Alright, so I sat through the series finale of Enterprise last night. Jolene "Big Lips" Blalock -- who has been very vocal about her unhappiness with things like the show's writing -- described the finale as "fucking appalling" in an interview. I'd describe it as... Fucking appropriate.

On Friday, they showed two episodes. The first one wasn't really any kind of lead-in to the second and final, so it wasn't like all the other recent Trek series that got the two-hour finale treatment. Clearly, after all that hard work they've been doing raping the franchise for the past four seasons, they couldn't be bothered to write a finale that big.

The sad thing about the finale was that it wasn't even an episode of Enterprise -- it was an episode of The Next Generation. I'm not kidding. It takes place at the same time as another Next Gen episode from season 7, "The Pegasus." In it, one of Riker's former captains, now an admiral, comes on board and starts a bunch of shit. Riker is all conflicted, torn between his duty to the chain of command and his loyalty to Picard, blah blah blah. In the finale of Enterprise, Riker is working through the issues of "The Pegasus" by fucking around on the holodeck.

Yup, the last episode of Enterprise isn't even real in a sense. That's pretty appropriate; it gets better (or worse, depending on your perspective).

In his little holodeck excursion, Riker is watching events taking place six years after the second-to-last episode of Enterprise. At this point, the ship is about to be decommissioned and the Federation charter is going to be signed. By watching and interacting with the holodeck recreation of all this shit, Riker is supposed to get some kind of insights into command. The whole ridiculous exercise is, naturally, Counselor Troi's idea. Counselor Troi, quite possibly the most worthless character in Star Trek (yes, he's hiding something, Deanna, thanks for the help), played perfectly by a shitty actress.

I love Next Gen and all, but yeah, a lot of the acting isn't exactly what you'd call a tour de force. Marina Sirtis definitely led the pack on that one. Jonathan Frakes was always pretty good, though; he played Riker perfectly. Nowadays, though, he is looking a little worse for wear. He's put on some weight, and throughout the whole Enterprise series finale, he just looked tired. They could have just gotten Jay-Z to play the part, because that guy always looks like he needs a nap. Sirtis, on the other hand, is just fucking decaying. She just looks scary now, although that's partly due to all the goddamn makeup they cake on her. So of course, you can imagine what's going on beneath that paint job.

As far as Enterprise goes, about the only character I really cared about was Trip Tucker, the Chief Engineer. Sad when the hick on the show is its best character, but he really was. He's the show's best character, so what do they do with him in the finale? They kill him off, of course! All that shit and Trip dies at the very end. How very... Appropriate.

The final moment of appropriateness came at the end, when Riker gets pretty much to the end of the saga. Scott Bakula is about to give his big speech to the gathering of delegates at the founding ceremony. Of course, we don't even get to see the speech, but that's par for the course. Right as he's about to start, Riker ends the holodeck program, saying that he was going to go talk to Captain Picard and tell him what he's been hiding from him. That's... Fucking bullshit. I just saw "The Pegasus" a couple weeks ago, and that's not how shit went down. Riker didn't suddenly go to Picard and come clean. He let Picard know what was going on at a critical moment in the episode when the information he had was suddenly vital to the ship's survival. There was no indication in the action leading up to that moment that he was planning to fess up.

Yes, I know, maybe Riker was on his way to talk to Picard and he got interrupted, blah blah blah. The point is, had the Enterprise writers not been so fucking lazy, maybe they could have made things fit in better. You know, maybe they could have watched "The Pegasus" instead of just saying "Hey, this sorta fits" and calling that good enough. Oh, and all of this really isn't a complaint, by the way; I'm happy that the Enterprise writers handled it in this manner. It goes along perfectly with their continual disregard for established story lines. It was one final "fuck you" to continuity.

Star Trek is off the air now, for the first time in forever, and I'm very sad to say that I'm very happy about that. I didn't think it could get worse than Voyager, but oh yes it could, and it did. The powers that be who are in charge of the franchise are indicating that it will be years before Trek is back on TV, so that's good (assuming the time is used to come up with some new ideas for Trek, if that's even possible). Rick Berman supposedly has an idea for a new movie which sounds like total shit, but hopefully they don't let him do that. I would think that it's pretty unlikely after how poorly Nemesis did, plus it sounds like Trek has fallen out of favor over at Paramount. I guess being the first Trek series cancelled in over 35 years will do that to you.

I wish Shao Khan were here so that he could say "outstanding."

I hope the new Assbox is good. As much as I dislike Microsoft, I have to admit, they did a pretty good job with the XBox. It beats the shit out of the GayStation and LameCube, that's for sure. Actually, maybe I should be hoping that XBox 2 sucks ass so that I don't have to spend money on it since, yeah. And for fuck's sake, could they have come up with a stupider name? Probably, which is sad.

What is this stupid "word verification" thing that's showing up (seemingly at random) at the bottom of the create post form on Blogger? Are they worried that I'm going to set up a bot to automatically shit out tons and tons of posts without my knowledge or something? I can't be bothered to go and research what fucking crap is up with Blogger now.

Everyone knows that I hate bumperstickers. I don't care what kind of dog you have. I don't care who you voted for. I don't care if you're pro-choice or pro-life. I hate all of you dipshits even if I'm on your side. I know what I believe, and you're wrong.

Another thing I hate is vanity plates. I just don't see the fucking point, other than, once again, you think that you are way cooler than you actually are. But seriously, you're retarded, and your vanity plate isn't cute or funny or clever. I'll bet a bunch of these fucks are Christians, too. We say "vanity," but that's really just a form of pride, one of the seven deadly sins. Other than knowing that they would be burning in Hell over a license plate if any of that stupid bullshit was true, there's one other thing that does amuse me with those dumbass plates. I'll bet there comes a point when the person with their plates -- which they thought were so bloody special -- realizes just how lame they really are. Not only does their car have something dumb emblazoned on it for the rest of the world to see, but they're stuck with it unless if they go through the effort of having it changed.

And before you ask, yes, I considered getting vanity plates for the Bimmer. I was tempted to get something that had "ZHP" in it, but in the end, I didn't go for it.

I did see a couple of vanity plates that I had to give a slight bit of credit to this past weekend. One read "1IN1E6." At first I just ignored it. Then I was like, what the fuck does that mean? I thought about it for a second. Okay, 1IN -- one in. 1E6? Uhhhh... Oh yeah, one times ten to the sixth. One million. One in a million. Yeah, it's fucking stupid, but I don't think I've ever seen (intentional) scientific notation on a license plate before, so that gets a point or two.

The other plate I saw simple read "PUKE." Yup, that's it -- PUKE. It wasn't even an atrociously shitty car or anything, just this late-model blue Honda Civic that was in good condition. ETP suggested that maybe the name of the guy driving the car was Puke, pronounced "Pooh-kay." I'm guessing it wasn't. Puke.

So back in the day, I used to post. A lot. As a result, the main column of my front page was huge. It more than easily dwarfed all the crap on the sidebar. That isn't happening anymore, so a change has been needed for quite some time. I clearly couldn't get rid of the contact info, because oh-so-many people have gotten in touch with me. I'm not going to remove the guestbook or its links, because we know what a bastion of enlightenment that has been (and will continue to be). Remove the J-List ads? Nope. Sellout. Can't get rid of the "Praise" section just because. I'm not changing my archiving frequency, even though monthly makes more sense for current posting frequencies.

So you know what suffers? Well, more specifically, who: the readers. I long since gave up on trying to keep up with the handful of new linkers that show up every now and then. By the time Technorati got their shit together and made it feasible again, I just didn't care. But that list I had already built up has gotten fucking intractible, so it has come time to clean a lot of those links out. Not all of them, but quite a few. For anyone getting dropped, don't think of this as, ah, you know what? Fuck it. I think we're all much more comfortable with me just leaving things at "ungrateful bastard."

But like I said, they're not all gone. Some 'blogs have kind of an emeritus status thanks to their owners for one reason or another. Some 'blogs stick around just because I like the title. Yes, as always, I'm playing some favorites. Aside from that nonsense, my main policy from here on out is to put 'blogs up there for linkers who actually contribute to this shitpile I call Fuck everything in the form of comments, e-mails, whatever. I tried to remember people who have commented or done something in fairly recent memory, but there's a chance that I may have forgotten some shit since my memory's not what it used to be. You know, they say that masturbation will cause hair to grow on your palms, but apparently it causes hair to grow on your brain.

If for some reason you actually care and you're all bent that you got removed unfairly, feel free to make your case. Don't worry, sucking my dick isn't as bad as it might initially sound.

This is just another chapter in the story of the biggest fucking cocktease ever. I'll bet you it's not even funny when/if it comes back.

Ask Bitch and ye shall receieve. Maybe.

You'll pay for the whole seat but you'll only need the eeeeeeeeeedge!!!!!!

Okay, it's official: the guestbook has gotten away from me. The Fe guestbook isn't human... It doesn't feel pain... It can't be reasoned with! Seriously, I don't know who needs help more -- me or people who actually waste all that time fucking around in other peoples' guestbooks. And I say this knowing full well how sick I am -- sadly, after all this time, you have no real idea. Well, except that it's all in my head. Not sure about those stems in the 'book, though.

Nutscrape search lazy shit blah blah:

animated dinosaur fucking fuck sex fucker

I'm almost tempted to run that search and see what comes up.

Google search:

WHITE CASTLE STORE FINDER

I'll refer you to the previous post concerning Spam.

Okay, so GMail has started including brief text ads at the top of each message listing. The content of the ads, as expected, are dependent on the context of the page you're viewing. As such, when you go to look at your Spam listing (which I often do to make sure no legit e-mails have gotten thrown in there), it now always lists a Spam recipe at the top of the page as the advertisement. I don't know why it doesn't try and read the rest of the page (so I can get more ads about fake Rolexes and dick pills); I'm guessing Hormel and/or some fucking recipe site cut some kind of deal so that something related to Spam shows up no matter what.

Up until this shit started, Spam (as in mail) was just an annoyance, but now I fucking hate it. Well, it and Google. Thanks to those two shitheads, I now get to see some fucking blurb encouraging people to make things with Spam (as in food... and speech). It's fucking disgusting, and I'd really like it to stop. The last thing I want to be thinking about is the disgusting non-meat that is Spam. Here's a little sampling of what shows up now:

Spam Primavera - Toss with linguini, serve immediately

Yeah, serve immediately... Or never. Why don't we all just take a dump on our pasta and call it a day?

I made the mistake of seeing Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy tonight. Should be a huge surprise to everyone that I hated it. You know, I never read the book, so that could be part of my experience this evening being summed up by saying "Well, there's two more hours of my life that I can't get back." Well, that's actually most if not all of the reason for me not enjoying it. Had I read the book when I was younger, I might have been more inclined to get on board with the somewhat juvenile humor, the kookiness just for the sake of being kooky, and the ridiculous use of language that gave us long strings of semi-big words that when put together had no real meaning (pan-dimensional blahbitty-blah, etc.). But I didn't, and I wasn't.

Or maybe reading the book wouldn't have helped. As we all know, any movie based on a book will inevitably lead to someone (and by someone, I mean everyone who's read the book) saying that "the book was much better." On that front, I defer to Jim Gaffigan: "What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."

Overall, my biggest issue is that the movie -- and I suspect the book -- is not as clever as it clearly thinks it is. Yes, it appeals to dorks because it's trying to be all weird and "out there," but that right there is a formula for crap, and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy delivers on that front.

Oh, and I almost forgot another huge gripe. Towards the end of the movie, the two main characters find -- what else? -- the Fifth Element. Seriously, I have just about fucking had it with love being the "big point," or at least one of the big points, in movies. Could you be any more trite? No, no you could not. Oh, and before anyone starts going off about how I don't like love and romance and all that nonsense just because I'm lonely and bitter, go fuck yourself. I'm fine with that crap when it's done right, but seemingly no one ever does it right except for lonely Japanese pedophiles (read: people who make anime) and probably a couple of others. I've been known to get misty-eyed over the decent stuff. Don't look at me.

If finding out that the main characters fall in love and live happily ever after really pisses you off, then please, smack yourself across the face. If you can't see that coming in a Hollywood movie, well, no further explanation is needed.

ETP read the book when he was younger, and from his description of some of the characters and thematic elements, the book does seem slightly better. But I'm still not reading it, so that saves me a little bit of time.

The movie had one good line: "Let me handle this -- I'm British. We know how to queue." There were lots of other lines that came close to being good, but didn't quite make it. Oh, and for anyone who's seen it or is familiar with the characters, let's just get this out of the way: "But what about Marvin? He's all depressed and shit and he hates everything! Surely you liked that." Once again, we have a case of people thinking that they "get" me, when they don't. Marvin bordered on funny a few times, but that schtick just got old really quickly. Maybe I could take a lesson from that, but again, go fuck yourself.

Being what this is, a movie for dorks based on some dork property, it allows said dorks to come out of the woodwork and really let their talents shine. Despite the fact that there were all of maybe ten people who weren't us in the theater, there was still a contingency of stupid fucks in their bathrobes, passing out towels and announcing how they'll be doing a poetry reading later on. All I can say is fuck you, chief. Fuck you as hard as possible in the ass with something very large and cumbersome that makes liberal use of hot metal and glass shards. God damn it, I wish I wasn't such a fucking pussy and would start saying this kind of stuff when people start acting up. Or maybe not, because I'll get myself killed pretty quickly. You may see that as something good; I do not.

Look, I'm not trying to be some kind of elitist, even though I am. I'm an engineer, I like Star Trek, I have a DVD shelf packed with anime titles, and my house has an entire room that was designed at the outset to be filled with toys. My dork credentials are well in order, but all the same, fuck those people.

You want something positive? Fine, here's something positive. There's something I find very cute about the lead actress, Zooey Deschanel, despite having quite possibly the goofiest fucking name ever. Maybe it's the dark hair/blue eyes combination or that she has this kind of nerdy and maybe even attainable quality to her; I don't know. I cared a great deal for that one part where she was in like these blue running shorts and knee-high argyle socks. But really, that coupled with the queue joke was all that this movie had going for it, and those things aren't enough to justify making, selling, or watching this movie.

Let's see how it rates:

Goofy language: -5
Cleverness: -5
Romantic denouement: -5
Allowing dorks to come out and think they're cool when, in fact, they still are not: -50
Knee-high argyles and blue eyes: +2

Total score: -63

Yeah, that sounds like a steaming pile of quality to me.

I guess I was wrong and -- if I'm to believe the bastion of quality that is CNN -- there has been a big story these past couple of days. I know people are gonna be all fascinated by this, but I don't see why anyone would should give a fuck. Some crazy cunt doesn't want to get married so she runs off and makes up this elaborate story about getting kidnapped. Yay, time to wet ourselves with excitement over the stupid crap. Seriously, that woman has got to be off her rocker, at least if that picture of her is any indication.

And how about the shot of the fiance? I'm guessing there are about a million thoughts and emotions going through his head, and that sometime after finding out his non-bride-to-be was found OK, he could be heard muttering a bunch of mostly incoherent crap but still audibly saying something including "snap that bitch's neck." You know, or maybe I'm just projecting. I hope this goes away soon, but it won't.

"She says the wedding is not called off, just postponed."

Right. If this marriage ends up going through anytime soon, yeah, I'm guessing it'll be a pretty solid union. And if they're even allowed to marry, then fuck that. Stupid fucks can get hitched, but better not let those fags get married and sully the fine institution of marriage!

.. she "needed some time alone" before the wedding.

We all need time alone, but we usually don't worry throngs of people and tie up police resources just to get that time alone. All joking aside, this woman most likely needs some serious help in one form or another.

On a completely unrelated note that has a purpose which you will not see, Bill O'Reilly used to host Inside Edition, not A Current Affair.

Alright, so I've been out of town this past week, and that's the current reason for the lack of updates. In the coming weeks, we'll be back to the usual "I don't give a fuck" reason for little or no posting getting done. Not like I missed anything, anyway, since I'm pretty sure the world just stopped while I was gone (not that it hasn't been that way since, well, forever). Some bullshit in Iraq, some bullshit about Social Security, some crap about sports. Closets, a bedroom; I get it.

In liu of any substantive posting right now, I'll just point out that I made an update over at the Sailor Schoolgirl site for those so inclined.

The endless stream of bullshit that will come from all the ninnies will of course be annoying, but I don't care. This is a pretty clever idea. No escaping that the stems out there are going to start spouting their "What about the children!" nonsense, of course (as they already have). I'm hoping Midway made this game with the specific intent of pissing all those fuckers off.

That's the dangerous message: Drugs are OK, just don't overdo it.

Uhhh, isn't that true? Okay, I'll admit that I'm not really up to speed (no pun intended) when it comes to illegal drugs, but I know there's plenty of stuff out there that's just fine in moderation. Sure, some stuff you probably don't want in any amount, but the same can be said about legal shit, too. It's all nonsense anyway, and it's not like I'm breaking new ground with this. Liquor, cigarettes, and prescription drugs are okay, but that other stuff isn't. Alright.

As a quick aside, I really want to develop a prescription drug habit someday, because that strikes me as being the real high-class drug addition, and as we all know I'm down with yuppie crap.

"Prozac doesn't want to go up against marijuana it will lose."
- Bill Maher

"You get high?"
"I should start."
- Jay and Dante, Clerks

And this isn't really a quote, but Carlin's album Toledo Window Box.

Then, of course, there are these searches:

track, fuck,sugar

What?

Time to party like it's 1399

Okay, so I suppose we should get this over with. You know what I'm talking about. It's been over a day since those 115 senile motherfuckers failed to elect me Pope. Yuk it up, assholes; Pope Queer will have his day.

The Church is now under the control of an old, ignorant white man. Wow, these past few weeks were really worth it. I'm glad we put up with all that bullshit for the heaping mountain of change that we got dumped upon us yesterday. Actually, I should keep my mouth shut, since the new Pope could be a big change -- for the worse. Not sure how much worse we can get than a culture of rampant, unchecked pedophilia, women being below men, pushing the notion that condoms help spread AIDS, and oh-so-much more, but I have faith that the Catholic Church can pull it off.

I at least have no immediate qualms with him choosing the name Benedict. I hope that the next pope -- assuming it's not me -- takes the name "Arnold." But maybe that's just me.

If you want to hear a bunch of blithering idiots talking about this with a couple of unhappy worshippers mixed in, check out this shit. Also: Ratzinger looks stupid in his Pope hat.

People like this need to be shot. Seriously, if you're that fucking stupid, we don't need you.

Okay, you need to go check this out. Don't let the URL you're seeing as your mouse hovers over it scare you -- just trust me. Had this site e-mailed to me by (apparently) the runner of this site.

As we all know, about the only music I buy nowadays is either techno or game/anime soundtracks. I think I've ourgrown the need for the vast majority of lyrics, along with dumbass instruments that you can play. I wanna hear the result of someone punching fuckin' buttons, goddammit. Anyway, someone pointed me in the direction of Digitally Imported. I've been listening to the stream of the trance channel, and it's pretty neat. I'm always happy to find a new source for the electronic noise I crave.

"You know what else I'm sick of? Songs. There's too many of 'em"
- Carlin

Favorite phrase of the moment: cockblocking. The whole "wingman" thing has gotten old, however, mostly thanks to one fucking beer commercial.

Google search:

hot chick with rsx

I can promise you it won't be the Type-S.

Google search:

Gearshift Fuck

I don't think there's a (straight) guy alive who hasn't thought about and been intrigued by the idea of chicks fucking the gearshift lever in a car. Pragmatic and ergonimic issues aside, you just can't help but think to yourself oneday "Hmmm..." Now that I've revisited this, though, I'm thinking that it's not so hot. I mean, I really don't want to have my shifter getting all messy like that. I'm not sure if this is indicative of an improvement or a degredation in my thought processes.

It does what NintenDon't

Another game we busted out last night was Sonic The Hedgehog 2, part of the Sonic clusterfuck that you can buy nowadays for various systems. I haven't touched that game in years so I was sucking it up and couldn't get past the Metropolis Zone, thanks to those goddamn praying mantises and fucking Lobstra. Still, that level has quite possibly the coolest background music ever. It's right up there with the music for the first stage of Blaster Master. The Chemical Plant Zone's music is fucking harsh, too, but I'm not linking it because I've done enough for you as it is.

Just to pass on a link, this page has a bunch of MP3s from a handful of games. You have to go into their forums to get a username/password, but it's pretty painless (just click the post with the most recent date).

Also, does it fuck with anyone else that Sega now makes games that you can play on Nintendo?