Okay, so when I see this, my first reaction is, I hate my friends. Granted, they don't need to be taking out any billboards, but what have they done for me lately? I clearly cannot be bothered to get my shit together in order to find myself someone.

My second reaction is, I'm pretty cool with my friends. I mean, they're pragmatists. They know what the fuck's up -- especially the women. They all know that no woman wants a short, ugly guy with no confidence, a bad attitude, and a bad temper. For all I know, I smell bad, too, and no one will tell me about it until I have this conversation with someone in the SSRC:

"Did you fart?"
"No."
"Well then, you stink."

No, it wasn't me that that happened to, because even I would have taken a hint. What I'm getting at here, though, is that my friends are saving everyone a bunch of trouble and embarrassment.

Just so you don't think that I've personalized this and made the article all about me (I'm certainly not one of those assholes who takes unrelated events and somehow makes it all about them), I have some comments on the article. I don't know whether or not to leave the fact that this is a bunch of fucking Mormons out of it or not. On one hand, we like ripping on Mormons, but on the other hand, it's almost not as much fun. Stupid bullshit is as expected of them as fucked up shit is expected of Japan, so it's pretty much par for the course and just not as special when it happens.

"It kind of came out of discussions we had, that Lance is such a good guy but not married," said Morgan Lynch, CEO of LogoWorks, where Archibald is the director of marketing.

So why don't you marry him, cunt? Unless if you're already married, of course, you wedded cunt. But I'll bet this guy has a bunch of those "just want to be friends" friends who would never ride his Mormon meat. Bonus that Morgan, if unmarried, has the extra excuse that they work together -- added excuses are always handy.

But yeah, nothing sucks more than the "just want to be friends" line, does it, fellas? Well, except maybe finding out that a supposed friend who you have a huge crush on considers you "second rate garbage," as seen previously on Fe. Or hey, remember that MASH game that kids (mostly girls) would play? No, not the shitty ass fucking TV show with the most depressing theme song EVER. No, this was the game where each letter stood for something -- M for who you were going to marry, H for the kind of house you were going to live in, etc (what the fuck were A and S, anyway?). You picked like four or five things for each category, and wrote them down on paper so that one entry in each category could be randomly selected by an algorithm that also escapes me. The trick was that in each category, you had to make at lease one "bad choice." So for instance, under "H" you might list "shack" as your potential future dwelling. Anyway, it's also a lot of fun finding out that a bunch of your female friends were waxing nostalgic and decided to play a game of MASH, and that you got to be the "bad choice" under "M."

Yes, I know, this subject has gotten a lot of run on here lately, and I'm not happy about it, either. But it's for various reasons prevalent on my mind as of late. And hey, what's total bullshit mental anguish if you can't share it with four readers (if not fewer, especially after this brand of nonsense) and a bunch of Googling pedos? Hey, just be glad I'm not giving too many details at this juncture.

But since this isn't about me, go ahead and check out the website they set up for him. Go on, do it. It's really sad that "returned missionary" is apparently his #1 selling point. WTF? Do a lot of them not make it back or something? I'm sure they lose one or two every year to screen door allergies, but it's not like we hear a lot of stories about missionaries getting snatched by bears and shit. And I wonder: if my friends were to set up billboards and a website, would they list "loves kids" as one of my selling points? I know, I know -- the moratorium on those kinds of jokes is not going well, but the question is legit.

While we're back on the subject of this guy's friends, wow, what a pack of fucking losers. They have waaaay too goddamn much free time on their hands if they can actually make as concerted an effort as they obviously have. The people I roll with aren't real social animals or anything, but they do have shit to do in their own lives. I also love that all of "Team Lance" works for the same company as him. I'm guessing that their company isn't what one would call a "wild success." Of course, they are getting some publicity out of this, so that may reveal their true reasons for going through all this trouble.

So the moral of all this: much like owls, friends are assholes.