I'm pretty convinced at this point that Iran isn't a threat to anyone. I really think that Iran in general, and Ahmadinejad in particular, just like pushing the West's buttons. I mean, c'mon. Iran. Calling a conference on the Holocaust. Man, speaking of credibility. Even hard-line Islamists have gotta be sitting there saying "Dude... That's funny." Okay, maybe I'm wrong and all, but I really think that Iran is just in it for the antagonism.
In a related story, I'm planning on conference on the myth that internet chatrooms are nothing but a bunch of sick, filthy perverts.
Monday, January 16, 2006
People like it when you're topical
Get back to us when you're relevant, Al. It's not that what you're saying is totally off-base, it's just that it has about as much credibility as if it was Michael Moore bitching about it. And for fuck's sake, Albert, don't ever suck face with your wife in front of anyone ever again.
"Where did he get her, at a Halloween party? Lemme ask you something: does he actually have to fuck that woman? God help him; I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick."
- Carlin Marilyn Quayle
"Where did he get her, at a Halloween party? Lemme ask you something: does he actually have to fuck that woman? God help him; I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick."
- Carlin Marilyn Quayle
I like to do things that are fun.
Via Diesel Sweeties, I discovered a new comic that I find quite amusing: Overcompensating. A sampling of some of my favorites from the archived comics I've read so far:
Ghosts Can't Use Cell Phones Very Well (it's been a long time since I've laughed as hard as I did at this one)
Here Comes Weedmaster P (you've gotta read his comments, because that's often one of the best parts of his posts)
Tiberius William Seward Burroughs Rowland
Jerk-Proof
Mashed Potato Melancholy (the guy digs Ghostbusters)
Purpose
Party Til You Start Freaking Out
Go For It, Superman!
Ghosts Can't Use Cell Phones Very Well (it's been a long time since I've laughed as hard as I did at this one)
Here Comes Weedmaster P (you've gotta read his comments, because that's often one of the best parts of his posts)
Tiberius William Seward Burroughs Rowland
Jerk-Proof
Mashed Potato Melancholy (the guy digs Ghostbusters)
Purpose
Party Til You Start Freaking Out
Go For It, Superman!
Saturday, January 14, 2006
It sucks to not be as good as John Elway
Google search:
is terry bradshaw gay
No, Terry Bradshaw is retarded. Not much offends me, but this notion is wholly bothersome. Terry Bradshaw is nowhere near cool enough to be gay.
is terry bradshaw gay
No, Terry Bradshaw is retarded. Not much offends me, but this notion is wholly bothersome. Terry Bradshaw is nowhere near cool enough to be gay.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
They really should have gone with "New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That?", because while immature, it's much better than "Come See For Yourself." Come see what? Why everyone there or from there (except Laura Prepon) hates themselves and their lives?
"I don't mind paying tolls but every 27 feet? Bullshit!"
- Carlin
"The Garden state? Yeah, sure. If you're growing smokestacks yes."
- Carlin
"Kiss her where it smells, take her to New Jersey!"
- Carlin, taken from a T-shirt sold in Jersey
"I don't mind paying tolls but every 27 feet? Bullshit!"
- Carlin
"The Garden state? Yeah, sure. If you're growing smokestacks yes."
- Carlin
"Kiss her where it smells, take her to New Jersey!"
- Carlin, taken from a T-shirt sold in Jersey
Least favorite things of 2005
This is my replacement for a "best of" for 2005. Maybe I'll do a "best of" at some point since I know it'll be anxiously awaited. And of course, this is not so much of a list of things from 2005 as a list of things I hate in general.
Penny Arcade doing continuity
These guys are funny when they do stand-alone strips. But if there's ever any sort of continuity between successive strips, it's weaker than Bud Light. Take for instance the Christmas stories from this year and last year -- pure shit. More importantly, not funny. And Cardboard tube Samurai is the lamest, most unfunny thing ever. Fuck every single one of you fanboys who has encouraged that shit.
Antiwang was updated daily
I really like this simple comic, when the asshole is posting strips. I just wish he'd quit being such a fucking cocktease, going balls-out and updating daily for awhile, only to disappear and then make a comeback way later. And then do it again.
Ghastly
I don't know why webcomics are so prominent in this list, but man, what a fucking has-been (and still could-be, if he'd just focus on writing dirty jokes as opposed to some kind of growth as an artist bullshit).
Thursdays
Thursday is probably my least favorite day of the week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I have Penny Arcade and Megatokyo to look forward to, assuming PA isn't doing some of the aforementioned lame-ass continuity shit, and Fred Gallagher isn't making some excuse for not posting a comic and/or putting out something that makes me say "What the fuck is going on here?" Then on Tuesdays, I have a new issue of The Onion to check out. Wednesday brings a new Jay Mohr column.
Okay, I guess there is one thing on Thursday, since Diesel Sweeties comes out Sunday-Thursday. But that strip always goes up at night, and that's when I always read it. If it doesn't give me an excuse to kill some time at work, it doesn't count. Thursday blows ass.
Firefox
For I don't know how many years in a row now, I've had at least one period where I tried to like Firefox over Mozilla. The browser you can trust? Yeah, the browser I can trust to reaffirm my faith that this world fucking sucks. I'm using it at work but not at home in an attempt to try and force myself to get used to it since I'm worried that regular Mozilla will be totally dropped at one point, but it still eats balls.
Sucks ass, eats balls, etc.
Speaking of growth as an artist, I have done precisely none of that since this site started nearly three years ago. Please tell me I have not been wasting three years churning out this shit. Fuck.
Bush, Christians, Democrats, everyone
All pretty much a given at this point.
People who send me Slipknot lyrics
You know who you are.
The Pope
Happy to see one old, ignorant, barely-living motherfucker die, only to have him replaced by another old, ignorant, but slightly more living motherfucker. But at least Ratzinger knows what to drive.
Clear heels
Stripper's uniform or not, these things are just fucking lame. Why is it that seemingly every skank who takes her clothes off has to put these on at one point? Why can't this place be like Japan where every cute girl has to put on a schoolgirl outfit at least once for dirty men to take pictures of and beat off to? Tell me that's not better than a bunch of fucking clear heels.
Excessively big heels
Why? Heels are fine. But there is no need for you girls to be pretending to be much taller than you really are with big heels and massive platforms down there. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a leg man, I'd even advocate taking tall girls and cutting their leg bones down or taking a chunk out of their torso to make them shorter.
Holy shit, that's fucked up
You really oughta stop coming here and encouraging this kind of behavior.
Enablers
I'm just putting this in here because it sounds like the right thing to say. Actually, I hate when people enable other stupid people to do dumb shit. I'm all for people enabling me to do my stupid shit.
This is getting away from me
Okay, it's not funny.
Other drivers
It seems that no matter where I go, the only purpose of others is to kill my buzz. This is especially true on the roads. Hey, assholes: you know why us BMW drivers drive the way we do? Because we can. Now get the fuck out of the way.
Uppity people
I know far too well that this includes me. I'm trying to curb it. Sorta. There was one day I was driving down I-25, and a yellow Ferrari F430 was in the center lane. He was not going particularly fast, and while not going too slow, he was being passed by a decent number of cars. He didn't need to speed or be aggressive, because he knew he had the fastest, most expensive car for miles, and he didn't have shit to prove. That's a real bad-ass right there. I need to get into that state of mind, and I clearly have a long way to go.
Rap, hip hop, whatever the fuck it is
These words from Chris Rock really are apt: there are a couple people that can float, but for the most part the genre sucks. There are plenty of tracks out there that I really like, like Kanye West's "Gold Digger," but whenever I listen to a full album the vast majority of it is almost always boring. Nothing against Kanye, though, because that guy will forever be my hero just for saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on a nationally televised event. Sure, everyone knows this fact, but he's one of the only ones who had the balls to stand up and say it when someone might be listening.
Tits
Hey, I like tits as much as the next guy, except apparently I don't. I know it's not gonna happen, but I wish guys would get over this nonsense, at least when it comes to them being big. Thanks to you idiots, we have to deal with a bunch of bad boob jobs. I think my preference for smaller is partly just out of spite, but there are honestly times where they're not even that big and I'm like "those are too big" and I'm totally serious.
I can at least take some comfort knowing that guys receive some small payback when they worry about how little their dicks are. Except for the guys who are big or at least adequate, and fuck them anyway.
White people
My hatred for white people, especially heterosexual and/or Christian ones, is well documented. You're white, and you're lame.
People who come here via Google
Virtually everyone who gets here via Google is an idiot. Typically, a pretty sick idiot. I have seriously thought about trying to de-list my site from search engines because of how tired I am of these people. The main thing stopping me is the fact that, in the end, the hits drive my traffic numbers up, and no matter how artificial the numbers are that's satisfying to me. Also, just like Japan, some of the hits show me that there are people sicker than me out there, or at least that I'm not alone.
The Guestbook
Great, just what I wanted: a bunch of racist, ignorant shit. The only things keeping me from 86'ing the guestbook are A) vanity and B) the fact that once in a great while, someone who's not a complete retard makes an entry. Including a decent number of chicks, who apparently dig this site. Is that cabbage?
The American people
How much shit does Team Bush have to do before people say "Okay, I've had it." Bullshit wars, blatant favoritism to the rich, shitting on the constitution, blah blah blah, no problem. But four or five years of it? Maybe we'll start letting those approval ratings drop a bit. Fucking morons.
Sports
No, not the Huey Lewis and the News album, which is so fucking sweet that talking about it now would ruin the mood of this post. I am trying so hard not to care about sports, but I suppose I'm going to break down and show some interest since the Broncos are in the playoffs. Until they inevitably tank it. A Bears-Broncos Super Bowl would be one of the best things ever, and that's preceisely why it won't happen.
TV
I downgraded to the bare-bones cable package in an effort to cut back on spending, and I've never been unhappy with that. There are a few things I'd like to be able to watch regularly, but if I really care, I can just have ETP Tivo it. Otherwise, I get to miss out on all the great shit that they're puking all over the airwaves. Take for instance two of the new shows that started this past season. I was looking forward to Everybody Hates Chris, but it turned out "meh." Then there's My name is Earl, which, in advance, ETP heralded as "great" and I declared "shit." Of course, the answer was closer to, famous potatoes. But this show is the perfect example of everything that's wrong in TV. The first episode starts out with you finding out that Jason Lee's character is a petty thief. And I was thinking "Heyyy, this is kinda different and interesting... A show about a small-time crook." But then what happens? We find out the show's true intention, which is to have Jason Lee run around every week trying to make amends for past fuck-ups. Uggggggh. What a bunch of lame-ass PC bullshit. He has to be nice, everyone! That doesn't make for good TV. It makes for mediocre TV at best. And it's typically American, too. Why is he trying to make amends for prior misdeeds? Karma! He doesn't think things can get better for him unless if he makes token efforts for being a prick. In the end, the character's motivation is purely selfish, and that's just perfect. There is no such thing as altruism.
Peter Jackson
That last paragraph may have been way too fucking long and unnecessary, but it still wasn't as much so as one of this cocksucker's movies.
Restoration Hardware, AKA Restoration 'Spensive
I could not hate these motherfuckers more. They have this bedroom set that I am just in love with. Typically, as a product line gets older, the price of it goes down, right? Not with these bastards. I noticed at one point this year that the bedroom furniture I wanted had actually gone up in price. I will get my cedar lined drawers one day, god damn it.
Pharmaceuticals
Oh man, medication is great. I just love the slew of side effects that might come along with anything you take. My favorites are the ones that have a warning that they might cause "suicidal thoughts." Right now, I'm taking both an antidepressant and a sleeping medication that both claim to this as a possible side effect. We've heard about antidepressants having this potential side-effect before, and that's just stupid. They're supposed to help you keep from being depressed, but they might lead you to kill yourself. That's fantastic. And the sleeping pills? They're supposed to help people take a nap, not a dirt nap.
I know what you're thinking. "Wow, you're on an antidepressant? It's not working." Fuck you. I'm not depressed, I'm pissed off. It's not an antipissedoff pill. The reason I got on it is for anxiety and other, uh, problems. And the sleeping pills, which were intended to help me get back on a normal sleep schedule, are now just being used as a fall-back for when I inevitably get up late in the afternoon on a Sunday and need to be able to go back to sleep six hours later to not get up early in the morning.
You might also think it's kinda funny that I'm on an SSRI, which may cause suicidal thoughts, and sleeping medication, which is commonly used to kill one's self. I found that kinda funny, too. And have I had suicidal thoughts? Nah, nothing more serious than knowing it's an option, but so is chopping my dick off and shoving red-hot pokers up my ass. Might be necessary in an extreme situation, but it probably won't come to that. Actually, what I do several times a week is ask myself: "So, dude, do you wanna kill yourself?" And then I just laugh. I'm sick, but clearly not depressed. I am entertained.
Blog posts about personal shit that no one cares about
Seriously, who cares?
People who have everything yet still complain about everything
Oh boo hoo, you're so bloody underprivileged, you fucking piece of shit.
Okay, I could probably come up with more (well, I know I could come up with more, but we just don't have the time), but I'm tired and this isn't funny. There's a shocker.
Penny Arcade doing continuity
These guys are funny when they do stand-alone strips. But if there's ever any sort of continuity between successive strips, it's weaker than Bud Light. Take for instance the Christmas stories from this year and last year -- pure shit. More importantly, not funny. And Cardboard tube Samurai is the lamest, most unfunny thing ever. Fuck every single one of you fanboys who has encouraged that shit.
Antiwang was updated daily
I really like this simple comic, when the asshole is posting strips. I just wish he'd quit being such a fucking cocktease, going balls-out and updating daily for awhile, only to disappear and then make a comeback way later. And then do it again.
Ghastly
I don't know why webcomics are so prominent in this list, but man, what a fucking has-been (and still could-be, if he'd just focus on writing dirty jokes as opposed to some kind of growth as an artist bullshit).
Thursdays
Thursday is probably my least favorite day of the week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I have Penny Arcade and Megatokyo to look forward to, assuming PA isn't doing some of the aforementioned lame-ass continuity shit, and Fred Gallagher isn't making some excuse for not posting a comic and/or putting out something that makes me say "What the fuck is going on here?" Then on Tuesdays, I have a new issue of The Onion to check out. Wednesday brings a new Jay Mohr column.
Okay, I guess there is one thing on Thursday, since Diesel Sweeties comes out Sunday-Thursday. But that strip always goes up at night, and that's when I always read it. If it doesn't give me an excuse to kill some time at work, it doesn't count. Thursday blows ass.
Firefox
For I don't know how many years in a row now, I've had at least one period where I tried to like Firefox over Mozilla. The browser you can trust? Yeah, the browser I can trust to reaffirm my faith that this world fucking sucks. I'm using it at work but not at home in an attempt to try and force myself to get used to it since I'm worried that regular Mozilla will be totally dropped at one point, but it still eats balls.
Sucks ass, eats balls, etc.
Speaking of growth as an artist, I have done precisely none of that since this site started nearly three years ago. Please tell me I have not been wasting three years churning out this shit. Fuck.
Bush, Christians, Democrats, everyone
All pretty much a given at this point.
People who send me Slipknot lyrics
You know who you are.
The Pope
Happy to see one old, ignorant, barely-living motherfucker die, only to have him replaced by another old, ignorant, but slightly more living motherfucker. But at least Ratzinger knows what to drive.
Clear heels
Stripper's uniform or not, these things are just fucking lame. Why is it that seemingly every skank who takes her clothes off has to put these on at one point? Why can't this place be like Japan where every cute girl has to put on a schoolgirl outfit at least once for dirty men to take pictures of and beat off to? Tell me that's not better than a bunch of fucking clear heels.
Excessively big heels
Why? Heels are fine. But there is no need for you girls to be pretending to be much taller than you really are with big heels and massive platforms down there. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a leg man, I'd even advocate taking tall girls and cutting their leg bones down or taking a chunk out of their torso to make them shorter.
Holy shit, that's fucked up
You really oughta stop coming here and encouraging this kind of behavior.
Enablers
I'm just putting this in here because it sounds like the right thing to say. Actually, I hate when people enable other stupid people to do dumb shit. I'm all for people enabling me to do my stupid shit.
This is getting away from me
Okay, it's not funny.
Other drivers
It seems that no matter where I go, the only purpose of others is to kill my buzz. This is especially true on the roads. Hey, assholes: you know why us BMW drivers drive the way we do? Because we can. Now get the fuck out of the way.
Uppity people
I know far too well that this includes me. I'm trying to curb it. Sorta. There was one day I was driving down I-25, and a yellow Ferrari F430 was in the center lane. He was not going particularly fast, and while not going too slow, he was being passed by a decent number of cars. He didn't need to speed or be aggressive, because he knew he had the fastest, most expensive car for miles, and he didn't have shit to prove. That's a real bad-ass right there. I need to get into that state of mind, and I clearly have a long way to go.
Rap, hip hop, whatever the fuck it is
These words from Chris Rock really are apt: there are a couple people that can float, but for the most part the genre sucks. There are plenty of tracks out there that I really like, like Kanye West's "Gold Digger," but whenever I listen to a full album the vast majority of it is almost always boring. Nothing against Kanye, though, because that guy will forever be my hero just for saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on a nationally televised event. Sure, everyone knows this fact, but he's one of the only ones who had the balls to stand up and say it when someone might be listening.
Tits
Hey, I like tits as much as the next guy, except apparently I don't. I know it's not gonna happen, but I wish guys would get over this nonsense, at least when it comes to them being big. Thanks to you idiots, we have to deal with a bunch of bad boob jobs. I think my preference for smaller is partly just out of spite, but there are honestly times where they're not even that big and I'm like "those are too big" and I'm totally serious.
I can at least take some comfort knowing that guys receive some small payback when they worry about how little their dicks are. Except for the guys who are big or at least adequate, and fuck them anyway.
White people
My hatred for white people, especially heterosexual and/or Christian ones, is well documented. You're white, and you're lame.
People who come here via Google
Virtually everyone who gets here via Google is an idiot. Typically, a pretty sick idiot. I have seriously thought about trying to de-list my site from search engines because of how tired I am of these people. The main thing stopping me is the fact that, in the end, the hits drive my traffic numbers up, and no matter how artificial the numbers are that's satisfying to me. Also, just like Japan, some of the hits show me that there are people sicker than me out there, or at least that I'm not alone.
The Guestbook
Great, just what I wanted: a bunch of racist, ignorant shit. The only things keeping me from 86'ing the guestbook are A) vanity and B) the fact that once in a great while, someone who's not a complete retard makes an entry. Including a decent number of chicks, who apparently dig this site. Is that cabbage?
The American people
How much shit does Team Bush have to do before people say "Okay, I've had it." Bullshit wars, blatant favoritism to the rich, shitting on the constitution, blah blah blah, no problem. But four or five years of it? Maybe we'll start letting those approval ratings drop a bit. Fucking morons.
Sports
No, not the Huey Lewis and the News album, which is so fucking sweet that talking about it now would ruin the mood of this post. I am trying so hard not to care about sports, but I suppose I'm going to break down and show some interest since the Broncos are in the playoffs. Until they inevitably tank it. A Bears-Broncos Super Bowl would be one of the best things ever, and that's preceisely why it won't happen.
TV
I downgraded to the bare-bones cable package in an effort to cut back on spending, and I've never been unhappy with that. There are a few things I'd like to be able to watch regularly, but if I really care, I can just have ETP Tivo it. Otherwise, I get to miss out on all the great shit that they're puking all over the airwaves. Take for instance two of the new shows that started this past season. I was looking forward to Everybody Hates Chris, but it turned out "meh." Then there's My name is Earl, which, in advance, ETP heralded as "great" and I declared "shit." Of course, the answer was closer to, famous potatoes. But this show is the perfect example of everything that's wrong in TV. The first episode starts out with you finding out that Jason Lee's character is a petty thief. And I was thinking "Heyyy, this is kinda different and interesting... A show about a small-time crook." But then what happens? We find out the show's true intention, which is to have Jason Lee run around every week trying to make amends for past fuck-ups. Uggggggh. What a bunch of lame-ass PC bullshit. He has to be nice, everyone! That doesn't make for good TV. It makes for mediocre TV at best. And it's typically American, too. Why is he trying to make amends for prior misdeeds? Karma! He doesn't think things can get better for him unless if he makes token efforts for being a prick. In the end, the character's motivation is purely selfish, and that's just perfect. There is no such thing as altruism.
Peter Jackson
That last paragraph may have been way too fucking long and unnecessary, but it still wasn't as much so as one of this cocksucker's movies.
Restoration Hardware, AKA Restoration 'Spensive
I could not hate these motherfuckers more. They have this bedroom set that I am just in love with. Typically, as a product line gets older, the price of it goes down, right? Not with these bastards. I noticed at one point this year that the bedroom furniture I wanted had actually gone up in price. I will get my cedar lined drawers one day, god damn it.
Pharmaceuticals
Oh man, medication is great. I just love the slew of side effects that might come along with anything you take. My favorites are the ones that have a warning that they might cause "suicidal thoughts." Right now, I'm taking both an antidepressant and a sleeping medication that both claim to this as a possible side effect. We've heard about antidepressants having this potential side-effect before, and that's just stupid. They're supposed to help you keep from being depressed, but they might lead you to kill yourself. That's fantastic. And the sleeping pills? They're supposed to help people take a nap, not a dirt nap.
I know what you're thinking. "Wow, you're on an antidepressant? It's not working." Fuck you. I'm not depressed, I'm pissed off. It's not an antipissedoff pill. The reason I got on it is for anxiety and other, uh, problems. And the sleeping pills, which were intended to help me get back on a normal sleep schedule, are now just being used as a fall-back for when I inevitably get up late in the afternoon on a Sunday and need to be able to go back to sleep six hours later to not get up early in the morning.
You might also think it's kinda funny that I'm on an SSRI, which may cause suicidal thoughts, and sleeping medication, which is commonly used to kill one's self. I found that kinda funny, too. And have I had suicidal thoughts? Nah, nothing more serious than knowing it's an option, but so is chopping my dick off and shoving red-hot pokers up my ass. Might be necessary in an extreme situation, but it probably won't come to that. Actually, what I do several times a week is ask myself: "So, dude, do you wanna kill yourself?" And then I just laugh. I'm sick, but clearly not depressed. I am entertained.
Blog posts about personal shit that no one cares about
Seriously, who cares?
People who have everything yet still complain about everything
Oh boo hoo, you're so bloody underprivileged, you fucking piece of shit.
Okay, I could probably come up with more (well, I know I could come up with more, but we just don't have the time), but I'm tired and this isn't funny. There's a shocker.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
For some reason, the word "choad" was the funniest thing in the world to me yesterday. Over the years of using this word, we were never fully sure as to what a "choad" really was. Anywhere we looked, we got a different answer. As it turns out, the answer is "D: All of the above."
It also did not occur to me until yesterday, or maybe it had before and I had forgotten about it, but the name "Chad" is just a vowel away from "choad," and that could not be more appropriate.
It also did not occur to me until yesterday, or maybe it had before and I had forgotten about it, but the name "Chad" is just a vowel away from "choad," and that could not be more appropriate.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Google search:
eminem sexing a donkey
I'll betcha that this will have all those dumb fucks screaming "Oscar! Oscar!" again. But seriously, I think we'd all like to see this. Then again, if 8 Mile is any indication, even Eminem could make Eminem fucking, errrr, sexing a donkey boring. Except for when he gets into a rap battle with the donkey.
eminem sexing a donkey
I'll betcha that this will have all those dumb fucks screaming "Oscar! Oscar!" again. But seriously, I think we'd all like to see this. Then again, if 8 Mile is any indication, even Eminem could make Eminem fucking, errrr, sexing a donkey boring. Except for when he gets into a rap battle with the donkey.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Aw hell no... I did not leave the South Side for this.
Honey, you're making all of us sick. How can a person not get ill knowing how hot Lindsay Lohan used to be, and how hot she isn't now? Quit dying your hair stupid colors, quit throwing up, quit making your skin orange, quit wrecking your Mercedes, quit driving a Mercedes while you're at it, and quit thinking you need a singing career to be like Hillary Düff who really needs to be hotter. You really need to be hotter, too, but the annoying thing is that you started out hot. Lindsay, go watch Mean Girls, and then go back to being that hottie.
Speaking of Mean Girls, if you haven't seen that movie, you too need to see it. That movie is pretty fucking great, and Tim Meadows is beyond bad-ass in it. You may think that this paragraph is all sarcasm, but seriously dude, it isn't.
Speaking of Mean Girls, if you haven't seen that movie, you too need to see it. That movie is pretty fucking great, and Tim Meadows is beyond bad-ass in it. You may think that this paragraph is all sarcasm, but seriously dude, it isn't.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Okay, to start the new year off on a lame foot, I just got a bunch of search hits that pissed me off.
little april fuck
If you want to see Little April fucking, why don't you just go to her goddamn website? Relax -- every indication I have is that she's legal, even if she doesn't look it. If you're like me, that's neat. A girl in braces is hot. Except this one fucking cunt we knew who ruined an ex-friend of ours. But that's a story I've been meaning to get to for almost three years.
I've been known to fuck up everything.
Join the club.
sasha cohen masturbate
Don't I wish. Do you really think you'll find this out there, moron?
trent reznor's kids
He had better not.
5'7" 125 lbs porn
I'm sick and fucking tired of the specificity if search hits. I can understand wanting some kind of range when it comes to age, height, weight (no fat chicks), whatever, but you have to have these exact specs? You're an asshole.
fuck you fuck everything you stand for
Ha ha ha, fuck you, you stupid Slipknot loving retard. I only hope that every time some imbecile comes to this site due to that query (or a similar one), I hope that they read the whole post where I ridicule Slipknot and their fans.
little april fuck
If you want to see Little April fucking, why don't you just go to her goddamn website? Relax -- every indication I have is that she's legal, even if she doesn't look it. If you're like me, that's neat. A girl in braces is hot. Except this one fucking cunt we knew who ruined an ex-friend of ours. But that's a story I've been meaning to get to for almost three years.
I've been known to fuck up everything.
Join the club.
sasha cohen masturbate
Don't I wish. Do you really think you'll find this out there, moron?
trent reznor's kids
He had better not.
5'7" 125 lbs porn
I'm sick and fucking tired of the specificity if search hits. I can understand wanting some kind of range when it comes to age, height, weight (no fat chicks), whatever, but you have to have these exact specs? You're an asshole.
fuck you fuck everything you stand for
Ha ha ha, fuck you, you stupid Slipknot loving retard. I only hope that every time some imbecile comes to this site due to that query (or a similar one), I hope that they read the whole post where I ridicule Slipknot and their fans.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Ahhhh hell, Chewbacca... Go fix the damn Hyper Drive or uggggh, Jesus.
That doesn't really work in print, but oh well.
Google search:
was silvia saint in cast of king kong
Not according to IMDB, she wasn't. But if she had been, then those jokes about gettin' it on with the gorilla wouldn't have been jokes. And really, that would have made it such a better movie. Well, different.
At least you could leave once that happened, no matter how much film was left, because at that point you will have seen everything that life has to offer. "Okay, I've seen a famous porn actress take it up the ass from a giant gorilla in a major Hollywood motion picture. I'm out."
And, oh yes, it'd be backdoor action for Miss Sylvia. She's the only one out there who could -- and would -- comfortably go back door with Kong.
Google search:
was silvia saint in cast of king kong
Not according to IMDB, she wasn't. But if she had been, then those jokes about gettin' it on with the gorilla wouldn't have been jokes. And really, that would have made it such a better movie. Well, different.
At least you could leave once that happened, no matter how much film was left, because at that point you will have seen everything that life has to offer. "Okay, I've seen a famous porn actress take it up the ass from a giant gorilla in a major Hollywood motion picture. I'm out."
And, oh yes, it'd be backdoor action for Miss Sylvia. She's the only one out there who could -- and would -- comfortably go back door with Kong.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Get Your Enr On
Yes, that title was blatantly ripped from GYWO, but it's really the best title for this post.
I know now why the Enron guys, and all those others who were accused of doing ill shit and destroying records of it, did what they did. No, it wasn't for the money, stupid. You think you understand these guys, but you don't. I do.
What happened was someone in the office got a paper shredder. Prior to this acquisition, they were living in the stone age of hand-shredding or burning shit that needed to be discarded. But no more, because now they had technology. Once they got their hands on it and tried it out, they were like "Holy shit! That's bad ass!" Then they showed a co-worker, and they had much the same response. Things escalated until everyone in the office was trying it out, totally in awe of this wondrous machine. In the beginning, they were just shredding random shit that wasn't important. But like anything, that shit can get out of hand. And it did, because before they knew it, they had shredded important company documents.
What were they to do? It wasn't done on purpose. I mean, why would they do that on purpose? Every big company, and lo, many little companies, are constantly doing illegal, unethical shit. Everyone knows this, so it's not like there's any reason to cover it up. And what are they gonna do? Admit that they accidentally destroyed important documents? Their other big company friends would be laughing at them!
I've been meaning to get myself a shredder for the longest time. No, I don't have a bunch of nefarious shit that I need to cover up. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm paranoid, so paranoid that I don't even like throwing out shit like junk mail because it has my name or some other info that They are after. So I've got always got piles of this shit just laying around, and I'm too lazy to destroy it by hand.
Of course, I still haven't gotten myself a shredder, but thank Christ for Plan B: let someone else do it. When all else fails, pass the buck. I got one as an XMas gift, and damn if it isn't the coolest thing ever. It's a decently nice one that shreds confetti-style, and has all sorts of hardcore gangsta features. It can shred credit cards with ease. If you left staples or paperclips in what you're shredding, no problem. It'll handle it and amuse you greatly at the same time, because you are a simpleton.
Within about a half an hour of breaking this bad boy out of it's box, I had the bin full. It's a pretty big bin, and I was opening it from time to time and packing the shreddings down. If you're going balls out with your shredding, as I was, the thing starts to get kinda warm. When that happens a little light comes on to tell you so, and it won't let you shred any more until it cools down. That's pretty much the only reason I'm posting right now instead of shredding. In fact, I'm gonna go see if it's cooled off so that I can shred some more shit.
I know now why the Enron guys, and all those others who were accused of doing ill shit and destroying records of it, did what they did. No, it wasn't for the money, stupid. You think you understand these guys, but you don't. I do.
What happened was someone in the office got a paper shredder. Prior to this acquisition, they were living in the stone age of hand-shredding or burning shit that needed to be discarded. But no more, because now they had technology. Once they got their hands on it and tried it out, they were like "Holy shit! That's bad ass!" Then they showed a co-worker, and they had much the same response. Things escalated until everyone in the office was trying it out, totally in awe of this wondrous machine. In the beginning, they were just shredding random shit that wasn't important. But like anything, that shit can get out of hand. And it did, because before they knew it, they had shredded important company documents.
What were they to do? It wasn't done on purpose. I mean, why would they do that on purpose? Every big company, and lo, many little companies, are constantly doing illegal, unethical shit. Everyone knows this, so it's not like there's any reason to cover it up. And what are they gonna do? Admit that they accidentally destroyed important documents? Their other big company friends would be laughing at them!
I've been meaning to get myself a shredder for the longest time. No, I don't have a bunch of nefarious shit that I need to cover up. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm paranoid, so paranoid that I don't even like throwing out shit like junk mail because it has my name or some other info that They are after. So I've got always got piles of this shit just laying around, and I'm too lazy to destroy it by hand.
Of course, I still haven't gotten myself a shredder, but thank Christ for Plan B: let someone else do it. When all else fails, pass the buck. I got one as an XMas gift, and damn if it isn't the coolest thing ever. It's a decently nice one that shreds confetti-style, and has all sorts of hardcore gangsta features. It can shred credit cards with ease. If you left staples or paperclips in what you're shredding, no problem. It'll handle it and amuse you greatly at the same time, because you are a simpleton.
Within about a half an hour of breaking this bad boy out of it's box, I had the bin full. It's a pretty big bin, and I was opening it from time to time and packing the shreddings down. If you're going balls out with your shredding, as I was, the thing starts to get kinda warm. When that happens a little light comes on to tell you so, and it won't let you shred any more until it cools down. That's pretty much the only reason I'm posting right now instead of shredding. In fact, I'm gonna go see if it's cooled off so that I can shred some more shit.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Back when I was in high school, I had some problems. I mean, some other problems besides the ones I have today. I was very, very obsessive about grades. For my first two years, I had a 4.0, and I was a fucking nutcase about keeping that up. There was one time that my English teacher gave me, I believe, a B+ on a paper. Not for the semester, just one paper. And I was not happy. I spent all of 7th hour one day bugging the living shit out of him to give me at least the A-. He didn't raise my grade, and probably rightfully so. He probably also should have given me a beatdown, but he didn't. ETP and I used to shoot staples at him during class. I know it's not apparent from this post, but that teacher is one of the fucking coolest guys ever.
Anyway, despite how fucked up I was, I was never this fucked up. I mean, okay, I'd bitch and moan, but fucking stab someone? Dude.
"There's two sides to every story."
Umm, well, yeah. But the fact is, one person came out of this with a stab wound to the neck. It didn't get there on accident.
"She went the extra nine yards when it came to her students."
What the fuck does that even mean? Nine yards won't even get you a first. Unless if it's nine yards beyond the marker, but that's not even a very big deal unless it gets you a touchdown or at least bumps you into field goal range.
Anyway, despite how fucked up I was, I was never this fucked up. I mean, okay, I'd bitch and moan, but fucking stab someone? Dude.
"There's two sides to every story."
Umm, well, yeah. But the fact is, one person came out of this with a stab wound to the neck. It didn't get there on accident.
"She went the extra nine yards when it came to her students."
What the fuck does that even mean? Nine yards won't even get you a first. Unless if it's nine yards beyond the marker, but that's not even a very big deal unless it gets you a touchdown or at least bumps you into field goal range.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Yahoo search:
how to fuck girl butt and ass same time
I have gotten some really stupid fuckheads coming here via search engines. You don't even know the scope of it unless you track my site hits as much as I do, which hopefully you don't because it's sad enough for me but what does that say about you. Anyway, if you don't know that "butt" and "ass" refer to the same thing, then you are right up there in terms of need for committing suicide.
how to fuck girl butt and ass same time
I have gotten some really stupid fuckheads coming here via search engines. You don't even know the scope of it unless you track my site hits as much as I do, which hopefully you don't because it's sad enough for me but what does that say about you. Anyway, if you don't know that "butt" and "ass" refer to the same thing, then you are right up there in terms of need for committing suicide.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Naomi Watts is pretty
I fucking hate Peter Jackson, that fat sweaty mongoloid. As per usual, we've been over this before, but shit like this bears repeating. You know exactly what Jackson thinks of himself and his moviemaking ability just based on how fucking long his films are. He also thinks that if a film is three hours long, it's automatically epic and important.
So I obviously saw King Kong just recently. As per usual, this is more a bunch of general musings and a loose synopsis. I don't really give away any major plot points, unless if you count giving away the end. But if you don't know how this movie ends already, you don't know anything. Anyway, you've been warned. If you're a weenie (like me) who doesn't like anything being given away in advance lest it be totally ruined, just revisit this after you've seen the movie if you were really planning to.
As a prelude to this, I have not seen the original film (although I know some of the very basic elements of it), so as I was watching the movie I didn't know how well Jackson's version followed the original. Just so you don't think you're clever, I learned after watching the movie what the original was like and hence that a lot of these comments aren't quite valid; most of what follows are the thoughts I had as I was watching the film. You can't get it any more raw than this unless if you were there with me, and you weren't.
One thing I kept thinking was that Jackson couldn't make up his mind as to what film he wanted to do. Not that this is an excuse for it's length; he would have made it long no matter what. But you know how Hot Shots billed itself as "the mother of all movies" because it ripped on so many things? Well, I think Hot Shots has lost that title because Kong has surely taken it. Of course, whereas Hot Shots was ripping on other films, Kong is ripping from other films.
The movie starts out as a depression-era period piece on struggling Vaudeville and Broadway actors. Then it turns into a National Geographic special on freaky-ass African tribes (way beyond plates in their lips and FUCKED UP afros). Then it's Jurassic Park. Then it's a movie about Jane Goodall. Finally, after about four days of film (does this guy even do any editing?), Jackson decides what kind of film he wants to make: one about hot, hot woman-on-gigantic-ape action.
Ape, gorilla, whatever.
Before I continue, I was not aware of the nine-minute anal rape scene before watching this movie. And don't give me any shit; Naomi Watts may have said "yes," but once a 50-foot gorilla starts putting it in, it's fucking rape.
Rape aside though, Jackson does do one thing right, and that's make a powerful commentary on human-gorilla romantic and sexual relations. Just when you're getting to the good stuff (at least for one party), the fucking government steps in and starts shooting at you and blowing shit up. Bastards.
Again, as I said, I know now that the phases that the film went through were in parallel with the original King Kong. So you could say instead that the creators of the original were the ones who pre-emptively ripped off everything that I mentioned. But with how excessive Jackson is with everything, and how horribly he draws everything out, a lot of the thoughts are still applicable even if it's holding true to the original. Take for instance all of the dinosaur shit. Look, Peter, we've been there, we've done that. If you're gonna keep that in there, fine -- but we don't need that fucking much of it. I know this bit of advice, which is applicable to EVERYTHING YOU DO, is falling on deaf ears. Ears, of course, that went deaf from all that "cha-ching!" he's been hearing these past few years.
Yeah, excessive. There were so many times where I was thinking to myself "Okay, that's enough. I'm sick of this." We don't need another dinosaur fight. We don't need this one to start at the top of the cliff, then move down to the vines between the cliffs for another hour, then complete about a day later down at the bottom. Stop that!
Oh, and we get it -- scary creatures! Once they're exploring the island every fucking moment of this movie is dedicated to what creepy creature they're going to run into next that will give them problems. I know that this is a remote island filled with strange things, but I've gotta think that even the most infested places have a couple of spots that are unpopulated by something that wants to kill you. But no, not on Jackson's vision of Skull Island. We've got an effects budget, and fuck if we're not going to blow through all of it. Nevermind developing characters or story or anything, if there's always some kind of chaos, that makes a movie good.
Speaking of chaos, there are a lot of stylistic things that Jackson does that piss me off. Well, at least this is what Jackson is passing off as "style." One of the things I hated the most about the Lord of the Rings movies were the battle scenes. They were so hectic with so much shit going on that you couldn't follow what the hell was going on. Yes, I know, real battles can be like that, but it doesn't make for a good scene. But anyway, he follows this same bad pattern in Kong with some of the action sequences, so I continue to hate him for it. I paid to see this shit (well, today I didn't, but still), so I'd like to follow what's happening. Really, though, they could have just replaced some scenes in LOTR and Kong with some totally random shit being strewn about, and it would have been all the same.
Another thing, Peter: slow-motion does not automatically make something really dramatic or poignant. Don't do it if you don't need to, and rarely if ever did you need to in Kong. Oh, and don't have characters whispering stuff to each other that the audience can't hear if you're going to reveal what they're talking about six seconds later (the revelation coming in slow-mo, of course). That could be a good device to set up some suspense, but this wasn't something that was really suspenseful to begin with, and you fucked it up anyway by telling us the secret immediately.
The biggest element of Jackson's "style" that I hate, of course, is "long and drawn out." But of course, when I actually want him to explain something, when I really want him to go deeper, he doesn't. Riddle me this, fat man: once Kong is sedated, how the fuck did they get him back to New York? That wasn't exactly a big boat that they had. And I'm only guessing that they were able to keep him sedated on the way back, as well as once he was in New York, but we'll never know. I really shouldn't complain about this, though; had he covered these things I wouldn't be here right now to type this because I'd either still be in the theater or I would have slit my wrists already.
A comment on the special effects needs to be made. Some of them? Weren't that special. There were a lot that I was looking at, and I'm like, that's fake. I mean, I know it's fake, but when you're spending that kind of jack for FX, it's usually a bit more convincing. A lot of the FX were good, but at those prices (I don't know the exact figure, but it doesn't take a genius to know that they were high), they should all be good. There were a few other things that I can think of off the top of my head that were bullshit. After Kong falls to his death, from the top of the Empire State building, his lifeless body is surprisingly well intact on the street below. And then there's one point where Adrien Brody is flying around Manhattan in what I'm guessing is a Ford Model A, but he's outrunning Kong and maneuvering it like it's my car. No. Oh, and I'm no behavioral expert when it comes to dinosaurs, but I'm guessing that their reactions and motions during fighting aren't going to be just like humans. Or at least, that's how it came across to me. But at least one T-Rex no longer needs his Reach toothbrush now that he has a flip-top head.
Throughout the movie, there were three trains of thought that I was constantly on:
One more thing I liked about seeing Kong was something that the makers of Kong had nothing to do with. I saw a preview for a movie coming out next year with Denzel Washington and total bad-ass Clive Owen called Inside Man (I believe). Movie previews and commercials are the most god-awful fucking things, but at least for once I got something useful out of all that nonsense.
The thing is, Jackson's King Kong wasn't a horrid movie. It would have been decently good if it wasn't so goddamn long and another crucial part of Jackson's Master Self Aggrandizement Plan. Dude, hit the cutting room from time to time, and I hopefully won't be complaining as much. Or at least, I can get out of the theater before cockroaches are extinct. An hour-and-a-half, and this movie would have been pretty solid. Over three hours, it's Peter Jackson, and we know what that means to me.
Okay, so let's do the list:
Style points, drawing things out: -100
Style points, exaggerating everything: -50 (I'm feeling generous)
Other excesses: -10
Peter Jackson: -1000
Jack Black, who I've never particularly liked: -5
Jack Black, being somewhat tolerable despite above: +1
Naomi Watts: +100 (god, she's hot)
German guns: +1
Slow-mo: -1
All that money on effects, and you give me this weak-ass shit?: -5
Misc. Bullshit: -10
Inside Man preview: +1
One point detracted for every minute of the film: -187
So we have a total of... -1265. That's the worst I've ever rated anything, and it was pretty much all on the weakness of Peter Jackson. Take him out of the equation (making sure to do it Speed style by fucking killing him), and this movie fares much, much better.
So I obviously saw King Kong just recently. As per usual, this is more a bunch of general musings and a loose synopsis. I don't really give away any major plot points, unless if you count giving away the end. But if you don't know how this movie ends already, you don't know anything. Anyway, you've been warned. If you're a weenie (like me) who doesn't like anything being given away in advance lest it be totally ruined, just revisit this after you've seen the movie if you were really planning to.
As a prelude to this, I have not seen the original film (although I know some of the very basic elements of it), so as I was watching the movie I didn't know how well Jackson's version followed the original. Just so you don't think you're clever, I learned after watching the movie what the original was like and hence that a lot of these comments aren't quite valid; most of what follows are the thoughts I had as I was watching the film. You can't get it any more raw than this unless if you were there with me, and you weren't.
One thing I kept thinking was that Jackson couldn't make up his mind as to what film he wanted to do. Not that this is an excuse for it's length; he would have made it long no matter what. But you know how Hot Shots billed itself as "the mother of all movies" because it ripped on so many things? Well, I think Hot Shots has lost that title because Kong has surely taken it. Of course, whereas Hot Shots was ripping on other films, Kong is ripping from other films.
The movie starts out as a depression-era period piece on struggling Vaudeville and Broadway actors. Then it turns into a National Geographic special on freaky-ass African tribes (way beyond plates in their lips and FUCKED UP afros). Then it's Jurassic Park. Then it's a movie about Jane Goodall. Finally, after about four days of film (does this guy even do any editing?), Jackson decides what kind of film he wants to make: one about hot, hot woman-on-gigantic-ape action.
Ape, gorilla, whatever.
Before I continue, I was not aware of the nine-minute anal rape scene before watching this movie. And don't give me any shit; Naomi Watts may have said "yes," but once a 50-foot gorilla starts putting it in, it's fucking rape.
Rape aside though, Jackson does do one thing right, and that's make a powerful commentary on human-gorilla romantic and sexual relations. Just when you're getting to the good stuff (at least for one party), the fucking government steps in and starts shooting at you and blowing shit up. Bastards.
Again, as I said, I know now that the phases that the film went through were in parallel with the original King Kong. So you could say instead that the creators of the original were the ones who pre-emptively ripped off everything that I mentioned. But with how excessive Jackson is with everything, and how horribly he draws everything out, a lot of the thoughts are still applicable even if it's holding true to the original. Take for instance all of the dinosaur shit. Look, Peter, we've been there, we've done that. If you're gonna keep that in there, fine -- but we don't need that fucking much of it. I know this bit of advice, which is applicable to EVERYTHING YOU DO, is falling on deaf ears. Ears, of course, that went deaf from all that "cha-ching!" he's been hearing these past few years.
Yeah, excessive. There were so many times where I was thinking to myself "Okay, that's enough. I'm sick of this." We don't need another dinosaur fight. We don't need this one to start at the top of the cliff, then move down to the vines between the cliffs for another hour, then complete about a day later down at the bottom. Stop that!
Oh, and we get it -- scary creatures! Once they're exploring the island every fucking moment of this movie is dedicated to what creepy creature they're going to run into next that will give them problems. I know that this is a remote island filled with strange things, but I've gotta think that even the most infested places have a couple of spots that are unpopulated by something that wants to kill you. But no, not on Jackson's vision of Skull Island. We've got an effects budget, and fuck if we're not going to blow through all of it. Nevermind developing characters or story or anything, if there's always some kind of chaos, that makes a movie good.
Speaking of chaos, there are a lot of stylistic things that Jackson does that piss me off. Well, at least this is what Jackson is passing off as "style." One of the things I hated the most about the Lord of the Rings movies were the battle scenes. They were so hectic with so much shit going on that you couldn't follow what the hell was going on. Yes, I know, real battles can be like that, but it doesn't make for a good scene. But anyway, he follows this same bad pattern in Kong with some of the action sequences, so I continue to hate him for it. I paid to see this shit (well, today I didn't, but still), so I'd like to follow what's happening. Really, though, they could have just replaced some scenes in LOTR and Kong with some totally random shit being strewn about, and it would have been all the same.
Another thing, Peter: slow-motion does not automatically make something really dramatic or poignant. Don't do it if you don't need to, and rarely if ever did you need to in Kong. Oh, and don't have characters whispering stuff to each other that the audience can't hear if you're going to reveal what they're talking about six seconds later (the revelation coming in slow-mo, of course). That could be a good device to set up some suspense, but this wasn't something that was really suspenseful to begin with, and you fucked it up anyway by telling us the secret immediately.
The biggest element of Jackson's "style" that I hate, of course, is "long and drawn out." But of course, when I actually want him to explain something, when I really want him to go deeper, he doesn't. Riddle me this, fat man: once Kong is sedated, how the fuck did they get him back to New York? That wasn't exactly a big boat that they had. And I'm only guessing that they were able to keep him sedated on the way back, as well as once he was in New York, but we'll never know. I really shouldn't complain about this, though; had he covered these things I wouldn't be here right now to type this because I'd either still be in the theater or I would have slit my wrists already.
A comment on the special effects needs to be made. Some of them? Weren't that special. There were a lot that I was looking at, and I'm like, that's fake. I mean, I know it's fake, but when you're spending that kind of jack for FX, it's usually a bit more convincing. A lot of the FX were good, but at those prices (I don't know the exact figure, but it doesn't take a genius to know that they were high), they should all be good. There were a few other things that I can think of off the top of my head that were bullshit. After Kong falls to his death, from the top of the Empire State building, his lifeless body is surprisingly well intact on the street below. And then there's one point where Adrien Brody is flying around Manhattan in what I'm guessing is a Ford Model A, but he's outrunning Kong and maneuvering it like it's my car. No. Oh, and I'm no behavioral expert when it comes to dinosaurs, but I'm guessing that their reactions and motions during fighting aren't going to be just like humans. Or at least, that's how it came across to me. But at least one T-Rex no longer needs his Reach toothbrush now that he has a flip-top head.
Throughout the movie, there were three trains of thought that I was constantly on:
- Where's my jacket I wanna leave. I've been at this movie six years; I want to see other movies.
- When are they gonna get to the part where he climbs the Empire State building?
- Holy Christ Naomi Watts is hot.
One more thing I liked about seeing Kong was something that the makers of Kong had nothing to do with. I saw a preview for a movie coming out next year with Denzel Washington and total bad-ass Clive Owen called Inside Man (I believe). Movie previews and commercials are the most god-awful fucking things, but at least for once I got something useful out of all that nonsense.
The thing is, Jackson's King Kong wasn't a horrid movie. It would have been decently good if it wasn't so goddamn long and another crucial part of Jackson's Master Self Aggrandizement Plan. Dude, hit the cutting room from time to time, and I hopefully won't be complaining as much. Or at least, I can get out of the theater before cockroaches are extinct. An hour-and-a-half, and this movie would have been pretty solid. Over three hours, it's Peter Jackson, and we know what that means to me.
Okay, so let's do the list:
Style points, drawing things out: -100
Style points, exaggerating everything: -50 (I'm feeling generous)
Other excesses: -10
Peter Jackson: -1000
Jack Black, who I've never particularly liked: -5
Jack Black, being somewhat tolerable despite above: +1
Naomi Watts: +100 (god, she's hot)
German guns: +1
Slow-mo: -1
All that money on effects, and you give me this weak-ass shit?: -5
Misc. Bullshit: -10
Inside Man preview: +1
One point detracted for every minute of the film: -187
So we have a total of... -1265. That's the worst I've ever rated anything, and it was pretty much all on the weakness of Peter Jackson. Take him out of the equation (making sure to do it Speed style by fucking killing him), and this movie fares much, much better.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Earlier tonight I saw a rugby game for XBox. And I was like, that's kinda cool. But is there anything out for Aussie Rules Football? I'm not sure if there's anything for modern consoles, but they at least had a game for the oridinal NES.
The coolest AFL team has gotta be the Melbourne Demons (although the Essendon Bombers have a cool name and logo, too). When ETP and I made a failed attempt to follow Aussie rulesfootball footy back in our freshman year, I had initially picked another club as my team, but eventually had to go with the Demons since that mascot is BA (I shortened it). Of course, it's hard to "follow" a sport that is rarely if ever broadcast over here, but that's because everything sucks in America.
The coolest AFL team has gotta be the Melbourne Demons (although the Essendon Bombers have a cool name and logo, too). When ETP and I made a failed attempt to follow Aussie rules
Hey, Paizanos!
One of the great things about growing up is revisiting things you enjoyed as a kid and realizing how bad they sucked. ETP and BOETP got me the DVD set of The Legend of Zelda cartoons that ran on Fridays as part of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show circa 1989. Now, Zelda has held up pretty well. Yeah, Link is a choad. Yeah, Zelda is a cunt. Yeah, a lot of the jokes are really fucking stupid. But it's still pretty watchable and entertaining.
Included in the Zelda set is a handful of TSMBSS live action clips. For anyone who watched this, you know what the show was about -- there were the cartoons (both Super Mario Brothers and Zelda) as well as short live-action skits intermixed in each episode. The live-action portions starred the late Captain Lou Albano as Mario and some other guy as Luigi. And holy fucking Christ were those live-action portions horrible. I mean, you spend a day having the shits, and it's not so bad when compared to this. As if that wasn't bad enough, the closing credits for the show have Captain Lou encouraging you to "do the Mario!" as he does what I will loosely call "a dance." Upon seeing this for the first time in sixteen years, I was like, wow, I think Captain Lou Albano died of embarrassment.
Looking at his IMDB profile and searching around on the web, Captain Lou isn't dead after all. But seriously, the live-action stuff from TSMBSS is just awful. It's so bad that I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable just from watching it.
One problem I think I have in writing this blog nowadays is that I feel like I have to have desensitized people to talking about a lot of fucked up shit. Or if nothing else, many things just have a "been there, done that" feel to them. For long-timers, of course -- newbies are always at risk to be totally turned off by this shit. I bring up things from the Holy Trinity of Things that Make People Sick -- bestiality, incest, and pedophilia -- seemingly as much as I can because it's amusing to a sick fuck like me to bring up things that bother other people. I could just be projecting since, at least conceptually (although not necessarily in real-life practice) I'm desensitized to these things. I mean, it's gotta bother a lot of people no matter what when I bring up being attracted to an 11-year-old girl because she has good stuff. Now, if you know baseball you understand the double entendre, but it is a double entendre since we've been down both routes. And you're still not too comfortable with people fucking horses, right? I hope not, because that's what the rest of this post is about.
Anyway, as we were watching Zelda, horsefucking came up. In case you're wondering how this came up (because you wouldn't expect it with me), there was a point where we find out that Link's horse is named Catherine. And I had to ask, "Did he name the horse after Catherine the Great because she died fucking a horse?" Even though the horse legend might be total bullshit, it's still funny to bring up. That led to ETP mentioning this story from a couple of months back. As it turned out, he didn't die from the horse falling on top of him.
Several months back, I suddenly started getting a bunch of Google hits for things like "man dies fucking horse video." And despite the fucked up search hits that I get ("donkey dongs" is a popular one... just thought I'd share), I still had to ask what the fuck brought it on. Then I saw one search hit that included mention of Dan Savage, the Savage Love sex columnist, and I thought the issue was settled -- it was something that had come up in one of his columns.
Nope, as it turns out, some dumbass died of a "perforated colon" from taking it up the ass from a horse. Christ, the balls (balls, of course, almost always equating to a lack of brains) to let a horse fuck you in the ass. But really, the thing that I get thinking about is this guy's family. You thought Captain Lou was embarrassed? Shit, imagine having to explain that to other people. "How's Tommy doing?" "He's dead." "Oh, I'm so sorry... What happened?" [Insert lie].
Do you think they had a funeral for him? I'd be willing to bet that his next of kin just said "Fuck it... Just burn his body or throw it out. We never speak of this again."
"The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web"
Bullshit -- and I'm not totally kidding. Chatrooms are filled with some pretty vile shit, but it's mostly just talk. Although I'd imagine that with the cesspool that the internet and chatrooms are, there are places where getting punctured internally by a horse can be arranged.
"If you're talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues."
This statement amuses me. Now, I get it that sex with animals isn't illegal in Washington state, as it isn't in many others for some odd reason in this day and age, but I still found this to be a funny thing for someone to say. You're cool with horses but sheep and goats are right out? Okay, just so long as we're clear.
Included in the Zelda set is a handful of TSMBSS live action clips. For anyone who watched this, you know what the show was about -- there were the cartoons (both Super Mario Brothers and Zelda) as well as short live-action skits intermixed in each episode. The live-action portions starred the late Captain Lou Albano as Mario and some other guy as Luigi. And holy fucking Christ were those live-action portions horrible. I mean, you spend a day having the shits, and it's not so bad when compared to this. As if that wasn't bad enough, the closing credits for the show have Captain Lou encouraging you to "do the Mario!" as he does what I will loosely call "a dance." Upon seeing this for the first time in sixteen years, I was like, wow, I think Captain Lou Albano died of embarrassment.
Looking at his IMDB profile and searching around on the web, Captain Lou isn't dead after all. But seriously, the live-action stuff from TSMBSS is just awful. It's so bad that I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable just from watching it.
One problem I think I have in writing this blog nowadays is that I feel like I have to have desensitized people to talking about a lot of fucked up shit. Or if nothing else, many things just have a "been there, done that" feel to them. For long-timers, of course -- newbies are always at risk to be totally turned off by this shit. I bring up things from the Holy Trinity of Things that Make People Sick -- bestiality, incest, and pedophilia -- seemingly as much as I can because it's amusing to a sick fuck like me to bring up things that bother other people. I could just be projecting since, at least conceptually (although not necessarily in real-life practice) I'm desensitized to these things. I mean, it's gotta bother a lot of people no matter what when I bring up being attracted to an 11-year-old girl because she has good stuff. Now, if you know baseball you understand the double entendre, but it is a double entendre since we've been down both routes. And you're still not too comfortable with people fucking horses, right? I hope not, because that's what the rest of this post is about.
Anyway, as we were watching Zelda, horsefucking came up. In case you're wondering how this came up (because you wouldn't expect it with me), there was a point where we find out that Link's horse is named Catherine. And I had to ask, "Did he name the horse after Catherine the Great because she died fucking a horse?" Even though the horse legend might be total bullshit, it's still funny to bring up. That led to ETP mentioning this story from a couple of months back. As it turned out, he didn't die from the horse falling on top of him.
Several months back, I suddenly started getting a bunch of Google hits for things like "man dies fucking horse video." And despite the fucked up search hits that I get ("donkey dongs" is a popular one... just thought I'd share), I still had to ask what the fuck brought it on. Then I saw one search hit that included mention of Dan Savage, the Savage Love sex columnist, and I thought the issue was settled -- it was something that had come up in one of his columns.
Nope, as it turns out, some dumbass died of a "perforated colon" from taking it up the ass from a horse. Christ, the balls (balls, of course, almost always equating to a lack of brains) to let a horse fuck you in the ass. But really, the thing that I get thinking about is this guy's family. You thought Captain Lou was embarrassed? Shit, imagine having to explain that to other people. "How's Tommy doing?" "He's dead." "Oh, I'm so sorry... What happened?" [Insert lie].
Do you think they had a funeral for him? I'd be willing to bet that his next of kin just said "Fuck it... Just burn his body or throw it out. We never speak of this again."
"The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web"
Bullshit -- and I'm not totally kidding. Chatrooms are filled with some pretty vile shit, but it's mostly just talk. Although I'd imagine that with the cesspool that the internet and chatrooms are, there are places where getting punctured internally by a horse can be arranged.
"If you're talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues."
This statement amuses me. Now, I get it that sex with animals isn't illegal in Washington state, as it isn't in many others for some odd reason in this day and age, but I still found this to be a funny thing for someone to say. You're cool with horses but sheep and goats are right out? Okay, just so long as we're clear.
Why is it that everything I get interested in either turns to shit or goes away? Like for instance, I got into Star Trek in Next Gen's sixth season. The show didn't go bad on me, but it did go away a season and a half later.
Quite possibly the biggest disappointment of all time is Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. I discovered this around Xmas of last year, and immediately hailed it as the reason we invented the webcomic. Well, I didn't go that far, but I was thoroughly pleased with what Ghastly had put forth. And how was I rewarded for this praise? With the comic turning to utter schlock, of course. I check it every week, but it's with a sense of begrudging dread that I do so. It's more out of idiotic obligation that I do this, kinda like when I bought The Fragile many years back.
I know why Ghastly became ghastly unfunny. Two reasons. For one, Ghastly set out on a quest to become a better artist in terms of his drawing. This is a laudable goal, but it should not come at the expense of your biggest talent -- writing. Also, he apparently started doing a second comic, which I haven't looked at and don't care to at this point. That sapped time and energy from the main comic, and combined with his bullshit improvement goal, made for a lousy comic.
You know who else isn't funny anymore? Me. I look back at some of my older posts, and I'm like, damn, this kid is funny. I know it's rather uncouth to laugh at one's own jokes, but fuck that -- I am a comic genius. Or at least I was, because now I fuck ass. And not in a good way, either.
So we know why Ghastly sucks now, but what the hell happened to me? Well, answering that question in full scale could be a blog of it's own, but in terms of why my 'blog isn't funny anymore, we can look to a lot of things. For one, just about everything I posted on died with the election last year. In the run-up, it was like, yeah, this is fun to talk about. Then it was like, man, this is a fucking waste of time. It also never helps when you're a sore loser. Then there was/is my job, which actually keeps me pretty busy, and so it was like, fuck this -- I don't have time to post. Then, of course, there was all the nonsense about the car. Not that posting on it was bad per se (especially not for me, of course, but as always everyone else is on their own), but that was really all I cared to post about. As I've said before, I've really got nothing more going on besides A) the car B) work and C) masturbating. Work I just don't really bring up because even though I enjoy my job, it's not one that's really bloggable. The car I obviously bring up from time to time. And masturbating? Shit, trust me -- you do not want to hear about that. It is even less hot than it sounds, and I know that doesn't seem possible, but it is.
Okay, that's enough bullshit introspection. At this point I'm not doing this blog bullshit out of obligation or anything, and from time to time I get a bug up my ass to do it, so it's still amusing to me. Anyway, speaking of Ghastly and the good ol' days, I was searching through old posts on Blogger, and came across an unposted "Year in Review" from last year. It really wasn't very good (which is saying quite a bit considering the quality to be found here), so I never got motivated to finish it. I left it pretty raw -- there were gaps, errors (I somehow fucked up the year, which was pretty brilliant) and even a section just called "UNFINISHED," so it has even less polish than the other drivel I put out there. But it kinda irritates me to have shit unposted, and there were at least a couple of things that made me laugh. So do 'ya remember 2004 and are you ready to relive it? Me neither. But I did it, so now you have to, too. Maybe I'll do a timely 2005 year in review later this month or in early '06, or maybe I'll post it when it's even less relevant. Without further ado, I present to you a post that never was... But now is.
It has been my annual tradition to list a bunch of random shit here at Fuck everything, and though the odds of me telling you my thoughts on 2003 are actually quite high doing it the way I've done it for the last few years really sounds awful to me. To both of us, even. So we're not going to do that.
Oh wait, yes we are. Why? Because I've got no place else to go. I'm starting this list New Year's Eve, and within a couple of days it should be sufficiently unfunny for me to release it into the wild. Like last year's list, this is pretty much just a stream of consciousness effort much like everything else I'm responsible for. Some categories will be returning, others added, with yet others shamefully dismissed. Let's get it on.
Story of the year
U.S. presidential "election"
Unlike last year, this was sort of a tough call. Mainly due to the big awful story of the past week with the earthquake and tsunamis in Asia and Africa. The thing is, when it comes to the tsunami story, there's really not much that I can do a lot of complaining about. More importantly, I really haven't found anything there to make jokes about -- we may have to wait the requisite 22.3 years for that.
The election, on the other hand, gave me plenty to bitch and complain about. The pitting of SuperDumbfuck George W. Bush against SuperNothing John F. Kerry (John who?) fueled quite a few posts around here. Of course, it was also the run-up to the election -- the RNC, the DNC, Republican bullshit, John Kerry's (John who's?) neverending pussitude, the Swiftboat bitter assholes, to name a few things -- that all but killed my desire to 'blog, especially on politics. If that doesn't make you pro-election, I don't know what will.
Album of the year
Fluke's Six Wheels on My Wagon
This was actually one of Fluke's earlier releases, having come out in 1993. Once again, though, since I am the center of everything, nothing really happens until I'm exposed to it. And since I didn't get my shit together and buy it until this year (and actually, it was ETP who put in the order to get both of us our copies), that makes it eligible for this year's award.
Album of the year, if I'm forced to pick something besides a Fluke release
???
I don't listen to music. Go ask someone who knows shit about shit, like ETP.
Greatest Grill of All Time
Muhammad Ali's "The Greatest Grill of All Time"
The rivalry is heating back up.
Webcomic of the Year
Ghastly's Ghastly Comic
A late entry, this one is pretty much beyond everything.
Stand-up Performance of the Year
George Carlin
I can't even remember half of what went down this year, but I'm pretty sure that we at least saw Carlin, Robert Schimmel, Chris Rock, and Bill Maher at some point during the year. Maher was good as always. Chris Rock, despite the long hiatus from touring, is still good. Schimmel, last year's winner, was also good, but that man hasn't written a new joke in like five years. Carlin, on the other hand is, well, Carlin.
Laura Bush "Cunt of the Year" Annual Award
Laura Bush
I still hate this woman.
Movie of the Year
Uhhh...
I never go to movies, for two reasons. For one, there's hardly ever anything out that interests me. For two, I for some reason have a really difficult time allocating, in advance, a two-hour block of time to just sitting around doing essentially nothing. Granted, I never do anything but sit around doing nothing for hours at a time, but when it's not planned in ahead of time (and bought for $8), doing nothing still seems fresh and exciting.
I was really looking forward to Kill Bill Vol. 2, and that turned out to be a pretty big disappointment. Yeah, it was still pretty good, but it just didn't have the intangible "it" of the first installment. I remember seeing Hellboy back in April or whatever, and while entertaining, this movie does not belong on any self-respecting or even self-effacing "best of" list. Oh, and didn't Michael Moore's latest piece of propaganda come out this year? That, too, was entertaining, but seeing as how it reall didn't help and may have actually hurt chances if us ousting Bush, it certainly doesn't win shit.
Before Kill Bill Vol. 1, I'm pretty sure the most recent movie I saw was Star Trek: Nemesis (probably not true), so I'm just going to punt on this category. One finger for all of Hollywood in recognition of the fact that they're not putting out anything that interests me.
Video Game of the Year
Dead or Alive Ultimate
I'm obligated to go with any game that's A) pretty and B) brings me things like Kasumi in bloomers, an XBox girl outfit, and a naughty Santa outfit along with Hitomi in bloomers, a sailor uniform, and her own XBox girl outfit. Ignoring the fact that I hate this fucking game and get utterly sick of it anytime I start playing because I'm no good at it, it wins the crown for this year.
Another game which I get beyond frustrated with but comes in second place is Ninja Gaiden. Not that I want to sound too much like ETP's list, but whatever. At least I really didn't care for Kart (where the fuck are my jump turns?), I have no particular affinity for Megaman even if it's decently fun (but then again, I never worked with a friend to beat Megaman 2 without getting hit once), and Crystal Chronicles had zero appeal to me. But yeah, Ninja Gaiden was good stuff, even if I got completely pissed towards the end of Chapter 5 and not picking the game up again until just a couple of days ago (I made progress, too! And now... Now I'm stuck again and will probably resume playing in May). Some other games that were probably cool but also fell victim to my Videogame ADHD:
Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: I really just did not give this game much of a chance, but it just didn't suck me in like I'd hoped it would. I need to give it another shot.
La Pucelle: Tactics: This one I did enjoy playing, even if it didn't really suck me in like, say, Ocarina of Time, and for months I've been saying that I really want to start playing it again.
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: I'm pretty sure I got this game this past year. It, too, was a lot of fucking fun, but my attention span blows. How cool of an idea was it to get Ray Liotta to voice the main character? And shit, that's merely the beginning.
Super Mario Sunshine: Yes, this one is also kinda old, but I got it early last year. I really don't have any desire to play it again, either. I'm sorry, but this game is just fucking gay, and not gay in a good way, either. Why can't they just make a regular fucking Mario game that doesn't do something like focus on that stupid water backpack thingy?
Game release I'm most looking forward to
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Say what you want about what's on the racks at stores, this game doesn't come out until I can play it on XBox.
New game system that I have no desire to pick up
Nintendo DS
Alternately referred to as the Nintendo DipShit and the Nintendo DickSuck, I don't care how many people (ETP) say it's a decent system, I don't fucking want one. I just have moral opposition to there being two screens. So what if they can put the map or something useful down there? A second screen is nothing but a gimmick, and I'm sorry, but I'd much rather see the focus be placed on something other than a gimmick. Also, a second screen is just plain excessive, and if there's anything I'm against, it's excess.
Speaking of Excess
Project 3 Series
Project 3 Series morphed into Project 330 and is now Project ZHP. It is driving me absolutely nuts, and I don't want to talk about it until I either just get the stupid BMW or realize there's no way for it to happen. So you're all spared... For now.
Biggest Asshole
Sylvia Saint
Yeah, I blew it by using this joke prematurely several months back, but fuck it. This needs to be on every list until the end of time.
UNFINISHED
Nazi concept most applicable to my life
Lebensraum
As an article in The Onion once declared, "Lebensraum is totally where it's at!" I, of course, find amusement in stuff like this because I find myself getting a joke that I don't think the average American is going to get.
But yeah, that's pretty much what all of this year was for me -- living space. First, I needed a house with enough space for me and my girls. Then, I needed lebensraum in a more abstract manner when trying to find breathing room in my budget to get the BMW and still be able to save money while maintaining a decent standard of living. Further appropriate that I was lusting after a German car.
So I took a term that Hitler used to justify invading neighbors and thus setting the entire world on fire which led to the death of millions, and belittled it all as part of my quest for material goods and money. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm an asshole and a bad person.
Most awful human being
It took some thinking to come up with a winner, but it's pretty sad for the rest of humanity because I knew that I still cannot make the top of this list.
Anime of the Year
???
Who cares, watching anime is for fucking losers
But if I did watch anime...
I still really don't know
I've had to back way the hell off from this habit this past year.
Quite possibly the biggest disappointment of all time is Ghastly's Ghastly Comic. I discovered this around Xmas of last year, and immediately hailed it as the reason we invented the webcomic. Well, I didn't go that far, but I was thoroughly pleased with what Ghastly had put forth. And how was I rewarded for this praise? With the comic turning to utter schlock, of course. I check it every week, but it's with a sense of begrudging dread that I do so. It's more out of idiotic obligation that I do this, kinda like when I bought The Fragile many years back.
I know why Ghastly became ghastly unfunny. Two reasons. For one, Ghastly set out on a quest to become a better artist in terms of his drawing. This is a laudable goal, but it should not come at the expense of your biggest talent -- writing. Also, he apparently started doing a second comic, which I haven't looked at and don't care to at this point. That sapped time and energy from the main comic, and combined with his bullshit improvement goal, made for a lousy comic.
You know who else isn't funny anymore? Me. I look back at some of my older posts, and I'm like, damn, this kid is funny. I know it's rather uncouth to laugh at one's own jokes, but fuck that -- I am a comic genius. Or at least I was, because now I fuck ass. And not in a good way, either.
So we know why Ghastly sucks now, but what the hell happened to me? Well, answering that question in full scale could be a blog of it's own, but in terms of why my 'blog isn't funny anymore, we can look to a lot of things. For one, just about everything I posted on died with the election last year. In the run-up, it was like, yeah, this is fun to talk about. Then it was like, man, this is a fucking waste of time. It also never helps when you're a sore loser. Then there was/is my job, which actually keeps me pretty busy, and so it was like, fuck this -- I don't have time to post. Then, of course, there was all the nonsense about the car. Not that posting on it was bad per se (especially not for me, of course, but as always everyone else is on their own), but that was really all I cared to post about. As I've said before, I've really got nothing more going on besides A) the car B) work and C) masturbating. Work I just don't really bring up because even though I enjoy my job, it's not one that's really bloggable. The car I obviously bring up from time to time. And masturbating? Shit, trust me -- you do not want to hear about that. It is even less hot than it sounds, and I know that doesn't seem possible, but it is.
Okay, that's enough bullshit introspection. At this point I'm not doing this blog bullshit out of obligation or anything, and from time to time I get a bug up my ass to do it, so it's still amusing to me. Anyway, speaking of Ghastly and the good ol' days, I was searching through old posts on Blogger, and came across an unposted "Year in Review" from last year. It really wasn't very good (which is saying quite a bit considering the quality to be found here), so I never got motivated to finish it. I left it pretty raw -- there were gaps, errors (I somehow fucked up the year, which was pretty brilliant) and even a section just called "UNFINISHED," so it has even less polish than the other drivel I put out there. But it kinda irritates me to have shit unposted, and there were at least a couple of things that made me laugh. So do 'ya remember 2004 and are you ready to relive it? Me neither. But I did it, so now you have to, too. Maybe I'll do a timely 2005 year in review later this month or in early '06, or maybe I'll post it when it's even less relevant. Without further ado, I present to you a post that never was... But now is.
Yeah, fuck lists
It has been my annual tradition to list a bunch of random shit here at Fuck everything, and though the odds of me telling you my thoughts on 2003 are actually quite high doing it the way I've done it for the last few years really sounds awful to me. To both of us, even. So we're not going to do that.
Oh wait, yes we are. Why? Because I've got no place else to go. I'm starting this list New Year's Eve, and within a couple of days it should be sufficiently unfunny for me to release it into the wild. Like last year's list, this is pretty much just a stream of consciousness effort much like everything else I'm responsible for. Some categories will be returning, others added, with yet others shamefully dismissed. Let's get it on.
Story of the year
U.S. presidential "election"
Unlike last year, this was sort of a tough call. Mainly due to the big awful story of the past week with the earthquake and tsunamis in Asia and Africa. The thing is, when it comes to the tsunami story, there's really not much that I can do a lot of complaining about. More importantly, I really haven't found anything there to make jokes about -- we may have to wait the requisite 22.3 years for that.
The election, on the other hand, gave me plenty to bitch and complain about. The pitting of SuperDumbfuck George W. Bush against SuperNothing John F. Kerry (John who?) fueled quite a few posts around here. Of course, it was also the run-up to the election -- the RNC, the DNC, Republican bullshit, John Kerry's (John who's?) neverending pussitude, the Swiftboat bitter assholes, to name a few things -- that all but killed my desire to 'blog, especially on politics. If that doesn't make you pro-election, I don't know what will.
Album of the year
Fluke's Six Wheels on My Wagon
This was actually one of Fluke's earlier releases, having come out in 1993. Once again, though, since I am the center of everything, nothing really happens until I'm exposed to it. And since I didn't get my shit together and buy it until this year (and actually, it was ETP who put in the order to get both of us our copies), that makes it eligible for this year's award.
Album of the year, if I'm forced to pick something besides a Fluke release
???
I don't listen to music. Go ask someone who knows shit about shit, like ETP.
Greatest Grill of All Time
Muhammad Ali's "The Greatest Grill of All Time"
The rivalry is heating back up.
Webcomic of the Year
Ghastly's Ghastly Comic
A late entry, this one is pretty much beyond everything.
Stand-up Performance of the Year
George Carlin
I can't even remember half of what went down this year, but I'm pretty sure that we at least saw Carlin, Robert Schimmel, Chris Rock, and Bill Maher at some point during the year. Maher was good as always. Chris Rock, despite the long hiatus from touring, is still good. Schimmel, last year's winner, was also good, but that man hasn't written a new joke in like five years. Carlin, on the other hand is, well, Carlin.
Laura Bush "Cunt of the Year" Annual Award
Laura Bush
I still hate this woman.
Movie of the Year
Uhhh...
I never go to movies, for two reasons. For one, there's hardly ever anything out that interests me. For two, I for some reason have a really difficult time allocating, in advance, a two-hour block of time to just sitting around doing essentially nothing. Granted, I never do anything but sit around doing nothing for hours at a time, but when it's not planned in ahead of time (and bought for $8), doing nothing still seems fresh and exciting.
I was really looking forward to Kill Bill Vol. 2, and that turned out to be a pretty big disappointment. Yeah, it was still pretty good, but it just didn't have the intangible "it" of the first installment. I remember seeing Hellboy back in April or whatever, and while entertaining, this movie does not belong on any self-respecting or even self-effacing "best of" list. Oh, and didn't Michael Moore's latest piece of propaganda come out this year? That, too, was entertaining, but seeing as how it reall didn't help and may have actually hurt chances if us ousting Bush, it certainly doesn't win shit.
Before Kill Bill Vol. 1, I'm pretty sure the most recent movie I saw was Star Trek: Nemesis (probably not true), so I'm just going to punt on this category. One finger for all of Hollywood in recognition of the fact that they're not putting out anything that interests me.
Video Game of the Year
Dead or Alive Ultimate
I'm obligated to go with any game that's A) pretty and B) brings me things like Kasumi in bloomers, an XBox girl outfit, and a naughty Santa outfit along with Hitomi in bloomers, a sailor uniform, and her own XBox girl outfit. Ignoring the fact that I hate this fucking game and get utterly sick of it anytime I start playing because I'm no good at it, it wins the crown for this year.
Another game which I get beyond frustrated with but comes in second place is Ninja Gaiden. Not that I want to sound too much like ETP's list, but whatever. At least I really didn't care for Kart (where the fuck are my jump turns?), I have no particular affinity for Megaman even if it's decently fun (but then again, I never worked with a friend to beat Megaman 2 without getting hit once), and Crystal Chronicles had zero appeal to me. But yeah, Ninja Gaiden was good stuff, even if I got completely pissed towards the end of Chapter 5 and not picking the game up again until just a couple of days ago (I made progress, too! And now... Now I'm stuck again and will probably resume playing in May). Some other games that were probably cool but also fell victim to my Videogame ADHD:
Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: I really just did not give this game much of a chance, but it just didn't suck me in like I'd hoped it would. I need to give it another shot.
La Pucelle: Tactics: This one I did enjoy playing, even if it didn't really suck me in like, say, Ocarina of Time, and for months I've been saying that I really want to start playing it again.
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City: I'm pretty sure I got this game this past year. It, too, was a lot of fucking fun, but my attention span blows. How cool of an idea was it to get Ray Liotta to voice the main character? And shit, that's merely the beginning.
Super Mario Sunshine: Yes, this one is also kinda old, but I got it early last year. I really don't have any desire to play it again, either. I'm sorry, but this game is just fucking gay, and not gay in a good way, either. Why can't they just make a regular fucking Mario game that doesn't do something like focus on that stupid water backpack thingy?
Game release I'm most looking forward to
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Say what you want about what's on the racks at stores, this game doesn't come out until I can play it on XBox.
New game system that I have no desire to pick up
Nintendo DS
Alternately referred to as the Nintendo DipShit and the Nintendo DickSuck, I don't care how many people (ETP) say it's a decent system, I don't fucking want one. I just have moral opposition to there being two screens. So what if they can put the map or something useful down there? A second screen is nothing but a gimmick, and I'm sorry, but I'd much rather see the focus be placed on something other than a gimmick. Also, a second screen is just plain excessive, and if there's anything I'm against, it's excess.
Speaking of Excess
Project 3 Series
Project 3 Series morphed into Project 330 and is now Project ZHP. It is driving me absolutely nuts, and I don't want to talk about it until I either just get the stupid BMW or realize there's no way for it to happen. So you're all spared... For now.
Biggest Asshole
Sylvia Saint
Yeah, I blew it by using this joke prematurely several months back, but fuck it. This needs to be on every list until the end of time.
UNFINISHED
Nazi concept most applicable to my life
Lebensraum
As an article in The Onion once declared, "Lebensraum is totally where it's at!" I, of course, find amusement in stuff like this because I find myself getting a joke that I don't think the average American is going to get.
But yeah, that's pretty much what all of this year was for me -- living space. First, I needed a house with enough space for me and my girls. Then, I needed lebensraum in a more abstract manner when trying to find breathing room in my budget to get the BMW and still be able to save money while maintaining a decent standard of living. Further appropriate that I was lusting after a German car.
So I took a term that Hitler used to justify invading neighbors and thus setting the entire world on fire which led to the death of millions, and belittled it all as part of my quest for material goods and money. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm an asshole and a bad person.
Most awful human being
It took some thinking to come up with a winner, but it's pretty sad for the rest of humanity because I knew that I still cannot make the top of this list.
Anime of the Year
???
Who cares, watching anime is for fucking losers
But if I did watch anime...
I still really don't know
I've had to back way the hell off from this habit this past year.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I've already declared that, one of these fucking days, I'm going to get myself a Sunbeam Tiger. Of course, I wanna get a red Get Smart one, but I may have to re-think that after finding this, a 1965 Shelby Sunbeam Tiger. Yeah. I definitely need one of those. It needs some new wheels because I'm not big on heavy chrome wheels, and you know, gray and red don't go all that well together, so the whole thing might need a paint job. And then, fuck yeah.
Okay, so I just found out that I don't know shit about shit. Carroll Shelby fucking led the design of the Sunbeam Tiger, so really, they're all Shelbys. And maybe with the exception of the wheels, this one looks about right.
Speaking of Get Smart, I read this awhile back. I was hesitant to post on it out of fear of jinxing it, so they can delay production any time. At least HBO is in charge, so we know they'll put back in all the swearing and nudity.
Okay, so I just found out that I don't know shit about shit. Carroll Shelby fucking led the design of the Sunbeam Tiger, so really, they're all Shelbys. And maybe with the exception of the wheels, this one looks about right.
Speaking of Get Smart, I read this awhile back. I was hesitant to post on it out of fear of jinxing it, so they can delay production any time. At least HBO is in charge, so we know they'll put back in all the swearing and nudity.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Google search:
schoolgirl forced to eat out of bowl
Damn, now that is fucking kinky.
Then there are people who show up here so fucking clueless, that they really need to be euthanized (like a good deal of the rest of the population). Take these stems, for instance:
how does a guy fuck himself without a partner
when is the right time to fuck your boyfriend
Then there are the ones who are clued in... But probably still too big of a pussy to just drop the program:
international baccalaureate sucks shit
Site traffic took a nosedive today, and I think that's the direction I really need to be headed.
schoolgirl forced to eat out of bowl
Damn, now that is fucking kinky.
Then there are people who show up here so fucking clueless, that they really need to be euthanized (like a good deal of the rest of the population). Take these stems, for instance:
how does a guy fuck himself without a partner
when is the right time to fuck your boyfriend
Then there are the ones who are clued in... But probably still too big of a pussy to just drop the program:
international baccalaureate sucks shit
Site traffic took a nosedive today, and I think that's the direction I really need to be headed.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Okay, so someone e-mailed me this a couple of days ago. Thank fucking Christ it wasn't some god damn Slipknot lyics. Quite the opposite, in fact. I had seen that poster for TWAT quite awhile back at or linked from the now defunct Marcellus Wallace's Bloody Gitch, and I had been wondering where the fuck it came from ever since. Now I know. And as GI Joe taught us, knowing is half the battle. I just wish they'd told me the other half so maybe I could finally get my shit together.
Taking a break from the normal shit they do or don't do that fucks up this country, some in congress are hitting the hard issues and tackling the BCS. The BCS is fucked up and all, but god fucking damn it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
