Here's a couple of Jesus tidbits for ya. First up are these retarded people.

"We're good Christian people."

With all due respect to Mr. Clemens, suppose you were a good Christian person. And suppose you were an idiot. But I repeat myself. Seriously, is there any wonder that us elitists mock your beliefs by calling them superstitions? Furthermore, if those people are giving up their phone numbers with 666 prefixes, can I have one of them? How fucking sweet would that be?

Then there's this next article. I could go on and on about it but really I'd just be repeating myself and as you all know I have a strict policy against that. All I will say is you get what you pay for.

And so the 53-year-old accountant from the Tampa, Florida, area...

Okay, I do have to comment on that, because the fact that that woman is an accountant is pretty hilarious. Stay the fuck away from my 1040, lady.

Asshole +1

So, what else is new with me? Well, there's this:



What is that? That is an E92 BMW 335i. Actually that picture doesn't quite do the color justice:





Those are closer but you really need to see Montego Blue Metallic in person to really appreciate it. It's no Imola Fucking Red (unavailable on this car), but it's still pretty damn sharp.

Anyway got her last week. The lease was about up on my E46 330i, so I was left with the decision to either cut back on my spending and get something cheaper and more practical or I could continue to be spoiled and wasteful. Since I have problems (see previous post, or, shit, any previous posts), well, we already know what route I took.

I got the car pretty well equipped, and it has a manual transmission, of course, even if I am still a pretty shitty stick driver. I may not be cool, but I fucking could be if I could get my shit together!

I decided to go the coupe route since I'm not a huge fan of the E90 3 Series sedan's styling -- I mean it's nice but not great:



I don't care much for the "painted eyebrows" headlights and the fact that the tops of the twin-kidney grille are actually attached to the hood. Also I couldn't get too excited about that body style after coming off of an E46 ZHP, which is one of the best-looking cars ever. For reference, here's what I was driving:



Then there's the E90's rear view:



At one point ETP commented that with those tail lights the car looks like it's clenching its ass. He's absolutely right, and after he said that I was like, I can never get one of those.

Those things combined with the fact that the E92 coupe fixes all of the issues I have with the E90 sedan plus there being no insurance difference between the sedan and coupe made the choice easy on that front.

There are some things I do miss about my old car (I was actually very close to just buying out the lease on it). And I have a handful of small complaints about the new car. Like, for instance, there is STILL no simple "off" switch or button for the climate controls, just like with my E46. I have to press the fan speed button several times to get it to shut off. The fucking 5 series has an off button, but why can't they give us on on the 3er?

So yeah, pretty much any issues I have are minor and everything is overcome by that car's engine: a 3.0 liter, inline 6-cylinder twin turbo that puts out 300 hp and 300 lb-ft. of torque. That peak torque is available from 1,400 to 5,000 if you need it.

It's a bit of an adjustment. I'm going from 235 naturally aspirated horses to 300 turbocharged. At altitude that just magnifies the difference since a naturally aspirated engine will lose about 3% of its power per thousand feet in altitude (I'm around 5,000) and a turbo isn't going to lose as much. So that's pretty neat and I think turbocharging is my new best friend (sorry ETP).

As a result of all that the car is just stupid fast. I'm seriously trying hard not to flog her too much since you are supposed to break in a car gently (or at least according to the owner's manual and its break-in regimen; but I keep getting differing opinions on this). Like take for instance a moment I had on the highway last weekend. I was probably doing about 85 (75 zone, so 10 over like most everyone else) and there was a car on my ass. So I decided to punch it a bit and hop over a couple lanes to get the car off my ass. After not too long of a time I look down and the speedometer is reading 120. Fuck. I think I was on a slight downhill at that point but still hitting a buck twenty that easily is just ridiculous. It was at that point that I started to develop a healthy fear for what that car is capable of.

So anyway, yeah, that's my new toy. And hopefully my mom or anyone else I'm related to is reading this since they too have anxiety issues.

Sidepedaling

Okay, so watching boxing is boring, but that doesn't necessarily mean that boxing itself is boring. During the summer I was going out jogging to get exercise, but now that it's cold and icy out, I'm not fucking doing that anymore. Plus I hate jogging anyway.

Since I needed to find some other means of exercise, so I decided to give boxing a try and got myself an instructional DVD and one of these. I figure hey, why not try something that could be a good workout and potentially relieve stress at the same time? Something comes along that pisses me off so I just go and beat the shit out of the heavy bag for awhile. Sounds like a plan.

Actually lately I haven't been getting all pissed off to the point where I want to go beat the shit out of something. Okay, well, despite my temper and short fuse I really don't ever get that pissed anyway. Seriously.

Still though, I'm always high-strung and frequently stressed even when it's unwarranted sometimes, so what gives? Maybe it's the anti-anxiety meds I'm on to try and help combat my shyness. The medication I'm on is a benzodiazepine, and benzos are a CNS depressant. Apparently the way they combat anxiety is by putting me to sleep, and then I can't be anxious while I'm asleep. And then I'm also too tired to be stressed. Better living, or sleeping, through chemistry.

Seriously it was wearing me down so much that I finally had to cut back to just one dose a day in the evening. When I was taking one in the morning too I would be dragging ass all day at work, on several occasions nearly falling asleep while someone was talking to me. That's not good.

I almost didn't start taking them after reading about the potential side effects and withdrawal and shit. Yeah, I was too anxious to take my anti-anxiety meds. Hey, read some of that shit and tell me that you wouldn't have some anxiolytic anxiety. Finally, though, I thought to myself, hey, risk is part of the game if you wanna sit in that chair, so I finally got going with the meds.

Not sure if they're really doing anything after several weeks aside from making me feel like I'm drunk without any of the fun parts (in addition to making me sleepy they can also make me feel a bit lightheaded). Of course sitting at home alone most of the time hasn't exactly given me much of a chance to do serious field-testing. So far though if I'm around a big group I feel pretty much the same as always.

Okay, I guess maybe I do feel a bit more relaxed when I'm out and about though. And my moods are a bit more even than they were before. Of course when I say "before" I'm referring to when I was starting to take the medication, and I would have a lot of mood swings. Of course I could be that way before, so it's hard to say what the fuck is going on.

In the end though I don't have seriously high hopes for this latest experiment. Of course, I recognize that meds aren't going to actually solve my problems, I have to do that on my own. And maybe that's part of the problem. Well okay that's the whole problem. But what I was referring to is that maybe people who think that their prozac is going to fix their problems can actually bullshit themselves enough to where they get their shit together and get to work on doing something.

I've been on anti-depressant medications at two other points in my life and they didn't do shit. Then there was a short stint where I was seeing a therapist and he was always coming up with ways for me to combat my social anxiety and I would always shoot them down. It got so bad that he actually said he didn't know if there was any point in coming in for any more sessions. That's right; I am so stubborn and difficult that my brain is completely resilient to chemical changes and I had a therapist give up on me. So that's probably not good either.

Barack Obama: retard. I hope there's more to this or this comment was taken out of context because if not that's a pretty stupid thing for a supposedly smart man to say. I mean, seriously, how many toys out there come from China?

China, which makes about 80 percent of the world's toys...

Gee, that seems like quite a lot. Why not just say you wanna shut the whole industry down?

Man, every fucking candidate sucks balls. Well, most of them. I think I wanna get on board with Ron Paul. For some reason I had discounted him at one point but I think I need to re-evaluate that. Although running under the Republican flag the guy's really a libertarian and I'm down with that. If nothing else, if someone put a gun to my head and said "pick one" I think he'd be my choice. Not that that's a ringing endorsement or anything, but that's the shit landscape we've got here in this country.

And what is with the sudden surge of Mike Fuckabee? Just what this already ignorant country needs, a Baptist minister president.

Not Outstanding

So here's an instance of kids doing the stupid kind of shit that kids do where they should be going to jail. Along with the needless death of a little girl this raises several other issues and questions:

1. Bring on all the d-bags who like to rant and rave about videogames and violence. Video games don't make kids dumb and make them do stupid shit, those kids were stupid already.
2. The girl being charged in this case is cute and a couple years away from being legal and now may end up spending her more attractive years rotting behind bars.
3. If indeed that was the game they were playing, who the fuck plays Mortal Kombat anymore these days?

Addendum: Okay, so it looks like it may not have been the video game after all, that's just what they called their "wrestling" sessions. Not like that really matters; either way this is fucked up. But of course that really goes without saying.

If nothing else at least the choice was ballsier than "You"

Hey guys: shut the fuck up. Man Person of the Year isn't always complimentary. Hitler, Stalin (twice), and Bono have all won the award for fuck's sake. Not the best company to be in. Of course I wouldn't expect that you guys would notice this fact, because you were too busy with this shit:

"Clearly General Petraeus is the person, or one of a few people, who would certainly merit that designation," the former Massachusetts governor added.
...
“I noticed that Time Magazine made President Putin the Time Magazine ‘Man of the Year,’” McCain said, according to NBC. “I understand that probably, but my man of the year is one Gen. David Petraeus, our general who has brought success in Iraq.”

I realize that I get pissed a lot, usually for no good reason, but there are few things that make my blood boil quicker than pandering.

LOL like OMFG u guys Jamie Lynn Spears is preganant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely abhor celebrity gossip but for about a million reasons I've gotta talk about this one. Seriously this is like the most fucking hilarious thing to happen in awhile. I mean, who would have thought that by year's end that Britney would be the kid in that family who isn't the biggest fuck-up?

Well OK maybe she still is. Tough call really. She's still a shitty mom and had to shave her head to beat drug tests and lost custody of her kids to fucking K-Dirt. All that on top of the fact that she had kids with that guy to begin with. That plus she's like soooo incredibly fat now that like no guy would bang her, except for pretty much any straight guy with a pulse. But at least she didn't get knocked up at 16! Or at least that's what she'll be telling herself.

If nothing else the heat is off of her for awhile until she screws up again and gets back into the spotlight.

Spears, who turned 16 on April 4 and says she is 12 weeks into her pregnancy, told the magazine she plans to raise her child in Louisiana, "so it can have a normal family life."

Best of luck with that one!

Then of course there's the "what about the children" angle (I got through two of those before I just couldn't take it anymore; if there are any gems in there please let me know via comments). This is funny to me because a bunch of candy-ass parents probably are freaking out about what to tell their kids. If I've learned one thing about parents it's that a lot of them really hate having to do the fucking job they signed up for.

So while this is freaking awesome for most of the rest of us, that kid who got her pregnant probably isn't finding it too funny. Not only is he gonna be a daddy before he can even legally buy the alcohol to drown those sorrows, but people are already talking statch charges for him. Hopefully it doesn't go beyond talk though.

I'm sure the kid's a real winner and all but I most kids don't deserve what Genarlow Wilson had to go through. Getting thrown in the slam for 10 and having to register as a sex offender for "aggravated child molestation" for getting blown by a girl two years younger than you when you're 17? Now granted they finally got the guy released but they certainly took their sweet time about it.

Now, this is the last country on earth I expect to get our sex laws right. And no, I'm not gonna make any kinda case for guys my age to be knocking up 16-year-olds, but calling someone a child molester when, at least from a legal standpoint, they're still a child is pretty fucking dumb. Just to throw more anecdotal evidence out there I seem to recall a case where an underage girl took nude photos of herself for her boyfriend and she got hit with child porn charges. That seems pretty reasonable.

Kids are gonna be kids and unfortunately are gonna do stupid shit. We'd rather they not, but in cases like these, they don't deserve jail and the sex offender tag for it.

Just to keep my street cred up here, what the hell happened to Jamie Lynn Spears anyway? I mean besides the pregnancy thing. Didn't she used to be cute? Maybe it's just all the makeup in that picture. If it is then that's just one more reason why I'm banning most, if not all, of that shit once I'm in charge.

I find myself in all sorts of odd places politically. In some ways I'm becoming more conservative. I'm down with moderate Republicans and even though I haven't pulled the trigger on it yet I'm still planning on becoming a gun owner. Fear not though, because in other ways I'm becoming more liberal. One such issue is the death penalty. I'm down with Jersey's decision to abolish the death penalty.

"Society must ask," he continued, "is it not morally superior to imprison 100 people for life than it is to execute all 100 when it's probable we execute an innocent?"

And that's pretty much the crux of it. As much as I am for killing assholes, the fact is that some innocent are going to slip through the cracks and that just completely goes against the ideals that we at least think this country was founded upon. As the saying goes (and as echoed by Corzine; hope he's wearing his fucking seat belt now), it's better to let a hundred guilty men go free than to wrongfully imprison one innocent. The notion of executing even one single innocent person is just completely wrong and I can't rationalize that one away in any sort of "justice" system. Plus at least imprisonment can be reversed.

The bill was introduced in November after a state commission concluded capital punishment was an ineffective deterrent to crime.

See I never really cared about it being a deterrent, and I also didn't need a study to tell me that the death penalty wasn't one. I was just all for getting rid of people we don't need, and of course, that Biblical need for revenge. Pretty much if it's that kind of shit coming from those corners of my mind it's probably bad.

I think of people like Jesse Timmendequas, and I'm like, yeah, just kill that guy. But as I've said before, being a child killer and/or child molester in prison has got to be way worse than death. No one wants to die, but not one wants to be that guy on the fucking prison totem pole, so life in prison is more satisfying of a punishment in the end for some of the more heinous crimes. But I guess in a way we're back to that whole revenge thing since I think that's a harsher punishment, aren't we? So is the death penalty good again? Shit.

Somewhat old news, but this is pretty fucking stupid. I'd expect this to stir up some controversy. But an arrest? Hey, Madison, Wisconsin police, how fucking stupid are you?

What happens when you say 'bomb' in an airport? That's free speech, isn't it?" he said. "And people are taken into custody for that all the time."

Oh yeah, that fucking stupid. I'd tell you to look up "clear and present danger" but you'd probably think I'm referring to the movie you dumbfuck.

Most likely this was a joke. Maybe not the best way to get your point across but whatever. And if it wasn't a joke? OK, fine, so they guy's a Klebold and Harris sympathizer. That's not a crime. And it certainly didn't sound like some kind of threat, either.

The comment disturbed at least one teacher, who called police in West Bend, 40 miles north of Milwaukee and home of the blog's administrator.

That's pretty awesome. You can get thrown in the can for "disturbing" someone. Jesus R. Christ, would some of you people grow a fucking sack?

Police traveled to arrest Buss at his home in Cudahy, south of Milwaukee, last week after the blogger gave them the anonymous poster's IP address.

Also speaking of needing to grow a sack, at least potentially, I wonder how much of a fight this blogger put up before he rolled and gave up the IP address? I'm guessing the cops threatened him and shit and he pussed out. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have too, but I'm a self-admitted coward so that's not helping this guy's case any.

I always hate for my most recent post to be one of those oh-woe-is-me despite the fact that I'm more fortunate than the vast majority of people out there pity parties, even though the better part of my life as been precisely one of those posts. So here's something funny to lighten the mood back up.

As I've mentioned before, I became a fan of the web comic Overcompensating. My enthusiasm for the strip has waned, though, just because I'm getting really sick of his preachy ass liberal bullshit. I'm like, dude, I get it -- and I agree with you on a lot of this stuff. But can you knock it off and just be funny? Or at least go back to doing Wigu on a regular basis?

He did have one really funny comic a couple weeks back though that involved no left-wing preachiness, and it was funny because it's absolutely true.

eMisery

So after all these years of blogging it should be pretty obvious that I'm, like, one of the loneliest motherfuckers out there (my new girlfriend not withstanding). If I'm a straight guy blogging about the guys I'd have sex with if I had to, I've gotta be pretty lonely. I know you're probably thinking "closet case..." but that's just not it. Despite the shopping habit, despite always wanting to dress nice, despite enjoying decorating, despite the Pinky Street obsession, despite taking an hour every fucking morning just to get showered and dressed, I'm still attracted to women and not guys.

And I'm sure most are like, well yeah duh you're lonely, have you paid any attention to what you're like? But c'mon, I'm not that bad. A handful of really good people have enjoyed having me around. And a bunch of total dooshebags haven't, but hey, that's life.

Or maybe I am that bad. I look back over the years, and only once has a friend even made a half-assed kinda-sorta attempt to set me up with someone. You would think that for a guy who is pretty smart, has a master's degree in something useful, has a good job, has a mortgage instead of a lease, is nearing his second new BMW in three years, and is actually a pretty caring and entertaining and decent guy despite all the sarcasm and bitching and other issues, that someone, at some point, would have thought I'd be a good guy for someone else and I'd have gotten some help. But apparently I have so much bad that it way more than cancels out all the good. So in the end that really tells me all that I need to know about myself.

Of course it's not everyone else's job to fix my solitude issues. It'd be nice, but the responsibility is still mine. Of course, being painfully fucking shy doesn't help much, either. I did start taking an anti-anxiety medication recently, so we'll see if that helps calm me in social situations. So far all it's managed to do is make me even more sleepy during the day than I normally am.

If things continue like this, though, I think I'm gonna end up a Type B Bisexual male. The way I see it, there are two types of bi guys: A) guys who are truly attracted to both men and women, and B) guys who are willing to settle. You know, some guys go out looking for pussy, they'll settle for dick. Unless if I'd rather stay alone, eventually I'm going to have to settle for something, whether it be dick or something else sub-optimal. Guess that would serve me right for all these years of being a spoiled prick. I've gotten damn near everything else I've wanted but no one can have it all.

But who knows, maybe it's not completely bleak. This past weekend ETP was trying to encourage me to sign up for an online dating site. Which kinda makes sense. I'm obviously not going to be able to find someone in the ways most people have for hundreds of years. Plus I'm good at spending money after all (which leads me to strongly consider a mail-order bride).

So the first two sites that came to mind were eHarmony and match.com. I go to eHarmony, and look at their "I'm an X looking for an X" dropdown boxes. The only options are a guy looking for a girl or vice versa. No love for the queers. Despite not being at the Type B stage (yet), I was still kinda put off by the implicit homophobia they showed.

So I go over to Match, and at the bottom of their front page is some kind of ad for Dr. Phil. So back to eHarmony.

And hey, why not? They do match you on 29 dimensions of something or other. And if there are three things I trust in this world, it's a soft-spoken but mildly creepy old man claiming that he can help me find the love of my life, psychology, and programmers writing code to match me up with said love of my life.

As far as the latent homophobia? Well, maybe with their supposed system they just don't feel like they have the expertise to be making matches for homosexual couples. Already an apologist, yeah, but at least I'm not aligning myself with Dr. Phil.

It's only been a few days so far, but not much luck at this point. Got a couple decent matches, like a girl who is around my age and is 4'8", but she wasn't interested. Today one of my new matches that showed up was a very cute Japanese girl who unfortunately lives in Canada. Still waiting to hear back from her but not exactly holding out a ton of hope there.

So yeah, that was probably ninety bucks wasted. If anything comes of this endeavor you will all be the first to know, because fire and brimstone will start raining from the sky and Jesus will make his long-awaited return appearance.

I really hate boxing. Yeah, that's right, I don't "get" the sweet science. That's because the sweet science is fucking boring. I saw live boxing once in my life, and that was during a horrible night in Vegas. I didn't think it was possible to have a horrible night in Vegas (at least, not with how I roll), but it is and boxing played a part in that.

About the only thing boxing has going for it is Oscar de la Hoya. How does a guy get to be that good-looking, especially when his job is to get punched in the head? He is definitely on my list of men I'd have sex with if for some reason I was forced to have sex with a man and had the choice of which man to have sex with. He's on the list with Clive Owen and Orlando Bloom. I guess I'll put Matt Damon on there too since I apparently go for that boyish look (Clive being the exception). Contrast this to ETP who goes for that more rugged look.

Anyway... Jay Mohr, however, did manage to make boxing amusing for a few minutes this week with his latest column.

Everyone knows that I hate explaining the joke (because when you do it's, just... life's not worth living), but if you're wondering about the origin of my new posting name, here you go.

Not to stupid teenage parents: if you don't want your kid, you either A) head that off at the pass with an abortion (while you can still have one) or B) go the adoption route. Dumpsters and Sterilite containers constitute an epic fail on your part, so don't fucking do it.

Sure, teenage pregnancy is hot until you have one on your hands, but there's no excuse for anything ending up this way.

Also, composite sketch artists should probably start looking for a new line of work. I realize the artist in this case was probably working off of a badly decomposed body, but that might be one reason to punt on the whole endeavor. I mean, c'mon, the real pictures show a cute little girl, and the sketches show Dakota Fanning. And we already know how I feel about her.

Boldly go back to where we just were

As a follow-on to that last post, here are a couple of links if, like me, you are inexplicably obsessed with the look of LCARS (either you know what that is or you don't) interfaces and their omnipresent Okudagrams. Well, what drives the obsession is probably not so much the visual appeal as opposed to just trying to pretend I'm living on Star Trek. You know, where I would be a total bad-ass with cool technology instead of being a huge pussy who blogs.

Here is a site that's a bit light on content at this point but still has some decent stuff that could end up as background wallpaper. On this page's "Download Gallery" section there's all kinds of cool shit, such as LCARS images, starship images, and (my fave) LCARS animations (some including sound!).

Dorks with cash

So someone recently put together a home-theater setup designed to look like the bridge of the Enterprise-D from Star Trek: The Next Generation. It looks pretty decent, but for the size of the room their screen looks pretty small. And I've got some reservations about the seats that are behind the tactical rail:


All I can say is that I'm not getting stuck sitting back there.

The additional Trek-inspired bar and lounge areas are a nice touch, but still nowhere near as cool as Rob Zombie's pirate bar at his house (couldn't find a pic that did it justice, unfortunately).

While this is a pretty nerdy thing to do, some points are lost because

“We initially considered the original Starship Enterprise, NCC-1701,” says Hoover. “With a more updated look, Enterprise NCC-1701A was selected as it depicted a grander version of the ship.”

As I already mentioned, that's the 1701-D, not the A. I don't know if the owner of this installation looked over this article before it went out, but still, there's no excuse for that.

I'm sure I linked this before but in a similar vein there was a guy a ways back who re-did his flat in a Next-Gen theme. To me that looks pretty awesome, if for no other reason the Okudagrams all over the place. The style and design choices are pretty decent although questionable in some places. My biggest issue is that everything is so fucking dark.

Unfortunately for this guy he started a company to do conversions like this for other people but ended up going bankrupt. Probably just as well, the last thing I need is that temptation floating around out there. Of course, with enough money you can do pretty much anything you want, but maybe fortunately I'm not at that point yet.

Meanwhile, there's some fascist shit going on in Pakistan that's not getting a whole lot of run over here. No big deal; it's not like they have nukes or anything. I know, I know, they're an important ally in The War Against Terror (TWAT).

Diplomats said John Negroponte had delivered a very strong message for an end to Pakistan's state of emergency.

Yeah, when you're dealing with a dooshebag like Pervez Musharraf, send in another huge d-bag.

He demanded an explanation for his portrayal in the Western media in recent months.

"Did I go mad? Or suddenly, my personality changed? Am I Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde?" he asked.

In recent months? This guy apparently pays as much attention to the news as Bush does.

"Have I done anything constitutionally illegal? Yes, I did it on 3 November," he said, referring to his imposition of emergency rule. "But did I do it before? Not once."

And he has a level of arrogance that would make Cheney proud.

Not that we didn't already know this, but Saudia Arabia is pretty awesome. Even Jack McCoy thinks that's fucked up.

So I made a made a discovery this week, and that is that one of Gorbachev's granddaughters, Anastasia Virganskaya Gorbachev, is one of the hottest girls alive. I'd like to introduce you all to my new girlfriend:

That last post, now with links

Yeah, just noticed that I fucked up the last -- and most important -- link in my previous post. I'm sure Cracked is devastated to have not gotten that link from a blog no one is reading.

It's a well-known fact that humor is one of the most under appreciated art forms. I'm not talking the shit that I try and pass off for humor here at Fe. I'm talking about the kind of humor that takes talent and maybe even some practice to get good at.

We can see how underrated comedy is just through Hollywood. Take a look at the best picture category at the Oscars. Comedies are in the minority, and pretty much always a long-shot to win. And then there's all of the dooshebag comic actors who start doing dramatic roles just to win an Oscar and validate their careers which in some cases shouldn't need validation. Comedy is just not taken seriously.

Yes, I know the Oscars are a yearly autofellatio event for Hollywood and are total bullshit, but that lame-ass awards show serves as a nice microcosm of what I'm complaining about here. Although the fact that Jim Carrey will never win an Oscar is pretty sweet.

To me, if you can be educational and funny, that's awesome. If you can be poignant and funny, that's awesome. I also think that it's much harder to mix comedy with these other things, and of course no one in history has ever espoused such an earth-shattering opinion. Courtesy of Cracked, here are a couple of articles that demonstrate what a bad-ass comedy can be when it's done balls-out.

First up is a list of The Five Biggest Badass Popes. Entertaining and informative.

As a quick aside while we're on the subject of the Papacy, while I was on hiatus these past nine months I had an important revelation. I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.

For the next Cracked link, I'm not going to say much. Other than the fact that this is one of the most fucking awesome things I've ever read.

Reasons why Jews kick ass #112

I've pointed out on numerous occasions that if you believe in an invisible man in the sky then I think you're stupid. The Jews win some points back, though, thanks to their contributions to the world of comedy. The latest example of this is the Shmaltz Brewing Company, maker of HE'BREW: The Chosen Beer.

That is just too fucking awesome for words.

Looking at their list of places to buy HE'BREW, a liquor store right by my house carries their products. I don't recall seeing any of their beers but maybe I just wasn't paying much attention since I usually end up getting Guinness or Fuller's ESB. Hopefully they stock Messiah Bold.

If this guy is correct, then that's pretty fucking badass. A five-hundred-year-old painting and there's still shit like this that we haven't figured out about it? Hard fucking core.

Alright, so the thought of starting to discuss politics here once again kinda nauseates me, as it has done since the '04 election. But I still need to mention this, which is pretty much the final nail in the coffin of me backing Giuliani. I totally wanted to get behind that guy because I loved the idea of divided government with a Democratic congress and a Republican president who is socially liberal or at least moderate while maintaining some true Republican roots (i.e. not all this Jesus and big government crap). Plus there's a local sandwich chain (Deli Zone) which has an awesome sandwich they call "the Giuliani." Somehow I think that also factored in to me wanting to back Rudy because I'm dumb like that.

But yeah, Rudy just sucks. 9/11, 9/11, 9/11... Yeah, we get it. That's not so bad, though. What gets to me (and I know I've been over this before) is all the bullshit pandering. Kissing ass with Bush. Trying to convince the religious right that he's down with them. And of course, that scheme paid off handsomely with this endorsement. The best case scenario I could think of is that he's just bullshitting everyone to get support from Republicans who otherwise wouldn't support him and then he'll do whatever the fuck he wants after elected. But even then he's just another dooshebag saying whatever he needs to say to get elected.

Why can't we get another moderate Republican in the mix here? Sit your ass down John McCain. You phony fuck. I'm sorry, maverick. Seriously though, moderate Republicans are my favorite people in government right now. 'Cause think about it. Mid-right and far-right Republicans, you know how they're going to vote on everything. Party line, Bush, blah blah blah. In general the Democrats are gonna do the same on their side since they're doing what little they can to consolidate what little power they've managed to stumble into (gotta love those approval ratings guys and gals!).

Moderate Republicans, therefore, are the only ones we can hope for to shake things up a bit and not be 100% fucking predictable. Like usual with American politics, shit just keeps getting worse and worse, and we're not choosing based on who we want, but choosing based on who we don't want. And in the end everyone sucks anyway. Politics off.

Alright, I think the whole toy recall thing is getting out of control. Christ, are we gonna have to start recalling everything that might be harmful to kids? Like with most all these recalls (if not all of them), the only danger is through blatant product misuse.

Wednesday's recalls include about 7,200 "Big Red" Wagons imported by Northern Tool & Equipment Co. of Burnsville, Minn. Totaling about 405,700, the recalled children's products all had excessive levels of lead in their surface paint.

Although no illnesses connected to the toy car recall have been reported, lead is toxic if ingested by young children.

If your kid is ingesting his or her fucking wagon I think there are bigger issues. Shit, if they're just scraping paint off and eating it, that act alone is a fuckin' problem.

Scientists say a chemical coating on the beads, when ingested, metabolizes into the so-called date rape drug gamma hydroxy butyrate.

That is just fucking... Bizarre. I mean, what are the odds of that happening? I don't mean kids eating shit they're not supposed to, but the chemical coating getting converted to GHB after ingestion. I think this company deserves some kind of award. For something. Oh, and if you're expecting some kind of joke considering the GHB thing, forget it. It's too easy, and I need to cut back on that shit or I am gonna be the subject of the next recall.

Considering who I am and my opening to this post I know you're probably thinking that I'm thinking, to hell with these kids, if they're dumb enough to be putting this stuff in their mouth then just let Darwinism take its course. On one hand I'm like, yeah, kids should really be smarter. And if they're not, well, they might be doomed anyway.

But on the other hand, kids do stupid shit sometimes since they're, well, kids. Everyone makes mistakes and not all of them should carry the death penalty. Like did I ever tell you all about the time I spray painted my ass brown? I know I've told ETP 'cause it's like his most favorite story ever of mine but I can't remember if it's come up here or not.

I had to have been like four or five at the time. A neighborhood friend of mine and I got a hold of some spray paint somehow at my grandparents' house. And we proceeded to spray paint the fences, the shed, and, for some fucking reason, our asses. Lemme tell you, it was pretty awkward for my grandmother to have to be soliciting advice from others on how best to remove spray paint from a child's ass. I think I deserve some kinda bonus points for using the ever-appropriate color of brown.

Then there was another time that, for some reason, I had a pair of keys. And I was sitting there looking at an electrical socket. It had those two perfect slits, and I'm looking at the keys, and I was like hey, these must go in there. I got a good jolt from that, naturally, and this nice big blister on my hand. I remember crying my eyes out -- not so much from the pain but because I was worried the blister would catch fire. Why was I worried about that? I dunno, I'd just stuck two keys in an electrical socket, what the fuck do you want from me? I'm not sure if this incident played a part in me eventually becoming an electrical engineer or not. To this day, though, I really do not like working anywhere near 120V AC.

So yeah, I'm kinda torn on which way to go here. I suppose for these kids who end up hurting themselves, if they don't die the first time and they don't learn their lesson and they do the same stupid shit again, then fuck it, let 'em die. But if not they might still grow up OK after all. I, for one, never spray painted my ass again or stuck keys in an electrical socket again. And what if I had died? What kind of travesty would it have been for the world to miss out on me?

In closing, I am of course obligated to link to this.