I think this woman made the right move by committing suicide. If you can't even get attention from others after you're dead and dangling in front of traffic, then it really just isn't worth it.

Fuck -- I should have just kept my mouth shut. Even though this cunt wasn't what we'd call "good," at least if that had gone through we could have moved on to our next abomination in this country. But you've gotta hand it to our government -- even for them, the bullshit was palpable throughout this affair. From the White House's pleas of "she's qualified... really!" to all of the excuses for her withdrawing when everyone knows the reasons... Christ. They piled it on thicker than the makeup that woman puts on that repulsive mug of hers.

The image is in my head, so now you have to deal with it, too

Google search:

giving birth while fucking doggy style

You're welcome.

Google search:

Freeballing Christians

I think this would make a great name for something like a minor-league baseball team. It wouldn't be as cool as the Decatur Fist, but it'd be up there.

Okay, so I have to give the Pope credit for one thing: knowing what to drive.

MSN search:

can horses eat top ramen

There were about a million search hits I was going to comment on, but seeing as how this may be the dumbest fucking search hit I've ever gotten, none of the others seem worthy of commentary by comparison. I can't even imagine what would prompt someone to ask this, other than they're retarded.

One thing's for certain: if horses can and indeed do eat Top Ramen, then that is not what's responsible for those horse cocks of theirs. If Top Ramen led to a massive schlong, I would have a dick big enough for us all to stand on with all the ramen I consumed sophomore year of college. As we all know, that's not the case -- the ladies are probably better off with a ramen noodle than my junk.

Alright, so last week was a solid week for driving. First off, one night I got bored after work, so I headed out to this long, straight country road where there usually aren't many cars. Now, in a car like a BMW, a long stretch of road with no curves is fucking boring. But you can make up for some of that if, say, you're going 130 miles an hour. Okay, so that's clearly not smart, but I was pissed and needed something to get my mind off of work for a bit, and doing a buck thirty can help in that endeavor. That's still well off that car's top speed of 155 MPH (assuming I don't get a new chip that removes the top speed limiter), but we're getting there.

That was just a precursor to... The track. This past weekend, the local chapter of the BMW Car Club of America was holding a performance driving school down in my hometown of Pueblo. And yeah, that was bad-ass. The main focus, at least for us beginners, was just getting us to learn to work the track properly. Follwing "the line," apexing at the right time, proper braking, weight transfer, etc. Just taking all sorts of basics and puttig them together to work our way up to being able to drive fast and well. So that meant that things started out slowly, but by the end of the day, I was getting up some good speeds. Not 130 mile-an-hour speeds, but still pretty fast, and doing most of it where Bimmers excel -- in the turns.

If you've got a decent car, I'm telling you: get yourself some performance rubber (if you don't already have it) and hit the track. That's a solid way to spend a day. It's nice because your only concern is one that you normally have when you're driving like a shithead -- not fucking up your car. Otherwise, though, you can be as fast and aggressive as you want without the consequences or hazards of normal street driving, and that's neat.

Part of the driving school was classroom instruction, and that was worth it just for the horror stories we got to hear, like one incident that the instructor had recently seen. Someone was flying through a corner in their 911, and they ended up sliding off the track sideways into a wall. And they did it with such force that the engine was ejected from the car. In the words of Oak Express, that's not natural. But I'm sure they were able to fix that car up. Then there was the story about a guy who had gotten one of the first E36 M3s (the E36 3-series being the generation preceding mine), and while on the track he got off a bad shift, doing something like going into second when he meant to go into fourth -- a so-called "money shift." Needless to say, that was the end of that engine. The amusing part, though, was that since it was one of the first E36 M3 cars out there, BMW's engineers were very anxious to get their hands on the destroyed engine, so they cut the guy a deal on a new engine.

Luckily, I have no horror stories to tell from this outing. The worst I came away with was things that were expected -- like brake and tire tread wear. And speaking of the tires, yeah, those things are fucking great. They definitely saved me a time or two when I came into a turn a little too hot. There was one time that the instructor who was riding along with me was even impressed at how much grip they had. It's sad, though, because I'm going to have to swap tires here in a little over a week now that the cold weather is starting to set in. My snow tires, Pirelli SnowSport 240s, aren't too bad in terms of grip, but of course they're not the Bridgestone Potenzas I'm running on in warm weather. I don't wanna have to move anywhere at this point in time, but if I've actually sat there thinking that if I was ever compelled to move somewhere like the west coast or somewhere further south, it wouldn't be so bad because I could keep summer tires on year-round.

One of the best parts of the day was one where I wasn't even driving. After lunch, they had a session where the instructors drove us around the track in their cars, and I lucked out and got to ride in an E46 M3. Holy shit. The raw speed of that car combined with an experienced driver who could work the track well was quite a bit of fun. Well, okay, the first lap you're just kinda scared out of your mind even though you know that the driver knows what they're doing, and then after that it's just fun.

So yeah, that's my excitement for the time being. I would say that I pay way too much for that car, but it's so bloody entertaining that it's worth it to me. Hey, everyone's gotta have their hobbies. Some just make us bigger assholes than the rest.

Wow, I haven't posted shit lately. There are 11 posts currently on my front page. Remember when I could do 11 posts in a day? This is more on you than it is on me, though. You're not doing a good enough job of keeping me entertained, so I can't be bothered to post. Hey, motherfucker, I've got shit to do. Granted, here is my list of "shit" in no particular order: work, internet, drive. Although it's only three things, that's a pretty significant amount of time. I actually do work, and since it's been one shitstorm after another that only I can handle at work, that's just killing me. It wouldn't be so bad if not for that whole internet problem, but, you know. Well, you probably don't, and that's better for you. Driving I'll get to in a minute. Just to get caught up, here's some random shit I've been thinking of commenting on but haven't, so we'll just go lightning round on everything's ass.

This Supreme Court bullshit. Personally, I think it's pretty funny. I mean, once I strip away the fact that these shitheads are all going to fuck up our lives. But that's just a given with Team Bush in charge. Seriously, though, what is funnier than how pissed conservatives are over Harriet Miers? I have built my life on being a spoiled little brat, but I have never seen anyone who can push being spoiled as far as conservatives. They don't get exactly what they want, and they start pissing and moaning. "We don't know how she's gonna vote!" She's a fucking evangelical Christian. A Bush crony. Shit, she calls Bush the most brilliant man she's ever met. She's an idiot who clearly doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, so she's bound to vote the way that you want her to, you stupid shitheads. "She's unqualified!" Of course she's unqualified -- she's a Bush appointee! So yeah, it's not good, but I say just let her pass. Even with as bad of a choice as this is, I think we got off relatively light. Scalia isn't Chief Justice, and they didn't find Scalia Jr. to fill the other seat (even if she might end up just as bad). Oh, and if Ann Coulter is flaming pissed, fuck it. It's worth it just for that.

It's also funny to see TB floundering like it is these days. People are pissed about the war (way to get your ass to the table, America... It's only been a couple of years). Ratings are low. Half of the Republican party is a bunch of walking malcontents over the Miers nomination. The prosecutor that Bush fucking picked might indict Rove and/or Scooter Libby (any grown man who chooses to go by "Scooter" is already guilty of a capital crime in my book). Hurricane Katrina. I know it's not going to happen, and that they're gonna get out of and away with it all, but it'd be so much fun to watch them just fucking implode. Man, what great leaders. It's a shame we haven't had any recent chances to make changes in our so-called leadership. But that's on the Democrats for fielding someone who should have been on the practice squad and not the starting quarterback.

The World Series. Every fucking year, it gets worse as to who I want to see lose more. This year, Houston and the fucking Sox. I have to hate Houston for myriad reasons, chief among them the fact that they're Houston. Fuck Texas. And Roger Clemens. Also, being a Cubs fan, I have to hate everyone else in the NL Central anyway. But on the other hand, I don't want to see a championship come to Chicago if it's because of the fucking south-siders. How lame is that? Once the riots start, I hope they at least burn down the Sears Tower. The 'Cock for life.

I'm gonna break the driving shit into another post, because I all know how much you love it when I talk about my car.

Yay for more fucked up Google hits

Spam:

Picturesque young girls bang tough

That got me thinking: is there a porno out there called Bangin' Tough? If so, it's gotta star the New Kids on the Cock. And, wait, that doesn't sound good.

Well, now we have dolphins and camels down

So the American Society of Magazine Editors put together a list of what they felt were the 40 greatest magazine covers from the last 40 years. Some of them are interesting, and this is one of the greatest things ever put to print. From The Economist, no less.

"9 out of 10 men who try camels still prefer women."
- T-shirt

ETP can add a grammar discussion to the list of bullshit that needs to go down at my funeral should I die before him

When I first saw the link for this article, which simply read "Former 'SNL' comedian commits suicide," the first thing that popped into my mind was "Please let it be Jim Breuer." And since the world blows, it wasn't Jim Breuer, but someone I've never even heard of, or heard of and forgot about.

...according to the Internet Movie Database

Like I said. You know you're pretty famous when the article writer doesn't know who the fuck you are, and just trusts what IMDB has to say about you.

On a more serious note, seriously, who the fuck commits suicide by slashing their own throat? And, as the article stands right now (where it says "Ex-'SNL' player Charles Rocket a suicide"), is it proper grammer to refer to someone as "a suicide"? That doesn't sound right. I guess it sort of sounds right to say that someone was "a homicide," but it still seems off. Because, you know, these are the questions to be asked when someone has died.

Google search:

engineer fucks chick

Yeah, that should turn up a ton of solid results.

Here's the deal: if a bunch of stupid kids and their even stupider parents want to drop thousands -- or tens of thousands -- of dollars on fucking prom, let them. Now, I'm not defending excess, but being me, I am not condemning it, either. But to take a stand against it with a bunch of rich fucks? Yeah, that oughta do a lot.

... Laine said just before hopping into his jet-black Infiniti...

Like I said. And besides, what people do with their money is really up to them, even if it makes them fucking pricks for doing it.

Okay, thinking more about it, I'm a bit torn. I were in charge, I'd probably end up sending all these people to concentration camps. The fact that I'm bringing up Nazi-esque tactics shows why I'll never be in charge, of course, but that's beside the point for this discussion. Like I said, I can't do too much bitching about people blowing money on unnecessary shit, but c'mon. Anyone who takes prom too seriously is a fucking retard. So yeah, it's not the excess that bothers me, it's the stupid. And someone should take a stand, but it's really not the school's place to do so.

Maybe it's just because I do everything wrong, but I never saw the big deal with prom. I went to my senior one just so that I could say I went. I didn't have a girlfriend (shocking), and I didn't get laid (ibid) or go to any raging keggers, so maybe that's why it seems meaningless to me. But even if I had gone all-out, looking back, I don't see how it could have been as monumentally important as some people make it out to be. It's one of those things that's billed to be really huge but in reality isn't. Are there any adults out there who look back on prom as a watershed moment in their life? If so, you too can hop on board the train to Auschwitz.

As if we didn't need more proof that they're not serious about Bond films anymore. I pretty much stopped caring once they stopped making them R-rated, but this is just yet another nail in the coffin. Once Clive Owen's name was floated, that should have been it. That's like Samuel L. Jackson as Shaft -- it just had to be done. And it wasn't done. Look, I have no idea what the deal with Daniel Craig is, and I don't care.

Granted, Clive Owen, in many ways, will always be The Driver to me. Doing his Bimmer commercials, errr, short films, running away from bad guys, tossing Madonna around in the backseat of his M5 like the cheap whore she is... Yeah. But still, the guy is so smooth that he could have gotten me interested in Bond movies again. I don't dig guys, but if for some reason I absolutely had to have sex with a guy and also had a say in the matter, I would totally do Clive Owen. He's definitely in Orlando Bloom territory.

This entire family should be killed execution style and buried in shallow graves. The same goes for anyone like that. As if the world isn't full of enough stupid people as it is.

Christ, everything about those people is appalling. They have a bunch of kids. They want more. They're ugly. That woman's hair is ugly, so ugly it deserves special mention aside from how ugly the rest of her is. They like Jesus. All their kids' names start with the same initial. Couples with two or three kids whose names start with the same letter are already asking for a beating -- but 16 is unforgivable.

This is also further proof that if there is a god, which there isn't, he is a huge fucking asshole. I mean, think about it. There are countless couples out there who want one -- just one -- child, but are unable to have one for some reason or other. A lot of those people are probably retards, and we're better off with them not having kids anyway. But there are probably a lot of people who are deserving of being cut a break on the child front, but no. Meanwhile, The Loosest Cunt in the World and her stupid husband get to have all they want.

Okay, so I have a personal policy when it comes to e-mail forwards. I never forward on something that someone else sends me, and more often than not, I don't even read them. I know I'm missing out on some good jokes, but you know me and my ultra-busy schedule. But I got one recently that I found somewhat amusing, so I thought I'd share. And this is still in line with my forwards policy since I'm not e-mailing it to anyone. Considering me and the type of people who come here (showboatin' libs), many of you may have already seen this, entitled "Ethics Test":

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand
morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone
but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to
be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to
each line.

Here's the situation:

You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all
around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This ! is a
flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working
for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this
epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around
you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all
of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting
for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You
move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly
realize who it is.

It's George W. Bush, President of the United States !! At the
same time you notice that the raging waters &n! bsp; are about to take him
under... forever. You have two& nbsp; options - you can save the life of
G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning
photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful
men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with
the classic simplicity of black and white?

Dog balls.

New York is stupid

Okay, so if you've been around here long enough, you know that I once declared flash mobs to pretty much be the dumbest fucking thing ever and the end of all civilization. Well, as it turns out, I was wrong, because we have a new indication that this must be the end. I present to you, dear readers, the cuddle party.

Insert sighing sounds, rolling eyes, and head in hands. This is... There almost aren't words to describe how bloody retarded this is. The whole notion is that it's flying in the face of modern society, blasting out against our inborn puritanism, but what it is, in the end, is a bunch of people who won't admit that they just want to have sex.

Because that's what this is about, plain and simple. Repressed morons. Fucking losers. It's people who have bought into society's bullshit, and in the name of saying they're not afraid they do something that shows how afraid they are. And the fact that they bring it all back to when we were kids... Jesus, this is fucked up.

If you've been to a cuddle party, you need to kill yourself. If you're thinking of going to a cuddle party, think of killing yourself. Then kill yourself. With all the shit going on out there, if this is how you choose to waste your time, I promise you, we don't need you.

I know what some of you are saying. "Oh, BLM, you're just being a dick because you're like that and you hate cuddling and blah blah blah." Please, cut the fucking shit. I am all for cuddling, but not if it's retarded. Cuddle parties are retarded, and they are attended and "facilitated" by retards.

So, what does this have to do with New York being stupid? I made the mistake of watching an episode of CSI: NY. We all know how much I fucking hate the original CSI. The Miami spin off is kinda funny since David Caruso sucks, but I still won't watch it. I allow the New York version to exist just because I'm down with Gary Sinise, who is not related to "That Arliss Show!" It too sucks since, if for no other reason, it's CSU, not CSI. Yes, this is review. All you need to do is watch one of the boring-ass lab scenes with the really intense music to know what bullshit the franchise is. "Wow, the cotton swab turned pink! I just came!" I've never worked in a medical lab, but I've worked in labs doing science shit, and tust me: it's fun for the people doing the work, and for no one else alive. Anyway, tonight's episode had a scene with a cuddle party. At the beginning of the scene, I thought it was an orgy, and I was like "New York is cool." Then when I found out that it wasn't an orgy but in fact a dumbfuck party, I was like, title of post.

Linked off that cuddle party site is this abomination. Footie pajamas suck. I hated them as a kid, and I always insisted that my mom or grandma cut the damn feet off before I would wear them. "Gee, you sound like you were a fun kid." You're a riot? Fuck you -- I was a fucking riot. Anyway, adults have no business wearing footie pajamas. Grow the fuck up, and keep in mind this is coming from a guy who still buys toys and as yet is completely right.

I was just getting caught up on Ted Rall, and this is hillarious.