So it looks like The Onion is now offering an online subscription service. As we all know, I'm - to put it charitably - inconsistent when it comes to spending money. I'll spend ungodly amounts on worthless pieces of plastic (except for the Girls - anyone calling them worthless is getting punched in the mouth), but I'll refuse to pay small fees for other things. Looking at the list of shit you can get access to for $30 a year, though, I'm seriously considering doing it. Besides, it's The Onion, and I usally don't have qualms giving money to people who deserve it.

This too is not funny, unless if you hate porn and/or enjoy seeing people in porn contracting HIV. I would imagine that Asscroft is pretty happy right about now.

I was desperately trying to find something funny to link to help put out the fires from that last post, but it's just not happening, so fuck it. Let's build on the theme instead.

Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and beating a rap on aggravated child molestation.

Only the smartest searchers find their way here

Altavista search:

WHY men fuck little boys

Well, hey, somebody's gotta do it. Don't give me that look; every kid needs a little molestation. It builds character.


Seriously now, why do (some) men fuck little boys? I dunno, because they're pedophiles? What the fuck kind of a query is this?

More good news. I mean, it's good that we're keeping people over there as opposed to, uh, pulling out prematurely. I just hope nothing else goes wrong. But you know, you can hope all you want in one hand and shit in the other, and see which gets filled up first.

It's always nice when people with street cred go after TB.

This whole Iraqi prisoner abuse thing is just super. We have soldiers accused of "egregious acts" and "grave breaches of international law." Jesus Christ, what the hell are they doing over there? Reviving Battle of the Network Stars?

Even more stellar is the inevitable parade of token measures being taken. Six soldiers have been reprimanded. Now, maybe in the military that's more serious than it sounds, but c'mon.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have changed this, trust us, we are doing this right."

Right. Miller said that U.S. personnel stopped using hoods and sleep depravation on Iraqi detainees four days ago. Yeah, only because they fucking felt they had to. And again, it's all token measures. It's not so much the hoods and sleep deprivation that are so awful, it's the sodomy and hooking up guys' nuts to a car battery that are really frowned upon.

We need to respond to this and not be pussies about it if we want to have any hope of saving some kind of face here, which probably isn't even possible. Remember the good ol' days when we were going to be greeted with a bed of roses and parades and cheering crowds because we were liberators? Man, was it ever great bullshitting ourselves like that. It's still better for people over there with Saddam out of power (at least, it had better fucking be), but it doesn't fucking help when we're perpetrating Saddam-like acts.

Ah, okay. Now I fully understand what that last Google search was about. On my GMail page, there's now a link to "Invite a friend to join GMail!" I know all you out there are just dying for a GMail account. Time to pony up.

Slashdot always has some goofy or "irreverant" quote at the bottom of their page. Because, you know, Slashdot is cool. Here's one that just showed up for me:

What would your closest friend do ?

Yeah, this is probably not the best advice. My closest friend would probably do the exact same fucking thing as I would. ETP and I are pretty much one another's greatest enablers. Our entire friendship is pretty much one continuous string of us saying "Dude, do it" to one another. Of course, it's almost exclusively in the regime of shopping, but we all know that shopping is pretty much what my entire life has been about. Alone, we have no self control, and with the other encouraging us, it just snowballs. Again, not the cum spit back in your mouth after a blowjob kind of snowball. Usually.

I don't know what's more exciting - the fact that I've got the new domain name, or that someone else made a post about it.

GMail: prostitution for dorks

I found this Google search highly amusing:

losers paying for gmail invites

I can get away with this because we hate the French over here

Hey, that's what you get for ordering your salad with French dressing.

It's a fresh wind that blows against the Empire...

Fuck Star Wars. That's my main motivation for the title of this post. There's no fresh wind here; maybe a stale breeze at best.

The main point of this post is to let people know that in addition to the http://bitterlittleman.blogspot.com address, this worthless piece of shit is now accessible via http://bitterlittleman.net or http://www.bitterlittleman.net. Like I said, the original URL still works, since I'm still hosting at blogspot and the new .net address is just a redirector. I've been thinking of moving the 'blog away from being hosted at blogspot.com, and thought this might be a decent way to make the transition a little easier when and if it does happen. Also, I wanted to snag the domain name before anyone else grabbed it seeing as how bitterlittleman.com was already taken.

Speaking of hosting services, I've been looking at LiveRack, which is where I went to purchase the domain name. They seem to have decent pricing, which is looking good both for the 'blog and maybe some other shit I'd like to host. Anyone had any experience with LiveRack? Or any other hosting services that you'd recommend?

But otherwise, yeah, there's nothing new here. Just that I'm the proud owner of a new domain name, which has me out twelve bucks for the privilege. Woo hoo for me. If anybody tries it out and it doesn't work, then it's probably just because the right info hasn't propagated to whatever DNS server you happen to be using, but it should all be good relatively soon (it's working for me at this point, so that's a start).

So, Bush is out running around on a bus tour spewing his shit. I have a question: what is Dubya's bus called? Greyhound One?

Who says romance is dead?

Google search:

paypal schoolgirl

If there are schoolgirls out there who are selling themselves and take PayPal, I'm in some serious fucking trouble.

My dream of having a M.A.S.K. vehicle is one step closer to being a reality. If the site is slow, it's because it's being Slashdotted.

Google search:

I hate koalas

This is quite possibly the best search hit I've ever gotten.

Dude, I totally know the secret to getting a GMail account, but... But... You didn't leave any contact info on your page. Tough luck, kid.

Maureen Dowd's latest.

How the hell am I supposed to get a buzz on with only four kegs in the house?

That's pretty fucked up when four kegs per residence is being reasonable. For the record, I did not contribute at all to the University of Colorado's reputation because I was too busy upholding my reputation as a loser. In case we didn't already all know that.

Domino effect

A potential new phase for the schoolgirl fetish: communist schoolgirls. That little emblem of Lenin (Len-IIN) is fucking SWEET.

No, I am not out looking for a schoolgirl uniform for myself. What would be the point in that? So I can hang it up in my closet and look at it and cry? And I'm certainly not going to be wearing it myself - that completely defeats the fucking purpose. I know we've been over this before.

Just some insight as to the kind of shit that goes on in my head:

I had an item on my eBay watchlist. Initially, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to bid on the item - a "Projections Barclay" Trek figure - since the seller had no feedback thus far. However, after putting it on my watchlist, the seller got some feedback. It was from an auction where they were the buyer; not really useful since I like seeing someone with a track record of sales. Anyway, the item that they won in the auction that got them their first positive feedback? A pair of shorts from a Brownie Scouts uniform. To me, only a child molester would buy such a thing off of eBay. So I removed the Barclay from my watchlist.

Yahoo search:

how to fuck a women explain in details with pics

Oh man, is this guy's girlfriend going to be SO satisfied. Just as soon as she gets up and runs off to some real dick.

One thing that irritates me about a lot of search hits I get is that if the searcher just read the little preview that Google or Yahoo (usually) puts along with the search result, they would know that my site is clearly not what they're looking for. "Explain... women... fuck... details... All the words I'm looking for are interspersed in random lines on this webpage. This must be what I'm looking for!"

Also included in the search results along with Fe is a site encouraging you to "Take a look @ FAT WOMEN FACESITTING!" Holy Christ, I am so turned on right now that I don't think I'll have another erection EVER AGAIN.

I had this link sent in to me by Jennifer, Fe reader and commenter. A big thanks goes out to her, because that article was a fucking riot. A veritable goldmine of lines and quotes; so much so that I almost don't even know where to begin. Other than, say, the beginning.

By ABBY GOODNOUGH

That has got to be the coolest name ever. Okay; on with mocking the X-tians.

Mr. Hovind, a former public school science teacher with his own ministry, Creation Science Evangelism...

Creation... Science. I don't even have to say anything to point out how funny that oxymoron is.

Among the products the park gift shop peddles are T-shirts with a small fish labeled "Darwin" getting gobbled by a bigger fish labeled "Truth."

First off, bonus for the the belittling use of "peddles." This reminds me of a bumper sticker that I see every now and then. As we all know, I hate bumper stickers, especially ones that have someone spouting their religious affiliation or their stupid personal opinions. The one I'm talking about, though, is always a treat. You may have seen it. It's the picture on this t-shirt, in fact. In addition to the picture there's a caption that reads "Survival of the fittest." Every time I see this sticker, I break out into a big ol' smile and yell "Thanks for reiterating one of our main points, fuckers!!!!"

"There are a lot of creationists that are really smart and debate the intellectuals, but the kids are bored after five minutes," said Mr. Hovind, who looks boyish at 51 and talks fast. "You're missing 98 percent of the population if you only go the intellectual route."

It's like the guy is trying to write my jokes for me.

Creationist groups are also promoting creationist vacations...

Holy shit what a good idea. "Hey honey, it's time for us to take a vacation." "Great, where to? Hawaii? Europe? A cruise?" "Oh, heck no. Nothing that dull and uninteresting." "What?! What do you have in mind?" "A creationist vacation! Isn't that swell?"

Ken Ham, the group's chief executive, said marketing surveys suggested that the complex would draw not just home-schooling families...

A core audience of this nonsense is home-schooling families. There's a shocker.

The complex will open in 2006 at the earliest, Mr. Ham said.

I want to go. Dead fucking serious. Who's in?

"This is clearly not possible. The top of the Grand Canyon is 4,000 feet higher than where the river enters the canyon! Rivers do not flow up hill!"

That's riiight...

The spiritual lesson, according to Mr. Johnson: "You need to learn to be coordinated for Jesus Christ so you can get more things done for him."

Yeah, Jesus is fucking PISSED that you aren't pulling your weight around here. He's turning fucking water into wine and healing the sick while you're sitting there on your knees looking like you're waiting for someone to put a dick in your mouth.

Eugenie Scott, executive director of the National Center for Science Education, which tracks creationist programs, said traditional creationists like Mr. Hovind had in fact given up on building intellectual credibility years ago.

Kinda says it all, doesn't it?

Just last week Internal Revenue Service agents used a search warrant to remove financial documents from Mr. Hovind's home and offices, saying he was not paying taxes and had neither a business license nor tax-exempt status for his enterprises.

A story like this just wouldn't be complete without some good ol' fashioned corruption...

Mr. Hovind said he gave 700 lectures a year and that 38,000 people had visited his park, at $7 a head.

... Or some exploitation of religion for profit.

According to a map that invites visitors to pinpoint their hometown, most come from the Florida Panhandle and from Alabama, Mississippi and Tennessee.

Raise your hand if this surprises you. Hmmm... I see no hands.

But they and the Passmores, who traveled from Alabama with eight minivans of like-minded families...

I always thought there were only four horsemen.

Okay, on a more serious note, this article brings to light all sorts of reasons why religion scares me. Now, I'll preface this by saying that I do fully realize that there are a lot of people out there who don't take the Bible seriously literally. Those people have at least that much going for them. However, there are plenty of people who take the Bible at near or total face value, buying into all those goofy ghost and animal stories. It all reminds me of other mythologies, which were all clearly borne out of a need and a desire to explain the unexplainable. We don't know why volcanoes erupt, so there must be some big angry being up in the sky. We don't know why we have lightning so it must be a god up above hurling it down upon humanity. We can't explain why this canyon is here, so we'll just say it was a great Biblical flood. Oh, except that we can explain it; you know, that whole "water runs up hill" thing. It's all so stupid and childish. We don't need a lot of things explained anymore because we have science - real science - to give us some answers.

That brings me to a second point. The mindless acceptance of shit that flies in the face of things that even some of the more rational and logical religious folk believe. Now, look. I'm not saying that science is flawless, because it isn't. I'm not saying that science hasn't been manipulated, because it has. I'm not saying that scientific findings haven't been abused, because they have. But science is at least a process, one that (in theory) involves research and thought as opposed to just listening to something someone told you that came out of a book whose origins we have no real clue about.

Thoreau once said something along the lines of "It's okay to build your castles in the air; now put foundations under them." Religion is all about those castles in the air, but unlike science and rational thought, there is no desire to build those foundations.