Saturday, August 09, 2003

The Club For Growth is a fucking scary group. You can tell this just by seeing interviews with their head guy, which I've seen. And then you get a better look at what they're up to, you really get an idea as to how fucked up these people are. They're going after Arlen. Karl Rove is kinda bothered by them because, even though they've been helpful to the Bush Administration, they're too conservative for Bush's posse. How fucked up is that?
So continuing with yesterday's beauty pageant business, I was thinking that I need to start my own pageant. The girls will all be hot and there will be no fucking pretense as to why we're all there. To begin showing that there's a strict "No Bullshit" policy, we're going to call the thing something like "The Objectification of Young Girls Show." Do you think it should be "Sexual Objectification...", or is that pretty much implied?

Anyway, we can work on the name. However it ends up, we'll get the point across that we're there just to ogle some hotties. Furthermore, the hotties will know why they're there, and they'll be OK with that.

How are we going to choose the girls? One from each state? Nah, too rigid. Whoever wants to show up can show up. A handful of friends and I will decide who gets to be in the pageant. And by "handful of friends", that'll probably even include a couple of women, which totally gives this sham some credibility. Maybe I'll even set a height cutoff of like 5'5" or so, just cause I like the petite ones. Hey, my pageant, my rules. Those are the breaks.

So, what about the actual competitions? I think I've already made it pretty clear that there aren't going to be any talent portions or any shit where the girls give us some rehearsed answer to questions that were bullshit anyway. I thought about having a math portion, but no one besides me and maybe a couple of other people would give a shit, so that's out. The idea here is to give the people what they want.

Since all of that is out, I think the whole theme of the show is pretty much going to be parading the girls around in cute and sexy outfits. I think the first phase will be the swimsuit competition, just to get it out of the way. That one's simple and soooo fucking played out, but it's pretty much expected. Not that it's a bad competition, mind you, just overdone. Next maybe we can do a "seasons" theme... Spring wear, summer wear. Ummmm... Those are the only two seasons, right? Anyway, I think after that, we can go into the cheerleading outfit competition. There won't be any cheers performed or any other such nonsense, just them parading around in those cute little skirts and tops. Next I think we'll send them all shopping, and see what kind of outfits they can come up with on their own. They'll be graded on if they can pick out some nice colors, in addition to cute shoes and accessories. Anyone coming back in capri pants or with a skort is automatically disqualified. Once they come back from the shopping run, we'll have the grand finale competition: oh, you guessed it, the schoolgirl outfit competition. Doesn't matter what style or even what country they choose, just so long as it's a school uniform.

So, what does the winner get? I'm thinking not much, really, except a bunch of attention and adoration that she would have gotten anyway. Maybe a nice steak dinner, too. I think her main prize is not being one of the losers. Each of the losers will have to spend a day with me, going out shopping for toys and anime, playing video games, surfing the net, watching DVDs, and doing math problems. No, don't get any ideas, they're not gonna have to sleep with me or anything. I'm not that fucking cruel, and I don't feel like disappointing that many girls anyway. But they still should have to endure one hellish day of putting up with me, because they will be getting plenty of attention from guys they'd actually want to get attention from for the rest of their lives.

Yeah, that'd be fucking sweet. And once it was all done, I could kick it Jon Stewart School, and go home and masturbate into a pool of my own tears.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Some things to think about on our next sushi outing.
Why can't we have a fun legislative body like the Japanese? Seriously, I think more people would watch C-SPAN if every now and then congressmen just started beating the shit out of eachother.
Oh yeah, and then there's that other thing that's getting fucked up.
So you know what was kind of a letdown? Perusing the contestants in the upcoming Miss Teen USA pageant. Why is it that girls in these fucking beauty pageants are rarely ever very attractive? Yeah, I know, the beggar is being a chooser here. But goddamnit, if you're going to parade around a bunch of underage poon for a bunch of sad, lonely guys like me, actually, fuck that, just guys in general, to jack off to, at least do it right. I guarantee you that there's at least one girl prettier than the chosen representative from each state who's willing to be put up on the block.

Oh, and don't give me any shit about how I'm a sexist, shallow pig. I already know that. Everyone else is the same fucking way, but at least I'll admit it. And if you even try to say that there's more to these shows than physical beauty then you're getting punched. No one gives a shit about her singing or how she's going to solve world hunger. Get up there, look pretty, shut the fuck up, and sit the hell back down. Next!
Why is it that Bush is always at his fucking ranch? I'll tell you why - the real people in charge just tell him every now and then to go ahead and take a break - "It's OK, George, things are pretty much under control. Just go ahead and take a breather."

Seriously, I'll bet you with Bush it's like things were working on my senior project. There were four of us in the group, but only two of us doing any work - myself and this other kid who was fucking arrogant but also very fucking bright. We're in the lab the night before Expo - the day our project was due. Not surprisingly, the project was due on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Anyway, it's about 8 PM the night before the project is due, and we're trying to get things wrapped up. One of our useless group members is hanging around, not doing anything like usual. So I tell him, "You know, there's not a whole lot here left for us to do - we're pretty close to done. You can go ahead and head home if you want." I say this to him knowing full well that we have an all-nighter ahead of us. But you know what? Getting him out of there was useful, just to get him out of our way. I think that's what Bush's life is - he's perpetually one of the useless members of an ECE Capstone Lab group.

Okay, on with more bitching. Anyone else bothered by the fact that Bush said we'll be in Iraq "as long as it takes to win this war on terror"? If that's the case, we're always going to be there. Because, as we know, we'll win the war on terrorism the day after jealousy is defeated. And, you know what? I'm just going to spare you my complaining about all the other false sincerity Bush is showing in those quotes - it just pisses me off too much for words.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

So with all this anime bullshit that's been ruining my life for like eight months now, I've hardly been paying any attention to regular DVDs. I did, however, hear that George Lucas didn't feel rich enough a short time ago, so the Indiana Jones Trilogy is finally coming out on DVD on November 4th. Oh, and House of 1000 Corpses is coming out next week. Get stoked for that piece of shit. I like Rob Zombie and all, and his pirate bar is the fucking coolest thing ever, but his movie was ass.

Oh, and fuckin' A, both Animal House and PCU are coming out. Did Animal House already come out? Do I have that one? Fuck, I don't know. And I sure as hell am not walking down two flights of stairs to go find out.

More Family Guy and Futurama... Fuck, why did I have to go do this to myself and go look at the list of release dates? I'm already trying to figure out how I'm going to afford these fucking Trek replicas that are coming out soon. At least I haven't felt compelled to buy Deep Space Nine on DVD this year, unlike last year's Next Gen barrage... That's $700 saved. Of course, that wasn't so bad last year, when I had a pseudo real job.
Yeah, Star Trek sucks now. No one cares anymore. Please, for fuck's sake, give it a rest, Paramount. And hang Rick Berman up by the scrotum.
Oh, and with the talk of the Gambling on Terrorism Department discussion last week, I completely forgot to go over how John Poindexter was in charge of it. I'm not sure if that article has some shit right (I think that 1996 reference should be 1986, and I don't know if e-mail was in heavy use back then... but I could be wrong), but it just goes to show you more and more what kind of nice people are in charge in this Administration.
There are so many things fucked up with this that I can't even come up with a single coherent line of thought to discuss. But I'm going to try a little stream of consciousness experiment.

Boy, is this dog going to have issues in the future. Like a kid who's parents tried to abort him but it didn't take. And what the fuck is up with not having the heart to re-gas him? You fucking tried it once, lady, just do it again. And hey, I know it sucks having to euthanize animals, but at the same time I understand why its done. And it kinda amuses me that they tried to fucking kill this dog, and because he beat the Nazis at their game, now he gets vet treatment, a bed, and a nice meal. And don't even fucking get me started on the "divine intervention" bullshit. It's a goddamn dog, for Christ's sake. It's not like he's going to go on to cure cancer now. And in the end, this story just helps highlight the sad plight of animals in shelters - you have to nearly fucking be gassed to death before anyone will take notice and adopt you. That's gotta make you feel loved.
Well, maybe if you weren't such a fuck-up, Al, we wouldn't be having all of these problems (not that Gore wouldn't have fucked up plenty in his own right).

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Okay, I finally got things to update, including the new design, if you want to call it that. And hey, check it out - my blog is white... and it's lame!
Yeah, so my fucking blog looks different now. That is, if anyone sees this, because for some reason, the main page is all fucked up right now and it won't show any of my changes. That's part of the reason why I changed the goddamn template - to see if I could fucking force the main page to change like I told it to. God fucking damn it.

And yes, I know the new layout looks like shit, just like the last one. One of these days I'll get decent with HTML and put together a new, shitty look that's all my own.
You know what else I'm fucking sick of? Toy companies bullshitting about release dates. We have been waiting FOR FUCKING EVER for the next wave of retro Care Bears plush to come out. That's right, Mr. Hard Heart himself is pissed because he can't find his Care Bears stuffed animals. It's bad enough that these clever cocksuckers have found a way to get us to buy back our childhoods, but the least they can do is be somewhat prompt about this shit. It's been since like January or something since when these fucking things were supposed to show up. What makes me want to burst in anger is the fucking fact that the ones we've been looking for have been available on eBay since we were scouring the city looking for the first wave. What the bloody fucking shit is up with that? I can't fucking understand how eBay is flooded with them, but I can't fucking find them anywhere. I think PlayAlong Toys figured out that they can make more money selling them through those soulless cocksuckers on eBay, and they're not going to release them to retail channels until that's not profitable anymore. Then I'm seeing something today that they've been delayed until later this month, but I can't quite make out which bears they're fucking talking about, and I'm about to have an aneurism pop.

This is the same fucking shit that the toy companies have been doing to me for like two decades now. This Care Bears nonsense is reminiscent of the nightmare second wave of Playmates' Next Generation figures. This fiasco went down in '94, I think. I made the mistake of reading an article that a whole shitload of new figures were supposed to be out in April. That was like a week or two away. But then I ended up having to wait until like September or some shit until anything new showed up. I actually kept saving fucking money all those months, which is pretty impressive for me. Seriously, I think there's one big toy that I've been waiting for all my life, but I've been waiting for it so long that I've forgotten. In the meantime, all the other shit I buy is just to hold me over until I get the big one. Wait, I think I know what it is - the Gadgetmobile. They showed this thing on the back of Inspector Gadget PVC figures in like 1984 or something, AND IT NEVER SHOWED UP. God, that always pissed me off.

Sorry, but I'm pissed.

Speaking of Gadget, this toy was the fucking best. I had two of these at different times.. I think I broke the first one somehow. I need to find another one of those fuckers MISB.

I realized that I need several billion dollars so that I can start my own toy company. Why billions? Because I'm going to lose a lot of money, like how Microsoft loses $150 on every XBox it sells. Why am I going to lose a lot of money? Because I'm going to get liscences for all the anime and game and TV show toys that either no one cares about or that no one has done justice for. And we're going to make playsets - lots of fucking playsets. I've always loved playsets, for two reasons: they're big and they're expensive. Which, of course, are the two reasons why playsets never sell well. Seriously, let's do a list of some fucking sweet playsets from the past couple decades, some of which I had, some of which I didn't:

  1. He Man: Castle Grayskull, or, shit, Skeletor's Castle, with the voice changer thingy.
  2. Thundercats: They had the Thundercats base, but I don't know if it was cool or not, because the only one I can remember seeing was about a month ago at a comic shop, and it was beat to shit.
  3. M.A.S.K: Boulder Hill. Hell yeah, Boulder Fucking Hill. This thing is sturdy, too - I remember playing 'Tornado' with it at my grandparents' house one night. What this game consisted of was running up to Boulder Hill and kicking the shit out of it. And I did this over and over again. Not a single thing ended up broken from what I recall.
  4. Transformers: never really had any playsets, but there were some big-ass robots that were the closest thing to playsets, like Metroplex and Fortress Maximus. Are you not entertained?!
  5. Go-Bots: I'm the only fucking kid who preferred these to Transformers (no disrespect to the Transformers, which were fucking sweet), and the Go-Bots Command Center was pretty fucking cool. Here's a guy who had the Command Center - you can scroll down his page to read a much funnier description of toys than I'm capable of, and he doesn't even have to use cuss words. I will always be an unpublished hack.
  6. Ghostbusters: Naturally, I'm talking about the Real Ghostbusters, with Venkman and shit. Their Firehouse playset was fucking bad-ass, complete with an Ecto-Containment Unit.
  7. GI Joe: There was all sorts of GI Joe shit, and probably a bunch of playsets - the only one I had was the Oil Rig thing that had like 7 million stickers to apply.
  8. Micro Machines: There was the Tool Box Playset and the Super Van City. The Van was bigger and had some more shit, but it was never as cool as the Tool Box.
  9. Ninja Turtles: I never got the Sewer Playset, but I do have the Technodrome, which is just beyond everything. And not the shitty little Technodrome vehicle they came out with afterwards, I have the real Technodrome.
  10. Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Playmates line had the Bridge, which was super fucking sweet, and Engineering. The Engineering playset is cool, but it needs to be bigger. I want the whole main floor so we can get the Pool Table and Master Situation Monitor in there - and it needs to be like three or four stories so that we can get more of the warp core.

Okay, that's all I can remember right now. But yeah, we totally need more playsets. If nothing else, I need a playset for my Love Hina figures. I realized that Hinata Inn is really big, so what we'd have to do is make multiple interlocking playsets that come together to form the whole building. Or, at very least places like the living room, all the characters' rooms, and the hot springs. Man, I would so fucking put this thing together, sit there and stare at it for like a half an hour, then slit my wrists, because life would never, ever get better than that.

Okay, maybe making my own playsets isn't such a good idea. No way, fuck that, it'd be great. Because then we could also build a NERV Headquarters Playset, which doubles as a casino/hotel. Whether we make any money or not wouldn't matter, because we would have made the fucking coolest shit ever. And like I said, with a few billion dollars backing me, we could get away with it for awhile, just like MS.

Hey, you never know, it could happen. A friend of mine and I were talking about Star Wars Legos like 10 years ago, and lo and behold, we've got 'em now. But let us not speak of Lego, because they're now dead to me. Long live Lego!
Does anyone give a fuck about Kobe Bryant? Huh? They do? Why? Why in the fuck are people so goddamn interested in famous people, especially when they fuck up? God fucking damn it, people's lives are bankrupt. Here's all I give a shit about: if he did it, he should have his balls cut off and go to jail. If he didn't, then he didn't.

Also, what exactly in the fuck in the charge against Kobe? Is it rape or not? Yeah, if he did whatever he's accused of, it's bad either way, but I'd like to at least get some consistency. Usually I hear "sexual assault," other times flat-out "rape". You'd think that with all the bloody coverage this is getting that the fucking media could at least get the charges straight. Of course, I think I'm further confused, because the legal charge is, I think, Class 3 Sexual assault, which in Colorado is equivalent to rape, but people seem real hesitatnt to use the r-word if that's indeed what the fuck is going on.
Nothing more I can say, other than 'yup.'
More on the California recall mess. Gotta love Larry Flynt.
This whole California recall bullshit pisses me off, but it would be fucking sweet if Arianna Huffington became Governor of California. Hell, I'd take Larry Flynt as a consolation prize.

Also, CNN needs to quit mincing words. Darrell Issa, a Republican, didn't just "spearhead" the recall campaign, he fucking funded it.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Good, fuck 'em. When is this Ben Asslick and Jennifer Lopez shit gonna end? Why the fuck does anybody give a shit about them? I wish they'd get hit by a train.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Yeah, totally.
I don't think the U.S. has much right to complain about "closed door" interrogation methods considering shit like what's going on down in Guantanamo. After all, isn't everyone in Britain except Tony Blair pissed about how we're treating their prisoners down there? I'm pretty sure people aren't really happy about it, and I'm not just talking about the lawyer for some of the guys being held, who wrote that Guardian article.
I guess it's time to set it on fire, just like the Reichstag. Wait - that could be bad. Good thing nothing bad could ever happen to this country to get the government to start doing evil shit.

Also, don't ask why both my posts so far today have something to do with Germany. I didn't plan it that way.
So you know how you know the Germans are fucked up? When you're trolling for porn, and you stumble across a page written in German, and all you can say is "Uh-oh..."

Also, why the fuck is it that just now, when I really need to get to bed, I get the idea to go searching around for girls in sailor schoolgirl outfits?