morons. Hey, Antiwang knows what I'm talking about.

And you know, at least if you're fat, you can do things to get rid of that fat. No, it may not be easy, and yes, some people may have legitimate troubles slimming down, but at least there are options. It's not like just plain unattractive people can melt away their ugly by hitting the treadmill, but you can, so shut up already. If there's an unattractive slim person hiding under all that flab, well, you'll just have to do what the rest of us ugly people do -- get used to it. At least you're not fat on top of being ugly anymore! And if you wanna stay fat, that's fine, too, since we know there are a handful of Leonard Nimoys out there.

Man, we almost have some kind of God theme going (only we don't) since I just made that post about intelligent design and God while the old post of mine mentioned above linked that "100 Artists See God" exhibition. #6 still kicks the ass out of everything; I'm down with worshipping a ping-pong ball with black dotted eyes and some kind of bird's feet. Hey, not any dumber than acid wash.

"It's like an entire country with a 'no fat chicks' bumpersticker."
- Greg Proops on Australia which is, apparently, "Arkansas with a beach."

I don't NEEEEEED no instructions to know how to rock!

Okay, so I originally wasn't going to post this because it's not really funny, and also because the link it contained is already broken, but I need it to set up another joke. Plus I've been looking for an excuse to give a post the above title, so there 'ya go. Anyway, I saw on MSN yesterday an article on "10 things every single man needs." While I am not really much of a man, I was like, okay -- I'll bite. Let's see if their list is total bullshit or not.

1. A top-notch coffee/espresso maker

Okay, not a bad start. Although I'm not a huge coffee guy, I do like coffee and usually don't turn it down when offered. I've been thinking of getting one for like forever, but I just keep putting it off.

2. A lamp in your bedroom

Alright, I have one of these. Sure, I've had it since I was a kid, but at least it's not some kind of kid's lamp -- just a plain navy blue table lamp. My whole fucking bedroom needs a re-vamp, but I'm way too busy blowing money on my living room to be able to afford the $5K Restoration 'Spensive set that I want.

3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths

I'm all over that shit, too.

4. A comfortable couch

Ibid. My yuppie bullshit Pottery Barn square couch with the down blend cushions kicks the ass out of mere mortal couches. And so far one girl who's not BOETP or one of my other female friends from way back (but who I still can't have sex with) liked it, so as always, I know what I'm doing.

5. Nice underwear

Okay, so I agree that some decent underwear is a good thing. But they said that silk boxers are sleazy? FUCK THAT. I don't give a shit if they are; do you know how goddamn comfortable those are? It's like you don't even have them on, but you still don't get any of that unpleasant cock-on-zipper action that would happen if actually freeballing. I mean, seriously, they're so unintrusive that they need to be riding at least halfway up your ass before you even notice. You can't tell me that's not sexy.

6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, and open anything

Although I'm not really what you call much of a tool man, either, this too sounds reasonable.

7. $150+ jeans

Again, the list can go fuck itself. I will never, ever again wear fucking jeans. I let my girlfriend, and my mother, and everyone else I know convince me to get into wearing jeans again about ten years ago (yes, mostly my girlfriend). Yeah, mistake. There's clearly something wrong with me, because I cannot get comfortable in jeans. The fabric is just awful. Maybe I look OK in them; I don't care. It's lame-ass khakis for me until the end of time. If no woman alive can love a man without a pair of jeans, then to hell with it. I die alone. As if that wasn't happening anyway. Unless if they're Three-Legged jeans. Hey, not any dumber than acid wash.

8. $200+ dress shoes

I can get on board with this. I don't really think I need $200 shoes, but it's not like the majority of my purchasing decisions have ever been based on "need."

9. 300-thread-count cotton sheets

I do need new sheets to match my new comforter. No qualms with high thread-count; I just need to fucking remember to do this just like with the coffee maker.

10. The Joy of Cooking

Again, reasonable. I can cook, when I need to. Trouble is, I never need to -- there's nothing more depressing than cooking for one, which I typically am. But learning more shit, or at least having the tools to learn more, certainly couldn't hurt.

Okay, so the list was only 20% bullshit, and I'm only counting underwear because their comment on silk really was nonsense. And apparently, I'm well on my way with four things down, and since I won't do denim, I only need to pick up five things so that I can be alone in my house full of stuff that I quote/unquote need. All of this ignoring the fact that this may, in fact, not be an authoritative list of things that single men need. All I can see that we really need is porn and maybe a good lubricant, but maybe that's part of the reason I'm still single.

But I repeat myself... Twice over.

I don't care if I'm a Republican now, I still can't get on board with this stupid shit.

Michael J. Behe, a biological sciences professor at Lehigh University, told the subcommittee that intelligent design has no religious underpinnings.

Go fuck yourself. Hard. And if you like it rough, then do it harder than you normally like to be fucked. God, I am so sick of this. I'm sick of all of it, but for now, I'll just make special mention of the notion that it's not about creationism. I mean, Jesus, if it wasn't for religion Christians, would any of this (and it almost makes me sick just to type it) intelligent design nonsense be around? No.

Intelligent design can be summed up as follows: "The universe is so vast and complex that we just had to come up with a stupid, simple explanation for it!" I know, I know; sometimes the simplest explanation you can come up with is the right answer. But God isn't the simplest answer. Who put the universe together? No one; that's about as simple as it gets. Yup, pretty simple, until you get into quantum mechanics and astrophysics and stuff like that -- you know, things that require some thought, as opposed to just shoving our heads up our asses and spewing the shit we find back out as, well, gospel.

I like how one Slashfucker recently put things into perspective. To paraphrase... Okay, so say the universe had a designer. So who designed the designer? What? The designer doesn't need a designer of its own? So why does the universe have to have a designer in the first place? Pretty simple; something that anyone should be able to get on board with, even ignorant Christian fucks.

Google search:

12 man fuck

Okay, so this search in and of itself is not very interesting. I'm guessing it was one of the usual fucks looking for child porn. Anyway, it got me to thinking about the movie 12 Angry Men. And I'm like, I'll bet they made that into a porno. The title, at least. 12 Horny Men was the most obvious play on it, and sure enough, there's a gay porno out there that stole my idea before I came up with it. Should you be so inclined, you can go check out Hung Jury: 12 Angry Men. Hung jury... That's funny.

I'll keep telling myself that

Google search:

to fuck a mormon girl

I'm #1, bitches. This totally makes up for not scoring with that girl I wanted back in high school.

It's a chicken!

Okay, I seriously am not posting this link because the story involves sex with an underage girl. For various reasons I'm trying to knock that shit off, but I doubt I'll be very successful. At any rate, I need to talk about some other shit.

"... the Fundamental Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints..."

I apparently was not up to speed on the Mormons, as I didn't realize that there was a fundamentalist sect of them running around out there. I guess I just thought that all of them were into the multiple wives thing. Either way, regular Mormons are fucking nuts as it is. I'm sorry, but that's all there is to it. Hey, I've known a good one or two of them, and that's an adequate sample population if I ever saw one. Seriously, all I needed to see was the family of this one girl we were friends with in high school. If I thought it would piss off enough people, I'd go into it.

Well, okay. So check this out. They put on this front of being a pretty happy family and all that shit. Then it gets to one point where her dad was cheating on her mom with this total flake who, fuck, was she a stripper? I can't even remember the whole ordeal. Needless to say, a divorce ensued. Her dipshit dad went off and did his thing, and her mom ended up getting together with this guy who was like 15 years younger than her. Of course, she wasn't exactly upfront with how young he was with her kids, and it wasn't until our friend went and snooped and looked at his driver's license that everyone found out just how young he was. It's not like anyone gave a shit; her mom was pretty cool and rather hot, so we were like, more power to 'ya if you want a younger guy. Like Wanda Sykes once said, of you can't find a good man, raise one. Anyway, he was uncomfortable around kids his own age. He earned the nickname of "Junior" with us.

Our friend was a good Mormon girl. I guess. She wouldn't do the caffeine thing, wouldn't smoke, shit like that. But once the shit started to hit the fan with her parents, it was on. All of a sudden she was trying out booze, and cigarettes, and Pepsi, and just generally going against everything she claimed to believe. So that was definitely entertaining. Prior to all this I had developed a pretty big crush on her, knowing full well that it was a mistake since she was crazy well before her parents' marriage hit the rocks. But I couldn't help it; she was cute -- despite having those mormon teeth -- and we got along rather well. Unfortunately for me, however, her "Mormon Girl Gone Wild" phase did not include dating guys she considered "second rate garbage." Like I said, I knew what I was getting myself into with that racket.

Okay, so I hadn't intended to start giving some insight into why I'm so damaged on certain fronts, so let's get back to how fucked up the mormons are.

Members believe a man must marry at least three wives in order to ascend to heaven.

This sounds reasonable. If you have the patience to put up with one woman bitching at you for the rest of your life -- nonetheless three -- you deserve some kind of reward once you're put down.

The sect dominates the towns of Colorado City, in Arizona, and Hildale, in Utah, less than a mile away.

Why is Colorado City in Arizona? I don't care if the river runs through there; that's stupid. And is Donna Reed one of these people? Hey, the town might have dropped an "L" over the years.

And, uh, I guess that's really it. Mormons are scary, and the idea of Fundamental Mormons is even scarier.

Oh, I guess I could talk about polygamy, but it really boils down to the fact that I don't care, and I don't see why anyone else should either, except that they're dumb. "It'll destroy the foundation of" shut the fuck up. If you really want multiple women nagging you or you want to share your husband with other women, you go right ahead. I could give a shit.

"Yeah, and I heard that the whole Osmond family, is a bunch of morons."
- Beavis

Be sure and read this before or after a large meal.

I still need to look into getting a new box and setting up my own RAID.

Google search:

rave mix inspector gadget free download

This one has me kinda curious -- if anyone can shoot me a link to this, I would be much obliged.

It's official: having to listen to Christina Arrugala is torture. The only thing that I can think of that's more inhumane is forcing someone to look at her. And of course, I'm talking post-"Genie in a Bottle" video. It's sad to see someone go from that to, well, Orc. Actually, I think I'd still rather fuck an Orc -- no telling what Christina has growing down there.

The Pentagon said Kahtani's interrogation was conducted by "trained professionals," and yielded "valuable information" about al Qaeda and its leader, Osama bin Laden.

Wow, I'll bet it was because of this guy that we were finally able to capture Osama and shut his terrorist network down for good.

"The important thing here to understand is that the people that are at Guantanamo are bad people," Cheney said.

Yes, and they're all such bad people that they were held until they were swiftly convicted of committing a crime. None of them are ever let go after a decision has been made that they have nothing. I know, I know, it's different with these guys than it is with common criminals. And national security is at stake! To quote Captain Picard: "Ahhh, internal security. The age old cry of the oppressor." You always know that you have a strong argument when you play the Star Trek quote card.

The Pentagon described the document in Time as a "compromised classified interrogation log," and said it had notified appropriate congressional committees.

Well, if this is all they had to say, then at least it's some kind of implicit admission that what's going on in terms of torture is just policy. Honestly, I don't know if I'm all that upset about the whole torture thing. I mean, yeah, it's pretty uncivilized, but you know, it could be worse (and I doubt anything worse is going on; stuff like that never escalates). If they'd just cop to it that would make it a bit better. And if nothing else, I'm desensitized to it because we all know it's going on, and it's not like we will or even can do anything real to stop it. We can do the good lil' liberal thing by protesting and sending our letters, but it won't do a fucking thing to put an end to it.

The hypocrisy of it all is definitely irritating. Yeah, when it comes to certain "bad people," we'll bend the rules. We won't afford others the rights and treatment that we give ourselves. That always looks pretty good when you're looking to gain credibility, which of course we aren't. And of course, this opens the door for them to expand these little policies outside of the terrorist prison camps. All they need is some kind of "He's comin' right for us!" type of argument, and off they go.

Right now, I think it'd be a good play for TB to close the Guantanamo Bay prison camp. It'd be a great PR move, because then people would be all uppity over thinking that they accomplished something. Of course, the prisoners aren't just going to be let go, and they'll be quietly moved somewhere that's lower profile or just totally secret so that shit can continue.

"What did she have down there? An aluminum bat? A piece of rebar?"
- JFR's comment when Arrugala was stopped after setting off an airport metal detector thanks to a piercing you-know-where (and by "you-know-where" I mean her pussy, if you know what I mean)

Wow. This is fucked up. Hey, when something awful like that happens to you, I think you get a pass to be fucked up. But yeah, that doesn't change the fact that it's fucked up. Link via this new Fe linker.

Lipstick?

Not Proud Confession:

I like to dress up my vagina. I put lipstick and bows on it. I like pink. I shave all but just a little for the bow. My husband loves it.

Hey, you do what you gotta do.