Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
We need somebody to rape Ann Coulter
That's a joke, for those of you who are fuckheads. But seriously, who, other than a fuckhead, can't get on board with that idea?
God damn it Ann Coulter is a dumb fucking cunt. Okay, so the poison line isn't that bad, it's just lame. But crack cocaine has "has pretty much gone away"? Maybe that was taken out of context, but probably not. And either way, there's a whole lineage of moronic shit that has spewed from this bitch's mouth.
I was just thinking, Ann Coulter is such a retard that I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually planted by liberals just to make conservatives look bad. Since a good deal of conservatives are themselves, in fact, retards, it completely backfired. Which is the outcome one would expect from liberals.
And of course, we don't even need to point out how bloody hideous she looks. Yes, I once said in a post or comment that I would fuck Ann Coulter, but I made it clear that it was only out of spite and absolutely no other desire. I just wanted her, for once, to have a little bit of liberal in her. Of course, I'm a Republican now, but I'm still all for things like baby killing and queer marrying, so I think that oughta count.
God damn it Ann Coulter is a dumb fucking cunt. Okay, so the poison line isn't that bad, it's just lame. But crack cocaine has "has pretty much gone away"? Maybe that was taken out of context, but probably not. And either way, there's a whole lineage of moronic shit that has spewed from this bitch's mouth.
I was just thinking, Ann Coulter is such a retard that I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually planted by liberals just to make conservatives look bad. Since a good deal of conservatives are themselves, in fact, retards, it completely backfired. Which is the outcome one would expect from liberals.
And of course, we don't even need to point out how bloody hideous she looks. Yes, I once said in a post or comment that I would fuck Ann Coulter, but I made it clear that it was only out of spite and absolutely no other desire. I just wanted her, for once, to have a little bit of liberal in her. Of course, I'm a Republican now, but I'm still all for things like baby killing and queer marrying, so I think that oughta count.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Skater fucks
One of the worst songs of all-time is "Scrape" by the band Unsane. The video for this song (and I use that term loosely; it's pretty much in Anal Cunt territory, and for anyone unaware, that's a real band), however, is one of the best of all-time. It's predominately a compilation of videos of skateboarders fucking up and hurting themselves. I only saw it maybe once or twice about ten years ago, but I hunted it down last night, and it is indeed still hilarious.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
define normal pussy
If you have to ask, there's probably something wrong with yours.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Okay, even if you weren't like me and you didn't care too much for Overcompensating, you've still gotta be able to get on board with this one. I'm telling you, that comic is good times.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
The Ultimate Fuck tha Police Machine
Down in Houston, some guy led police on a high-speed chase for a couple of hours earlier today. The chase ended with the perp going the wrong way on an exit ramp in an attempt to continue eluding police, and he crashed into another car. What was the guy driving? A Bimmer, of course -- a brand new E90 330i.
On CNN's front page there's currently a video of the last several minutes of the chase (which might end up in their video list on the front page later on), and that article has a link to a video that has some clips from the chase as well. Now, I'm not condoning what this guy did, but man, it was pretty impressive to watch. The guy spent a lot of time fucking with the other cars, both the cops and other motorists who were trying to help stop him. He'd let someone catch up to him, then he'd just hit the gas and leave them behind. Or he'd let someone get in front of him, only to pull off a precision maneuver to get around them. If you can take out the stupid, it was neat.
He managed to elude the Channel 13 helicopter, which can go 100 miles per hour.
Of course he got away -- the E90 is electronically limited at about 130 MPH. It can easily outrun your pussy chopper.
Officers attempted to use spikes to flatten his tires, but those were ineffectual.
I found this to be particularly hilarious. You know why the spikes didn't work? Because all E90s come equipped with run-flat tires! Apparently, you don't need to limit your speed to 55 MPH when you're running flat on them after all.
From the news reports, it seemed like the people in the car he hit were OK. There was a baby in the car, and this is apparently a huge deal. I'm tired of that shit. They're no more important than other people. I think there was one person in the car who they weren't sure about their condition, but everyone else was fine, including the precious baby. The woman in the passenger seat was definitely fine in terms of physical injuries. Right after the collision she immediately got out of the car, jumped over the hood, and started yelling at the driver. Just not something you see every day.
So yeah, us BMW drivers are a bunch of assholes, but most of us aren't this bad. And again, I'm not condoning this kind of behavior, but I understand. Those cars are neat. Just don't be a dumbfuck and put a bunch of other people at risk when you're driving it, and more importantly, don't bust up your brand-new Bimmer. No, I do not do shit like what this guy did, but yes, I am a bad person.
On CNN's front page there's currently a video of the last several minutes of the chase (which might end up in their video list on the front page later on), and that article has a link to a video that has some clips from the chase as well. Now, I'm not condoning what this guy did, but man, it was pretty impressive to watch. The guy spent a lot of time fucking with the other cars, both the cops and other motorists who were trying to help stop him. He'd let someone catch up to him, then he'd just hit the gas and leave them behind. Or he'd let someone get in front of him, only to pull off a precision maneuver to get around them. If you can take out the stupid, it was neat.
He managed to elude the Channel 13 helicopter, which can go 100 miles per hour.
Of course he got away -- the E90 is electronically limited at about 130 MPH. It can easily outrun your pussy chopper.
Officers attempted to use spikes to flatten his tires, but those were ineffectual.
I found this to be particularly hilarious. You know why the spikes didn't work? Because all E90s come equipped with run-flat tires! Apparently, you don't need to limit your speed to 55 MPH when you're running flat on them after all.
From the news reports, it seemed like the people in the car he hit were OK. There was a baby in the car, and this is apparently a huge deal. I'm tired of that shit. They're no more important than other people. I think there was one person in the car who they weren't sure about their condition, but everyone else was fine, including the precious baby. The woman in the passenger seat was definitely fine in terms of physical injuries. Right after the collision she immediately got out of the car, jumped over the hood, and started yelling at the driver. Just not something you see every day.
So yeah, us BMW drivers are a bunch of assholes, but most of us aren't this bad. And again, I'm not condoning this kind of behavior, but I understand. Those cars are neat. Just don't be a dumbfuck and put a bunch of other people at risk when you're driving it, and more importantly, don't bust up your brand-new Bimmer. No, I do not do shit like what this guy did, but yes, I am a bad person.
Monday, January 16, 2006
As we all know, I have somewhat more than a passing interest in figure skating. And it's not just because I have the hots for some of the skaters, Sasha in particular (we're on a first name basis), but I actually do enjoy watching it for what it is. And of course, when I say figure skating, I mean real figure skating -- not that ice dancing shit, which is just pairs without all of the hard stuff.
The US team going to the Olympics was recently announced, and surprise, surprise, Michelle Kwan will be going to compete, pending approval over her recent injuries. It's as if she gets to go just out of obligation. Pretty much like how I was convinced that under the old judging system, one of the required elements was to be Michelle Kwan, giving her an instant advantage as it was something no other skater could master. Nevermind the fact that she's got some mad skills and all that; she's gotta be older than everyone else on the US skating team by at least 40 years. I'm gonna start calling her Loder.
I know I once said that I'd be OK with Loder finally getting her gold medal, but fuck that. Sasha had better fucking win this time. And she can, too, she just hasn't. I would also be remiss if I didn't post some kind of link to remind you how goddamn hot that girl is, just in case you'd forgotten. Sure, she doesn't have the underage thing going for her anymore, but as I concluded over the weekend, I suppose I'd still hit that. At least at 21 I know she isn't going to be getting any taller, and I guess the fact that she can drink could be useful in some fashion. Because, you know, I'll be in a position someday to take advantage of all that. Yeah, in a position. Don't I wish.
No way dude, fuck that. The next time that Champions on Ice tour comes to the Can in Denver, I'm there, and I am on it. Sure, I fucked up when I've been to that event before, but that's all gonna change. Just like how ETP gave Peyton Manning a pep talk after that preseason game that Indy played against the Broncos so that he would perform well in ETP's fantasy league, I'm gonna give Sasha a pep talk, if you know what I mean.
Oh, and for all you fucking Google searches who have been here on Sasha Cohen-related queries lately, here: her height is 5'1" or 5'2", her weight is in the neighborhood of 94 lbs., and you are not gonna find pictures of her any dirtier than the ones you find on her official site as linked above. So quit fucking asking already. Christ, if only it was that easy to stop the stupid.
Oh, and not that anyone's been Googling for it, but I'll also throw out there that you can see her on Leno's show this Wednesday if you are so inclined.
So yeah, I'm actually looking forward to the Winter Olympics, as opposed to the Summer Olympics which for all I care don't exist anymore. There are actually two things I care about in the Winter Games: figure skating, of course, and curling. Since we failed to get our shit together and form our own curling team (or even to buy a shuffleboard table), I guess we'll just have to be relegated to watching it from afar once again.
The US team going to the Olympics was recently announced, and surprise, surprise, Michelle Kwan will be going to compete, pending approval over her recent injuries. It's as if she gets to go just out of obligation. Pretty much like how I was convinced that under the old judging system, one of the required elements was to be Michelle Kwan, giving her an instant advantage as it was something no other skater could master. Nevermind the fact that she's got some mad skills and all that; she's gotta be older than everyone else on the US skating team by at least 40 years. I'm gonna start calling her Loder.
I know I once said that I'd be OK with Loder finally getting her gold medal, but fuck that. Sasha had better fucking win this time. And she can, too, she just hasn't. I would also be remiss if I didn't post some kind of link to remind you how goddamn hot that girl is, just in case you'd forgotten. Sure, she doesn't have the underage thing going for her anymore, but as I concluded over the weekend, I suppose I'd still hit that. At least at 21 I know she isn't going to be getting any taller, and I guess the fact that she can drink could be useful in some fashion. Because, you know, I'll be in a position someday to take advantage of all that. Yeah, in a position. Don't I wish.
No way dude, fuck that. The next time that Champions on Ice tour comes to the Can in Denver, I'm there, and I am on it. Sure, I fucked up when I've been to that event before, but that's all gonna change. Just like how ETP gave Peyton Manning a pep talk after that preseason game that Indy played against the Broncos so that he would perform well in ETP's fantasy league, I'm gonna give Sasha a pep talk, if you know what I mean.
Oh, and for all you fucking Google searches who have been here on Sasha Cohen-related queries lately, here: her height is 5'1" or 5'2", her weight is in the neighborhood of 94 lbs., and you are not gonna find pictures of her any dirtier than the ones you find on her official site as linked above. So quit fucking asking already. Christ, if only it was that easy to stop the stupid.
Oh, and not that anyone's been Googling for it, but I'll also throw out there that you can see her on Leno's show this Wednesday if you are so inclined.
So yeah, I'm actually looking forward to the Winter Olympics, as opposed to the Summer Olympics which for all I care don't exist anymore. There are actually two things I care about in the Winter Games: figure skating, of course, and curling. Since we failed to get our shit together and form our own curling team (or even to buy a shuffleboard table), I guess we'll just have to be relegated to watching it from afar once again.
I'm pretty convinced at this point that Iran isn't a threat to anyone. I really think that Iran in general, and Ahmadinejad in particular, just like pushing the West's buttons. I mean, c'mon. Iran. Calling a conference on the Holocaust. Man, speaking of credibility. Even hard-line Islamists have gotta be sitting there saying "Dude... That's funny." Okay, maybe I'm wrong and all, but I really think that Iran is just in it for the antagonism.
In a related story, I'm planning on conference on the myth that internet chatrooms are nothing but a bunch of sick, filthy perverts.
In a related story, I'm planning on conference on the myth that internet chatrooms are nothing but a bunch of sick, filthy perverts.
People like it when you're topical
Get back to us when you're relevant, Al. It's not that what you're saying is totally off-base, it's just that it has about as much credibility as if it was Michael Moore bitching about it. And for fuck's sake, Albert, don't ever suck face with your wife in front of anyone ever again.
"Where did he get her, at a Halloween party? Lemme ask you something: does he actually have to fuck that woman? God help him; I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick."
- Carlin Marilyn Quayle
"Where did he get her, at a Halloween party? Lemme ask you something: does he actually have to fuck that woman? God help him; I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick."
- Carlin Marilyn Quayle
I like to do things that are fun.
Via Diesel Sweeties, I discovered a new comic that I find quite amusing: Overcompensating. A sampling of some of my favorites from the archived comics I've read so far:
Ghosts Can't Use Cell Phones Very Well (it's been a long time since I've laughed as hard as I did at this one)
Here Comes Weedmaster P (you've gotta read his comments, because that's often one of the best parts of his posts)
Tiberius William Seward Burroughs Rowland
Jerk-Proof
Mashed Potato Melancholy (the guy digs Ghostbusters)
Purpose
Party Til You Start Freaking Out
Go For It, Superman!
Ghosts Can't Use Cell Phones Very Well (it's been a long time since I've laughed as hard as I did at this one)
Here Comes Weedmaster P (you've gotta read his comments, because that's often one of the best parts of his posts)
Tiberius William Seward Burroughs Rowland
Jerk-Proof
Mashed Potato Melancholy (the guy digs Ghostbusters)
Purpose
Party Til You Start Freaking Out
Go For It, Superman!
Saturday, January 14, 2006
It sucks to not be as good as John Elway
Google search:
is terry bradshaw gay
No, Terry Bradshaw is retarded. Not much offends me, but this notion is wholly bothersome. Terry Bradshaw is nowhere near cool enough to be gay.
is terry bradshaw gay
No, Terry Bradshaw is retarded. Not much offends me, but this notion is wholly bothersome. Terry Bradshaw is nowhere near cool enough to be gay.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
They really should have gone with "New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That?", because while immature, it's much better than "Come See For Yourself." Come see what? Why everyone there or from there (except Laura Prepon) hates themselves and their lives?
"I don't mind paying tolls but every 27 feet? Bullshit!"
- Carlin
"The Garden state? Yeah, sure. If you're growing smokestacks yes."
- Carlin
"Kiss her where it smells, take her to New Jersey!"
- Carlin, taken from a T-shirt sold in Jersey
"I don't mind paying tolls but every 27 feet? Bullshit!"
- Carlin
"The Garden state? Yeah, sure. If you're growing smokestacks yes."
- Carlin
"Kiss her where it smells, take her to New Jersey!"
- Carlin, taken from a T-shirt sold in Jersey
Least favorite things of 2005
This is my replacement for a "best of" for 2005. Maybe I'll do a "best of" at some point since I know it'll be anxiously awaited. And of course, this is not so much of a list of things from 2005 as a list of things I hate in general.
Penny Arcade doing continuity
These guys are funny when they do stand-alone strips. But if there's ever any sort of continuity between successive strips, it's weaker than Bud Light. Take for instance the Christmas stories from this year and last year -- pure shit. More importantly, not funny. And Cardboard tube Samurai is the lamest, most unfunny thing ever. Fuck every single one of you fanboys who has encouraged that shit.
Antiwang was updated daily
I really like this simple comic, when the asshole is posting strips. I just wish he'd quit being such a fucking cocktease, going balls-out and updating daily for awhile, only to disappear and then make a comeback way later. And then do it again.
Ghastly
I don't know why webcomics are so prominent in this list, but man, what a fucking has-been (and still could-be, if he'd just focus on writing dirty jokes as opposed to some kind of growth as an artist bullshit).
Thursdays
Thursday is probably my least favorite day of the week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I have Penny Arcade and Megatokyo to look forward to, assuming PA isn't doing some of the aforementioned lame-ass continuity shit, and Fred Gallagher isn't making some excuse for not posting a comic and/or putting out something that makes me say "What the fuck is going on here?" Then on Tuesdays, I have a new issue of The Onion to check out. Wednesday brings a new Jay Mohr column.
Okay, I guess there is one thing on Thursday, since Diesel Sweeties comes out Sunday-Thursday. But that strip always goes up at night, and that's when I always read it. If it doesn't give me an excuse to kill some time at work, it doesn't count. Thursday blows ass.
Firefox
For I don't know how many years in a row now, I've had at least one period where I tried to like Firefox over Mozilla. The browser you can trust? Yeah, the browser I can trust to reaffirm my faith that this world fucking sucks. I'm using it at work but not at home in an attempt to try and force myself to get used to it since I'm worried that regular Mozilla will be totally dropped at one point, but it still eats balls.
Sucks ass, eats balls, etc.
Speaking of growth as an artist, I have done precisely none of that since this site started nearly three years ago. Please tell me I have not been wasting three years churning out this shit. Fuck.
Bush, Christians, Democrats, everyone
All pretty much a given at this point.
People who send me Slipknot lyrics
You know who you are.
The Pope
Happy to see one old, ignorant, barely-living motherfucker die, only to have him replaced by another old, ignorant, but slightly more living motherfucker. But at least Ratzinger knows what to drive.
Clear heels
Stripper's uniform or not, these things are just fucking lame. Why is it that seemingly every skank who takes her clothes off has to put these on at one point? Why can't this place be like Japan where every cute girl has to put on a schoolgirl outfit at least once for dirty men to take pictures of and beat off to? Tell me that's not better than a bunch of fucking clear heels.
Excessively big heels
Why? Heels are fine. But there is no need for you girls to be pretending to be much taller than you really are with big heels and massive platforms down there. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a leg man, I'd even advocate taking tall girls and cutting their leg bones down or taking a chunk out of their torso to make them shorter.
Holy shit, that's fucked up
You really oughta stop coming here and encouraging this kind of behavior.
Enablers
I'm just putting this in here because it sounds like the right thing to say. Actually, I hate when people enable other stupid people to do dumb shit. I'm all for people enabling me to do my stupid shit.
This is getting away from me
Okay, it's not funny.
Other drivers
It seems that no matter where I go, the only purpose of others is to kill my buzz. This is especially true on the roads. Hey, assholes: you know why us BMW drivers drive the way we do? Because we can. Now get the fuck out of the way.
Uppity people
I know far too well that this includes me. I'm trying to curb it. Sorta. There was one day I was driving down I-25, and a yellow Ferrari F430 was in the center lane. He was not going particularly fast, and while not going too slow, he was being passed by a decent number of cars. He didn't need to speed or be aggressive, because he knew he had the fastest, most expensive car for miles, and he didn't have shit to prove. That's a real bad-ass right there. I need to get into that state of mind, and I clearly have a long way to go.
Rap, hip hop, whatever the fuck it is
These words from Chris Rock really are apt: there are a couple people that can float, but for the most part the genre sucks. There are plenty of tracks out there that I really like, like Kanye West's "Gold Digger," but whenever I listen to a full album the vast majority of it is almost always boring. Nothing against Kanye, though, because that guy will forever be my hero just for saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on a nationally televised event. Sure, everyone knows this fact, but he's one of the only ones who had the balls to stand up and say it when someone might be listening.
Tits
Hey, I like tits as much as the next guy, except apparently I don't. I know it's not gonna happen, but I wish guys would get over this nonsense, at least when it comes to them being big. Thanks to you idiots, we have to deal with a bunch of bad boob jobs. I think my preference for smaller is partly just out of spite, but there are honestly times where they're not even that big and I'm like "those are too big" and I'm totally serious.
I can at least take some comfort knowing that guys receive some small payback when they worry about how little their dicks are. Except for the guys who are big or at least adequate, and fuck them anyway.
White people
My hatred for white people, especially heterosexual and/or Christian ones, is well documented. You're white, and you're lame.
People who come here via Google
Virtually everyone who gets here via Google is an idiot. Typically, a pretty sick idiot. I have seriously thought about trying to de-list my site from search engines because of how tired I am of these people. The main thing stopping me is the fact that, in the end, the hits drive my traffic numbers up, and no matter how artificial the numbers are that's satisfying to me. Also, just like Japan, some of the hits show me that there are people sicker than me out there, or at least that I'm not alone.
The Guestbook
Great, just what I wanted: a bunch of racist, ignorant shit. The only things keeping me from 86'ing the guestbook are A) vanity and B) the fact that once in a great while, someone who's not a complete retard makes an entry. Including a decent number of chicks, who apparently dig this site. Is that cabbage?
The American people
How much shit does Team Bush have to do before people say "Okay, I've had it." Bullshit wars, blatant favoritism to the rich, shitting on the constitution, blah blah blah, no problem. But four or five years of it? Maybe we'll start letting those approval ratings drop a bit. Fucking morons.
Sports
No, not the Huey Lewis and the News album, which is so fucking sweet that talking about it now would ruin the mood of this post. I am trying so hard not to care about sports, but I suppose I'm going to break down and show some interest since the Broncos are in the playoffs. Until they inevitably tank it. A Bears-Broncos Super Bowl would be one of the best things ever, and that's preceisely why it won't happen.
TV
I downgraded to the bare-bones cable package in an effort to cut back on spending, and I've never been unhappy with that. There are a few things I'd like to be able to watch regularly, but if I really care, I can just have ETP Tivo it. Otherwise, I get to miss out on all the great shit that they're puking all over the airwaves. Take for instance two of the new shows that started this past season. I was looking forward to Everybody Hates Chris, but it turned out "meh." Then there's My name is Earl, which, in advance, ETP heralded as "great" and I declared "shit." Of course, the answer was closer to, famous potatoes. But this show is the perfect example of everything that's wrong in TV. The first episode starts out with you finding out that Jason Lee's character is a petty thief. And I was thinking "Heyyy, this is kinda different and interesting... A show about a small-time crook." But then what happens? We find out the show's true intention, which is to have Jason Lee run around every week trying to make amends for past fuck-ups. Uggggggh. What a bunch of lame-ass PC bullshit. He has to be nice, everyone! That doesn't make for good TV. It makes for mediocre TV at best. And it's typically American, too. Why is he trying to make amends for prior misdeeds? Karma! He doesn't think things can get better for him unless if he makes token efforts for being a prick. In the end, the character's motivation is purely selfish, and that's just perfect. There is no such thing as altruism.
Peter Jackson
That last paragraph may have been way too fucking long and unnecessary, but it still wasn't as much so as one of this cocksucker's movies.
Restoration Hardware, AKA Restoration 'Spensive
I could not hate these motherfuckers more. They have this bedroom set that I am just in love with. Typically, as a product line gets older, the price of it goes down, right? Not with these bastards. I noticed at one point this year that the bedroom furniture I wanted had actually gone up in price. I will get my cedar lined drawers one day, god damn it.
Pharmaceuticals
Oh man, medication is great. I just love the slew of side effects that might come along with anything you take. My favorites are the ones that have a warning that they might cause "suicidal thoughts." Right now, I'm taking both an antidepressant and a sleeping medication that both claim to this as a possible side effect. We've heard about antidepressants having this potential side-effect before, and that's just stupid. They're supposed to help you keep from being depressed, but they might lead you to kill yourself. That's fantastic. And the sleeping pills? They're supposed to help people take a nap, not a dirt nap.
I know what you're thinking. "Wow, you're on an antidepressant? It's not working." Fuck you. I'm not depressed, I'm pissed off. It's not an antipissedoff pill. The reason I got on it is for anxiety and other, uh, problems. And the sleeping pills, which were intended to help me get back on a normal sleep schedule, are now just being used as a fall-back for when I inevitably get up late in the afternoon on a Sunday and need to be able to go back to sleep six hours later to not get up early in the morning.
You might also think it's kinda funny that I'm on an SSRI, which may cause suicidal thoughts, and sleeping medication, which is commonly used to kill one's self. I found that kinda funny, too. And have I had suicidal thoughts? Nah, nothing more serious than knowing it's an option, but so is chopping my dick off and shoving red-hot pokers up my ass. Might be necessary in an extreme situation, but it probably won't come to that. Actually, what I do several times a week is ask myself: "So, dude, do you wanna kill yourself?" And then I just laugh. I'm sick, but clearly not depressed. I am entertained.
Blog posts about personal shit that no one cares about
Seriously, who cares?
People who have everything yet still complain about everything
Oh boo hoo, you're so bloody underprivileged, you fucking piece of shit.
Okay, I could probably come up with more (well, I know I could come up with more, but we just don't have the time), but I'm tired and this isn't funny. There's a shocker.
Penny Arcade doing continuity
These guys are funny when they do stand-alone strips. But if there's ever any sort of continuity between successive strips, it's weaker than Bud Light. Take for instance the Christmas stories from this year and last year -- pure shit. More importantly, not funny. And Cardboard tube Samurai is the lamest, most unfunny thing ever. Fuck every single one of you fanboys who has encouraged that shit.
Antiwang was updated daily
I really like this simple comic, when the asshole is posting strips. I just wish he'd quit being such a fucking cocktease, going balls-out and updating daily for awhile, only to disappear and then make a comeback way later. And then do it again.
Ghastly
I don't know why webcomics are so prominent in this list, but man, what a fucking has-been (and still could-be, if he'd just focus on writing dirty jokes as opposed to some kind of growth as an artist bullshit).
Thursdays
Thursday is probably my least favorite day of the week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I have Penny Arcade and Megatokyo to look forward to, assuming PA isn't doing some of the aforementioned lame-ass continuity shit, and Fred Gallagher isn't making some excuse for not posting a comic and/or putting out something that makes me say "What the fuck is going on here?" Then on Tuesdays, I have a new issue of The Onion to check out. Wednesday brings a new Jay Mohr column.
Okay, I guess there is one thing on Thursday, since Diesel Sweeties comes out Sunday-Thursday. But that strip always goes up at night, and that's when I always read it. If it doesn't give me an excuse to kill some time at work, it doesn't count. Thursday blows ass.
Firefox
For I don't know how many years in a row now, I've had at least one period where I tried to like Firefox over Mozilla. The browser you can trust? Yeah, the browser I can trust to reaffirm my faith that this world fucking sucks. I'm using it at work but not at home in an attempt to try and force myself to get used to it since I'm worried that regular Mozilla will be totally dropped at one point, but it still eats balls.
Sucks ass, eats balls, etc.
Speaking of growth as an artist, I have done precisely none of that since this site started nearly three years ago. Please tell me I have not been wasting three years churning out this shit. Fuck.
Bush, Christians, Democrats, everyone
All pretty much a given at this point.
People who send me Slipknot lyrics
You know who you are.
The Pope
Happy to see one old, ignorant, barely-living motherfucker die, only to have him replaced by another old, ignorant, but slightly more living motherfucker. But at least Ratzinger knows what to drive.
Clear heels
Stripper's uniform or not, these things are just fucking lame. Why is it that seemingly every skank who takes her clothes off has to put these on at one point? Why can't this place be like Japan where every cute girl has to put on a schoolgirl outfit at least once for dirty men to take pictures of and beat off to? Tell me that's not better than a bunch of fucking clear heels.
Excessively big heels
Why? Heels are fine. But there is no need for you girls to be pretending to be much taller than you really are with big heels and massive platforms down there. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a leg man, I'd even advocate taking tall girls and cutting their leg bones down or taking a chunk out of their torso to make them shorter.
Holy shit, that's fucked up
You really oughta stop coming here and encouraging this kind of behavior.
Enablers
I'm just putting this in here because it sounds like the right thing to say. Actually, I hate when people enable other stupid people to do dumb shit. I'm all for people enabling me to do my stupid shit.
This is getting away from me
Okay, it's not funny.
Other drivers
It seems that no matter where I go, the only purpose of others is to kill my buzz. This is especially true on the roads. Hey, assholes: you know why us BMW drivers drive the way we do? Because we can. Now get the fuck out of the way.
Uppity people
I know far too well that this includes me. I'm trying to curb it. Sorta. There was one day I was driving down I-25, and a yellow Ferrari F430 was in the center lane. He was not going particularly fast, and while not going too slow, he was being passed by a decent number of cars. He didn't need to speed or be aggressive, because he knew he had the fastest, most expensive car for miles, and he didn't have shit to prove. That's a real bad-ass right there. I need to get into that state of mind, and I clearly have a long way to go.
Rap, hip hop, whatever the fuck it is
These words from Chris Rock really are apt: there are a couple people that can float, but for the most part the genre sucks. There are plenty of tracks out there that I really like, like Kanye West's "Gold Digger," but whenever I listen to a full album the vast majority of it is almost always boring. Nothing against Kanye, though, because that guy will forever be my hero just for saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on a nationally televised event. Sure, everyone knows this fact, but he's one of the only ones who had the balls to stand up and say it when someone might be listening.
Tits
Hey, I like tits as much as the next guy, except apparently I don't. I know it's not gonna happen, but I wish guys would get over this nonsense, at least when it comes to them being big. Thanks to you idiots, we have to deal with a bunch of bad boob jobs. I think my preference for smaller is partly just out of spite, but there are honestly times where they're not even that big and I'm like "those are too big" and I'm totally serious.
I can at least take some comfort knowing that guys receive some small payback when they worry about how little their dicks are. Except for the guys who are big or at least adequate, and fuck them anyway.
White people
My hatred for white people, especially heterosexual and/or Christian ones, is well documented. You're white, and you're lame.
People who come here via Google
Virtually everyone who gets here via Google is an idiot. Typically, a pretty sick idiot. I have seriously thought about trying to de-list my site from search engines because of how tired I am of these people. The main thing stopping me is the fact that, in the end, the hits drive my traffic numbers up, and no matter how artificial the numbers are that's satisfying to me. Also, just like Japan, some of the hits show me that there are people sicker than me out there, or at least that I'm not alone.
The Guestbook
Great, just what I wanted: a bunch of racist, ignorant shit. The only things keeping me from 86'ing the guestbook are A) vanity and B) the fact that once in a great while, someone who's not a complete retard makes an entry. Including a decent number of chicks, who apparently dig this site. Is that cabbage?
The American people
How much shit does Team Bush have to do before people say "Okay, I've had it." Bullshit wars, blatant favoritism to the rich, shitting on the constitution, blah blah blah, no problem. But four or five years of it? Maybe we'll start letting those approval ratings drop a bit. Fucking morons.
Sports
No, not the Huey Lewis and the News album, which is so fucking sweet that talking about it now would ruin the mood of this post. I am trying so hard not to care about sports, but I suppose I'm going to break down and show some interest since the Broncos are in the playoffs. Until they inevitably tank it. A Bears-Broncos Super Bowl would be one of the best things ever, and that's preceisely why it won't happen.
TV
I downgraded to the bare-bones cable package in an effort to cut back on spending, and I've never been unhappy with that. There are a few things I'd like to be able to watch regularly, but if I really care, I can just have ETP Tivo it. Otherwise, I get to miss out on all the great shit that they're puking all over the airwaves. Take for instance two of the new shows that started this past season. I was looking forward to Everybody Hates Chris, but it turned out "meh." Then there's My name is Earl, which, in advance, ETP heralded as "great" and I declared "shit." Of course, the answer was closer to, famous potatoes. But this show is the perfect example of everything that's wrong in TV. The first episode starts out with you finding out that Jason Lee's character is a petty thief. And I was thinking "Heyyy, this is kinda different and interesting... A show about a small-time crook." But then what happens? We find out the show's true intention, which is to have Jason Lee run around every week trying to make amends for past fuck-ups. Uggggggh. What a bunch of lame-ass PC bullshit. He has to be nice, everyone! That doesn't make for good TV. It makes for mediocre TV at best. And it's typically American, too. Why is he trying to make amends for prior misdeeds? Karma! He doesn't think things can get better for him unless if he makes token efforts for being a prick. In the end, the character's motivation is purely selfish, and that's just perfect. There is no such thing as altruism.
Peter Jackson
That last paragraph may have been way too fucking long and unnecessary, but it still wasn't as much so as one of this cocksucker's movies.
Restoration Hardware, AKA Restoration 'Spensive
I could not hate these motherfuckers more. They have this bedroom set that I am just in love with. Typically, as a product line gets older, the price of it goes down, right? Not with these bastards. I noticed at one point this year that the bedroom furniture I wanted had actually gone up in price. I will get my cedar lined drawers one day, god damn it.
Pharmaceuticals
Oh man, medication is great. I just love the slew of side effects that might come along with anything you take. My favorites are the ones that have a warning that they might cause "suicidal thoughts." Right now, I'm taking both an antidepressant and a sleeping medication that both claim to this as a possible side effect. We've heard about antidepressants having this potential side-effect before, and that's just stupid. They're supposed to help you keep from being depressed, but they might lead you to kill yourself. That's fantastic. And the sleeping pills? They're supposed to help people take a nap, not a dirt nap.
I know what you're thinking. "Wow, you're on an antidepressant? It's not working." Fuck you. I'm not depressed, I'm pissed off. It's not an antipissedoff pill. The reason I got on it is for anxiety and other, uh, problems. And the sleeping pills, which were intended to help me get back on a normal sleep schedule, are now just being used as a fall-back for when I inevitably get up late in the afternoon on a Sunday and need to be able to go back to sleep six hours later to not get up early in the morning.
You might also think it's kinda funny that I'm on an SSRI, which may cause suicidal thoughts, and sleeping medication, which is commonly used to kill one's self. I found that kinda funny, too. And have I had suicidal thoughts? Nah, nothing more serious than knowing it's an option, but so is chopping my dick off and shoving red-hot pokers up my ass. Might be necessary in an extreme situation, but it probably won't come to that. Actually, what I do several times a week is ask myself: "So, dude, do you wanna kill yourself?" And then I just laugh. I'm sick, but clearly not depressed. I am entertained.
Blog posts about personal shit that no one cares about
Seriously, who cares?
People who have everything yet still complain about everything
Oh boo hoo, you're so bloody underprivileged, you fucking piece of shit.
Okay, I could probably come up with more (well, I know I could come up with more, but we just don't have the time), but I'm tired and this isn't funny. There's a shocker.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
For some reason, the word "choad" was the funniest thing in the world to me yesterday. Over the years of using this word, we were never fully sure as to what a "choad" really was. Anywhere we looked, we got a different answer. As it turns out, the answer is "D: All of the above."
It also did not occur to me until yesterday, or maybe it had before and I had forgotten about it, but the name "Chad" is just a vowel away from "choad," and that could not be more appropriate.
It also did not occur to me until yesterday, or maybe it had before and I had forgotten about it, but the name "Chad" is just a vowel away from "choad," and that could not be more appropriate.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Google search:
eminem sexing a donkey
I'll betcha that this will have all those dumb fucks screaming "Oscar! Oscar!" again. But seriously, I think we'd all like to see this. Then again, if 8 Mile is any indication, even Eminem could make Eminem fucking, errrr, sexing a donkey boring. Except for when he gets into a rap battle with the donkey.
eminem sexing a donkey
I'll betcha that this will have all those dumb fucks screaming "Oscar! Oscar!" again. But seriously, I think we'd all like to see this. Then again, if 8 Mile is any indication, even Eminem could make Eminem fucking, errrr, sexing a donkey boring. Except for when he gets into a rap battle with the donkey.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Aw hell no... I did not leave the South Side for this.
Honey, you're making all of us sick. How can a person not get ill knowing how hot Lindsay Lohan used to be, and how hot she isn't now? Quit dying your hair stupid colors, quit throwing up, quit making your skin orange, quit wrecking your Mercedes, quit driving a Mercedes while you're at it, and quit thinking you need a singing career to be like Hillary Düff who really needs to be hotter. You really need to be hotter, too, but the annoying thing is that you started out hot. Lindsay, go watch Mean Girls, and then go back to being that hottie.
Speaking of Mean Girls, if you haven't seen that movie, you too need to see it. That movie is pretty fucking great, and Tim Meadows is beyond bad-ass in it. You may think that this paragraph is all sarcasm, but seriously dude, it isn't.
Speaking of Mean Girls, if you haven't seen that movie, you too need to see it. That movie is pretty fucking great, and Tim Meadows is beyond bad-ass in it. You may think that this paragraph is all sarcasm, but seriously dude, it isn't.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Okay, to start the new year off on a lame foot, I just got a bunch of search hits that pissed me off.
little april fuck
If you want to see Little April fucking, why don't you just go to her goddamn website? Relax -- every indication I have is that she's legal, even if she doesn't look it. If you're like me, that's neat. A girl in braces is hot. Except this one fucking cunt we knew who ruined an ex-friend of ours. But that's a story I've been meaning to get to for almost three years.
I've been known to fuck up everything.
Join the club.
sasha cohen masturbate
Don't I wish. Do you really think you'll find this out there, moron?
trent reznor's kids
He had better not.
5'7" 125 lbs porn
I'm sick and fucking tired of the specificity if search hits. I can understand wanting some kind of range when it comes to age, height, weight (no fat chicks), whatever, but you have to have these exact specs? You're an asshole.
fuck you fuck everything you stand for
Ha ha ha, fuck you, you stupid Slipknot loving retard. I only hope that every time some imbecile comes to this site due to that query (or a similar one), I hope that they read the whole post where I ridicule Slipknot and their fans.
little april fuck
If you want to see Little April fucking, why don't you just go to her goddamn website? Relax -- every indication I have is that she's legal, even if she doesn't look it. If you're like me, that's neat. A girl in braces is hot. Except this one fucking cunt we knew who ruined an ex-friend of ours. But that's a story I've been meaning to get to for almost three years.
I've been known to fuck up everything.
Join the club.
sasha cohen masturbate
Don't I wish. Do you really think you'll find this out there, moron?
trent reznor's kids
He had better not.
5'7" 125 lbs porn
I'm sick and fucking tired of the specificity if search hits. I can understand wanting some kind of range when it comes to age, height, weight (no fat chicks), whatever, but you have to have these exact specs? You're an asshole.
fuck you fuck everything you stand for
Ha ha ha, fuck you, you stupid Slipknot loving retard. I only hope that every time some imbecile comes to this site due to that query (or a similar one), I hope that they read the whole post where I ridicule Slipknot and their fans.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Ahhhh hell, Chewbacca... Go fix the damn Hyper Drive or uggggh, Jesus.
That doesn't really work in print, but oh well.
Google search:
was silvia saint in cast of king kong
Not according to IMDB, she wasn't. But if she had been, then those jokes about gettin' it on with the gorilla wouldn't have been jokes. And really, that would have made it such a better movie. Well, different.
At least you could leave once that happened, no matter how much film was left, because at that point you will have seen everything that life has to offer. "Okay, I've seen a famous porn actress take it up the ass from a giant gorilla in a major Hollywood motion picture. I'm out."
And, oh yes, it'd be backdoor action for Miss Sylvia. She's the only one out there who could -- and would -- comfortably go back door with Kong.
Google search:
was silvia saint in cast of king kong
Not according to IMDB, she wasn't. But if she had been, then those jokes about gettin' it on with the gorilla wouldn't have been jokes. And really, that would have made it such a better movie. Well, different.
At least you could leave once that happened, no matter how much film was left, because at that point you will have seen everything that life has to offer. "Okay, I've seen a famous porn actress take it up the ass from a giant gorilla in a major Hollywood motion picture. I'm out."
And, oh yes, it'd be backdoor action for Miss Sylvia. She's the only one out there who could -- and would -- comfortably go back door with Kong.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Get Your Enr On
Yes, that title was blatantly ripped from GYWO, but it's really the best title for this post.
I know now why the Enron guys, and all those others who were accused of doing ill shit and destroying records of it, did what they did. No, it wasn't for the money, stupid. You think you understand these guys, but you don't. I do.
What happened was someone in the office got a paper shredder. Prior to this acquisition, they were living in the stone age of hand-shredding or burning shit that needed to be discarded. But no more, because now they had technology. Once they got their hands on it and tried it out, they were like "Holy shit! That's bad ass!" Then they showed a co-worker, and they had much the same response. Things escalated until everyone in the office was trying it out, totally in awe of this wondrous machine. In the beginning, they were just shredding random shit that wasn't important. But like anything, that shit can get out of hand. And it did, because before they knew it, they had shredded important company documents.
What were they to do? It wasn't done on purpose. I mean, why would they do that on purpose? Every big company, and lo, many little companies, are constantly doing illegal, unethical shit. Everyone knows this, so it's not like there's any reason to cover it up. And what are they gonna do? Admit that they accidentally destroyed important documents? Their other big company friends would be laughing at them!
I've been meaning to get myself a shredder for the longest time. No, I don't have a bunch of nefarious shit that I need to cover up. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm paranoid, so paranoid that I don't even like throwing out shit like junk mail because it has my name or some other info that They are after. So I've got always got piles of this shit just laying around, and I'm too lazy to destroy it by hand.
Of course, I still haven't gotten myself a shredder, but thank Christ for Plan B: let someone else do it. When all else fails, pass the buck. I got one as an XMas gift, and damn if it isn't the coolest thing ever. It's a decently nice one that shreds confetti-style, and has all sorts of hardcore gangsta features. It can shred credit cards with ease. If you left staples or paperclips in what you're shredding, no problem. It'll handle it and amuse you greatly at the same time, because you are a simpleton.
Within about a half an hour of breaking this bad boy out of it's box, I had the bin full. It's a pretty big bin, and I was opening it from time to time and packing the shreddings down. If you're going balls out with your shredding, as I was, the thing starts to get kinda warm. When that happens a little light comes on to tell you so, and it won't let you shred any more until it cools down. That's pretty much the only reason I'm posting right now instead of shredding. In fact, I'm gonna go see if it's cooled off so that I can shred some more shit.
I know now why the Enron guys, and all those others who were accused of doing ill shit and destroying records of it, did what they did. No, it wasn't for the money, stupid. You think you understand these guys, but you don't. I do.
What happened was someone in the office got a paper shredder. Prior to this acquisition, they were living in the stone age of hand-shredding or burning shit that needed to be discarded. But no more, because now they had technology. Once they got their hands on it and tried it out, they were like "Holy shit! That's bad ass!" Then they showed a co-worker, and they had much the same response. Things escalated until everyone in the office was trying it out, totally in awe of this wondrous machine. In the beginning, they were just shredding random shit that wasn't important. But like anything, that shit can get out of hand. And it did, because before they knew it, they had shredded important company documents.
What were they to do? It wasn't done on purpose. I mean, why would they do that on purpose? Every big company, and lo, many little companies, are constantly doing illegal, unethical shit. Everyone knows this, so it's not like there's any reason to cover it up. And what are they gonna do? Admit that they accidentally destroyed important documents? Their other big company friends would be laughing at them!
I've been meaning to get myself a shredder for the longest time. No, I don't have a bunch of nefarious shit that I need to cover up. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm paranoid, so paranoid that I don't even like throwing out shit like junk mail because it has my name or some other info that They are after. So I've got always got piles of this shit just laying around, and I'm too lazy to destroy it by hand.
Of course, I still haven't gotten myself a shredder, but thank Christ for Plan B: let someone else do it. When all else fails, pass the buck. I got one as an XMas gift, and damn if it isn't the coolest thing ever. It's a decently nice one that shreds confetti-style, and has all sorts of hardcore gangsta features. It can shred credit cards with ease. If you left staples or paperclips in what you're shredding, no problem. It'll handle it and amuse you greatly at the same time, because you are a simpleton.
Within about a half an hour of breaking this bad boy out of it's box, I had the bin full. It's a pretty big bin, and I was opening it from time to time and packing the shreddings down. If you're going balls out with your shredding, as I was, the thing starts to get kinda warm. When that happens a little light comes on to tell you so, and it won't let you shred any more until it cools down. That's pretty much the only reason I'm posting right now instead of shredding. In fact, I'm gonna go see if it's cooled off so that I can shred some more shit.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Back when I was in high school, I had some problems. I mean, some other problems besides the ones I have today. I was very, very obsessive about grades. For my first two years, I had a 4.0, and I was a fucking nutcase about keeping that up. There was one time that my English teacher gave me, I believe, a B+ on a paper. Not for the semester, just one paper. And I was not happy. I spent all of 7th hour one day bugging the living shit out of him to give me at least the A-. He didn't raise my grade, and probably rightfully so. He probably also should have given me a beatdown, but he didn't. ETP and I used to shoot staples at him during class. I know it's not apparent from this post, but that teacher is one of the fucking coolest guys ever.
Anyway, despite how fucked up I was, I was never this fucked up. I mean, okay, I'd bitch and moan, but fucking stab someone? Dude.
"There's two sides to every story."
Umm, well, yeah. But the fact is, one person came out of this with a stab wound to the neck. It didn't get there on accident.
"She went the extra nine yards when it came to her students."
What the fuck does that even mean? Nine yards won't even get you a first. Unless if it's nine yards beyond the marker, but that's not even a very big deal unless it gets you a touchdown or at least bumps you into field goal range.
Anyway, despite how fucked up I was, I was never this fucked up. I mean, okay, I'd bitch and moan, but fucking stab someone? Dude.
"There's two sides to every story."
Umm, well, yeah. But the fact is, one person came out of this with a stab wound to the neck. It didn't get there on accident.
"She went the extra nine yards when it came to her students."
What the fuck does that even mean? Nine yards won't even get you a first. Unless if it's nine yards beyond the marker, but that's not even a very big deal unless it gets you a touchdown or at least bumps you into field goal range.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Yahoo search:
how to fuck girl butt and ass same time
I have gotten some really stupid fuckheads coming here via search engines. You don't even know the scope of it unless you track my site hits as much as I do, which hopefully you don't because it's sad enough for me but what does that say about you. Anyway, if you don't know that "butt" and "ass" refer to the same thing, then you are right up there in terms of need for committing suicide.
how to fuck girl butt and ass same time
I have gotten some really stupid fuckheads coming here via search engines. You don't even know the scope of it unless you track my site hits as much as I do, which hopefully you don't because it's sad enough for me but what does that say about you. Anyway, if you don't know that "butt" and "ass" refer to the same thing, then you are right up there in terms of need for committing suicide.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
