This is quite possibly the stupidest fucking headline ever. The only thing more irritating is the fact that this is essentially the Republicans' platform.

"Values" is one of those words that gets thrown around by both sides, but the right pushes it way harder. The thing is, whenever someone uses the word "values," the word is completely fucking hollow; it's just being used because people like hearing it. It's like Bill Maher says "People hear 'values.' "Values. He said values. We like values."" They don't really mean it, they just say it because (again to borrow a line from Maher), saying "values" makes the lab rat hit the pedal for his treat.

We all remember how Team Bush ran on the platform of "restoring dignity to the Oval Office" in 2000. Again, why doesn't anyone ever call them on this shit? We've had an administration that has been justly hit with allegations of colluding with the energy industry to set energy and environmental policy, that has lied -- ERRRR -- used bad intelligence used to support a pre-determined decision to start an unnecessary war, and (to keep this short, because I could go on for days... as I already have) just used fascist tactics in general to fuck this country up the ass.

Sounds like a shitload of dignity to me.

But wait -- Bush didn't get his dick sucked in the Oval Office (not that anyone would want to volunteer for that), so he's got values and dignity. I forgot: blow job bad person, starting wars good person. Look, I know that every administration has its share of scandal and dirty dealing, I just get a little more pissed over the shit that unnecessarily gets lots and lots of people killed while completely undermining the values that we claim to stand for.

So, why do these Republican cocksuckers get away with it? First and foremost, they've got support. Well, support or lack of anything working to oppose them. We have a Republican congress propping up a Republican administration, a weak Left, and a docile press. That's pretty much a license for "do whatever the fuck you want."

But in terms of beliefs and actions, what makes the Republicans a party of values? Oh, that's right -- because they're big into Jesus. That's one of their cornerstones -- they're not only religious, but they're Christian. And in this country, that automatically makes you better. I've never understood why belief in god and/or Jesus instantly makes you a better person, but I would have trouble with that since I like logic and stuff. Yeah, you're a good person because Jesus is in your heart. Nevermind that Jesus has been employed to ostracize, oppress, and kill. Why, that sounds positively value-rific!

Another big thing enabling them to pull this off is the fact that Republicans voice their empty values rhetoric with conviction and confidence. It's like that Chris Rock routine. You can't be all like "Ehhhh, excuse me. Ehhhh, I was wondering ehhhh if you could ehhh... Uh, play with my balls?" You're not going to get any action that way, but if you say it with confidence "she will do that shit." That's really what the Republican party is in this country -- the ugly, asshole guy scoring with the hot chick because he's confident. The hot chick in this case being the American people, and also being kinda fucking stupid.

Tied to this discussion of values is the notion of "compassionate conservatism" (is it conservatism or conservativism or both?). This, again, means nothing. Well, not entirely. It is basically an admission that conservatives are assholes and have to make SPECIAL EFFORT to be compassionate. Of course, that doesn't mean that they're actually making that effort, they're just saying that they are and hoping that people will buy it. Which they do because they're dumb. In the end, I'm more compassionate than many conservatives, and that's just sad.

On a side note, one might wonder why I personally am not a conservative since I am a well-known asshole. While I am a fucking prick, I do realize that my assholishness probably doesn't translate to good policy. Upon thinking about it, conservativism is basically Me in action: do everything possible to get as much money and stuff for myself, and screw everyone else except my family and friends. Christ, if that isn't a completely damning analogy of conservativism, I don't know what is.