Google search:

things to mastubate to

Um... Porn?

See, this is the kind of shit I was talking about. Here, you lazy little bastard, I'll help you out.

Then there's this mess. Some random points:

• If we do send in troops, why not forgo the marines and just send in Rockstar Games instead? We all know how much those people hate Haitians.


• I'm not sure if you can take seriously any rebellion led by a guy named Guy. Undoubtedly pronounced like the "gee" in "geese."


• You've gotta love that go-getter Kofi Annan. Shit's on fire; he appoints himself a special advisor.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

He... Really shouldn't have been invited in the first place. It's just like that one white guy doing commercials for MCI and hawking his shitty CD. I can't remember his name; James Fat Ass something-or-other. That's what I immediately think of when someone mentions Motown: white people.

"I hate white people."
- John Goodman on Roseanne

Gee, I hadn't completely dismissed this movie as farce from, you know, hearing about it, but this seals it.

I have made up my mind that I'd like to have sex with Romola Garai, though. I'm all about the freshly scrubbed prettiness.

Yeah, I'm sure they'll get what they need. Just ask the 9/11 commission how well things have been going for them.

Mistakes were made.

The board says that ``any evaluation of the causes and context of the current crisis must be cognizant of the fact that more than 80 percent of the abuse at issue was of a homosexual nature.''

As if the fact that there's something fundamentally fucked up with the Church and kids and being molested isn't infuriating enough, these dirty motherfuckers are actually using this shit as an anti-homosexual platform. That is just some sick, twisted shit right there. I have completely had it with these bullshit attempts to link homosexuality and pedophilia. No, that's not what they specifically said, but that's where they're going. We've been down this route all too many times.

There is a difference between homosexual acts and being a homosexual. For some people, those two things are impossible to separate. Well, those people are really fucking stupid. I'd say that most of the time, people do things of a "homosexual nature" because they're gay. But lots of times? It's just experimentation. You know, I could start blowing guys for fun, and that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gay. That doesn't change the fact that I'm attracted to women and not to men.

And no, guys, I'm not offering. Sorry.

Some people, though, can't separate "behaving" from "being." As such, if a man molests a little boy, he must be gay. Well, no. There are plenty of pedophiles out there, such as men who molest boys, who are actually heterosexuals. Some people are like "Penis on penis action is gay. To say otherwise doesn't make sense." Well, chief, they're fucking pedophiles. They're completely fucked up to begin with, so why are you expecting things to be perfectly cut and dry?

Up on CNN's front page right now is this poll question: do you support Rosie O'Donnell's decision to marry a woman?

It is so fucking sad that this is even a question that someone would ask. Let's ignore the fact that it's none of our business and no one should give a fuck about the lives of celebrities. I just wish we could grow up to the point where this isn't a question that someone would ask. But no, we're still stupid fucking homophobic America.

Further infuriating is that, as of now, 58% of stupid fuckers are actually responding "no." Look, I understand that this is not a scientific poll, but you can't tell me that this isn't indicative of the mindset in this country anyway.

Embarrassing.

I'm convinced they're doing this out of the goodness of their hearts and not to undermine abortion rights.

If not for the abortion thing, I could almost get on board with this. At first glance, this seems contradictory with being pro-abortion. But it isn't, since abortion rights come down to the mother choosing to end the pregnancy, and not someone else. Since we can't get away from the not-so-thinly veiled attempt to fuck with abortion rights, I can't get behind this and am much more in favor of the alternative.

Did I say pro-abortion up there? I meant pro-choice.

If it's not about abortion, then why do you think that pro-life groups are so in favor of this? Probably not because they see it as a potential future tool to be used against abortion rights. If it's not about abortion, then why can't the supporters of this bill instead support the alternative one crime/harsher penalty alternative for attacks on pregnant women? Again, it's probably not because they know this will be useful legal fodder somewhere down the road.

Um, by trying to keep it from becoming an issue during election time, aren't you fucking politicizing it? God fucking damn it this kind of shit pisses me off. It's nothing but doublespeak. Fuck you, Hastert.

Furthermore, fuck you for this stupid bullshit notion of "we wanted to do is get the commission report out as quickly as possible so if there are problems, we can solve those problems". HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU FIX THE PROBLEMS IF YOU STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THOSE PROBLEMS ARE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Christ almighty, that is the weakest fucking excuse for denying an extension that I've yet heard. "Yeah, we didn't get the results by such and such a date, so we're just going to sweep it under the rug. Clearly, the results would be meaningless if they were past the arbitrary deadline." Yes, sooner would be nicer than later, but later will do just fine.

Of course, these motherfuckers don't care about fixing any problems, because that might cost some of them their jobs. That's why we've had nothing but stonewalling and avoidance from these cocksuckers.

Among the many, many things that have led to my disdain for religion is how inextricably linked religion has become with politics. Like always, Carlin put it best: "I have just about had it with these fucking church people. You know what I say? Tax these motherfuckers. If they're so interested in politics and public policy, let 'em pay their fucking admission price."

There are myriad things that I could hit on that the article mentioned, but I'll just cover a few.

Dying for your religious beliefs. Man, fuck all that shit. Again, you have no real evidence to even begin to support that stupid bullshit. You're going to die based on that lack of a foundation? I'm in good shape here seeing as how I don't really have any beliefs - I simply don't fucking know. Until someone can come up with something conclusive one way or another, it's all theory. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm not so self-absorbed that I need to know every fucking thing.

Then there's this bullshit notion that belief in god makes you a better person. This is just fucking ridiculous, but I know that people believe it. How do you get to be a better person for belief in something that you have no clue - no real clue - as to whether or not it exists? It doesn't make you a better person. At best, all it makes you is more easily led, and at worst, it makes you stupider. Period.

There are plenty of people who don't believe in god and are better people than religious fuckers. Continuing along those lines, mentioning the Soviet Union or the Nazis is just a cheap ploy to try and push this notion that you're a better human being if you believe in god. Sure, I've come up with plans for genocide against stupid people (loading them all into a big cage and dropping it into the ocean, for instance), but that's not because of my lack of faith in a higher being. It's because of my lack of faith in humanity. And you know what? I might as well just say "Napoleonic complex," because you know that if I ever do take over, people will be shitting themselves to look all clever and use that phrase. Well ha ha ha, I beat you to it. How's that for pre-emptive strike, motherfucker?

Kentucky and Iran on line one...

Did you know that every time a child begins developing an unhealthy attitude towards sex, an angel gets its wings?

Seriously, the SI swimsuit issue is so incredibly damaging to 12-year-old-boys that they should probably just euthanize the kid before he destroys civilization as we know it. He receives a three-day suspension for "nonverbal harassment" and "possession of lewd or suggestive material." What the fuck is that? Oh yeah - uptight cunts overreacting.

I like JFR's take on the whole thing. "You're going to send the kid home for three days with that magazine?"

The only thing I find offensive about the swimsuit issue is the fact that it fucking sucks nowadays. Maybe I'm just jaded because I now have easy access to plenty of pornography, but there's no excitement anymore when February rolls around and the issue comes out. I haven't even bothered with it in a couple of years other than an obligatory glance through an issue I didn't pay for. "Oh look, yet another unattractive girl who I'm being told is pretty with next to nothing on. Yay." Sure, some of them are hot, but I can find pictures of attractive women elsewhere, and I don't have to simultaneously look at an African tribal native while I'm beating off to said pictures. Furthermore, those models could definitely do good to eat some fucking food every once in awhile. Just what I want in a woman: the potential for our time together to degenerate into counting her ribs.

About the only good thing to come of this is that it reminds me of an incident from high school, and I know how you all love my bullshit stories from high school. Of course, I think of this story from time to time anyway, so it's not like the news item did anything special. Anyway, freshman year, a friend of mine decided to bring the swimsuit issue to school with him. Now, I don't know about this sixth grader, but this friend of mine was pretty much the kind of guy you'd expect to bring the swimsuit issue to class. There was one bitchy, bearded teacher who was unimpressed with his bringing the issue, and she politely told him it was inappropriate and asked him to put it away.

There are far too many amusing stories about this kid, but I'll spare you for the moment. They're pretty much "you had to be there" kind of stories, which means only ETP will find them amusing. Oh, except for the time he decided to fake a heart attack in chemistry class, which I'm required to at least mention. "What smells like corned beef in here?"

So it looks like football season is already over. Glad I won't have to pay attention to that shit, which will pretty much make it like it was last year. Fuck the Broncos. Let's just get it over with and skip to October when the Cubs disappoint me and, I dunno, 80 billion fans once again.

Let's hope they were at least using consistent units of measurement.

It's just not even funny how much I hate Dubya. Hey, remember how neat institutionalized racism was? We should do something like that again. And it's appropriate, seeing as how homophobia is the new racism. Which is sad, seeing as how the old racism - you know, racism - is still all too prevalent.

Look, I know that an amendment is a longshot. It's a safe ploy for Bush to back an amendment, seeing as how it pleases his base and pleases his ignorant Christian sensibilities, but I repeat myself. While it keeps everyone happy, it remains a safe play seeing as how it's never going to turn into anything real, which of course means little or no work beyond rhetoric. It tastes great, and it's less filling!

Fuck you, George W. Bush, and fuck you, mainstream America. Because we all know how complicit the rest of this ignorant country is in bullshit matters like this. If you're so worried about marriage, why not start doing some work to combat the things that are actually threatening marriage? Like, I dunno, the high divorce rate? Or stupid fucking kids getting married when they're 12?

Google search:

motoko naru orgy

Lotsa luck getting frigid Motoko and repressed Naru into an orgy.

One of the greatest costume ideas ever in Galvin's Feb. 22nd post.

Still, probably the best ever was several years back. Some religious cocksuckers here have this haunted house every year they call "Hell House." Or at least, they used to do this, I don't know if they still are. You may have heard of it; it's gotten some national attention, in addition to the other Hell Houses out there. Just what we need, more things showing off how enlightened this state is. Anyway, the theme of Hell House is (was) just all sorts of stuff that will get you sent to hell. A. Whitney Brown's idea? "Next year I'm gonna show up dressed as an aborted fetus."

This is pretty much what I was hoping for - that people will be pissed, and that Nader won't matter. You just never know with the genius American voter.

I just heard that there may be a deal in the works to trade Clinton Portis from the Broncos to the Redskins. Seriously, I'm pissed enough as it is about the Broncos, and I don't need this shit.

Google search:

how to track pedos

You wanna track pedos? Just go look at my referral log. Seriously, if the FBI doesn't arrest me, they should fucking hire me.

In a related vein...

Google search:

kate winslett adult porn

This is probably the first person who specified adult porn, as opposed to kiddy grade porn. Furthermore, it's nice to see someone looking for Ms. Winslett's more recent work, as opposed to her "early years" stuff. 'Cause, you know, Kate Winslett has done porno. There was that hardcore gangbang tape she did, which, incidentally, got her the recognition she needed to land the part in Titanic.

I'm not sure who it is that visited here from Haverford College, but I love the picture on that school's homepage: nothing but kids suffering in the snow.

But we'll still never forgive Chris Noth for what he did to Profaci

Also watched the last episode of Sex and the City tonight. Yes, being the good little heterosexual male that I am, I enjoyed watching that show, and will be sad to see it go. Just so you know, in case you care and haven't seen it, there really aren't any spoilers in here. General impressions, but nothing major like how we finally find out what Big's real name is. Oops.

Kind of a shame that more guys didn't get into that show. Yes, I know, it's a chick show, and you just can't watch that and still get to keep your conceal 'n' carry permit for that monster wang you wish you had. Yes, I know, the girls could be huge pains in the ass, blah blah blah. But you know what? That show had some of the fucking dirtiest writing you're gonna find. Which isn't a total surprise since some of the writers were men. We all remember this line from the transvestite hooker out on the street below Samantha's apartment: "... And so I told him, if you don't get that out of my ass, I'm going to shit on it!" You... You just don't hear that a lot.

Also, guys should be able to get into this show as it demonstrates that while men are indeed pigs and perverts, women can be just as bad. And it's all out in the open now thanks to Sex and the City.

One thing about the finale, though, was how they pulled a Deep Space Nine on me. You see, the finale to DS9 always pissed me off in how there's all this shit going on towards the end of the series, and they pretty much conclude EVERYTHING in the last half hour of the finale. Well, Sex DS9'd me by doing a ton of shit in literally the last five minutes. Yes, you could see all of it coming, but still. Space it out over a quarter hour or something.

Oh, and bonus points for Big's "abso-fucking-lutely" blast. It's always a good time when you can bust that one out.

7% Part Deux

Speaking of ETP, I never mentioned anything about our follow-up to our first attempt at making sushi. Mainly because no one cares. Okay, that's not really why, seeing as how I pretty much expect no one to care about anything I post. Actually, I never said anything since it turned out to be decently successful. As we all know, success is nice, but it's rarely, if ever, as entertaining as failure. Especially when that failure is someone else's. As such, I don't know why I post so much about my own failures, but what can I say? I'm a weird kid.

So yeah, Super Bowl Sunday ended up with us poseur gai-jin making ourselves some sushi, this time complete with decent (imitation) crab meat for the California rolls, and finally some actual raw fish. After a few weeks, I'm pretty sure that we got some decent quality fish, and that I didn't pick up any parasites and die. Pretty sure.

Haven't gotten any more fish since then, but I have been working on the roll technique. Well, to be honest, it's not so much "technique" as of yet, but more of a "can we get something coherent together" kind of situation. And yeah, I'm getting decent. Working on different ways of preparing the rice, different ingredients, and most importantly, how the fuck to make sure all of the filling (crab, cucumber, avocado) stays inside the roll. It's not as easy as it looks, but I'm getting there.

It's kind of amusing that I have virtually nothing in my cabinets with which to prepare food, but I have all this stuff for making sushi. Stuff which is actually getting used. Which is good, because it means all my nice sushi plates will actually get used for... Sushi. But yeah, where the hell else are you going to find a box of Special K next to nori (seaweed sheets used for rolls), along with other sushi supplies, a couple cans of soup, and... Virtually nothing else?

You see, I just can't get all that excited to cook most other shit for myself. It's not that I can't cook, nor is it that I'm afraid of cooking. I usually just can't get motivated to cook a whole meal just for just one person. I know, I know: leftovers. I hate leftovers. They never taste as god the day after, and that's just such a fucking letdown.

It's a nice gesture, but it still doesn't beat ETP's death plan: die broke. Spend your last 20 bucks on a gun and a bullet.

Hey, if he's not going to update his bloody 'blog, then I'll just make his jokes for him. I'd say that I'm trying to shame him into posting, but I know that's a fruitless endeavor when it comes to someone who has no shame. Or maybe that's me. I know either one or both of us has no shame, especially when we most certainly should.

I like this Newsom guy

Yeah, Arnold clearly hasn't thought about running for president at all. Just a quick tip, Arnold: when you're trying to make the case for allowing those who were born outside this country to become president, bringing up Henry Kissinger may not be the best way to go.

Also, a belated "fuck you" to the Dumbfuck-inator on the gay marriage issue, and mad props once again to San Francisco. Arnold, this move isn't setting a bad precedent - we're already LIVING under the bad precedent. It's about time some activist mayors in addition to others are finally standing up to this stupid bullshit that prevents gays from getting married.

I find it kinda odd that people like Barney Frank are speaking out against this. I guess I can see the arguments that they're just giving Bush ammunition, ammunition which he can use effectively since this country is so fucking ignorant and there are so many people, D and R alike, who are against gay marriage. The thing is, it doesn't matter, since Bush is already going to use this issue to divide, whether or not San Francisco continues issuing marriage licenses.

This kind of thing has to be done, if for no reason to continue setting good precedents. The more people who show some stones and start speaking out for gay marriage, not just with words, but with actions, Meatwad, the better chance we have of it catching fire and spreading. And yes, I suppose I'm not being very practical since I'm on the "defeat Bush at all costs" warpath. Still, I'm so pissed about this issue that I can't help but root for what San Fran is doing, win or lose.

Also linked off that last CNN article is an interactive on state laws with regards to gay marriage. It's just disgusting and wholly embarassing to see the vast majority of states banning same-sex unions. I hate this fuckin' place.

New or old, fuck Laura Bush.

I find it more than a little sad that wives of presidential candidates are becoming nothing more than political tools. Like recently, when no one picked up on Howard Dean's reclusive wife coming out of the woodwork as a PR move. The of course there's Laura Bush herself, who for the most part has smiled and cheered for her husband, and then done some token shit to make it look like she's "active." That's real empowering for women. Yet another reason why a female president would be interesting, just so we can see the tables turned on that shit.

One person we know who doesn't stand for this shit, though, is Hillary. If she's being used as a political tool, it's only because she's allowing it since she knows she has something to gain from it. And she didn't sit idly by twiddling her thumbs while Bill ran the country and chased skirts. Fuck no, she kept busy pushing her own agenda. Just a couple of the reasons why I love that man.

Thanks a lot, Ralph. Thanks for nothing, you fucking idiot.

Look, I don't dislike Nader. Or at least, I didn't. Even though there's plenty he says that I disagree with, I still stand by a lot of what he claims to stand for. I'd love it if America wasn't so fucking retarded that they could actually elect a third-party candidate. I too am sick of corporate money and special interests taking over our so-called "democracy." The thing is, now is not the time to be pushing all those agendas. Why? Is it because they're any less important than before? No. But right now, there is no chance of overcoming those problems. Nader has no chance of winning and moving in to try and clean things up.

I realize that Nader is full well aware that he can't win. Nader isn't stupid, and he's getting involved to make a statement and to possibly pave the way for a future independent to take the Oval Office. Like I've said before, we don't have the luxury of making statements right now. I don't like taking this stance, but our top priority has to be getting Bush out of there. That's the only way we can get that dangerous group of cocksuckers out of the top seat and begin to restore some balance in this country. If for no other reason, I want Bush to lose just so that, if only for a second, I can see something wipe the smirk off of that stupid motherfucker's face.

Nader's words seem to imply that he's on the same page with those of us who badly want Bush out. The problem is, his actions don't line up with what he's saying. As such, this decision to run for president shows that it's not about dethroning Bush and changing course for this country, it's about Ralph. It's about Ralph and doing whatever the fuck it is Ralph thinks he needs to do to ensure Ralph's legacy.

I'm not looking for a Democratic president to fix everything. We all know I'm not a huge fan of the Democrats. I'm just looking for a start. No matter what issues I have with candidates like John Kerry, I still do not see them being as bad as Bush. Or, more appropriately, TB. I would so love, instead, to see someone in office, an independent, who would really shake things up. But that is not going to happen, and so we need to go pragmatic on this election's ass and get out of it what we can.

Nader got a whole slew of unnecessary shit from the Democrats in the 2004 election. Many Democrats blame him for Gore's loss, but that's bullshit. Gore's loss is squarely on Gore's shoulders. Okay, Gore's shoulders and the Bush money machine. Still, Gore should have done way better, considering that he was coming out of the Clinton administration, which enjoyed decent popularity. Instead of capitalizing on that, he distanced himself from it. That's just one of the many, many stupid things Gore did to lose himself the election. He should have never given Nader the chance to be a spoiler.

If the D ticket loses this year by a close margin, and we see that Nader siphoned off a decent number of votes from the D ticket, I'm going to have a hard time defending Nader once again. He knows now what his impact can be, and he knows for damn sure that it isn't going to lead to anything realizable at the moment. Well, nothing realizable in terms of his supposed goals; it can certainly lead to the realization of a second Bush term. The only hope I have at the moment is that Bush has done such a fine job of polarizing this country that Nader may be all but completely marginalized anyway. Like usual, we'll just have to wait and see.