Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Self-congratulatory bullshit

So what's this blog about? Bitching is pretty much the focus here. Oh, and if you're not a big fan of sarcasm, this place probably isn't for you. Not like any of this matters... I'm sure no one is going to read this crap, anyway.

Those were the all-too-mortal words written by me one year ago today. Yup, that's right, I've been shitting out this site for a whole year now. At current count, we're at 1046 comments and 22,167+ visits since late August (mostly from pedophiles who don't go by the acronym "BLM"), all on the strength of 1,769 posts. 1,769. Wow, I am just fucking wasting my life here, aren't I?

It's no surprise that this was my first actual post and my first posted link. Yup, we got started off by talking about underage poon, and then shortly thereafter moved on to bitching about the war, which (obviously) became a major theme around here.

The 'blog, from what I recall, was pretty much focused on politics, particularly goings on with the war and vitriol aimed at Team Bush. Things seemed to take a bit of a turn after this horrible feeling sorry for myself post. That kinda broke the ice on bullshitting about my stupid personal life (or at least, moreso than before), which made a nice addition to all the stupid bullshit ramblings about my personal opinions.

That didn't seem too bad or self-indulgent, because I was pretty sure that only ETP was ever going to read this regularly, mainly because I write this 'blog almost as if I were talking to him, with many a post and many a joke written solely for his (and of course my) amusement. ETP got John into reading, as well as BOETP. But I figured that was pretty much it, and that no one else was ever going to bother with this nonsense.

Things started to change back in August when I received a couple of e-mails, most notably from Jay, 'blogmaster of the now sadly defunct Marcellus Wallace's Bloody Gitch. It was then that I realized that people actually were coming here, and not just because they knew me personally. It all just kind of snowballed from there (and not the cum spit back into your mouth after a blowjob kind of snowball, either), and that's pretty much how we ended up where we are today.

It's been a good ride thus far. Things have changed in so many ways in the past year, and in so many ways they've stayed the same. And if you'll permit me one of my occasional sappy moments, thanks for reading. Fuck everything has always been amusing for me to write, but actually having some kind of readership has made it all the more interesting and fun. I would imagine that my readership will now drop to zero, either for disappointing everyone by being nice, or just out of spite because life fucking hates me.

Here's to year two!

Oh, and in commemoration of Fe's first anniversary, we're holding a press conference. Let's listen in, shall we?


Do you really think that starting this 'blog was such a great idea?

Starting this 'blog was motivated by several things. For one, total abject boredom at my internship. I didn't know it, but I was pretty much in the last month and a half in that job at the time I started, and I pretty much had nothing to do at work. So, this became a means for me to keep my worthless little self occupied in my cubicle. Also, the war had just broken out, and I was pretty pissed about that. What I'm trying to say is, basically, this whole 'blog is Bush's fault.

Who gave you the idea to do this bullshit, anyway?

Well, I had a couple of influences. I had been an avid reader of Wil Wheaton dot Net for quite some time, and I thought that was pretty neat. Then as the war broke out, the 'blog Where is Raed? started showing up in the news. I saw that and I was like, "Damn, I need to do something like that, only nowhere near as original, irreverent, or interesting."

Do you need to use so much foul language.

Shit yeah, ladies. Next fucking question.

Other than your need to be a potty mouth, why call the site Fuck everything?

I wanted the name to be all encompassing yet brief and still able to get across my world view. After a minute or so of thought, that's what came to mind, and there was no turning back.

Why "Bitter Little Man"?

Back in high school I had a bit of a reputation. Strange, I know. Even though I wasn't very social, everyone pretty much knew what a cranky little douche I am. There was one girl - who, oddly enough, I rarely ever hung out with - whose mother - who I'd never met - pinned the name "bitter little man" on me. That's how far my influence had spread: to people who didn't even fucking know me. Actually, this mother may have called me "little bitter man," but I think my way flows better. Besides, what the hell did she know? Not me, obviously.

You continually claim that "no one reads this piece of shit," but comments and your traffic log seem to imply otherwise.

We've been suffering from a string of bad intelligence.

You still realize that, as yet, no one cares, right?

Yeah, I'm pretty secure in that fact.

You talk a lot about things like underage girls, drinking habits, how small your penis is, and filthy, filthy sex. Do you think that maybe you should be keeping some of those things to yourself?

I think that we all face tough issues every day. The sooner we face them, the sooner we can conquer those issues and better ourselves as people.

No, seriously, people frown on Lolita complexes and incest jokes. You really oughta keep that on the down low, don't you think?

I think that we all face tough issues every day. The sooner we face them, the sooner we can conquer those issues and better ourselves as people.

Why are you so pissed off?

Many years ago, about the hottest girl who's ever actually talked to me in real life told me that I'm cute when I get mad. I think it's all been downhill since then. Okay, that's not really why. Yeah, that did happen, but as it turns out, I'm just an asshole.

So, where exactly are those weapons of mass destruction?

They're in my pants.

Wait a minute... I thought you've said before that you have a small penis. Your response here seems to imply otherwise.

I never specified the destruction my weapons are capable of, whether it's civilization as we know it or just the hopes of rich, satisfying sex for a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Surely there are plenty of people who have visited Fuck Everything and hated it. How do you respond to your critics?

I don't listen to people who don't like me.

Okay, some of this stuff has to be made up, right? I mean, it's just not possible for someone to suck this badly.

Nope, it's all true. I'm doing my damndest to bring up the rear of civilization. The sad thing is, there are still people trailing behind even me.

Any advice for aspiring or future 'bloggers?

If you're A) looking for advice on how to 'blog and furthermore B) looking for said advice from me, you've got bigger problems. You'd do good to just stick with concentrating on how not far you're going to go in life.

What do you hope to accomplish with this 'blog?

I appreciate your question. I certainly have no grand designs for this blog, as it is primarily a vehicle to keep myself entertained. It has been doing so for a year now, and there's no end in sight for that. As a secondary goal, I keep this going to amuse the handful of people who manage to put up with me in actual reality. The fact that people come here and find amusement for some reason or other (whether they're laughing at me or with me) is pretty neat, and here's to hoping that we can keep that going as well.

What has this 'blog taught you?

That people are fucked up. Not the everyday kind of fucked up that you see on the news, but the kind of fucked up that finds amusement in a bunch of foul language and statutory rape jokes. That, by the way, is not a bad thing in my book. That's the kind of "fucked up" I can really appreciate. Obviously.

What would you say is the essence of this 'blog?

Some people say that 'blogs are like a predator that stalks us all our lives. No, wait a minute... That was Captain Picard talking about Malcolm McDowell in Generations, and they were talking about time.

What can we expect from year two of Fuck everything?

Just read below to find the answer to your query.

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