Okay, I'm pretty sure that I haven't gotten this desperate. No, I know I haven't gotten that desperate. Yeah, I'm pretty starved for attention and affection, but I'm not fucking stupid. Well, not that fucking stupid, at least. The whole point of something like that is just so you can play make-believe. But if you're actually paying every time you give your digital girlfriend gifts, that's no longer make-believe. The worst part is that you're paying real money but not getting anything real in return for it. In the words of Lennie Briscoe, you're getting all of the grief and none of the gravy.

In a way, it's also kind of like this stupid online gaming shit that I've avoided thus far. Yeah, you want me to pay some kind of monthly fee for a game that I already paid for? Fuck you. Of course, they're still going to sucker me into XBox Live once DOA 2: Prettier hits the scene so that I can play with ETP and BOETP without any of us having to go anywhere. If rumors are true, we may also be mixing in some DDR action, and I'm not talking about double data rate memory here.

Speaking of DOA, ETP and I had some fun playing tag battle mode last night. Probably a little too much fun, and all because we discovered this great maneuver. As soon as one person beats the last guy in a pairing, the next guy does a switch, coming in as the fight ends or right afterwards. That next guy shows up and takes all the credit for the fight he didn't finish, thus making him a total bastard. As such, it is the fucking coolest thing you can do in that game.

Also discovered with tag battle mode is that it's a total dick. Once you and your partner manage to beat the final pairing, that's it. You're done. Not even the limp-dicked "Congratulations" of Rampage, you're just sent back to the title screen.

Those last two paragraphs, of course, were probably not funny to you, since you weren't there.