Yeah, but was there anyone on board who could speak 1337?

Fuck it, where's the box?

"Eventually, the device can be mounted to the toilet, where a push of the button allows it to be used by people."

So, it sounds like less of a toilet seat for cats, and more of a litter box for people. Yet another example as to how cats are training us, as opposed to the other way around. Resistance is futile.

Long consideration? Yeah, no shit it was a "long consideration." How long has this shitstorm been going on?

"... And I can't go beyond that."

You don't need to. Now that Asscroft's second in command is now in charge, I'm sure he'll be totally impartial. Plus, they finally found a "special prosecutor" to their liking.

Oh, and expect the number of posts to drop over the next couple of days since I'm out of town, because we all remeber how well that worked out over Thanksgiving.

And no, I did not already get shitcanned from my job. Mandatory shutdown, bitch. I'm not allowed to work this week.

Wow, it looks like it was a big day here at Fe. Glad I picked today to go out of town.

I knew shit was up when I was A) up at 5:30 AM and not because I'd stayed up all night, and B) we already had over 100 hits. I was like, great, we much have accidentally stumbled upon the secret code phrase indicating "tons of child porn here." As it turns out, we got a hit from this site, which unlike mine is both funny and popular. Thanks for the link, and the momentary boost to my self esteem.

Momentary, until I realize that for most of those people, they came, they saw... and they left. Which is what I'd expect, of course. Hopefully we did pick up a few new readers, and if so, all I can say to them is, what the hell is wrong with you?

Might as well get the newbies started off on the right foot, if there are any.

This story is beyond fucked up. Hey lady, real smart idea. Killing a pregnant woman, and then taking the fetus to the hospital and claiming that it's yours. I'm pretty sure the doctors won't figure that one out. I think that easily qualifies for "worst scam of the year," both in terms of how horrific it is, as well as how fucking stupid an idea it is.

Oh, and I'm just gonna leave alone the fact that the pregnant woman was only twenty-fucking-one.

I just saw that a new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm is starting Jan. 4th. Fuckin' A.

Lighten up, people.

This is nothing more than a bunch of kids trying to be funny. And you know what? I think they succeeded. I mean, c'mon. The Intifada? As a football team? That's good stuff. Oh, and you can't tell me that a Muslim Rangers versus Mujahedin game wouldn't be every bit as epic as a Roughriders/Roughriders matchup.

We should get a group of guys together, call ourselves the American Infidels, and throw down with these guys. You know they'd be up for it. Of course, any team I'm on would get its ass kicked, so we'd have to call the game the September 11th Bowl.

Even if the allegations of being roughed up are true, how the hell would anyone be able to prove it? I'm pretty sure there's no longer any blood running though Jacko's veins, so that removes the possibility of bruises or blood on someone's clothes. Shit, even if they broke every bone in his body, leaving him horribly deformed and disfigured, how would we tell the difference?

"And I didn't sleep in the bed with the child. Even if I did, it's OK."

Yeah, that helps your case.

They "locked him in a feces-smeared restroom for about 45 minutes"? I wouldn't be surprised if Michael is used to that. They just wanted you to feel comfortable, Michael. Cut them some fucking slack, will 'ya? Oh, and quit making shit up while you're at it.

I'm going to try and make this my last comment on the whole affair, unless of course if something funny comes up. Michael, please just go to jail. Even if you're not guilty of (cough) child molestation, you're guilty of CREEPING US THE FUCK OUT, and I want it stopped.

Like I said, there were more linkers out there than I could track down in a quick search last night. Here's another one for 'ya:

Martin Rants and Raves

Yahoo search:

ass exam, rectally

To be honest with you, I've always preferred my ass exams to be performed orally, because I'm that kind of girl.

Here's a site with some amusing apparel for gamers.

Safire makes a good point.

Yeah, I said it.

Just because Dean does opportunistic shit like this doesn't mean his supporters have to think he's Cheney, though. But yeah, it is hypocritical to criticize Cheney and not Dean for keeping secrets. They all keep secrets; it just comes down to whether or not you think those secrets are hiding anything dirty.

Okay, here's a new one:

real woman for yuna of final fantasy x-2 sex

Okay, my best guess is that this guy is looking for women to dress up as Yuna from FF: The Adventures of Yuna in North America so that he can proceed to have sex with them. A laudable goal, I suppose. But if you're doing Yahoo searches for it, that's just sad. This coming from me.

Also, the qualifier "real" in that search is just too fucking funny.

Speaking of Yuna cosplayers, why the hell can't women like this show up at our con? You know what? Fuck the con, why can't women like this just show up in my life? I mean, anyone working on Yuna's wedding dress for her own wedding is seriously contending for "bigger dork than me" honors. Couple that with being hot, and that's just fucking neat. Although, for the record, I am no one's Tidus, because that guy's a fucking pussy. This coming from me.

Dear Japan,

We think your bikini models and porn actresses have such nice teeth!

Signed,
British People

P.S. - Send Pocky

Before we get to why I'm sounding like a racist asshole this morning by insulting not one but two groups of people, five bucks goes to anyone who can catch BOTH of the references made above. And no, I'm not really giving out five dollars. I'm just trying to make you feel better for being able to figure out what's going on in my fucked up head.

Before we go on, be weary of the links in this post if you're at work or something. You know the drill.

Okay, here's one thing I've noticed: I could go back to school, study orthodontistry, and head over to Japan to practice and make a killing. There have been a disproportionate number of Japanese girls I've downloaded not just with imperfect teeth, but just plain fucked up teeth.

Take for instance Hagiwara Mai. Despite those buck teeth, she's quite popular, and with good reason - she's fucking hot. Those teeth actually become endearing after awhile. It's a shame that she has "retired" from modeling and porn.

Despite the asshole tone taken here, this isn't really a complaint, just an interesting observation. It's interesting since I come from the United States, and, more generally, Western society, where our models aren't born - they're manufactured. They're starved, surgically altered, and airbrushed into perfection. Despite all the effort, many of them still end up looking ugly. We are just that fucking stupid.

It's nice to see some sort of realm where what we would probably perceive as "imperfections" aren't frowned upon and buried like they would be over here. Not just teeth, either. Other things, like weight. Remember when Alicia Silverstone got "fat"? Or how Kate Winslett was supposed to be some huge tub? What the fuck was that all about? They looked nice to me, and I'm no chubby chaser. Or how about small breasts, which I see prevalent with Asian women. That's not so prevalent here (when it comes to the women who are marketed, I mean), since somehow, bigger is better for us. Look, I understand having different tastes and all, but it's some kind of fixation over here. I don't get this, and it pisses me off, because I'm a big fan of smaller breasts. Not to mention women who will eat food if I take them out to dinner.

Anyway, all this tit talk is fodder for an entire post of its own, and I'm getting hungry.

Still though, despite liking the somewhat more open mentality (in some regards, at least) I can't help but wonder how Mai never looked into getting those choppers fixed with all the money she must have made. No sense, I guess, when it kinda becomes a trademark. And, like I said, since it doesn't detract from her being hot.

Finally, for you guys who now find yourselves desiring more pics of Mai-chii, I won't leave you hanging. Here's ten pages worth of pics to keep you busy. Yes, she's legal.

Alright, so I have been awfully fucking lazy when it comes to other 'blogs. Both reading and commenting at them, in addition to linking them. There are a handful of great 'blogs that I have fallen out of the habit of reading on a day-to-day basis. There are other 'blogs, like Matt's, which I haven't gotten into a groove with reading, even though I really want to (if for no other reason than to flood his bitch ass with comments... oh, and because he's an interesting guy).

I'll spare you the excuses, like moving and compulsive porn downloading. Even though those sound suspiciously like excuses.

There are some 'blogs I check daily, those of my personal friends. I always make sure to check those out in order to maintain this new virtual social life. And how do those fuckers repay me? By never updating, god damn it.

Oh, yeah, I suppose I check Galvin's Japan Files somewhat regularly, but we all know that's because Galvin pays me. And ADULT LINK WARNING Kimochi ii?, but that's because browsing that 'blog only requires one hand.

Oh, and as I mentioned, there are new linkers showing up from time to time who I've yet to link back. Here are the ones I can get off of Technorati or a quick scan of my referral log. In continuing this lazy theme, I offer links with no attempts at witty comments, because there are way too many and that is just too much pressure (and Tweek can't handle it!):

Me, For Sale
Cyn City
Trannyboi seeking the home promised in lore
This will change
Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Your Boyfriend
god's performance art
Waiting for the Mothership

I'm sure there are others that Technorati doesn't flag or aren't showing up in the logs right now, and I'll get to them in typical BLM fashion, which is "eventually".

As always, thanks to linkers new and old. The support, while not fully understood, is much appreciated.

Yeah, I know - I'm a lazy worthless asshole, and I suck. Really, being that way is one of the only things I've ever been good at.

We tend to frown upon militaristic nations. Pre-WWII Japan is one country we tag as such. So it's kind of a shock to hear your own country referred to as being militaristic. It's a shock not because it's outrageous and unfounded, but because there is a lot of merit to the claim.

Also, am I the only one pissed at Time for making the American soldier "Person of the Year"? No, it's not because I'm knocking the troops - regardless of how I feel about the Iraq war, even I have to hand it to people who are volunteering to do that stuff. No, I'm pissed just because I see it as nothing but pandering, and I am especially fucking tired of people pandering to the troops. "I support our troops!" We ALL support our troops, you fucking dumbasses, even if we don't support their mission. Yes, that sounds like dissonance, but it isn't. Anyway, you're not special just because you support the troops, so shut the fuck up already.

Time is really making a hobby out of pandering. This became evident two years ago when they named Rudy Giuliani "Person of the Year." Sorry, but as was pointed out by others, Osama bin Laden was the person of the year in 2001.

If you think giving that award to a terrorist is an insane idea, keep in mind that Hitler and Stalin were both awarded Time's "Man of the Year" back in their day. Time was merely acknowledging that these men had a bigger impact on world events than anyone else - they weren't signing on as members of the SS or turning into card-carrying pinkos. Acknowledging that someone shaped the face of that year unlike all others isn't necessarily celebrating what that person has done, it's just acknowledging the truth of the matter. I thought that was the point of the award, and not to kiss ass with America and show simple-minded Americans what they want to see.

Like it needs to be said, and like it hasn't been said before: fuck our media.

Once again, Blair gets all the grief while Bush gets all of the gravy. Okay, not all the gravy, but a lot more than Tony.

Yeah, but they forgot to mention all the dirty stuff. I just can't imagine how things like school uniform fetishes, bukkake, leg fetishes, and lolicon didn't make it into a Washington Post article.

While we're on the subject of Japanese pop culture, I came across something kind of amusing over at income rapers Jlist. I was looking at a listing for a book entitled Encyclopedia of High School Girl Uniforms 2004. Yes, of course I bought it, that's not what I'm here to talk about. In the description for said book, they claim that it's "perfect for those... who want to revel in this cute side of Japanese culture."

Cute? I don't think so. Yes, I'm a bigger uniform fetishist than the next guy, but I'm willing to call it what it is - creepy.

It takes a Village

I realized a couple of days ago that my life has degenerated into a continual search for "cute." Cute girls, cute anime, cute toys, and even cute things to decorate my apartment with. Well, this weekend's mission was to work on that last one - cute decorations.

For several years now, I've been wanting to go out after Christmas an buy a bunch of those porcelain houses and shit to make a Christmas village. Every year though, I either was cheap, lazy, forgetful, or a combination. But not this year. I got my shit together. Yeah, kinda goofy to be buying Christmas decorations after Christmas, but that's when stuff is on sale. And yeah, it's even goofier for a 24-year-old guy to be getting all giddy over little houses, but I was. I don't know why I have this fetish for miniature things. It sorta stems from my desire to collect toys; those are just smaller versions of the things I watch on TV and in cartoons. Still, the overall need for small things isn't really explained, but I'm sure it's just some kind of complex arising from my being somewhat of a miniature person.

Psychology session aside, I went a little overboard these past few days and ended up getting 18 different buildings from Mervyn's and The Artist Formerly Known as Jo-Anne Fabrics. Mervyn's has X-Mas stuff at 50% off - not stellar, but not bad. I probably could have waited until things hit 75% off, but I didn't want to run the risk of some of the pieces selling out. Jo-Anne, on the other hand, is already having a 70% off sale. Suddenly $30 pieces are 9 bucks. Fucking sweet. And they have a bunch of cool buildings, too. I ended up making two trips there and bringing home about two cartloads. I couldn't help myself. All this ultra-cute stuff at low, low prices. Some would say I'd have been stupid to pass that up.

Anyway, the new issue is what the hell to do with all this stuff. I've got three whole setups which are occupying my dining room table, a coffee table, and two end tables. We have the 'hood, which consists of five houses; downtown, with two churches, two lighthouses, and some shops; and finally the countryside, with another lighthouse, another church, a farm, and the motherfucking winery. Hell yeah.

Some of you may be confused by that list of buildings. Three churches? From the kid who says "fuck Jesus" and wants to destroy organized religion? Yeah, I know. It is an historic irony that despite hating what church stands for, I fucking love church architecture. I've gotta hand it to the Christ fuckers on this one; lots of times when they build a house of worship, they BUILD a house of worship. "No sense fucking around" is their motto with all that stained glass and all those huge spires, apparently.

The church situation did present one issue. I was planning on putting one in each of the three different displays, but the 'hood was already filling up my coffee table with those five houses. Since I was planning on dividing the town in half with a river since I got this cool little bridge, I got an idea: put one church on each side of town. This way, we can play America's favorite game: Catholics versus Protestants. The Catholics own one side of town, the Protestants the other. And whoever controls that bridge controls... Access to the other side of town.

On the surface, three churches and three lighthouses might seem like overkill, but it isn't. With all the bad-ass lighthouses Jo-Anne's had, I'm lucky I didn't come away with more of them.

Since I didn't buy any little people for my town (save the ones that came attached to buildings), I'm thinking of kicking it Chobits school and calling my village The Town with no People.

Yahoo search:

slutty crowd disneyland

Do... Do I need to plan a trip to the Magic Kingdom?

One of my all-time favorites from The Onion's "News in Brief":

Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation
WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to stem a four-year decline in freaky Yolandas throwing they titties on U.S. glass, U.S. Sen. Mix-A-Lot (B-WA) introduced sweeping new putting-'em-on-glass legislation Tuesday. "Now listen up, Uncle Sam / I wanna see soul sistas pressin' that ham / Make me say damn / I wanna rear-end 'em / So I'm callin' a Senate referendum / Bounce by the ounce don't make no fun / I'll take 'em by the ton, son," Mix-A-Lot said. "Don't hand this bill down to no committees / 'Cause Mix don't wait on monster titties / Note to my colleague Tom Daschle / That if the babies be gettin' bashful / No melons droppin' on my windshield / So get them nudie laws repealed." Mix-A-Lot then gave props to the authors of H.R. 1610, from which several key clauses were sampled.

Return of My Nutsack

Okay, I saw Return of the King last weekend, and have been meaning to write a review. I had better get this shit out of the way before I become even more apathetic towards Lord of the Rings than I already am. There are maybe a couple of minor spoilers in here, but that's about it. Odds are they won't be spoilers until you see them in the film, assuming of course you haven't seen it already or don't know what I'm talking about from the books.

Oh, I will spoil this: the good guys win in the end. The bad guys are vanquished.

First, some background. I have no sort of emotional attachment to LOTR. I didn't read the books when I was younger. I tried reading Fellowship of the Ring before it hit theaters, but I just couldn't get into it. Fantasy worlds of elves, Hobbits, and magic. I just don't get a hard-on for stuff like that, unlike the no-huddle offense. Speaking of offense, this isn't to be offensive to LOTR Dork, seeing as how this is coming from Star Trek Dork. We're arguably the worst kind, arguable because you people will also show up at the theater in costume, keeping the race tight.

No, let's face it, the biggest dorks are people who play the .HACK card game.

Since I've never read the books, I can't come from the perspective of "they totally fucked up the book when they did X, Y, and Z." Again, nothing wrong with having that perspective, I just don't. Despite what a huge fucking nerd I am, I can sort of write this review from the standpoint of a "normal" person. Sort of.

Also, since I've never read the books, if I misspell or mix up the names of any characters or places in the books/movies, it's because I don't care. So no sense correcting me if I fuck up there.

Another thing that may be worth mentioning is how much I fucking hated The Two Towers. That movie was unnecessarily long. It drug on and on, with one chaotic battle scene after another where I can't tell what the fuck is going on. Yes, I understand that battles like that would be chaotic, but maybe that's a good reason to do some shortening of those sequences. Speaking of battles, there's the 83 hour battle of Helm's Deep, which, as I understand it from people who know, did not have anywhere near that much emphasis in the book. I honestly did not need all of Gollum's internal struggle. He's CONFLICTED. I GET IT. I don't need it spelled out over and over and over for me. Finally, I just could not handle all of the fucking dwarf jokes. No, it's actually not because I'm very short myself and I take offense to that kind of stuff. No, I make fun of being short and laugh at short people jokes more than anyone. What pissed me off is that the dwarf jokes comprised all of the fucking humor in that movie. One-trick ponies are even less impressive than my embarrassingly tiny penis.

Anyway, all that should give you a decent idea as to where my mind was at when I saw RotK. At least, where my mind was at in terms of LOTR.

RotK was decent. Just like the first two movies, I will not be buying this on DVD. Not for myself, at least. Still, I'm not cursing the four days I spent in the theater, unlike tTT. The movie was long, but it didn't drag too much. There was fighting, but it was more tightly done than the fighting in tTT. Gollum was still irritating, but now it was because he's a pain in the ass as a character, and not because they're using him as a device to treat me like a baby. There were some funny parts, and they weren't a bunch of fucking dwarf jokes. Naturally, there were some good effects and visuals, but there had better fucking be for the money they poured into making the film.

Whoever the actress is who plays Eowyn is one of those women who is so gorgeous that you can't even stand it. Yeah, Liv Tyler is hot, too, but most of the time she's on screen all I can think to myself is "Damn, her father is one ugly woman." Eowyn wins the battle of the hot women. It was nice to get to see her kick a some ass, too, in addition to standing around, crying, and looking hot.

Speaking of hotties, we need to talk about Legolas. Ladies, I can totally see where you're coming from with this guy, because I found myself in the theater on the border of homoerotic fantasy over him. That is one fine piece of elf meat right there. If I were to ever have a threesome with two guys and one girl, I'd want him to be the other guy. Fuck, how about a three-way with him and Eowyn? Hell yeah, I'd take that.

Quick safety tip: STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!!! YOU FORGOT THE "ROLL" PART, AND YOU TOOK THE "DROP" PART WAY TOO FAR!!!!!

One comment made after the movie was that Peter Jackson doesn't know how to end a fucking movie. That point is arguable. One thing that is not arguable is that Jackson thinks he knows how end a movie. So in love with his ability to close out a film, he ended the movie, at my count, 18 different times. For the four days you'll spend in the theater watching this movie, the last day is ALL endings. You'll sit there all day, too, saying "Okay, this is it. This is the end. No, there's more? FUCK."

All in all, I think Bill McNeil would have put it best by saying that this movie reeked with adequacivity. Not good enough to win a LOTR convert, but not bad enough where I can completely ridicule LOTR dork and be home free knowing what a god damn loser I am. It was... Entertaining. Go see it. Not because I'm recommending it, but because you're going to see it anyway. Hell, I did, if for no other reason than to get it out of the way.

Quote of the night from last night:

"I got pretty lucky with my family. I only hate my mom."

No, this was not uttered by me. We all know what a momma's boy I am.

I almost feel bad about the post about Melissa Panarello I made a couple of days ago. Almost.

You see, after seeing that pic of her in the Times, my natural pervert instincts kicked in and I went searching the 'net for more. Alas, there were none to be found, at least not in the searches I did. Anyway, after seeing the dearth of not only pictures but any sort of info on bitchy, sexy little Melissa, I made it a point to mention her full name. That's right; just manufacturing hits. And it paid off, too, because that's helped sustain site traffic for the past couple of days.

So, for all the guys who are showing up here looking for pictures of her, sorry to disappoint. Believe me, I wish I had some pictures of her to share with you, because that would imply that I actually have some pictures of her. And that'd be neat because, well, we all know what I think of her.

God damn it. This guy takes PayPal. I'd be in danger except for the fact that this guy sounds like a fucking moron, and possibly a liar. He says "minor shelf wear," and "no corner dings." Sorry, "NO CORNER DINGS." As yet, the top edge of the back of the box looks fucked up in that second picture, but it is kinda hard to tell since it's a shitty fucking picture.

God fucking damn it, we've had the net for several years now. When will people learn that capitalizing that much shit in a post like that is unacceptable?

Also on the Fort Max hunt, here's another one. A feedback rating of "2" is fucking kryptonite to me, though, especially for an item that could easily get up there in price.

Shit. There have been three auctions for a sealed For Max this past week. So far, they haven't gotten me to bite. It's only a matter of time, though, before someone with lots of perfect, glowing feedback shows up who takes PayPal and has a "reasonable" Buy it Now.

Unlike Fort Max, I actually had Metroplex as a kid, and while not as big (the toy version, at least), the 'Plex was bad ass.

Bad parent of the day.

It's bad enough when your two year old is an "actor" and a "model." People who force shit like this on their kids disgust me. It's made worse when you name him "Konrad." Quit trying to be clever when naming your kids. Things are compounded when you try and sue someone when your stupid kid hits his head on something. That's something that kids just fucking do, you fucking cunt. You should be shot, lady.

Better yet, we should take that railing you're suing over, paint it white, and bash your fucking head in with it. Then it'll be a nice, bright red. No mistaking it then!

Contained within this post is another link that, while it doesn't appear to have any nudity, you should't be clicking if you're at work. Unless of course if you own the place, you're in good with the sysadmins, or you're a dumbass.

Here's a potential treat for you leg fetishists out there. Came across this at Japaneze, where you can hear all about how warm Charlie's girlfriend's vagina is.

In the spirit of the main character from Extreme Driving Miss Daisy, Krugman has come up with some rules of his own for the next election.

It looks like plans to release NewsRadio on DVD are still moving forward. I read elsewhere that the release date was pushed back from sometime in February, but that was so that they could add in some extras beyond just the episodes.

We watched The Transporter tonight, or as I'm gonna refer to it from here on out, Extreme Driving Miss Daisy. As a quick note, there's one minor spoiler in this super-mini review, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you're really fretting over this film, you need to get out more. And this is coming from me.

I remember when this film was out in theaters, I didn't really have any impetus to go see it. I think I was turned off by the idea since I just kept asking "Where's Scotty?"

In the end, though, it actually wasn't a bad film. A stupid action flick for sure, but nonetheless entertaining with some humorous moments to keep it afloat. A bunch of shit that went down was completely implausible, although nowhere near the levels of Face/Off, which was a fun film despite every moment being filled with total horseshit impossibility. Just since it's required, there's a minimum of romance sex in this movie. Despite being so contrived, the "love story" part of the film was still more believable than that atrocity between Cardboard Anakin and Natalie Portman in Attack of the Clones.

The lead actress was pretty hot, even though we didn't get to see her kick too much ass. Still, she did kill her father, which is hard as nuts. For the hell of it, I'm going to throw in this pic. Jason's got the right idea.

Also, as another spoiler, the good guy wins.

All in all, I'd call it an hour and a half not completely wasted.

DOW 'Blog 10,000

Last night, Fuck everything received its 10,000th hit since I started tracking stats in late August. As an added bonus, we recently passed our 500th comment. Undoubtedly this is yet another sign that the economy is improving the world is being FedExed to hell.

Granted, if you take out the hits that are me, my personal friends who read this in lieu of talking to me, people looking for 80s cartoon porn, and pedophiles, you're left with about three dozen legitimate hits. Also, if you throw out Matt's comments, that leaves 10 or so comments from others.

Regardless, this is a still a nice pair of milestones to hit. Thanks to everyone for their support... I'm not really sure why you bother with this site, but I'm glad 'ya do.

As a warning, there is an adult link in this post, so don't click on it if you're somewhere that you might get in trouble for doing so.

One thing I'm getting sick and tired of is people showing up here at Fe looking for Final Fantasy X-2 porno. I'm still of the mindset that if you want to see Yuna naked, you're gonna have to learn to draw on your own or bust out someone else's shitty FF doujinshi. Otherwise, it's not like there's gonna be a Final Fantasy X-3 hardcore flick out there that's been officially sanctioned by Square-Enix.

Still, I like to please my readership, so here 'ya go. I proudly present Yuna naked.

Ahhh, hearing about the withering of Christianity, even if only in some small part of the world, would warm my soul if I had one. Go, indifference, go! Or don't. Whatever.

No one can do Christmas quite like New York hockey fans. This is just too funny, and that brief picture sequence is priceless. Where the hell else are you gonna see Santa checking someone into the boards?

This has got to be the stupidest fucking story I've ever heard, with the absolute dumbest people involved. Boy, people from Oklahoma are smart! The parents didn't even give enough of a shit about their fuck-up son to LOOK AT THE FREAKING CORPSE, and we can see how thrilled they were to hear from him.

My guess is that the parents are out about 12 bucks for that funeral.

As my Hypocrite Day present to you, there's an update over at Serafuku. Jesus would be proud. He died for your sins, just so you could sin some more by checking out Japanese girls in sailor uniforms while visions full of impure thoughts dance in your head.

Oh, and if you don't like your gift, tough. BLM Claus can't please everyone. Or anyone, for that matter.

I was raised Catholic, and it takes a lifetime to de-program. To this day, I cannot have sex on Christmas. There's not logical reason for this; I just picture Jesus up there saying "Just... Just don't fuck on my birthday."
- Bill Maher

It's Christmas. Woo hoo. Or, as ETP has been calling it, "Thursday."

Several years back, ETP and I realized what total bullshit it is that he and I celebrate Christmas, seeing as how decidedly non-Christian we are. Sure, we don't go to Christmas Eve mass or even believe in any of that nonsense, but we do still accept presents and partake in non-religious Christmas activities. Of course, there's the fact that the holiday has become so commercialized and so ubiquitous that it's almost not a Christian holiday anymore - it's just been kinda hijacked by lots of people with lots of different agendas. But the fact of the matter remains that, yes, the root of this day is good ol' JC.

You can take the "Christ" out of Christmas and just call it X-mas. That sorta works, but still didn't seem quite good enough to us. So, we decided to start calling the holiday "Hypocrite Day," since our basic attitude is "Fuck Jesus, Merry Christmas." We're exploiting something we don't even believe in just so that we can get presents out of it.

Okay, we don't just care about the presents, but let's face it, that's the best part. Yes, I really do enjoy spending time with my family, and the food's good. But how many other days are there out there where you get gifts for no good reason other than someone got pinned to a couple 2x4s?

Yes, yes, I know - not everyone is fortunate enough to even get presents. I'm lucky, yada yada. I get it. Don't test me, ok? My holiday cheer may start to wear thin.

So anyway, happy whatever the hell it is you celebrate today, even if today is merely "Thursday."

Okay, so Galvin looks as if he's in decent shape to win Best Japanese Blog. Still, some insurance votes wouldn't hurt.

However, as of right now, he's behind in the polls for Funniest Blog. This is unacceptable.

No offense to all those great sites I've come across this year (and full offense to all the shitty ones I've found), but KindOfCrap is easily the best site I've discovered this year. If I'm planning on re-making everything in my image, then having everyone acknowledge my taste in 'blogs is as good a starting point as any.

Seriously, if you haven't voted, go out and do it. It's pretty quick and painless. Vote early (i.e. NOW; the voting ends on the 28th) but don't kick it Chicago school and vote often, because ballot box stuffing (multiple votes from the same IP address) will get him disqualified. And, of course, if you haven't checked out his site to know why you're voting for him, you're doing yourself a great disservice. But vote now, read later.

Considering the like 50 hits I get every day for assholes looking for child porn, if even a fraction of them were putting in a vote, we could take this shit to the mat. It's the least those bastards could do for ruining my self-esteem by coming here looking for kiddie porn which they're not gonna find. Oh, and it would be nice if they'd stop molesting children, too.

For all you non pedos, though, let's see some democratic spirit. Considering that there's only like 160-some-odd votes right now, even my small yet solid readership could make a difference. Unless, of course, if everyone out there has already made as big a dent as we're gonna make. If nothing else, do it as a favor to me. Is there any reason why I deserve to be receiving favors from you? Nope. And I sure as hell am not going to be repaying any favors, either. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway? The fucking mob?

For those who have voted - thanks. I don't know why I'm thanking you, because it's not like this benefits me in any way, but thanks all the same.

If Galvin doesn't win, I'm gonna be pissed. Me getting pissed doesn't happen too often here at Fuck everything, and we know that it's something we certainly don't want to see. So get on it!

Whenever I see a link entitled Italian Teenager's Tale of Lust on the front page of The New York Times, I'm pretty much obligated to read it.

Melissa Panarello sure sounds like a little bitch. And not too terribly bright, either. But that picture... Yum yum fucking yum.

I'll spare you any jokes about having the hankering to eat Italian tonight. Whoops, too late.

Happy holidays, everyone! The government says you might die!

You know, maybe for once raising the level was actually for a good reason. It is kinda unnerving that for once they claim to have some specific information. But does it really do any good to announce that they're raising the level it and then tell us "... but go on with your lives"? Thanks fuckers, we will, because no one pays attention to the colors.

Honestly, this orange alert announcement doesn't do a fucking thing. It's just to keep us scared shitless so that we remember how Georgie and Pals are protecting us from the big bad terrorists. They could just step up security measures when need be but not tell us anything and all would be OK. But of course they won't do that, because there's no PR involved such a course of action. They have to specifically tell us so that we'll see all the shit they're doing.

Once again, though, raising the level was probably for naught. If there is more "chatter" out there, it's probably just the terrorists fucking with us. I'm still convinced that we're not gonna have any fucking clue when they strike again. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not holding my breath.

For any other chip weenies out there (and I'm sure there are a ton), here's a quick blurb on Intel's use of strained silicon for making chips. Pretty clever shit (to put it mildly), and it's always interesting to hear some guy named Bohr doing work like this.

It's what's for dinner.

A handful of BBspot articles for 'ya.

To start, a little holiday goodness.

Life is rough on the campaign trail.

Stephen Hawking would be proud - or pissed.

The Need for Speed franchise is going downhill.

A little more Christmas cheer in the form of SCO mockery.

What's the difference between Jack Valenti and God? God doesn't think he's Jack Valenti.

The great thing about that last article is that the Jack Valenti joke came to mind before I even finished the article. An extra treat for me, and mad big ups to the BBspot guys.

There is also a website up for Keane's 9/11 commission.

In my normal positive stance, I've totally been expecting all these 9/11 commissions to really get to the bottom of things and finally get some heads to roll over the whole fiasco. There are some indicators that things like this might actually happen, but we'll just have to see. There's a lot of time between now and May, with lots of pressure that can be exerted and plenty of stonewalling that can be accomplished in the meantime to water down the results of this probe.

Okay, let's get back into gear with something you might care about. Something you might care about more than toys, at least. Although, let's face it, if you're over the age of 12 and not into toys, there's something wrong with you.

Anyway, here's a Guardian piece that gives some historical perspective to our recent campaign for Iraqi debt forgiveness.

Don't bother bringing me anything, Santa, because you've got nothing but shit in that bag

Despite shopping there on occasion - and feeling dirty every time I do - I'm not exactly a huge Wal-Mart fan. That being said, good, fuck Toys 'R' Sucks. Fuck those cocksucking bastards straight to hell. And fuck FAO 'Spensive, too. I'm glad those dickheads are in the toilet. I've got your exclusives right here, bitch!

Not to get all reminiscent on your ass (and since I've never done it before), but when I was a kid things were fucking great. We had two major toy stores where I lived - Lionel Playworld and Children's Palace. God, that was fucking sweet. Then the 'R' Sucks came into town and put everyone else out of business.

Everyone except for KB Toys, but I never really counted them. As a kid, you'd wander into KB Scalper knowing full well you weren't getting anything there because their prices were much higher than the other chains. That wasn't really relevant to you, but it was relevant to your parents. It was and is a browser's store, and I can't imagine how they're still in business all these years later.

But yeah, just give me a time machine and about a hundred grand in cash printed in the early 80s and set me loose in Playworld or Children's palace. And, oh, man, I'd better stop thinking about this entirely because the thought is just too good.

In the end, though, I don't really care all that much once my initial need for spite has been met. I don't really care because the major retailers have virtually no decent toys. The only mass-market stuff I've bought in recent months have been some of the new Ninja Turtles figures (the Turtles themselves are pretty cool, but some of the other characters leave a lot to be desired) and Unicron (only to find out that there's a slightly better Takara version).

Mass-market American Toys are in such bad shape these days, and kids today don't even know how bad they've got it. Nothing but a bunch of lame-ass, low quality shit. Yeah, yeah, I know - this is just another boo-hoo, my generation was so much cooler rant. Only in this case, our generation was so much fucking cooler when it came to the toys we had. What out there today rivals M.A.S.K.? Or Transformers? I submit that there is nothing. I say all of this and furthermore stand by all of this knowing full well that I come from the days of things like Rock Lords. I will take Rock Lords over Power Rangers any day.

Oh, and don't give me any shit that Transformers are still alive and well. With the exception of Unicron (who isn't all that great, I might add, but it's about time Unicron was made into a toy), the Transformers Hasbro puts out today are total fucking shit. I knew it was all over with Beast Wars and "Optimus Primal" (ugh), but since then we've had Robots in Disguise, Armada, and now Energon. I just look at figures like this tank they call "Megatron" and say to myself "Um, that's not Megatron. Megatron is not a god damn tank." And where are the die-cast parts? They're mostly if not entirely plastic. Fuck all that shit, Silent Bob.

Furthermore, don't give me any shit about the Generation 1 re-releases that Hasbro has been putting out and are widely available at 'R' Sucks. Fuck those things, too. They're as close as you're gonna get to the quality of yore, but they're not quite there. There are subtle differences, like colored plastic missiles instead of chrome ones, the cut-down smokestacks on Optimus Prime and Robert Stack (I can't even remember the name of the toy anymore, just that Robert Stack did his voice in Transformers: The movie), etc. Just a sign of these shitty times.

In the end, the only one putting out good Transformers is Takara - a Japanese company who I believe manufactured/marketed the Japanese market version of the Transformers back in the 80s (and possibly before that). The TFs they make today are the fucking shit - good quality, and just like the ones we had as kids. These are the real deal. They don't rival the 80s TFs because they basically are the 80s TFs. Yeah, they're expensive, but fuck it. That's why I have a job.

Oh, yeah, and we need to make special mention of Lego. God, why hast thou forsaken us? Why why why why why why why? Lego, god fucking damn it. I mean you stupid. Fuck. Hold on a sec, I'll get a coherent thought together here in a second.

Phew, okay. Here we go.

Legos used to be fucking cool. Now they mostly suck ass. There's been some decent Star Wars sets, a couple of trains, and the space shuttle. That's about it, though. Otherwise, we've got shit like Bionicle. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GARBAGE?????. I remember the first time I saw an ad for Bionicle. It was during the "pre-show entertainment" (which looks suspiciously like a bunch of shitty advertisements that leave me nowhere near entertained) for a movie. All I could do was yell out in the crowded theater "LEGO WHY MUST YOU CONTINUE RAPING MY CHILDHOOD DREAMS?!?!"

Then there's the Lego sports series. What the hell? Whose fucking idea was this? Yeah, there's what I need, a bunch of Lego people with useless short legs and basically claws for hands trying to play ball or shoot a puck. Great idea, assholes. Great idea.

Oh, and thanks for ending cool lines like the castle series or the pirate series. Holy hell were those fucking great. And now they're gone.

I knew things were ending for Lego when the "number of pieces" started going down, and the number of pre-fabbed pieces (i.e. ones that you don't build out or bricks) started going up. You could have huge fucking sets that consisted of about three bricks and the rest pre-fabs. That should stir up a lot of imagination with kids. But then when I look at the other shit that's popular with children these days, I know they have no imaginations to begin with.

These are just two of many examples as to how pissed I am at toys these days. Two examples that would eat away at my very soul if I had one.

It's not just boys toys, either. You can call me queer for a lot of different things, but I was never exactly into girls' toys. Sure, there are some gray areas, like the 9" and 12" Star Trek figures which are basically dolls and Dead or Alive: Xtreme Barbie Doll Dressup. As a general rule, though, I didn't go for the My Little Ponies or Strawberry Shortcake.

However, I have it on authority from a female friend that girls' toys aren't' doing too well, either. Modern stuff is crap. Even when they re-make stuff from the past, they still fuck it up. The hooves are too big, the faces are all wrong. Shit like that. And that pretty much sums it up.

As a side note, this female friend (who is also ETP's wife), ETP, and I wandered through Toys 'R' Sucks's girls' toys one day. This isn't something I normally do, since I typically just selfishly drag people, women or otherwise, though the shit I want to look at. Anyway, looking at the current crop of toys for girls, all the while hearing about old school toys for girls really helped me understand how it is that women turn out so fucked up.

So, yeah, it's fun to see 'R' Sucks get theirs for ruining greats like Playworld, but it doesn't matter. I don't really care about the big chains because I know that they have next to nothing interesting. Until I can find something along the lines of Onegai Twins figures at Wal-Mart, I'm just going to peruse all those toy aisles for the sole purpose of making myself depressed. Also, even if TRU, Wal-Mart, and their ilk were to all go under, which they won't, it still wouldn't bring back the good ol' days.

On second thought, I don't want to see any of the stuff I'm collecting these days on the pegs at Target or 'R' Sucks. That would mean they've gone mass-market, which means they will ruin all the fun of these toys as they pump out nothing but poorly painted plastic crap.

In the end, there's just no fun or life in today's toys, things are made from low-quality materials that are done up with shitty paint jobs, and if I want anything decent I'm gonna have to import it from the Japanese.

Anyway, this post should give you just a little idea as to why I've spent so much money buying back my childhood on bloody eBay. Also, I'm sure that you're asking yourself one big question at this point: "How is it, again, that this kid doesn't have a girlfriend?"

Yeah, the toy collecting thing and the misogynistic comments will do that.

This is news? Haven't we been working harder to keep terrorists out of the country for, I dunno, the last couple of years? Should an arbitrary date like Dec. 1 have any meaning? If it does, and we somehow stepped things up just then, I'm gonna be kinda skeptical about things.

Boy, it's a good thing they caught Saddam, otherwise I might be feeling unsafe right about now.

And just so you know, I'm not looking to feel totally safe because I know we never will be totally safe. That's just the nature of the terrorist threat. I'm not saying we should punt and not even try, but I'm not gonna get too worked up about something that we're just not gonna be able to control in the end. Besides, like Carlin said, we all need a little more danger in our lives. What are you gonna do, play with your prick for another thirty years? Are you gonna eat at Wendy's and read People magazine until the end of time? Take a fuckin' chance, will 'ya?

God

fucking

dammit.

Actually, it's good that this guy only takes bidpay, checks, or money orders, and not PayPal (which is a smart move for something this bloody expensive). Something like this would have to be financed, because I just can't be dropping that much cash all at once.

An article on Jon Stewart and The Daily Show.

Well, there goes my plans to start setting random boats on fire.

"Saddest holiday ever"? Not for the rest of us it isn't, bitch.

And yeah, Martha, you're gonna get married again, alright.

Yeah, so, I know you don't need to be reminded of these subjects, but, well, it's not like you don't know what you're getting yourself into by coming here. Except for those people who are wandering by for the first time; they're just fucked.

I got a Google hit from a guy looking for "man fucks dog porn." That's right; man fucks dog porn. As opposed to that man fucks dog art piece.

Not like we needed it, but here's another reminder as to how fucking stupid Americans are.

"This poll and other surveys show that as the courts have extended legal rights to gays this year, Americans have become increasingly uncomfortable with same-sex relations." Yeah, of course they've become "increasingly uncomfortable." That's because we're soft, frightened, ignorant little children who get squeamish about anything that might possibly differ from our boring, shitty lives. Oh, or we get scared because God supposedly told us to.

Furthermore, we're uncomfortable because we're being forced to actually face these issues. We're okay as long as we can ignore things and live in denial, but we throw a hissy fit when we have to actually answer some tough questions and tackle the hard issues. God for-fucking-bid we should ever be forced to think about anything or maybe even grow as human beings.

What a bunch of fucking hypocrites, too. Like I said a couple of weeks ago - people cheer and applaud shows like Wil and Grace and Queer Eye, but the second homosexuality becomes more than a fictional character, they get pissed and start calling for constitutional amendments.

It just nauseates me to hear quotes like the ones from that article. It nauseates me further because I know that there are so many more people out there who actually believe that garbage.

Speaking of quotes from the article, though, that last one really sums things up nicely, for me at least. Even if you're not gay, or even if you flat out disapprove of homosexuality, what is harmed by allowing them the rights so many others enjoy? There is no harm. It just threatens your ignorant beliefs and tells you that you are wrong.

You go ahead, you stupid fuckers. You push for that constitutional amendment. I just wish that one time you could look in the mirror and realize that you are shitting all over the principles that this country was founded upon. Created equal, indeed.

Look, I know that a constitutional amendment has a very slim chance of ever actually happening. There's a reason why the process is so long and arduous. Regardless, I'm still livid that the idea is even on the table, nonetheless receiving such active consideration.

I'm also gonna renew my call for the destruction of organized religion. Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm being intolerant. Intolerant of something that is beyond dangerous.

I have no coherent close to this already incoherent rant, so in lieu of that here's a big FUCK YOU to mainstream America.

Time to put on a sweater.

I've gotten some interesting and amusing spam subjects, but tonight was the first time that I got a spam from an interesting domain: nosehairpianos.com. My guess is that they were advertising a certain website, namely www.clownpenis.fart.

Onegai Santa.

Oh, yeah, and in case it wasn't fully implied by the title of this site, fuck everyone.

Another interesting search:

Saddam doujinshi

Yeah, bitch! We're gonna hunt Osama Saddam so we can eliminate Iraqi Libyan WMD!

Gadhafi approached us? Huh? Yeah, I'm real sure he did this out of the goodness of his heart.

But, hey, yet another excuse to dredge up 9/11, as if we had forgotten about it.

And, yeah, for those keeping score, this is apparently not one of those days where I'm in a mood and looking to shut the site down.

And while we're on the subject of advertisements, here's another series that's pissing me off.

"When they ask you why you fell asleep at your babysitting job, just tell them it's because you were stoned."

"When she asks you why you didn't pick her up for the prom, just tell her you couldn't do it because you were high."

The punchline to all these ads is "Responsibility: Your anti-drug."

Fuck you, assholes. You know what my anti-drug is? Not doing drugs.

I don't do drugs because I don't want to. Despite going to a school fairly well stereotyped for schooling a bunch of potheads, I've never done shit. Maybe that's because I'm stupid, and it's definitely because I'm a stiff.

When it comes to these ads, I got it, all right? You don't need to try and sell me on this, because I made up my mind ALL ON MY OWN. And I suspect that pretty much everyone else is going to do much the same, whether they choose to do drugs or not. But odds are no one is going to be swayed one way or the other based on what the "Partnership for a drug-free America" told them.

I've ranted about ant-drug ads before and how much I hate them. They piss me off for several reasons. First, I don't think that they do fucking shit to stem the use of drugs. Furthermore, in many cases, I don't think that we should be wasting all this money to stem the use of drugs. I don't give a shit if a lot of people do drugs, as long as there's no violent crime involved and they're not fucking with anyone else as a result.

A lot of this stuff should just be legalized. I mean, if alcohol is legal, then some illicit drugs should be. Once again, though, pot doesn't have the money and influence that tobacco and alcohol do. As such, I'm stuck listening to ads that are completely irrelevant to both me and everyone else in the fucking world.

While we're on the subject of guys, here's another company I'm sick of hearing ads for. Again, the ads aren't that annoying, but the concept is. There's a chain of hair cutting places called "Sport Clips" or something like that. The idea here is that they have sports and shit on TV for guys to watch while they get their hair cut.

Guys, can you not pull yourself away from the game for 30 minutes to get your fuckin' hair cut? If nothing else, schedule your goddamn haircut around the important games. Jesus.

You see, this is why I just can't get into "guy culture." You know, the sports watching, beer swilling, ugly Coors twins ogling guys.

Yes, I just got through a rant on Major League Baseball. Yes, I had subscriptions to Maxim and FHM for a long time. The thing is, all that shit was fun for awhile. It was fun to get really invested in sports. Maxim was a cool magazine. But then we turned 7.

Like usual, I'm being a hypocritical, elitist asshole, but it's not like that isn't expected. I've got my pursuits that many would consider stupid and pointless, like, oh, collecting toys. But at least I don't need my haircutting place to be selling me toys while I'm getting my bloody hair cut.

Besides, it's not like CostCutters is going to sell me quality import toys, anyway.

Okay, so when listening to JFR, I keep hearing ads for Sky Fighters of Denver. It's this company that lets you get into a fighter plane and play out a simulated dogfight.

Well, I'm not sure just how "fighter" these fighter jets are, but they're like T-34 jets. I'm no expert on military hardware, but my guess is that the T-34 isn't top of the line. Also, the ads claim that you do "90% of the flying." Clearly, it's not the important 90% that you are allowed to handle. Things are further cemented when they say that "no prior flight experience is necessary!" Yeah, if you have no prior experience, then you aren't doing anything useful in that cockpit.

Yeah, this might be a cool thing to do, or it might just be another excuse for guys to feel more manly than they really are.

Unless if you're one of about three Americans, you hate baseball. And if you're not one of those three, you will give as much of a shit about this post as the last. Nonetheless, we do it anyway.

There's been this huge deal in the works for the Boston Red Sox to trade Manny Ramirez to the Texas Rangers in exchange for Alex Rodriguez. Apparently, on Wednesday, both teams had struck a deal that both teams were happy with. In addition, A-Rod was happy with the deal as well (he has a no-trade clause and as such has to approve any trade involving him). Issue over, right?

Wrong.

The players' union stepped in and 86ed the deal, claiming that it lowered the value of A-Rod's contract. Which, apparently, it did, but A-Rod was going to be compensated for that loss in pay in other ways (endorsements, hookers, etc.). A-Rod is currently sitting on the biggest contract in pro sports history, so it's not like he was going to really miss the money. This was evidenced by the fact that he approved the fucking deal that the union torpedoed.

Commissioner Bud Selig could have overruled the union and let the deal go forward, but instead just set a deadline which expired yesterday.

As such, A-Rod remains with the Rangers, and Man Ram remains with the BoSox. This is fucking weak.

Now, I don't really care about the Rangers or the Sox, but this trade would have been good for baseball. How could it not? A-Rod is one of the most talented players in the game, talent that is going to waste with the Rangers who are never going to win anything. The Sox have already made some huge deals in the offseason, and this would have been the icing on the cake. They got close to the Series this year, and they're looking strong to go all the way next year. Adding Rodriguez would have cemented that. It would have had Steinbrenner, owner of the Yankees, shitting himself. Okay, he wouldn't be shitting himself, but only because he's George Steinbrenner.

Now, I don't really give a shit about what happens to the Sox, but it would be kinda cool to see them actually win it all. Yeah, I'd be jealous if they lifted their curse when my Cubs didn't, but let's face it, the Cubs are never gonna lift their curse, so fuck it. And if I think it's interesting, just imagine how exciting this could be for other baseball fans, many who actually do give a shit about the Sox.

Now, though, all you've got is a bunch of players who were going to be shipped out but aren't. At this point, it looks like they're going to be playing for the same teams as last year. A-Rod and Man Ram are, of course, the obvious players who will be dealing with this. Then there's Nomar Garciaparra, longtime shortstop of the Red Sox. You see, for those not in the know (i.e. you don't care), A-Rod is also a shortstop. As such, had the A-Rod for Man Ram deal went through, Nomar would have been traded somewhere else.

So here's what we've got. Alex Rodriguez wants the hell out of Texas. Nomar knows that the Sox would be willing to get rid of him if they could. And Man Ram, well, if he's the nutcase people are making him out to be, who knows what he's thinking. Still, three of the game's biggest names have been put in a shitty position.

I can't fucking believe that such a picture perfect deal, one that would have benefited everyone, isn't going to happen. A deal that everyone seemed to agree on, I might add. One that would have pleased baseball fans in general. And the deal is dead. That's just fucking stupid.

This is yet another thing that's wrong with baseball. Amidst declining attendance and whatnot, we have something that might help to spark a new interest in the game, and they fuck it up. The fucking lawyers and the dumbass commissioner either actively do something to ruin it, or they stay passive and don't push things forward. Thanks for nothing, cocksuckers.

Some kind of deal could still go through, but it's not looking promising. Even if it does go through, it should not have been this complicated. And if it doesn't go through, there's just no fucking excuse.

Why don't you assholes just get it over with and introduce aluminum bats already? That way pitchers can start getting killed (literally), but scoring will go up, people will care less, and no one will show up for games. That's where we're headed, so let's just get there and be done with it.

As if this saga wasn't bad enough for us Cubs fans, it was a fucking lawyer who got his hands on it and sold it at auction? There is no fucking justice in this goddamn shitty world. None.

Stories like this are always fascinating to me. I don't really believe in ghosts or the supernatural, but at the same time, I don't have any conclusive proof that all that stuff doesn't exist. Strangely enough, that also sums up a lot of my feelings on god and religion. Really, all that stuff is nothing but a bunch of goofy animal and ghost stories anyway. Might be true, might not.

"Look, I know the supernatural is something that isn't supposed to happen but it does happen"
- I can't remember what this is originally from, but it's sampled on White Zombie's Astro Creep 2000

"Yes, have some"
- Vince Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer

Highlight of the day:

We had a little office pot luck Christmas party today, which people were encouraged to bring their families to. As part of the celebration, there was a game whereby people brought in gifts, and then everyone drew numbers to determine when they got to pick a random gift from the gift pool. Both the adults and kids played the game, and as such, there were some kids gifts and some adult gifts (no, not that kind of "adult").

There was some amusing gift swapping going on (that was part of the game), but hands down the best moment was when one of the little kids picked out and unwrapped a CD of Barry White's Greatest Hits.

I take it that this Yahoo searcher was a bad boy or girl this year:

less than zero fuck christmas

Yeah, Fuck Everything: The Book would be neat, but it's not gonna happen. Let's face it; this piece of shit is not WWDN, one of my inspirations for getting into this mess.

The combined effort idea is an interesting one, though, and it's something that I've thrown around in my head before. I've been wanting to get together a group of 'bloggers and do some sort of collaborative effort. Maybe call ourselves the "Coalition of the Mostly Willing" or something like that.

Since I keep going through brief phases where I just want to quit doing Fe entirely, I've considered starting a new 'blog instead, one that would be a collaborative effort that contained posts from lots of different 'bloggers. I'd keep Fe around and still remain the sole poster since despite how much I malign this piece of shit, it's still MY piece of shit, and I'm very territorial when it comes to my stuff. Shit (not literally) or otherwise. However, in addition, we'd have the other 'blog, which includes bullshit from me as well as bullshit from other people. This would allow me to maybe step back things at Fe when I'm going through those moods, but still feel like I'm contributing something.

This would require some coordination and communication with other people, so, yeah, we'll see how far that idea goes.

Because America has a huge cock.

Okay, that's enough obscure Bill Maher references for the day.

Yeah, so this post will officially make me a whore. But a willing whore nonetheless.

It's time to get all democratic and shit and go vote for kindofcrap.com in the Asia 'blog awards. The best site about mutual student/teacher abuse and other amusing anecdotes from Japan is nominated in two major categories: Funniest Blog and Best Japanese Blog.

The race is pretty tight in both categories, but there's no excuse for Galvin's site not winning because it kicks the ass out of the competition. And I full well know this having never visited the other 'blogs.

Incidentally, America is the greatest nation in the world.

Okay, wait, I lied, I visited one of those other sites (Galvin's competition in funniest blog) mainly because Galvin said there'd be some boobs there. But not even a picture of a girl with a nice body is enough to sway this voter. I have principles.

So, yeah, get your ass out there and vote. Consider it practice for next year, except in this election we have a chance of winning.

Also, if Galvin wins one or both of these categories, will he finally admit that his site is not just a web journal, but that it is indeed a web LOG?

For the maybe one or two people who give a shit about the Dokkoida wallpaper from a couple of posts back, I fixed the link.

Meanwhile, you can find lots of other anime wallpapers at the site I originally tried to link, which can be found under the "wallpapers" link here.

I think Krugman has been on vacation or something, because he hasn't had a column in awhile. Looks like he's back now, though.

Speaking of my favorite Times columnists, my would-be girlfriend Maureen Dowd has been MIA for awhile as well.

Why download this? Because it's there.

If you've nothing better to do (which must be the case if you're here), check out Galvin's Choose-Your-Own-Adventure-Non-Adventure.

Tough call. Listen to G Dubya Dumbass, or watch that cunt tramp Paris Hilton. Hmmm...

Well, I've got heroin. You wanna just fucking die instead?

Seriously, just throw downloading pictures of a naked Janet Reno into that mix, and you have a truly evil trifecta.

This whole constitutional amendment idea is fucking disgusting. They want to use the Constitution, amongst whose principles is separation of church and state, to enforce religious beliefs. That's wrong. No simpler way to put it.

"The position of this administration is that whatever legal arrangements people want to make, they're allowed to make, so long as it's embraced by the state or at the state level. Except and unless judicial rulings undermine the sanctity of marriage; in which case we may need a constitutional amendment."

Soooo... You're okay with states doing whatever they think is right, until they want to do something you disagree with? Is anyone else bothered by this hypocrisy?

Who knows what the fuck this person was searching for:

saddam noodles blasphemy

Meanwhile, we know exactly what this person was looking for, but I can't imagine why they thought they'd find it anywhere:

yuna naked screaming for more sex

Here's another hot tip from ANN:

Adult Swim will be featuring a New Years eve special, running from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m, that will not feature any Anime. This is probably because Anime fans have better things to do on New Years Eve.

Yeah, anime fans have better things to do on New Years alright. Like, uh, watching anime. Anime that's NOT DUBBED.

So everyone's familiar with t.A.T.u. You know, the two Russian hotties who occasionally dress as schoolgirls and make out, and, uhhh... Oh yeah, make some shitty music from time to time.

Anyway, yeah. Apparently, there's going to be an anime based on the pair. I'll probably watch it. Because, let's face it, this has all sorts of potential both for humor value and, um, other value.

Seriously, I'm not making this shit up. This is not just some nonsense coming from my sick fantasyworld. No, this news came my way courtesy of ANN, and, quite possibly, their sick fantasyworld.

Here's another thing that's been bugging me. They've confirmed that the guy they have in custody is Saddam. How do they know for sure? DNA tests, of course.

Where the fuck did they get Saddam's DNA? I doubt he volunteered any just before the war started. For that matter, where do they get the DNA of a lot of terrorists and criminals?

I'm probably just missing something simple, but where exactly in the hell are they getting all these bad guy DNA samples from?

In a shocker, Bush says he supports giving Saddam the death penalty.

As I said earlier, I'm in agreement with the death penalty position. What gets me is that someone actually felt the need to ask Bush and/or Bush felt the need to tell us. Considering that he has no problem with executing retarded people, I think it's pretty self-evident as to where he stands on punishing a brutal dictator who has been the scourge of his family and much of the world for quite some time now.

Spam of the day:

cum covered toons

Great, how the fuck are we supposed to watch these DVDs when they're covered in cum?

Or, alternatively, I may have coercedly fallen upon the shit those Inspector Gadget and Thundercats sickos were looking for.

Bitter Little Man:
YES YOU ARE!

Just when I thought there was no hope left for the hapless Democrats...

Man, how would you like the job of being Saddam's defense attorney? I mean, not only are you defending a fucking dictator, but the outcome of the trial has pretty much all but been determined. The only questions now are when does shit go down, and how does Saddam get punished. Jack McCoy could let some flunky low-level ADA prosecute this motherfucker with no worries. Maybe Saddam should just hire a Cardassian defense attorney - they're used to this pre-determined outcome shit.

Or better yet, wouldn't you just love it if Saddam hired Johnny Cochran? Yeah, me neither.

I love how the U.S. will go to the U.N. when we want resolutions against Iraq, but we unequivocally shut them out of the trial.

At the same time, fuck Kofi Annan, that fucking dumbass. Get off your high horse with this "no death penalty" bullshit. Despite being all super liberal or whatever, I'm a big fan of the death penalty. I mean, why not? Is the world gonna be any better off by keeping Saddam alive? Sure, it's not going to be any better if he's executed, but fuck it. That's what I say. Just dispose of him and be done with it.

Why don't they just get Nate Dogg and Warren G to handle things instead?

Yeah, but the real cruel and unusual punishment is actually making students eat that disgusting slop they call "food" in dorm cafeterias.

It's thanks to dorm food that I can't eat Top Ramen ever again. Ramen was a viable alternative to dorm food, which resulted in it being the majority of my meals which weren't sandwiches sophomore year. Yeah, I hit the cafeteria every now and then, which usually resulted in eating a burger which was dubious, but edible.

But holy Christ did my roommate and I eat a shitload of ramen. Mostly chicken flavor. We used to heat the noodles and water in these big plastic cups in the microwave, and my roommate informed me sometime after we moved out that he was never able to get that chicken broth scent out of those cups no matter how much he washed them.

Just to pass on another dorm food horror story, a friend supposedly saw crates of meat being delivered to the cafeteria one day. Stamped on the boxes was something like "Grade D Meat - For higher education and penitentiary use ONLY."

Lovely.

I don't know why, but it brings a smile to my face to read stories related to old, dead, racist fucks like this.

Oh, yeah, and also, there's a kinda-sorta-but-not-really big announcement coming up sometime in the near future. What "near-future" means is anyone's guess since, well, you know how it is around here.

I'm not trying to be a cock tease or anything, and just to dispel any sort of speculation I can tell you now that not a fucking thing is going to be changing here. It will still be the same bullshit posts and bullshitting about posts. We're just... Expanding into new enterprises, I guess you could say. Basically, the whole point of this post is to let a handful of people know that, no, I haven't forgotten that I have something I need to take care of. I just need to remember it sometime before 1 AM when it's already hours past when I should have gone to sleep.

Fuck, so it looks as if I missed yet another chance to not have sex with Sasha Cohen, as there was recently a figure skating event nearby in fucking Colorado Springs.

Yet another dream continues unfulfilled.

One thing I will never understand is why women who don't even know me keep asking me if I have a girlfriend. Okay, it's only been a few, but still. For someone who interacts socially with others as infrequently as I do, it's a significant number.

All you have to do it take about a half second to look at me before you can answer the question for yourself. And if you get to talking to me, then any doubts you shouldn't have even had will be removed. That's because you'll either get loudmouthed asshole "me" (the one you guys are familiar with), or, more likely, painfully shy and rather quiet "me."

Okay, I guess technically, they don't all "not know me." One person who keeps fucking asking the question that makes me want to just throw down with the razors right there is one of my grandmothers. But I've met her like four times in my entire life, and I don't even like her because she's kind of a flake, and a bitch. This is in sharp contrast to my other grandmother, who despite driving me nuts fucking kicks ass. But anyway, point being, I really don't know the first grandmother I mentioned, and I wish she'd stop asking, because the answer will always be the same.

I know what you might be thinking. "Hey, BLM, you fucking dumbass, maybe these women are interested in you." Yeah... no. One incident I can remember was my uncle's sister, who is kinda weird and was just asking because I'm beginning to think it's just something that women do. That, or it's the world's evil plot to make sure that I'm reminded of how much I suck.

Then there was this past weekend, where my co-workers and I went out for dinner. The dinner was company sponsored, so it was free, as in speech. Anyway, one of my co-worker's wives got to talking to me, and after a few minutes, I got the girlfriend inquiry. There was a nice twist this time, though, because then she starts talking up her sister who's apparently unmarried. From the sounds of it, she's trying to round up single guys for her sister, which I found amusing, especially since I apparently wasn't out of the running just yet. Of course, it was all just bullshit over-dinner conversation and nothing will come of it, but it was nice for six seconds since even my friends, the people who ostensibly think I have good qualities, have never tried hooking me up with anyone. That's partly because a good deal of my friends are social misfits like myself and know of no one to set me up with, but also because my friends are smart and they know that no woman is stupid enough or hard up enough to get stuck with me.

Also, as a side note, why the fuck is it that whenever an attractive woman actually gets to talking to me, she's attached? Like the wife from this weekend, or that one ex-cheerleader from that wedding about a month ago? God damn it. I know what it is - just one more funny joke making sure the bitter little man stays bitter.

Oh, and relax everyone. I'm not so self-centered as to think that the world in general or people in specific would actually take the time to try and piss me off personally. I know that ultimately, I have no girlfriend because I'm lazy, spineless, and have no confidence. And I'm ugly.

Anyway, this was partly just a post to be self-deprecating in a half-joking manner as I usually am, but also a post to ask: what up with that? Do any women out there do this asking about a girlfriend thing to guys they just met? If so, why? Why must you do this to us?

There are some new Get Your War On comics posted. A full page went up a few days ago, and there's also a quickie in reposnse to Sunday's news.

Okay, so there was another reason why I didn't comment on Saddam's capture yesterday. I'm taking his capture pretty hard, because I really liked the guy, and I'm sad to see his reign come to a complete end. I think everyone knows that I respect strength, and while Saddam was in charge, I think we can say that he had some strength. Harsh, oppressive rule and the murder of thousands. Invading other countries and starting wars. Man, was that ever cool.

Also, as we all know, I hate George W. Bush. And if I hate him, I plainly must love Saddam. That's logic that a four-year-old could wrap his mind around.

Alright, let's dispense with the sarcasm and jokes and get serious. If only for a minute.

Saddam's capture obviously answers a few questions. Like "Where the fuck is Saddam?" and "Are we ever gonna find Saddam?" Of course, there are also several more obvious questions that his capture raises. What does this mean for the Iraq war itself? What does this mean for reconstruction and the future of Iraq? What does this mean for TWAT? What does this mean for Dubya's presidency? Related to that last second question, what does this mean for the democrats in '04? And finally, with Lloyd Bridges dead and Saddam in custody, what does this mean for the future of the Hot Shots franchise?

Even us America-hating Saddam-loving liberals know that Saddam's capture is good news. Nowhere has anyone ever said that removing Saddam was a bad idea, nor is anyone (save him and his followers, of course) truly sorry to see him go. The guy is an asshole, which even four-year-olds can see.

Yesterday, Lieberman was out attacking Howard Dean and his anti-war stance. He said something to the effect of "If Howard Dean had his way, Saddam would still be in power." Fuck you, Joe. Like I've said before: getting rid of Saddam was a good thing, but it's not why we went in there. It's fortunate for the Hawks that Saddam was removed, otherwise they would have NO FUCKING WAY to sell a war that was waged for purely selfish reasons.

And if you don't think it wasn't entirely selfish, then why the hell aren't we working to stop other oppressive regimes out there? And I mean other than the Taliban - we had to strike back for 9/11 and Unocal had an oil pipeline to build. I'm talking about all the other shit that's going down in the world that we do nothing about.

People like Howard Dean who were and are anti-war don't oppose the war because they like Saddam and what he represents - they're just looking at other issues like, I dunno, is it a good idea to be fucking around with a country who has done nothing to us? Especially in such a volatile region?

So, yes, this is a great achievement. But it does not justify the war when looking at the premises for going to war, which centered around the notion of huge stockpiles of WMD that were going to threaten us and our allies.

Even us who hate Bush want to see the effort in Iraq succeed now that it's underway. Hopefully, Saddam's removal will be a step in driving that forward. We can't get too excited over it, though, because it is just one step. There's a lot more work to be done.

Just how big of a step is Saddam's capture? It's clearly a huge psychological boost for all those in Iraq who spent years living in fear of Saddam. One theory I've heard a lot is that people weren't supporting the American effort because they were afraid Saddam was watching, or others wouldn't give up WMD info because they were afraid Saddam would hunt them down and get revenge, etc. I'd be interested to see if any of that plays out.

I still don't think that we can expect for everyone to just fall in love with us, though, just because they know Saddam isn't coming back. It is possible for people to hate Saddam but still not want us there, so again, we can't get too excited.

We also have a great opportunity to really turn the reconstruction effort around. We have something we can build some goodwill off of. Please, guys, do not fuck this up. This is naturally being referred to as a "turning point," and it most definitely could be. Just so long as we don't fuck things up like we did with 9/11 when we had everyone's sympathy and support which we then proceeded to flush down the toilet.

One thing I don't view this as is a great victory in The War Against Terror (TWAT). Saddam is not Osama - you know, the guy who really did attack us, and who is still at large planning and carrying out more attacks. Naturally, this event will be played up as a huge victory in TWAT. Well, unless if it's shown that Saddam really did have significant ties to terrorist organizations, then this is a victory for the Iraqi people (assuming reconstruction goes well, that is - and we won't know the results for a very long time) and for PNAC, but not in the fight against terror.

Bush's approval ratings will no doubt go up because of this. For once, I can allow those polls to go up a little. The Administration said that they were going to find Saddam, and they followed through on that. Props to them for that, and even more props to the military and intelligence people who carried this out (yes, I hate when people pander to the troops, but they really are the ones who did this).

This, of course, will be overplayed and overhyped, and Bush will get more credit than he deserves. Finding Saddam does not change that he posed no imminent threat to us. It does not solve the conundrum of all those phantom WMD. And it alone does not pave the way for Iraq to become the promised land. I'll let those polls continue to rise if we see some of that real work taken care of and true progress made on the reconstruction front.

In the end, where does this leave the Democrats? Some people are viewing this event as making Democratic defeat next year a foregone conclusion. The fact that the Democrats are weak and unorganized nearly makes it that way, in my eyes at least, but finding Saddam should not alone destroy their hopes for next year. If they do allow this to bring them down, then they are no better than the Cubs in game six of this year's NLCS with the fan and the fly ball. The Cubs had no excuse for letting that one mishap destroy them. There were still several innings to go, and all of fucking game 7. If they couldn't come back from one fan interfering, then they weren't going to be tough enough to defeat the Yankees. The same goes for the Dems: if they can't man up and recover from this, then there's no way they can handle the Bush campaign war machine.

There's no excuse for letting this do irrevocable damage to the Democratic platform, because when you look at it, it in no way damages any of the Democrats' positions. Nothing has changed which contradicts what Democrats have been saying, and the Democrats need to stand firm on this shit and make sure that people see this.

Democrats who were opposed to fighting this war were against it because of the risks to American lives, international stability, and worldwide opinion of our country. As I pointed out above, this point of view does not implicitly mean that someone likes Saddam and isn't glad to see him go. For the anti-war crowd, just because we found Saddam doesn't mean that we weren't still lied to about Iraq posing an immediate threat to us. For both the anti-war and pro-war Democrats, just because we found Saddam doesn't change all the other fucked up shit that Bush is doing domestically.

Just because we found Saddam does not vindicate the entire Bush presidency.

That's pretty much all I wanted to hit - for now, at least. Or, that's all that I can remember for the time being.

Anyone wanna run around the country with me telling little kids that Free Willy is dead?

Despite how I may feel about many of his followers, I think Jesus, if he was a real person, was probably a good guy. Just not the son of God. Oh, and he totally would have been into Kart.

As far as Google searches go, this is a new one:

he-man and the castle of grayskull porn

What is with all this 80s cartoon themed porn? What the fuck kind of childhoods did these people guys have, anyway? Was He-Man a real person, and once his cartoon run ended he decided to get into the adult film industry? Is there some fucked up Inspector Gadget doujinshi (er, I guess that's not really an appropriate term, but you know what I mean) out there? And are those Thundercats porn people really just closeted bestiality fans who just can't come to grips with their fetish?

I mean, there's hentai, and then there's taking Saturday morning and turning it into an orgy. I'm still wondering what these people are expecting to find. Maybe there actually is something to find out there, and if that's the case, I'd rather stay in the dark. If there really are pictures of "penny getting fucked by gadget," I don't wanna goddamn know about it, OK? So just keep it to yourself.

What's next? "GI Joe Destro anally raping Scarlet" or something like that? Well, now that I've mentioned GI Joe and anal rape in the same sentence, probably.

Undoubtedly everyone is expecting me to say something about the big news of the day. Well, relax, I've got some shit to say alright. I've just been busy all day doing stuff like moving the Girls into their new home (a nice display case). So yeah, we'll get to that Saddam thing tomorrow. Maybe.

Until then, I'll leave you with a couple of tidbits that most of you could give less than a shit about.

Quote of the weekend:

"Yeah, you're gonna get approved for a loan!"
- Carl handles 19 year-olds with shitty credit.

Also, I'm blatantly stealing a link from I Have no Life Guy. If you wanna give yourself nightmares tonight, or any other night for that matter, check out the gallery on this page.

Holy shit.

Came across this amusing little bit via Slashdot.

Was this really necessary?

I can understand the need to cover your ass, but c'mon. Regardless of how people may view Microsoft, I sincerely doubt anyone is going to accuse them of being Nazis. And I mean bona-fide goose-stepping, gas chamber NSDAP Nazis.

Also, I fully understand what the swastika represents when it comes to the Nazis. I also understand that there are other uses of the symbol (as pointed out in that article), and chances are that's why the symbol was present in that font.

Do people really need to be patching their systems to remove the character? I mean, really. It's not like someone is going to show up, bust out "charmap" and say "Hey! You have a FONT that you DIDN'T CREATE that has a swastika. You must be a NAZI."

I can understand finding the symbol offensive and all, but does removing it from your computer change anything? It's not like it gets rid of swastikas elsewhere, nor gets rid of the ignorance that is associated with Nazism.

In writing that last post, I realized that there's a really fucked up undercurrent to this whole reconstruction contracts debate.

One thing people keep saying is that countries like Germany and France aren't sacrificing lives for the war, so they shouldn't be allowed to make money off of the war. Let me repeat that: you have to give lives to get money.

That's the price of admission here. If you're willing to give up HUMAN BEINGS, you can get some cash. Look, I know where our priorities are, and how important money is, but still. It's just fucked up to see that equality so blatantly laid out.

A big debate brewing is over France and Germany being shut out of lucrative contracts in Iraq. I understand, and in a lot of ways, agree, with the logic that since they did not contribute to the war effort, they shouldn't be able to share in the spoils of war. They had plenty of good reasons for not wanting to be involved with the war, but the fact of the matter is that they wanted nothing to do with the war until they stood to profit from it.

It's a little hypocritical to get pissed at the Germans and French just because they're looking to turn a profit from this war, though. After all, that's a good deal of the reason as to why we fucking got involved with this.

Still, the question remains, what right do they have to be involved in reconstruction? Well, the answer is that they have no right. But that's not necessarily a reason to shut them out, because bringing them in could have some positive side effects.

As Krugman pointed out, allowing nations like France to compete for contracts would go a long way towards reconciliation with our allies. Of course, the question remains as to whether or not we really want to reconcile with "old Europe." Well, that's what we've said we want to do, so why not actually start making good on that? Yeah, because there's a good chance that we don't want to.

I'm sure lots of people could give less than a shit about our allies and the rest of the world. We have this "We're America, we're better than everyone else, we don't need them, so fuck 'em" mentality. Yeah, maybe we can get by with this hybrid interventionalist/isolationist policy where we stand alone but we're fucking with EVERYBODY, but there's a big fucking world out there. Yeah, we've got the money, and the power, but there are only, what, 300 million of us? And 6 billion other people out there?

We'd do good to quit being the spoiled little playground brat who wants everyone's toys but refuses to share once we've got them. I'm not implying that any powerful nation is going to be declaring war on us anytime soon, but that doesn't mean that people won't be trying to fuck with us, whether it's through terrorism, economics, or whatever.

I mean, what's currently defining our nation, TWAT (the war against terror), is a byproduct of our foreign policy. I'm not saying "we had it coming" with things like September 11th (although I am tempted), but to deny that our actions around the globe had anything to do with what we're up against is just ignorant. And when I talk of global action and foreign policy, this isn't just Bush I'm talking about - I'm talking about all the stuff we've been up to in the past in addition to the present.

On the Bush front, though, his team's foreign policy is a huge gamble. Yeah, maybe the rest of the world will be scared shitless of America and they'll play ball with us. In lots of cases, we might be able to get away with this. Might. Some may rebel immediately, but with others a hatred of America will grow and fester until someday it will explode (quite literally) in our faces. And if you don't think that will happen, well, it already is happening.

The other reason why I'm for patching things up with others is just because it's the right thing to do. How exactly can we expect to get away with saying we're so moral and upright when we're in reality huge cocksuckers?

A lot of what's going on is just stupid American pride. It's not just "you're not giving lives for the war, so you shouldn't make money off it," it's "you disagreed with us, so now we're going to punish you." I think it's time for America to quit talking a good game about being so righteous and actually be the bigger person by acting in a manner befitting that attitude.