I need to go find something else to do, because this is getting out of control.

I am just feeling it right now. No, I'm not beating off, but who else out there remembers SkiFree?

In case you are feeling the urge to maximize your "awwwwwwww" you can also check out Cute Overload. Whatever you do, don't read the captions, just look at the pictures. Nothing kills cute faster than stupid.

Oh yeah and while I'm keeping up my dork street cred I should post a link to LOLTrek, where somebody went and did the original Star Trek episode "The Trouble With Tribbles" LOL-style.

plz tel me u iz not postin bout dis

I don't know why I find lolcats so funny but I do. In fact, I don't need to know why it's funny, I just need to know that it's funny. Dumb, but entertaining. I go back and forth between laughing:




And "awwwwwwwwwwwww":




Quite possibly even better is that someone has taken this meme (I fucking hate that word and am ashamed I used it) and turned it into a programming language. No, that's not a typo. How the fuck could you make a typo like that anyway? Get off my ass.

Seriously, this is fucking hilarious. Here's the ubiquitous "Hello World":

HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
VISIBLE "HAI WORLD!"
KTHXBYE

Mix in some file I/O:

HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
PLZ OPEN FILE "LOLCATS.TXT"?
     AWSUM THX
          VISIBLE FILE
     O NOES
          INVISIBLE "ERROR!"
KTHXBYE

And of course we gotta be able to do basic flow control:

HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
I HAS A VAR
IM IN YR LOOP
     UP VAR!!1
     IZ VAR BIGGER THAN 10? KTHX
     VISIBLE VAR
IM OUTTA YR LOOP
KTHXBYE

If you have read this far, and you are not a dork, you don't need to know why this is funny, you just need to know that it's funny. KTHXBYE

Quite possibly the best Slashdot sig ever:

Even Jesus hates listening to Creed.

When I read stories like this, I'm not exactly sure how to react. Okay, well if you've been here long enough, and I mean really really long enough (holy fuck it has been over five years), you know what my initial reaction is. Old FUCKING SERIAL KILLER DUDE lands himself a hot, way younger girl. I'm not banging 20-year-olds and I'm not even 30 yet, so why should he be? Okay maybe he technically isn't unless if he gets conjugal visits but you know what I mean.

On the other hand, holy Hell, why the fuck would I want a bitch that gorram stupid anyway?

You know those people who think they see the image of Jesus or Mary in random patterns and objects? Yeah don't ya just hate those ignorant cretins? Well at least they are good to make fun of.

The Lord or not that and nothing else will ever be able to top this:


That, of course, was ripped off from the late Crapmaster. After all these years (holy fuck it has been four years) the internet still sucks even more than it normally would without him around.

Finally, www.clownpenis.fart may become a reality.

Just to make sure we don't get too serious or anything, here's something mindless. A couple of days ago I came across a poll the Sun-Times is running, asking who's hotter, Cubs fans or Sox fans. You know, there's really not a whole lot better than a good-looking girl in Cubs gear. Unfortunately for us north-side faithful, by sheer numbers at least, the Sox apparently have us beat on this one. Well, either that or the hot Cub fans have something better to do than submit their pics to some ridiculous online poll. You know, like having sex.

Even if the numbers favor the Sox, quality always beats quantity. The world was set right when I came across this girl:


If for a moment we pretended that we live in a horrible world where the sailor schoolgirl uniform never existed, what you see above just might be the sexiest getup ever. Obviously a nice getup is wasted if what it's getting on isn't nice, but she's clearly got that taken care of. As if I really need an excuse to go, now I need to make a trip to Chicago to find this girl, since that wouldn't be, you know, A) difficult and B) creepy stalker shit.

Unfortunately, though, my new dreamgirl goes down in defeat once Soxman shows up:


You know what makes that extra sad? The guy on the left? Loser.

Saw this about a half hour ago. And yeah, that sucks. On one hand, though, I can't feel too bad. The guy had a helluva run. Denis Leary once referred to Carlin as "the Babe Ruth of comedy," and that's about as succinct as it gets. On the other hand, though, I got very sad for a moment when I thought about no more HBO specials, no more standup.

At this point a lot of people would say "rest in peace," but neither "rest" nor "peace" sound right for ol' George, and that's how it should be. But if there's an afterlife, which there isn't, I know Carlin is kickin' it with Twain and Lenny Bruce right now.

So the British counterpart to the TSA is apparently run by Megatron. It's OK though; they know what they're doing over there.

Either I posted this before or I meant to, 'cause it succinctly describes how I feel about politics right now. Obama more or less locked up the nomination; yank yank, squirt squirt. Can the Democrats please move on to their next abomination now? You know, like losing in November.

Wow, yeah. So... Stupid much?

Slightly creepy, yet amusing.

I'm really not sure what to think about this. On one hand, I'm about to get pissed, 'cause that's just fucking stupid. On the other hand, I haven't cared about Kombat for like a decade since the series has pretty much sucked since going 3-D, so why would I get worked up over this?

This just seems like such a dumbass idea, but what the fuck do I know. I mean, look at how successful Kingdom Hearts was. Seriously though, Disney + Final Fnatasy = Stupid. That's what I fucking know. And I know this, because Tyler knows this.

Just take a look at that picture. A stare-down between Sub-Zero and Batman.

Dude.

And I'm sure they are gonna be pussing out in some way or other when it comes to fatalities even if they aren't getting rid of them. If that ends up being the case, then Shortpacked! has already gotten that covered.

What makes Mortal Kombat Mortal Kombat is magical moves

What, you mean like four low kicks as a freaking combo? Actually that was pretty awesome, if for no other reason the sheer balls of including that. Man, I wish my N64 wasn't fucked up, 'cause I'd love to bust out some Trilogy right now.

More or less just for ETP's sake I'm going to reference this post, which sweet fucking Christ is nearly four years old. Looking back I think the most amusing thing in there is that, DOA games aside, I never got a single fucking one of those games mentioned.

Yup, all I do is blog about webcomics here. Another new one: A Softer World. Sometimes weird, sometimes sad, sometimes thoughtful, oftentimes funny. They're really not a fan of boundaries, either. Be sure to mouse over each comic to get that little pop-up text; half the time the best joke is in that text. A sampling:

Horticulture
Beauty
Art
Having fun
Asking for it
Super powers
Dares
Onion-esque picture choices
Boobs
Mr. Z
Positive thinking
Making your mark
Pacifism
Smooth operator
Religion

And my favorite:
Celebration

Cracked list: 9 Devices That Are Clearly Compensating for a Small Penis.

That led me to another list, Liberal Guilt Justified: 6 Creepy Mail Order Bride Websites.

That further led me to spend too much time perusing ads on Anastasia-International.com. I refuse to believe that that many good-looking girls are having that much trouble finding a guy or getting out of their country or whatever. But maybe. Either way the whole mail-order-bride thing isn't off the table.

I at least need to mention that the site is based in Bangor, Maine.

Another reason I'm not buying into that site, even if it's as reputable as they're likely to get (which isn't saying much), is 'cause it seemed like there were about five different names that all of them had. Natalia, Anastasia, Irina, Elena, Ekaterina... All really lovely names but surely girls are given a wider variety of names over there. Like usual I'm probably exaggerating but it seemed that way at one point.

Another name that popped up a lot was Olga, a name I've never been a fan of. Then I saw an Olga who was really cute but as I'm looking at her profile "Olie the Goalie" popped into my head and it was over.

My life is sad. I've made a serious effort to stay away from chat rooms for a whole week now. Every night or other time I'm alone I'm like "what the fuck am I gonna do?" Luckily there is the rest of the internet and usually you can find something pointless to kill inordinate amounts of time.

I killed most of yesterday reading mental_floss. If you read that site regularly you will become awesome at Trivial Pursuit. If you are already awesome at Trivial Pursuit you will become awesomer.

One tangent I got off on for quite awhile was thanks to this article on a Library of Congress collection of color photos from the late 30s and early 40s. You can find all 1600 or so of them here.

Today I have sucked up a bunch of time plowing through the archives of The Book of Biff. I've linked this comic before but it's worth doing again.

So one new trend that infuriates me is Twitter, where you post short little blurbs about what you are doing at the moment for others to follow. The only solid use I can see for this is people who are so fucking self important that they think that others actually give a flying fuck as to what they're doing at any point in time.

I think the first place I saw Twitter used was over at Megatokyo. He started using Twitter and a log of his most recent completed updates whereas he used to have a progress indicator that gave an ETA for when the next comic would be finished. Funny how that was useful and Twitter isn't.

Only an asshole would use Twitter. So in case it's not obvious, I'm using Twitter now.

So has anyone been following this, AKA the most fucked up story ever? If you put together a list of worst human beings ever that guy has gotta figure pretty prominently, and I think that holds even if you include guys like Hitler and Stalin. And how 'bout that wife of his? If she really had no clue for nearly two and a half freaking decades then she's up there with the stupidest people ever.

Here is one of those articles where I really just don't have to say anything about how utterly fucking ridiculous it is. For the hell of it though I will reference an earlier rant which I just re-read and found pretty funny.

Thanks to the A.V. Club's Tolerability Index I've discovered yet another affront to all mankind: Miss Bimbo, virtual fashion game! The game is apparently targeted at girls ages 9-16.

Yes, I will be doing my best not to make the usual jokes I tend to make, and I'd appreciate it if you'd pretend I'm someone else for the remainder of this post.

So anyway, here's Wikipedia's rundown of the game:

The aim of the Miss Bimbo beauty contest game, which was launched in the United Kingdom in February 2008, is to make your virtual "bimbo" attractive and famous. Players create a virtual person and compete against other players to earn "bimbo" dollars. These dollars are used to take one's character partying or to purchase new clothes. The players are given assignments, such as gaining plastic surgery at the game's clinic to give their character bigger breasts. They used to have to keep their character at its target weight using diet pills, however, due to the massive negative media attention it has received, that option has been eliminated.

Boob jobs and diet pills in a game for kids. That's pretty solid. Here is an article that sheds some more light on the game:

Level 7
After you broke up with your boyfriend you went on an eating binge! Now it’s time to diet . . . Your target weight is less than 132lbs

Level 9
Have a nip and tuck operation for a brand new face. You’ve found work as a plus-size model. To gain those vivacious curves, you need to weigh more than 154lbs

Level 10
Summertime is coming up and bikini weather is upon us. You want to turn heads on the beach don’t you?

Level 11
Bigger is better! Have a breast operation

Level 17
There is a billionaire on vacation . . . You must catch his eye and his love! Good luck

I guess the fact that one of the goals is to become a plus-sized model adds some balance. Maybe? I don't fucking know.

Look, I try to take a middle ground when it comes to stuff like this. I'm obviously not one of those people who does things like always yell "think of the children" and feel that an exposed breast will scar kids for life. On the other hand, I'm not like all those Slasholes who sarcastically tag every article about online child safety with "thinkofthechildren" and who don't realize there are real dangers out there.

With rubbish like this, of course, many of us are like "Hey, where are the parents?" Fair enough; parents need to have their shit together and try to instill healthy attitudes in their kids. But of course even some of the ones who really do put forth serious effort are going to have difficulties with all of the crap that's out there. I'm not saying that things like this are solely responsible for problems like eating disorders, but they sure as hell don't help.

With all of the garbage that girls and women are bombarded with every day I am continually amazed that any of them turn out to be functional at all. Us guys complain about how women are fucking nuts but sometimes can you really blame them? Not to give all you ladies carte blanche here but honestly us guys really just can't understand because we aren't faced with shit like this from the age of nine (if not earlier).

More from that article linked above:

Its introduction came as research showed that children as young as 6 were developing acute eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. Yesterday it emerged that increasing numbers of teenagers were undergoing breast enlargement surgery.

Is this shit actually happening? Of course I'm speaking rhetorically. I mean the notion of girls getting implants isn't news, although it is fucking appalling. Granted, my views on this subject are apparently not in line with Miss Bimbo. Or a lot of others for that matter. And the notion of six-year-olds with eating disorders is not exactly surprising but just sad and depressing. Exactly how fucked up are we that this is where we're at?

Leveraging a line from Chris Rock, in conclusion to the girls and women out there: I'm not saying you should be as crazy as you are, but I understand.

So, is this gonna become a new trend (if it isn't already; I live under a rock)? I hope not. Us guys all love to see girls fighting but that's not what we're talking about.

I guess it shouldn't really be a surprise to see this kind of stuff, though. While we expect this kind of cretinism out of guys we all know that girls are the truly vicious ones. Combine the internet plus the stupidity of youth plus the fact that all girls and women hate each other and here's the end result.

Never fully understood why all women hate one other, I just know it's true. At some point or other if you know a girl she will inevitably say this: "I have more guy friends than girl friends." Now of course that isn't necessarily indicative of hatred but I think it's a clue. Is it some sort of competition thing? Really though in the end what is there to compete for? Guys? I suppose that makes some evolutionary sense but trust me ladies we're not worth it. And don't worry I'm not forgetting lesbians; they're obviously a different case since they are wired differently, ERRR, have made alternative lifestyle choices (speaking of cretinism...).

Hey, you know, that actually brings me to a decent conclusion to this post. For myriad reasons I am probably of zero credibility to be giving this advice but I'm going for it anyway. Note to young girls: please stop beating the hell out of schoolmates just to be bitches and post it on the internet. If you want to do something interesting and post it on the 'net to get a bunch of attention, might I suggest lesbianism instead?

So I'm reading this earlier, and I'm like, man, that's messed up. There is just no excuse for people living like that in this day and age. Of course that's just appalling to me, but like any good citizen it's not like I'm gonna do anything about it. Although I'd think now those people might end up being some of the lucky ones -- they got on CNN and there's a decent chance that someone will throw some help their way. There are plenty more people like that out there who will never show up on CNN's front page and will continue to be forgotten. Which fits well with the rest of this post...

Immediately after reading that story, I read this.

"I just thought, 'If I go to another paint-a-ceramic-bowl or stuff-a-bear party, I'll shoot myself,'" says Kaster.

Please do.

Seriously, what the fuck does a three-year-old need with a birthday party and a goddamn fondue restaurant?

"We really promote a healthy balance of living year round"

Somehow I doubt that.

"but it's OK to indulge your child once a year, because it's about making a memory."

You know I could be wrong, but I could swear I learned somewhere that kids don't really start to remember shit until they're like five.

"I didn't think all 16 would come, but they did, and it was $15 a person," she said. Add in the cake, favors, pizza and soda, and Forstrom spent over $1,000.

"After we got the bill I was like, 'Oh my God!' It was more expensive than fixing the dog's broken leg.

I don't know why, but I just find it hilarious that the dog's broken leg is the first thing this woman thinks of when making a price comparison.

This year, Kaster decided to try a slightly simpler approach. For Sophie's party, she booked a small theater that does plays for children, hand-decorated a sheet cake from the supermarket, and got inexpensive favors from a discount store. The whole event cost less than $500."

Okay lady, you got it together and backed off, I guess I'll rescind my suggestion to shoot yourself.

Look, I can understand how parents could easily get out of control with this stuff. If I had kids, and the money, I'd spoil them rotten. I'd do egregiously excessive stuff like this if I had the means. And if I would do it, you know what that means for anyone who actually does? EPIC FAIL.