I really hate boxing. Yeah, that's right, I don't "get" the sweet science. That's because the sweet science is fucking boring. I saw live boxing once in my life, and that was during a horrible night in Vegas. I didn't think it was possible to have a horrible night in Vegas (at least, not with how I roll), but it is and boxing played a part in that.

About the only thing boxing has going for it is Oscar de la Hoya. How does a guy get to be that good-looking, especially when his job is to get punched in the head? He is definitely on my list of men I'd have sex with if for some reason I was forced to have sex with a man and had the choice of which man to have sex with. He's on the list with Clive Owen and Orlando Bloom. I guess I'll put Matt Damon on there too since I apparently go for that boyish look (Clive being the exception). Contrast this to ETP who goes for that more rugged look.

Anyway... Jay Mohr, however, did manage to make boxing amusing for a few minutes this week with his latest column.

Everyone knows that I hate explaining the joke (because when you do it's, just... life's not worth living), but if you're wondering about the origin of my new posting name, here you go.

Not to stupid teenage parents: if you don't want your kid, you either A) head that off at the pass with an abortion (while you can still have one) or B) go the adoption route. Dumpsters and Sterilite containers constitute an epic fail on your part, so don't fucking do it.

Sure, teenage pregnancy is hot until you have one on your hands, but there's no excuse for anything ending up this way.

Also, composite sketch artists should probably start looking for a new line of work. I realize the artist in this case was probably working off of a badly decomposed body, but that might be one reason to punt on the whole endeavor. I mean, c'mon, the real pictures show a cute little girl, and the sketches show Dakota Fanning. And we already know how I feel about her.

Boldly go back to where we just were

As a follow-on to that last post, here are a couple of links if, like me, you are inexplicably obsessed with the look of LCARS (either you know what that is or you don't) interfaces and their omnipresent Okudagrams. Well, what drives the obsession is probably not so much the visual appeal as opposed to just trying to pretend I'm living on Star Trek. You know, where I would be a total bad-ass with cool technology instead of being a huge pussy who blogs.

Here is a site that's a bit light on content at this point but still has some decent stuff that could end up as background wallpaper. On this page's "Download Gallery" section there's all kinds of cool shit, such as LCARS images, starship images, and (my fave) LCARS animations (some including sound!).

Dorks with cash

So someone recently put together a home-theater setup designed to look like the bridge of the Enterprise-D from Star Trek: The Next Generation. It looks pretty decent, but for the size of the room their screen looks pretty small. And I've got some reservations about the seats that are behind the tactical rail:


All I can say is that I'm not getting stuck sitting back there.

The additional Trek-inspired bar and lounge areas are a nice touch, but still nowhere near as cool as Rob Zombie's pirate bar at his house (couldn't find a pic that did it justice, unfortunately).

While this is a pretty nerdy thing to do, some points are lost because

“We initially considered the original Starship Enterprise, NCC-1701,” says Hoover. “With a more updated look, Enterprise NCC-1701A was selected as it depicted a grander version of the ship.”

As I already mentioned, that's the 1701-D, not the A. I don't know if the owner of this installation looked over this article before it went out, but still, there's no excuse for that.

I'm sure I linked this before but in a similar vein there was a guy a ways back who re-did his flat in a Next-Gen theme. To me that looks pretty awesome, if for no other reason the Okudagrams all over the place. The style and design choices are pretty decent although questionable in some places. My biggest issue is that everything is so fucking dark.

Unfortunately for this guy he started a company to do conversions like this for other people but ended up going bankrupt. Probably just as well, the last thing I need is that temptation floating around out there. Of course, with enough money you can do pretty much anything you want, but maybe fortunately I'm not at that point yet.

Meanwhile, there's some fascist shit going on in Pakistan that's not getting a whole lot of run over here. No big deal; it's not like they have nukes or anything. I know, I know, they're an important ally in The War Against Terror (TWAT).

Diplomats said John Negroponte had delivered a very strong message for an end to Pakistan's state of emergency.

Yeah, when you're dealing with a dooshebag like Pervez Musharraf, send in another huge d-bag.

He demanded an explanation for his portrayal in the Western media in recent months.

"Did I go mad? Or suddenly, my personality changed? Am I Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde?" he asked.

In recent months? This guy apparently pays as much attention to the news as Bush does.

"Have I done anything constitutionally illegal? Yes, I did it on 3 November," he said, referring to his imposition of emergency rule. "But did I do it before? Not once."

And he has a level of arrogance that would make Cheney proud.

Not that we didn't already know this, but Saudia Arabia is pretty awesome. Even Jack McCoy thinks that's fucked up.

So I made a made a discovery this week, and that is that one of Gorbachev's granddaughters, Anastasia Virganskaya Gorbachev, is one of the hottest girls alive. I'd like to introduce you all to my new girlfriend:

That last post, now with links

Yeah, just noticed that I fucked up the last -- and most important -- link in my previous post. I'm sure Cracked is devastated to have not gotten that link from a blog no one is reading.

It's a well-known fact that humor is one of the most under appreciated art forms. I'm not talking the shit that I try and pass off for humor here at Fe. I'm talking about the kind of humor that takes talent and maybe even some practice to get good at.

We can see how underrated comedy is just through Hollywood. Take a look at the best picture category at the Oscars. Comedies are in the minority, and pretty much always a long-shot to win. And then there's all of the dooshebag comic actors who start doing dramatic roles just to win an Oscar and validate their careers which in some cases shouldn't need validation. Comedy is just not taken seriously.

Yes, I know the Oscars are a yearly autofellatio event for Hollywood and are total bullshit, but that lame-ass awards show serves as a nice microcosm of what I'm complaining about here. Although the fact that Jim Carrey will never win an Oscar is pretty sweet.

To me, if you can be educational and funny, that's awesome. If you can be poignant and funny, that's awesome. I also think that it's much harder to mix comedy with these other things, and of course no one in history has ever espoused such an earth-shattering opinion. Courtesy of Cracked, here are a couple of articles that demonstrate what a bad-ass comedy can be when it's done balls-out.

First up is a list of The Five Biggest Badass Popes. Entertaining and informative.

As a quick aside while we're on the subject of the Papacy, while I was on hiatus these past nine months I had an important revelation. I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.

For the next Cracked link, I'm not going to say much. Other than the fact that this is one of the most fucking awesome things I've ever read.

Reasons why Jews kick ass #112

I've pointed out on numerous occasions that if you believe in an invisible man in the sky then I think you're stupid. The Jews win some points back, though, thanks to their contributions to the world of comedy. The latest example of this is the Shmaltz Brewing Company, maker of HE'BREW: The Chosen Beer.

That is just too fucking awesome for words.

Looking at their list of places to buy HE'BREW, a liquor store right by my house carries their products. I don't recall seeing any of their beers but maybe I just wasn't paying much attention since I usually end up getting Guinness or Fuller's ESB. Hopefully they stock Messiah Bold.

If this guy is correct, then that's pretty fucking badass. A five-hundred-year-old painting and there's still shit like this that we haven't figured out about it? Hard fucking core.

Alright, so the thought of starting to discuss politics here once again kinda nauseates me, as it has done since the '04 election. But I still need to mention this, which is pretty much the final nail in the coffin of me backing Giuliani. I totally wanted to get behind that guy because I loved the idea of divided government with a Democratic congress and a Republican president who is socially liberal or at least moderate while maintaining some true Republican roots (i.e. not all this Jesus and big government crap). Plus there's a local sandwich chain (Deli Zone) which has an awesome sandwich they call "the Giuliani." Somehow I think that also factored in to me wanting to back Rudy because I'm dumb like that.

But yeah, Rudy just sucks. 9/11, 9/11, 9/11... Yeah, we get it. That's not so bad, though. What gets to me (and I know I've been over this before) is all the bullshit pandering. Kissing ass with Bush. Trying to convince the religious right that he's down with them. And of course, that scheme paid off handsomely with this endorsement. The best case scenario I could think of is that he's just bullshitting everyone to get support from Republicans who otherwise wouldn't support him and then he'll do whatever the fuck he wants after elected. But even then he's just another dooshebag saying whatever he needs to say to get elected.

Why can't we get another moderate Republican in the mix here? Sit your ass down John McCain. You phony fuck. I'm sorry, maverick. Seriously though, moderate Republicans are my favorite people in government right now. 'Cause think about it. Mid-right and far-right Republicans, you know how they're going to vote on everything. Party line, Bush, blah blah blah. In general the Democrats are gonna do the same on their side since they're doing what little they can to consolidate what little power they've managed to stumble into (gotta love those approval ratings guys and gals!).

Moderate Republicans, therefore, are the only ones we can hope for to shake things up a bit and not be 100% fucking predictable. Like usual with American politics, shit just keeps getting worse and worse, and we're not choosing based on who we want, but choosing based on who we don't want. And in the end everyone sucks anyway. Politics off.

Alright, I think the whole toy recall thing is getting out of control. Christ, are we gonna have to start recalling everything that might be harmful to kids? Like with most all these recalls (if not all of them), the only danger is through blatant product misuse.

Wednesday's recalls include about 7,200 "Big Red" Wagons imported by Northern Tool & Equipment Co. of Burnsville, Minn. Totaling about 405,700, the recalled children's products all had excessive levels of lead in their surface paint.

Although no illnesses connected to the toy car recall have been reported, lead is toxic if ingested by young children.

If your kid is ingesting his or her fucking wagon I think there are bigger issues. Shit, if they're just scraping paint off and eating it, that act alone is a fuckin' problem.

Scientists say a chemical coating on the beads, when ingested, metabolizes into the so-called date rape drug gamma hydroxy butyrate.

That is just fucking... Bizarre. I mean, what are the odds of that happening? I don't mean kids eating shit they're not supposed to, but the chemical coating getting converted to GHB after ingestion. I think this company deserves some kind of award. For something. Oh, and if you're expecting some kind of joke considering the GHB thing, forget it. It's too easy, and I need to cut back on that shit or I am gonna be the subject of the next recall.

Considering who I am and my opening to this post I know you're probably thinking that I'm thinking, to hell with these kids, if they're dumb enough to be putting this stuff in their mouth then just let Darwinism take its course. On one hand I'm like, yeah, kids should really be smarter. And if they're not, well, they might be doomed anyway.

But on the other hand, kids do stupid shit sometimes since they're, well, kids. Everyone makes mistakes and not all of them should carry the death penalty. Like did I ever tell you all about the time I spray painted my ass brown? I know I've told ETP 'cause it's like his most favorite story ever of mine but I can't remember if it's come up here or not.

I had to have been like four or five at the time. A neighborhood friend of mine and I got a hold of some spray paint somehow at my grandparents' house. And we proceeded to spray paint the fences, the shed, and, for some fucking reason, our asses. Lemme tell you, it was pretty awkward for my grandmother to have to be soliciting advice from others on how best to remove spray paint from a child's ass. I think I deserve some kinda bonus points for using the ever-appropriate color of brown.

Then there was another time that, for some reason, I had a pair of keys. And I was sitting there looking at an electrical socket. It had those two perfect slits, and I'm looking at the keys, and I was like hey, these must go in there. I got a good jolt from that, naturally, and this nice big blister on my hand. I remember crying my eyes out -- not so much from the pain but because I was worried the blister would catch fire. Why was I worried about that? I dunno, I'd just stuck two keys in an electrical socket, what the fuck do you want from me? I'm not sure if this incident played a part in me eventually becoming an electrical engineer or not. To this day, though, I really do not like working anywhere near 120V AC.

So yeah, I'm kinda torn on which way to go here. I suppose for these kids who end up hurting themselves, if they don't die the first time and they don't learn their lesson and they do the same stupid shit again, then fuck it, let 'em die. But if not they might still grow up OK after all. I, for one, never spray painted my ass again or stuck keys in an electrical socket again. And what if I had died? What kind of travesty would it have been for the world to miss out on me?

In closing, I am of course obligated to link to this.

Why can't they ever bring back good shows?

So I've discovered a new webcomic: Joe and Monkey. I'm not sure if it's consistently good or not, but there is this one, which is fucking awesome.

Defective Junk Hero

No, this isn't some kind of Viagra spam post. I picked up Shitty Cover Band III (AKA Guitar Hero III) this past weekend. Twice. On Friday I pick the game up after work, head home, get my wireless network shit set back up, and fire up the game. I start playing "Slow Ride." I'm a bit rusty since I haven't been practicing my fake plastic guitar skills in awhile, but I'm doing OK. Not stellar though, as I realize my timing sucks because I just cannot hit a red+green combination.

After awhile I realized the issue wasn't me (for once), but the shiny new wireless guitar. You know, the one us 360 owners get jacked an extra ten bucks for thanks to Microsoft's proprietary wireless interface (at least, I'm guessing that's why it's $10 more than the PS or Wii versions). Upon further investigation I found out that it actually worked when I would strum up, but not down. I was about to call ETP and ask him if this was some new dumbass feature they'd added to make the game more challenging.

Playing some more I further realized that doing a red+green+down worked, if you consider red+green+down registering as yellow to be working. At this point I'm like, probably not a new feature. Oh, it's a feature all right, the kind that plenty of other people are having. It didn't take much searching through forums to see that I was not alone in my wireless guitar woes. Yay for quality control and product testing.

I started to take the guitar apart but got to a point where I felt like a circuit board wasn't gonna move without me breaking it so I was like, fuck it. Back to the store for an exchange.

My second one seems to be working just fine. I haven't put in a ton of time on the game yet (and you know there's the looming spectre of my video game ADHD), but it's not bad. It's Guitar Hero. It looks a bit different but pretty much plays the same. My biggest complaint is the extra shit it puts up on screen while you're playing, like when you hit a note streak. That always fucks me up because I think it's telling me I have Star Power when of course I don't. I'm busy paying attention to shit at the bottom middle of the screen assholes, and it used to be useful for the game to tell me up top about Star Power. I'm not actually gonna read it douchebags, but when it popped up I knew what it was without looking away from what I was supposed to be playing.

As an aside, dontcha love how when you've been playing for awhile and then you finally look away from the screen, everything around you seems to be moving upwards? That was rather unsettling the first time it ever happened to me. And now it's just normal.

The only new feature I've come across is the whole boss battle thing, which I found rather annoying. Partly because it took me a buncha tries to beat Tom Morello since I'm retarded. Then there was the time I was trying to attack and I tilted the guitar up so quickly and violently that i hit myself in the head, also because I'm retarded. And now more so. But in the end I beat Morello, and afterwards we had a nice discussion on geopolitics and he pointed me in the direction of a communist bookstore for references to support his dumbass opinions.

I was under the impression that a good deal of songs were the actual songs by the original artists, but no, most (so far for me at least, and I'm too lazy to go look it up right now) are just performed by shitty cover bands. Hence my nickname for the game still stands. And yes, I'm full well aware that Shitty Cover Band would be a better nickname for the impending Rock Band, but I started referring to GH as such a ways back and it's too late to change now. Maybe I'll just refer to Rock Band as Shitty Rock Band.

So while the track list is pretty badass, I'm rather disappointed in all the crap ass cover bands. I was especially pissed when I heard "Barracuda," one of the first songs I can ever recall listening to and enjoying (can't fuckin' believe that song is actually two years older than me). I was looking forward to playing that song, and while fun, the whole shitty cover band experience kinda took off some of the lustre.

Speaking of Shitty Rock Band, I can't say I'm all that enthused for the game. It's like, I can already be mediocre at playing the fake plastic guitar. Am I really that stoked to learn to play the fake plastic drums? Because I sure as hell will not be doing any singing. I have a good voice and all, but singing? Fuck that shit.

Paging Tom Hung

I guess you could say that the following link is mildly not safe for work (NSFW -- does anyone not know that acronym by now?). Well, that depends on where you work, and also your gender and how you want your sexual orientation viewed by others, I suppose. Either way, I just could not pass up on posting this. Found via The A.V. Club's Tolerability Index.

Be sure and check out the t-shirts they sell in the store, too. I like that some of them come in "dutch oven brown." Isn't a "Dutch oven" something dirty, like a Dutch treat or a Dutch surprise?

If you don't check Cracked.com regularly, you should.

Being me this is late, but here are two lists of interesting Halloween costumes from two of our favorite fucked up countries: Germany and Japan.

New look

Alright, so the last time I changed my template was probably June of 2003. That's... Pretty awesome. I never wanted to change it because I'm not anywhere near strong enough with web page coding to come up with a decent layout on my own, and all of the templates suck balls. Plus if I use one of the lame-ass templates it's gonna take forever to get all of the customization shit I've added into the template.

Well, an hour or two after deciding to take the plunge, I see that I was exactly correct. The new look is ass. Like, it wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't all this useless blank space to the left and right of the blog. What the fuck is that about? I gotta figure out how to fix that because that shit is annoying. The parts where I've written shit are a waste of space as it is, we don't need more completely useless space here.

And of course getting all the shit I want in the page back in there has been a chore. Like for the most part it wasn't bad, until I got to comments. At first I was thinking, fuck it, I'll just start using Blogger's commenting system. And I quickly saw that those suck, so I had to get HaloScan up and running. Which was also a pain, but I guess I'm there now so I'll let that rest until something turns up broken.

So, there you go. I changed my look. I did that for you. And what do I get as thanks? Probably not even a comment after going through all that fucking trouble. Yeah, why the hell am I blogging again?

EDIT: Okay, so I changed to a different template, which also blows. But at least it stretches the width of the page now.

I don't know what ended up happening to his SI column, but it doesn't matter since Jay Mohr has a new colum now at FOX Sports.

CNN occasionally posts articles from Mental Floss, and yeah, there's a site with tons of trivia shit that could be a real time-sink. Courtesy of that site I just found out that The Daily Show has a new video archive online.

Don't ask why, but the link from this post partially inspired me to blog again. Came across this 'blog, which for some reason amused me, at least in principle: Hot Chicks With Douchebags.

I'll bet you wish you'd stayed in bed

Alright Lunchbox let's try this again.

And no, I don't mean the whole blogging thing in general, I mean just trying to get a new post out again. You see, I tried this a couple days back, and it just wasn't feeling right. I even had a few posts under my belt and I went and pulled them all. Aside from the fact that I'm blogging, this is not looking good.

I used to have one main personal guideline for when I was doing this shit regularly: no self-censoring. I don't mean in the sense that I would hold back from saying "fuck" or "cunt" or whatever the hell I felt like -- if that's not clear you're not smart. I mean that quite a bit of what was going on in my head got posted. If there was anything you wanted to know about me (and you didn't), you could either figure it out by reading between the lines or I just fucking spelled it out clear as day. Only a retard like Buck could read this blog and not know what the shit I'm about. And once I posted something -- once it was "released into the wild" -- that was it. Sure, I'd go back and correct some shit. I'd post and re-post and re-re-post like a re-re as I found grammatical errors or thought of something else to add, but I'd never pull anything major out of a post, and I'd certainly never redact an entire post.

Well, now without having gotten a single new post out there, I've violated the above tenet. Yay for standards. I'm getting this shit out there now though, and it's pretty much like it was before, so I suppose that counts for something (yeah, I want a cookie).

Aside from the fact that I'm a sell-out to my own demons I really dunno why I'm doing this. I haven't blogged since February. Blogging started to feel like more of a chore and either it way wasn't entertaining me like it had been. It was also a good way to keep conversation going with ETP without having to do any talking or e-mailing; I could just say shit here or post interesting links or whatever and he had it all in one easy place. Well, I'm bored right now, and ETP is always working his balls off and I don't see much of him, so maybe the site's original utility can be revived. Either way, this experiment in boredom will probably be short-lived. We can hope.

Anyway, to get you caught up on capital "M" Me, here's what you missed:

1. My four-year anniversary (WTF? Four? I mean, seriously).
2. Yet another suck-ass summer I thought might be cool that wasn't.
3. Spring and the beginning of fall, which also suck.
4. Speaking of sucking, the Cubs. Or the Rockies if you wanna play hardball.
5. Will someone please punch Chris Matthews in the cock?
6. Also Tycho, that fat d-bag from Penny Arcade who is sooooo in love with his ability to use words (yay, I can use "fuck" too!). Fuck him because of the aforementioned unfounded arrogance along with how he insists on italicising every other fucking word.
7. Me, not letting a joke go until it blows... Hard.
8. Pining about schoolgirls.
9. Talk about the Bimmer.
10. Bitching.

In other words, you missed nothing. I'm like Days of Our Lives (or any other soap opera); you can just quit watching me for an extended period of time and then pick me back up at any arbitrary point in the future and still know exactly what the hell is going on.

While we're at it, who the fuck are you anyway? Probably nobody. I mean, I had, I dunno, three regular readers before, and they're long gone by now. I wonder when ETP will even discover this. Maybe I'll show up as an (un)pleasant surprise in someone's RSS aggregator ('cause that's what I went to school for), but that's about it.

Not surprisingly, though, my traffic is still decent, as my sitemeter stats page will attest to. Of course, that's pretty much all due to my incessant use of words like "fuck" and "underage." Man, I just don't know why I ever quit this gig.

Just to let you know that I'm still the same fuck-off (if not worse), I'm gonna share something with you. I think I'm pretty much getting myself into doll collecting. Well, okay, most boys whose families aren't infested with poor germs are doll collectors. The term "action figure" was, after all, invented specifically to avoid using the term "doll." And of course that was necessary because "doll" just isn't manly enough for... Children.

Well I say fuck that. Being 5'3" in good shoes any hopes of manliness died a long, long time ago for me, so that makes it even easier to let my girly side flourish and not give a shit. I like to shop for clothes and I like to decorate, but I also like cars and beer, and I still wanna bang chicks and I don't wanna cut my junk off. At least in this regard, I actually think I'm pretty well balanced.

Like with ETP and his purse, I'm just being honest about what's going on. And I've got a strong feminine side that I'm pretty cool with. So that all sounds pretty good.

After a recent purchase, though, I'm taking the next step. I recently learned about Pinky:st. toys, and I am in love. Cute anime-ish girls with interchangeable bodies so that you can vary their outfits. Cute. Clothes. Dress-up. Awesome.

At this juncture, for any newbies here, if you're about to throw together a sentence with the word "italics" and (probably) a mishandling of "irony," go fuck yourself.

At this juncture, for any old-timers here, you're probably thinking, dude, aside from the whole dress-up element, that's not so bad. At least not in the context of The Girls, who, for the uninitiated, are my collection of female anime figures that I have prominently displayed at my home. They have their own room.

I nearly got into full-flej doll collecting several years ago when I found some dolls on HLJ and a whole series of doll clothes made by a company called Azone. Amongst the clothes you could buy were, of course, sailor schoolgirl uniforms. I think pretty much everything was sold out though, so that put the skids on that descent into "dude, what the fuck" for awhile.

Looking through that Azone stuff, it appears as if most everything is still sold out. Goddammit. Although once I noticed the prices on some of that stuff, I was like yeah, that's kinda roughing up my walkawear too. Even if I could find the dolls in stock and the outfits, I'm not sure I wanna be paying twenty bucks per for outfits.

Just to pull us back from the realms of creepiness for a minute... Well, sorta. Since Japan is on the table, I was bound to come across something fucked up and utterly hilarious at some point. And here that is. Thanks for that, Japan.

Japan: you've got problems, and so do we.

One really awesome series I did come across was "Girls Mission," which appears to simply be schoolgirls with guns. That is seriously so fucking badass that I just don't have words to adequately describe my enthusiasm. I'm not enthused about the seventy-some dollars per doll, but when something like that shows up there's nothing I can do.

I still think my desire to collect dolls is partly just because I want to get to dollhouses. We all know about my hardon for playsets, and the dollhouse is just the Omega Playset. My fetish for minituares is also well documented. So, it's either about mini shit and playsets, or I'm just fucked up.

While we're on the subject, I think it's at least partly through dolls that we completely fuck girls up in our society. After a stroll down the doll aisles at Toys 'R' Sucks with ETP and BOETP one day and listening to her talk about the whole subject, I was like, yeah, I can see how women end up so goddamn crazy.

Oh, and then there was one day a couple years back when I was shopping for Barbies for a friend's daughter for Christmas. I came across Barbie with her kitchen playset. And pregnant Barbie. And I was like, do I really want to be sending this message to a 6-year-old girl? I ended up doing OK though, since I am the best at all toy shopping -- I settled on ballerina Barbie (because she has some talent -- save the jokes) and Veterinarian Barbie (because she has an education and a job).

Looking at those two incidents I'm like, yeah, I'm fucked up, but pretty much all my dumbass shit is in my head. Real life is sicker.

I think maybe another reason I'm looking towards dolls is because I don't have a girlfriend to buy clothes for. Hey, why have toys when you can have the real thing? C'mon ladies, it's a good deal (if you're materialistic like me) -- you will get driven around in nice cars, you will get taken out for nice meals, I will take you clothes shopping, and my back is strong (except that it isn't). Never mind the fact that I'm a complete fucking headcase and this is kinda weird; you can't have it all, you know?

Alright, so you just read a post from a 28-year-old guy talking about dolls and how he's gonna start collecting dolls. Welcome back.

It's been awhile, so here's a new batch of the shit I have to put up with online. Since the quality of Google pedos is declining (or rising, depending on how you want to look at it), I had to mix in a few more spams to get a decent list going. "Decent," of course, also being up for debate.

Your wife will be happier, if you use Viagra Pro.

Dick pill pro. Yeah, your dick's so broken you need professional grade dick meds to get it goin'. That should make the wife pretty happy.

how to pronounce jim rome

Could there be a simpler name to pronounce than Jim Rome? God damn it, no wonder people complain about the quality of education in this country. And yes, this searcher was from this country. Utah, in fact, which pretty much explains everything. Any group of people that will be floored by such "advanced" English phrases as "repressed sexual tendencies" and "Nazi-esque" is really in need of a shitload better book learnin'.

Speaking of education, here's a an ad that showed up at the top of my GMail inbox:

Online College Serach - quiz.learningandlife.com - An easy 10 Question Quiz to see if College Online is right for you.

Hey, why not? Looks like your serach for a quality education is over. Sure worked out well for those people.

Spam:

Lose weight while having sex

Yay, just what fatties need: The Catch-22 Diet.

how to suck your own cock if you are not flexible

Unless if it's fucking huge and you can get it to bend properly, the only other option is to cut it off and then you can suck it. Seriously, being flexible is, like, the pre-req for being able to do that. If you're too stupid to realize this, then just work on trying to be more flexible so you will hopefully snap your spine so we can be rid of you.

woman fucking appliances

The first thing that came to mind when I saw this one was a woman trying to get it on with her refrigerator, and that's just funny.

what is the biggest shit ever

Man, I've had a couple recently that might qualify, but I'll spare you the details. Like one yesterday, which I could best describe as "two for the price of one." Okay, seriously, I'll stop. You know how sometimes you'll drop one off that just amazes you, though? Like, so big you're almost proud of it and thinking, holy crap, that was in me? Or how about ones that come out in interesting shapes, like one with a perfect 90 degree angle? How does that happen? Okay, really, I'll stop now. Anyway, maybe this one was more for the guys out there. And coprophiliacs. You know you're gonna think about this sometime in the near future when you're on the shitter, though. But before we get off of that subject...

i shit at everything

I feel pretty safe in saying this individual is less popular than I am.

little fucking man

Yup, that pretty much describes me. Except for the fucking. And the man.

why does a man argue with you for just about everything

I dunno, why are you such a bitch for just about everything?

why god am I such a pathetic loser that I scare off every woman I speak to

Look dude, I feel your pain, but maybe the fact that you are asking Google these all-important questions could be a good place to start looking for the answer. Also, why are you asking this to Google? Are they god now? Jesus, that company needs to be stopped. Also, for those keeping score at home, I'm #7 on that search, so that's pretty solid.

A few more spams:

Tight slits crammed full of cock

They're crammed full -- you got that? Nothing particularly funny about this one, I just liked the simple, straightforward language.

Parents seducing their young daughter LOL

Yeah, if anything deserves an LOL'ing, it's that. Good job spam people.

We found hot slut for you Biitterlittleman!

Finally, the personal service I deserve. Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? My own friends can't even help out in finding girls to introduce me to, but yeah, some spam fucker is gonna get the job done.

Girls in your area who like money for sex Bitterlittleman

Yeah, I'd imagine there are quite a few girls like that in my area, but they're missing the boat and not taking any of my money.

jerking off my sister

Alright, I'll just let that one speak for itself, and it also gives me an opening to reference this Bash quote. Apparently one guy finally got sick of other guys lying about the size of their cocks.

All Danforth ever wanted was a water slide

When Iraqis or soldiers out in the real Iraq hear about shit like this, they've gotta be pretty pissed. People are out there getting blown up regularly but the Green Zone is fucking awesome. Somewhere in the Green Zone you'll find two turntables and a microphone because apparently that place is where it's at. Shit, reading that I almost wanna go over there and work in the Green Zone. Until I have to start kissing ass and praising "the mission," then I'm out.

I also found this amusing:

The atmosphere was thick with sexual tension. At the bar, there were usually 10 men to every woman. With tours of duty that sometimes stretched to six months without a home leave, some with wedding rings began to refer to themselves as "operationally single."

That's pretty solid.