Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Friday, June 27, 2003
Here's the article Krugman was talking about.
PNAC, Wolfowitz, K Street... So much shit going on behind the scenes that it boggles the mind. And, of course, no one ever really learns about it until it's too late.
PNAC, Wolfowitz, K Street... So much shit going on behind the scenes that it boggles the mind. And, of course, no one ever really learns about it until it's too late.
Hmmmm, America becoming a single-party state. Where have I heard suggestions of this grim possibility before?
Holy hell, check this shit out. I went to this site which can tell you who's linking to a particular blog. Well, I thought I'd try it, if for no other reason than to watch their engine spit out no results and then laugh at me, saying "Ha ha, no one is linking to your shitty little blog!" But 'ya know what? Someone actually did link to my shitty little blog, apparently because I like using the word fuck. So let that be a lesson to you next time someone says to watch your language. Oh, and thanks to miss underpants for the link.
Sorry, but this world is better off when old, ignorant, racist fucks like this die.
Oh, and don't give me the bullshit that Thurmond had mellowed and wasn't still a racist. From what I can tell, you grow up racist, you stay racist. I don't see how a man who led a record-setting filibuster against a civil rights bill could ever have such a big change of heart. No, he didn't cease to be a racist, his racism went underground when racism became passé.
Bottom line: you act like a racist, you are a racist. I'm sick and tired of people saying one thing and doing the other. Since this happens so much, you can imagine just how fed up I am. It's just like earlier this year when Rick Santorum likened homosexual behavior to bestiality and incest, but claimed he had nothing against homosexuals. Or, shit, even this week, with Scalia saying he has "no problem with homosexuals" right after complaining about the Court supporting the "homosexual agenda." Chances are, if you're not a homophobe, you don't give a shit about their supposed "agenda." Chances are, if you aren't a homophobe, you don't use bullshit rhetoric like "agenda." Do you realize what a stupid word "agenda" is? It's almost as bad as "lifestyle." I don't see how wanting equal rights amounts to an agenda, because if that's the case, we all have the same fucking agenda. No, these homophobic pricks think that the agenda is something along the lines of "9 AM: fuck eachother in the ass on the senate floor, Noon: destroy the institution of marriage as we know it, 3 PM: fuck some little boys." From what I gather, that's what these conservative lawmakers and "Family" groups think the gay community is up to.
Oh, and don't give me the bullshit that Thurmond had mellowed and wasn't still a racist. From what I can tell, you grow up racist, you stay racist. I don't see how a man who led a record-setting filibuster against a civil rights bill could ever have such a big change of heart. No, he didn't cease to be a racist, his racism went underground when racism became passé.
Bottom line: you act like a racist, you are a racist. I'm sick and tired of people saying one thing and doing the other. Since this happens so much, you can imagine just how fed up I am. It's just like earlier this year when Rick Santorum likened homosexual behavior to bestiality and incest, but claimed he had nothing against homosexuals. Or, shit, even this week, with Scalia saying he has "no problem with homosexuals" right after complaining about the Court supporting the "homosexual agenda." Chances are, if you're not a homophobe, you don't give a shit about their supposed "agenda." Chances are, if you aren't a homophobe, you don't use bullshit rhetoric like "agenda." Do you realize what a stupid word "agenda" is? It's almost as bad as "lifestyle." I don't see how wanting equal rights amounts to an agenda, because if that's the case, we all have the same fucking agenda. No, these homophobic pricks think that the agenda is something along the lines of "9 AM: fuck eachother in the ass on the senate floor, Noon: destroy the institution of marriage as we know it, 3 PM: fuck some little boys." From what I gather, that's what these conservative lawmakers and "Family" groups think the gay community is up to.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
You may have heard of Custer's Revenge before, but I thought I'd post this link anyway since the Washington comment made me chuckle.
Umm, where exactly is the inconsistency in left-wing attacks on the Administration? This article brings to light several things that keep pissing me off.
The crux of the matter is the Bush Administration's handling, or mishandling of intelligence. Saying that enough wasn't done before September 11th and too much was done in dealing with Iraq are in no way inconsistent arguments. No, we don't want Bush to be "just right", we want him to quit fucking up and making shitty decisions. The issue isn't just that the Administration took a "better safe than sorry" policy, it's that they sold the policy based on what right now appears to be half-truths, exagerrations, and outright lies. There wasn't a fudge factor in these calculations, what we have here is the appearance of a blatant manipulation of data. That stuff becomes kinda important when people's lives were at stake. Of course, the question is, where did the lies begin? Did the CIA make this shit up? Did the Defense Department make some "amendments" to the intelligence before Bush saw it? Did Bush see it and go "Well, yeah, here's what we have, but let's tell the American people this instead"?
As a quick side note, when I talk about Bush "making decisions", I'm using Bush as a figurehead for the real decision makers in this administration. I'm still convinced that he's more of a rubber stamp than anything.
I could be wrong, but I don't think the CIA could fuck things up this bad. The CIA has their hands in all sorts of shit, undoubtedly, and they're the best at what they do. The Administration started with the premise that we're going to attack Iraq, and worked backwards from there. How do I know this? I've brough it up before, and I'll keep bringing it up, because virtually no one else does: the Project for the New American Century. This group had their manifesto put together years ago, well before September 11th. Just take a look at their statement of principles. The date of the statement is June of 1997. The names of many of the signatories - Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz - look kinda familiar.
Mr. Hewitt asserts that collecting or presenting bad intelligence "in no way detracts from the correctness of the president's assessment of all the evidence of risk." YES IT DOES!! ! If a conclusion is based on false assumptions or data, then the conclusion is flawed. This is basic scientific reasoning. Yes, maybe the conclusion does have some validity. But when its foundations are shown to be shaky, and no other evidence is brought forward to prop it back up, then your conclusion is severely damaged. Also, why exactly in the fuck is the so-called president being given forged documents, if indeed he actually used that in his "decision making process"? Shouldn't this kind of stuff be double-checked? Look, I understand that uranium purchase documents aren't going to come with a fucking bibliography, but come on. A freshman high school history student knows that you need some sort of corroboration for shit like this.
Why is it that when "national security" is involved, we're just supposed to lay down and die? The implication is if we don't, we'll literally end up laying down and dying. Before and during the war, I go so sick of hearing shit like "Well, you don't get to see all of the intelligence reports that the president sees." Yeah, thanks asshole, I understand that. But just because the Child-in-Chief may be seeing some hard-core evidence of weapons or some other imminent threat doesn't mean that he actually is seeing said evidence. And whether he is or not doesn't undermine my rights to question what he's supposedly "seeing." All this hiding behind the banner of national security does nothing but make me think of Captain Picard saying "Ahhh, internal security... The age old cry of the oppressor."
While we're on it, do you remember that "dossier" that Tony Blair presented to his MPs as "evidence" of Iraq's threat capabilities that turned out to be mostly lifted from a 12 year-old PhD thesis? I'll bet that one actually did have a bibliography.
Finally, Mr. Hewitt says that when liberal journalists talk about attacks on the United States, they're thinking too simple-mindedly. He says they're considering attacks on America to only include tragedies that only occur on home soil like the Pentagon and World Trade Center, and not others like the Cole or overseas embassies. Maybe the liberal journalists are being too simple-minded. But you know what? Simple-minded is how all of this is sold to us. The implication is always that Saddam's weapons can reach the U.S., that the Saddam Fedayeen will be marching down Pennsylvania Avenue, if we don't act. It's sold this way because Americans don't really care if some sailors die, or if some diplomats get blown up, because for the most part, that doesn't impact the average citizen. But we don't want it in our backyard, because that will direcly impact us, so the government rhetoric is always "let us do what we want, or it will end up in your backyard." And you know what? The vast majority of Americans seem to have bought it.
The crux of the matter is the Bush Administration's handling, or mishandling of intelligence. Saying that enough wasn't done before September 11th and too much was done in dealing with Iraq are in no way inconsistent arguments. No, we don't want Bush to be "just right", we want him to quit fucking up and making shitty decisions. The issue isn't just that the Administration took a "better safe than sorry" policy, it's that they sold the policy based on what right now appears to be half-truths, exagerrations, and outright lies. There wasn't a fudge factor in these calculations, what we have here is the appearance of a blatant manipulation of data. That stuff becomes kinda important when people's lives were at stake. Of course, the question is, where did the lies begin? Did the CIA make this shit up? Did the Defense Department make some "amendments" to the intelligence before Bush saw it? Did Bush see it and go "Well, yeah, here's what we have, but let's tell the American people this instead"?
As a quick side note, when I talk about Bush "making decisions", I'm using Bush as a figurehead for the real decision makers in this administration. I'm still convinced that he's more of a rubber stamp than anything.
I could be wrong, but I don't think the CIA could fuck things up this bad. The CIA has their hands in all sorts of shit, undoubtedly, and they're the best at what they do. The Administration started with the premise that we're going to attack Iraq, and worked backwards from there. How do I know this? I've brough it up before, and I'll keep bringing it up, because virtually no one else does: the Project for the New American Century. This group had their manifesto put together years ago, well before September 11th. Just take a look at their statement of principles. The date of the statement is June of 1997. The names of many of the signatories - Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz - look kinda familiar.
Mr. Hewitt asserts that collecting or presenting bad intelligence "in no way detracts from the correctness of the president's assessment of all the evidence of risk." YES IT DOES!! ! If a conclusion is based on false assumptions or data, then the conclusion is flawed. This is basic scientific reasoning. Yes, maybe the conclusion does have some validity. But when its foundations are shown to be shaky, and no other evidence is brought forward to prop it back up, then your conclusion is severely damaged. Also, why exactly in the fuck is the so-called president being given forged documents, if indeed he actually used that in his "decision making process"? Shouldn't this kind of stuff be double-checked? Look, I understand that uranium purchase documents aren't going to come with a fucking bibliography, but come on. A freshman high school history student knows that you need some sort of corroboration for shit like this.
Why is it that when "national security" is involved, we're just supposed to lay down and die? The implication is if we don't, we'll literally end up laying down and dying. Before and during the war, I go so sick of hearing shit like "Well, you don't get to see all of the intelligence reports that the president sees." Yeah, thanks asshole, I understand that. But just because the Child-in-Chief may be seeing some hard-core evidence of weapons or some other imminent threat doesn't mean that he actually is seeing said evidence. And whether he is or not doesn't undermine my rights to question what he's supposedly "seeing." All this hiding behind the banner of national security does nothing but make me think of Captain Picard saying "Ahhh, internal security... The age old cry of the oppressor."
While we're on it, do you remember that "dossier" that Tony Blair presented to his MPs as "evidence" of Iraq's threat capabilities that turned out to be mostly lifted from a 12 year-old PhD thesis? I'll bet that one actually did have a bibliography.
Finally, Mr. Hewitt says that when liberal journalists talk about attacks on the United States, they're thinking too simple-mindedly. He says they're considering attacks on America to only include tragedies that only occur on home soil like the Pentagon and World Trade Center, and not others like the Cole or overseas embassies. Maybe the liberal journalists are being too simple-minded. But you know what? Simple-minded is how all of this is sold to us. The implication is always that Saddam's weapons can reach the U.S., that the Saddam Fedayeen will be marching down Pennsylvania Avenue, if we don't act. It's sold this way because Americans don't really care if some sailors die, or if some diplomats get blown up, because for the most part, that doesn't impact the average citizen. But we don't want it in our backyard, because that will direcly impact us, so the government rhetoric is always "let us do what we want, or it will end up in your backyard." And you know what? The vast majority of Americans seem to have bought it.
You know, it's embarassing that we're just now getting around to things like this, but I'm glad that things like this are actually getting taken care of. In the words of Robbie Williams "... when asked do I care for sodomy? I don't know, yeah, probably."
I guess the only bad thing about this is that it kinda takes the edge off of sodomy. Now, you'll just be fucking someone up the ass. Before, you were fucking someone up the ass, and doing something illegal.
Oh, and while we're on the suject, fuck Scalia. Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick. Then break it off and beat him with the rest of it. And you know what's written on that rubber dick? The words "homosexual agenda." And don't even get me started on all the other conservative pricks weighing in on this. The same goes for them.
Also, don't fuck with me on the irony of assaulting supreme court justices and conservatives with rubber dicks. I understand that they would just use such instances as support for their pseudo-moral/religious arguments. That's why I can joke about shit, but just don't actually do it.
I guess the only bad thing about this is that it kinda takes the edge off of sodomy. Now, you'll just be fucking someone up the ass. Before, you were fucking someone up the ass, and doing something illegal.
Oh, and while we're on the suject, fuck Scalia. Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick. Then break it off and beat him with the rest of it. And you know what's written on that rubber dick? The words "homosexual agenda." And don't even get me started on all the other conservative pricks weighing in on this. The same goes for them.
Also, don't fuck with me on the irony of assaulting supreme court justices and conservatives with rubber dicks. I understand that they would just use such instances as support for their pseudo-moral/religious arguments. That's why I can joke about shit, but just don't actually do it.
Friday, June 20, 2003
When you're serious about web pr0n, there's no sense fucking around. Seriously though, anyone who knows me knows I'm all for web pr0n, but don't be looking at it with your fucking kids in the room.
Thursday, June 19, 2003
So now we're getting the director's cuts of the last few Eva episodes. I wonder when/if they're going to screw us with an American equivalent of the like $300 Revival set that's out in Japan now?
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
About ten weeks ago I had my entire life figured out. Alright, not my entire life, but a good fucking deal of it. I was going to, after two years of being an intern, finally be hired by my company as a real employee. I was going to be a chip designer - what I knew I wanted to be since my sophomore year. I was finally going to be able to move to within striking distance of where I worked. The two hours of driving time every day would be a thing of the past. I'd finally have some stability in my schedule. I'd be able to start working out again. I'd be able to do that without sacrificing the time I wanted to take to learn Japanese. With school months behind me, I'd have weekends free, too, and I'd be able to take on all sorts of new things - just like all the "real" engineers had been telling me how it was for them once they graduated. But then on April 17th, my entire life changed.
I know now, as I've known for a long time, that I didn't work as hard as I should have in college. Oh, I studied, I got good grades, but I didn't get it. I pushed myself, but not in the right directions. I didn't make myself good enough to be what I said I wanted to be. This isn't my normal setting my standards too high, it's the fucking truth.
That being said, I did still fucking work. I've been doing it since 6th grade. Working my ass off to be the smart one. Working hard for the grades, the awards, the diplomas and degrees. I did work. So many days and nights worrying, agonizing. Yeah, a lot of the time the worry and agony just came from all my procrastinating, but I was still working. Harder than most, I would imagine.
I slacked off a lot at work, too, and I know that. I didn't do enough to impress them, and I know that. But even still, I know someone was impressed, because I was there for two goddamn years. But in the end, for what? To basically be given the impression that I was too fucking stupid to do what I'd devoted myself to? To just be tossed out despite the dedication I'd shown? To be tossed out despite the fact that a senior engineer even told me, and I quote, that they had "grand designs" for me?
The end to that whole work experience has soured me. Soured me so much that I don't even know if I want to be an engineer anymore. If I could find the right thing to do, at this point, I wouldn't care if I never set foot inside an engineering firm ever again. Six fucking years and thousands of dollars are perched on the edge of the drain.
So what is the "right thing"? When I think of what I love, all I can do is look around my room right now. I can see all the generations of my life in the toys I have sitting on my shelves. It's fucking pathetic, but nothing has ever given me the joy that those plastic objects have given me. Probably my favorite one of all time was a MASK toy - Volcano. I can still fucking remember the week I got it. At the time, it was $30. Since I'm spoiled, my grandmother was always giving me money, which of course I never saved. Well, one Sunday, my grandparents were in town, and we were at my aunt's house, and my grandma gave me $20. I was almost stoked - I only needed $10 dollars for Volcano. I bugged and bugged for it, but my mother was like, no, you need to earn that $10 in allowance. So I did my chores that week, and Friday, pay day, came along. My mom picks me up from school, and I start in. Did I earn it? Did I earn my $10 so I can go get Volcano? I didn't have to go get it. When we got home, I found out that my mom had already gone out and bought it for me. I know it's sad, but that was one of the happiest days of my life. Obviously, it was about more than Volcano. It wasn't what I got but how I got it that made it so memorable. Either way, that fucking toy was the enabler.
It's always been that way. These days, I'm fucking miserable. But whenever I pass by the collection of anime toys on my cabinet that I affectionately refer to as "The Girls", I can't help but smile. I dunno why. Most days, that's one of the only things that does make me genuinely feel good, if only for a moment. Sad, I know.
So what can I do with all that? I've been seriously thinking of opening my own shop that specializes in vintage and import toys. I've thought about that for awhile, but now that my career is in ruins, it's surfaced again. Unfortunately, I have no idea how I would pull that off. The age old problem of capital rears its ugly head. I have pretty much no savings, no investments, no equity. So that dream will have to wait.
There's another thing that I always thought would make me happier. That "thing" is getting back to the place where I was around this time 8 years ago, the one time in my life when I had a girlfriend. I always talk about how I know that a girlfriend won't solve my problems. Obviously, that wouldn't be a panacea. But there has always been some part of me that thought maybe finding someone would be the catalyst, the thing that finally got me to get my shit in gear and pull everything together. The problem is, and I have always known this, is that "the person just for me" DNE - does not exist. One thing hit me tonight though, and hit me hard - even if she did exist, that wouldn't make me feel any happier. In fact, I can't think of a single fucking thing right now that would make me feel better.
I don't know why the hell this just came to me tonight, and I don't know why the hell reading and watching Love Hina helped bring me to this conclusion. For awhile, it was driving me in the opposite direction. I was reading, and now watching, the two main characters, Keitaro and Naru. Always fighting, Keitaro spineless, Naru repressed. But despite it all, they were together. Not really together together, but spending time together, enjoying each other's company, having fun. And as I followed that saga, I just got more and more into thinking how that's what I really wanted. I really wanted a Naru of my own.
Hell if I know now why tonight I don't think that having someone to spend time with would make me feel any better about things. This dead weight that I'm always pulling with me, this sunken feeling I have, just isn't going to go away, Naru or no Naru.
I know that just being with people in general is about the only other thing that ever makes me feel better. Not just feel better, but feel good. But the regime of friendship is diminishing, and it has been for a long time. Most of my friendships from the past have been destroyed by relationships that they got involved with. Others have been brought to the brink, and could be brought back under the right circumstances. I sincerely doubt that those circumstances will ever arise, but it is a constant specter. Yeah, I've got a few friends left, and they are good friends. Even, still I don't feel all that close to anyone anymore. And I know that that's my fault; I'm real good apparently at pushing others away, or just not making a good enough effort. Actually, I've felt like as of late, I have been making a good effort with some, but it's not always met with results. And then there's one friend who I'm thinking still has anything to do with me just because she thinks she has to. And another - well, that's always a special case, but it all seems OK for now. The thing I realized is that if I just up and moved away, it probably wouldn't change much in terms of day-to-day operations. At present, I'm spending maybe one or two nights a week around others. Again, that's my fault in oh-so-many ways.
Ever since April 17th, every day you see me is the worst day of my life. Is today the worst day of my life? Yes.
So what? What am I gonna do, go and kill myself? No, I won't be doing that. Worthless as I feel I've become, I know that would upset too many people. But that really shouldn't be the only reason to keep on going. And I know it isn't. But no other reasons are really making themselves apparent at the moment. I know that if this wasn't all worth it, if it truly wasn't, I wouldn't still be here.
So what the fuck? Look, I know plenty of kids my age don't have things figured out yet, and lots of them won't for years. But god fucking damn it, I was supposed to be one of the smart ones. I am one of the smart ones. Not the truly gifted, but smart nonetheless. And damn it, god fucking damn it, I did have it figured out. Why the hell did it have to go so wrong?
Maybe this is just penance for thinking I'm so advanced, so far ahead of the curve. Of course, there's the obvious interpretation that I was on the wrong path, and it's fate or whatever that's brought me to this point. I guess we'll see.
This is just frustrating, so fucking frustrating. It was all about to pay off. I was so damn close. I wanted to feel like I'd made it, and I wanted everyone to be proud of me. I know it's stupid and selfish, but I wanted that. I finally wanted to feel like I was an adult, and not this stupid little child who's never going to be anything. I know people are proud of me, I know they don't think I'll turn into nothing, but I can't take pride in or feel much hope from a lack of results.
Teen weeks ago, I had it all figured out. Now, I know nothing.
It's raining out now; how tritefully poetic. But I love the rain, so I'll take it.
So anyway, I wrote most of this last night, and I find myself running into the usual problems with my writing. Namely, I come up with an idea, or maybe eve write something down. But then I look at it later, and it sounds stupid or over-dramatized. Well, it is over-dramatized; that's kinda my bag. I mean, I'm waxing philosophical about a fucking anime romantic comedy for chrissakes.
Drama or not, I know I have shit to do. There's always one or two questions: how the fuck do I engineer a solution, and how do I implement it? Like I said, that's for me to figure out, and I'm sure that I will. But where I'm at now, I can't help but be depressed and discouraged. Oh well. If Shinji taught me one thing, it's that I musn't run away.
I know now, as I've known for a long time, that I didn't work as hard as I should have in college. Oh, I studied, I got good grades, but I didn't get it. I pushed myself, but not in the right directions. I didn't make myself good enough to be what I said I wanted to be. This isn't my normal setting my standards too high, it's the fucking truth.
That being said, I did still fucking work. I've been doing it since 6th grade. Working my ass off to be the smart one. Working hard for the grades, the awards, the diplomas and degrees. I did work. So many days and nights worrying, agonizing. Yeah, a lot of the time the worry and agony just came from all my procrastinating, but I was still working. Harder than most, I would imagine.
I slacked off a lot at work, too, and I know that. I didn't do enough to impress them, and I know that. But even still, I know someone was impressed, because I was there for two goddamn years. But in the end, for what? To basically be given the impression that I was too fucking stupid to do what I'd devoted myself to? To just be tossed out despite the dedication I'd shown? To be tossed out despite the fact that a senior engineer even told me, and I quote, that they had "grand designs" for me?
The end to that whole work experience has soured me. Soured me so much that I don't even know if I want to be an engineer anymore. If I could find the right thing to do, at this point, I wouldn't care if I never set foot inside an engineering firm ever again. Six fucking years and thousands of dollars are perched on the edge of the drain.
So what is the "right thing"? When I think of what I love, all I can do is look around my room right now. I can see all the generations of my life in the toys I have sitting on my shelves. It's fucking pathetic, but nothing has ever given me the joy that those plastic objects have given me. Probably my favorite one of all time was a MASK toy - Volcano. I can still fucking remember the week I got it. At the time, it was $30. Since I'm spoiled, my grandmother was always giving me money, which of course I never saved. Well, one Sunday, my grandparents were in town, and we were at my aunt's house, and my grandma gave me $20. I was almost stoked - I only needed $10 dollars for Volcano. I bugged and bugged for it, but my mother was like, no, you need to earn that $10 in allowance. So I did my chores that week, and Friday, pay day, came along. My mom picks me up from school, and I start in. Did I earn it? Did I earn my $10 so I can go get Volcano? I didn't have to go get it. When we got home, I found out that my mom had already gone out and bought it for me. I know it's sad, but that was one of the happiest days of my life. Obviously, it was about more than Volcano. It wasn't what I got but how I got it that made it so memorable. Either way, that fucking toy was the enabler.
It's always been that way. These days, I'm fucking miserable. But whenever I pass by the collection of anime toys on my cabinet that I affectionately refer to as "The Girls", I can't help but smile. I dunno why. Most days, that's one of the only things that does make me genuinely feel good, if only for a moment. Sad, I know.
So what can I do with all that? I've been seriously thinking of opening my own shop that specializes in vintage and import toys. I've thought about that for awhile, but now that my career is in ruins, it's surfaced again. Unfortunately, I have no idea how I would pull that off. The age old problem of capital rears its ugly head. I have pretty much no savings, no investments, no equity. So that dream will have to wait.
There's another thing that I always thought would make me happier. That "thing" is getting back to the place where I was around this time 8 years ago, the one time in my life when I had a girlfriend. I always talk about how I know that a girlfriend won't solve my problems. Obviously, that wouldn't be a panacea. But there has always been some part of me that thought maybe finding someone would be the catalyst, the thing that finally got me to get my shit in gear and pull everything together. The problem is, and I have always known this, is that "the person just for me" DNE - does not exist. One thing hit me tonight though, and hit me hard - even if she did exist, that wouldn't make me feel any happier. In fact, I can't think of a single fucking thing right now that would make me feel better.
I don't know why the hell this just came to me tonight, and I don't know why the hell reading and watching Love Hina helped bring me to this conclusion. For awhile, it was driving me in the opposite direction. I was reading, and now watching, the two main characters, Keitaro and Naru. Always fighting, Keitaro spineless, Naru repressed. But despite it all, they were together. Not really together together, but spending time together, enjoying each other's company, having fun. And as I followed that saga, I just got more and more into thinking how that's what I really wanted. I really wanted a Naru of my own.
Hell if I know now why tonight I don't think that having someone to spend time with would make me feel any better about things. This dead weight that I'm always pulling with me, this sunken feeling I have, just isn't going to go away, Naru or no Naru.
I know that just being with people in general is about the only other thing that ever makes me feel better. Not just feel better, but feel good. But the regime of friendship is diminishing, and it has been for a long time. Most of my friendships from the past have been destroyed by relationships that they got involved with. Others have been brought to the brink, and could be brought back under the right circumstances. I sincerely doubt that those circumstances will ever arise, but it is a constant specter. Yeah, I've got a few friends left, and they are good friends. Even, still I don't feel all that close to anyone anymore. And I know that that's my fault; I'm real good apparently at pushing others away, or just not making a good enough effort. Actually, I've felt like as of late, I have been making a good effort with some, but it's not always met with results. And then there's one friend who I'm thinking still has anything to do with me just because she thinks she has to. And another - well, that's always a special case, but it all seems OK for now. The thing I realized is that if I just up and moved away, it probably wouldn't change much in terms of day-to-day operations. At present, I'm spending maybe one or two nights a week around others. Again, that's my fault in oh-so-many ways.
Ever since April 17th, every day you see me is the worst day of my life. Is today the worst day of my life? Yes.
So what? What am I gonna do, go and kill myself? No, I won't be doing that. Worthless as I feel I've become, I know that would upset too many people. But that really shouldn't be the only reason to keep on going. And I know it isn't. But no other reasons are really making themselves apparent at the moment. I know that if this wasn't all worth it, if it truly wasn't, I wouldn't still be here.
So what the fuck? Look, I know plenty of kids my age don't have things figured out yet, and lots of them won't for years. But god fucking damn it, I was supposed to be one of the smart ones. I am one of the smart ones. Not the truly gifted, but smart nonetheless. And damn it, god fucking damn it, I did have it figured out. Why the hell did it have to go so wrong?
Maybe this is just penance for thinking I'm so advanced, so far ahead of the curve. Of course, there's the obvious interpretation that I was on the wrong path, and it's fate or whatever that's brought me to this point. I guess we'll see.
This is just frustrating, so fucking frustrating. It was all about to pay off. I was so damn close. I wanted to feel like I'd made it, and I wanted everyone to be proud of me. I know it's stupid and selfish, but I wanted that. I finally wanted to feel like I was an adult, and not this stupid little child who's never going to be anything. I know people are proud of me, I know they don't think I'll turn into nothing, but I can't take pride in or feel much hope from a lack of results.
Teen weeks ago, I had it all figured out. Now, I know nothing.
It's raining out now; how tritefully poetic. But I love the rain, so I'll take it.
So anyway, I wrote most of this last night, and I find myself running into the usual problems with my writing. Namely, I come up with an idea, or maybe eve write something down. But then I look at it later, and it sounds stupid or over-dramatized. Well, it is over-dramatized; that's kinda my bag. I mean, I'm waxing philosophical about a fucking anime romantic comedy for chrissakes.
Drama or not, I know I have shit to do. There's always one or two questions: how the fuck do I engineer a solution, and how do I implement it? Like I said, that's for me to figure out, and I'm sure that I will. But where I'm at now, I can't help but be depressed and discouraged. Oh well. If Shinji taught me one thing, it's that I musn't run away.
Monday, June 16, 2003
Oops. You've also gotta like the asshole liquor manufacturer quoted. Maybe some people don't want a big DANGER label on their sauce, but it beats setting yourself on fucking fire. But fuck it, if you're drunk enough to light your vodka on accident, I'm pretty sure you won't be curing cancer any time soon.
Hmmm, so what else is new? Well, I'm getting myself in trouble online, like usual. What am I after today? Well, a few months back, I discovered this magazine called Megami. It was described as "Newtype for fanboys" as it was packed with nothing but cute girls from anime and games. So I finally got my shit together and ordered a couple of issues. And you know what? It's actually the fucking sweetest magazine ever. One of its big selling points is that it's full of tons of pull-out posters. I open up the first issue I got, and what do I find? BAM! Poster for the Onegai Teacher sequel. What's on the other side of that? BAM! Kiddy Grade. It was all good from there on out. Oh, and unlike Newtype, there's no fucking pretense - I'm just there to look at the pretty pictures, because I pretty much can't read anything in Japanese yet.
Thank fucking christ I have a job, which is pretty much exclusively supporting my anime habit now since I don't have to pay rent. The nice thing is that I can buy shit and actually still save some money. Oh, plus my birthday is coming up, and I'm sure I'll just ask for money from my parents. I've made a few purchases in the past few weeks that were justified by the as-yet nonexistant birthday money. Need the next Gatekeepers DVD? Just use birthday money. Wanna pre-order a Love Hina resin statue that won't even be here for another two months? Spend some of that birthday money. Ahh, bullshitting yourself. It's great.
Thank fucking christ I have a job, which is pretty much exclusively supporting my anime habit now since I don't have to pay rent. The nice thing is that I can buy shit and actually still save some money. Oh, plus my birthday is coming up, and I'm sure I'll just ask for money from my parents. I've made a few purchases in the past few weeks that were justified by the as-yet nonexistant birthday money. Need the next Gatekeepers DVD? Just use birthday money. Wanna pre-order a Love Hina resin statue that won't even be here for another two months? Spend some of that birthday money. Ahh, bullshitting yourself. It's great.
So anyway, I was just thinking about my fucking great t-shirt idea from last week, and I realized it's just begging for a follow-on shirt: "God: Worse than Mussolini". Either that or "God: A Bigger Winner than Mussolini." And yes, I did go out and verify that it was Mussolini who they used to say that about.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
I fucking hate dealing with RPMs. Why the fuck Redhat has never built an RPM system that can automatically resolve dependencies I will never know. It's shit like that which has had me doing most of my installs by building from source.
That being said, this is fucking money. The apt system is Debian's package management scheme, and lots of people love it. I've known about the apt port that can work with RPMs for quite awhile, but today is the first time I've tried it, and it's fucking sweet. It was actually able to install transcode, a fucking pain in the ass video utility suite, which has like a billion dependencies. The only problems it gave me in installing transcode were related to my broken install of transcode from before apt-rpm.
Setting it up was pretty easy, too. Well, once I found the freshrpms link that had the RPM (the source distribution from the apt-rpm homepage was fucked up), at least. Once I installed it, I just ran "apt-get update" to build some package/dependency lists, and it was good to go.
That being said, this is fucking money. The apt system is Debian's package management scheme, and lots of people love it. I've known about the apt port that can work with RPMs for quite awhile, but today is the first time I've tried it, and it's fucking sweet. It was actually able to install transcode, a fucking pain in the ass video utility suite, which has like a billion dependencies. The only problems it gave me in installing transcode were related to my broken install of transcode from before apt-rpm.
Setting it up was pretty easy, too. Well, once I found the freshrpms link that had the RPM (the source distribution from the apt-rpm homepage was fucked up), at least. Once I installed it, I just ran "apt-get update" to build some package/dependency lists, and it was good to go.
What the hell else is pissing me off? I know there was something just a second ago... Oh yeah.
Holy fuck I'm old. No, not getting older, I'm fucking old. On the cover of Vanity Fair this month is a bunch of the hot new teenage stars. I'm looking through this, nearly in tears, with Chekhov's line from Generations echoing though my head: "I was never that young". I mean, some of the kids they had showcased were born in the fucking nineties, for Christ's sake. A bunch of them said that their favorite old TV show was The Wonder Years. That show isn't fucking old! I could swear it was just on not too long ago. And I'm not talking Nick-at-Nite re-runs.
The "feeling like a kid" thing pretty much died the second I read a Playmate Data sheet where the Playmate was younger than me. I know some of you know what I'm talking about.
I don't know how I've fucked up so bad and become a bitter old man at 23, but that's how it's looking. And I've been here for fucking years now. Even in high school I would bitch about "those fucking kids" in restaurants and movie theaters. Either way, my dreams of having a fun, carefree life, with a real, live teenage girlfriend are pretty much over, unless I want to go to jail.
Of course, there are some nice throwbacks to being a kid. Like living at my parents' house like a fucking loser. Great, the best of both worlds.
Nah, who wants to be a kid again, anyway? Growing up fucking sucked too. Life blows.
Holy fuck I'm old. No, not getting older, I'm fucking old. On the cover of Vanity Fair this month is a bunch of the hot new teenage stars. I'm looking through this, nearly in tears, with Chekhov's line from Generations echoing though my head: "I was never that young". I mean, some of the kids they had showcased were born in the fucking nineties, for Christ's sake. A bunch of them said that their favorite old TV show was The Wonder Years. That show isn't fucking old! I could swear it was just on not too long ago. And I'm not talking Nick-at-Nite re-runs.
The "feeling like a kid" thing pretty much died the second I read a Playmate Data sheet where the Playmate was younger than me. I know some of you know what I'm talking about.
I don't know how I've fucked up so bad and become a bitter old man at 23, but that's how it's looking. And I've been here for fucking years now. Even in high school I would bitch about "those fucking kids" in restaurants and movie theaters. Either way, my dreams of having a fun, carefree life, with a real, live teenage girlfriend are pretty much over, unless I want to go to jail.
Of course, there are some nice throwbacks to being a kid. Like living at my parents' house like a fucking loser. Great, the best of both worlds.
Nah, who wants to be a kid again, anyway? Growing up fucking sucked too. Life blows.
Speaking of God, there's this church near my house that always fucking pisses me off. The reason is because they have this sign out front, and they always try and put some clever little slogan or some such garbage on it. For example, right now the sign says "God's promises have no expiration dates!"
Alright, there's two ways to look at this. First is that God has made some promises, and he will always make good on those promises. Implicit in this stance is that God has been making good on said promises. I choose to view things another way.
I see this as yet another bullshit excuse for God's shitty behavior. If there's no expiration dates on his promises, then doesn't that imply that he can make promises, and then just never make good on them? "Oh, I promise to bring peace to the middle east. When will I get to it? Ummmm... Soon. Remember, my promises never expire!" Fuck you, asshole.
This is the same kind of bullshit rhetoric I've heard from these God apologists my entire life. You know, shit like "Oh, well, it's God's will" or "God works in mysterious ways" when something bad happens. Take a fucking stand against this jerk. Don't put up with his shit. But these are the same stupid, spineless assholes like that guy I heard on the radio one day who was saying that McCarthy "did some good things."
Speaking of God, I really hate this bullshit notion that he loves us. I won't even try to reproduce Carlin's rant, but the general gist of it is that God will send us to a mean, nasty place if we fuck up, and he loves us. Now think about this shit. Think about someone you love. Even if they fuck up (you know, they kill a guy with a hammer or something), you still want to protect them. You certainly don't want to send them to hell. Unless, of course, if they do something bad to you, like cheat on you and dump you, then tell you they're pregnant. But I'm talking about if they do something else that you know is bad, and you still don't really want to punish them, since, well you care about them. Doesn't seem like God has been reading out of the same rule book if he's willing to send you to hell for things like coveting someone else's shit.
Alright, so let's make the argument that God views your violation of his rules as a personal affront to him. But that's just what we call transference - you aren't doing anything to God personally, you aren't killing him or fucking his wife. Still, he takes your bad behavior and heaps it all upon himself, just so he can get mad at you. Sounds like the old man has some real issues that a psychotherapist should have a look at.
Alright, there's two ways to look at this. First is that God has made some promises, and he will always make good on those promises. Implicit in this stance is that God has been making good on said promises. I choose to view things another way.
I see this as yet another bullshit excuse for God's shitty behavior. If there's no expiration dates on his promises, then doesn't that imply that he can make promises, and then just never make good on them? "Oh, I promise to bring peace to the middle east. When will I get to it? Ummmm... Soon. Remember, my promises never expire!" Fuck you, asshole.
This is the same kind of bullshit rhetoric I've heard from these God apologists my entire life. You know, shit like "Oh, well, it's God's will" or "God works in mysterious ways" when something bad happens. Take a fucking stand against this jerk. Don't put up with his shit. But these are the same stupid, spineless assholes like that guy I heard on the radio one day who was saying that McCarthy "did some good things."
Speaking of God, I really hate this bullshit notion that he loves us. I won't even try to reproduce Carlin's rant, but the general gist of it is that God will send us to a mean, nasty place if we fuck up, and he loves us. Now think about this shit. Think about someone you love. Even if they fuck up (you know, they kill a guy with a hammer or something), you still want to protect them. You certainly don't want to send them to hell. Unless, of course, if they do something bad to you, like cheat on you and dump you, then tell you they're pregnant. But I'm talking about if they do something else that you know is bad, and you still don't really want to punish them, since, well you care about them. Doesn't seem like God has been reading out of the same rule book if he's willing to send you to hell for things like coveting someone else's shit.
Alright, so let's make the argument that God views your violation of his rules as a personal affront to him. But that's just what we call transference - you aren't doing anything to God personally, you aren't killing him or fucking his wife. Still, he takes your bad behavior and heaps it all upon himself, just so he can get mad at you. Sounds like the old man has some real issues that a psychotherapist should have a look at.
So I was driving to work the other day, and thought of a cool t-shirt. You know how they used to say "at least he made the trains run on time" about Hitler or Mussolini (I can't remember which one)? Nevermind the fact that I'm thinking about dictators during my morning commute. I was thinking it'd be great to see a t-shirt that said "God... At least he made the trains run on time" on the front, and "Wait, no he didn't" on the back.
That'd be fucking sweet, and it would go well with a "God rules with an iron fist" bumper sticker.
That'd be fucking sweet, and it would go well with a "God rules with an iron fist" bumper sticker.
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