10 Ways to get a Girl to Suck your Dick

So as it turns out, Buck was right. This is an article worth writing. So I'm blogging it up. Some of this is review. Of course, these tips aren't sure-fire ways to help get head, but if you were expecting any kind of guarantee, you are dumber than Buck.

1) Get rich. Chicks dig dudes with money. Not all chicks. Well, the kinda chicks who would go down on a guy like me. Good point.

2) Stop listening to advice from magazines like Maxim. You know those advice articles you keep reading? You know, the ones where you read shit like "look at your watch, and then if she looks at her watch right afterwards, it means she digs you," and after you finish you say "That makes sense!" I have seen sad sacks like this, and they failed to get head.

3) Don't be me. I don't wanna think how long it's been since I've gotten a blowjob, so clearly being BLM is not conducive to getting sucked.

4) Reciprocate. If you're man enough, or thirsty enough, kick it George W. Bush school and pre-emptively reciprocate. Shock and awe! Shock and awe! I'm sure you will turn out as shocking and awe-inspiring as the beginning of the Iraq war, but if you want your pee-pee in her mouth, then you better be willing to have hers in yours. And for god's sake, don't go Larry David on her, either. Look, I don't expect you to be Mr. Pussy (since it's just gonna freak Charlotte out anyway), but let's see some enthusiasm down there. If you need to, just pretend you're at Red Lobster.

5) Don't get hung up on spitting vs. swallowing. Part of me thinks, well, if it's already in your mouth, why not swallow? But you know, sometimes when you get something in your mouth, you're like, damn, I don't want this in my mouth, and I certainly don't want it staying in my body for any extended period of time. Just be happy you're getting blown; if this concerns you too much, you don't deserve head to begin with.

6) Be polite. I'm not talking about the dinner or diamonds or whatever, but make sure you're ready to warn her when you're about to lose it. And no, Dane, you cannot say it into the seatbelt, the seatbelt isn't sucking your dick. I failed to do this once with my first girlfriend, and I've always wondered if that's part of why she eventually dumped me. It also could have been because she was a fucked up bitch, so it's hard to say. But she was not too pleased being "congested" the next day; that much I know.

7) Don't listen to me. I've already pointed out that being me is bad, but just listening to me is bad. I clearly don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, else the only "mouth" I cum into these days wouldn't be one that flushes.

8) Ask Dr. Ruth. She's awesome. Maybe she can't really help you, but who doesn't like listening to that dirty old Jew?

9) There is no #9. The list just needs to be 10 to please the marketing people, and because I haven't alluded to Carlin in awhile (that I remember).

10) Stop being yourself. No, I mean you need to be someone completely different. Have you taken a look at yourself? Would you blow you? I wouldn't. Neither would anyone else. You need to alter the very fabric of your being, and maybe -- maybe -- you can get some skank to put your dick in her mouth.

Now go ye forth and get ye some head, gentleman. Or don't, because you suck. Just not in a good way, unless if you can get flexible enough to suck your own dick. Technically, this isn't a tenth reason, since the whole point was to get a girl to suck your dick. I guess you could put a wig and some lipstick on and just pretend, plus you're already a huge pussy anyway. I heartily endorse this for many of you, because there's a chance you will end up snapping your spine, and we didn't need you to begin with.